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Summary: In which Ran visits Shinichi.
Seventeen months ago:
"I didn't do it."
Saguru puts a hand to his forehead, rubbing at the creases in his forehead. He's tired, having been working this case for over a month now, his eyes heavy in their sockets, begging him to rest. The only thing however, is that Hakuba Saguru does not have time for sleep.
In between attending KID heists, school work and trying to prove the innocence of one of the only people he has ever truly gotten along with, it is difficult to relax, to rest.
Saguru doesn't quite want to sleep if it means waking up to this. The school work is easy - he almost thinks he should skip class for a while until everything returns to normal and Kudo-kun goes back to being a regular high schooler.
"I know you didn't," Saguru says, staring across at Kudo, smiling in what he hopes is a reassuring manner. It has never once crossed his mind that the other teen is actually guilty, he won't believe it - not ever - because it's just not the type of person Kudo is. "And I'll prove it."
From the cell he is being held in, awaiting a trial that Saguru will make sure ends with an innocent verdict, Kudo grins. He doesn't look nervous, probably because he knows that he has done nothing wrong, that there is nothing for them to convict him of.
It's just circumstantial evidence that has been found at each of the murder scenes. Kudo Shinichi is not a murderer, all Saguru needs to do is prove it.
"I know you will," Kudo says, sitting back against the wall. "I believe in your skills as a detective."
Saguru nods, and when he leaves, it is with determination weighing down on his shoulders, feeling almost as if it is the world he needs to carry. He feels like Atlas, holding the world up, the strain against it hurting but something only he can do.
He does not visit Kudo Shinichi again.
"Ran."
Mouri Ran looks up, glances at Shinichi as he sits opposite her, and smiles.
There is a sadness lurking behind his eyes as he smiles back, something that's only developed since she's started visiting him, but Ran tries not to overthink it. Instead, she leans forward, takes his hand, and prepares for another visit.
(She attempts to forget that her visits are numbered but it is a difficult task.)
"Shinichi," she replies, rubbing circles on his palms, "how are you doing?"
"I'm okay," a lie, "this place is bearable, you know?"
There had been a time when Shinichi had not lied to her, but Ran knows that this is not the truth anymore. For someone who'd once valued the truth, he gives her nothing but falsehoods, words designed to offer reassurance where there is none.
Ran fills in the gaps: Shinichi is not doing well, and he is not coping.
"I'm glad." She doesn't call him out on it though, if it makes him feel better to know that she is reassured by his words, then she'd let him tell her a million lies. As long as she knows the truth, how he is really doing. At first, when he'd shut her out, she'd been left with a bitterness in her mouth, betrayal stinging her over and over again like a particularly malevolent wasp.
Then she'd managed to make him cave through phone calls and letters, until he'd finally sent out her first visiting order. She'd been uncertain at first whether he'd done what they'd accused him of, but the moment she had seen him, she had known.
Known that he was innocent.
"Tou-san's still working on your case," Ran says, searching for things to say.
It's always difficult trying to find what they can and cannot talk about. School and life outside, no matter how much Shinichi asks, isn't something she can go into. She cannot bring herself to remind him of all the things he is missing.
"He is…?" Shinichi says, and his smile flickers, almost as if he is battling against a frown. "He won't find anything, you know. Not now."
Ran knows that it's unlikely that after a year they'll find any new leads on Shinichi's case, but she and her father haven't given up - won't give up on it. Even if her dad has tried to talk her out of looking into it further, he's never told her to stop, and he's never put the case files back onto the shelves.
"We will." Ran says, although she can hear her own uncertainty. It's not an easy case, someone has been thorough in making him seem culpable. "It's just taking time, leave it to us, okay?"
Shinichi grimaces. And Ran realises it's going to be one of those visits. One where he tries to push her away again - he's never been good at fooling her, maybe to others he is unreadable, but Ran has spent far too long by his side to be fooled by pretend grins and empty words.
"I want you to drop the case." Shinichi says, and Ran has to pretend it does not hurt as much as it does. It leaves a gaping wound in her chest, as if he has torn her heart out and is squeezing it before her eyes, waiting for her to crumble.
"I won't." Her voice is firm. They've had this conversation countless times and frankly, Ran's tired of it. She wants to have nice conversations, wants to hear about him, the book he's most recently read - she misses when he would gush over Sherlock Holmes to her.
Now instead of being faced with one truth, she is subjected to several lies that she has to sift through herself. This is not how their relationship is meant to work - and it hurts to see that it has deteriorated so much.
"Ran." Shinichi says, "Please. You need to just let it go. There is no evidence that will prove my innocence."
He pauses, chokes on words, before steeling himself. Well, Ran thinks, she's not a Karate champion for nothing, she's capable of taking whatever hits are frown at her. She can deflect them and she's not afraid to throw them back.
"I did it." He practically spits the words out, as if the words burn his tongue as he forms them, poison sizzling against muscle. "I killed those people, so stop trying to prove that I didn't."
Ran leans forward, and cups his cheek, and smiles. It's so like him, she thinks, to tear himself apart simply because he thinks it will benefit her. She just hopes that he can understand, why she won't let him hurt himself like that.
