Thanks Sherry and Paige once again for editing this!
"I am thinking it's a sign
That the freckles in our eyes
Are mirror images
And when we kiss they're perfectly aligned.
And I have to speculate
That God Himself did make
Us into corresponding shapes
Like puzzle pieces from clay."
-The Postal Service-
EPOV:
The new year brings all the chaos of moving. These past few days have been…perfect. Such a stark contrast from this time last year. I finally feel settled in my new life. I've finally accepted that my past is in the past and the next chapter of my life is here. It feels fucking refreshing, I can't remember the last time I've been so optimistic. Granted, in the past there wasn't really anything to be optimistic about.
The funny thing about drugs and alcohol is the way you perceive time, it's so different than someone who is sober. When you're trashed or high off your ass, you don't really think about school, or work, or even your family, mostly, you don't think about the future. The only thinking ahead I did was trying to figure out how I would get my next fix. I never had anything to be optimistic about because I didn't have anything in my life to fucking care about. Now, for the first time, I can look toward the future with a smile.
All the darkness from my life is slowly creeping away and is being replaced with an overwhelming happiness that I'm fucking fearful will end. Even when I'm at my happiest there's still this part of me that fears the world around me will come crashing down once more. Is it like this for everyone who's lost someone they've loved?
"Edward?"
I turn to see Bella standing in the doorway of our now empty apartment. She looks as exhausted as I feel. We've been packing up the rest of our stuff all morning and saying goodbye to the apartment where our life together began. There are so many amazing memories that were created here. I'm going to fucking miss this place. It's fucking weird, knowing that once I close this door behind us, we'll never be coming back here.
"Charlie's in the car. Just wanted to come up and see what was keeping you."
I smile at her, and walk across the empty room to give her a quick kiss on the lips. "I'll be down in a minute. I'm just going to walk around the apartment one more time to make sure we didn't miss anything."
Bella gives me an incredulous look, but refrains from commenting. I'm sure she knows I just want to say goodbye to this place. She kisses me once more on the cheek before stepping back to take another look at the apartment herself.
"I'll be in the car." She smiles and walks out of the apartment.
I turn around and sigh. It's weird seeing this place without the furniture, pictures, and Charlie's toys scattered about. I'd forgotten how fucking big it is. Seeing it so bare and impersonal tugs at my heartstrings. Moving is fucking bittersweet…any ending is. Every time you move forward in life, you have to leave some stuff behind. Fuck, even when I quit jobs I hated I still felt this strange sort of melancholy, because when something is over you don't focus on the bad times anymore, you focus on all the great things you are going to miss.
I walk through the apartment, taking everything in and committing it to memory. I look in my bedroom where I've made love to Bella countless times, I look around the living room where we made so many memories together as a family, and I finally stop in my son's bedroom. I stand still, completely captivated by the feelings this room stirs inside of me. The nights I spent holding him in my arms as I rocked him back to sleep, the hours I spent during the day reading stories to him, and all the times he would play with me and call me 'da da', flash through my mind.
"One more story buddy? Is that what you want?"
Charlie's eyes are overflowing with fresh tears as he reaches for the book and tries to open it to the very first page. Being read to is his favorite thing in the whole wide world. I don't know if it's the sound of my voice that pleases him, or the story itself, but it seems that once I start reading, he'll never be sated.
He stops his babbling and looks up at me expectantly. "Da da?"
I chuckle and walk him over to the little bookshelf Bella bought for him to pick out another book. He points to one and I quickly grab it from the shelf. Of course, he picks the thickest one, a book of poetry by Shel Silverstein, my mom's favorite. I smile as I take him back to the rocking chair and sit down with him comfortably on my lap. His eyes light up as I flip the book open and begin to read.
