Author's Note:

This chapter comes with a warning for discussion of infertility and loss and for very heavy feels. I think you all are going to love this chapter until…well, the cliffhanger is BRUTAL (and, yes, those all caps were necessary). God, knows I love my cliffhangers, but this is the first one that comes with a warning.

For "Previously on..." chapter summaries to remind yourself what happened go here.

Happy reading!

To Sacrifice the Sun

Chapter Sixteen

September 18, 2016
15:10
The Antechamber

It wasn't a gentle kiss.

It wasn't tentative as Felicity had imagined it would be after…everything. With both of them so unsure and…

It was hard and rough and passionate. Possessive. It was all teeth and lips and tongues. Pain and pleasure. Relief and…release.

It was everything.

Almost too much and not nearly enough. Never enough.

It wasn't what Felicity had thought it would be. How could she have fathomed…this? This was beyond even her rather vivid imagination. Beyond fantasy. Beyond anything she had ever experienced.

Her heart was pounding and she couldn't breathe. Felicity was drowning and she never wanted to stop.

Felicity had put a lot of thought into what their first kiss, after so long, might be like. Their second first kiss.

During their long bike trip to the Doo, while Oliver was, apparently, remembering every bad thing that had happened in the last five years, Felicity was imagining kissing him in a hundred different ways. All the ways she had missed out on during those five years, three months, and upteen days.

It hadn't prepare her for this.

It all happened so fast. It took Felicity's brain awhile to catch up with the rest of her, to process what was happening. Where she was. What she was doing. What he was doing.

One minute they were yelling at each other. The next they were wrapped together, devouring each other. Oliver opening her lips...there wasn't any prying involved. Maybe Felicity had opened to him intuitively. Or maybe he'd just caught her gasp.

Maybe it didn't matter in the slightest.

What mattered was that Oliver had lifted her, one large hand curled under her scantily clad ass (and, god, the decision to leave off her shorts was one of her best) and pressed her against the limestone wall. Felicity didn't hesitate, hopping up and winding her legs around his slim hips.

It was instinct. A motion that was written into her muscles and bones. So visceral that she didn't even realize she had done it until she was off the ground, only the limestone and Oliver's strong hands holding her up.

With his other hand, Oliver cradled Felicity's head, angling it, pulling her closer and, at the same time, protecting her from the hard stone behind her.

Wasn't that just Oliver in a nutshell? Leading her into danger while protecting her with everything he had.

Except Felicity wasn't allergic to Oliver the way she was nutshells, which…thank goodness, since his tongue was tangled with hers and his lips were pressed so tightly against her own that they would likely ache tomorrow, swollen and bruised, the corners stinging and raw. But that was okay. It would be a good kind of hurt. The kind Felicity would relish, touching the abused flesh gingerly with her fingertip and smiling at the memory.

That was, if this didn't all blow up in Felicity's face after she told Oliver the truth.

No. She would still cherish the memory. Even if everything fell apart.

But Felicity wasn't going to think about that now. She refused to ruin this moment. This perfect incredible moment.

It was everything Felicity had been missing from her life. She was going to savor Oliver's taste and smell and the feel of his hair between her fingers and the warmth of his tongue.

And if this was the last time Felicity would experience this, then she was going to cherish every second.

God, Felicity was going to do everything she possibly could to make sure this wasn't their last time. Desperation surged at the mere thought and she pulled him still closer.

She needed this. Oliver. She needed Oliver. Felicity couldn't…she needed to fix this so she…they could keep having this. Forever.

Because this…how this felt, the incredible rightness, it couldn't just be her. And the way Oliver held her, Felicity knew he felt it too.

And it wasn't something that could or should be thrown away. It was too rare.

God, she'd been so stupid. How could she have been so stupid? She had thrown this all away all those years ago. It was perfect and wonderful and pure and she hadn't understood. Felicity had thought she was doing it for Oliver but…it was the stupidest thing she had ever done.

Being back in Oliver's arms now, feeling like she belonged…it was something she hadn't dared allow herself to contemplate in so long. She knew why too. Because if she had, she would never have been able to stop thinking about it. And with Oliver stuck in Russia, thinking about it…it would have driven her insane. Irreversibly insane.

But he was here now. Finally. Oliver was in her arms. And this was right. This was how it was supposed to be.

Even though it was hard to keep up with Oliver's passion, with the intensity of his kiss. Which was really saying something, because Felicity had a lot of pent up passion and intensity. Like a lot a lot.

