Author's Note:

This is a very emotional chapter and it carries with it my Wine and Kleenex Warning.

Warnings for very candid discussions about infertility and loss. Also for over the top romance that will never happen and could never happen in Arrow, the show. But that's why I love fanfiction.

To Sacrifice the Sun

Chapter Seventeen

September 18, 2016
15:53
The Antechamber

It wasn't the first time Oliver had walked away from Felicity.

In fact, Oliver had made it a habit over the last twenty-four hours. But this time…this time it hurt so goddamn much.

Maybe it was a cliché. Or maybe it sounded like something an over-dramatic teenager would say, but…it felt like someone was trying to wrench Felicity's heart straight out of her chest.

The pain was physical. Like a knife plunged deep and twisted.

For a moment (one crazy, hysterical moment), Felicity wondered if she could die from this. And for an even briefer moment…she wanted to.

Felicity wasn't usually prone to drama, but by now she knew…knew on a guttural level where the phrase 'broken heart' came from. How the emotional pain became physical. She'd thought she'd felt it before, had been feeling it for years but, somehow, this was worse.

One week ago, she couldn't have even imagined it could get worse. So that was another thing Felicity had been wrong about. The list was getting alarmingly long.

Then the pain released in a horrible, ugly sob and Felicity was certain that she sounded like a dying animal, but she could no more control it than…oh, what did it matter? There was no one to hear.

Felicity sobbed. Hunched over and huddled on the hard dusty floor, she sobbed.

She sobbed until her throat burned and her chest was sore and aching. Until her face was a snotty mess and her nose was so clogged that she couldn't breathe.

Was this the real reason she had kept her secret? Had Felicity been terrified of this moment? The moment that Oliver found out she wasn't whole any longer and left? Five years ago, he would have pretended he was okay with it. Now…he didn't have to.

It took a long time for the sobs to die down and, when they did, Felicity was pretty certain it was more from exhaustion than anything else. It was even longer before the pain dimmed enough for her thoughts to become anything resembling rational.

Caitlin had insisted Oliver wouldn't care. Shado had said the same. But Felicity had known better.

Oliver cared. It was obvious from the devastation Felicity had seen on his face just how much he cared.

Whether Oliver would still choose her, regardless of that…well, secretly, Felicity had always thought Caitlin and Shado were right. That he would have chosen to stay if she had told him the truth…even if, in the long run, he wouldn't have been happy.

And her rational mind believed…knew Oliver still cared for her. A lot. If he hadn't still had hope for a future together, he wouldn't be so shattered by the news of Felicity's infertility.

And he was shattered. His absence was proof of that.

But the more she ran it all through in her head, the more she thought…as upset as Oliver was by the news, Felicity wasn't alone right now because she was infertile. She was alone because of her actions.

It was much more likely that Oliver had left her so that he could process the enormity of what Felicity had done. To them. It was much more because of her choice than her condition.

And if Oliver had felt the way she felt now, five years ago…if he had had to deal with this pain without an explanation for all this time…

Felicity couldn't blame him for leaving. Not in the slightest.

The guilt of that was crushing. Because while she had brought this on by her actions, Oliver had not. These were her consequences. Felicity had thought that she was prepared for it.

Guess not.

Though, was this something someone could prepare for?

And now…

Now all Felicity could do was wait. Let Oliver walk and process and whatever. The ball was entirely in his court. It was his decision what to do with the information she'd given him, whether to allow her back in his life. Or not.

She owed Oliver that choice at least.

Felicity took a deep breath. She needed to use this time to pull herself together. Gather her resources for whatever came next. She had laid all her cards on the table. There was nothing left. Oliver had all the power and, maybe, that was as it should be.

And, when Oliver came back, and really…of course, he would come back. He wasn't going to abandon Felicity and the mission in the middle of the Lacandon jungle (even if he had brought his shirt). Then she would have to see if there was anything left to salvage. She still intended to fight for them but…

Felicity had to remember that Oliver had the right to pursue his own happiness. Even if that was without her.

She found a towel and a canteen and cleaned off her disgusting snotty face, taking great gulps of water until she felt almost human again. Felicity imagined that she was rather dehydrated after all that crying. She forced herself to eat a protein bar, even though it tasted like cardboard and stuck in her throat.

Then she brought the towel into the rain to clean it, because she only had one and she didn't want it caked with dried snot.

The rain had slowed to a drizzle, so it took a while. The winds were all but gone.

As soon as she had emerged into the daylight, Felicity's eyes darted around, instinctively searching the jungle for any sign of Oliver. He was nowhere in sight. She hadn't really expected him to be.

Once the towel was acceptably un-gunked, Felicity laid out the canteen to be refilled. It wouldn't be quick, but it made sense to do it now before the rain stopped completely.

The hurricane had passed and now they needed to deal with the wreckage.

It was a good thing really. Felicity was glad she didn't need to worry about Oliver being hit by a stray tree as he wandered the rainforest, emotionally compromised and alone.

