Huge thanks to Sherry and Paige for being the most amazing betas on Earth!
"A boy with a coin he found in the weeds
With bullets and pages of trade magazines
Close to a car that flipped on the turn
When God left the ground to circle the world."
-Iron & Wine-
EPOV:
Kate's parents live in a small, one story house, just outside the city. From the looks of it, it was designed in the 1970s and hasn't been updated since. It looks like something out of The Brady Bunch,and I have to chuckle when I see it.
I woke up this morning with enough time to have Charlie bathed and in his best outfit. I want to show Kate's parents how well I'm adjusting to being a father. I know the situation will look rough at first, but I'm sure once they dive a bit deeper and look beyond the surface, they will find that I'm a good fit. I've been giving myself a pep talk all morning, trying to build my confidence before being faced with two people I know will be judgmental. Not that they are judgmental people per se, but they're in a position where they have to look upon me with a critical eye. They lost their daughter and Charlie is all they have left. They wouldn't want to leave the little guy to just anyone.
Devon explained that his wife is sick. I wonder if Charlie would have been left with Cassandra and Devon if she had been healthy. Dad had assured me that I wasn't some plan B, that I was my brother's first choice to care for his child. Although, even now it seems unbelievable. I truly hope Kate's parents see in me whatever my brother saw.
"You okay, baby?" Bella asks, giving me a concerned look.
Now I notice how tightly I'm gripping the steering wheel. My knuckles are white and ache when I finally release my hold. I shake my hands out and rub my face-a nervous habit-and feel the pricks of hairs that I missed when shaving this morning.
"I'm fine," I say with an uncomfortable chuckle.
Bella rolls her eyes at me, but doesn't comment. She knows me too well to push me into saying anything else. She kisses my neck and gives me a reassuring grin. I hold her to me, until I feel ready to get out of the car. Bella slides out of her seat and moves to get Charlie, who has been babbling in the back the whole ride over here.
"Ga!" he exclaims as Bella unfastens his seatbelt and picks him up from his seat. "Ma ma ma! Ma ma!" Charlie exclaims with an excited giggle.
Bella's body stills and I can't see her face to read her emotions. I hope to God she isn't mad. Charlie is still smiling at her as she holds him away from her body. He calls her "ma ma" one more time before reaching out for her to hug him.
"Bella?" I question, growing worried.
I move until I can see her face, and I'm shocked to see that she's crying. I didn't expect this at all and I don't know how to react. Part of me wants to hold her in my arms and comfort her, and part of me is confused as fuck. Out of all the reactions I had planned for, this was not one of them.
"Ma ma!" Charlie giggles again.
Her posture is unchanged and I finally reach out for her. "Bella, talk to me."
She gives me a weak smile and holds Charlie close to her body, finally hugging him like he had begged her to. Tears fall from her big, brown eyes, but I no longer think they are tears of sadness or pain. She giggles, and kisses every inch of Charlie's face until he is squealing and laughing louder than I've ever heard him.
"Bella?" I ask again.
"I'm sorry," she says, with a teary smile. "I just can't believe he said that. I know he doesn't know what it means, but it's still crazy to hear him call me that."
"I'm sure he knows," I smile at her, so happy that she is happy.
"Where do you think he picked it up?" Bella asks as she gives our son little Eskimo kisses.
"Probably from Cyndy or something," I suggest, not wanting to tell her I'd been coaching him. "Are you okay with it? Are you okay with him calling you that?"
Bella's silent for a while, just looking at Charlie as he stares back at her with big, loving eyes. I can understand her discomfort about all of this, but who on Earth wouldn't want to have this boy?
Bella wipes the tears from her cheeks and answers, "I'm fine with it. I love him so much."
She's crying again, and this time I know they are tears of joy. "He loves you too, Bella." I love you too.
Bella smiles and kisses my happy son's face, telling him that she loves him. I listen, and fantasize about her saying those words to me. I know I have to tell her my feelings soon. If I go on much longer, I know I'm going to burst.
