Huge thanks to Sherry and Paige for being the most amazing Betas in the world!
"Sometimes in the morning I am petrified and can't move
Awake but cannot open my eyes
And the weight is crushing down on my lungs I know I can't breathe
And I hope someone will save me this time.
And your mother's still calling you insane and high
Swearing it's different this time
And you tell her to give in to the demons that possess her
And that God never blessed her insides."
-Rilo Kiley-
EPOV:
Leaves become heavy on the ground and the air has grown colder. I feel its bite at work and wonder what I will do when winter comes. October is coming to a close and my mom's birthday is almost here. Dad called me last night, telling me about her plans for a big party. I've missed her birthday for the past few years, and Dad expressed how badly mom would like me to make it to this one. I don't believe she cares about my presence, but she does want to see her grandson.
All week I consider what I should get her for her birthday. Our relationship has always been strained, but now that I am in therapy and able to look at my own faults, I wonder if the lack of warmth in our relationship is equally my fault. I wasn't the model child, and I treated both of my parents so terribly for so long...so, I can see her problem with me.
I take Charlie shopping to find the perfect gift for her. It feels weird to move from store to store with my mom in mind. I feel like I'm shopping for a stranger in many ways. I don't know what she really likes, what her hobbies are, nor do I know her favorite movie is. My heart feels heavy in my chest, and as I finish my shopping, I release my clenched jaw, and rub the sore muscles of my face. I feel angry, like I have been robbed of a mother. I know she is alive and well, but it feels like there is a wall erected between us, and I just can't seem to climb over it. She is so far removed from my life, at times it feels as if she died along with Seth. Perhaps that is what happened, Seth died and all my mother's love was just buried with him.
I settle on a simple sterling silver necklace, knowing that most women like jewelry. It has two birds, one big and one small, and it is unlike anything I would ever buy. I feel almost embarrassed buying it, mainly because I don't know what her reaction will be. That thought puts me on edge, and I thank God, that Bella has agreed to go to the party with me and Charlie. I know it will put me at ease to have her near, and I will be proud to announce that she is my date. Considering how stunning and intelligent she is, I know she will impress everyone.
Now that the day of the party has finally come, I spend the morning mentally preparing myself for the night ahead. I want things to run smoothly tonight, but I am also going to finally get the chance to ask Dad about getting the paperwork I need to file for Charlie's benefits. He has been out of town since my first consultation with Howell, and mom is of no use whenever I try to bring up important issues to her. She is so dismissive when the conversation is not leading in a direction which is beneficial to her.
"Are you going to be good for me, buddy?" I ask my very excited baby boy as I give him his bath.
Charlie laughs at me and brings his hands rapidly up and down to slap the water. His smile is infectious and it is not long before we are laughing together. It's hard to stay stressed for long with such positivity close by. Charlie splashes me in the face and giggles at my shocked expression.
"You think that is funny, little man?" I ask, before reaching down to tickle his stomach.
Charlie throws his head back in laughter and reaches for me, always eager to be in my arms.
"Wait buddy, daddy has to wash you."
I stop, shocked by my own words. I've never referred to myself as his father, although it feels as if he is my son. Part of me believes this is a disservice to my brother, but another part of me loves hearing the title fall out of my mouth.
I test the title again, "Let daddy wash your hair."
Charlie gives me a grin and points in my direction, "Da," he says, making my heart stop.
Is he trying to say dad?I laugh at my absurdity, I know he doesn't know what that word means, for if he did, he probably wouldn't refer to me as it. Nonetheless, the title makes me feel ten feet tall, even if that wasn't what he was trying to say.
After his bath, I take time getting him ready, making sure he is perfectly presentable for the party tonight. I want everyone to look at Charlie, and know that I am doing a great job with him. As I dress him, I practice my new title, becoming more and more accustomed to it. I don't know if I could say it in front of anyone else, but when I am alone with Charlie, I can't help but say "daddy" every chance I get.
Although I put great care into Charlie's and my appearance, Bella has outdone us, and she takes my breath away. She looks so beautiful and so sweet, in a white cotton dress that makes her look so incredibly innocent. As I look at her breasts, which look perky and deliciously full in her dress, I want to do very, very, bad things to her.