But, somehow, Felicity had managed to push Oliver too far. She had wanted him to lose control and he had. And now, the kiss was…all consuming. Overwhelming, even. Increasingly so. As it went on and on and on…

They had both been wound so tight over the last couple days and now that they had let that spring go…it was…flying. Uncontrollable. It was a crash. An explosion. And Felicity was so incredibly glad that it was.

One might have interpreted the kiss as punishing even. And maybe Oliver needed to punish her a little. God knew, there was plenty for him to want to punish her for…but there was adoration in this kiss as well. Care. Felicity could feel it in her bones and it made her feel alive again.

Oliver was exploring every inch of Felicity's mouth in a way that made her feel treasured, like nothing else ever had. It also made her so very glad she had taken the time to brush her teeth.

She just really hoped Oliver was enjoying this as much as she was. He certainly seemed to. It was staggering how much. And maybe Felicity was even glad she had gotten naked in the middle of the goddamn jungle. Because she could feel him. Hard and throbbing against her.

How long had Oliver been like that? Their sturdy cargo shorts were excellent at hiding all sorts of sins. Had he been hard since he'd seen Felicity in the rain?

Was that why Oliver had been so short with her? So irrational? Had he been driven to the edge with desire…need?

God, Felicity hoped so.

That hadn't been her intention when she stripped naked in the jungle. Not consciously, anyway. But, god, Felicity was certainly happy with the result.

Because now it was clear (crystal clear, like the feel of stubble against her chin and the firm pressure of his nose against her cheek and his fingers massaging her scalp…clear) that what had felt, at the time, like hatred and disgust had been hurt and…the most intense sexual tension known to man (or woman).

One sharp well-placed hit and the bomb of UST exploded…

Not that they had exploded. Yet.

It wasn't going to take much more though. What with the way they were rocking and rubbing against each other, Oliver's fabric covered cock pressed tightly against Felicity's panty covered core and…

Wow, Felicity really hadn't even made the conscious decision to start grinding against him like this. Like a sex starved animal. Which was what she was. Sex-starved. Love-starved. Oliver-starved.

God, Felicity wanted him in every possible way. Now and forever. Always and forever.

For a moment, Felicity moved beyond the awe and the rightness and the shock of this was actually happening and realized just how aroused she was. How close she was to exploding right then and there in Oliver's arms. All she'd have to do was let go…

But Felicity didn't want that. Not without Oliver inside her. After all this time, it had to be together or not at all.

Felicity's eyes burned and her throat itched and the tears that had stopped the moment Oliver had taken her in his arms crept back ad she pulled him closer. She wasn't sure there was a closer to get, not without getting rid of these clothes and pulling him inside her but…well, she tried anyway.

It wasn't enough though. Felicity wanted so badly to make love with him.

But she couldn't.

Not until Oliver knew everything. And could make a decision based on…well, based on the truth. If Felicity let him make love to her and then told him…

She couldn't do that to him. To herself. Because if Oliver left her then…

Oh, who was Felicity kidding? It would devastate her no matter how, or when, he left. Her only hope was to keep it from happening all together.

But Felicity was tempted. Tempted to get one last taste. One last time. Just in case Oliver walked away forever.

But that wouldn't be fair. And if they were going to start over (please, god) then Felicity needed to start how she wanted to continue, how they needed to continue. With complete honestly and trust.

So, instead, Felicity touched every inch of him, everything she could reach, anyway. Relearning him. Memorizing him. Not that she had forgotten a thing. It was amazing how little she had forgotten, really. Even things she thought she had, came back in a rush.

But there were things that were different and Felicity wanted to know every new scar, every change. Completely. Intimately. She wanted to trace every detail of the new tattoo on his chest. Explore how his shoulders were broader. His muscles more well-defined. It made her wonder if Oliver had been eating enough and…

God, Felicity had missed him. So much she couldn't even fully comprehend it. She wanted to take care of him, to love him, to never stop.

Her hands were frantic as they ran through his short(er) hair, traced his features, as she ran her thumbs along the edge of Oliver's soft stubble. Felicity splayed her palm across the nape of his neck so she could feel the play of muscles under his skin as he put his whole self into the kiss. The kiss that just kept going. That she couldn't bring herself to end. Or even want to end.

Just the thought of it made Felicity suck hard on Oliver's tongue and arch closer, until her breasts were almost flat against his chest, her nipples pebbled between them. She pulled at him with a desperate hand on his shoulder. His beautiful powerful shoulder. She wanted to run her lips over every inch of him…

Later.

Please, god, let there be a later.

