To Sacrifice the Sun
Chapter 21
September 19, 2016
4:21
The Tunnel
Beneath Lacandon Rainforest, Mexico
The ground shook.
There was a distant rumble. Then the walls were falling in. The stone…the carefully crafted wall of stone, each hand placed by a hundred Mayan men, slipped and fell free in an avalanche of rock and dirt and debris.
Felicity tried to find Oliver, her eyes darting around. But it was too dark.
Pitch dark.
All see could see was inky black.
But it was hot. Like…fire hot. Felicity could feel it on her skin. Against her face. It was getting closer and closer, but...then…why couldn't she see it?
How could Felicity possibly feel fire, but see only darkness?
And where was Curtis' glow ball? Certainly, Oliver wouldn't have turned it off? But if he hadn't then…
That meant it had already been covered or crushed or…
Felicity felt like she was being crushed. That or burned alive.
Where was Oliver?
He had been…Oliver was right here. Felicity had been in his arms. She was sure of it. She tried to scream for him, but nothing came out.
Oliver!
It resonated in Felicity's head, but she couldn't speak. A sob stuck in her throat along with the words. Her voice wouldn't work. Her mouth wouldn't work. Her…
She couldn't move. Felicity couldn't move anything. Not an arm or a finger even. Oh god, she was trapped.
Oh god, she was trapped.
No…no, it was worse than that. Felicity was paralyzed. Completely unable to move.
Terror rippled through her, as bad as it had ever been, and Felicity fought against whatever invisible force was holding her down.
Felicity fought and fought. It might be futile, but she fought with everything in her. She needed to find Oliver. She refused to die until she did.
After everything, Felicity couldn't…she wouldn't die without Oliver.
At least, he knew the truth now. Felicity wouldn't die with Oliver hating her. He knew she loved him and she knew he loved her so….
No…no…no!
She would not die. She would not leave Oliver. Not again. Felicity had promised. Forever and always. She promised!
Oliver might already be dead but…
Please, please, she'd do anything. Just let him still be alive.
Felicity needed to make sure Oliver was all right. She needed to fight this. To get to him. To break through the burning, solidifying…rock that was holding her prisoner, threatening to suffocate her and burn her alive all at once.
Felicity needed to find Oliver!
She needed…
But still she couldn't move.
Yet…
Somehow…somehow, Felicity heard Oliver's voice.
It was far away. Muffled. A distance rumbling. As if through a wall of rock. Or a sarcophagus of stone.
Felicity could make out the cadence of Oliver's voice, but not the words.
She fought harder. Felicity's heart pounded. Her lungs burned.
Then, all at once, Felicity burst through and was surprised when it didn't come with a crash.
Her eyes snapped open and Felicity shot up, sitting up all jack-knife like, gasping for air.
Light poured in…
Okay, maybe that was an exaggeration. The light was dim, emanating from Oliver's pocket. But a stark contrast from what it had been before.
Felicity turned her head…surprisingly easily. Whatever had been holding her down was gone and…
Oliver was here.
Oh god. Thank god! He was right here.
Only inches away. Blurry, but alive and well and not covered in rock and debris or…hardening lava?
The walls were still standing. There was no fire. It wasn't even hot anymore. In fact, there was a chill to the air.
But no cave in. No explosion.
Thank god. Thank god. Thank god. Thank god. Thank god.
The words rang in Felicity's head, ricocheting back and forth and overlapping each other and the sound of her pounding heart, as she struggled to control her breathing.
Oliver was talking to her, but it was still muffled, almost as if her ears were clogged. His hands…they were rubbing her shoulder and back and Felicity felt that. Felt his thighs as they pressed against her. Holding her together.
It helped bring her back to herself and Felicity was finally able to meet Oliver's eyes.
Reality came back into focus and she realized it was just a dream.
A dream…
God, Felicity had never had a dream so real. All these years…all the nightmares…the horrible terrible nightmares…nothing had ever felt as real as that.
When she was finally able to make out what Oliver was saying, Felicity realized he was just murmuring, "Hey, hey, it's just a nightmare. It's okay," over and over.
And Felicity almost laughed. Half from relief because, thank the heavens, it was just a nightmare. And half from…
Frak. It really hadn't felt like just anything!
They were in much the same position they'd been in when she'd fallen asleep. Except for Felicity now sitting up ramrod straight and all. And, honestly…she could barely believe it. How could so little have changed? When…it felt like…like…
Like the world had moved.
Yet there Oliver was, calm and composed, his legs bracketing hers, a worried and compassionate look on his face.
Not worried about their safety. Worried about her.
"Just a nightmare," Oliver repeated once more and this time Felicity managed to nod, finally accepting the truth of his words and willing her breathing to return to normal.
The problem was…it didn't seem to be doing that. Or maybe it started to but then the images from the nightmare came back…
No, not images. There were no images. Just blackness. What kind of crazy nightmare came with the sensation of fire and pressure, the smell of smoke and dust, the feelings of…terror, but nothing else?
It had been the strangest, the scariest, the…
Felicity's heart sped back up, racing again, and she…she just didn't seem to be able to get enough air.
The tiny tunnel felt like it was getting smaller and smaller by the second. Felicity gasped for air and pressed her hands to her chest but nothing seemed to allow her to catch her breath.
She knew what this was. It had been years since Felicity had woken in the middle of the night with a panic attack, but…god, she had forgotten how horrible they were.
And Oliver, when Felicity was able to turn her blurry eyes on his, he seemed to be growing progressively more panicked himself. She wanted to reassure him, tell him she was fine, but…god, even if her body would cooperate and allow her to form the words it would be a lie.
"Felicity?" He demanded, his voice somehow hard and shaky at the same time. This was what a Oliver terrified sounded like and that did not help at all. "What's going on? What do you need?"
Frak, she wished she knew. Felicity was feeling too claustrophobic to even lean against Oliver. Something that normally would be the most natural, most comforting thing in the world but right then…
Tears pricked her eyes. Felicity thought she was done with this. Was she ever going to be done with this? What was wrong with her?
"Glasses," Felicity finally managed to gasp, because it was something that might actually help. She hated not being able to see. It always seemed to worsen the panic and right now she really wanted to see Oliver's face and make sure he was okay and real and…
Oliver gently placed Felicity's glasses back on her nose and his beautiful…freaked out face came into focus.
