To Sacrifice the Sun
Chapter Two
September 15, 2016
06:23
Airport
Undisclosed location, USA
Life could change course dramatically, in the space of a heartbeat. Felicity had learned this the hard way.
A computer virus was released and seconds later debts were erased and the FBI notified. A gun trained on the man she loved and one quick lunge to the right…everything changed, altered, distorted. Lives…never the same. Dreams…dead.
So, it really shouldn't surprise Felicity that nineteen hours after meeting with John Diggle, her life was, one again, unrecognizable.
Less than a day and Felicity and Caitlin were climbing out of a cab dressed for the first vacation they had been on in a decade. Of course, it wasn't actually a vacation. In fact, it more resembled a hell on earth scenario, but it was all about appearances, right? That's what being undercover was all about. Crap, she hated undercover.
Felicity wasn't even sure she recognized herself. She was wearing the sort of light and breezy sundress that she hadn't worn in years, looking for all the world like any other (late) twenty-something meeting her friends for a vacation in Cancun. The only thing that felt like her were her glasses and her ponytail, a reminder to herself that she wasn't that Felicity Smoak anymore. And she never would be.
Caitlin and Felicity had gotten ready for this trip with a quick efficiency and a scarcity of conversation, both lost in their own thoughts, gathering their own strength. They made it through the security check with a well-oiled grace. Something that was especially impressive given they were both carrying firearms. Agents don't leave home without them.
Internally, the two women might be the very definition of a train wreck (metaphorically, of course), but it was amazing how easily they fell back into undercover work, (even if Felicity was hating it) doing the perfect impression of two happy-go-lucky friends off for sunnier shores.
Well, maybe they didn't quite pull off happy-go-lucky, but it was barely past dawn. Surely, too much cheerfulness would be suspicious at this hour.
Suspicious, like say, the wolf-whistle that sounded behind them.
The women froze, sending each other a look. Felicity prayed…prayed that it was just some chauvinistic asshole. Because if it was who she thought it was, so help them…Felicity took a deep breath, grabbed Cait's arm, and turned…
Why, god? Why?
"Hey, hot stuff...s. Plural. What's the plural for hot stuff?"
Felicity closed her eyes and groaned, throwing her head back. Why was this her life? And, ironically, how was this the good part?
She heard Caitlin hiss, "Cisco!"
When Felicity opened her eyes again it was to see not one, but two, Bermuda shorts clad dorks jogging toward them, both radiant with excitement. And the worst part…they were her dorks.
"How about foxy mamas?" Cisco offered with a wide grin, doing some weird jig thing that Felicity suspected he thought passed for sexy.
"You know I'm technically your boss, right? So, um…really not appropriate," Felicity griped, praying it would just stop. She hadn't had enough coffee for this.
Felicity couldn't help but wonder how long the line for the Jitters Kiosk would be at this time of the morning? What was she thinking? It didn't matter. Any amount of time was worth it. Especially if Cait dealt with the guys while she was waiting. Felicity would happily buy her a cappuccino for her trouble.
Cisco just grinned wider, either oblivious to her discomfort or reveling in it. He leaned toward Felicity, saying in what he probably thought was a whisper, "You know we're undercover, right?"
And Curtis, the big idiot, just nodded. How were they be this awake? "And here I thought we were the junior agents here." He gestured to him and Cisco.
The shorter man nodded. "The girls must be out of practice."
Outside the lab, Cisco and Curtis' rivalry was non-existent. And when they joined forces they were the Dynamic Duo of Dork's everywhere. Unstoppable. Heaven help them all.
"Or…" Caitlin jumped in, irritated and getting more so by the second. "We've just never been sexually harassed by our teammates before."
Cisco laughed and bumped her shoulder with his. "That's not what I heard," he leered, leaned in with an exaggerated eyebrow wiggle.
Only Cisco would bring up Caitlin's relationship with her teammate, her dead husband, and get away with it.
And by get away with it, Felicity meant that instead of Caitlin going stony and freezing him out, she just blushed and attacked Cisco with full-on cat-fight slaps. Nothing had ever been so deserved.
And, somehow, in the space between her prolonged nervous breakdown and her incredibly inappropriate teammates, Felicity laughed. And, for a moment, she felt almost normal.
Maybe, this wouldn't be so bad. Felicity had her new team to watch her back. All she needed to do was figure out how to open that damn door (or debunk it) and she had the best The Cave could offer to help her. Surely, together they could figure it out and be out of there without any bloodshed. Right?
Once Cait's attack was over, Cisco twined his arm with a disgruntled Caitlin's (proving just how not cowed he was by her) and turned to Felicity. "But seriously, boss lady, I've never seen you looking so cheerful and fresh."
Felicity must have picked her outfit well, because the last thing she was feeling was cheerful or fresh. What kind of compliment was that, anyway? It sounded like a deodorant commercial.
"Umm hmmm," Curtis hummed, throwing an arm around Felicity's shoulder.
Little did they know that all of her clothes from…before were cheerful and bright. Sunny even. Felicity had been a different person.
"You look smokin,'" Cisco sang, doing another one of those ridiculous hip wiggles. "No, pun intended."
Curtis chuckled, leaning toward Felicity to say, "Don't let him fool you. The pun was very much intended. In fact, I'd put down money that Cisco has been waiting years for just the right moment to use it."
