Thanks Paige for editing this chapter so quickly! Also, if everyone could keep my beta Sherry in their thoughts, that would be awesome! She isn't feeling well, so send some positive vibes her way.

"Complicate this world you wrapped for me

I'm acquainted with your suffering.

And all your weight

It falls on me

It brings me down

And all your wait it falls on me.

Hold me up to all whom you've deceived

Promises you break you still believe."

-Collective Soul-

EPOV:

"What do you think is holding you back?" Howell asks, leaning forward in his seat. "You say that you find it hard to be happy, but you also keep telling me how much you have to be happy about."

I shrug my shoulders, running a hand nervously through my hair, tugging it at the roots until I feel my scalp tingle before letting go. After a few months of weekly sessions, I still feel fucking exposed when I talk about my feelings. However, I don't dread it like I fucking used to.

I'm quiet, looking as if I were thinking about something, but I'm truly just staring off into space. I know why I'm not fucking happy. On the surface I'm fine, but down deep there's something eating away at me. It gnaws on me, begging for all my attention. Even when I am truly happy, there is this dark shadow looming over my shoulder, constantly following me everywhere.

"Since my brother's death, I just feel so fucking…guilty. I don't know how to describe it. I just constantly wish I could take his place. He had everything to live for and I had nothing. Charlie deserves his real dad and no matter what I give him, I'll never be able to fill that role. Seth should be here right now, not me."

I stop rambling and slouch against the couch, crossing my arms across my chest. It sounds so different when I voice my problems out loud. I know it's fucking absurd. I shouldn't feel guilty because there was absolutely nothing I could have done. I wasn't here to save him, as much as I fucking wish I was. I wish I could have been in that car instead of him.

"So, you feel guilty. Guilt is natural, but what could you have done?" Howell questions, always fucking pressing me.

"I wasn't here for him," I practically shout, growing fucking angry at myself. "I should've been here. I never should've left Washington, but I was so fucking selfish. My dad told me he died in the hospital. I thought he had died on impact, but he suffered for hours after the accident. Hours after his wife died in that car. If I were here, I would have fucking visited him. Do you know where I was?"

I don't give him a chance to respond. I can't control myself and I begin to grow fucking hysterical as I answer my own question.

"That night I was coked-up at some girl's house. I don't even remember her name. I missed all my family's calls and when I finally did answer my phone, my brother was dead. That shit sticks with you."

Howell gives me a sympathetic nod, but his face is strong and determined like it always is when he looks at me. I'm so glad he doesn't pity me, because I can't stand that fucking shit. I don't want to be pitied. He looks like he's about to say something, but my tirade is not finished, and I continue.

"And my brother's killer…well, no one seems to fucking know where he's at. That bastard, whoever they are, killed my brother and sister-in-law and drove away. They didn't even fucking care enough to stop!" I shout, my voice breaking as angry tears prick my eyes. "How can you do that to someone and fucking leave? That fucker took away my brother…took away Charlie's dad. You don't know how badly I want to get my hands on them."

Tears are trailing down my cheeks and I quickly wipe them away with the sleeve of my shirt. My breathing is rapid and my heart is beating so quickly I feel like I'm about to have a fucking panic attack. I'm silent as I put my head in my hands and try to control my breathing, and Howell is respectively silent as well. Allowing me time to cool off before he asks anything else.

When I can finally breathe easy again, Howell asks, "So, now you want to take your brother's killer on too?"

I shrug, feeling quite stubborn as I answer, "Maybe. I just want them to know what they've done."

I'm silent for a moment. My anger is clouding my thoughts and I can barely think. As much as I want to see that drunk driver brought to justice, I know that's not possible for me alone. I can't take on everything. Fuck, I can barely take care of myself and keep my own life in order at times.

Finally, I say, "No, I need to focus on myself right now. I know that none of this shit is possible. I can't track down his killer, and I can't go back in time and stop their deaths. It just haunts me every day though. I don't have to even think about it. It's just like this dark shadow that's glued to my side, constantly reminding me about what I've lost."

"Allow yourself to think about your brother and Kate. You never really had time to properly mourn their deaths. You became a parent overnight and had to transform your entire life. You should be proud of yourself for doing that," Howell says with a small smile. "It's healthy to mourn the loss of someone close to you. Take your time to heal. Healing is different for everyone."