Then, without warning, the kiss softened, became gentler and, suddenly, it felt like Oliver was drinking her up, savoring every touch and…the tears that Felicity had barely been holding back broke free.

Oliver caught some with his thumb, but others made their way down Felicity's cheeks to mingle in their kiss, the taste of salt shared as it washed over their tongues.

This was more of what Felicity had imagined their second first kiss would be. Slow and careful. Sweet. A relearning.

Felicity was almost certain this was how it would have happened if they had kissed in the Temple of the Sun. If her stupid panic attack hadn't ruined everything.

And now, after the revelations Oliver made…Felicity realized that that panic attack, along with the run on the beach, every little thing that could have been taken as rejection, had been taken as rejection.

Unintentionally, Felicity had been turning Oliver inside out since the first moment they had set eyes on each other again. The poor man, he had already been so confused and hurt by her behavior. Every signal she had given, they must have baffled him. It made her sick to think of what Oliver had been going through.

Felicity poured all her acceptance and her love into this kiss. Because even if it had gentled, the passion, the intensity hadn't dimmed in the slightest. She tried, tried so hard to make it very, very clear just how not rejected Oliver was.

He pulled back with one last nipping kiss to her lower lip. And, for the first time since Oliver had touched her, Felicity she felt that ugly panic. Because…no no no…she wasn't ready for it to end. Wasn't ready to let go and…talk. To risk it all.

Just one more minute….one more….

Felicity chased his lips, but she couldn't catch more than one more sweet nip. Once she realized that was all she was going to get, she tried to meet Oliver's eyes, she really did, but in that moment all she could do was curl her fingers into the muscles of his back and shoulders and squeeze her eyes shut, praying for control.

"You're crying," Oliver whispered against her lips, panting softly. His forehead pressed into hers and she knew her glasses were biting into his skin, but he didn't seem to care and she couldn't bring herself to do anything about it. She couldn't bear any extra distance and she wanted to see his eyes, his everything…

"I missed you," were the words that popped out of her mouth. They were beyond inadequate, but Felicity hoped the emotion behind them carried.

Felicity thought they did, because when she was finally able to pry her eyes open, Oliver's expression was vulnerable, unguarded, and so very loving.

Her breath caught and Oliver asked, his voice raspy, "Did you mean…? When you said you never broke your promise…?"

"That I still love you?" Felicity gave a teary, self-deprecating laugh. There was no holding back now, was there? Why would she? "That I've always loved you? That I never stopped? That I don't think I could ever stop?" Her voice cracked, tears falling freely now. "Yeah, that's what I meant."

"Fe-li-ci-ty…" Oliver said her name softly, barely a breath, like prayer. And, as if he was letting her words wash over him, his eyes slipped closed and Felicity could feel his muscles unwind one by one as he melted into her.

It brought emotion bubbling up inside of her, the need to reassure, to give him…everything. The tears came even faster and Felicity babbled, "I love you. Just in case that wasn't clear enough. I love you. I always have. I've never lied to you about that or anything…except that one time about your birthday present, but that really doesn't count…"

A laugh rumbled through Oliver's chest, vibrating against her. "No, it doesn't." His voice sounded as watery as hers.

"I think I'll love you forever…" This was one of those times Felicity didn't think she could stop talking if she tried. She didn't try. "Even if you don't want me—"

Oliver's sound of distress was muffled and distorted by his lips again pressing to hers. Over and over. He cupped Felicity's chin and drank at her lips.

It wasn't as deep and passionate…no, that was wrong. It was just as passionate, just in a different way. There was a depth of emotion in Oliver's kiss that took Felicity's breath away.

Oliver's shoulders shook beneath her palms with barely controlled sobs and Felicity swore that some of the tears she tasted were his. She stroked his back, trying to soothe him. Her own tears were completely unchecked now.

When he pulled back, Oliver's breath hitched and Felicity could feel him trembling as he asked, "Then why, Felicity?" A sob broke through and it tore into her. "Why did you leave? I've been over it from every angle and I don't—"

"You couldn't." How could he, without all the information? "Oh Oliver, I'm so sorry." Felicity stroked his jaw. That was trembling as well. As was her hand. What a pair they were. "You were…are missing a huge piece of the puzzle. I made sure of that and I'm…I'm so so sorry."

Oliver's brow furrowed and he shook his head, confusion settling over his face, though his grip on her didn't loosen. It, somehow, stayed both gentle and firm. "Then…why? I need to know."