And the stone walls. And the dirt and hard clay ground and the never-ending tunnel and…
Just when it seemed she was about to turn a corner, Felicity was thrown backwards again.
"Better?"
A sob welled up and Felicity shook her head. She couldn't even manage a 'no.' God, reality wasn't much better than the nightmare. Were they going to die in this tunnel? Trapped in the darkness? Never to be…
Fuck this!
Felicity couldn't handle it anymore. She just couldn't. Somehow, she managed to gasp, "Pills. My pills."
She couldn't get out anything else, so she was so very glad when Oliver grabbed her bag and started to riffle through without any more instruction. Felicity really hadn't wanted to take Xanax while she was on a mission but…anything was better than this.
"Where the fuck…?" Oliver muttered under his breath, his hands grappling with her over-stuffed bag. Felicity swore if she was capable she would have laughed, but maybe that was just the lack of oxygen talking.
Well, until Oliver said, "Felicity, if you have another condition, I need to know. Heart or lung…"
Because that wasn't funny. Felicity could hear how scared Oliver was under his irritable mutterings.
Felicity shook her head, feeling desperate to reassure him and pathetic for having such difficulty accomplishing it. Tears tumbled over as she tried to speak and failed. Oh god, she couldn't allow Oliver to suffer like this
So as much as she wanted to give up, Felicity tried again and finally succeeded in pushing something resembling words out, "No…just…panic…panic attack…."
Oliver's eyes snapped to hers. They were still concerned but were less…well, panicked. Ironically. "Like in the Temple? After the explosion?"
All Felicity was able to manage was a half-shrug, half-nod (which she was almost proud of). There was no way she was capable of describing the intricate details that differentiated a flashback from a panic attack right then. Hell, in that moment, the difference couldn't have mattered less.
After the explosion, Oliver's kiss had been enough to pull Felicity out of her flashback. That thought at least was a pleasant one.
He spent another minute…second…whatever…riffling through her bag before letting out a frustrated grunt and turning to Felicity. Something flashed in Oliver's too blue eyes and she thought maybe he was remembering the same thing.
Then Oliver lurched toward her, taking Felicity's face between his palms and pressing his lips to hers.
So, yeah, there was a very good probability Oliver had the same thought. Nice to know they were still on the same wavelength.
Now whether or not this whole kiss-her-back-to-sanity was going to work again, Felicity had no idea. It seemed too easy. Too good to be true. But wasn't it at least worth a shot?
Also, if it did work, they should really try a whole sexual healing thing, because Felicity had a whole lot of mental issues they could have a lot of fun healing. Talk about a silver lining.
Clutching Oliver's wrists, Felicity did her absolute best to think of nothing but the man in front of her. The feel of his rough hands and soft stubble. Of his lips and his taste…
Felicity really wanted this work. For so so many reasons.
It was a good thing Oliver was the easiest thing in the world to focus on. And his lips…yeah…could focus on those forever.
But Felicity didn't have forever. Too soon, Oliver pulled back. Not far, but enough to miss the feel of his lips on hers. He rested his forehead against hers and it didn't make her feel claustrophobic. So that was good.
Really good, actually. Felicity felt warm and safe, the absolute opposite of how she'd felt sixty seconds ago. Though her heart was still going too fast and her head was swimming and her breath…
Oliver took one of Felicity's hands and placed it on his chest, holding it there with his own and whispering, "Breathe with me."
Felicity's eyes burned. She could feel Oliver's breath puffing against her lips and, miraculously, the last of the panic started to drain away.
Huh, look at that. Felicity should have known Oliver was the cure. Her cure. It made that sexual healing idea look better and better.
It was an inspiring idea and on impulse, Felicity lurched forward, capturing Oliver's lips and, unlike his kiss, hers was…desperate. And maybe a little wild.
One hand still pressed against Oliver's heart, Felicity's free hand wound around the base of his skull, her fingers digging into his scalp, attempting to pull him even closer. Something that was half growl-half whimper emerged from the back of his throat and for one blissful minute she lost herself completely in the pressure of his tongue and the heat of his mouth.
But soon…way too soon, Oliver wrenched his lips from hers, gasping for breath. That did give Felicity some satisfaction, even if she was far from ready to let him go.
Felicity was breathing heavily as well, but it no longer burned when she tried to bring air into her lungs, it flowed free and easy. The relief at that alone was dizzying.
Oliver chuckled, his own relief very evident in the sound. "What are you doing? This can't be helping you breathe."
Oh it was helping. It surely was.
"I'm kissing you back this time," Felicity murmured. It seemed the only appropriate response. Or at least the most succinct response and, therefore, the one that would get Felicity back to the heling power of Oliver's lips the fastest.
But as Felicity leaned back in Oliver evaded her, pulling his head back, his eyebrows furrowing, a regretful smile falling over his face. "I'm sorry, baby. That wasn't fair of me. You were right, you didn't have a chance to kiss me back in the temple."
Damn. Felicity had miscalculated that one. When would she stop underestimated the power of Oliver Guilt?
Felicity shrugged, trying to show how over it she was. It hadn't been fair for him to be upset that she hadn't kissed him back mid-flashback, but (for so many reasons) she really didn't care. It was water so far under the bridge it was on another continent by now.
"I just don't want there to be any doubt," Felicity told him with just a bit sassily, to make sure Oliver knew she was ready to forget all this bad stuff, even if it was for only a little while. And to remind herself…and him that no matter where they were and what was happening outside these walls (or above this tunnel) they, her and Oliver, as a couple were good.
Finally.
After far too long. They were good. So, so good.
And that was just…too incredible to believe. The one thing Felicity never thought she could ever have again. The thing she had wanted more than she'd allowed herself to contemplate.
If that wasn't something to be celebrated and appreciated, she didn't know what was.
So Felicity did the only logical thing. She went in for another kiss. Because not only was this an awesome distraction, it was going to take a lot of kisses for her brain to finally accept the…realness of it. Plus, celebration.
Besides, the physical symptoms of the panic attack were fading fast but as per usual, the anxiety lingered and Oliver's touch, while it didn't banish it completely, helped. Lord, it helped.