Felicity rolled her eyes at their antics (even if it did do wonders to relax her) and muttered quietly, "Believe it or not, I still remember how to go undercover. Though, Cait, I seem to remember that it involves less mentioning we're undercover."
"Why, Felicity," Caitlin tapped her finger to her lips, mock contemplative. "I do believe you're right. It's just been sooooo long."
"Don't try to change the subject," Cisco cut in. "I'm pretty sure this delectable little sundress has less to do being…" He dropped his voice to a whisper, "undercover," earning more eye-rolls. "And more to do with the fact that Felicity here is seeing her gorgeous ex for the first time in five years. Not that I've ever met the man, so—"
"Oh, he's gorgeous," Curtis interjected. "I've seen pictures. But you are killing it in this, Felicity."
"You know, now might be a good time for you to tell us what happened between you and Agent Tall-Gorgeous-and-Dangerous," Cisco teased. "Just so we know if we should be all cold and protective or…Felicity? You okay?"
Okay?
No. No, Felicity was not okay.
In fact, as soon as Felicity had realized what the hell the two men were talking about, she had become the very definition of not okay. It felt like a bucket of cold water had been dumped on her head, seeping over her slowly and chilling her to the bone. The world seemed to move in slow motion and their words sounded as if they were coming from a distance, muffled.
Somehow, Felicity managed to whisper, "What…what did you say?"
"Ummm," Cisco eyes darted between her and the others, looking a bit freaked out himself. Which meant Felicity probably looked like a mental patient. Fabulous. Just fabulous. "I said—"
"Shut it!" Caitlin smacked Cisco again, pushing him out of the way. She turned her concerned gaze to Felicity, grabbing her by the shoulders and turning her to face Cait completely, blocking out the guys.
"Cait?" Felicity whimpered. She hated the way she sounded. Small. Frightened. Pathetic. "I only have one gorgeous ex and he's in Russia. Right? He's in Russia, Cait? Tell me he's in Russia." Not that she wanted him to be in Russia, but…
The face Caitlin made said it all. "Digg didn't tell you?"
"Tell me what?" Felicity knew she sounded hysterical, but…oh, god, she knew what.
"I thought John told you. I said we needed to face our pasts and I thought you understood I meant…" Caitlin trailed off, licking her lips and…Felicity realized that Cait meant that she had to face Oliver.
Caitlin wanted Felicity to face Oliver. Dear lord. Oliver...
"It's going to be the old team. All of us. Except Ronnie, of course…"
Great, now Felicity felt like a bitch and a mental patient. She found Caitlin's hand and squeezed it tight, whispering, because she just couldn't seem to get past it this, "But how could Oliver be there when he's undercover?"
He was unreachable. Lost in the Bratva.
"Oh, Felicity." Caitlin seemed to deflate. "Oliver's mission in Russia was over weeks ago. It was a huge sting. They were able to take down a massive portion of the Bratva power structure. Oliver had to get out of there. I can't believe no one told you."
But, of course, no one told her. Everyone was terrified to mention Oliver's name to her. He Who Must Not Be Named. And rightfully so. Look what happened when they did.
"He's been debriefed and finished R&R and…"
"And?" Felicity held her breath, waiting for the answer. The confirmation. The final nail in her coffin.
Caitlin was nothing but sympathetic when she murmured, "And he's meeting us in Mexico. With the rest of the team."
Felicity knew it was coming. She had just been waiting for the words. But still they hit her like a Mack truck and suddenly she couldn't breathe.
"Excuse me," Felicity muttered, ducking under Curtis' arm and dashing to the bathroom. Somehow, she managed to get there before she trulystarted to hyperventilate.
Frak. Frak. Frak.
She was an anxious wreck. A basket case. What right did Felicity have to be out in the field? She was going to get someone killed. Who in their right mind cleared her for this mission?
Leaning over a sink, Felicity splashed cold water onto her face. This was insane. She couldn't behave this way. And from the idea of seeing Oliver again…
Felicity stumbled into the lady's room lounge, finding a corner behind the door and sliding down the wall to sink the ground. Oh dear god. It wasn't an idea. Felicity was going to see Oliver.
After five years, three months, and eleven days, Felicity was actually going to see Oliver. Her Oliver. Talk to him. Maybe even touch him.
With shaking hands, Felicity reached for her bag and pulled out a bottle of pills, struggling with the cap.
"Here, let me," Caitlin whispered, kneeling in front of her and taking the bottle from Felicity's clumsy, incompetent hands. Cait opened the cap easily and handed her a small white pill and a bottle of water.
Felicity swallowed the pill gratefully. But when she took the pill bottle back, she shook it at Cait angrily. The full bottle of Xanax. "I haven't needed these in months, you know."
"I know," Caitlin agreed gently. Because Felicity needed gentleness. Because she was a friggin lunatic. And people needed to walk on egg-shells around her, even the woman who was going to face the scene of her husband's murder.
Felicity squeezed her eyes shut. "Something tells me this bottle will be empty by the time we go home."
If they go home.
Now, there was a morbid thought. When had Felicity gone from freaking out about seeing the love-of-her life, to being convinced they were all going to die on this mission?
The scary thing was, it wasn't all that far-fetched. In some ways, they had gotten lucky last time. Only losing one of them. If half of what she heard about Darhk was true, he was so much worse than Reiter.
