Author's Note:

Get ready for an angsty ride. This is novel-length story entirely from Felicity's pov, dealing with infertility, trauma, loss, and severe anxiety. Grab a box of tissues (and a glass of wine if that's your thing) and hold on tight. I hope you enjoy the ride.

For first time readers, additional information about warnings can be found More photographs and art for this chapter on Tumblr at Emmilynestill.

To Sacrifice the Sun

Chapter One

September 14, 2016
11:23
The Cave: ARGUS Base
Undisclosed location, USA

Felicity walked at her usual brisk pace, her heels clicking down the hallways of the only place on earth where she felt comfortable, ARGUS' top secret Research and Development, Technology and Science Department. They tried to name it RDTSD, but that was just lame, and really award to say, so mostly the agents just called it The Cave.

It was both an affectionate and a derogatory nickname depending on the person using it. The Cave was located under a half of mile of rock, literally underground, though anyone who had ever been inside would attest to it being nothing but the height of futuristic Teched-Out décor.

But those who loved it there, those who called it home, called it the Cave because that's where they hid, making their magic, rarely seeing the glow of actual sunlight. And that was the way they liked it.

This hole in the ground was exactly what Felicity had needed during the worst period of her life. She loved the Cave and in the five years since she had requested a transfer here, she could count the number of times she had left the facility on both hands.

Felicity did have a small apartment that she shared with Caitlin. She was rarely there, though, being the workaholic that she was. Actually, it was probably fair to say that she had absolutely zero life outside of work. She even had a cot in the lab that she slept in more often than not. She didn't even feel guilty about it, since Caitlin was usually in the cot next to hers.

Why would either woman want to leave? They were surrounded by brilliant people, all of whom had devoted their lives to making the world a better place. The work was exhilarating. Important. Safe.

And, most importantly, it was enough to keep Felicity's mind constantly busy. Day and night. A bored mind wandered and that was never good.

"Felicity!"

Her eyes lifted from the tablet that she was perusing as she walked down the hallway. Yes, it was a little like distracted driving, but most of the inhabitants of the Cave knew by now to watch out for her. Felicity hadn't had a collision in months.

Barry Allen, her forensic expert, was walking toward her at a dizzying speed. He stopped right in front of her and started walking backwards, matching her pace easily and smiling his usual excited smile.

"I got the forensics back on the Zolomon case. I found this really interesting…"

Felicity listened to Barry rattle off his findings from the latest case he was working on. It required concentration as Barry was the only person she had ever met who could talk faster than she could. It was only one of the projects her team was working on and, unfortunately, at the moment, not the most important one. At least not according to Amanda Waller.

"Great," Felicity was finally able to insert, jumping in to take advantage of Barry's fundamental need to breathe. "I need to talk to Curtis about those Communicators Waller has been on my ass about, but I can stop by your lab to go over everything…" She waved her hand expansively, and a little distractedly. "This afternoon?"

"Awesome. We'll do lunch," Barry was already out-pacing her, increasing the distance between them. "Because even though I know it will be way past lunchtime, we both know that you won't have eaten yet."

"Barry..." Felicity admonished, chuckling. He was right, of course, but it was still annoying. Sometimes, her team seemed think she needed a nursemaid. They forgot she was perfectly capable of taking care of herself. Most days.

He was almost gone now, jogging backward in his tennis shoes, his long lab coat flapping behind him. Why did Felicity wear heels to work, again? "Chicken Cobb?" Barry called out before he disappeared into his hallway, not bothering to wait for an answer. "I'll have it waiting for you."

Felicity shook her head. Wind up in Medical one time for forgetting to eat…ah well, the team meant well. Actually, they were the best thing about this life. And she did love the cafeteria's Chicken Cobb Salad.

She had come here to hide five years ago, broken in more ways than one, with a plan to bury herself in Tech, away from people, in the company of nothing but computers, but, somehow, Felicity had worked her way up to head of the best (if she did say so herself) science team in ARGUS. A group of equally brilliant, passionate, and quirky individuals.

While management wasn't something Felicity would have ever thought she excelled at, it turned out brilliant scientist types only listened to one of their own, and, even then, only rarely. If one wasn't their intellectual equal…well, they'd eat you alive. There had been an entertaining number of failures before the team 'nominated' Felicity as their leader.