Without comms.

Without a shirt even.

At least, he never took off his boots. Though…

Felicity hadn't seen Oliver grab his bow and quiver…

Oh god.

Felicity stumbled a little as she turned and scrambled back down the stairs. And…sure enough, there was Oliver's bow and quiver.

Frak. Frak. Frak!

Now Felicity's secrets were going to get Oliver killed!

Panic started to rise, but Felicity caught herself. Taking deep breaths, she closed her eyes and counted backward from 100.

It was going to be okay.

Oliver may not forgive her, may not want to be with her ever again, but he was going to be okay. Even without his weapons. He had survived on an island for two years. He was a trained ARGUS Special Ops Agent. One that had taken down the Bratva.

He would be back. He would be fine.

Physically, anyway.

Frak.

Felicity wished Oliver had his comms. Just in case.

But…maybe that was something she could fix.

Finding his broken watch and a bandanna, Felicity grabbed her tool kit and brought them half-way up the stairs so she could see out and watch for Oliver without the rain getting in to damage her work.

Then Felicity began the meticulous and soothing work of taking the watch apart into teeny tiny pieces.

Maybe this she'd even be able to put back together again.

September 18, 2016
17:09

The Antechamber

"Hey."

Oliver's soft murmur startled her and Felicity jerked her head up from her work. She was surprised to see the sun shining behind him. Just how long had she been sitting there, working and waiting?

"Hey," she returned. Her voice was horse, but that made sense since it was her first word (or pseudo word) since her enormous sobbing fit. Felicity cleared her throat and tried to ignore how her heart rate doubled at the mere sight of him.

But Oliver was back and talking to her. Alive and whole. Thank god.

And talking calmly. Not yelling. It was kind of a…miracle.

Hopefully.

Actually, Felicity didn't know what to make of Oliver's soft voice and calm (if tired) face. She had no idea if it was a good thing or a bad thing, but she was so grateful he was back. As long as he was safe, she could handle the rest.

Probably.

Maybe?

"You okay?" Felicity asked before she stopped to think.

Because…what a question? Stupidly simple when the situation was anything but. How could Oliver possibly be okay? Felicity knew she wasn't.

Oliver shrugged in a self-deprecating way, but he gave her a small half-smile that made Felicity's heart flip over. Because he had just smiled at her and that couldn't be a bad thing. Right?

Felicity swallowed and resisted the urge to press a hand to her chest to try and slow the pounding. Mostly because that wouldn't work. But, also, she didn't want to look like the star of a 1930s melodrama.

"What are you doing?" Oliver asked quietly, gesturing to Felicity's pile of wires and gears with his chin.

Were they doing small talk? God, Felicity hoped not. She couldn't even imagine going back to pretending to be colleagues and acquaintances. Not now. Not ever.

"Ummm…I, eh, was trying to get your comm to work, so you can…" Felicity held up his watch awkwardly. She hated being awkward. "I was worried. You were gone so long."

Did that sound accusatory? She didn't mean for it to sound accusatory. Even if it had terrified her how long he had been out there without a weapon.

Oliver wrinkled his nose. It was a gesture he had picked up from Felicity so long ago that it made her eyes burn. Then he confessed, "I, uhmm…I might have gotten a bit lost."

Felicity's mouth fell open. "Oliver!" The reprimand fell from her lips before she could stop it. Because, goddammit, that was really fraking terrifying.

Shrugging, Oliver had the grace to look sheepish at least. And, to be honest, he could have easily claimed Felicity had no right to worry, never mind reprimand him. So the fact that he did neither…so very grateful.

Instead, Oliver leaned over and tapped the watch Felicity was holding with his forefinger. "This would have helped."

And…Felicity found herself very much flustered. Oliver was standing close, looking relaxed and open and…it was so much more than she had hoped for. And not something she had prepared for.

Felicity gulped. "I…I…I, ummm…" Okay, now she was stuttering. Lovely. That was even worse than rambling. "The touch screen was shot. There's no way I could fix that." Tech. Tech was a safe subject. She understood tech, had something resembling competency in the subject. "Not here, anyway. Not without better supplies. But I rigged it so that if you press this button…"

Her hands trembled a little as she showed Oliver her work. Even if it was a safe topic, it felt so weird to be talking shop. Almost like Felicity was reading from a script. And not doing a very good job of it.

"You can…uh…turn on and off the comms. ARGUS is still offline, but you can at least communicate with me." Okay…back to feeling extra awkward. Felicity's script sucked. "Assuming you still want to communicate with me—"

"Felicity," Oliver said firmly, pulling her attention back to his face, her stupid flapping gums slamming shut. "I will always want to communicate with you."

Oh. Well. Didn't that…

That just made her breath catch. It was just…quite the declaration. Considering. Felicity's vision blurred and she tried really hard to smile, but even her lips seemed to be trembling.