Oliver smiled into the kiss and he whispered, "There's no doubt," against her lips, "I promise." He wiped away the last of Felicity's tears and stroked her face, setting his legs more securely around her hips.
He was being the sweetest of the sweeties. Though, clearly, he was still in Comfort Mode and hadn't followed the enormous jump Felicity's brain had taken to Celebration Sex Land. Maybe she should explain the potential power of sexual healing?
But then Oliver's face grew completely serious. "Does this happen a lot?"
Damn it. "Making out in an underground tunnel? That's actually a first for me." Felicity tried for a mischievous grin but…Oliver wasn't buying it for a second. In fact, his frown deepened so…
Yeah, this wasn't something Felicity was going to be able to brush off and forget. It wasn't something she should, even if her instincts told her to lock down and run.
Letting out a deep breath, Felicity asked, "Nightmares? Or the panic attacks?" And, still, her voice took on a sardonic tone, mocking herself, because apparently even if she didn't run, she couldn't fully escape the veil of humor she used to protect herself.
"Both," Oliver murmured, his eyes sad and solemn as they bore in to her. He brushed away her attempts at humor. He saw right through it. Straight to the secrets of her soul and Felicity didn't even think that was an exaggeration.
She swallowed. God, Felicity hated talking about this. But she knew she couldn't keep this from Oliver. She wouldn't.
"Not for a while." Was that the truth? The urge to downplay her mental illness, to pretend it was entirely in the past, was strong. "Well, not in a while until recently. Unfortunately. I mean…they happened a lot the first year or so after Tikal but…they went away." And that was true. Mostly. "There's been a small…resurgence with, you know, being in the field."
Please, let that be enough. Felicity really didn't want to go into any more detail than that. Not now. Not stuck in a fraking hole, with broken comms and no idea what was on the other end of this tunnel. Assuming there still was another side to this tunnel.
This was really not the best place to give a history of her struggle with PTSD and Depression over the last five years. And that wasn't even Felicity being avoidant. Hello, triggers. Everywhere.
Plus, it was true that the depression seemed to have resolved but…Felicity feared the PTSD would never fully go away. Even with Oliver and his sexual healing.
Though Felicity was so up for giving that treatment a full and extended trail. Repeatedly. On the risk-benefit continuum she saw only benefits.
Unfortunately, that seemed to be the last thing on Oliver's mind. So much for him reading Felicity's mind. If he could, surely, he'd be smiling. Or blushing. Damn, that would be adorable.
But instead Oliver looked worried. And maybe a little fierce, like he wanted to go slay a dragon for her. Too bad PTSD was harder to get rid of then dragons (especially given they were fiction).
"Was there a trigger this time?" Oliver asked, because his focus was oh-so-much better than Felicity's. Always. And he was damn tenacious too. "I mean, blowing up the tomb triggered the…" He cut himself off, pressing his lips tightly together and shaking his head. It was obvious he wanted to fix this for her.
And Felicity wished he could. But even more than that, she just wanted to make the anxiety in his eyes go away. "It was just a nightmare."
Could that be a good enough? Could Oliver just let it lie? Please?
But of course it wasn't. And he couldn't. Though he didn't pressure her. Oliver just kept looking at Felicity expectantly. And when she didn't give him whatever he was looking for, he took her hand and squeezed it, asking gently, "The nightmare triggered the panic attack?"
Felicity nodded, praying the questions would stop, knowing they wouldn't.
"What was the nightmare about?"
Closing her eyes, Felicity managed to suppress a groan. Her instincts told her to evade. She didn't want to think about that damn nightmare. Not ever again.
But this was Oliver. Not only was Felicity not going to get away with it, the more rational part of her brain knew nothing could be gained by hiding this from him.
Sighing, Felicity confessed, "All I really remember is darkness and heat and feeling like I was being crushed." Though she remembered it vividly. Too vividly. "Maybe there was a cave in. Maybe Damian Darhk blew up the Door or…something." But as she said it, it didn't feel right. "I couldn't move or scream and I…I couldn't find you," her voice cracked and…
See, this was why Felicity hadn't wanted to talk about it. The terror was coming back full-force, did either of them need that?
Oliver squeezed her hand again, his voice fierce as he promised, "Darhk isn't going to do that."
If only it was that easy. Felicity shook her head, partially because she didn't think Darhk was what caused whatever catastrophe had occurred in the dream and partially because…
"We don't know that. And we don't know that the tunnel won't collapse without Darhk's interference." Great, now that Felicity's mind had started down all these…wonderful paths a new wave of fear and terror started to build. "We don't know that we won't walk 30 miles to find the exit has collapsed centuries ago and we're stuck in here and—"
A hand landed on Felicity's chest, gentle and comforting. Not in a sexy way (which was most unfortunate), above her breast, steady and comforting. "Breathe, Sunshine," Oliver commanded.
It jarred Felicity into compliance. But the tears were back (goddamn them) and she had no idea how to banish them.
"If this tunnel has stood for two and a half millennia years, it's not going to collapse today," Oliver told her, extremely rationally. Now if only Felicity's freaked out psyche would listen. "Or this week, just because we stepped foot in it."
Unless, they had somehow triggered a disastrous event just by entering a forbidden tunnel. Stuff like that always happen in Indiana Jones and Felicity really didn't think she could out run an enormous boulder and…
"But—"
Oliver cut Felicity off before she could get started, "And if we run into a collapsed part, we will turn around and go back the way we came. We have the key, remember? And the lock is on our side."
That should comfort her. It should. It was a sound plan. So why was the dread mounting? Again.
Frak.
Felicity grabbed her own knee, digging her nails in her skin. "I just…it's just it would so be my life that I finally have something to live for and…" Oliver's eyes got soft and he smiled. It was distracting when he did that and Felicity didn't if it made her want to kiss him or cry. "What if we can't get through the Door again? What if it's a one-way kinda thing? What if we run out of water? What if after everything, we die down here—?"
Oliver cut her off with a kiss.
And…good choice. Yay, for Oliver's problem-solving skills. Clearly they exceeded Felicity's at the moment.