"There is a place where the sidewalk ends
And before the street begins,
And the grass grows soft and white,
And there the sun burns crimson bright,
And there the moon-bird rests from his flight
To cool in the peppermint wind…"
I smile at the memory and say one last goodbye to the room where it took place. Charlie had so many happy times here, but now I know there are only more happy times to come. He'll have a new room, we'll have a new house, and we'll live as a family. It's everything I never knew I wanted.
I walk out of the apartment with a slight pain in my chest and hope for the future in my heart. This is the right thing to do. I know it is. Goodbyes have always fucking sucked for me, but this isn't a goodbye…it's a new beginning.
"Took you long enough," Bella teases as I slide into the driver's seat of our U-Haul.
She leans over to give me a quick kiss before breaking away to look over her shoulder to check on Charlie, who's sitting in the back seat of her Civic.
"You ready to get out of here?" I ask.
Bella smiles and says, "Of course. I've been waiting for this for a long time."
We only discussed moving months ago. I've been waiting for this family for a long time too, Bella. I just hadn't known it.
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There's nothing like turning the key to open the door to your very first house. My heart's thumping in my chest as I open the front door. Bella's just as excited as I am, practically bouncing at my side as she holds onto our son. We give each other one last look, before crossing the threshold and entering our new home.
It's just as I remembered it, sans the furnishings. I gaze at the pristine hardwood floors, the ivory walls, high ceiling, and giant fireplace, and I honestly can't believe this place is ours. I can't believe we could fucking afford this! I mean, it was in our budget, but as I look at it again, I can't believe we managed to get something so fucking nice. I can't wait to see what Bella does with the place. I want it to feel like her.
"Should we give Charlie a tour of the house?"
Bella nods and we give our son a tour of our ranch style home. Although it's small, it has everything we need. A large kitchen, two bathrooms, three bedrooms, and room to expand if need be. Charlie's smile gets bigger with every room we show him. He's just as excited to have a house as we are. The last room we show him, is his room. It's bigger than his last room, with tons of space for bookshelves and toys. Right now, it's bare and desperately needs some carpet for Charlie. Although he's not related to Bella, he's just as clumsy as she is. He's going to bruise his ass if I don't put a few mats down.
Bella giggles at my side and I realize I must look like a worried parent. "What is it?" she asks.
"I was just thinking how we're going to have to baby proof this place," I say with a gruff chuckle.
"Well, of course," she giggles. "I'll ask Alice to help out if you want. She baby proofed every inch of her house when Cyndy was born. Alice was always so paranoid she would get hurt. I heard it's always like that with your first child."
"Well, I'm going to be like that with every child we have."
My entire body tenses as soon as the comment leaves my mouth. Even though I haven't been totally against having kids, I've never expressed any interest to do so. I know it bothered Bella, but she would never admit it because I know she really wants more children. While I never imagined myself with a large family, I've also never imagined myself with a family at all and look at where I'm am. I'd do it for her. Fuck, I'd do anything for her. If she wants a baby or two I'll fucking give it to her. At least my job when it comes to making babies is the enjoyable part. There's a lot of positives when it comes to having a baby I suppose. For one, Bella's tits will get huge and filled with milk. That alone is fucking distracting and fills my mind with dirty thoughts. And there'll be a baby of course. That's nice too.
"You have the weirdest expression on your face," Bella says as she tries not to laugh.
I reach down and discreetly adjust myself as I try to think of a way to change the subject. Stop thinking about her tits, Cullen!
"So, you see us having more kids?" Bella presses.
Fuck. "Um…well, yes in the future, I guess I do. You know, way in the future…" I stutter and finally stop before I make more of an ass out of myself.
Bella smiles and replies, "Well, you're a wonderful daddy."
I fucking blush. "Thanks, babe. I try at least. Charlie's not dead, so I guess I've done a good job," I tease, unable to take the compliment.
"You're doing an amazing job," she says, before rising to her tiptoes to kiss me.
"No!" Charlie says with a little giggle as he tries to push our faces apart.