"Speaking of which…" Oliver swallowed, his eyes skittering away for a second, almost shyly, which was just…ridiculous. It made Felicity wonder if she had fallen asleep and was dreaming. "We need to talk."

Yes. Of course. They needed to talk. Felicity knew that.

So why did she have the urge to run in the other direction?

Felicity managed to nod. And she tried to talk…she did, but all that came out was a squeaky, "Uh…kay."

She scrambled to pick up her tools and told herself…she needed to brave. She needed to let Oliver say whatever he needed to say. Then…then Felicity would figure out a way to fight for him. For them. She couldn't lose Oliver now. Not without doing everything she could.

Felicity handed Oliver his watch and he murmured a quiet, "Thank you," as he put it back on.

After a few moments of uncoordinated fumbling, Felicity gave up trying to put the tools back into their proper spots and just tied everything up in the bandana. When she looked up, Oliver was holding out his hand to help her stand. It made her heart skip a beat and she managed a tremulous smile as she took his hand and maybe squeezed it a little tighter than was strictly necessary.

But Oliver squeezed back and that was good. Very, very good.

Oliver led her into the middle of the room before letting go. Felicity had to restrain herself from lurching toward him, trying to snatch his fingers back, almost desperately.

Who was she kidding? It would have been very desperate. But that was exactly how Felicity felt right then. Desperate.

But, instead of giving in to it, she dropped her bundle into her bag, trying to compose herself before she turned back to Oliver. Felicity really didn't think it worked. And, look, she was wringing her hands again. That wasn't telling at all.

But Oliver didn't seem to notice. Or maybe he noticed, but he didn't care. He ignored it regardless.

He seemed to be battling his own nerves. But why should Oliver be nervous? Unless…he was trying to figure out a way to let Felicity off easy? The mere idea made her want to vomit.

Clearing his throat, Oliver began, "First off, I want to apologize—"

Felicity burst out laughing. It was rather deranged, actually. Which she was sure was making him want her back super badly. "You? What do you have to apologize for?!"

Oliver put a hand up to stop her. "For running out like that. I…" He blew out a breath. "It wasn't fair of me to leave that way but I…"

When Oliver met her gaze, his eyes…well, they were intense. So intense that it took every ounce of willpower Felicity had not to turn away.

"But you have to understand that this was a blow. That this is a loss for me too and I haven't had five years to process and…" He blew out a breath. "I don't know…'get use to' isn't the right phrase… 'mourn', maybe?" Oliver nodded, like he was finally satisfied with the word. "I haven't had a chance to mourn this."

Oliver's eyes were devastated, but Felicity barely had a chance to take that in because…his words…they felt like a punch. She hated how upset he was but…

It was about Felicity not being able to have a child. That was why Oliver ran out. More so than her keeping secrets.

It shouldn't be as much of a shock as it was but Felicity…she'd convinced herself…set her hopes on it being about the secret. Because this…god, this was so much worse. It…it put that horribly empty feeling back in her gut.

It made Felicity feel defective. Like she wasn't…enough for him.

Like she wasn't enough for anyone.

Like Felicity was being selfish for even trying to find love again. All the hope that had slowly been building inside her since Palenque started to drain away…

It left her cold and sick and empty.

But…maybe it also meant that there was hope for Oliver. Maybe, Felicity shouldn't be fighting for them. Maybe that was selfish. Maybe she just needed to go back to her very first plan.

And let him go.

Shield her heart.

Embrace the numbness that was creeping in with the cold. Get some closure.

Let Oliver go.

Trembling, Felicity somehow managed to say (before she lost the nerve), "Just because I can't have—"

"Stop!"

Oliver's voice was forceful enough that it not only made Felicity stop, but had her straightening up, jerking back.

"Stop right there. Because…" Oliver clenched his jaw and shook his head. "This is where you got everything wrong. And I…I thought I had walked off my anger, but…I think…I think I'm really pissed at you."

Okay…Felicity hadn't been prepared for Oliver to come right out and say it like that.

"You mean that I kept it from you?" Felicity asked in a small voice.

Honestly, she was having trouble keeping up, figuring out where he was going with this. Every time Oliver seemed to be going in one direction, he made a sharp right turn and it was making Felicity dizzy. The emotional roller-coaster was...she couldn't get a grip…couldn't hold on.

"Yes!" Oliver exclaimed, throwing his hands into the air. "That you kept it from me! But it's so much more than that! This was my loss too! I had a right to know!"

Now Felicity was just confused. All she could do was shake her head and repeat, "But you can still—"

"No!" And, this time, Oliver roared it. "This is what you are not getting, Felicity! You didn't just lose the ability to have your children. You lost the ability to have our children."

Just those two words…our children. They…they wiped everything Felicity was going to say clean out of her head. They wiped everything out of her head, except…

Felicity hand flew to cover her mouth, trying to hold back the sobs.

