Thank you, Sherry and Paige, so much! I could don' this without you two.
"Nothing left to say
And all I've left to do
Is run away
From you
And she led me on, down
With secrets, I can't keep
Close your eyes and sleep
Don't wait up for me
Hush now don't you speak
To me."
-The Smashing Pumpkins-
EPOV:
Esme is the first thing I notice. She looks so fucking elegant, with her perfectly styled hair and nice outfit, as she sits next to my dad. It's fucking surreal, seeing her now after discovering the truth. It's like looking at a completely different person. She's no longer some nameless stranger…she's my mom. My fucking mom! God, the thought makes me feel so fucking young, so fucking insecure. Bella tightens her hold on my hand as we walk toward the table in the back corner of the dimly lit café. With Bella at my side and Charlie in my arms, I know I can do this. Their love provides me with a sense of security, calming my body as it runs rampant with nerves.
Dad stands to greet us, but it seems Esme is too overwhelmed to do the same. She gives me a teary-eyed smile and I give her a stiff, awkward one in return before we take our seats. She's silent, as am I, and I wonder if she's nervous as well. I thought I would have been the only one to worry, but my nerves come from an entirely different place.
"Edward," Dad begins, his voice filled with discomfort for Esme and me, "This is Esme Platt…your birth mother."
As Dad begins with the uncomfortable introductions, I realize just how fucking bizarre our situation is. I can't begin to understand how I feel in this moment. He's introducing me to my mother, the woman who should be one of the most important women in my life, and the feelings I expected just don't come. I expected hostility, confusion, or even fucking crippling sadness. However, I feel nothing other than this strange fucking connection to her. A pull between my heart and hers. The sappy thought makes me feel fucking pathetic and uncomfortable, but it's true. She feels like my mother, if that's even possible.
"It's nice to meet you," I tell her, shifting uncomfortably in my seat.
I want to fucking scream at her like a teenager to make up for lost time, and yet, I also want to let her hold me like one would a small child, so I'd know that all of this will end up okay in time. None of this happens of course, instead I just remain silent in my seat across from hers, and give her nothing besides a curt nod as my dad continues to talk.
"This is Edward's fiancée, Bella Swan. They're newly engaged," Dad says with a proud smile.
Bella blushes, never liking being the center of attention, although she should be used to it by now, considering how I practically shower her with it. Gazing at my girl takes my mind off things for a fleeting moment. The calm her beautiful face brings is exactly why I brought her today. Nothing can compare to the satisfaction I feel when she smiles. Knowing that she's happy, is an indication that I'm doing something right.
Esme is watching my girl too, with a look of satisfaction on her face. There's an awkward pause, as if she's wondering what to say around me, before she smiles and tells Bella, "It's wonderful to meet you, Bella. Carlisle has told me so many wonderful things about you."
Bella blushes, and is happy to speak up since I'm cerebral and completely fucking lost in thought at her side. I go from being angry at my parents, to being thrilled to fucking have them, to being absolutely, mind-numbingly confused.
"Good things, I hope," Bella says with a pleasant laugh. "I've heard quite a bit about you as well."
Esme pales at this, knowing what could have been said is not all that flattering. However, what could I really say about her which was favorable? I just know her as the woman who left. Dad seems to notice her distress, and quickly shifts the conversation to something less fucking upsetting.
"Why don't you show us the ring Edward picked out. I'm curious to see what my son bought," Dad says, conversationally.
Bella smiles at me, before holding out her left hand to show them the ring. "Isn't it gorgeous, Edward picked it out all by himself."
I'm glad she truly likes the ring. She never really said anything about it and I was a bit worried that she thought my tastes were pretty fucking inferior. I know she deserves more, something sparkly with a nice diamond, but this is all I can afford.
"Well, I had Charlie's help," I joke as I reach down to tickle the little boy who is sitting happily in my lap.
"That's wonderful," Esme quietly says, as she stares at my girl in awe. I look at Esme, as her eyes drop to her lap and a blush warms her cheeks. She seems out of place and uncomfortable, yet, she looks so happy to be here. "I'm thrilled for you two, you're a beautiful couple."
I don't know what to say, it just feels so fucking strange to sit across from her, all things considering. I want to comfort her, for some odd fucking reason, but at the same time I can't bring myself to say anything that could put her at ease. She looks so young and unsure when it comes to dealing with me. It's unnerving to see.
"Thanks, Ms. Platt. I was lucky to find him," Bella says to her with a warm grin.