The one thing I love about coming to Howell is that I always find comfort in his words. The session becomes lighter as he begins to question me about Charlie. Even when I talk about my son with a smile on my face, I'm still reeling from the realizations I had just moments before. There's so much for me to be angry about, I don't have the slightest clue how I manage to have a somewhat normal life. Fuck, if it weren't for Bella and my son, I would be hunting down the fucker who killed my brother and sister-in-law. I would make it my life's goal to bring Seth's killer to justice. While I want to see justice served, I can't fucking do it myself. I can only hope that one day karma will bite that piece of shit in the ass.

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I'm exhausted by the time I get home. As much as therapy helps, it pushes me to talk about shit I never want to even think about. Every time I get home from Howell's office, I just want to take a long fucking nap. Bella's always wonderful when I return, giving me time to cool off on my own and letting me come to her when I'm ready. She's just fucking perfect in that way.

When I get home today, I give Bella a quick kiss before dropping to the living room floor to play with Charlie. Playing with my son is so therapeutic after my sessions. His bright and happy face distracts me from all the pain I went through today. I pull him onto my lap and tickle his tummy, smiling at the sound of his laughter.

"Da da, no!" He shouts.

I smile, because this is the longest sentence he's strung together. Fuck, my son is so smart. I'm probably biased, but he always makes me so fucking proud of him.

Since Cyndy gave him her Pooh toy, Charlie's been glued to the thing. He never lets go of it. I've even had to pry it out of his little hands before I give him a bath, because he'll try to bring the stuffed animal into the water with him. He's been gnawing on the ear to the point that Pooh's ear is almost torn completely off. As soon as he pulls his mouth away from the toy, I pull his lower lip down and take a peek inside.

"Babe, he has another tooth!" I call out to Bella in excitement.

His first tooth practically went unnoticed because we were so fucking busy. It really made me slow the fuck down, because that was such a huge thing for him and I hadn't noticed. Since then, I've been watching Charlie all the time, as if he's going to change if I look away for a second. Every time I come home from work, I'm worried there will be something different about him. Bella always teases me, making me wonder if every parent is like this, or if I'm just the crazy exception.

"That's awesome," Bella says with a huge smile, as she rushes into the room.

Charlie's taken aback from all the attention, but then his face transforms into a huge grin as he abandons his toy and reaches out to Bella. She eagerly takes him into her arms and kisses his cheeks before looking inside his mouth herself. She smiles as she sees the other tooth, and touches it gently with her finger.

"He's growing up so fast," I say as I watch them.

It's fucking bittersweet. I want to see him grow up, and yet I want him to stay this way forever. My little Charlie. I can see his whole life ahead of me, and the feeling it causes is so fucking overwhelming. I'm going to make sure he has the best life and give him all the love I missed out on growing up.

"I know, he'll be a toddler before we know it," Bella says, seeming to have the same mixed feelings that I do.

I know she wants a baby of her own. Maybe when Charlie gets older, I'll give her one. Regardless of how the thought of a second kid fucking frightens me and sends chills down my spine. I'll do anything Bella wants, just because I fucking love her so much.

"I thought I'd start planning his party," she says, playing with him in her lap.

"That's great, babe," I say, as I lean back to watch them. "What were you thinking?"

"Just a small get together," she says with a shrug. "I'm not sure," she blushes. "Usually Alice has planned all the parties in my life. I've never planned one myself. I thought it could just be family and close friends. He loves Winnie the Pooh, so I thought I could make that the theme."

She's so fucking cute when she rambles like this. I can tell the party planning flusters her, but she loves Charlie and wants to do it, so I don't mention it.

"I thought about inviting Elizabeth," I say casually. This has been weighing on my brain since I left her behind so many weeks ago. Despite my history with her, she is Charlie's biological grandmother, and I can't deprive him of that relationship. It wouldn't be right. "She's Charlie's nana and I want to give her the option. Whether she comes or not is up to her."

Bella looks at me for a moment, before smiling and nodding her head. "I think that's a good idea. It's nice that you're giving her that option. I can't imagine she wouldn't want to see her grandson."

"I thought I'd give her a call soon. Maybe today, while I'm already in a shitty mood," I joke.

Bella rolls her eyes and giggles at me. "Babe, you might not want to call her if you're not feeling up to it."

"It's fine." I wave her off. "I just want to get it over with. I know it's best for Charlie."