"You ready to go, beautiful?"
Bella gives me a pretty smile and grabs her purse. Charlie is happy to see her, and makes a garble of noises as if he were trying to talk to her. Bella is a sucker for his baby talk, and immediately takes him from my arms and nuzzles his neck.
"I think he has a crush on you," I tease her.
"I guess you would know a lot about having a crush on me, wouldn't you?" she teases right back.
I stare at her for a moment, before I burst out in laughter. She is so funny, I've never really dated a girl who had a sense of humor. I never even knew I liked that in a girl.I pull her into my arms to give her a quick kiss. Her lips feel so soft and incredibly sweet against mine, and I find that she gives me not only pleasure, but she provides comfort to me as well.
The drive across town is short and I arrive at my parent's house to find it littered with cars I don't recognize. How many people did mom have to invite?I have to park on an entirely different street, and wonder if mom decided to invite every little acquaintance she has.
"Fuck, I'm sorry baby," I say as we hike toward my parent's home.
"It's fine," she says with a shrug of her shoulders, "that's why I never wear high heels."
When we walk in the front door, the party is just as I expected, I recognize no one. Charlie is staring in wonder at all the new people, as I carry him toward the kitchen in search of my dad. I hold Bella's hand as I lead her through the crowd, appreciating the warmth of her palm against mine. Everyone stares at us as they part for us to walk through. Their stares are curious and some disbelieving. I know they aren't staring at the baby in my arms or the girl next to me. They stare at me, because I stand out compared to everyone else in attendance. Covered in tattoos, looking 'rough' in their eyes...I know no amount of new clothes will change people's perception of me.
I finally find my dad, who is standing in the kitchen talking to a family friend. With a beer in hand, he looks relaxed and happy, and as soon as our eyes meet he gives me a welcoming grin, proving that he is the only person here who is excited to see me. I'm sure that once everyone realizes that it's Seth's son I am holding, they will finally understand my reason for being here.
Dad's gaze finally falls on Bella and our joined hands and he stares at me in shock. I roll my eyes at him as he smiles at me. Is it really that odd that I have a date?I suppose that when I consider my past, and what my dad has seen of it, I can understand why he is feeling this way.
"Dad, this is my date Bella Swan. Bella, this is my dad, Carlisle Cullen."
She gives my dad a firm handshake, which I know will impress him, and we fall into easy small-talk amongst the guests. I explain that Bella is my neighbor, and tell him how we met. I've been wanting to tell him about Bella for so long, but I always worried that it wouldn't last, that it was too good to be true, and I felt that if I announced our relationship aloud it would be jinxed in some way.
Mom enters the room, with a tense smile on her face. I swear, even when she is happy and at an event which should give her ease, she still finds a way to be tightly wound. Her posture is rigid as she makes her way toward us. She greets us with a forced grin and I can't help but cringe. But, deciding to put my feelings aside, I decide to try with her.
Forgetting our past, I hand Charlie to Bella, and put my arms around my mom to hug her. Our embrace is one-sided but I am patient, waiting for her to relax in my arms and hug me in return. I feel dad staring at us, observing his son and his wife. I wonder what we must look like to him, me hugging my mom's rigid body without reciprocation. I pull back, once the hug becomes uncomfortable, and stare into my mom's face. I find nothing, her expression is blank and her eyes are dead. I look to my father, who is staring at us as like he's seeing us for the first time. He looks at my mom as if she were a stranger, and his expression softens as he looks at me.
Breaking the uncomfortable silence, I introduce my mom to Bella. She looks dazed, as she reaches out to shake Bella's hand. Almost as if she were traumatized by the hug I gave her. Bella tells her "happy birthday" and attempts to converse with her. I am happy that she tries, although I know any attempt is futile.
We break away, and I realize that now is a good time to talk with my father, "Bella, do you mind hanging out here for a bit? I just need to talk to my dad about that paperwork."
She gives me a sympathetic smile, and kisses me on the cheek for luck. I watch as Bella takes Charlie to a seat in the corner, and plays with him on her lap. Their relationship is so natural and easy, and I'm happy Charlie has someone like her in his life. It's nice to see that I have done something right.