Caitlin settled next to her, her back to the wall and her shoulder pressed against Felicity's. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have assumed that Digg told you."
Felicity shook her head. She wasn't angry at Caitlin. She couldn't be angry at anyone but herself. She was the one responsible for this whole ridiculous mess. Well, and Reiter, but he was dead, so blaming him did no good.
And, the irony of it all, was that, despite everything, Felicity was kinda, sorta…thrilled.
How sick was that? God, Felicity wanted to see Oliver again. She wanted to see that he was alive and whole. She wanted to hear his voice…and she was so completely pathetic that it wasn't even funny. Also, she was going to get her heart trounced. Though, if any woman deserved to get her heart shattered it was her.
Would Oliver want to see her? Was he upset that Felicity was joining the team? Was he over her? As Felicity would never be over him? Did he hate her? He had every right to hate her.
But, god, Felicity didn't know how she could handle seeing Oliver look at her with hate. Or even apathy for that matter. She didn't even know which one was worse.
"God, Cait," Felicity finally whispered, the words tumbling out, "how am I going to face him? I ruined his life—"
"The way you always do. With courage and determination," Caitlin insisted, lacing their hands together.
Felicity huffed. "Yeah." Caitlin couldn't possibly still believe that after all these years of Felicity cowering under the ground. Her first glimpse of real sunlight in months and here she was, hiding in the bathroom. "I left any courage I had in Guatemala five years ago."
"Felicity," Caitlin squeezed her hand, "it took tremendous courage to walk away from Oliver like you did. It was incredibly misguided…."
Felicity had to laugh at that. No truer words.
"But it was brave. And it was done out of love."
Felicity's laugh disintegrated into a sob. "I highly doubt Oliver will see it that way."
Cait shrugged, but her smile was encouraging. "Then maybe you need to make him."
Felicity shook her head vehemently at that. God, Caitlin didn't actually think there was a chance at reconciliation? How could she possibly even entertain the thought? "Cait…it's too late. I had my chance to tell him everything and I…I was too late. Too late then. Five years too late now."
Caitlin moved to crouch in front of her, meeting Felicity's eyes. "I know you believe that—"
"Cait…" Felicity pleaded. She didn't want to hear this. The last thing she needed was false hope.
"Look, Felicity, you need to do this. Or you will never move on. I don't know if Oliver is still in love with you. But I do know you are still in love with him."
Felicity closed her eyes to block out the words, but despite her best efforts a tear escaped.
"And I also know that you owe it to both of you to finally tell Oliver the truth. It's the only way you'll ever forgive yourself."
Taking a shaky breath, Felicity finally nodded and tried to smile at her friend. She knew everything Caitlin said was true. There was only one flaw in her argument.
Felicity really didn't think she deserved forgiveness.
September 15, 2016
16:51
ARGUS Beach House
Mayan Riviera, Mexico
Felicity had a four-plus hour flight to contemplate everything Cait said. A long, torturous flight without any alcohol (she had already taken that very necessary Xanax), where she found it completely impossible to concentrate on work.
She was going to come face to face with Oliver. There was absolutely no way around that. An eight-person team became smaller and smaller the longer the mission went on and everyone had to work together.
A strain between two people could become deadly. Finally, Felicity understood why relationships were prohibited on teams. The whole jumping in front of bullets and emotional breakdowns aside.
They had been so young. They'd fancied themselves so wise. And Felicity had been so stupid.
And speaking of stupid…
She didn't even want to avoid seeing Oliver, not really. Oh, Felicity was terrified. In a special kind of way she had never been terrified before, but now that she knew he was there, waiting for them, for her to arrive…
Felicity needed to see him. It was a burning itch under her skin. A craving. She just needed to get one glimpse of him. To be near him. Even if Oliver despised her.
What she was going to say when they were finally face to face was another story all together. Felicity ran through scenarios while she pretended to flip through research on her tablet.
They ranged anywhere from Oliver begging her to come back…to facing his overwhelming rage and hatred. Or even his cold indifference. Felicity even had a fully formed fantasy/day-mare that Oliver would show up with his new wife. His gorgeous, competent, Russian Spy wife.
By the time they landed, Felicity had even decided on the fantasy woman's eye color and the pitch of her voice. And even though that was exactly what she had wanted for Oliver all along, it made her nauseous in a way that the turbulence helped not at all.
By the time the four of them had reached ARGUS' lavish beach house that served both as a safe house and their base of operations in this area of the world, Felicity just wanted to get the whole thing over with. The actual meeting couldn't be worse than what her mind created.
So when Cait whispered to her that Oliver was on the beach, talking to Lyla, Felicity hugged her friend for luck, or strength as the case may be, and slipped away as quickly and quietly as she could.
It was a huge private beach, a cove isolated from neighbors by natural rock formations. It was incredibly peaceful. Endless pink sand and ocean with a smattering of palm trees and beach furniture to break up the landscape.
Which was why Felicity was immediately able to spot Oliver. Though, maybe, her eyes would have found him just as quickly in Times Square on New Year's Eve. He was in the distance by a group of palm trees, standing in profile talking to someone, presumably Lyla, who was sitting in a beach chair.
And, god, he was…he was beautiful.
He was Oliver.
He looked different. And exactly the same. And…god, Felicity was going to cry and Oliver hadn't even looked her at her yet.