But Oliver was too upset to notice, or maybe to care, because he kept going, "Did you think I just wanted children for…what? To live the American Dream? To drive a mini-van and live in suburbia? Move to Starling, add a woman and mix…poof the perfect life? Like any woman would do?"

He ground to a halt and started at her and Felicity…she didn't know what to say.

Because…yeah, sort of. Not the any woman part…but the rest, yeah, that was exactly what she thought. But now that he said it out loud it sounded…not at all like Oliver. Ridiculous even.

Especially when Oliver was all red-faced and agitated, uncharacteristically open with his feelings and, just…really upset.

And also at the end of his rope because he started in again, yelling, "I never wanted any of those things until I wanted them with you, Felicity! It was about you. I wanted a life with you. I wanted children with you. No one else."

"That doesn't mean you can never—" Felicity croaked. Because that was before and this was…she didn't know but...her thoughts were a confused mess.

"Do you still not get it!?" And, now, Oliver was frustrated. Angry and hurt and frustrated and wild. "If you can't have children, then I can't have children, because I don't now and won't ever, want anyone's children but yours."

Felicity sucked in a painful breath, her heart stuttering. That couldn't possibly be true. Could it?

It was a struggle to hold Oliver's fiery blue gaze. But…Felicity couldn't look away for the world.

"So when you lost…that ability, so did I!" Oliver's voice shook and his eyes swam. "And we…we should have mourned that together!"

When Oliver finally stopped his…rant, his crazy...insane…beautiful rant, it took Felicity a full minute to pull it all together in her head and make sense of it. It was so different from everything she had been thinking.…

But when it all clicked into place…Felicity bent over with the force of the sob that tore from her throat.

Not only did this mean Felicity's massive stupidity was even more…wrong than she had ever imagined, it was just so…it was…

It was so ridiculously, over the top romantic…in an overwhelming and self-sacrificing way and if she didn't already love Oliver with everything that she had in her…it would almost be too much.

But for someone, anyone to feel that deeply for her, Felicity Smoak, it was unbelievable. It was overwhelming. It was…it was hard to breathe.

"Fuck. Felicity…"

Then Oliver was on his knees in front of her and his arms were around her and Felicity was crying harder (which she really hadn't thought possible), curled into herself on her knees…when had she fallen to her knees? Shouldn't that have hurt? The ground was very hard.

"Shhhh. Shhh. Fe-li-ci-ty…"

Oliver's cheek pressed against the top of her head and she would have sworn she felt wet seeping through her hair. Felicity reached out to curl her fingers into his shirt...then she remembered he wasn't wearing one. And something…something shattered…

Felicity let out another one of her awful dying animal sounds and uncurled herself. Launching herself at Oliver, she wrapped her arms around his neck as far as they would go and buried her snotty disgusting mess of a face in his neck, her mouth open and latching onto the skin of his shoulder like a leach.

It was too much and Felicity was sure it was inappropriate and she was taking this too far, but she couldn't control herself. She had none. No control. It was so so gone.

Felicity thought she lost him. Thought it five years ago and thought it every day after that. Then, just when she found hope, it was gone again. Just minutes ago she had been certain this was the final straw…

But Oliver was here and he was holding her and he had…

Oliver had just said…god, Felicity couldn't even put into words what he'd said…what he had expressed about the depth of his feelings for her and…

And Felicity felt that way too. About Oliver. God, she felt…so much for him. It was indescribable. She'd never been able to imagine that he felt the same.

But if Oliver's feelings really matched hers then…they had to work. They had to make this work. There was no other option.

She squeezed him tighter, held onto him until Oliver let out a rough noise that sounded like his own sob, only deeper and…he pulled Felicity onto his lap. Her legs fell on either side of his and he banded his arms across her back until one hand rested on her opposite hip and the other cupped her shoulder.

This time, Felicity was certain that those were tears dripping down her temple as Oliver rocked her, his chest heaving, just as hers was.

Felicity didn't know how long they stayed like that, wrapped up in each other, rocking. Crying.

It was awhile before their sobs finally quieted to a soft weeping. But she never let her grip loosen. Her lungs burned and her throat ached. Her eyes felt swollen and she couldn't breathe through her nose, but…

She had forgotten what true comfort felt like.

Felicity was exhausted, yet…lighter than she had felt in years. Five years, three months, and fourteen days to be precise.

"This is what should have happened five years ago," Oliver whispered into Felicity's (she was certain) frizzy hair. As if he had read her thoughts and was responding to them. "We should have mourned together. Comforted each other."

That set off another hiccuping sob, because…Oliver was right.

Felicity had denied them this. And if she had allowed it then, things would be so incredibly different today. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Oliver shook his head. His lips brushing her temple as he did. "You don't need to be sorry anymore," he rasped, his voice deeper than usual. "We need to be done with sorries and move forward."

Felicity laughed softly and for the first time it wasn't an ugly bitter sound, it was almost…giddy? "When did you get so wise?"