Turning toward the massive Tech lab she shared with her two engineering gurus, Cisco Ramon and Curtis Holt, Felicity made her way to Curtis' section. The two men worked well together and were great friends, but their rivalry for 'Best Inventor' in ARGUS was intense. And resulted in some truly amazing Technology. Felicity loved it.

Of course, Curtis' latest stroke of genius had a tendency to blow up at inopportune times, so they were going to have to put their heads together on this one. Maybe even bring in Cisco, which Curtis was not going to be happy about.

Felicity spotted the tall genius straight away, energy practically radiating off of him. He was talking to someone who was sitting just out of Felicity's field of vision, but she could tell that whoever Curtis was talking to had him on fire. Which, most likely, meant he was talking about a new piece of tech.

Curtis' hands were moving enthusiastically as he talked a mile-a-minute, a huge smile swallowing up his face. No one talked or moved slow in their little corner of the Cave. As she stepped further into the lab, he noticed her presence and turned the full power of his hundred-watt grin on her. "Felicity, you have a visitor."

But then, the visitor came into view as well and the bottom dropped out of Felicity's stomach…hell, out of her whole fracking world.

Felicity looked at John Diggle and the confident, calm ARGUS Scientist disappeared, leaving a green agent stuck in a hell she wasn't equipped to deal with.

It all came back at her in a rush.

In a series of excruciating flashes.

John welcoming Felicity onto their field team. The team in danger. Oliver. Tikal. Reiter. The Obsidian Skull. John being shot. Slade being hit with red lightning. Ronnie. The bullet hitting her…

Taking a deep breath, Felicity struggled to remember the breathing exercises she had learned back when the flashbacks were a regular occurrence. She schooled her features to be carefully blank as she forced herself to repeat mundane code in her mind until the images finally faded.

The therapist she had been asked to see after Guatemala had taught her some helpful techniques. Felicity had liked her. Until the good doctor had suggested it might be time for her to re-enter the world of the living and Felicity had dropped her like a hot potato. The Cave was the only 'living' she was interested in.

"John. How nice to see you," Felicity lied as soon as she could trust her voice, praying her little internal freak-out hadn't been long enough for either man to pick up on it.

Felicity straightened her glasses and pulled on her blazer. Now she remembered why she wore heels. The heels, the glasses, the pencil skirts and the perfectly smooth ponytail. The fitted jacket. This was her camouflage. What set her clearly apart from Field Agent Smoak. This was her nerd armor. And, in that moment, it gave her the strength to hold out a hand to John.

But Digg ignored it, instead pulling her into his arms like a long-lost sister. "Felicity," he breathed, "it has been far too long."

Felicity couldn't agree. In fact, right then, she was wishing that she didn't have to face him at all. But, even so, her body instinctively melted into John's warm embrace and tears burned her eyes. This man had been the older brother she'd never had. The truest father figure in her life.

Once upon a time.

But that was over now. Felicity cleared her throat and managed to pull away before she became a weeping, pathetic mess. Or before they realized that inside she was always one step away from that weeping, pathetic mess.

"John, what brings you down to our Geek Sanctuary?" Felicity asked, amazed that she was able to keep her voice even. "Do you need something from my team?"

Digg's small smile and intense look made her wary. "Actually…?" John gestured toward Felicity's office at the far side of the lab.

"Of course," Felicity answered graciously. She had gotten exceptionally good at hiding behind professionalism. Mostly. Well, sometimes. Not with her closest friends. But John wasn't one of her closest friends, was he? Not anymore.

Turning away to lead John into her office gave Felicity a chance to take a deep breath in through her nose and out her mouth, counting backwards from ten. In four different languages. Including binary. By the time she got to her desk, she almost felt like she was in control. Almost.

"So is your visit to our lair for business or pleasure, John?" Felicity even managed a smile, though she was secretly praying it wasn't for pleasure. The only thing she did for pleasure now-a-days was a monthly Doctor Who drinking game with her teammates and she'd like to keep it that way.

"If I would have known I was welcome for pleasure, I'd have come a long time ago," John replied, the same unnerving intensity in his gaze.