It had been so damn long. One would have thought some of the intense feelings would have dimmed. But looking at Oliver now only reminded Felicity of how strong it had always been. From the first look to the last, it would seem.
Oliver's shoulders were broader, though Felicity had no idea how such a thing was possible. His hair was shorter, all the youthful floppiness gone. His face was fuller, more mature. The five o'clock shadow that he rarely bothered to shave was now more of a close-cropped beard.
Felicity took a couple of steps closer and she could see that Oliver even held himself differently. His arms crossed, his stance reeked of power and control. Any trace of the teasing lightness on his face, something she had adored, was gone. Or at least buried deep. The weight on those broad shoulders was obvious.
How much of that had Felicity piled on and how much was Russia? Though, since it was her fault Oliver went to that frozen hell in the first place, she supposed she could consider herself to blame for all of it.
Her feet faltered in the sand, her wedges sinking, throwing her off balance. Felicity found her muscles freezing up before she could get too close, the panic starting to spike again.
What was she going to say? In all her ruminations and scenario running Felicity had never effectively gotten past 'Hi, Oliver,' in her head and now she didn't think she could even manage that. A part of her prayed he would turn toward her and save her from having to say the first words. Which was so unfair of her to ask but…
Then she heard Lyla laugh. Felicity had actually forgotten that Oliver was speaking to a real live person. Then Oliver smiled and it was…as breathtaking as she remembered it. Even if it wasn't at her.
Lyla held out her hand and Oliver took it, helping her to her feet and—
Felicity's heart skipped a beat and then took off at a frightening speed. Her blood started to rush in her ears as Lyla's hugely pregnant belly came into view. Then the older woman took Oliver's hand and placed it on her stomach and Oliver's smile widened and…
And Felicity…
Felicity ran.
This panic attack was worse than the one in the airport, worse than…frak, Felicity couldn't remember the last time she had had an attack like this.
But the need to flee was overwhelming. So Felicity did, tripping over the sand, cursing her damn sandals. She wouldn't be surprised if she wound up face down on the beach. But somehow, she made it to the patio on the side of the house, not exactly sure how she got there. Her vision was blurry, her lungs burned, her heart felt like it could and would beat right out of her chest.
Felicity stumbled right up to the wall and leaned her face against the cool stucco. Closing her eyes tightly, she ignored the tears and forced herself to breathe, trying to force the image of Oliver's hand on that pregnant belly out of her mind.
Only in Felicity's mind's eye it was her swollen belly Oliver was caressing so fondly and it was the cruelest image her brain could conger. Something that was not only completely impossible…but the image, the idea that had destroyed everything.
If only Oliver hadn't wanted children, his own children, so badly, maybe Felicity wouldn't have acted so foolishly. Maybe she would have at least turned to him first, or to their friends, told the truth, before throwing absolutely everything away.
But seeing the look on this new harder Oliver's face when he looked at Lyla, Felicity knew it was still his dream. And it was a dream that could never include her.
Felicity groped for her handbag before realizing that she had left it in the house with the rest of the luggage. Crap. She had never needed that damn Xanax more.
Pushing aside her glasses, Felicity brushed away the tears, though no matter what she did they kept coming. She never used to be such a crier. She tried to remind herself of that as she did her breathing exercises. Without the medicine it was all she had.
So…John and Lyla were having a baby.
Felicity was happy for them. Really. She wasn't so selfish as to begrudge them this. She just wished she had known. Of course, it was her own fault, because Caitlin was the only who knew she would have a problem with it so she was the only one who would think to warn her and… well, there was no way Cait had known, she would have told Felicity right away.
At one point, as her CO, John may have been able to see Felicity's medical records, but she had had them locked up tight and had herself transferred off his team before he was even out of the hospital. So, again, even Felicity not getting a warning was her own damn fault.
Ever since Tikal, Felicity had had a reaction to pregnant woman. Even worse than seeing babies, for some reason. It was awful and pathetic, but it wasn't something she had any control over.
Luckily, Felicity didn't really have to deal with this…strange phobia of hers very often. No one got pregnant in The Cave. People were lucky if they had sex in The Cave.
She didn't mean…not in the Cave, in The Cave, not like they were going at it next to the microscopes…actually, if they did have sex, that was probably exactly what they did.
But outside of her crazy celibacy starved mind, Felicity was pretty sure there was very little intimacy going on. In fact, they all bonded over their shared lack of a personal life. It was a beautifully asexual existence.
Felicity didn't even remember the last time she had seen a pregnant woman before today…no, that was a lie. And Felicity did her best not to lie to herself. It had been December 2014. The grocery store.
A woman…a very very pregnant woman had bumped into her. Felicity had spent the entire night crying into her mint-chocolate chip ice cream. Not a pint. No, a whole half-gallon. Her friends teased that she didn't know how to feed herself, but they didn't know about her secret ice cream stash.
Now Felicity ordered groceries on-line. When she remembered. Or ran low on Ben and Jerry's. And how pathetic was that.
Felicity secretly thought she was the most pitiful person in The Cave. And talk about competition. Maybe if she had left her sanctuary more often, she wouldn't be such a wreck now. If they were honestly counting on her to save the world, the world was doomed.
Felicity heaved herself away from the wall, intent on finding her bag now that she was less hysterical. At least a medicated Felicity was half-human.
But she had only taken a few steps when…
"Felicity!"