God, had Oliver ever let himself be this vulnerable before? It was painful to watch. He was giving her too much power over him. Felicity didn't know if she had the strength to bear it. She was certain she didn't deserve it.

"Felicity, please. I need—"

Pressing her thumbs over his lips, Felicity stopped the flow of words. She couldn't take it. "Okay. Okay…" She nodded and it felt wobbly and uncoordinated.

But it was time. Felicity knew it was time.

That didn't stop her from being terrified, though.

"I'll tell you. I just…"

Felicity took a deep breath. She was still wrapped in his arms, pressed between Oliver and the wall. And it was wonderful. But she was never going to be able to say what she had to say without…space.

Space. It was the last thing in the world she wanted. Felicity wanted to stay this close to Oliver indefinitely. But the words would never come out the way she needed them to like this. She couldn't think clearly enough. And he needed to hear them. Now. It couldn't wait any longer.

Still…Felicity couldn't bring herself to ask him. To put her down. Instead, she looked pointedly down at their bodies and bit her lip. Somehow, Oliver understood her wordless communication, proving he still knew her better than anyone.

Oliver stepped back, allowing her legs to slide to the floor as his hand fell to her waist. Which was really a good thing, both because a complete loss of touch at that moment would have been awful and because Felicity's legs were like jelly. Wow, how long had they been kissing like that?

A giddy sort of elation bubbled up inside her at the thought. It gave her strength, but it didn't last. Felicity looked up at Oliver and knowing what she had to do now…she took in a lungful of air and…

God, she was scared.

Without thinking, Felicity stepped back into him, her arms curling around Oliver's waist as she buried her face in his chest, breathing him in, trying to control her trembling. She needed this.

Just one more minute. For courage.

Oliver hugged her back just as tightly, bending over her and burying his face in the space between her shoulder and neck. Felicity wondered if he knew he was breathing life into her.

How come she hadn't realized that all this time she was only half-alive? Without this, without Oliver, Felicity was just going through the motions.

What was she going to do if…?

No.

No. Felicity was done asking that. She was going to have to fight for it. For them. That was the only answer. She had to fight like hell to get Oliver to understand, to get him to forgive her. She would do whatever necessary.

Okay, now Felicity had moved past trembling to shaking. That and crying was all she seemed to be able to do. Though, what did she expect, all things considered? Felicity took two large, deep breaths, inhaling as much of Oliver's scent as she could, before she forced herself to pull out of his embrace.

This was so hard.

As soon as she had her limbs to herself again, Felicity started to wring her hands. A habit she had picked up from Caitlin but, at the moment, it seemed to be the only way to keep her hands to herself. And to not run and hide.

It was now or never. Felicity met Oliver's eyes and they were so loving, so accepting…but, really, it was the fear she saw lingering just beyond the surface that that got her to start talking.

"Okay, so…uh, you should know that I've only said this out loud once."

Because, for some reason, it was really important to Felicity to adjust Oliver's expectations for this conversation, to make sure he knew how hard this was for her, before she started to babble like an idiot and go off on tangents.

"To Caitlin and that was…well, I didn't even tell her until I found out you were leaving for Russia, when I was so upset I…I just needed help, someone to…give me some sort of guidance—"

"And she told you to tell me." Oliver whispered it.

Was he upset it had taken a conversation with Cait for Felicity to come to that conclusion? And that even then, it was too late? It was hard to read Oliver's expression. Not because it was shuttered or shut down like before, but because there were so much there. On his face. In his eyes.

"Yeah." Felicity's breath hitched just from looking at him. But she had already told him this part so if she couldn't talk about this, they were screwed. "I hadn't expected…I was so upset at the idea of you taking the Bratva mission, I would have done anything to stop it. You have to believe that was the last thing I wanted for you."

Felicity had no idea why him knowing that was so important to her, but it was. Maybe because if Oliver didn't believe she had been, at least, trying to do all of this out of love there was no hope of him forgiving her.

"I believe you. I…" Oliver's eyes slipped closed for a moment and his tongue peaked out to wet his lips as he shook his head. "I don't understand, but I…I believe you."

And, somehow, that faith…it almost started the tears again. Felicity ran her palms over her eyes and down her cheeks, brushing away the last remnants of wetness, rubbing away the burn. She had no doubt that she would be crying again before the end, might as well start with a clean slate.