Felicity blushed. The way she had treated her former teammates after Tikal had been atrocious and would always be one of her deepest regrets. She couldn't quite look John in the eye as she told him softly, "You're always welcome here." Maybe she even meant it. She was already regretting her unkind thoughts of wishing he hadn't come.

She forced herself to look at him, because even though she was one, Felicity hated being a coward and her former mentor deserved at least that much. Digg leaned his hip against one of her armchairs, crossing his arms and taking her in almost sadly. Felicity somehow doubted she was fooling him in any way. How pathetic she must seem.

"It's been a long time," John finally said. "I've missed you."

Felicity was again fighting tears as she moved to half-sit against her desk, reminding herself to breathe. "Yeah. Yeah, me too." And it wasn't even a lie. She may have wished she would never have to face any of them ever again, but that didn't mean she didn't miss them. Every time she allowed herself to think, to remember…the missing was excruciating. Which was why she didn't allow herself to think. "Five years."

Five years. Three months. Ten days. Her brain wouldn't stop counting from that day. Every day, counting.

Digg's eyebrows shot up. "I thought it was three. Or wasn't that you hiding in the corner at my wedding?"

Ah yes. Felicity was forgetting. She kept count from the day her life fell apart, but three years ago she had dragged herself…or, more accurately, Caitlin had dragged her out, one last time, for Digg and Lyla.

Their old CO and his lady love had finally done what Oliver had wanted them to do all those years ago. They told Amanda Waller to go to hell, to separate them at her own risk. Their bravery had been rewarded. The wedding had been beautiful.

And Felicity and Caitlin had both been miserable. It was also the only time Felicity had ever mixed benzos and wine.

Not on purpose. Of course, not on purpose. One thing Felicity'd never been was suicidal.

But she'd taken a Xanax for a panic attack triggered by Slade's best man's speech. Because Oliver should have given that speech. Only Oliver wasn't there and that was her fault. Then Felicity started to think about how if things had been different it could have been Digg giving the speech at Felicity and Oliver's wedding. And if that wasn't devastating enough she thought, no, it should be Ronnie. Which led to thinking about Ronnie and Caitlin's wedding…

So, Felicity had escaped to the bathroom and gulped down a Xanax, completely forgetting until it was too late the wine and champagne she'd drank to get through the cocktail hour. She didn't remember much after that.

But she knew two things: Never again. And that was why Felicity didn't leave the Cave.

Clearing her throat, Felicity forced herself to ask, "How is Lyla?"

But then Felicity had to turn away, because Lyla and John reminded her of her and Oliver, of what they could have been if life had gone differently, if Felicity had been different, had chosen another path. She came around to the other side of her desk and sat down, hoping the heavy wood of the cluttered furniture would be an effective barrier between her old friend and her frayed nerves.

"Well," Digg replied simply, sitting down in the armchair across from her, giving absolutely nothing significant away about his feelings or his wife, but then, no one had a poker face like John Diggle.

"But you didn't come to talk about that," Felicity prompted because Digg was playing poker, but her game was blackjack, and his mere presence was draining so they needed to get on with it already.

"No."

Then the damn man just sat back and stared at her. What the frack? Was John trying to break her? Damn Field Agents. Felicity had forgotten how exhausting it was to have a conversation with one. She gestured impatiently, "Do you need something from my team then?"

There was a pause. Then, "I need Overwatch."

Okay…maybe Felicity didn't want to know after all.

Felicity's vision blurred. She genuinely feared she might pass out and she'd had a protein bar an hour ago so it wasn't hypoglycemia this time. It was the simple utterance of a name. A name she had once been so proud of. How far she had fallen from the courageous Field Agent she once thought she was.

Felicity swallowed, forcing herself to speak, "Overwatch is…"

Dead. Overwatch died in a chamber deep below the Temple of the Jaguar five long years ago. A lifetime ago. She died alongside Ronnie Raymond, Firestorm, with a bullet to the gut. Overwatch had been wrenched from inside her and thrown away along with the rest of her 'unnecessary' parts, leaving Felicity the empty shell she was now.

"…retired."