As uncomfortable as it'll probably be, I want her there. I felt shitty enough when I thought about her having Thanksgiving dinner all by herself. Sure, she was a terrible mom to me, but she did have her reasons. I don't know if I can completely sympathize with her, but my feelings toward her have changed. As I watch my son, giggling in my girl's arms, I promise that I'll call her. He deserves to be surrounded by people who love him, and I'll let go of some of my residual anger and pride so he can have that.

"Da da!" He squeals, reaching for me to take him.

Fuck, I'd do anything for my son.

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After a relaxing dinner, I decide to call Elizabeth. It's still fucking weird to think of her as something other than my mom. Now, she's my dad's ex-wife. Everything is still so fucking raw for me and trying to adjust to all the changes in my life is so strange.

My pulse picks up as I listen to the phone ring. I can't deny the fact that I hope it goes straight to voicemail. I'm always so awkward about shit, so it's probably best if I just leave a short message and she can just get back to me if she wants to. It's not that I want to avoid talking to her…well, maybe that's a lie, but it's not because I hate her. I'm just so fucking tired and I don't know if I can deal with her if she wants to be difficult for whatever reason. Just as I'm about to hang up, she answers her cell.

"Edward?" She questions, in a voice that is tired and confused.

I'm honestly surprised she has my number saved to her phone. I hadn't expected that, I expected to have to awkwardly tell her who was calling, as if she hadn't fucking raised me and known me since I was a baby.

"Elizabeth, what's up?" I ask, before cringing at my fucking awkwardness.

What's up? That's how you want to start a conversation with the woman that was your 'mom' until you found out you were the result of an affair? Shit, this situation is awkward enough to begin with. Why not make this conversation fucking awkward as well?

"Sorry," I begin again, making sure she is still listening before I continue. "I just wanted to call and invite you to Charlie's birthday party. He's turning one."

Wow, Cullen. She knows that you idiot.

"When's the party?" She asks. While her voice is casual and mostly monotone, I can detect a hint of happiness in her tone. She must be glad I reached out to her.

"It's December 16th," I tell her.

I can't decide if I really want her to be able to make it. Part of me hopes she blows it off, just because I know how awkward it'll be to have my mom, my dad, and her all in one room. Not that my parents would start anything at Charlie's birthday party, and despite how fucking dramatic Elizabeth can be, I'm not sure she would start anything either. Maybe I should remind them to all be on their best behavior. Because the focus is on Charlie and not all of their problems.

"I'll have to look at my calendar," she says hesitantly.

She must want to come. It is her biological grandson after all. Charlie is all she has left of Seth. That reason alone is why I realized I couldn't completely cut her off. As much as I wanted her out of my life for good, doing that wouldn't be fair to her or Charlie. She is his grandma after all.

"Well, I hope you can make it. Charlie will want you there," I say, hoping this will convince her.

"I'll try, Edward. I'll see what I can do."

I guess this is as good as it's going to get with her. She doesn't sound the least bit enthusiastic about seeing her grandson. I guess I should've fucking expected this shit. I reached out to her, so I guess my job is now done. If she wants to take the fucking olive branch, that's her choice. I can't make it for her.

"That's all I ask," I finally say.

Instead of saying something traditional like, 'thanks for calling' or 'it was nice talking to you'. She says, "Is there anything else you needed?"

I smile at this, because she's just like I remembered her. Beautiful and extremely detached from everything and everyone around her. I guess being fucking foolish is the best thing a woman can be in her position. It's hard to face reality when reality fucking sucks.

"No, I only called to tell you about Charlie's party."

"Well," she says, sounding flustered all of a sudden. "I've got to go, Edward."

"Goodbye, Elizabeth," I say, as she hangs up on me.

A/N: I know you guys don't like Elizabeth, but Charlie is her grandson…so, Edward had to at least invite her.

Also, thanks to everyone who voted in my poll on my FB group. This week we'll have an outtake of Carlisle asking Elizabeth for a divorce on my blog!

This story has ten more chapters planned. I can't believe it! They will be big chapters, just warning you! Before these next ten huge chapters…I just want to say a big thank you to each and every one of you! I'm overwhelmed by the response this story has received and I'm so happy that so many of you have connected with it! Thanks to everyone who has reviewed, followed, and favorited this story. Your support means the world to me!

Song- "Heavy" by Collective Soul.