Chuckling as well, Oliver nuzzled his face further into her shoulder, so Felicity's hair fell onto his face, and he murmured into her skin, "I'm not wise. I'm desperate. I…I just want…I need these five years to be over."

That was a plan Felicity could certainly get behind. The question was…what next? Where was forward?

Felicity really didn't care where it took them as long as it took them there together.

It was easy to assume, with Oliver wrapped around her the way he was, that that was what he wanted too, but Felicity really couldn't afford to jump to conclusions. If they weren't on the same page…of god, they just had to be!

Pulling back…Felicity found herself very reluctant to give up her death grip, but her glasses were smudged and…oh, poor Oliver. They must have been cutting into his skin this entire time. It wasn't like she could see all that great anyway, not with her eyes crusty and swollen the way they were.

Felicity pushed her glasses up and wiped at her face. God, she was gross. "Can I say I'm sorry for getting snot all over you?"

Oliver met her eyes and huffed out a soft laugh, his entire face transforming with only the smallest of smiles. His eyes were red-rimmed and swollen as well.

"No. You don't have to be sorry for that either." Then Oliver leaned forward and kissed her, snot and all.

The kiss was light and inelegant, but it filled her with warmth and hope. So it was pretty damn awesome. Felicity couldn't stop herself from reaching out to cup Oliver's cheeks, making him linger just a few moments longer.

Felicity mewed a little when Oliver finally pulled back, following him with her lips (she was feeling a little bit dazed and delirious at this point) but it made him smile all the way to his eyes so…totally worth it.

Though, really, after the incredible ups and downs of the last few hours…Felicity thought, maybe, she'd like to spend the next one just sitting here like this, lazily kissing him.

But Oliver pulled a bandanna from his belt loops instead. It was still damp from the rain he was out in for hours on end. Gently, he pulled off Felicity's glasses and cleaned them, so…

Yeah, anything Oliver wanted…Felicity would give him anything he wanted.

Oliver wiped Felicity's face before placing her glasses back on her nose. "All better?"

Maybe it should have made her feel like a child but, really, it just made Felicity feel loved. It had been a long time since she'd felt that way.

Felicity smiled, dopily she was sure, and murmured, "Not quite." Taking the bandanna from Oliver's hand, she cleaned his shoulder where she had slobbered all over him. "There."

Oliver chuckled again, humming a little in what seemed to be pleasure so…

Felicity exhaled, and since she was so exhausted and also because she had missed Oliver so very much…she melted back into him, resting her cheek on his shoulder…stupid glasses. She couldn't get close enough. No wonder she always used contacts when they were together.

Felicity pulled off the glasses and, gripping them in her hand, pressed her swollen eyes into the crook of Oliver's neck.

Oh yes, that was much better. So much better than a warm towel on her puffy eyes. Sighing, the tension finally drained away as Felicity wrapped her arms around him again.

Oliver's hands stroked her back, long and slow, over her shirt, which kind of made her wish it would go away. But Felicity had no desire to break the spell by mentioning it.

Or speaking at all.

Or moving.

They needed to expressly lay out exactly what 'moving forward' meant. There was still so much that needed to be said. But, in this moment, this was juuuust fine.

This was wonderful, in fact. Oh god, Felicity had missed this so much.

All that frantic workaholism…it had just been a way to keep Felicity from remembering what she was missing from her life.

Oliver.

Felicity almost thought she might drift off like this, which sounded lovely actually. How long had it been since she'd had decent sleep?

But then, Oliver whispered, "You know it's all kind of…I dunno ironic or whatever, because one of my top theories…about why you left—"

God. "Oh Oliver, I—"

"Shhhh…no more apologizing, I just…do you not want to talk about it?" Oliver asked cautiously, wary and unsure, twisting up Felicity's insides as he played with her messy hair.

She didn't want to talk about it. Felicity wanted to pretend none of it ever happened and go into a cocoon with Oliver and hide forever. But it was clear he wanted to talk so…

"No, it's okay," Felicity murmured against his skin. Oliver was just so warm. "Just don't forget that I never wanted to leave you. It was just…self-sacrificing lunacy."

Oliver's chuckle rumbled against Felicity's chest, vibrating through her and making her smile. "I'm pretty sure that's supposed to be my play."

"Hmmm, guess you rubbed off on me." Felicity stretched a little and rubbed against him, cuddling closer. She couldn't get close enough. "Tell me. What did you think?"

If it was important enough for Oliver to bring it up, then Felicity wanted to know. Besides, talking about it was the healthy thing to do, right? She wanted to do everything right this time. Second chances were…well, precious. And she was so very grateful. She wasn't going to take anything for granted.

"Right, yeah…" Oliver wasn't looking at her. How could he with his mouth resting on her temple the way it was? Besides, Felicity had her eyes closed and pressed into the muscles of his shoulder. Maybe, this was the best way to have this conversation. "I guess one of my top theories was that I had pushed too hard that last night. The one in Flores, before Tikal."