Digg frowned, but his expression showed he had anticipated that answer. And that he wasn't giving up that easily. Felicity would expect nothing less. John was nothing if not tenacious. "Well, unfortunately, I…all of us will need her to come out of retirement."

"Digg…" Felicity started already shaking her head, using his nickname again for the first time as her fists became tight balls under her desk. A desperate attempt to still the tremor.

"I wouldn't ask if anyone else could do the job," John insisted, leaning forward with his hands up, a gesture of peace. He looked more sympathetic now. As if he had some fraction of an idea of what he was asking of her.

But he had no idea. She'd never told him, which was a least half the problem. John just didn't understand she couldn't do what he was asking her to do. Felicity was barely able to hold a conversation with someone who didn't live in the Cave. How could she function in the field?

"I need you. The goddamn world needs you."

Seriously? This was too much. No one needed her. Felicity leaned back, pushing her glasses up so she could rub her eyes, wishing she could wipe out this entire conversation, wishing it was all a strange dream. "You've never been one for melodrama, John."

That was good. She sounded like Team Leader Smoak. Not like the broken little girl that she felt like. If the world needed her, they could do so with her working from the Cave. It was the only place she could function like a human being. Out there…Felicity just wasn't up to the challenge. Look what happened last time.

"And I'm not now." Digg leaned his elbows on his knees, his face hard. He looked frighteningly serious. "Are you ready to listen?"

Great. John had to give her a choice, didn't he? That way he looked like the good guy, giving her a chance to refuse, even though Felicity could do no such thing. What was she going to do? Put her hands over her ears and hum? Say 'No' and run and hide in the bathroom?

And then once Felicity agreed, Digg could say that she'd gone along with it all willingly. He always was a tactical genius. The bastard.

Felicity nodded. But even the nod was a lie. Because she wasn't ready to hear anything.

But Felicity was still an Agent of ARGUS, whether she liked it or not. And that meant she had to pretend. To be brave. To be ready. To pretend to know what the frak she was doing.

Tension Felicity hadn't even noticed was there left Digg's shoulders. Had he actually thought she would bolt? Maybe he understood better than she thought he did.

"You know HIVE?" John asked.

"Of course," Felicity answered with an impatient wave of her hand.

That was something that easily fit into Team Leader Smoak's wheelhouse. And, honestly, what did they think they did down here? HIVE had been ARGUS' main objective for years now, ever since the remnants of Reiter's Shadowspire had splintered and reformed into something more menacing, more overreaching. The Cave was working to bring HIVE down in their way same as the rest of the organization.

"What do you know of Damian Darhk?"

Was this a test? "He's one of HIVE's top-dogs. Or Queen bees, depending on the analogy you prefer. I prefer bees, cause hive, bzzzz…" Great, now she was doing that rambling thing. Felicity hated when that happened. "He's rumored to have magical powers. AKA most definitely into some pretty dangerous crap. We deal with science here, John. Paranormal is two floors down."

And how awesome would it be if that was that? Felicity could just introduce John to

"Darhk is after the Lost City and the Gift of the Sun."

Well…fuck.

Felicity stiffened, but didn't let herself panic. Not yet, anyway. "Kin Cuudad and Kin Zil?"

John nodded, slowly, his eyes never leaving hers.

Still not panicking. Nope. Felicity took a deep breath and said, "They don't exist." She was proud of how calm and certain she sounded.

But John didn't look even a little bit swayed. "Darhk and a thousand of his operatives seem to believe otherwise."

Felicity shook her head. No. She was not going down this rabbit hole. This was a question she had answered over five years ago. No wild goose chases for her. Darhk could search for Kin Cuudad all he wanted. It was lost and couldn't be found.

Though there was an uneasy tingle starting in the base of her spine. Something Felicity hadn't felt in a long, long time. Not since that last night with Oliver…no! No, she was not thinking about him. If she started to think about Oliver and that night, she really would have a breakdown. She had to stick to the facts. The things she knew.

"I've done the research, John." That was why he was here, wasn't it? "I've read every tablet, every wall, every hieroglyphic. I've studied every book that has ever been written on the subject. If the Lost City of the Sun God, Kin Cuudad, actually existed at one point in time, it doesn't anymore. It was destroyed twenty three hundred years ago. And the Gift, Kin Zil, with it. Legend has it that Kin Zil is a hundred times more powerful than the Obsidian Skull. Reiter would never have settled for that if he thought the Gift was real."