"Dad, can I talk to you for a sec?"
He doesn't have to contemplate, he takes a swig of his beer and says, "Let's go to my study."
It's just as I remembered it, with the same leather furnishings and pictures of family lining the walls and covering his desk. I stop and stare at an old photo of Seth and me. He must have been eight or nine at the time, and I must have been in kindergarten. It was taken at a park we used to go to near our school. Seth has his arm around me, towering over me at nearly a foot taller. He was so tan, and his jet-black hair stuck in all directions. I smile at the photo, reaching out to trace his features with my fingers. He looks so much like my mom, with his dark hair and brown eyes, where I must take after my dad. We were always opposites when it came to looks, but we were so similar, and even when we fought, we were still best friends.
"That's my favorite photo of the two of you," Dad says, ending the silence in the room.
"You used to take us to that park every weekend," I muse. "I don't know how you had the patience to have watched us play for hours."
"I love you guys," he shrugs, "I know you will feel the same way when Charlie is old enough to do that stuff."
"You're probably right," I chuckle, knowing how much I love to watch Charlie discover stuff for the first time. "He's actually the reason I need to talk to you."
Dad nods his head, urging me to continue. "I just need some paperwork to apply for benefits for him. Like his birth certificate, a copy of my guardianship agreement, and Seth and Kate's death certificates," I trail off.
Dad looks at me for a moment, his face drops into a frown and his eyebrows knit together in confusion. "Edward, you haven't received any benefits? I thought your mom gave you all that information? I told her to go over that stuff with you, since I have been so busy with work."
Dad's voice grows louder with each word and his face morphs into anger and irritation.
"She never spoke to me about it once, dad. I actually never even thought about Social Security and Charlie's benefits until Dr. Howell brought it to my attention."
Dad finishes off his beer and walks over to his safe. "I'm so sorry son, I knew I shouldn't have been so neglectful with this." Dad is fuming, loosening his tie, before opening his safe. He mutters under his breath as he picks through the pile until he comes across the documents I need.
"Fill these out as soon as you can. I need to talk with your mother. Excuse me," he says before briskly walking out of his study.
I look over the documents, happy to finally have them in my hands. When I see Seth's death certificate, my heart drops and I feel sick to my stomach. My feet begin to move, but I'm too far gone to gain control over my body. I end up in front of the photo of us as kids again. We are young, happy, and carefree. It's strange when you look at a photo of someone who is now deceased. You stare into their content face with the sickening feeling they had no idea what their future had in store for them. That little boy didn't know he would grow up to tragically die. I'm surprised when I feel wetness on my cheeks, I didn't even know I was crying. I leave the office, unable to be surrounded by memories any longer.
When I walk down the vacant upstairs hallway, I am in a daze, my mind still filled with thoughts of Seth. My dad's voice brings me back to reality. He is yelling, I have never heard him yell before. I hear my mom's voice as well, sounding defensive as usual. I follow their voices, as curiosity gets the better of me.
"Elizabeth how could you do that to him? How could you do that to your grandson? What the fuck were you thinking?"
"It must have slipped my mind, I'll make it right. You know how much I love them." Her voice sounds so artificial. "Let's not fight."
Dad is silent for a long time. I can imagine him standing speechless, contemplating what to do next.
"Carlisle? What is it?" I hear mom ask.
"You're beautiful," he says in what sounds like resignation, "and you've always been so determined. You're so cautious, but you're not strong, and I don't think you are really giving. Do you love me? Really love me? I have given up so much for you, for our family…"
"I feel the way I always have," mom answers.
"It would have been alright, if Seth hadn't died. You can't handle the mess of losing your child, and you can't pull it together to hold on to the one we have left. When Seth died, it's as if the best of you died with him...I don't know what to do anymore Elizabeth."
"Carlisle…" she begins, I can hear her sob.
"Let me just think about this Beth, just let me think."
A/N: So... what do you guys think? Carlisle was pretty scatterbrained at the end. But, who could blame him? Can't wait to read your guys reviews!
Song- "A Better Son/Daughter" by Rilo Kiley.