Startled, Felicity jerked her head toward the sound and saw a blur of blond hurtling toward her. There was barely a chance to take in Sara's grinning face before she grabbed Felicity in a bone-crunching hug (damn, she was strong) lifting Felicity off the ground as if she were Digg's size and not barely a half inch taller than Felicity herself.
"Oh my god, girl. I missed you!"
Felicity found herself laughing (punch drunk, was what she was). But, also, hugging Sara back, almost as hard. Frak, she was an emotional mess today. Maybe Felicity should add Bipolar to the PTSD and Panic Disorder diagnoses her old shrink had given her.
But somehow Sara's strong arms grounded her. "Me too," Felicity confessed tearfully, hugging her old friend harder as she realized how true that was.
All of her conflicted emotions were crashing down on her. The joy of seeing Oliver alive and whole. The devastation of what was never to be. The soul-crushing anxiety. Seeing Sara again and being so accepted after all Felicity had done…
It was too much.
With a half-sob/half-laugh, Felicity rocked Sara back and forth, hoping her old friend would think these were happy tears. Maybe they were. Partially. Felicity and Sara used to be so close, despite how different they were. How was it possible that she still felt a connection after everything that had happened?
"I missed you so much," Felicity whispered, overcome. She hadn't known. This was her sister. They were her family and Felicity had sent them away. Why did she do that?
But at least one of them forgave her. Wanted her back even. And that felt wonderful.
Sara finally pulled back. "Let me look at you! You look good, girl," Sara announced after a perusal and Felicity was certain she was being way too kind. There was no way she didn't look like the wreckage she was. "A little pale, but I expected much worse after you were stuck in the ground for so long."
Felicity's laugh was watery and she wondered if she was going to be called out for her tears. "It's not a literal cave, you know?"
"Isn't it though? Isn't it?"
Laughing, as surely Sara had intended her to, Felicity gave her friend the same perusal. "You look…exactly the same." The same vibrancy, the same strength and beauty. The same eyes that had seen too much and the smile that knew how to take life as it came. The same complete lack of judgement.
Sara tilted her head, her lips mirroring the movement by tipping up on one side. "I'm not sure if that's a compliment."
Exactly the same. Thank god something was! But before Felicity could answer, Sara grinned and threw an arm around her shoulders. "Come `ere. Let me introduce you to our new teammate."
Sara gestured to a tall, built…kid. God, were they all that young when they started?
The kid shuffled forward with a small shy smile. "Hey." His hands were buried in his pockets and he looked like an Abercrombie model. Not as good looking as Oliver, but Felicity could see the appeal.
"This is Roy," Sara explained. "He's going to be another Special Ops on this one since Lyla is preggers and couldn't fit into the Kevlar."
Felicity suppressed a shudder at Sara's flippant words, miraculously keeping her smile in place. She reminded herself that Sara didn't know. Sara had no idea. Which was no one's fault but Felicity's.
"So, Mrs. Prego Matriarch will stay here, running communications with…" Sara looked at Felicity and scrunched up face, "Forgot his name. That really enthusiastic Hispanic dude?"
That inspired a genuine laugh, yanking Felicity back into the world of the living. "Cisco. He's awesome. One of mine. You'll love him."
Sara's grin was wide. "Well, if he's one of yours…hey, have you met the new engineer we're taking along?" Her face grew more serious and dropped an octave. "Has Caitlin—?"
"That's Curtis," Felicity interrupted before Sara could go any further. "Also one of mine and Cait's totally good with him. They're close. Well, not Ronnie and Caitlin close. Friends close. Curtis is gay." And there went her first embarrassing ramble of the mission. So many more to look forward to. Yippee.
But if Sara noticed, she didn't acknowledge it and poor Roy was looking more than a little intimidated by them both. Then Sara turned to the boy and said, "I'll never understand why you all insist on limiting yourself to one gender. It's so…restricting." And Felicity had to wonder if she was trying to intimate the boy. For, like, fun. As a rite of passage or something.
Then Roy sent Sara a pointed and rather disgruntled look that had the woman asking, innocently, "What?"
"You haven't actually introduced us yet," Roy hissed, gesturing his chin at Felicity and she had to actually bite her lip to keep from smiling as Sara rolled her eyes.
"Ooo does da wittle boy need to be fowmally introduced to the pwitty giwl?"
The poor boy scowled, then turned away from Sara completely, taking her challenge by holding out his hand to Felicity. "Hi, I'm Roy Harper. On my last mission, manners were important. I guess I'll have to adjust."
His eyes were bright and teasing and Felicity instantly liked him. She could see why Sara had already adopted him as a younger brother.
Felicity clasped his hand and gave him a welcoming smile, silently apologizing for Sara. "I'm Felicity Smoak. It's a pleasure, Roy Harper."
Roy froze, his jaw literally dropping open, his eyes widening dramatically. "Felicity? The Felicity."
Felicity was taken aback. Okay… "I…I don't know. I…" She looked to Sara. "When did I become 'the' Felicity. What are you guys saying about me? Is there another Felicity?" Because she wasn't 'the' material, hadn't been for a long time. Maybe not ever. But their world was small and her name wasn't common.
Sara shook her head, looking nothing but amused. Though Sara always looked amused. Unless she was about to kill you. Well, sometimes even then. "Don't look at me. I just met Baby Gap here a few days ago. I don't even remember mentioning you. Sorry."