"That," Digg said, pointing his finger directly at her, "is exactly why we need Overwatch. No one knows this shit like you do, Felicity."

What did that matter? Who cared how much she knew about a myth? Felicity sure as hell wasn't torturing herself over a work of fiction.

"John I…" Felicity clenched her jaw. "Look, I can give you Cisco. Or Curtis. Or both. They would jump at the chance to work with you in the field." Even if it came to nothing they could gain some good experience. "I'll even call this Mayan expert I know at Oxford. But I'm—"

"I can't take some untrained professor with an Indiana Jones fantasy on a mission like this," John interrupted, harsher now, giving her a withering look for good measure. Sometimes his go-to was to make younger agents feel like errant children. "Oh and I'm taking Curtis anyway. I've got the old team together, but we're down an engineer. And Cisco's on board too. But none of that means I don't need you."

Felicity's eyebrows shot up. Since when could he bugger members of her team without asking…wait. The old team? The entire old team. No, that wasn't possible. Oliver was still in Russia. And Ronnie…

Then Digg added, "Even Caitlin agreed."

"What?" What! Why would Caitlin agree to this…this suicide mission? This fool's errand. This quest of self-destruction? And why the hell wouldn't she talk to Felicity about it first? "She wouldn't—"

"She did," John insisted, cutting her off cleanly. Oh frak, now he looked really serious. He was done playing. "Felicity, we found a door."

A door? A door to Kin Cuudad? The mythical Lost City of the Sun that was the basis of so many Mayan myths? It was said to be the most beautiful city ever inhabited by man, its princess the daughter of the Sun God himself. Of course, after the place was destroyed, Felicity was sure the exaggerations just piled on, one on top of the other, reaching epic levels. But the place had always fascinated her. As it had Reiter. And now, apparently, Darhk.

And then there was the Gift. Kin Zil. No one knew exactly what it was. Only that the Sun King, Kinish Ahau, had given it to his (supposed) daughter and that it held great power. The rumored power was immense enough to spark secret wars that had been fought on and off for centuries. And it looked like yet another was about to begin.

Shaking her head, Felicity tried to block out what John was saying. Block out the memories. Block out the logic and reasoning. Block out the part of her that knew that if what he was saying was true, then Felicity needed to listen. They couldn't let Darhk get his hands on magic that powerful. It was unthinkable. But why did it have to be her.

"ARGUS found what we believe to be the door to the Lost City three hours west of Palenque, Mexico, in the jungle," Digg told her, slowly, as if he knew this was hard for Felicity to hear. "We aren't going to be able to keep the information from HIVE for long. Waller and every other big-wig involved believe you are our best chance of getting that door open before Darhk does."

"And you?" Felicity asked at a whisper, finally letting it all sink in. And because, at her core, she still trusted John Diggle's judgement above Amanda Waller's any day of the week.

"I think you are our only chance."

Felicity sucked in a hissing breath. She didn't want to hear that. She didn't want to hear any of this. She wanted it all to be a vivid dream. One of the many she experienced after falling asleep at her work station, having been awake for way too many hours.

How could she be their only chance? Felicity may have found the Chamber of the Obsidian Skull five years ago, but it had been too late and the collateral damage was beyond unacceptable. There had to be someone better.

"I'll let you think about it." John stood, placing a packet between them on Felicity's desk. He was a man who knew when to push and when to walk away. Poker. He was the best.

Felicity opened the envelope to find four tickets to Cancun, Mexico, leaving first thing in the morning.

Or maybe he was walking away because he knew he didn't have to convince her of anything. He'd already won.

"Think about it, huh?"

ARGUS didn't ask. It ordered. Was John only pretending to give Felicity a choice?

But Digg smiled, ignoring her irritation completely. "I know you'll make the right decision."

Which was just playing dirty and he knew it. Go ahead, John, play the guilt and the faith cards. So not cool.

Then Digg leaned over and squeezed Felicity's hand before turning to leave, making her miss the relationship they used to have so very much. The manipulative bastard.

