Huge thanks to Sherry and Paige for being the most wonderful Betas in the entire world :). Any mistakes in this chapter are mine!
"When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
And I wish I was special
You're so fucking special."
-Radiohead-
EPOV:
With a death certificate in hand, I know that denial is no longer an option for me. There is no greater feeling of sorrow, then tracing the letters of a loved one's name on an impersonal piece of paper that forces you to face up to the fact that you will never see, talk to, or laugh with this person ever again. I have been useless since we have returned home. Almost catatonic in the way I move around my apartment. Bella holds my sleeping baby in her arms, and I just exist beside her, my mind as blank as my expression.
"Do you want to talk about it?" she asks, with a voice that is soft and comforting.
What can I say? The one person in my life who had believed in me died? I'm silent for a long time, and Bella isn't intrusive at she sits by my side, resting her head on my shoulder to show me that she is there.
"Tonight, was rough," I say, enjoying the soft giggle I am rewarded with.
Bella kisses my shoulder before, pulling away to get a better look at me. One hand comes up to cup my cheek as the other reaches out to hold mine. I'm lost in her gaze, and it is as if all of my problems have faded away, even if it is only for a moment. Bella brings her lips to meet mine, and my entire body relaxes as the softness of her lips comforts me. She tastes so salty and perfect, and I want all of her, or at least, all that she is willing to give me. I moan against her mouth, and Bella opens her lips to allow my tongue entrance. I suck on her and close my eyes at the sensation of her tongue against mine. She is so perfect, and I can't believe she is mine.
Bella pulls away to breath, and I rest my hands on my lap to hide my erection. I know she isn't ready for thatjust yet, and I don't want to ruin anything with her by having sex too soon. I'm so used to just bagging girls that I don't know how to date one properly. It's best that I let Bella guide me with the physical aspect of our relationship, since this whole 'girlfriend' thing is so new to me. Of course, I haven't exactly asked Bella to be my girlfriend, but it certainly feels as if she is. I wish Seth was here, he was always so good about this stuff.
Bella is still recovering from our kiss, as Charlie stirs awake in her arms, looking up at both of us in an almost suspicious manner, as if he knew what we were doing inches away from him. He begins to cry and reaches out for me to hold him. He has always been so needy when it comes to me holding him, but I guess I kind of like it, it's good to feel wanted.
Charlie is fine now that he is resting on my shoulder, and Bella looks at us like we are the cutest thing she has ever seen. It's weird honestly, no one's ever looked at me as if I were 'cute' before. A grown man covered in tattoos doesn't exactly scream 'cute' to most people. At least, not the people I have encountered.
"He loves you so much," she muses, reaching out to play with Charlie's little feet.
"He said 'Da' today," I can't help but brag, feeling like a proud parent.
"Aw," Bella coos, "he must have been trying to say daddy! That's wonderful Edward."
"I have been saying 'daddy' around him," I have to admit, "Well, just today. I couldn't help myself and it just sounded right."
"Well, you are his daddy, Edward. You provide for him, you are there as his mentor, and you love him. That's what a daddy is, and I think you make a wonderful daddy."
Before I can stop myself, my lips are against hers once more and I pour every ounce of myself into the kiss. I express to her the words that I am too afraid to say aloud. It is Charlie and his fussiness, that pulls us apart. As soon as I break free of Bella, Charlie grabs at my chin and gives me a needy look. I have to laugh, before I finally grant him his wish and kiss his forehead. Charlie giggles and rests his head happily against my shoulder.
"See, Edward. He knows you are his daddy," Bella smiles, as she watches us.
"I thought I would hurt my brother in some way if I called myself that," I admit after a long time.
"Edward, I didn't get to meet your brother, but I'm sure he gave you custody so you could be Charlie's dad. He obviously knew you two would be good for each other," she points out.
As hard as it is to believe, I'm sure Bella is right. Why else would Seth make me his son's guardian if he didn't believe I would be a good dad? It's hard to imagine that Seth thought I would be good for his son. Especially considering how I had been before Seth died. I can't believe I have turned from a druggie, to a responsible dad within a few months.
"Thanks for saying that Bella." I love you.
Bella rests her head on my other shoulder, and nuzzles up to me just like Charlie. As we sit here in silence, I feel like a very lucky man. I stare at the tattoos on my arm, the two full sleeves I started when I was eighteen years old. I wish I had room on my arms to pay tribute to my brother. I would love to get some new ink as a memorial to him. One day, I could show that tattoo to Charlie and talk to him about his dad, the brother that I loved and lost.
Both arms are black and gray, and completed by the same artist, giving the pieces a nice uniformity and flow. One arm is a hyper realistic lion, surrounded by roses. Not something I would have chosen all by myself, but I let the artist use me as a blank canvas and never regretted the result. The tattoo was a bold and powerful one, and could symbolize so much that had been going on in my life. The other arm, was one intricate geometric tattoo. Multiple pieces come together to form one fantastic sleeve.