"Then" Oliver murmured firmly, "we…you know what? I have every confidence we will get out of here, but if we don't then…" He stopped, shaking his head, though oddly enough he was still smiling softly. "Well, then I'd rather spend my last few days down here, with you, die with you, than live a lifetime up there without you."
And Felicity…
Well, her jaw dropped. Because, miraculously, that…it was enough to chase the panic away. And every other thought she had.
Nightmare? What nightmare? Felicity blinked up at Oliver, trying to figure…to accept…
"You really mean that, don't you?" Felicity breathed. She was dumbfounded. On one hand there was no part of her that wasn't absolutely certain Oliver was telling the truth, yet…it was a lot to wrap her head around.
It wasn't an empty romantic cliché. It was…that was wow. Wow was what it was.
Oliver smiled and she had never seen eyes more sincere. "It's not like I'm…I'm not…" Oliver sighed, looking self-conscious now. "Sweetheart, I'm not suicidal or anything. In fact, I really want to live, now more than ever, but I'll take my chances down here, with you, any day."
For a moment Felicity couldn't find words. She just stared at him. Astounded. She still didn't understand how Oliver could feel that much for her. Especially after everything.
"Hey, I don't think we're going to die down here," Oliver reassured, completely misreading her silence, but Felicity did enjoy the way he cupped her cheek. As always, it grounded her. "We're going to get out of this. We're going to get to Kin Cuudad."
Finally, Felicity was able to smile, though there was no drying her eyes. His confidence in her, in them…it was like a drug. "It's not…it's just…" She sighed. Like a love struck fool. "Sometimes you just say things that are so incredibly, excessively romantic that I…I don't even know what to say…" Or how to breathe.
Oliver blushed. Hard. He turned beet red. His teeth found his bottom lip and his eyes found the floor.
Could he get any more adorable?
Felicity rested her forehead against his and cupped his nape. "The most incredible part is I actually believe you mean it—"
"Of course, I mean it." Oliver's head snapped up. The look he gave her was…insulted. How dare she think to question his sincerity? Lord, this man…
Shaking her head, Felicity said the only think she could, "How are you even real, Oliver Queen? Huge. Gorgeous. Brilliant." He scoffed at that, but she pressed on. "Deadly. And the most romantic man that ever lived."
Oliver rolled his eyes, the embarrassment he'd momentarily seemed to forget came back in full force. "It's just you," he muttered, his eyes skittering away.
It kind of made Felicity want to giggle. Just a little. If she giggled. Which she did not. Not without mind-altering…something. "No, it's not. It's who you are. You just hide it well."
"No," Oliver argued, giving Felicity his best self-deprecating half-smile (it was a look he had honed to perfection). "It's you. You didn't know me before I met you."
"Well, it would be quite the time paradox if I knew you before I met you." Felicity smiled as she said it. She was feeling remarkably better. Maybe there were somethings Oliver could cure just by…being him.
"Funny," Oliver muttered, still looking completely certain of his…self-doubt. Why he was pouting while Felicity was trying to tell him how wonderful he was, would forever be a paradox.
Oliver was a paradox. A beautiful, perfect paradox.
And for some reason, it made Felicity laugh. She looped her arms over Oliver's shoulders and grinned into his perfect eyes. "I don't believe it. A soul this romantic is born, not created. It's who you are deep down."
Rolling his eyes and shaking his head, Oliver wrapped his arms around Felicity's waist and pulled her torso flush with his. "Then it was buried so deep only you could find it."
"Hmm." Felicity wasn't buying that for a second. They were talking about the man who was literally giving her Eskimo kisses as they spoke. She had only been in his life three of his thirty-one years. Three years couldn't change a man that much. "Come on, if I asked Sara…or better yet her sister, the one you dated for, what? Six years? Wouldn't she say you were romantic?"
Felicity couldn't imagine Sara's sister would have stayed with Oliver that long, with all his philandering, if he hadn't been charming as hell. Something had drawn her back, over and over.
Oliver let out a bark of laughter. "Laurel? You mean would Laurel say I was romantic? Are we talking before or after she tore me a new one for running off with her sister and disappearing with the very same sister for a decade?"
Smiling, Felicity nodded. "After."
Strangely enough, this was a topic the team had teased Sara and Oliver about so much and so often that there were no hard feelings left. It was very easy to joke about since they knew how much both Sara and Oliver both regretted their actions and how different they were, both individually and as friends. The idea of them together romantically perplexed the team enough that they were endless amused by their past.
Though Felicity could imagine this Laurel woman would probably feel much differently.
One side of his mouth tipping up in a wry smile, Oliver drawled, "Well then, if you asked Laurel…after she calmed down, if she calmed down, I'm pretty sure she would tell you that I had exactly one romantic bone in my body and it came out when I was in trouble and it had a direct line to the florist."
Laughing, Felicity shook her head. She didn't believe it for a minute. "She must have seen something in you if she stayed that long. I don't believe for one minute that Sara's sister is stupid. Or just with you for your money. Not with what Sara's said about her parents."
"No. No." Oliver sighed, his eyes getting distant, that familiar look of guilt burned deep. This time, Felicity had to admit it was probably warranted. "That wasn't Laurel. She was…I assume, still is a great person. I, honestly, have no idea why she stayed with me. I was a complete asshole."
That set off a string of new laughter and Oliver grinned back. Felicity was feeling a little floaty and punch drunk with the resolution of her emotional crisis.
And, maybe a little, because of Oliver's nearness.
"I kept waiting for her to break-up with me for good," Oliver confessed and it looked like it was something he had needed to say for a long time. "I think that's what my little jaunt with Sara was about. To get Laurel to end it for good."
Felicity wrinkled her nose at that. It was hard to even imagine the man, the boy, Oliver described was the same man who sat in front of her. "Why didn't you just end it yourself?"
Oliver shrugged. "To weak. Too stupid. Too much of a coward."
Felicity had to laugh at that, it was so ridiculous. "All those things are pretty much the exact opposite of the man I know."
Pleasure lit Oliver's eyes, along with gratitude but, still, he argued, "Not then I wasn't. I've told you. The Ollie Queen that got on the Gambit, the one Laurel Lance loved, god only knows why, he died in the North China Sea and it wasn't much of a loss. That Island would have made me into something much…darker. If it wasn't for ARGUS, and you, who knows what I would have become."