Felicity lifted her gaze to watch him leave, allowing just a touch of the conflicted emotions she was feeling to show now that his back was turned. But then she saw Caitlin hovering at the door.

Cait greeted Digg warmly, but why wouldn't she? While Caitlin had left the team with Felicity, everyone had known why she left. Everyone had understood. Her husband had been murdered. How could they protest? She'd been kept in contact with everyone, even if it was from a distance. She didn't have the guilt that Felicity lived with.

Except, of course, right now.

Caitlin turned to her friend…her best friend (supposedly) and sheepishly entered Felicity's office as soon as John left. She wore her own armor of heels and a crisp white lab coat, but, this time, she also wore a guilty expression that told Felicity that it was true. She had already agreed to to go back to the Yucatán.

"I can't believe you," Felicity lashed out before Caitlin could say something reasonable and deprive Felicity of the ability to release some of this…terror building up inside her.

It was all too much. Too much longing and too much guilt and regret and Felicity didn't want to face the outside world, never mind the old team. And Mexico. And saving the world? Felicity couldn't even keep track of all the emotions she was feeling.

So Felicity focused on the only one she could grab hold of. Anger. At her best friend. "I can't believe you agreed to go back without even talking to me," she hissed.

Caitlin winced. "Felicity…. I think, I…we…" Her friend took a deep breath and stood up straight, smoothing her palms down the sides of her lab coat and meeting Felicity's furious gaze. "I think I need this. I've been stuck down here for too long. So have you." She said the last softly, gently.

"And the first trip you decide to take is to Mesoamerica?" Seriously? Cait was coming out of the gate with that argument? She would have gotten a lot further with the 'save the world' bent. "With the temples and the magic and the heat—?"

"September shouldn't be as hot as June…" Caitlin tried in a small voice, worrying her fingers and biting her lip. "Well, maybe not."

"It's hurricane season, Caitlin!" And why were they talking about the weather? Besides the fact that Felicity was certain the feel of the humidity and the smell of Central America would be incredibly triggering. She hadn't even known what "triggering" was before Tikal and now...she had enough flashbacks of that day to last a hundred lifetimes.

Caitlin reached out and grabbed Felicity's hand, which was rather brave of her given everything. Especially since, unlike with Digg, Felicity didn't even try to hide her distress from Cait. She was the one person on earth who knew everything.

"Felicity, I've been hiding in my grief for five years, unable to move past Ronnie," Cait pleaded, forcing Felicity to meet her gaze. "Well, I'm finally ready to move on and I think this is the way to do that."

Squeezing her eyes shut, Felicity turned her head away, but she continued to hold Cait's an argument hand. Her friend was smarter than she initially gave her credit for. Felicity might not listen to that she should move on, but there was nothing she wouldn't do for Caitlin. Though, if it wasn't for the 'save the world' part, she'd argue having dinner out might be a better place to start.

"Well, what if I'm not ready?" Felicity whispered, hating how pathetic and vulnerable she sounded, even if it was just with Cait. Even if it was true. She was very much not ready. She wasn't sure she ever would be.

"I think you are ready to let your grief go," Caitlin told her gently. "It's the guilt that you're holding on to."

That one cut like a knife and Felicity pulled away, going to stare out the fake window into the projections of mountains and clear skies. Felicity wondered if they would switch it to clouds and rain if she asked or if they'd make her go back to Psych if she tried.

This was the problem with best friends. Sometimes, they actually did know you better than you knew yourself. Sometimes, they knew you too well. Caitlin was right. Of course, she was right.

The grief and pain after Tikal had led Felicity to shut everyone out. Everyone but Caitlin, because what right did she have to shut Cait out. Caitlin was in even more pain than she was. Ronnie was dead. Felicity had given Oliver up, but she had the comfort of knowing he was alive and healthy, that he still had a chance of happiness.

At least, Oliver would have if Felicity hadn't frak…fucked it all up. In the end, she had ruined his life. Completely.

Felicity had refused to see anyone after the surgery for her bullet wound. Anyone. She didn't trust herself to stay strong if she was face to face with Oliver. Or any member of the team. Her plan was clear. Her objective was to make sure Oliver led a happy life, even if she couldn't. It was out of love that she shut him out and Felicity would maintain that to the end of her days, even if she now knew it was stupid and misguided.

