Huge thanks to Sherry and Paige for being wonderful betas and amazing prereaders! I don't know what I would do without you!
"Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free."
-The Beatles-
EPOV:
I return home to sit for a very long time. I hold Charlie close, but feel too numb to notice him. The memories won't stop coming, and I grow fearful of closing my eyes, because the past is all I can see. Seth surrounds me as if he were still alive, and as I sit here, holding his son, I wonder why he was the one to die. I would have gladly taken his place. He had a family who loved him, a future ahead of him, and never did anything to compromise that. I, on the other hand, didn't have anyone to miss me, I didn't have a future that was ahead of me. For Charlie, I am a sad excuse for a father, for my mom, I am an embarrassment for a son.
Mom throws her head back and laughs. She looks beautiful when she is like this, like the young, carefree girl she once was. Seth and Paul are giving her a play-by-play of their last game, something which always puts mom in a wonderful mood. She loves sitting on our back porch with them, sipping her ice tea, and listening to the stories of her heroic athlete son. I like to listen in sometimes as well, although sometimes I can tell my presence annoys her...reminds her that her family isn't exactly perfect.
I'm thankful for the knock on the door which pulls me away from my memories of high school. I answer the door to find Bella. Her incredulous smile turns into a confused frown as soon as she sees me. Maybe I look just as terrible as I feel.
"I've been trying to contact you all day," she says quietly, her voice unsure.
"I know, I'm sorry about that," I grimace, stepping aside to invite her in.
Bella gives me a small, knowing smile before walking past me and taking a seat on the couch. I join her and we sit in comfortable silence for a moment, the only sound in the room is Charlie's breathing as he sleeps in my arms.
"Do you want to talk about it?" she proposes, her tone not pushy or demanding.
I shrug my shoulders, not wanting to share my thoughts with her. I don't want her to see my emotions or my past. I don't want her to see me differently and find me weak. If I tell her the truth about my past, maybe she will see me as unlovable. I know I should have more faith in Bella than I have had in my mother. Mom saw that I was a screw up, and could never love me right. Dad on the other hand, always felt responsible for how I turned out and that's why he always showed me affection. But Bella…. well, maybe Bella would be different if I can gain the courage to give her a chance.
"I saw my brother's best friend today while I was having lunch," I finally say, unable to look at her.
Bella remains quiet, allowing me to continue when I am ready.
"It was weird seeing him. It was as if I had been confronted with my past and when I looked at Paul, I could only see my brother. I feel bad for feeling that way, because I know Paul is hurting just as much, but I can't bring myself to talk to him. Paul, my brother, and I always spent every day together...he was always over at our house because his parents were never home, always out of town. Mom loved him like he was her son. He and Seth were so alike…. but that just makes him this morbid reminder for me, and I just can't handle it right now."
Finally, I meet Bella's gaze and I'm relieved to find it is not filled with pity, but understanding instead. She is more than I have given her credit for, and suddenly I feel ashamed of myself for doubting her. Bella turns toward me, and opens her arms to offer me comfort. I've never really been held before, always thinking I could handle my emotions alone, but now, in this moment, I want nothing more than to be wrapped in Bella's arms and forget about things for a while. I hold Charlie, and she holds me to her chest, resting her head on top of mine.
"I understand, I truly do," she says quietly, "It gets better Edward."
I close my eyes and listen to the sound of her heart. It's comforting.
"I couldn't deal with him Bella. I know it's selfish for me to leave him to deal with this alone, but it just...it hurts too much."
Bella rubs my back, and Charlie stirs awake in my arms and begins to cry. "I think he's hungry," I say, not recognizing my own voice.
I walk to the kitchen to grab his formula, and Bella begins speaking. First, it sounds as if she is merely speaking to herself, just announcing her thoughts to an empty room. But once I register her words, I know she is talking to me.
"My mother died when I was twelve. She had been suffering for so long and she just couldn't take it anymore. I was sad for a long time, but then I became angry. 'How could she do this to us?' I would wonder. I was mad at everyone. But instead of lashing out, I would focus all of my efforts in school and extracurricular activities.
I wanted to be perfect, because I felt that she wasn't. I would get lost in my work and at times I would forget about her...it was a reliefto forget. But, now that I'm older, I don't want to lose the memories I had with her, because I love her. I will always love her, even if she isn't here to feel it. I forgave her, and most importantly, I forgave myself. I know your wounds are fresh Edward, but I just wanted you to know, that it won't always feel this way."
I stand in shock. Charlie's cries are what reminds me to get out of my own head for a second. I begin to feed him, but my mind is reeling with this new information. Bella has lost someone as well. I wonder if she had always known that I have been grieving? I join her on the couch and feel my heart break as I see tears swimming in her eyes.
"How did you deal with it? How did you get better?"
She gives me a small smile and dabs her eyes with the sleeve of her shirt. "I went to see a therapist. I felt awkward going at first and I didn't like the idea of talking to someone. But it helped me tremendously. Maybe you should think about it Edward. Sometimes, it's nice to have someone to talk to."
"I have you," I smile weakly.
"And I'm always going to be here for you, Edward. I promise. Just think about it."
"I will."
A/N: Hey everyone! So, a lot of you voted for a BPOV outtake for this story. If you haven't voted for which chapters you would like to see...join my FB group "The Highlander Princess's Clan" and while you there...friend me on Facebook at Lizzie Lee so you can Facebook stalk me ;).
My Bella POV outtake has been posted on my brand new blog
highlander princess fiction. blogspot .com (remove the space)
Song- "Blackbird" by The Beatles