I kissed Bella's forehead and contemplate what I could do for Seth. My back is untouched. Mainly due to lack of funds, for I had countless tattoo ideas when I was younger. I'm thankful I had been too broke to ink my back, because now I can dedicate it to my brother. A kneeling angel has weighed on my brain. I've seen the tat before on others, and I could easily imagine it on my back. It would be such a great representation of how I feel about Seth, and how I am willing to serve him for the rest of my life, by being the father to his child.
"Bella, are you free tomorrow night? I have an idea."
With a photo in hand, I sit in the waiting room with Bella and Charlie until my artist is finished. Charlie seems to find the screams coming from a young girl funny, and giggles loudly and claps his hands every time the tattoo machine irritates her. I'm sure they don't see a lot of babies here, but there weren't exactly rules prohibiting it, so….
"I've always wanted a tattoo," Bella muses as she bounces Charlie on her lap.
"You should do it, you would look hot with a tattoo," I say without thinking. "Of course, you look hot now."
She blushes and smiles at me. "I always wanted a literary quote or something like that."
"Well, we can always come back," I promise her, knowing that I will want to come back if I ever have extra money like this again.
Dad had felt so bad about the Social Security situation, he wrote me a huge check that he said he would be offended if I didn't take. He insisted that I do something for myself with some of the money, and because I'm not too big on shopping, a tattoo for Seth seemed like the most appropriate thing.
After I fill out the paperwork and we head to the back to find my artist's station, my chest begins to feel tight and the muscles in my face clench as I feel my body become weighed down by my emotion. I never thought I would be getting a tattoo like this, I never thought I would outlive my brother. Because of my old lifestyle, I never thought I would live to be thirty. Every day that passed felt like the beginning of the end. Seth wasn't like me though, he had his whole future ahead of him and it had been violently ripped away in an instance.
"Are you feeling alright, Edward?" Bella asks as I pull my shirt off and lay down on the chair.
"Yeah, I'm fine," I say dismissively, not wanting to cry here. "Just hold my hand, okay?"
As we begin, I calm down under the sting of the needle. I love the pain and welcome it, the pain forces me to realize that I am alive. The monotonous feeling of the needle tapping my back and the sound of the machine, relaxes me. This is what Charlie must feel like when I sing him to sleep at night. The familiar feeling of the tattoo machine is like a hug from an old friend, and I'm so happy that I have made the choice to come here today.
Bella holds my hand, rubbing soothing circles on my palm and Charlie is fast asleep on her lap. Apparently, the excitement of the tattoo parlor was not something that could keep him awake. It has been a long day for my little guy, so I can hardly blame him. We arrived at three, started tattooing at three-thirty and it's nearing nine o'clock at night. I can't believe Bella stayed with me for so long and never grew restless. During one of my artist's smoke breaks, I asked if she wanted to go home with Charlie, but she insisted on staying to support me.
My back is numb by the time the tattoo is finished, and my exhaustion dissipates as soon as I get the chance to look at the piece in the mirror. It's incredible, beyond anything I had imagined. Black and gray like the rest of my tattoos, this piece takes up the majority of my back and the application is flawless. It's just as I wanted it, a kneeling angel with huge wings, with my brother's name underneath it. It takes Bella wiping my wet cheeks with a tissue, for me to realize that I'm crying.
"It's perfect," I say quietly, as I stare at my reflection.
It conveys everything I wanted it to and I leave the shop feeling as if a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I've moved from denial of his death, to acceptance and I finally feel at peace. I know the road ahead will be difficult, but now that I have finally accepted my reality, I know I can face it head on.
"Thanks for staying with me Bella. You don't know how much that meant to me."
Bella smiles, and says, "It was nothing, I love being there to comfort you. I'm just happy you wanted me to be a part of that."
I want her to be a part of everything in my life. Suddenly, I realize, there is still a question I need to ask. I want her to know just how much she means to me and I'm tired of being afraid. I feel strong and empowered and I know now that there is no time like the present.
"Bella, I know I should have asked you this so much sooner, and I almost feel silly asking you now," I ramble on, feeling very young all of the sudden. "I think of you as my girlfriend and I constantly refer to you as my girlfriend. I guess, I just wanted to ask if you wanted to be my girlfriend?"
Real fucking smooth Cullen! What are you, twelve? Jesus, that was bad.
Bella giggles at me for a moment, not that I could blame her after the way I just rambled on and on like a hormonal teen.
"Of course, Edward," she says with a pretty laugh. "I would love to be your girlfriend."
Bella is my girlfriend! What the hell did I do to get so lucky?
Charlie will be receiving his benefits soon and Bella has agreed to become my girlfriend, these past two days have seen so much progress. Tonight, I fall asleep for the first time with a real hope for my future.
A/N: I've posted some photos of what I imagined Edward's tattoos would look like on my Facebook! I'm Lizzie Lee (Highlander Princess) on Facebook so send me a request so we can be friends.
Song- "Creep" by Radiohead