It's a slow crawl into April, but Raccoon city finally starts to warm up and stay warm. Jill is relieved to spend her days doing paperwork – blissfully mindless paperwork, that is. Of course she's the only one who thinks so, but it's better than crime scenes and tragedy. There are very few calls that require STARS' presence, but they're expected to stay in the office during regular hours anyway.
Which is exactly how she ended up waltzing in on the conversation she did. Coming back from the xerox room, she hears her team laughing down the hall and upon entering, it's like an explosion of noise.
"Jesus, help me." She shakes her head, taking a seat.
"I'm afraid he's busy, can I take a message?" Chris says, adjusting the phone in his hand. He's been on hold with the FBI for the past forty minutes and she gives him a sympathetic gaze as the guys finally calm down.
"Thanks, but no thanks." They share a smirk as he finally gets through. She instead turns her attention to the guys.
"I'm serious, 100%." Edward claims.
"There's no way!" Joseph cackles.
"Yeah there is." Edward claims again.
"I'm not buying it!" Richard snorts.
Chris is finished with the call before anyone says anything that Jill can grasp onto for context.
"I'm telling you! My kill count is 15!" Edward says.
"No fucking way." Jill says in disbelief.
"It is too."
"Okay, sure, where did this happen?" She asks.
"Everywhere I've ever been, baby." He winks dramatically and earns another round of loud laughter.
"Okay first, do not call me baby. Second you can't just kill people?" She's so confused.
"No, he's had sex with 15 people." Chris informs her.
"Oh, even more unlikely." She retorts, laughing at herself for the mistake.
"Confirmed by a woman, you have no game." Brad snorts.
"It's true I swear!" The guys go on like this for some time, about a full hour and a half.
It takes Wesker emerging from his office with a rough and terse, "If I knew I was running a goddamn zoo I would have taken you idiots for drills."
Everyone scampers back to their desks after that, watching Wesker stalk back into his office. Enrico is the only one to move, standing to follow the Captain to inquire about something or another. Jill is grateful for the whole fifteen minutes of peace she gets before Chris taps her desk.
"Yes?" She asks, expecting a question concerning work.
"Why did you assume Edward has murdered people?" He asks, having a hard time keeping his chuckling to himself.
She shakes her head, "I mean, come on, we're all ex-military, right?"
"So?" He asks.
"It's not crazy to assume shit happens during deployment." She says while looking back towards her documents.
"We're not at war though." Brad astutely points out.
"Oh, you don't really believe that, do you?" Jill asks with a coo in her tone.
"We aren't… are we?" Brad asks beginning to doubt himself mid-sentence.
"We're the United Stated. We're always at war." Jill smirks.
"Okay but with who?" Barry asks, "I haven't heard of anything going on."
"You're serious?" Jill is suddenly incredulous at the realization. "Please don't tell me I'm the only one in this room who's been deployed."
"Ooo, tough one, sorry." Chris chuckles as everyone else darts glances around the room.
"Oh my god."
"Where the ever-living hell did you get deployed to?" Edward asks.
"Somalia." She says, fighting back against the tide of memories.
"Holy shit." Brad says while Forest gives a low whistle.
"Wait, so you've seen war, like actual war." Kenneth says.
"That's how deployment works." She says, growing frustrated.
"Have you killed anyone Jill?" Richard doesn't have malice in his tone. It's clear he's just curious, but the question has Jill fuming.
"I plead the fifth." She says through grit teeth.
"Oh shit!" Kenneth laughs.
"Jill's got a body count? Holy hell." Forest gawks at her.
"Now we have to know that story." Joseph says.
Jill just about beats the hell out of him, but manages to restrain herself from throwing a punch once she's approached him. "I'm not fucking talking about it, forget it before I make you forget!"
So thrown by her own sudden outburst, she practically runs out to the hall in an attempt to calm down. Shaking hands and so hot, she almost feels like she's caught a fever. She walks down the hall trying her best to breathe. What a goddamn mess.
"Jill! Jill!" It's Barry of all people chasing her down. She's too angry to speak, instead she turns to face him her face reading of distress. "Hey, it's okay. He was being a dick, didn't mean anything by it."
She nods, the rational part of her brain understands that, but she's not exactly using that part of her brain currently. Biting down the inside of her lips, she stares Barry down, watching him relent under her gaze.
"I'm sorry, Jill."
Taking in a shuddering breath as her acknowledgement she closes her eyes. What she wouldn't give to have control over herself again. It's rare that her deployment affects her at all, but right now is one of those times; the anger inside of her is a mixture of fire and fury. She can't decide who deserves it more – Joseph, the rebel army, or herself.
"Let's get you some water, okay?" Barry's hand is practically ice against her shoulder and the difference between them is not lost on him.
Managing to finally speak she gives a low, "Okay." Before allowing him to lead her towards the water cooler.