Okay…maybe, she did need to look at Oliver for this.

Felicity pulled back and blinked up at him. "What? What are you talking about?"

"I—"

Then Felicity realized she still couldn't make out his expression and she really need to be able to read his face. She put up her hand. "Wait…"

Unfolding her glasses, Felicity placed them back on her nose, blinking as his beautiful face came into focus. Oliver was smiling indulgently at her, chewing on his lip, making her heart bleed for him.

"Okay, now…what!?"

Had Oliver really been thinking something went wrong in Flores? It had been the most incredible night. The memory was bitter-sweet because it had been their last but…

"That night was amazing!" Felicity protested, because she never wanted him to think anything else. "Well, other than the promotions of doom…but how did you push?"

Oliver wrinkled his nose, a smile just starting at the corners of his lips. He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Felicity's nose before settling his forehead against hers. His big hands cupped her hips, grounding her. "I thought…I thought, maybe, I scared you away with all the talk of a baseball team of kids. You were the one who said you were only 22. I thought you weren't ready…or just didn't want kids and were afraid to tell me—"

"Okay, first of all…" Felicity could let him think this way for another second. "If I refused to talk to you because I wasn't ready for kids…that would have been pretty pathetic," she said and Oliver huffed out a soft chuckle. "And second…" She took and deep breath and had to close her eyes as she confessed, "If I didn't ever want children, I probably wouldn't have had a panic attack every time I saw a pregnant woman just…"

Felicity couldn't finish the sentence, the words stuck in her throat. Oliver pulled her back into his arms, rocking her again, his cheek against her…

Until he froze.

Which made Felicity freeze, because freezing was so not a good thing and things could go so much worse than they were going now and—

"You weren't just running from me that day at the beach, were you? It was Lyla…?"

A relieved breath left Felicity in a whoosh as her muscles went limp…and yet, at the same time, a sob bubbled up and she admitted in a rush, "I went looking for you. I wanted to see you after all this time. Even though it was terrifying. But I…I had no idea about Lyla and…"

Felicity pulled back, meeting Oliver's gaze. It was full of so much empathy and…

"Then you touched her belly and you looked so…in awe and that will never be…" Oliver's face crumpled…no, that was Felicity's face that dissolved into hot tears. Still, these words seemed to be determined to be heard. "It should have been us, Oliver. But it…"

"Oh god," Oliver breathed and Felicity watched as the full ramifications dawned on him. His eyes went distant and…vacant as they lost focus and he whispered, "It will never be us."

Hearing Oliver say it was like a knife. But seeing the grief on his face...that was even worse. All Felicity wanted in that moment was to have something comforting to say. She should be good at this by now, shouldn't she? Or used to it, at least. Oliver pointed out that she'd had all this time to mourn, so why did the wound feel so fresh?

Felicity opened her mouth to say something, anything that would make Oliver feel better. To be his Sunshine, but what came out was, "It's my fault."

Oliver's eyes instantly snapped back to hers. "How could it possibly be your fault?" His tone implied that he didn't believe it for a second and that should have made Felicity feel better but…

Before she knew what she was doing, Felicity was confessing her darkest and most deeply buried fear. The one she had never dared utter before. "I stepped in front of that bullet and that was selfish."

"Felicity—"

"It was. I didn't want to live in a world without you, so I…" Felicity broke off with a sob, squeezing her eyes shut. She couldn't look at him. Couldn't bear the derision. Didn't deserve the sympathy, the love. "I never even thought about the fact that I was consigning you to the same fate. That I was just giving you all that pain. Abandoning you and I…" Her voice cracked and she pressed a hand to her mouth, trying to hold it together.

"No, baby, no…"

Felicity ignored him, she had to get this out before she lost her nerve. She had to get it all out. No more secrets. "So, I was punished. I was punished for my selfishness and god took away my…our baby and—"

Oliver went stiff as a board, asking desperately, "You weren't—?"

"No. No," Felicity shook her head frantically, angry at herself for letting Oliver think that for even a second. The truth was bad enough. "I wasn't…it's so stupid, but I…it felt like I lost a child, even though that's dumb…because there was never a child to lose."

And now there never would be.

"It's not stupid." Oliver cupped Felicity's chin forcing her to look him in the eye. "It's not. I felt…feel the same way, like…like we lost a child…" He blew out a shaky breath. "Like someone died…"

Oliver's tone was…just destroying her and…

Felicity reached out with a shaky and desperate hand to cup Oliver's cheek, leaning forward to gracelessly press a sloppy kiss to his lips. She hoped it would give him some comfort, because she had no more words.

Oliver pulled her closer, kissing her lips, her cheek, her shoulder…before burying his face in the crook of her neck once more. Felicity could feel him taking deep breaths, feel his shudders as he tried to gain his own measure of control.

"But Felicity…the idea that any of this is your fault…that's what's dumb."