But Roy pulled himself together enough to answer, "Maybe 'the' Felicity isn't exactly right. Maybe I should have said 'Oliver's' Felicity?' Are you Oliver's Felicity?"
Her face fell and her stomach dropped. Felicity was certain that she resembled a mackerel, with her mouth opening and closing, no words coming out.
Oh dear god, who was calling her that?
Whoever it was, they seemed to have made Sara's day. Her laugh was beyond delighted. "Well, that makes more sense." Sara grabbed Roy's shoulder and gave it a squeeze. "Yes, my boy, this is most definitely Oliver's Felicity."
"What?" Felicity was going to murder her. Sara may be deadly, but Felicity had her own skills. "No…I mean…no. Well, I was once…but not now…" And ramble number two was a complete a runaway train and so much worse than the first one. "I can't imagine that Oliver had another Felicity. That would be really weird. And I've certainly never had another Oliver. Not that I have an Oliver. Not anymore." She winced and stretched her jaw, praying it would stop. "I am not currently anybody's Felicity, least of all Oliver's. Sara, please, help me. Make it stop."
"Why would I do that? That was awesome." Sara was looking at her like it was Christmas. She turned to Roy. "In other words, absolutely, yes, this is Oliver's Felicity." Then she turned back to Felicity. "Did I forget to mention that our boy Roy here spent three years in Russia as Oliver's side-kick?"
This new information made Felicity's stomach turn over, but not in a bad way this time. So…Oliver must have mentioned her to Roy. Enough that Roy remembered her and thought she was important to him. Felicity swallowed, her mouth suddenly dry.
"I was his partner," Roy protested, clearly insulted by the 'side-kick' comment.
Sara's response was her patented stare, one eye-brow up, arms crossed.
Roy folded like a bad hand. "Okay, maybe he was my CO, but…I'll accept protégé."
"Mmmhmm."
As entertaining as this all was… "So, umm… you worked with Oliver?" Felicity asked in a small voice, trying not to sound too interested.
It worked so well that Sara's smirk settled right back on her. "What Felicity is asking is…so Oliver talked about her a lot, huh?"
Okay, maybe Felicity should have let sleeping dogs lie. She interrupted Sara with a hard elbow to the ribs. But, yes, that's exactly what she wanted to ask. It was almost unsettling how well Sara knew her after all this time.
Roy swallowed, seeming to realize he might have gotten himself in deeper than he had intended. "I wouldn't say a lot…"
It was shockingly pitiful how disappointed that made her.
"You know Oliver," Roy explained, shrugging. "Mr. Stoic. He doesn't talk 'a lot' about anything."
Felicity had to bite her lip and hope her face didn't give anything away, because he hadn't always been like that. Sometimes he was, but…not with her. Not with his team. And it sounded like Roy was his team. The only one he had in that lonely place.
"He grunts a lot. Tells me what to do. Oliver loves giving me bizarre training exercises. But he's not one for conversation. And certainly not for opening up."
And that kind of made Felicity want to cry.
"But the few times he did mention you, it was like…Felicity." Roy put his hands up with his eyes wide, even giving her a touch of jazz hands. "It was like significant, you know? In the whole I-don't-show-emotions-but-when-I-do-watch-out way. It had that whole undertone of epic romance and regret and lost love…" Roy trailed off his dramatic recitation and threw Felicity a guilty glance. "I'm sorry. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything."
Which pretty much meant that Felicity was doing a terrible job of keeping the devastation off of her face. Wonderful.
"No, no," she tried to protest. "I'm glad you did." And she was, strangely. Felicity lapped up every drop of information about Oliver like it was the nectar of the gods and she hadn't eaten or drank in a week.
Roy gave her a small sympathetic smile, leaning back on his heels and looking her over. "You know, you're nothing like I imagined."
What did that mean?
Actually, Felicity could easily guess what it meant. Roy couldn't imagine big, tough, gorgeous Oliver with an awkward little nerd like her. Though it could also be from everything Oliver had said (or not said as it appeared the case may be) the kid had assumed Felicity was a total bitch. And she kinda sorta had been. In this case, anyway.
Either way Felicity imagined that Roy was expecting some tall, dark, spectacularly beautiful woman. Someone more like Oliver himself…not that he was dark per se. Or a woman, obviously. But the rest…
"We were never the most obvious pair," Felicity told Roy, trying to sound flippant and, she was certain, failing miserably. "Athletic and sophisticated were more his type. I'm sure that's who he dated in Russia. Did he date a lot in Russia?" Oh no, there she went again. Too obvious. Way too obvious. And with a dash of pathetic thrown in too. "Wait, don't answer that. I don't want to know. I mean, I do, but I have no right…actually, no. I hope Oliver found a lovely woman to date—"
"There was no one significant in Russia," Roy told her, rather confidently, clearly trying to hide his grin.
"Oh. Good," Felicity breathed before she realized what she was saying. Oh god, this day. It just needed to end already. "I mean. No. I mean, Oliver has every right to be happy. I want Oliver to be happy. I mean…" She winced, screwing up her face until Roy finally let his smile shine through. What a fool he must think her to be.
Yet his eyes were kind. Roy just seemed so…sweet.
"I'm really, really glad you were with Oliver in Russia, Roy," Felicity blurted, realizing only after she said it how much of a relief it truly was. "To keep him company. I hated the idea of him over there all alone."