Oliver humbled Felicity sometimes. It was clear his experiences had reshaped him. That he had made himself into something so much more than that spoiled rich kid from Starling City. But…
"You give me too much credit," Felicity rasped, emotion clogging her voice so it wouldn't raise above a whisper.
He shook his head. "You don't give yourself enough." Oliver pressed a kiss to her lips and Felicity realized that it had been far too many minutes since he had done so. "Do you want to know why I stayed with Laurel as long as I did?"
Felicity nodded. Though part of her just wanted to keep kissing. This was ancient history and…there were so many kisses to make up for. Years of kisses.
"Well, there was the fact I never felt like I had the right to end things after everything I'd done. She didn't do anything wrong. What right did I have to dump her?" Oliver confessed and Felicity tried not to sigh. It was the kind of ass-backward, self-defeating thinking that she'd come to expect of him. "But mostly it was…Laurel, she always saw something good in me. Something deep down. I think I was addicted to it. Afraid of what would happen to me without it. Without her belief in me."
Stroking his face, Felicity repressed the need to pepper her poor baby with kisses. What had Oliver's family life been like that he had needed to stay with a girl he didn't love just because she was the only one who saw good in him? All while he was trying to sabotage the relationship? No wonder Oliver hadn't gone home.
"But Felicity," Oliver whispered and his eyes were all melty and loving and, dear god, she could just drown in them. "Laurel may have seen something good in me, but you were the one who was able to find it, the only one to bring it to the surface. You brought it out in me. You made me a better person."
Tears burned again. Felicity adored how he saw her, could become addicted to the worshipful way he looked at her, but there was no way she was taking the credit he seemed determined to give her. "No, Oliver, you made you a better person."
But Oliver just smiled, straight into her eyes. "Well, we'll just have to agree to disagree then."
Felicity wasn't sure she wanted to agree to any such thing. But she'd voiced her disagreement, planted the seed that Oliver should be proud of who he was and what he had become. Now she would just have to water it. It would take time, but there was nothing she wanted to do more than nurture that idea in the man she loved. To watch it grow.
Besides, Oliver's words brought up something else that had been tormenting her. "I was so worried you would lose sight of that in Russia. Lose…I dunno, some of that goodness, a piece of your soul, working for the goddamn Bratva." The softness Felicity so loved.
Letting out a sigh, Oliver dropped a kiss onto Felicity's nose. When he pulled back his eyes were murkier. "It was hard, not gonna lie. But in the end, I think we did enough good to make the…not-so-clean-cut decisions worth it."
"Enough good? Is that what you're calling it?" Felicity scoffed. Could the man take credit for anything but the bad stuff? "You took down the Bratva, Oliver. You're a hero." She should know. She'd spent a decent part of her flight to Cancun hacking the details of the sting.
But Oliver's scoff was louder than hers and it was accompanied by an impressive eye-roll. "I…we didn't take down the Bratva. It's too big to destroy. I just helped the…less morally corrupt factions take over the really evil factions. And limit its ties to America."
On anyone else Felicity would have wondered if the humility was feigned, but unfortunately, she knew it wasn't. "Oh. Well, if that's all…" Felicity doubled the sarcastic lilt in her voice and made sure when she rolled her eyes it was even more dramatic than his, "I guess you're not a hero at all."
If Felicity giggled after it was totally not her fault given that the bastard started tickling her. And damn Oliver didn't know all her weak spots.
"Stop. Stop," Felicity gasped until Oliver finally complied, pulling her close and burying his face in her hair.
Felicity held him back just as tightly and smiled into his hair. She wanted to just sit there and savor the moment, but now that she'd begun to ask the questions that had been bothering her for so long, they just kept coming.
"Oliver?"
"Hmmm?" he hummed into her shoulder. He didn't let go. If anything Oliver pulled Felicity even closer, burrowing in like a little boy, making Felicity feel a flood of affection for the child she was certain was simultaneously a cocky little brat and the sweetest, most insecure little boy.
"Can I…did you ever…?" Felicity wet her lips, searching for the right way to ask. The last thing she wanted was the ruin the mood. Or worse, start an argument. "Did you even consider going back to Starling after—?"
Oliver grunted into her shoulder, loud enough to cut her off. "No, no, and no."
Felicity bit her lip, far from satisfied with his answer but not sure if she should continue to press. "Yes, but—"
"I told you," Oliver pulled back to look her in the eyes and, thankfully, he only looked a little irritated by the question. "I wanted to go home with you. I never considered going home after Tikal. I never considered finding anyone new. And I sure as hell never considered looking up Laurel again. The boy she loved died—"
Died. Felicity knew. "But that doesn't mean that she wouldn't have loved the man you had become," she insisted. Because maybe, this idea had eaten at her. "If Laurel loved you then, you're down right irresistible now."
That finally made Oliver smile. Felicity blushed, though she couldn't regret saying it, especially when he said, "Well, the only person I don't want to resist me is you. Why do you keep pushing the issue? Sometimes, it feels like you want me to—"
"No!" Felicity blurted out as soon as she got the gist of what he was trying to say, her voice deep and insistent and (she hoped) leaving no room for doubt. "No way. I hated the idea of you with someone else. And now…well, now you're mine and no one—"
Oliver cut Felicity off with a hard possessive kiss. "Don't you ever forget it. Are we done with the Laurel and…the other woman questions now?"
He sounded good and frustrated with the subject, but Felicity could only shrug. "I just wanted you happy," she defended.
"Ugh!" Oliver threw back him head until it landed on the stone wall behind them with an soft thunk. "You make me happy. And just to make this clear, I may have thought I was in love with Laurel as a kid, but that was only because I didn't know what love was. I never felt a tenth of what I feel for you, with her."
This time tears filled Felicity's eyes so fast she couldn't even see and it sucked because she couldn't stand not to be able to see his beautiful face. She blinked, sending the them cascading over her cheeks. "I love you," she rasped. "I love you so much. I can't even…"
"I know."
Oliver's answer was quiet and sure and for some reason that touched her even deeper. Felicity lunged for his lips and tried to show him with her kiss what she couldn't seem to find the words for. At least no words that felt even remotely comparable to the beautiful ones he'd given her.