Ms. Platt sounds fucking strange, but I understand Bella's formality. What should we be calling her? Esme seems too…well, friendly I suppose, and I know I definitely can't bring myself to call her 'mom' just yet. Although, calling her something like 'Ms. Platt' seems too fucking formal, especially considering this is the woman who gave birth to me. Fuck, this whole thing is beginning to make me feel fucking antsy. I just want to run for the door. God, I feel like a kid and I fucking hate it. I know Charlie feels the shift in my mood, because he begins to fuss on my lap until I hold him against my chest.
"You can just call me Esme," she finally corrects her. "My mother goes by Ms. Platt," she jokes with a shy smile.
Her mother…I have an entire family I fucking know nothing about! Not only did I miss growing up with my biological mother, I'd been cut off from an extended family that could have loved me as well. All because my mom left and my dad had decided to fucking lie to me my entire life. I make every effort to forgive them, but it's fucking hard, and the knowledge of everything I missed out on is so fucking upsetting.
"So, have you two thought about setting a date?"
Bella and Esme make small-talk, as I sit back in silence with Charlie in my arms. I don't want to contribute to the conversation, despite wanting to get to know my actual mom. I just thought this would be a lot fucking easier, but instead, seeing her makes me freeze up and I don't know how to talk to her. I have so many questions, but I can't find it in myself to ask them right now. I want answers, I don't want to just play fucking 'catch-up', I want to know why I haven't seen her my entire fucking life. I want to know what made her give me up without a second thought. All my questions burn in my brain, but they don't escape my lips. The shock of seeing her might be too fucking much.
As Bella and Esme talk about random wedding plans, Esme shoots me glances here and there, as if trying to decide what to say to me. It looks like we both suck at communicating when it matters most. What can you really say to the child you abandoned? What can you say to the woman who left you behind? No wonder we aren't too fucking chatty. Thank God, I brought Bella along, otherwise we'd just be sitting here, fucking staring at each other, in an awkward silence.
"So, I hear Charlie's birthday is coming up," Esme says, directing her comment at me.
I sit up straighter in my seat and give her a curt nod. "He'll be one this December," I gruffly stated.
Esme gives me a small smile and leans forward in her seat. "He seems like a wonderful baby. You've done a great job with him, Edward."
Her warm smile causes me to feel uncomfortable. My chest feels fucking tight and a feeling I don't want to begin to describe floods my body and overwhelms my senses. Her words make me…happy. Happy and fucking confused at the same time. Hearing her praise makes me feel connected to her, although, I don't know her at all.
"Thanks. Charlie's pretty easy to take care of," I awkwardly explain.
Esme looks at Charlie, who is resting in my arms, and tells me, "Well, you make a great father."
I'm not used to being complimented like this. I shift uncomfortably in my seat and utter an awkward 'thank you'. I wish I could say the same, but I wouldn't know how she is as a parent. She must sense my unease, because she gives me a sad, but understanding smile before turning her attention back to my dad.
It feels shitty to not be able to express my emotions, but what can I really say? I don't want to start a fucking awkward conversation over lunch. At least, not with my girl and son here to witness it. Maybe I can try getting to know her as a person before I move on to getting to know her as my mom. Would that make things easier? At this point, I doubt anything would. I need to have a conversation about why she left. Did she leave me right away, or did she have me for a while before handing me over to my dad? She mentioned at Target that she used to read her son The Giving Tree, so I must have stayed with her when I was a baby. Something must have happened to separate us. I couldn't imagine anything that would cause a separation between Charlie and me. Nothing could ever cause me to leave him. I would fight for him every single fucking day. Why didn't Esme fight for me?
My Dad eases the conversation to another safe topic and spends the rest of lunch trying to engage me. I can't blame the man for trying, but I'm not feeling that fucking receptive. Esme smiles at me from time to time, causing me to feel guilty for not trying harder to talk to her. If I did open my mouth, I doubt she'd like what I had to say. I want the truth, not some sugarcoated version I'm sure Esme and my dad would fucking whip up. They've been lying to me my whole life after all. I know what I have to do and who I'll have to talk to if I want the facts. Elizabeth wouldn't care enough to spare my feelings. I haven't talked to her since her divorce from my father, and it's caused all of our issues to be completely unresolved. I know if I want to move forward, I'll have to deal with my past. Unfortunately, that means dealing with the woman I spent my entire life calling 'mom'. The fact that my dad allowed that to happen, is reason enough for me to go seek answers from her.