"I'm only telling you this because I want you to understand how…why…" What was she trying to say? Felicity was losing track. "That it's really hard for me to talk about, so if it comes out all weird and halting and babbling, it's not that I'm avoiding telling you or—"

That finally earned Felicity a small smile and Oliver reached out to grab one of her wildly flapping hands. "I understand. I'm only the second person you've told," he repeated quietly, in a tone that told her she had, at least, succeeded in letting him know how hard this was. "But, Felicity, I think I'm used to the babbles by now."

The look he gave her gave her hope. And made Felicity smile and Oliver smiled back and for a moment things were wonderful again.

If only she didn't have to keep going.

"I should have told you right away." Felicity, briefly, squeezed her eyes closed and his hand tight. "You should have been the first and not the…well, third, I guess. I forgot. I also told that therapist they made me see after Tikal, but only after you left for Russia and I was so devastated…"

Oliver's face fell. Frak, why had she said that? Felicity didn't know how to take it back so she kept babbling, saying nothing important, "I fired her, eventually. Maybe I shouldn't have—"

Felicity broke off when Oliver let out a string of curses. He let go of her hand in favor of running his hands over his face and tugging at his hair. "I shouldn't have gone. I should have—"

"No!"

If Oliver was already blaming himself, they were in trouble. Felicity lurched forward, so quickly she almost tripped. Her hands landed on her chest and she looked up at him, trying to express how important this was.

"No. This is a rule. If I tell you this, you need to promise me that you won't blame yourself."

Oliver looked away, letting out a little huff as he shook his head. She knew what she was asking was a lot for him. "Fe-li-ci-ty—"

"I'm serious. This is what kept me from telling you back at the Beach House." Among other things. Like crippling fear and anxiety. "The worry that you would blame yourself and I can't…I can't add to that, Oliver. I can't. I've already caused you too much hurt..."

Felicity might have been getting a tad hysterical, because Oliver placed his hands over hers, where they were lying on his chest, and squeezed, saying, "Okay. Okay," in a worried, placating way. Like he was trying to calm a mental patient. It was appropriate.

But it wasn't like Felicity could stop now. "It's not your fault. None of it's your fault. It was all me and, well…okay, maybe not all me. But there was no part that was you and I can't have you twisting it—"

"Shhh. Okay. Okay. I…" Oliver took a deep breath, his face becoming solemn. "I'll try my best, Felicity. That's all I can promise."

Felicity's lower lip started to tremble. She bit it to get it to stop. It wasn't enough. She wanted a guarantee, goddammit! But, at the same time, she knew so few things in life came with guarantees and, knowing Oliver as she did, she knew this was him trying, being honest. He only had so much control over how he felt. God knew, if she could control how she felt…well, life would be very different.

She searched his face. Then, finally, Felicity nodded. Oliver was as open to this as he was going to get.

"Well…" Felicity drew herself up tall. "When you start to go down that road, that well-worn, Oliver-Queen-is-responsible-for-everything-that-ever-went-wrong-with-the-world road…just remember what I said. That no part of this is your fault. It was my stupid decision and…Shadowspire and Reiter and maybe even stupid fate, but not you."

"Reiter? What did he do?" Oliver's demeanor changed. Instantaneously. His back went rigid and his eyes hardened. He was back in protection mode. Looking for someone to fight. Too bad everyone responsible was long dead. It was a battle they had already won.

Yup. There had never been a more hollow victory.

Felicity swallowed. "I'm getting to that part."

She hadn't realized she had started pacing until Oliver grabbed her arm, stopping her. "Maybe, we should sit down," he offered gently, but Felicity could still see the hardness lingering in his eyes.

Maybe that was a good thing. Maybe it would give Oliver some measure of control. One of them should be in control. Of something.

Felicity nodded, though she really wasn't sure she could sit still. Then again, if she kept this up, she'd probably make them both dizzy.

Oliver led her over to the bedroll and sat down cross-legged on top, gently tugging on her hand until Felicity sat across from him. She started to mirror his position, then realized she wasn't wearing pants. Or shorts. Or much of anything. An idea that seemed really stupid right then. She tucked her feet under her, pulling nervously at the hem of her t-shirt. Felicity almost jumped when she felt Oliver's hand on hers.

"Where is the woman who brazenly strutted around the jungle buck naked?" Oliver teased.

Felicity wrinkled her nose, feeling her cheeks heat up. She glanced at Oliver through her lashes but couldn't hold his gaze. "Righteous fury can make a girl bold."