Sinking into the kiss with an almost relieved sigh, Oliver met her completely, with his whole self. For long minutes they did nothing but lose themselves in reconnecting. Through their lips and tongues and breath.
Felicity was starting to lose track of time when Oliver pulled back with a sigh, stroking her cheek. "Let's get you something to eat and drink."
Always taking care of her.
Oliver reached into his bag and Felicity scrubbed her cheeks to get rid of the remnants of her tears, a little embarrassed by the excess of emotion. She glanced down at her watch and…
"Oliver! It's almost 5am. You let me sleep for almost six hours!" HIVE had better not have figured out a way to get into these tunnels or they were screwed!
But Oliver didn't seem the least bit concerned (or cowed) by her outburst. He just pulled out a canteen and pushed it into her hands. "Felicity, you were exhausted. If you hadn't had a nightmare, I wouldn't have woken you at all."
Seriously? What the hell? He had better not start treating her like fragile little…thing. Felicity was still strong. She might have panic attacks and cry too much and…she was only just realizing this herself but she was still damn strong.
Life had thrown an awful lot at Felicity and she was still swinging.
"I'm an ARGUS Agent, same as you. I don't need to be coddled." Oliver may (technically) be here CO, but that didn't give him the right to treat her as…a civilian or something. That was lot of time they lost.
But Oliver just shrugged and looked pointedly at the canteen. Apparently, he wasn't even going to give her the satisfaction of a debate.
Felicity frowned and glared…actually, she scowled and glared. Yup, that's right, she scowled.
But she drank the damn water, grumbling, "We need to ration this. Who knows how long we'll be down here?" Felicity couldn't help but add, "Especially, if they're sleeping for hours at a time."
"We should," Oliver agreed, all agreeable now as he took a drink for himself. "But we're going to be out of this tunnel long before we run out of water."
"Umph," Felicity grunted. "So how much sleep did you get?" She knew damn well what the answer was, but she wanted Oliver to say it. She had a point to prove.
"I got plenty of rest," Oliver said and it was mildly annoying to say the least. It would be even more annoying if she wasn't so in love with the big idiot.
"And you closed your eyes…?"
"Occasionally."
Yup. Ummhmm. "Without ever losing awareness of your surroundings?"
"I'd be a pretty terrible lookout if I did." Oliver smiled at her innocently. He was very good at that smile.
"And now you're going to let me stand guard while you sleep." Felicity had a pretty good innocent smile too. Well, maybe hers had a bit of a bite.
But instead of being cowed, Oliver's smile just widened. "Just as soon as I need some sleep." Then before Felicity could continue this lovely banter, he leaned in and pressed a kiss to her lips and a protein bar into her hands. He always had played dirty.
Felicity narrowed her eyes at him and unwrapped the protein bar, taking a bite. Mint Chocolate chip. Her favorite. Of course. "Did really you just sit there, acting as my lounge chair for six hours?"
Oliver wagged his eyebrows. "Your look-out lounge chair."
Now that Oliver was trying to be funny he was much less successful at it. "Seriously, what did you do for six hours?" Felicity would have gone crazy just sitting there with nothing to do but think.
But Oliver, Mr. Patience, just grinned and took a bite of his own bar…oatmeal raisin. Her least favorite, which she suspected he didn't like much better. "I enjoyed the view."
Well…that was a really, really good answer.
But Felicity made sure to roll her eyes anyway, just so Oliver didn't think he could sweet-talk himself out of everything. Mostly of the time he could. But it wouldn't do for him to be any more aware of that than he already was.
"Please, the last time you had that much time to think, you spent 24 hours sniping and growling at me," Felicity argued, though any bite was fading fast. "What did you think about this time?"
"Same stuff."
Felicity's eyes snapped to his. Only to find Oliver's twinkling. "Seriously?" Because last time she was pretty sure he was brooding about the last five years and their separation.
"Pretty much." Oliver was still grinning and Felicity had to say it was amazing to see him relaxed like this, even if it made zero sense given the circumstances. "I thought back over the last five and half years and…well, it was like someone finally gave me the rubric for a code I'd been trying to break for years. The puzzle pieces finally fit."
Well, okay, that made sense, but Felicity couldn't say the idea gave her comfort. "The final picture isn't very pretty."
"Parts maybe," Oliver agreed, reaching over and cupping her cheek. "But the whole picture, taken together…it has its own beauty. So much better than mess I was making of it." He winked and Felicity couldn't help but grin.
But then she bit her lip and looked down, playing with the wrapper of her protein bar. Oliver's thumb ran over her lip and freed it from her teeth, giving Felicity the courage to ask, "Did you…did you just think about the past?"
But instead of answering, Oliver just raised an eyebrow, clearly waiting for her to elaborate as his thumb drew patterns on her cheek. He was leaving this ball entirely in her court, whether she wanted it there or not.
"I mean did you…?" Okay, this was really hard. But it was important, so unfortunately, they needed to talk about it. "Well, did you think about how what I told you affects the future?" Their future.
Again, Oliver just looked confused. Dammit. Was Felicity really going to have to spell it out for him?
Felicity fists curled into tight balls, her nails digging into her palms. "Because…if you still want what you wanted before…"
Oliver finally opened his mouth, but he seemed to freeze there and Felicity was forced to keep going.
"Then I just want you to know…" God, now Felicity just wanted to say this without crying. "That adoption or surrogacy…you can still have a child of your own." That was where Felicity started talking really fast, trying to get it all out before Oliver could stop her. "I thought it would bother me but now I think it would be fine. Great, even. Maybe. If that's what you want. I would love a baby of yours. Completely. I mean, it wouldn't just be yours. It would be ours and you have some pretty amazing genes. They should be passed on—"
"Felicity. Felicity!"
She came to an abrupt halt, unsure exactly how many times Oliver had called her name while her words (and thoughts) had been a run-away train.