"Let me get fixed up," Bella says, as she hands Charlie to me and jumps in the passenger seat to fix her makeup.
She looks beautiful, like always, but I can understand that she doesn't want to meet two strangers looking as though she's been crying. I look toward the house and see a couple staring at us through the window. If I hadn't known who they were, there would be no way I would recognize them. The woman, Cassandra, looks a bit like her daughter, and is an inch or two taller than her husband. They look almost shocked as they stare at me. I don't know why, they've seen me before, granted I didn't have two full sleeves back then. I take a deep breath, already guessing how this visit is going to go.
"You ready?" I call out, as Bella finishes fixing her mascara.
"Yep," she says with a comforting smile as she jumps out of the car.
I reach for her hand, because I need her touch more than anything. As we walk toward the door, Kate's parents move from the window, in an effort to look like they hadn't been watching us. The front door opens before we can reach it and they give us a lukewarm welcome. I didn't expect much, but I had at least thought they would make small talk or some shit. They go right to Charlie, as if Bella and I weren't here.
"There's my grandson," Cassandra says with a smile. When she smiles, she looks like her daughter, but I can tell that past her looks, she isn't too much like Kate.
Cassandra reaches for Charlie, and I don't make an attempt to deny her, for he is her grandson after all. I wonder what sort of relationship they had with Charlie before Seth and Kate died. I wonder if they were really close, or if they barely saw Charlie at all. When I pass Charlie off to her, he begins to cry and kick his legs.
"Da da!" He wails as he reaches for me.
"Buddy, it's your grandparents," I say, in an awkward but comforting tone.
"You don't remember me?" Cassandra asks. "It's Nana, Charlie."
Charlie calms down and stares at her with curious eyes. I don't know if he would have remembered her, but I'm sure that deep down he knows her. Devon steps forward and greets his grandson. His eyes are tired and weak. I know this must be difficult for him. Charlie has to be a reflection of his daughter and a reminder that she is gone. I look away, feeling like an intruder on their special moment. They invite us inside, but kind of leave Bella and me standing at the front door like an afterthought.
The afternoon starts off with them practically ignoring us. Which, on some levels I do understand. It's been months since they've seen their grandson and I'm sure they want to focus all of their energy on him, but on the other hand, it feels almost rude. Bella and I are nothing to them, but I thought they would at least show some interest in us. Charlie seems happy with them, and I know that they must have been close at one time, but he constantly reaches for me, as if I was the one that he missed.
When they finally do turn their attentions to me, it isn't exactly pleasant. Suddenly, I feel like I'm a teenager again, being reprimanded by every adult in my life. I hated it back then, and I hate it just as fucking much now. I try to tell myself that they are only asking these questions and digging into me, because they have Charlie's best interests at heart. If that were true, at least it would be a good reason. I feel like so many people rip into others because they're unhappy with the choices they made in their own lives, and now that they've reached the end of the road, they have to be condescending to others just so they feel better. God, I hope I'm never like that. I couldn't imagine treating someone like shit just for the hell of it.
Bella holds my hand as they practically cross-examine me and speaks up for me every now and again. I appreciate her, but I can speak up for myself. I answer all their questions, assuring them that I do have a job and a decent apartment. They seem skeptical, but don't say anything. It's not what they say, or the questions they ask, it's more the tone they use when they speak. I tell myself once again, that it's just because they lost their child. I can't even wrap my head around how fucked up I would be if I lost Charlie.
"I'm sorry I didn't get in touch with you sooner," I say, trying to extend an olive branch, in hopes that they will lighten up a bit.
"I understand," Devon answers, this time his tone is softer than before. "You've been busy."
"Yeah," I agree, not knowing what else to say. "I'm so sorry about Kate."