Oliver chuckled, but his eyes were apologetic. "Sorry about…pushing you away, I mean. It wasn't that I didn't want to be you around you…" He gave a self-deprecating snort. "Actually, it was that I wanted to be around you, to touch you, too much and I…I spent 9 hours on a bike, with you pressed behind me, convincing myself that you couldn't possibly want the same thing—"

"That is so not true—"

"I know…" Oliver reached out and cupped her cheek. "I know that now, but I…" Letting out a nervous breath, he leaned forward and kissed her, slow and lingering, and Felicity was just about ready to give up on this silly talking thing, when he pulled back and said, "It would really, really help if I knew why you left."

Of course, it would.

Or maybe not, depending at how he took the news.

Oliver sat back and Felicity nodded, her eyes fixating on his fingers as her nervous fingertips ran over the back of his hand. Finally, she confessed, "I don't know where to start."

"I find the beginning is always a good choice." Oliver's voice was soft and husky, warm.

He turned his hand over as he said it. Felicity wasn't sure if it was an invitation, but she took as such, fitting her palm to Oliver's and watching in an almost amazed fascination as their fingers laced together. Everything was fitting back together.

Frak, she couldn't mess this up now.

Swallowing, Felicity nodded again. At least her neck muscles seemed to work, since her voice wouldn't. She snuck another peek at Oliver and the encouraging look in his eyes…and the words came, "So, okay, first off, I want to make sure you understand that I meant everything I said that last night before Tikal."

That was the beginning, right? Felicity felt like she needed to go back before Tikal. It felt wrong to start with that night. Too abrupt. Too harsh.

"I had every intention of moving in with you after…" Felicity's voice broke and a tear slipped free. Crap, if she couldn't get past this part without weeping, she was really in trouble.

Oliver reached out with his free hand and caught the tear. "I understand. Now."

She had to keep going. She couldn't afford to pause now. She needed momentum, goddamn it. Felicity met Oliver's gaze and it felt a little bit like she was drowning. "It was one of the best nights of my life. Truly." Her voice was a wreck, but she supposed she should just be glad her words were comprehensible.

"Mine too." Oliver's voice was just as wrecked. Felicity wasn't sure if that made her feel better or worse. "That's why I couldn't under—"

"I know. I know." Maybe this wasn't the best place to start. "I just…okay, you said to start at the beginning, but that was before the beginning. I mean, nothing had happened yet…god, I'm not even making sense, but I started here to say that it hadn't started yet, that I hadn't lied. I—"

Oliver smiled through the anxiety that was evident on his face, squeezing her hand. "It's okay. I'm following. I think."

Felicity nodded. It was a bit wobbly, but she felt she needed to acknowledge his reassurance as she kept going, "And I hadn't kept any secrets either. I…I know you think I kept my premonition from you…if it even was a premonition. But it wasn't a conscious decision to keep it from you. At that point, I just thought it was, I dunno, worry, paranoia…fear. And you knew…didn't you know—?"

"I did. I knew you were afraid."

God, it sounded like the two of them had swallowed a hand full of sand. "It never occurred to me that I was even withholding anything. Not then. I just wanted to…to hold onto everything good in that moment and never let go." Was this even important? Was Felicity just talking about this so she could avoid the truly painful parts for as long as she could?

"Yeah. Me, too." Oliver squeezed her hand and when Felicity met his eyes…she got lost for a moment, forgetting everything but…but then he prompted, "So when…?"

Oliver must be so tired of her not getting to the point.

"At the hospital," Felicity blurted out. Was it okay to just say it like that? Was there any other way to say it? Of course, there was. If she wasn't a complete spaz. "Well, that's where I found out…no, I guess, that was where it happened…"

"Felicity?"

At his tone, sharper this time, Felicity's eyes flew back to his face. Oliver was scared. He was holding his breath. Frak.

Gulping through a too tight throat, Felicity gathered her strength. "There were complications, Oliver."

Oliver sat back, his hand not completely withdrawing, but only their fingers were touching now. Felicity could see the wheels turning, the connections being made. She held her breath.

"From…from the gunshot wound?"

Yup, and…Oliver already sounded devastated. This was going to be bad.

"Yes." Then Felicity nodded, because she wasn't entirely sure that was audible.

"But..." Oliver was shaking his head, almost like he could make it not be true by denying it. "No one said anything. The doctors…Shado—"

"I…" Shado. Poor Shado, who had wanted so badly to tell Oliver everything. "It happened while I was in surgery. I think you were…"

"Knocked out." Oliver's jaw hardened. "Because I couldn't fucking control myself," he trailed off as his eyes found a spot that was away.

And here they go...

Felicity grabbed his other hand, squeezing hard. "Hey, remember, not your fault."