Oliver reached at and tugged on the tight balls she'd made of her fists, running his thumbs over her knuckles until the finally released and Felicity's palms lay in his. "Felicity, sweetheart, I just got you back—"
"Oh god!" She'd messed up. Again. She'd presumed too much. Felicity's whole body went tense and her tongue took off again, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I got ahead of myself. What was I thinking? We haven't been back together for 24 hours and I'm already talking about…" She blew out a breath and shook her head. "Of course, you don't want to jump in right where we left off. That would be stupid. We can't pretend five years didn't—"
Oliver's hand clamped over her mouth, stopping the flow of words. How long had he been trying to shush her before resorting to that? Felicity had no idea. Clamped her lips shut, she breathed out of her nose. Her heart and thoughts were racing, but Oliver's eyes were calm and it was hard to look into them and not feel a little of that herself.
"If I let go are you going to let me talk?" Oliver asked and Felicity nodded, feeling stupid and anxious and…
Oliver's hand fell away, but he left a finger pressed to her lips. "To remind you," he told her with a lop-sided grin. He was too damn adorable to be allowed. "What I was trying to say was…I just got you back, I'm not really thinking past, 'Thank god.' And maybe 'Wow' and 'I'm not letting you go again. Ever.'"
Felicity mewed then, like the lovesick fool she was, heart-eyes and all. She did have the excuse of not being able to use actual words. Also, Oliver was looking at her the same way, so maybe it was only fair.
Oliver was so earnest when he said, "So if that's jumping in right where we left off then, yeah, I'm all in."
This time, Felicity let out a relieved sigh and kissed his thumb. She had absolutely no desire to argue with that.
Oliver seemed to take it as encouragement, because his face relaxed into a smile and he continued, "And the rest…Sunshine, after five years without you, I don't care if we take over an orphanage or we become that old couple who has been in ARGUS for 50 years and still goes on missions or…we buy a cabin on a mountain and adopt fifteen cats."
Felicity laughed out loud at that last one, feeling giddy as his words washed over her. The things Oliver said, some of them, she wished she could record them and keep them forever.
Oliver smile deepened, his dimples out in full force, the DEFCON 5 of dimples, lord help her, as he pulled her back in. This time when he kissed her it wasn't a quick reassuring peck. No, this time he lingered, tasting and nipping and, wow, Felicity felt like the luckiest person on the planet.
Despite everything. All she'd been through. The luckiest.
"See," Felicity murmured against his lips, tasting her own tears. "This is what I was talking about. You really are the most excessively romantic man. Sometimes it's hard to believe you're real."
And…there were the dimples again. Felicity was dead. Dead from the dimples. What a way to go.
"I can try to stop," Oliver snarked. At least he wasn't denying it.
"Hell no!" Felicity cried, enjoying Oliver's answering laugh. "I love it. I love you!"
"I love you." Oliver's response was automatic, without the slightest pause after her declaration and it warmed her and….
"I'm happy to table the whole adoption vs surrogacy vs. cat farm for, you know, a less deadly situation, but I…" Felicity took a deep breath, not sure where she was going with this…oh, wait. Yes, she did. "I do have a thought…well, a request. For the…our future."
At the word 'our' his face became even more melty and Oliver said, "Anything you want." Without the slightest bit of hesitation. It was humbling.
"You don't have to say things like that," Felicity told him, just to make sure Oliver wasn't still trying to win her over. She was won. It hadn't even been a contest. "I want to be with you no matter what. This isn't a condition, just a place to start a conversation."
"I just want you to be hap…" Oliver must have caught the defiant look in Felicity's eyes because he trailed off, then sighed. "Let's start with you telling me what you want, okay?"
Felicity almost asked him to promise not to agree to it just because it was what she wanted. To think about what he wanted. But she was just selfish enough to start without the disclaimer. Besides, it really was just that important.
"I want…" Felicity sighed, because as she thought about it a wave of exhaustion that had nothing to do with how much sleep she got washed over her. "Oh Oliver, I'm…I'm just not cut out for this life anymore. Worrying every mission, every day might be our last. Now that I have something to live for I'd really like to…live."
Oliver's whole demeanor changed, became somber and his lips twisted in a sad, tired smile. "This whole life and death thing has lost its thill, hasn't it?"
"God, yes." Felicity nodded vigorously. She couldn't agree vehemently enough. And she was so glad he understood.
Pressing his lips tightly together, Oliver swallowed. At least Felicity knew he was giving this serious thought. As much as she wanted him to agree, she didn't want him to do it impulsively or just for her.
"You want to leave ARGUS?"
"I…" Felicity's stomach clenched at the thought. ARGUS had been her home, her identity for her entire adult life but…she couldn't keep this up. "Maybe." And maybe it was time to figure out who they were without ARGUS. "If we survive—"
Oliver cut her off with a look. It seemed he had a very low tolerance for his 'Sunshine's' new pessimism.
Felicity swallowed and tried again, "When we finish this mission, I'm…I just don't think I want to go into the field anymore. And, I guess…it's not fair of me, but I'd rather you didn't either." Oh god, the look on Oliver's face. Wrecked, almost. She shouldn't have said anything. "At least not any really dangerous missions." Yeah, that was better. Damn, she was fraking this up. "I don't have the right to ask this, so if you don't—"
"It's not..." Oliver broke off with a sigh, shaking his head and Felicity was having a difficult time reading him and that might just be freaking her out just a huge bit. "It's just that for a long time I haven't even thought about leaving. I think I just assumed that…well, that I'd die for ARGUS. Eventually."
Felicity was so horrified by the idea…she couldn't even speak. Actually, she thought she might throw-up.
"So can you see why…?" Oliver let out a breath and sat back, shaking his head. "Maybe we should quit."
"Yes!" Felicity burst out. And maybe that wasn't fair. Maybe it needed more discussion and maybe she was taking advantage of his need to please her, but if Oliver pleased her by staying alive…she could live with that.
Because he was not dying for ARGUS. Over her dead body…
Damnit. Felicity needed to stop thinking that way. That's what got them into this mess in the first place.
"I think it might be best if we retire." Felicity clarified, hoping she wasn't pressuring Oliver too much. "Cats and orphanages optional."
Oliver's lip quirked up at the side and it made her feel so much better. "What about the CAVE? You love it there."
At first, it took Felicity aback. Is that what Oliver thought? Was it true? Did she love the CAVE?
"The CAVE…" It was funny how everything looked different with something Felicity truly loved was in front of her. "The CAVE was a pleasant place to hide. To avoid living for a while. I love you. And I…I'd like to start living again."