And that was way, way too much information. For Sara, never mind Oliver's sidekick.
But instead of being put off, Roy sort of melted into a full body grin. Oh god, he was a puppy. And the idea that Oliver had this sweet, fluffy puppy in Russia was extremely comforting. Enough that Felicity almost didn't mind how much she was humiliating herself.
"You aren't what I imagined," Roy repeated. "But I totally get it."
"Right?" Sara agreed. "It's like a yin yang thing."
"Exactly," Roy nodded. And suddenly the two of them were having a moment and it sort of felt like it was at Felicity's expense.
"You know we're not together, right?" Felicity argued, feeling the need to correct the knowing looks passing between them. "Oliver's my ex-boyfriend. Like as in post-epically terrible break-up where we haven't talked in five years, three months, and eleven days..."
Oh frak, did Felicity just say that out loud? Now they were both smirking at her. Wonderful.
"So…" Roy rocked back on his heels again, his eyes gleaming. "Why did you and Oliver break up anyway? Oliver never said and I got the distinct impression that if I pushed I would get my teeth punched in."
Felicity choked, but before she could get a word in edgewise Sara turned on her too. "That is a fantastic question. Felicity?"
This is what a deer in the headlights must feel like.
"Oh…umm…it was a long time ago…" Because if there was one thing Felicity was certain of, she wasn't going to tell a guy she just met before she even told Oliver. No way in hell. Even if he was his puppy.
Sara groaned, rolling her eyes. "Seriously? After all this time, you're still not going to tell us?"
"Come on, what did Oliver do?" Roy wheedled.
That perked Felicity up. "What? Nothing! He didn't do anything." Sara gave her a skeptical look. Surely, they hadn't thought all this time…? "Is that what everyone thinks? That Oliver did something?"
Sara nodded and Felicity's stomach dropped. "No. Nooo…it was me."
"Oh, come on, Blondie," Roy laughed, equally skeptical. "I've only known you for like ten minutes and even I don't buy that."
"It's true!" All of a sudden, Felicity was desperate for them to understand. This was so much worse than she'd anticipated. "It was all me. Oliver did nothing wrong."
"Well…" Sara's stance shifted. It looked like she was starting to believe her. "That's not what Oliver thinks."
Felicity could feel her face fall as Roy nodded his agreement. "Oliver might not talk about it, but I got the clear impression that he feels it was his fault. That he lost you."
Oh god. Five years. Instead of hating her as he should have, as he was supposed to, Oliver was hating himself. Felicity hadn't even entertained that possibility. Her stupidity knew no bounds.
Because, of course, Oliver blamed himself. He blamed himself for everything. He found a way to blame himself for freak storms, claiming he should have known they were coming. He did this repeatedly. As if he were a goddamn Meteorologist!
Oliver had always carried the weight of the world on those shoulders. And Felicity had added to that weight. Not just added, quadrupled it. How had she ever thought this was the right thing?
She had to make the others, at least, understand, "Oliver—"
"Felicity!"
Her eyes jerked over to see Caitlin hurrying toward her at a frantic pace, a drink in her hand. Felicity had, seriously, never been so relieved to see anyone in her life.
"Hey, Sara," Cait greeted, quickly and a tad dismissively. She was obviously not as concerned as she normally would be with being rude, because she ignored the friend she hadn't seen in years and grabbed Felicity's arm, leaning close to whisper, "Did you see him?"
"From a distance," Felicity muttered, under her breath, so only Cait could hear.
"Lyla?" Caitlin mouthed.
"Mmm hmm," Felicity nodded, slowly, trying to express through her eyes alone everything that meant.
Caitlin deflated, blanching. "I'm so sorry. I didn't know."
Felicity gave her a sad smile and mouthed back, "It's okay."
Even though it really wasn't. Not even a little. But it also wasn't even close to being Caitlin's fault. And Sara and Roy had distracted her, until, well, they hadn't.
"I brought you a margarita," Caitlin announced in her regular voice, a voice laced with a bit too much cheerfulness. Then she added, quieter, "I thought you might need it. You didn't have—"
"Left my purse inside." Felicity grabbed the drink before Caitlin could change her mind about giving it to her. "You have no idea how much I need this." Two long swallows and the not insubstantial drink was half gone.
"Whoa! Watch it, girl," Sara warned, whistling. "Slade's manning the bar, so you know that's not weak. Lover boy sure has you rattled." She gestured toward the beach where Felicity had (once again) abandoned Oliver.
"Sara," Caitlin warned, approaching Sara to pull her aside and hiss in her ear. Hell hath no fury like a best friend in full Mama Bear mode. Felicity just hoped Cait didn't spill any secrets in any attempts to 'help.'
When Cait stepped aside, Felicity saw Shado lingering behind, hesitating. Felicity blew out a breath. She supposed that it was time to woman up. If she was going to face Oliver, she could damn well face Shado, the only other person who knew the full scope of her folly. Who had tried to prevent it and had been ignored. Frak.
"Shado." Felicity swallowed, approaching the other woman and embracing her gingerly.
"Felicity," Shado breathed, seeming to sag with relief at her touch. Then she squeezed Felicity tight and whispered in her ear, "I'm sorry. I tried to find you first and warn you about Lyla."