Lips thinning, Oliver met her gaze and held it. Finally, he gave her a sharp nod, though he looked far from convinced. The man could find a way to blame himself for anything. He probably blamed himself for the hurricane…

Though Oliver had blown up those tombs…

So not the point. Felicity's brain was still trying to avoid the final bombshell. But this was it. There was no going back now.

"You were…sleeping after being very understandably upset and…" Felicity laughed. A crazy person's laugh. She couldn't help it. "The irony of the whole thing was that Shado hadn't wanted to tell me until you had woken up. She wanted to tell us together."

Would that have changed anything? Everything? If Felicity had trusted Shado's judgment and waited? Probably…

Oliver's hands squeezed hers and he leaned forward. Felicity had to keep going before she lost her nerve. There was no one here to tell him but her.

"I made her tell me. I…I quoted woman's lib and brow-beat her and…well, Shado told me everything. Against her better judgment. I'm quite sure she regrets it too." Felicity could tell Oliver wanted to say something, but he didn't. Probably knew his best chance at getting the whole story was just to let her run-away tongue go. "She told me about Ronnie, Slade's eye…Sara was still in surgery and Digg just out and I…"

Felicity sucked in a breath and squeezed her eyes tightly shut. She couldn't finish and look at Oliver at the same time. "When Shado told me about my…I wouldn't let her tell you…or anyone…" She opened her eyes. Suddenly, intent at making sure Shado didn't take any of the blame for this mess. "I evoked doctor-patient confidentiality. She was so upset about it…but I had my records sealed…I didn't want anyone to know."

"But…why?" Oliver sounded so confused. Confused and afraid and…betrayed. Hurt. So hurt. She was still holding his hands, but…he had stopped holding hers.

God, Felicity hated this.

"I…" Oliver's voice sounded so raw. "I could have helped…I could have…why wouldn't you want me to—?"

"Oh Oliver, I did. I did want you." Felicity could tell that Oliver didn't quite believe her and if her heart wasn't already shattered in a million pieces…she pulled a hand back to rub her face. "I really don't expect you to understand why I did what I did. Sometimes, I don't understand myself, but I was in pain…physically, mentally. I was devastated by all of it…"

The look on Oliver's face kept getting worse, so Felicity sped up her words, trying to get it all out. At this point, the longer it took the worse it would be. "The thing is…I felt like I would never be happy again. That Cait and Ronnie, their happiness had been destroyed and all I could think was that I could still save you. That you could still have a happy future."

Oliver lurched back, withdrawing so that he wasn't touching her at all now. "You thought…how could you think that?"

It was an accusation and…

Great, this wasn't even the bad part. This was the part where Felicity softened the blow for the really bad part.

Rubbing her forehead (her head was starting to pound) Felicity fought tears and murmured, "Like I said, I was stupid." Because that was the only excuse she had left. The more she was face to face with Oliver, the more her reasoning and choices seemed incredibly misguided.

"But…but what complications? I still don't understand. What condition? You're fine." Oliver's voice was getting progressively closer to hysteria as he gestured to her. His eyes swept her body, the fear in them not even a little hidden. "You're healthy. They wouldn't have put you back in the field if you weren't healthy?"

Felicity scoffed, fighting the urge to dissolve into ugly laughter.

"Fe-li-ci-ty…it resolved, right? You're fine?" And if the intensity in Oliver's voice could make it so, surely it would.

Blowing out a breath…suddenly, Felicity just felt sad. So, so sad. Maybe even a little defeated. "Oliver…" She gathered the last of her strength. "I am. Healthy. I guess. But the condition…that's permanent."

Oliver reeled back as if she had punched him. "I don't understand." He practically lurched to his feet, pacing away from her, then back again. "What condition?"

Felicity pushed herself to her feet as well. She couldn't do this with Oliver towering over her, pacing like a caged animal. His hands clenching and unclenching. The tears started again in earnest and she didn't even bother to fight them this time.

And the pacing was making her really, really tense. Felicity put up her hands, just trying… "Can you just…this is really hard to say, Oliver. I—"

Oliver turned and grabbed her hands so fast that it made Felicity dizzy. "Look, you can tell me. Whatever this is, we can get through it. Together."

The intensity in Oliver's voice, the conviction, it was impossible not to believe him. But Felicity also knew that he thought she had some sort of health problem. Maybe even something life-threatening. He had no idea…fuck, she just needed to spit it out.

If the tears hadn't already been falling, they certainly would be now. Felicity gripped his hands like a lifeline and squeezed her eyes shut. "Oliver…I'm just going to blurt it out. Oliver, they had to give me a hysterectomy."