Letting out a breath, Oliver folded Felicity's hands in his, looking at her with sober eyes. "But you're good at your job and I know at least part of it you really enjoy. And, truthfully, it's the same for me."
Oh god, this wasn't going to work. Oliver wasn't ready to leave. And Felicity wasn't leaving without him. She swallowed down the beginnings of a sob and argued, "I can find the things I like about my job other places and I…I hope you can too. The only thing I would really miss are the people…not all the people. Can't wait to get rid of Waller."
Oliver chuckled and it seemed to break a little of the tension. Thank god.
"But our friends…they're in constant danger too. And I feel like Curtis, even Cisco, followed me into this and now they could be…" Felicity wasn't able to catch that sob in time and her voice was wrecked as she forced out, "I'm tired of watching our friends die. I can't bare it. I can't."
It felt like her words were manipulative, but they were…they were the truth. And that was all Felicity had to give.
Oliver transferred both of her hands to one of his and reached to thread his hand into her hair and press his forehead to hers as he whispered, "I'm afraid for them too."
Felicity really could see the fear in his eyes and…
"I'm sure they escaped," Felicity found herself saying. "Sara, Slade, Curtis…if Damian Darhk had them, then he would have used them to lure us out." At least that's what Felicity would have done.
"Ah. There's my Sunshine." Oliver flashed a brief smile, but it faded as he said, "Do you have any comforting words about Roy?" He seemed to be holding his breath with that one.
Crap. Felicity came up onto her knees and pulled Oliver into a tight hug. "Cait's the best there is. There's no way she's going to let him die."
And pressing her lips to his temple, Felicity prayed for all their sakes, that it was true.
Oliver nodded against her shoulder. "I just feel like he's my responsibility," he murmured, showing the sort of vulnerability Felicity knew he never showed anyone but her and it brought those damn tears right back. And hearing him say how he felt about Roy, even though she had known…hearing him say it out loud, it was both touching and heartbreaking. "If you feel like Curtis followed you…there's no way Roy would be here if it weren't for me. If that kid dies—"
"Not going to happen," Felicity insisted, not sure why she could be so much more optimistic when Oliver was the one worried. "And it's not your fault he's here. He wanted to come. He chose this life. He's ARGUS too."
"I know," Oliver murmured and the way he said it into her shoulder made it feel like it was something he was ashamed to admit. His arms were tight around her, but she could feel his fingers rubbing together against her back. "But I trained him. What does it say about how well I prepared him that he got—?"
"It says Roy's a really awesome agent who doesn't hold back in a dangerous situation. That he's a hero. Wonder who he got that from?" He scoffed against her skin and Felicity, somehow, found herself smiling. "Anything can happen in a battle, Oliver," she murmured, running her fingers through his hair. "You know that." Which was exactly why she wanted out.
Felicity wasn't sure what Oliver's response was. All she could make out was a grunt, what with the way his mouth had found the skin of her neck and attached itself.
"Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of too," Felicity sighed, stroking his head and allowing him to rest on her shoulder for once. Poor sweet Roy, who Felicity barely got to know, who took care of her Oliver in Russia without even being asked to, who she knew was one of the reasons Oliver was able to hold onto his humanity. She prayed, with everything in her, that he was okay. "Poor Puppy."
"Puppy?" Oliver turned his head just enough to look up at her and the eyes he was giving her…maybe, he was the puppy.
Oh shoot! Had she said that out loud? Eek! And, also, goddammit.
When Felicity didn't answer immediately (and what was she supposed to say? It wasn't like she could put the cat…or the puppy…back in the bag?) Oliver sat up and met her eyes and…uh oh…
There was laughter was dancing in those sinful blue eyes. "Fe-li-ci-ty…?" Oliver wheedled.
Crap, she was in trouble now. Wincing, Felicity…well, she never could resist when he said her name like that. "So I might have been secretly…in my head…calling Roy a puppy. Your Puppy, to be precise."
"What!?" Oliver's laugh was loud and made Felicity glad this place didn't echo. Though she was torn between being embarrassed and just enjoying Oliver's improved mood. Oh and being worried about how this might pan out for poor Roy.
"Because he's, you know, puppy-like. Sweet and friendly and loyal." Felicity might have been wringing her hands at this point, feeling silly and guilty at the same time. "I couldn't help but be glad that you had a puppy like Roy in Russia. So you weren't lonely…"
Oliver's laughter petered off to an emotional sort of groan that cut itself off when he grabbed Felicity's head between his large hands and pressed his lips to hers.
When Oliver pulled back, his dimples were in pull display. "Now Roy has to survive. No way the universe is going to deprive me of the opportunity to call him 'Puppy'."
Felicity's face fell. "Oh no…" This was awful.
"Oh, yes." Oliver was positively gleeful.
Poor, poor Puppy. "Please, tell me you won't let Slade—"
But Oliver just shrugged, smiling to himself as he turned and quickly repacked the few things they had taken out. "No one controls Slade."
Felicity moaned. "That doesn't mean you have to tell him!"
She'd have to get to Shado first. Because 'no one controls Slade' didn't include Shado. Maybe with her help, poor Roy would have a fighting chance.
Oliver leveraged himself off the floor, leaving Felicity to blink up at him. Now he was in a rush to get going? "You sure you don't want to try to sleep? I can—"
"I'm going to walk a little bit back and relieve myself, but then I think we should get going." He grabbed his quiver, because heaven forbid he not wear it for five and half seconds, even to pee. "The sooner we finish this mission, the sooner we can tell Waller we quit." Oliver's eyes gleamed. It was no secret Waller was his least favorite thing about ARGUS.
Biting her lip, Felicity allowed Oliver to drag her to her feet. Now that he mentioned it, she was going to have to take a turn back in the tunnel herself before they got moving. "How many of our friends do you think we can convince to come with us?"
If it was possible for Oliver's eyes to get brighter, they did. "Ahhh. Can you imagine getting to tell Waller all of us are quitting? If that isn't an incentive to complete this damn mission, I don't know what is."
Felicity laughed. She couldn't say that was her number one motivation, but it would certainly be the cherry on top.
And when Oliver put it that way…Felicity was more than eager to get moving. The future was bright.
All they had to do was survive.