Barry notices the shaking of her hands and starts to speak, voice soft as can be. "He's a moron okay? He didn't realize what he was saying. He shouldn't have said it and I'm about to apologize for him, but you're alright."
She nods again waiting for him to hand her the water he's already pouring, heel of her hand to her forehead. "I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault, he took it too far."
"I shouldn't have lashed out like that." She says, though her hands still shake and her body is hot.
"No, you're allowed to snap like that, when people treat you poorly." Barry gets her to take a seat in the break room and he starts rubbing her shoulders, clearly at a loss for what else to do. "But it's okay, we all stand behind you."
"God." She groans, frustration now pointed towards herself.
About a minute of silence washes over them before Enrico walks into the break room, concern plain on his face; Jill hides her face in her hands the moment she notices.
She hears him whisper with Barry for a second, something hushed and hurried that she isn't able to catch, but soon it's just her and Enrico.
"I'm sorry." She says quickly.
"Don't be." He responds just as fast, "It's okay, not your fault in the slightest… we're going to go ahead and let you leave for the day."
"Come again?" She asks, uncertain she understands.
"Go home, get some rest, we're having a slow day anyway."
"I'm okay, Enrico, I just need to get myself together."
"I know… just take the rest of today off, we don't expect you to 'get yourself together' okay? We want you to take care of yourself first."
"Leaving will make me feel worse." She claims, chest tight with embarrassment.
Enrico shakes his head, taking a seat beside her, "I get it… more than you know, but please just take the rest of the day for yourself."
Finally relenting she nods once, "I'm so sorry."
"Don't apologize." He says glancing towards the door where Barry stands with her things.
"You'll be okay to get yourself to your car?" Barry asks.
"Yeah." She says as resolutely as possible, standing to take her things out of his hands. "Thanks…"
"Anytime." He says, "Don't hesitate to call if you need anything."
Jill reluctantly pushes passed him with as reassuring a smile she can manage before walking down the hall. Just as she running through a list of chores, deciding to use this time to go grocery shopping, she has to stop to take a deep breath. God, did she ever overreact.
"Jill?"
"Holy… Chris, you scared the shit out of me." She nearly smacks his chest but settles for gripping the handle of her purse.
"Sorry." He winces as if he, too, was affected by startling her.
"What are you doing?" She asks nervously, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.
"I-… I had to make sure you were okay." He says. The words sound lame coming out of his mouth, but sincere all the same.
"I'm fine Chris… thanks."
"You going home?"
"I guess so." She manages a bitter chuckle.
They're silent, looking anywhere but one another's eyes, like if they stand in the other's presence for long enough they can make everything right.
Chris speaks up first, "Let me take you hiking."
"Hiking?" She asks incredulously.
"I mean… I get off at 5… but you know that… and I just… It's nice out and-"
"What time?" She asks, feeling the bubbling need inside of her to have company. Remembering deployment is one thing, it's another entirely to do it alone.
"Six thirty?"
"Alright… see you then."
"Yeah." He says breathlessly.
Jill turns and walks away after that, taking her sweet time at the store and then cleaning her apartment. Mindless tasks keep her placated, keep her distracted from thinking about the embarrassment she's endured and the memories that sparked that outburst. No wonder her last job in the military was 'a little bit of a break' – they were trying to see if they needed to discharge her for being fucking nuts.
She drives out to the trail a whopping twenty minutes early and uses the time to stretch; part of her wants to run into the woods, see if she can't find that cannibal murderer and beat the shit out of him. Another fight to quell the warrior's mind, how appealing, yet Jill fights off the urge in favor of waiting for Chris.
Oh yes, she is still ignoring the growing presence of feelings she has for him, feelings that Jill Valentine doesn't have time for. Anyway, how could anyone love a girl who can't handle her own trauma? Her mother used to tell her no one would love her and now Jill can see why.
Just as she's about to call the whole thing off, drive home to have a nervous break down in peace, Chris appears, looking at her with dark eyes.
"Hey." His voice is sad and lilted.
"You ready to go?" She asks, deliberately burying the quivering of her heart as they lock eyes.
"Uh, sure." It takes all of her restrain not to take off at a full sprint, but soon they're running up the mountain at a steady pace. Her heart beat loud in her ears for several reasons, which she notes before pushing herself even harder. By the time they reach the top of the mountain she almost feels better, the nearly setting sun kisses the horizon of the city in such a way that Jill might even call this moment romantic.
Nobody else is on the mountain, why would they? It's a Thursday night for god's sake, but the loneliness between them is palpable and it's a taste Jill could get used too.
"Are you sure you haven't worked out in a while?" Chris asks, hands on his knees and breath bated.
"Guess I'm not as out of practice as I thought." She retorts, pressing on the stitch in her side as if to massage the pain out. She glances around before nodding towards a nearby bench and the two take a heavy seat, the only sound between them gulps of air and the rustling of the soft breeze.
