Thanks to my betas, Paige and Sherry, for making this story possible!

"Disarm you with a smile

And leave you like they left me here

To wither in denial

The bitterness of one who's left alone

Ooh, the years burn.

I used to be a little boy

So old in my shoes

And what I choose is my voice

What's a boy supposed to do?

The killer in me is the killer in you

My love

I send this smile over to you."

-The Smashing Pumpkins-

EPOV:

"Do you think you're capable of forgiving your father?" Howell inquires, in a voice that is not intrusive or judgmental.

I've told him everything, poured my heart out to him and allowed him to watch me bleed. I hate feeling so exposed and vulnerable. I hate the way my parents' actions have caused me to feel. They were supposed to love and protect me, but instead, they lied to me for my entire life. I thought I'd found myself, but at times such as these, I wonder if I've ever known who I truly was. My past feels so foreign to me now and filled with unanswered questions. Part of me wants to search for answers, and part of me is frightened by what I could find. I want the courage to be able to look at things for what they truly are, but the coward in me wonders if I'll be able to be happy once I know the truth.

I ponder Howell's question. Can I forgive my father? I think about unconditional love and want to be able to practice it, but at the same time I'm filled with so much fucking anger. If he loved me, how could he lie to me? Every day he went without telling me the truth, was a fucking lie. My entire life has been a lie because of him. He's forgiven me for so much though, so I feel like I owe him this. However, my saying that I forgive him, and truly feeling it are two different things. How ironic would it be for me to lie about forgiving him for lying, just to ease my own pain?

"I want to," I answer honestly, as I stare at Charlie, who is sucking quietly on his thumb as he sits in his car seat.

"What is holding you back?"

"He didn't tell me the truth about my mother!" I raise my voice in disbelief. Does he really have to ask me that after all I've told him. My dad fucked me over, whether it was intentionally done or not.

Howell nods his head at my fair assessment of the situation. "Nevertheless, you want a relationship with him?"

Of course, I do. Despite what he's done, he was a great father. He has his faults, but don't we all? "Yes," I answer his question.

"Then, you're going to have to forgive him at some point. You can't harbor this anger towards him," Howell reasons.

I don't know if I'm strong enough for this. I want to be strong, I want to forgive him and go back to feeling the way I once had about him, but things have changed. He was the one person I really looked up to, the one person who I always knew cared about me. Even when I didn't want to accept his love, I knew it was there. I just can never seem to do the right thing. Even when I try so hard...I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. I put so much effort into being a good man and I'm always coming up short. Why can't I win for once? There is a part of me that believes that if I were a better man, I would be able to understand his faults and forgive him. I must be a fucking asshole, because I can't seem to find it within myself to do so.

I am fucking angry. I'm filled with anger. I just want to fucking hit something until my knuckles fucking bleed. Even then, I know that the pain will still be simmering inside of me. Now that my depression has lifted, all I can feel is anger toward my dad. I hate feeling this way. I'm so fucking scared that I'll end up losing myself if I don't gain control soon. I don't want to become my old self. That one drink showed me just how easy it would be to return to my old life. That one drink caused me to become a zombie, passing through each day like time meant absolutely nothing. If it weren't for my son and my beautiful girlfriend, I'd be fucking drowning.

"I just need time," I finally say. "I don't feel ready to let this go. I can't seem to move past this."

I've erected a wall so I can fucking protect myself. I used drugs and alcohol to fight my demons in the past. They were the greatest means to escape reality, even if only for a little while. Every pill I swallowed, every drink I downed, and every bit of powder I snorted was like a greeting from an old friend. Having to deal with my demons completely sober, is the most difficult thing I've never done. It's easy to avoid vices when things are going good, but when things become difficult it feels nearly impossible. I look to the baby sitting in his car seat at my side. He pulls his thumb away from his mouth and gives me a small smile. He's my reason to stay sober, him and Bella, and I pray to fucking God, that is all I need. I take Charlie out of his car seat, needing to feel the warmth of him in my arms.

"Edward," Howell says, "you're doing very well. You should feel proud of yourself. Would you have been able to handle this situation the same way when you first arrived home?"

I knew I wouldn't have been able to stand it. I would have crumbled if I found this information out then. Now, I have Bella and my son, a family that means the absolute world to me. I wouldn't be seeking help if it weren't for them. They give me something to live for.

"I would have handled it completely differently," I admit in a small voice.

"Then you should feel proud of your progress, Edward."

"I know." Self-loathing just feels so much more natural. "I need to talk to my dad. I know that there is more to this story, I'd been too angry to let him finish."

"Talk to him. Hearing the truth, no matter what it may be, can be very freeing."

I want to know exactly what he thought he was 'protecting' me from. What could have possibly been so bad that years of mental abuse paled in fucking comparison? My mom, Elizabeth, I suppose I should call her now, had treated me like a rotten fucking step-child my entire life. Now, I can see why. I wasn't hers, and she would have been reminded of my dad's indiscretion every single time she looked at me. Knowing that almost makes me want to go easier on her, but she had been such a bitch to me. I might not have been her flesh and blood, but I was a child, an innocent fucking child who wanted to be loved by his mom. Just thinking about it makes me fucking angry, because anger feels more controllable than despair.

Why had my dad subjected me to that for so long, had he truly not seen it? Had he really been that blind? Of course, he was away for work quite a bit, maybe to escape from Elizabeth. When he was around, he would give me enough love to make up for Elizabeth's lack of warmth toward me. Yet I had wanted a mom, and I never felt like I really had that with Elizabeth. Even on her good days, I knew she hadn't loved me, she had just been putting up with me.

"I want to get to know Esme." I'm surprised by this. I say it without a second thought. I want to know her and I want to understand why she left me.

"Then get to know her," Howell says simply.

I'll have to talk to my dad. I have no idea how to get in touch with her. Of course, I could dig up a phone book and search for her name, but it feels like such a strange way of getting in contact with my mom. My mom. God, it's weird to think of someone else filling that role. I don't think I'll be able to refer to her as my mom, because she hasn't ever truly been my mother.

I leave Howell's office feeling completely exhausted. While it felt good to tell someone about the pain I have been suffering from, it doesn't make me feel any less lost. I try to focus on something positive and do my best to let go of what I can't control. My past is completely fucked and I just want to focus on the future.

And my future is with Bella and my son.

A/N: I've been posting a lot of amazing manips of our tattooed daddyward on my Facebook page The Highlander Princess's Clan. Make sure to join and check them out .

Song- "Disarm" by The Smashing Pumpkins