"Shinichi," she stares into his eyes, keeping his gaze until he glances away, "I trust you, and I always will. But if you think you can convince me that you committed a crime like this, I can only say that I will never believe it."
Shinichi pulls at his collar, and for a moment Ran sees purple bruises, many of them fading into a splotchy yellow. It makes her feel slightly sick, makes her want to grab onto his sleeve and drag him home so that he doesn't have to deal with whatever is hurting him anymore.
"You are wasting your time here," Shinichi says, "you should be outside trying to move on."
There's only two problems with that, Ran thinks.
Firstly, she can't leave Shinichi behind, it'd be impossible to cut him out of her life, not after all of these years watching him out of the corner of her eye, not after loving him for this long.
Secondly - she doesn't want to move on. Not unless she really has to.
"I'm not leaving you behind." Ran says.
"Don't be an idiot," Shinichi narrows his eyes, turns away from her. "It's only going to hurt you more if you keep coming to visit."
She does not care much for the pain she might feel. Ran would rather see the two of them through to the end, even if it means turning her heart into dust, emotions aflame as if they've been set alight with gasoline.
Ran does not have time to respond, not before the shouting starts. It's loud, and when Ran turns her head, eyes widening, she realises that the man looks scarily like Shinichi. It does not take long for her to add a name to the face - Kuroba Kaito, phantom thief KID - and it takes significantly less time to realise that he is bleeding, raw emotion replacing blood in the room.
"Kaito…" Shinichi mumbles, from behind her, and when Ran glances at him, she realises that he has gone pale. He is wincing.
He was your friend and he's innocent. He's going to die.
KID says the words that Ran has been too scared to say - Shinichi is going to die. She's known since his trial, has known that there has been a countdown over his head, the number lessening with every passing day, but she has never let herself vocalise it. The moment she does, it becomes real.
"I am going to die." Shinichi says once the shouting has stopped. He leans back against his chair, pulling his hand away from her. Ran flinches, scratches at one of her arms in an attempt to calm herself down. "There is nothing you can do that will change that."
"I'll get mum to appeal against the death penalty, we'll get rid of it." Ran tries. Desperation leaks into her voice, and maybe she is crying but she doesn't necessarily think tears make her weak, they just make her honest with herself. "I won't ever let you die."
Shinichi hesitates. "Your mother is a brilliant lawyer, but she won't be able to change my verdict. Please Ran."
"I can't just give up-"
"Listen Ran," Shinichi leans forward, and it is almost as if he's trying to memorise every part of her - the colour of her eyes, the laugh lines that have worn away at her cheeks. "I can't keep this facade up, I can't keep sitting down in this room and pretending it's not going to happen, so please, let me give you this."
She doesn't quite feel like he's giving her anything.
"I don't want your last memory of me being one that's painful, okay?" He continues, "so let's enjoy this visit, and leave it like this. Let's end it all on a happy note."
But here is the thing, Ran doesn't quite feel like this is a happy note.
"Okay." She says anyway. She wipes away tears, and forces a smile on her face. "Yes, let's just enjoy ourselves today."
When the visiting times draw to an end, the clocks ticking and ticking, a feeling similar to doom festers in Ran's stomach. Shinichi glances up at her and his smile is bittersweet, an expression that reminds her just how much she both hates and loves him.
"I love you," she says, and means it, even if it is quiet and he doesn't hear it. She doesn't repeat herself, not even when he questions it. Instead, she tells him that she's never going to stop missing him, no matter how much time passes.
"Thank you," Shinichi says, after a moment, "for giving up on me."
Ran wants to laugh. She wants to tell him that she is not giving up. Not on him, never on him. Even if she cannot see him, even if he thinks she has, she will never stop trying to prove that he truly is good.
Instead, she nods.
She will let him think what he wants. If it makes things easier on him, then for now she will be the one who has finally given into his request, who has finally decided it is time to take a step and face reality. Ran does not tell him that this is not the way it is supposed to end.
"We'll meet again," Ran says, as she stands up. She grants him one last smile, "someday."
Their fingers touch for a second, and then, there is only empty space between them.
It is not until she is outside that Ran dissolves into tears.
She falls to her knees on the grass and sobs until tears are staining her cheeks and the back of her hands. In the back of her mind she knows that she needs to catch the next shuttle bus down to the train station, but it doesn't quite register in her mind - it is not urgent.
"Ran-san?"
The voice is male, and she recognises it, how couldn't she? Turning up to look at him, Ran wipes away her tears and takes the hand that is offered to her.
"Saguru-kun."
Saguru smiles at her. It's not mocking, or pitiful, nor is it very happy. It's the smile of a man who has realised that being weighed down by problems leads to nothing but aching bones and crushed spirits.
"I'm on my way to the train station," he says, and he points to a car, driver sat in the front. "If you're headed in the same direction, you're welcome to join me. You don't have to wait for the bus."
Ran opens her mouth, readies herself to refuse. "I coul-"
"Actually," Saguru interrupts before she can turn him down, "I was hoping that we could go over Kudo-kun's case. I feel like maybe we've overlooked something."