As soon as I say her name aloud, I wish I could take it back. The silence in the room becomes painful, and Charlie begins to cry in his grandmother's arms. She is staring off into space, as if none of us were in the room with her. I reach for Charlie, taking him from her, but she doesn't move and doesn't seem to notice. She and her husband must never talk about their daughter, because the mere mention of her has caused them both to freeze in their seats. Bella gives me a nervous smile and Charlie is still crying in my arms. As I think about Kate, the daughter they lost, and the mother, Charlie will never know, I begin to tear up as well, because the thought of Charlie not knowing his parents will always be painful. I can understand their pain, I am familiar with the feeling of loss. They lost their daughter and I lost my brother, who was more than just a brother, he was my best friend.
As if breaking the spell, Devon speaks and it seems to bring Cassandra back to life at his side. "Thank you, Edward. We're sorry about your brother. Seth was the son we never had."
And they lost them both.
"Thank you, Seth was my best friend. I'm just happy he gave me Charlie," I say, looking down at the little boy in my arms. I feel all choked up just looking at him, knowing that he is all that I have left of Seth.
Our visit with Devon and Cassandra have left them exhausted and heartbroken. Apparently, seeing Charlie didn't have the effect they had imagined it would. It only reopened wounds that were not fully healed. The drive back to our hotel is quiet and my mind is occupied with thoughts of my brother. Images from the past flash through my brain, before my mind settles on the very last image I have of him. I remember seeing him after he returned from his honeymoon, he was tanned and happy. I'm glad that was the last time I saw him. He wasn't able to have an open casket at his funeral, and I was glad, because I wasn't sure if I could bare it. Just thinking about him and Kate, reminds me of how fucking fragile life is. Everyone we know will die some day and we can never take them for granted. I don't know what I would do, if I hadn't had the chance to tell my brother I loved him. I'm so thankful for his last phone call, I'm so thankful those were the last words I said to him. "I love you too, brother."
I know that I need to tell Bella how I feel. God forbid something happened to her, and I never got to say the words to her. Or what if I died tomorrow, and she never knew how I felt? As scary as it is for me to express my emotions, I know that it is more scary not to.
It begins to rain, which is so perfectly fitting, as we drive back. The rain drenches us as we run from our car to the hotel. Charlie enjoys it, and giggles as the droplets hit his cheeks. As soon as we make it past the hotel doors, and make our way to our room, I begin to rehearse the words in my head."I love you." "I love you, Bella." "I don't think a day will go by where I don't love you."
"Should we grab dinner somewhere close when the rain stops?" Bella asks, as we enter our hotel room.
With Charlie in my arms, I stare at her, willing the words to come to me. Her smile falters, and she stares back at me with a very confused look in her beautiful brown eyes. I'm sure I look ridiculous, drenched and standing silent in the middle of the floor, allowing water to drip everywhere. I take a deep breath and place Charlie in the center of the bed before walking toward her.
"What is it, babe?" Bella asks, her voice sounding worried.
I reach out to gather her hands in mine. "I was just thinking in the car about my brother and everything. I was thinking about how fucking fragile our lives are and how I'm so glad I told him how I felt before...before what happened," I stutter out. I take one long breath before continuing, "I was so happy that I told him I loved him." I pause again. "Bella, I love you. I love you so fucking much and I don't want to go another second without you knowing. I loved you when you were just my friend, I love you as my girlfriend, and I'm certain my feelings toward you will last forever." I pause again and omit a nervous chuckle as she continues to stare at me. "I just wanted you to know."
Bella's eyes tear up and she rewards me with a smile before throwing her arms around me. "I love you, too," she whispers in my hair.
My entire world stops and I'm so happy I can barely breath. She loves me. This beautiful, perfect girl loves me, and I will spend the rest of my life showing her just how amazing she truly is.
A/N: I seriously cannot wait to hear what you guys have to say! So much happened in this chapter and I couldn't wait to post it! Hope you enjoyed.
Song- "Boy With a Coin" by Iron & Wine.