Felicity had to laugh, because it was just the most ridiculous way to comfort someone, but it did. It really, really did.

She dug her fingers into Oliver's back and pulled him closer as he said, "I would have done the same thing. You know that. I would have taken that bullet a hundred times over. Without pausing to worry about your grief. Not able to stand the idea of a world without you in it…" His voice cracked.

"Shhh," it was Felicity's turn to say, kissing away the saltiness on Oliver's cheeks. Then the irony of it all hit her and she found herself chuckling. "We're quite a pair, aren't we? Between the two of us, you would think we were the cause of all the world's evil."

Oliver shook his head, his eyes still so serious. "There is nothing evil about you, Felicity."

And that…it just…Felicity had to bite her lip and breath through her nose to try to control the wave of emotion his words triggered.

"But evil did this," Oliver continued fiercely, putting a protective hand on her stomach. "Reiter. That asshole who shot you…I wish I could kill them all over again."

"Then kill Darhk," Felicity answered back just as fiercely. It was an odd thing to say, but it felt right. "Evil is evil."

And that, finally, made the corner of Oliver's lip quirk up. "Maybe it is."

After that, Oliver thoughts seemed to drift off again and Felicity let them, allowing herself to enjoy the soothing rhythm of his fingers carding through her hair.

Finally, Oliver murmured, "So…Lyla and Digg don't know?"

He already knew the answer, but if Oliver needed confirmation…Felicity shook her head. "Just Caitlin and Shado."

Oliver nodded in response, still looking off. "I…I can see why it was hard for you…I mean, it's going to be difficult to see Lyla again." The pain in his voice was obvious.

It was strange, and incredibly comforting, to have someone share her pain. Felicity felt selfish for feeling that way, for taking solace in Oliver's grief. She would save him from it if she could but…it was so different from Caitlin's sympathy…as lovely as that was.

This was someone who felt the same. Someone who understood, because they felt it too.

So, selfish or not, more words tumbled out of Felicity's mouth, "I went to their wedding, Lyla and John's. It was…horrible. I mean, the wedding itself was beautiful, of course. I just felt...I wanted to be a good friend and I knew it was petty, but all I could think was…that should be us. That was the life we should have had."

The life that they had dreamed of and planned for that one beautiful fateful night in Flores.

Oliver pulled her closer, pressing a hard kiss to the top of her head and saying, "I…Felicity, I don't know what kind of life we should have had, but I know…" Felicity could feel the breath he blew out ruffle her hair. "I know…I believe that it is supposed to be together."

And…

Felicity had hoped…

Oh god, she had prayed that this was what he meant when he mentioned moving forward, but Felicity hadn't…to hear Oliver say it out loud…

Felicity pulled back to meet his eyes, even though hers were blurry and swimming with tears. She ran her fingers through his short hair. "Oliver…" Her voice came out strange and she had to swallow to remove the lump before trying to speak again. "I…"

Oliver's face was solemn. Unsure.

It made the words come. Cupping the back of his head, Felicity vowed, "There is nothing I want more."

The insecurity disappeared and Oliver's face transformed and it was….it was beautiful.

It gave Felicity the courage to continue, "And if you will forgive me—"

"There's nothing to forgive."

Felicity had to laugh at that. "Oh there is—"

"Then I've already forgiven you. I just…" Oliver's face grew sober again. "I need…" He closed his eyes and swallowed, and when he opened them again, Felicity could see his anguish. "I've felt what it is like to live without you. I hate it. And…I can't go through it again…the ending…my soul won't survive, Felicity."

"Oh baby," Felicity ran her hands down his face, trying desperately to sooth him. "Never again. Never," she swore, desperately. "I'll never keep another secret. I'll never—"

But Oliver didn't let her finish, he broke in, sounding like a lost little boy. "Just don't leave me. I need you. Always and forever—"

"Always and forever," Felicity agreed, nodding the only way she seemed to remember how. Frantically. "For real this time. For everything. I will never willingly leave you." That she could promise. That was what she should have promised all those years ago. "Not for anything. I love you so muc—"

Oliver's lips slammed down on hers. His hand cupping the back of her head and pulling her to him. As soon as she realized what he was doing, Felicity surged up to meet him, her lips searching out his with the same desperate passion.

His mouth and his tongue, they seemed even more insistent than before. More demanding. More possessive. And Felicity loved every second of it.

The way Oliver sucked on her lips and tongue, like he wanted to draw her inside of him…Felicity wanted that too…no, she wanted to have him inside of her…

Oh it didn't matter. As long as they…connected. And stayed connected.

Right the frak now!

They needed to seal this new amazing…

Oh god, oh wow…was this really happening? Were they really…back?

Was the never-ending nightmare that had been the last five years…five years, three months and fourteen days…finally over?

Felicity wrenched her lips from Oliver's, then cupped his jaw so that he was forced to meet her eyes.