There was no discernible response so Felicity cracked her eyes open…and saw only confusion on Oliver's face. Frak…frantic now, she burst out, "They took out all the parts…the organs…I can't have a baby, Oliver. Ever."

And for a moment, after Felicity said it, it felt terribly anti-climactic. Because she knew Oliver thought she was…dying or something. And here it was just that she couldn't…? Was it really that important…?

But then, Felicity met Oliver's eyes, took in his shocked face, saw him drop her hands and take three steps backward, shaking his head. Denying it.

Felicity had been right all along. This was devastating for him.

"But…surely, there's a way…" Oliver murmured, denial already starting to kick in.

A part of Felicity had…had really hoped Oliver he would just…she didn't know…tell her she had been silly for being so worried. Tell her it wasn't important to him that she couldn't have a baby. But the look on his face…

It really was important to him.

"This isn't a…it will be hard to get pregnant but there's a procedure thing," Felicity's words came out bitter this time, hard. She swiped at her eyes. She was trying really, really hard not to be angry at him for being upset. "I don't have the necessary parts, Oliver. They cut me open and they took them out, without my consent, and now they're gone."

Felicity knew that wasn't fair. She would have died if they hadn't done what they did but…she clutched at her stomach. It was almost like she could feel the emptiness. The phantom pains.

But Oliver wasn't even looking at her at this point. His eyes were fixated on some distant place. His face…destroyed.

"I don't…Felicity…" Oliver's voice was so small and so lost. Then he turned his eyes to hers and they were filled with tears, but they were also…accusing. "That's why? All of this…all the pain, because you can't have children?"

Okay…that was…well, not exactly a 180, but Felicity was just getting used to him being devastated by the loss and...now Oliver was angry that it was the reason she left him?

Both were valid feelings. Felicity just didn't know if she could handle them both at once. Especially at this intensity.

"Yes." It was a whisper. A soft croak. Felicity didn't say it was stupid, because…looking at Oliver's face, it didn't feel stupid. At all.

And Felicity realized, even with all her insistence that she had done this to let Oliver be happy, she had also done it…

Out of fear.

The fear Oliver would eventually leave her because of it. The way her father had left. That Oliver wouldn't want her anymore, now that Felicity wasn't…whole.

And looking at his face. Seeing the way Oliver wouldn't touch her. That fear felt anything but stupid.

"But, surely…" Finally, Oliver turned and met Felicity's eyes. "Did you think I would have left you because of that?"

It was as if Oliver read her mind. Felicity almost laughed because it was so spot on, but instead she babbled, "No, I…" Was she lying? "Not right away." But maybe that was admitting too much. She was feeling the need to pull back. Protect herself. "I mean, I knew you would stay, be supportive, even if you would never be happy. If…I just thought by letting you go, you would have a chance at a normal happy life."

And never have a chance to leave her once he realized how unhappy he was.

"Me?!" Oliver was incredulous. Angry now. "I would have a chance at a normal happy life?!"

Okay…maybe, that wasn't as logical as it had seemed in her head.

"You said…you said you wouldn't stay in ARGUS without me," Felicity babbled, full on wringing her hands now, feeling defensive. And anxious. Really, really anxious. "You said you wanted to go home. So I thought, without me in your life…that's what you would do. Go home. Heal."

"I said," and, oh, wow, that was Oliver's loud voice and it made Felicity flinch, "that if Waller separated us, we should quit. It's not even remotely the same!"

Felicity opened her mouth, but she had no idea what to say to that. Oh god. She hadn't…why hadn't she…?

Oliver hands fell to his knees and he bent over, almost as if someone had sucker punched him. He squeezed his eyes shut, every muscle in his body tense. "Felicity, I…I don't know what to say, I…" He straightened, looking around like a caged animal, and announced, "I need to take a walk."

Then Felicity watched in shock as Oliver turned around and…left.

Just left.

It took a minute for her to fully comprehend it. Then the pain washed over her in a tidal wave and…

Felicity couldn't stand anymore and she collapsed from the force of her sobs.

Author's Notes:

So…you can't say I didn't warn you.

And, yes, this was planned this way from the beginning. Felicity needs to sit with this pain, the consequences of her choices. You all get to take the journey with her. The next chapter is, again, very intense, but it is also over the top romantic (hopefully not too much).

I'm braced (and insanely excited) for the comments. (Biting my nails and all) Lay it on me!

Happy Reading,

Emmy