Dad pays for lunch and I'm thrilled it's fucking over. I have so much on my mind and now that I know what I have to do, I want to contact Elizabeth as soon as possible. She was part of all of this and I need to hear her side of the story. Esme walks beside me as we make our way to the parking lot, and I can tell that she is dying to talk to me. Maybe she and I are more alike than I'd originally thought.
"I would love to see you again, Edward," she says casually, although her words sound loaded as they escape her mouth.
I hesitate for a moment, before agreeing. "That would be cool. I'm free pretty much every weekend, just let me know a good time." God, I sound so fucking young whenever I talk to her.
"Next weekend would be good." She smiles at me. "We can grab a bite to eat and talk." She stops talking to stare at me, as if taking in my appearance for the first time.
"What?" I prompt.
"Nothing," she shakes her head with a wistful look in her eye. "It's just the last time I looked at my son, he was just a little baby. When I ran into you at Target, I had no idea who you were. I've been imagining your face ever since."
I give her an uncomfortable nod and slide my hands into my front pockets, leaning back against the car as Bella gets Charlie strapped into his car seat. "Well, everyone grows up. Do I look the way you imagined I would?" I just had to ask.
I expected her to say no. I doubt she pictured her little baby would grow up to become the man I am now. So, I'm shocked to watch her nod her head with a teary-eyed grin.
"You're exactly like I imagined."
I don't know if it's her voice, or her comforting words, but my entire body relaxes against my car. I always thought people liked me despite my appearance, but Esme seems as if she would like me no matter what I looked like. She's so fucking different than the motherly figure I'm accustomed to, that I don't know how to respond.
"Am I what you imagined?" She quietly asks.
I think for a moment, because I never had the chance to imagine anything as a child because Elizabeth was all I knew. Finally, I answer her, with the only response I know how to give.
"You're what I pictured, Esme," I say, because she seems like what a mother ought to be.
She smiles and I smile back. The world seems to come to a halt as I experience my first moment with my mom.
"Before you go, I have something to give you," she tells me as she fishes through her purse.
She hands me a photograph and takes a step back, giving me one last smile as she says, "I wanted you to have this. It's one of our first memories together. I stared at that photograph every day, but now I want you to have it."
She smiles, and hesitates for a moment, as if she was deciding on whether or not to embrace me, before giving me an awkward, but hopeful 'goodbye' before taking my dad's hand.
"Love you, son," he smiles, before he and my mom walk to his car.
I look down at the photograph and feel fucking lost. My eyes fill with tears and my heart constricts until it becomes fucking unbearable. It's my mom and me. She's sitting in a rocking chair by a large window, with me in her arms. I'm so little, I barely recognize myself. I trace her beautiful face with my finger, staring at the small photograph until it becomes wet with the few tears I shed. She looks so young here and so happy. Yet, there is something about her eyes, this melancholy look that makes me so fucking sad. I'm smiling in the photo, my little head nestled against her chest. As I stare at the picture I think, this is what love looks like. Is this how I look when I hold Charlie in my arms? I'm quietly fucking sobbing, with the photo in my shaking hand, as Bella comes to me.
"Edward? Baby, what is it?" She asks, in her soothing voice.
I hand her the photograph and put my face in my hands, trying to get fucking control of myself. I don't know why I'm crying. It's like the floodgates fucking opened, and all my emotions came pouring out. I feel embarrassed, but at the same time I feel fucking relieved. I needed to cry, I needed to feel something other than numbness.
"This is beautiful Edward," she muses as she stares at the picture. "You were such a cute little baby," she teases me, causing me to smile.
My crying has ceased, and I wrap my arm around my girl to bring her against my side. I inhale her scent and allow it to calm me.
"We can get a nice frame for this," she suggests as she wipes my tears off the picture.
I nod, liking the sound of that. Bella helps me into the passenger seat, because after today, I'm fucking useless. I look at the photo as we drive home. As I stare at her face, and then mine, I wonder what could have happened to cause our separation. She looked like she loved me. Emotion like that can't be faked. What would make her give me up? I hold onto the picture, as I rest my eyes, imagining what the few months of my life were like when I was with her.
A/N: So, no huge revelations yet. None of them were ready quite yet. Also, the photograph I talk about at the end was inspired by a manip I saw online. I posted it to my Facebook group The Highlander Princess's Clan.
Song- "Soma" by The Smashing Pumpkins. The entire Siamese Dream album is one of my favorites.