His were wild. Heavy lidded. His lips swollen and so full of promise that Felicity almost forgot…everything…

"Is this real? Please, tell me this is real," Felicity begged and she really didn't care how desperate it sounded. Not any more. "Because it kind of feels too good to be true. My life doesn't go this well. It's been a really long time since anything good has happened and now it feels like I'm getting everything and…I'm not sure if I can believe it. Or if I deserve it and—"

"You deserve it," Oliver swore. His face had broken into a full-out grin during Felicity's runaway ramble and he let out a laugh so filled with joy that it was just…the absolutely most wonderful sound. "Because even if you made some epically bad choices…"

That shocked an echo of laughter out of Felicity.

"Those choices were made out of love and grief. You are a good person, Felicity Smoak." And, wow, the way Oliver looked at her…it was hard not to believe him. "The best person I know. Better than I deserve most days."

Felicity grinned and she was pretty sure she was giddy, if not full-out delirious. "Okay, now I'm really not sure this is real—"

Oliver cut her off with another laugh that was quickly smothered when his lips crashed back onto hers. He sucked firmly on her lower lip, pausing there for long seconds, savoring.

The moment Oliver let her breathe, Felicity's brain caught up with her and she blurted, "And can we talk about what you deserve? Because if you are going to praise me after all I did, you need to know—"

Another laugh and an even longer kiss shut Felicity up this time. This one long enough to rob her of all coherent thought and...

But Oliver seemed to be, somehow, following the disjointed conversation because he said, "And I know it's real because…because my hand still hurts from where I punched that tree—"

"Wait! What?" Cause…Oliver did what now?

"And because the ground is hard and uncomfortable under my knees and my boots are still wet and my shoulder bruised from the crash…."

Felicity loosened her grip, frowning as she gently stroked Oliver's shoulder instead. "Oh, my god, I forgot. I'm so sorry." How could she have forgotten? Why hadn't he said anything? "Are you ok—?"

Oliver laughed and pulled her in even tighter, not even acknowledging any discomfort as he continued, "And because you smell like rain and jungle and Felicity and you taste like…" Oliver pressed a kiss to her cheek, capturing the seemingly never-ending stream of tears. "Salt."

Then Oliver leaned in and caught her lips in another deep kiss that just went on and on and on, making Felicity forget the list of injuries she now needed to check on.

When Oliver pulled back, he was short of breath and he murmured against her lips, "What was I saying?"

"Hmmm?"

Felicity had no idea.

She licked her lips, chasing Oliver's taste. She was lost in how dark the blue of his eyes were in the moment and…if this was a dream, Felicity was going to enjoy every second. And she never wanted to wake up.

Finally, Felicity answered with the only thing that came to mind, "Love you. Love you so much."

And all Oliver seemed to do was nod, looking as delirious as she felt. "Yeah. Yeah. Love you. I love you."

This time, it was Felicity who slammed into Oliver, her mouth open and seeking, her tongue searching out his as she pressed as close as she could get. She had no desire to do anything other than drown in him.

Love you. Love you. Love you.

It was Felicity's mantra, but she refused give up his lips to say it out loud.

Oliver's hands found her ass, kneading it, pulling her into the most perfect position so she could feel his hard cock through his too thick shorts, pressing exactly where she needed it.

Felicity ground against him, circling her hips, letting go, letting her body do whatever it wanted.

And it wanted Oliver.

His growl vibrated through her body and since he refused to give up her lips, Felicity felt it all the way to her toes. With one hand still encouraging the motion of her hips, Oliver's other hand slid under the back of her shirt and Felicity moaned her encouragement.

The feel of Oliver's large, rough hand gliding over her skin…Felicity would never take it for granted again. It curved around front, running up her belly and she waited with baited breath for him to find her breast. It had been so long…

But before he did, Oliver's arm moved to spanned her back, lifting her. Felicity's legs automatically moving to circle his waist as he moved. He laid her on the bed roll, his mouth finally leaving hers only to latch onto her neck, to lave and suck as his hand finally found her breast and then—

And then Oliver was gone.

So fast….

Felicity was…

She didn't know what she was. Felicity didn't know what was going on. She…

But Oliver had his bow in his hands and an arrow notched and before her vision cleared, he was between her and the door.

Felicity scrambled to her knees just in time to see the black garbed HIVE operatives, Ghosts they were called, emerge from the stone stairway.

Frak.

Now this…this was exactly what Felicity's life looked like.

Author's Note:

There you go. I hope I didn't go too over board with the romance and it wasn't melodramatic or cheesy. And the cliffhanger…

Well, this was the cliffhanger that had my betas screaming at me (via all caps) and convincing me to write the next chapter before hiatus.

You can thank the amazing Ireland1733, Fairytalehearts, and imusuallyobsessed for not sitting on this cliffy for the entire summer.

Thank you everyone for the lovely comments and kudos! I will be on-line tonight trying to answer as many comments and questions as I can.

Happy Reading,

Emmy