Thanks, Sherry and Paige for being incredible like always. I couldn't do this without you two!
"Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change the less you feel
Believe, believe in me, believe
That life can change, that you're not stuck in vain
We're not the same, we're different tonight
Tonight, so bright
Tonight"
-The Smashing Pumpkins-
EPOV:
Sleep has become harder and harder to come by. During the day my body aches, my mind can't keep up with my actions, and my eyes feel as though they could close and never open again. Yet, despite all of this, I manage to lay awake in bed for hours, staring into the dark void of semi-consciousness as I rest my head on Bella's breast. When the sun begins to rise, my eyes finally manage to close. Only to open an hour or two later when I have to go to work.
It's been a week since my relapse, a week since I found out the truth about my life. I've been fucking pathetic lately, moping around the house like some lost child. Bella hasn't commented on my behavior, or lack thereof, instead she's been quietly supportive at my side, waiting for me to get to a place where I feel ready to move on to acceptance. It's been a fucking week, and yet, I don't feel an ounce better. Time has been continuing on without me, and I feel utterly lost.
I come and go like a zombie. Sleep an hour, go to work, come home, eat, lay in bed until I fall asleep again. Bella is an angel, taking care of me when I can't take care of myself. I'm not sure what Charlie and I would do without her. Charlie. Just thinking about him makes me feel so fucking guilty. I've been a shadow of myself, and Charlie has spent so many nights crying in my arms when I'm unable to reciprocate any of the love he gives me. I want to get better, I want to be the man Charlie and Bella deserve...but, it's just so hard.
I have an appointment with Howell tomorrow, I should have seen him sooner, I just wasn't ready yet. I've spent all day trying to understand my feelings, trying to pull myself together to no avail. I've been silent since returning home from work. Bella's made dinner and taken care of Charlie, and I've just been sitting on the couch like a complete fucking asshole.
"Are you sure you don't want to eat something, Edward?" Bella asks quietly, standing next to the couch with a plate in her hand.
I don't look at her, I don't want to see how disappointed she looks. Charlie begins to cry, causing Bella to return to the kitchen and leave me be. She returns with him in her arms and sets him down on my lap as I stare aimlessly at the TV.
"Edward, please snap out of this, your son needs you."
I wrap my arms around him, bringing him close so I can feel his heartbeat against my chest. The sound has always been so reassuring. His cries slow down and then cease entirely. I'd forgotten how good it feels to hold him like this. If anyone can pull me from my depressive state, it's my little boy.
"Da da," he gasps, followed by a small hiccup.
I smile at him, finally finding it within myself to be responsive. "That's right, daddy's here," I whisper in his ear, finding myself smiling for the first time all week.
"Da da!"
"That's right, buddy," I grin, tears fill my eyes as I finally begin to feel again. I've felt nothing but numbness all week. "Daddy's here, and daddy loves you."
Charlie grabs my thumb and pulls it toward his mouth and bites down. I make a face at him and he giggles, and I laugh too. Bella returns with a cup of tea and a smile on her face. She watches us for a moment, looking more relaxed than I have seen her in a while.
"You want to join us?" I ask, gesturing to the open spot on the couch.
She sits down next to me with her cup of tea in hand, resting her head on my shoulder as she gazes down at our baby. It feels so good having her close. Moments like these are ones I never want to forget. There is no true comfort like the comfort of being safe at home surrounded by people you love. Regardless of the situation with my dad...with my mom...Charlie and Bella are my family now.
"Thank you, Bella."
She gives me a smile, as if I were being funny or some shit like that. She is so adorable.
"For what?"
"For being here," I say simply. "I don't know how I would do any of this without you." I'm getting choked up again. I never used to cry, but this last week has had me crying multiple times like a fucking baby. "I love you, Bella. So much."
Through my watery eyes, I can see that she is smiling. "I love you too, Edward." I'm out of breath and at a loss for words, there is no way to describe how fucking happy this woman makes me.
"I'll love you forever," I promise her. "I'll spend the rest of my life showing you that, if you let me."
What am I doing? Proposing to her? It's much too soon, and yet it feels so fucking perfect. I want her to be mine, I need her in my life, and I know I can't live without her. I turn my head to look at her, in the dim light of the living room. Her beautiful face doesn't have an ounce of makeup on it, showing her natural beauty and pretty pale skin, her hair is on top of her head in a messy bun, and she's in her cute, but worn Disney pajamas. Never has a woman looked more perfect. I want to make her mine forever.
"Ma ma!" Charlie squeals with a giggle.
Yes, she is his mommy and I hope that one day that title will be hers officially. But first, I know what I have to do. I don't know if I want to jump into marriage, because I feel so lost; I don't know who I am, I don't know my true family, my brother is gone and I've been thrown into fatherhood. Sometime during my efforts to find myself, I found her.
"Why are you looking at me like that?" Bella giggles, before giving me the softest of smiles.
"You're so beautiful," I tell her, because it's the truth.
She smiles at this and reaches up to run her fingers through my hair. "You are too."
I stare at her as if I'm seeing her for the first time. This is the woman I want to marry. This is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.
"What are you thinking?" She asks, breaking the silence.
"I'm thinking how I want you to be mine forever."
She smiles, reaching up to cup my cheek as she stares into my eyes.
"Would you?" I ask.
"Would I what?" She questions, breathlessly.
"Would you be mine forever?"
She stares at me a moment, her gorgeous, brown eyes filling with tears. She nods her head and rises to bring her lips to mine. They are salty and sweet, and feel like velvet. I could never get enough of this, I could never get enough of her.
"I'm yours," she tells me, before kissing me again.
I'll see if she truly means that soon enough. As she pulls away, I look down at her left ring finger, noticing how empty it looks all of a sudden. How will other men know she's taken if I don't stake my claim? She's mine already, body and soul, and I want her bound to me in every possible way. Jesus Christ, Cullen! When did you get so fucking sappy? I suppose having a wonderful son and an amazing woman will do that shit to you. I'll take Charlie with me to Howell tomorrow, then maybe afterward I can find the perfect ring for my girl. Something subtle, yet strikingly beautiful, so it's just like her.
If she says yes to me, I'll be the happiest man on the fucking planet. I'll show her every day how much I love her and just how much she means to me. I'd give her the world and expect nothing in return, because that's what I believe love is.
A/N: Thoughts? Until next time…
Song- "Tonight, Tonight" by The Smashing Pumpkins