Here is a short update for you guys! Thanks to my lovely betas Paige and Sherry! You girls rock my world. Any mistakes are mine.
"And if I only could
I'd make a deal with God
And I'd get him to swap our places
Be running up that road
Be running up that hill
Be running up that building
See, If I only could."
-Placebo-
EPOV:
Therapy has been a slow progression. Although it feels as if I have had a revelation, coming to terms with Seth's death, it still feels as though I just can't break through the walls I have built. Howell is patient, and thoughtful as he listens to me ramble, but I have to wonder if I'm making good use of our time together.
"You seem more at peace with yourself," he comments, after a long while of watching me ramble.
He always pushes me to express myself, so much so, that it is annoying at times. Today he sits back and watches me with a curious expression. I consider that the changes in me could be visible in more ways than one.
"I feel better," I admit, as I stare at my hands. "I finally have all of the paperwork I need for Charlie."
"That's good," he comments, obviously wanting to drag out more from me.
"I have a copy of my brother and his wife's death certificates," I say, answering his unspoken question.
"I bet that was a difficult thing for you to see," he says conversationally.
I sit in silence for a moment, remembering the feel of that dreadful piece of paper in my hand. "I was so angry at first," I begin before I realizing I was even speaking. The words flow out and I don't have the strength to stop them. "I was so fucking angry. I didn't want to admit to myself that I was, but I just remember wanting to scream, 'Why him?' I was the fuck up, I was the one who disappointed my family, I was the one with no future...Seth had everything I didn't and I don't know why he would be the one to die. I wish it was me. Charlie would have his dad, mom would have her favorite son, Seth would have a future with a family who loved him.
Then, I was depressed, finally having to accept for the first time that my brother was gone. Sure, I was at his funeral, but I was too screwed up to look in his casket. Mom was crying, dad sat silently at her side with Charlie in his arms, and I was outside with a cigarette in my mouth, punching the brick wall of the funeral home. I didn't know how in denial I was, until I held that piece of paper. Seeing his name...seeing the date of his death. It just fucked me up."
"Are you still angry?" Howell asks me.
"No, not anymore," I say, completely resigned. "I have too much to worry about to go around feeling angry all of the time."
"That's right, you have a child to look after," Howell prompts me.
I nod, staring out the small window in his office. "Charlie has changed my life," I say honestly.
That baby has already transformed me into a man I never thought I could be. "So, has Bella," I murmur, mentioning her name for the first time to Howell.
"Bella?" He questions, prompting me like usual to tell him more. "Is that a girlfriend?"
"Yes, our relationship is new. Very new actually. I asked her to be my girlfriend a few days ago."
"That's great, Edward," Howell says, giving me a small, but impressed, smile. "I'm glad you have someone to talk to."
"She's my best friend," I am happy to admit. "She is so understanding, caring, and thoughtful. I don't know what I did to deserve a girl like her."
"You really care for her then?"
"I love her," I say without hesitation. "I'm not ready to tell her just yet, but I know I do."
"That's wonderful, Edward. Do you think you would be able to love her, if you were the man you said you once were?"
I consider this for a long time. Could I love Bella, back then? The real question is, would I be readyto love Bella in the state I was once in. I had been horrible, and I had hated myself. I proved that every day, when I had been completely unconcerned with my own welfare. I couldn't have loved her then, because I would have refused to drag her down with me. I want to say that I would change for her, but change happens internally, and I can't say that I would have wanted to change for myself.
"I would have wanted to. I know I would have been desperate to love someone like her, but, my vision had been so clouded and I had hated myself. I don't think I would have ever been able to change for anyone."
"Nonetheless, you've changed and you're seeing yourself clearly it seems. That's it for today, I want to ask you to do some journaling for me. Just jot down whatever you feel. Also, I hope you are still considering those AA meetings. I know you feel strange about going, but it can be beneficial to talk to people who have also struggled with substance abuse and addiction."
I nod, considering it, before parting ways with Howell and make my way home. I suppose he could be right about the meetings. The only thing that holds me back from going is my pride. I don't want to admit to ever having a problem and I feel weak saying that I had once allowed drugs to control my life. On the other hand, I can see how talking to others that have struggled could help. As I drive home, I decide to look into it. What could it really hurt?
It doesn't take long for me to get home, and before I head inside, I decide to call my dad. After hearing his fight with mom, I've really wanted to spend some time with him. I've never seen him stand up to her, truly stand up to her. Sure, he has reprimanded her at times and they fought every now and then, but never had he gone off on her like that. Maybe he can finally see her as I do. Part of me hopes that isn't true because I know, first-hand, how heartbreaking that can be. Although, another part of me is glad he can see it.
When he answers my call, his voice sounds different on the phone, more somber and resigned. I've never heard him sound that way, although I can tell he is trying to mask it for my sake. We make plans for tomorrow after I get off work, and I hang up the phone with an uncomfortable feeling in my stomach. I know that my dad loves me, and would support me until the end, but I can't help but wonder how far he took things with my mother, and what on earth would make him sound like that.
A/N: Are you guys proud of his dad? I'll be doing a Carlisle POV soon! So, keep an eye out for that on my blog. Thanks, and please review!
Song- "Running Up That Hill" by Placebo