Tears burned her eyes, but Felicity was feeling a little more in control of herself now, so she just shook her head and whispered, "I'm the one who should be apologizing. I put you in a terrible position all those years ago. You were right." Her voice cracked, but she pushed through. "You were right about everything."
Shado smiled as she pulled back, squeezing Felicity's shoulders. "Does this mean you're finally ready to tell Oliver the truth?"
"Ahhh…" Felicity sucked in her breath. She wouldn't go that far. She saw the look on Oliver's face as he rested his hands on Lyla's belly and... "I don't know. Don't you think it's a little too late?" She gulped down the rest of her drink, hoping it would help...something?
Before Shado could answer, Sara came over and threw her arm around Felicity's shoulders. "I need one of those. We only have one night to relax before we have to go kick some HIVE ass."
"I'll leave the ass kicking to you, but I could use another," Felicity agreed, vastly preferring where this conversation was going. Caitlin threw her worried look and Felicity was quick to add, "Just one more."
And, dear god, did Felicity needed some liquid courage. Or any courage. She was acutely aware that not only would she have to talk to Oliver before the night was over, but Lyla as well. Because she needed another thing to dread.
They headed around to the back of the house, Sara's arm around her shoulders and Caitlin's laced through hers on the other side. Cait held out a hand for Shado. And surrounded by her friends, Felicity felt…supported. It was a good feeling.
Then Roy yelled from behind them. "Hey, what is this High School?" And when Felicity looked over her shoulder, his distraught face made her want to bring him home and give him cuddles. And treats.
"Oh, shut up and get over here, idiot," Sara called, holding out her hand for Roy and saving Felicity from any inappropriate outpouring of emotion for their sad little puppy. They were definitely adopting him.
They walked in comfortable silence and Felicity was almost starting to relax.
Until…
"You know, you aren't going to be able to avoid Oliver forever," Shado told her gently.
As if Felicity didn't know that. As if every thought she had since she'd found out Oliver was going to be here, hadn't revolved around that very fact.
Caitlin nodded, agreeing with Shado and proving she couldn't read Felicity's mind after all. "It may be best if you just get it over with."
Yeeeeah. Felicity had tried that. It ended with a humiliating sprint across the beach and a specular panic attack.
"He won't bite," was Sara's oh-so-helpful contribution. "Unless you want him to."
And sexual innuendo to top it all off. Just what Felicity needed. She felt completely justified in elbowing Sara for that last smart-ass remark.
"If you're all so clever, what exactly am I supposed to say to him?" If they were going to badger her, the least they could do is give Felicity some helpful advice. Because she was drawing a blank.
"How about 'I forgive you?'" Sara suggested.
Felicity groaned with frustration. "I told you. He didn't do anything wrong." What would it take to make her understand?
But Roy and Sara scoffed, clearly not believing her. That was until Caitlin added, "He didn't, actually." Shado added a nod of agreement.
"They know!" Sara protested. "How is that fair?"
Felicity didn't have an answer for that, so she just gave a guilty tilt of her head and a shrug. It was impossible to explain without going into everything. But now that she thought about it, it really wasn't fair. Not a thing about any of this was fair.
"Wait." This time it was Roy who stopped them, coming to halt and putting up his hands. "Oliver really didn't cause the break-up?" he asked with a frown.
Three heads shook a negative and, this time, Felicity wasn't sure if she felt supported or condemned.
"Dude…" Roy looked genuinely upset now. Felicity reaffirmed her position that she was glad he had been in Russia with Oliver. Oliver needed people in his life that cared about him. "You have to tell him that! He's—"
"Right there," Caitlin whispered frantically, gesturing with her eyes and scratching nervously behind her ear.
Felicity turned her head in the direction Caitlin was looking and sure enough…not four feet away, stood Oliver. In all his broody, muscly, beautiful glory. He was even more gorgeous close up. She hadn't thought she'd forgotten, but…her memory didn't do him justice. Her mouth went dry and her heart sped up.
"Hey, Ollie," Sara called. "Look what we brought you! Merry Christmas! Happy Birthday! Don't say I never brought you nothin'."
Sara sent Felicity a challenging look, daring her to protest. Then Sara approached Oliver and patted him on the chest before closing her hand around Roy's arm and yanking him away. Apparently, she was intent on humiliating, then abandoning her. Had Felicity said she missed her? Definitely changing that conclusion.
Shado sent Felicity a meaningful look, before gliding away and disappearing to god knows where.
And then, in one final act of desertion, Caitlin whispered, "Good luck," before kissing Felicity on the cheek and following the rest.
Then they were gone.
All of them.
Even Lyla was nowhere to be seen. Her entourage. Her shields. Vanished into the house. The whole match-making, busy-body lot of them. Did they really think they were helping by leaving them alone together?
Because now it was just Felicity and Oliver. And she still had no idea what to do or say.
Dear god. What now?
Author's Notes:
Additional pictures and inspiration for this chapteron my Tumblr: Emmilynestill.
Thanks to my wonderful Betas, fairytalehearts and ireland1733. I know it's a cliffhanger on top of all the angst, but there are bright spots coming.
This is the first time I've written a lot of these characters and at least a decade since I've tried to juggle so many in one scene. They were a lot of fun to write and I really hope I'm doing these amazing characters' justice.
Don't forget to let me know what you thought. You can also visit me on Tumblr at
Thanks for reading.
Emmy