It takes a while for Jill to speak, she doesn't want to disturb the silence, doesn't want to ruin the comforting quiet and beautiful sky above them with tragedy. She wonders if confessing her past will make this any less romantic, because all she wants right now is to kiss him, and she can't have thoughts like that. Not for her damn coworker…
"So uh… according the to military I have eight confirmed kills." She says it so bluntly, but as always, her brain responds, no you don't.
"You don't have to tell me anything, Jill." He tells her, voice soft and earnest as his gaze nearly reaches into her soul; as if his eyes will break through to her as consolation.
"Let me have this, Redfield." She says, firmly adjusting herself so that her body totally faces his. "I just… it doesn't feel real… like… I don't know. I recognize it happened. I play the scenes over and over in my head but no matter how hard I try, I can't acknowledge that I did that."
Chris looks at her, head perched on his hand, ready to listen as attentively as possible. She isn't sure if she appreciates that, but she continues in spite of her hesitation.
"I wasn't supposed to see any action, I was just there for training… but we got this extraction mission for some Americans stuck in the country, right? So, we go to this city… chaos isn't enough of a word to describe it…"
She takes in a deep breath, trying to scrounge around in her mind for the right way to explain this. But there is no right way to explain murder, is there? You didn't murder anyone.
"A lot of it's a blur, but as we're loading up the civilians, I watched a bullet go through my commander's hand. Like straight through his hand. I remember turning around and seeing these people head to toe in black – masks, gloves, boots, the whole nine yards. I just… started firing on them."
She lets out a bitter laugh, "Even as I say that I feel like my brain is playing pranks on me; like it didn't happen but I know it did. It did happen… every time I say eight confirmed kills I'm not convinced, it's the most vivid memory I have but I'm still not convinced it happened. Maybe I felt like it was still a training, or because I couldn't see any of their features, I've just decided in my head that they weren't people… but they were people."
When he reached over to take her hand she doesn't know, but the contact leaves her skin hyper aware of his touch. Her nerves are on edge but not because of the war – it's because of him.
"You're a real hero, Jill."
She shakes her head, the sky is darkening and she hopes the twilight hides her blushing. "No I'm not… I don't know what I am, but I'm not a hero."
"You saved people."
"I killed eight people." No, you didn't.
He sighs, "I wish you could understand how brave you are. Fuck, Jill, I couldn't have done that. I was no where near getting deployed in my Air Force days."
"Chris-"
"You're extraordinary… and I'm no therapist, but maybe you should think about the people you helped instead of the ones you didn't."
She shakes her head, "It's better if I just forget about it."
"You sure about that?"
"No." Her voice is smaller than she wants it to be.
"You can't escape your past, but you can forgive yourself." He tells her.
"You sure you're not my therapist?" She tries to laugh.
"Oh, I could listen to you all day." He chuckles, clearly not understanding the implication of his words.
Swallowing the rising tension in her throat, she smiles at him. "You're a good listener, must come from that big brother shit you've been doing."
"I try." He snorts.
She looks back towards Raccoon City, thoughts running a mile a minute, but all of them lead back to Chris. How dare he be so charming? So understanding? So willing to see her as a human being, flaws and all? How dare he make her fall for him?
"You think that Raccoon City will be your home forever?"
"Forever is a long time." He smirks, "I'm taking life one day at a time."
She nods, tiredness settling in her bones as she turns to him, "We should head back before I can't walk back to my car."
"I could always carry you." He says with a laugh.
"In your dreams." She snorts swinging her legs back to the ground. Despite how caked with dust and dry her skin feels, she has a soft smile on her face.
"Hey, dreams can come true if you believe hard enough." He laughs.
"Keep dreaming buddy." She winks starting back down the mountain.
She very nearly invites him back to her place for drinks, but keeps herself from doing so. Taking a shower is her first priority anyway. Besides she isn't sure how much of Chris Redfield's stupid smile her heart can handle today.
They reach her car and she lets out a heavy sigh, "Thanks Chris."
"Anytime, Valentine." He smirks, in a sudden burst of boldness, she reaches forward and hugs his middle. Instant regret leaves her tense before he returns the gesture, picking her up ever so slightly from the ground.
She lets out a little laugh when she's back on the ground, "I'll see you tomorrow."
"Yeah…" He seems breathless and Jill's got a sinking suspicion it isn't from her weight.
Driving away from the Arklay mountains that night she finds herself thinking about to Somalia; the feeling is daunting and heavy on her shoulders. She still isn't convinced she's killed anyone, she isn't sure she'll ever be convinced of it, no matter how much paper work and truth is behind it. Instead the faces of the civilians she met that day pop into her head and her heart is heavy thinking of them, nonetheless her smile is genuine.