She hurt him so Oliver could be happy. God, how stupid that sounded now? How could she have been so short-sighted? Felicity had been so sure of herself.

She had known what it would take to make Oliver walk away. A clean break. With Felicity as the bad guy. Then he could move on. Ideally, he would leave ARGUS all together go back to Starling, to his long lost family. Find someone to heal the wounds she'd inflicted and get to work on his miniature baseball team. His Queen Legacy.

But that wasn't what happened.

Oliver had finally walked away, all right, but it wasn't to go home. After three long and painful months of trying to get Felicity to talk to him, he had finally given up, but instead of going home to Starling, he had taken an undercover mission with the Russian Mafia. The fucking Bratva.

Felicity couldn't think of a more dangerous assignment. Not even to his health. To his soul. It was the exact opposite of what Felicity had wanted for Oliver. She still couldn't fathom how it went so wrong.

When Felicity found out about Oliver's new mission, she had gone to Caitlin and confessed the whole thing…the injury, the surgery, the idiotic plan…everything. Cait had been sympathetic, understanding. The best friend anyone could ask for. Which meant, of course, she'd told Felicity to go straight to Oliver. To tell him whatever she had to to stop him from going to Russia.

And Felicity had. Incredibly, she'd taken Cait's advice and rushed over to Oliver's room like a scene out of a bad RomCom, ready to do whatever it took.

But this wasn't a movie. Oliver was already gone. Gone so deep undercover there was no way to contact him. Not even to deliver a message.

It had been too late.

That was five years ago. Oliver had been undercover with the Bratva for five years. With no contact with the outside world save an unknown handler. Sometimes, Felicity wondered if there was anything left of the Oliver she knew.

All information on him was need to know only. And down here in the Cave, they didn't need to know anything.

Felicity could hack in, of course, but not without leaving a trace, a trail for other ARGUS Information Specialists to follow. There had been a few instances when she'd woken from nightmares so intense…she had given in and looked. Just to make sure Oliver was still alive. But really, what right did she have to that comfort?

She had sacrificed her happiness for Oliver's and ended up destroying his more completely than she could have ever imagined. Perhaps for good. She'd seen agents after missions like this one…Felicity shuddered. She was a woman greatly revered for her intellect and her stupidity had destroyed Oliver's life. The one person she loved more than anything.

Caitlin crept up behind her, wrapping her arms around Felicity's middle and resting her chin on her shoulder. "This is going to be a really difficult trip for me," she whispered, not even trying to hide the cajoling undertone. "I'd really like it if my best friend could be there for moral support."

Felicity sagged, letting out a half-sob, half-chuckle. "Low blow, Snow."

But she already knew she was fighting a losing battle. Felicity already had enough guilt on her plate, she wasn't going to leave the world…and her friends to the likes of Damian Darhk if she could help it. Even if she wasn't actually capable of the miracles they were expecting from her. And even if she really, really wanted to.

"Well," Caitlin continued, faux-reasonably. She knew she had won, damn her. "You could stay here. I'm sure we could find another trained agent with 173 IQ who spent a year in the field learning everything there is to know about Mayan culture and mytho—"

"I get the picture," Felicity sighed. Point taken. No need to beat it home. Really, she had known the moment Digg told her he needed her she would do it. And so had they.

Caitlin wrinkled her nose, asking in a small voice, "So you'll come?"

Felicity grunted. "It doesn't sound like I have much of a choice, does it?"

Live with the guilt of her friends going without her and the knowledge that anything that went wrong was the fault of her cowardliness? Or go and live with the fact that any failure was the result of her incompetence?

No. She didn't have much of a choice. Either way, Felicity's past was coming back to finish off what was left of her.

Author's Note:

(More photographs and art for this chapter on Tumblr at Emmilynestill)

Tikal and Palenque are both real places in Mesoamerica that you can visit. Kinish Ahau is the name of their Sun God. Much of the mythology I have created here is inspired by real Mayan religion and what we know of their language, but everything about the Lost City exists only in my brain.

Please, don't forget to let me know what you think. You can also visit me at

Emmy