I pull away and give him an incredulous look. "You don't like it when mommy and daddy kiss?" I ask, bouncing him in my arms.
"No!" He announces with a grin.
"You better get used to it, buddy," I comment, before quickly kissing her again, pulling away before Charlie can attempt to stop us.
"So, do you want to get started bringing stuff in or do you want to wait for Paul and your dad?"
I shrug, "I can bring in a few chairs at least. I just don't like leaving Charlie unsupervised and I know I can't move half of that shit by myself."
"Shhh…" Charlie begins, staring up at me with wide eyes and a little smile.
My heart stops. Don't fucking do it, kid!
"Shit!" Charlie announces, before clapping his hands at his accomplishment.
Shit! He's too fucking young to be cursing. Bella laughs and reaches out to take him from my arms.
"Aw, that's the cutest curse word I've ever heard," Bella giggles as she rocks Charlie in her arms and kisses his cheek.
"You better stop with that," I say, right before she kisses him again. "He's going to say it all the time if he thinks he can get this type of reaction from you."
"Shhh—it," Charlie says again, perking up in Bella's arms as if he were awaiting his next kiss.
I roll my eyes, stifle a laugh, and walk away. "I'll go grab some of the furniture!" I yell over my shoulder.
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"Jesus, man. I didn't know you and Bella had so much stuff," Paul comments with a grunt as he helps me carry one of our couches inside.
"Well, this is all the stuff from mine and Bella's apartment," I comment, as I look over his shoulder at the rest of the stuff in the U-Haul.
"It's fine, I'm just messing with you, man. I can't believe you've got a house now, and a family! Seth would've freaked," Paul says with a sad laugh.
"I know, he wouldn't have believed it," I admit. "That's why I never understood him giving me Charlie. I mean, how he saw me with a child is beyond me."
"Hell, man. I was surprised too, but I was also really happy he chose you. You're great with Charlie."
"I'm surprised he didn't pick my parents," I chuckle. "Although, now I guess it's good he didn't. I even thought he'd pick you since you're his Godfather and all. Plus, your life wasn't a total mess."
We set the couch down as soon as we get it through the front door, taking a breather before we get it all the way to the living room.
"My life wasn't perfect," he admits, looking as if he feels ashamed of his past. Looking a lot like me. "I was a drunk for the past few years. I mean, I'm better now. Have been since your brother's death, but back then, I was really depressed and constantly drinking. I was in a really dark place…I'm still there."
"I'm sorry," I say, because that's what so many people have said to me. "You just always had your life so together growing up. Hell, you still seem to have your life together."
"Looks can be deceiving," he says with a mirthless chuckle. "You can have your life together and still abuse alcohol. I've been a highly functioning alcoholic since high school. These past few months have been just as rough for me as they've been for you."
I always forget about Paul's struggles. He's always seemed so fucking normal. I mentally fucking kick myself, just because people seem normal doesn't mean they don't have shit going on behind closed doors. He was suffering, but none of us saw it behind his all-American smile and all the successes he had in his life. I knew he drank now and then, but I never realized it'd been such an issue for him until I saw him in AA. Even then, he never really talks about his drinking problems. He's heard me open up about my issues, but he's never opened up the door to his. Fuck, he's just now cracking it.
"You should talk about it in AA. I feel so much better after doing that. Trust me, man. Opening up really helps."
I feel fucking weird giving him advice. I've never really been in the position to give anyone advice before and I'm not sure how I feel about doing it. I sound so fucking awkward and unconvincing. Paul gives me a weak smile and runs his hand nervously through his hair.
"Man, I don't know if I can do that. At least not right now. I'm just not ready."
His eyes look so haunted and his entire body is tense. I can't help but feel like there's something he's just not telling me. It doesn't seem like he just had a bit of a drinking problem in the past, it seems like something must have happened. I mean, no one just changes their ways for no reason. An alcoholic doesn't just wake up one day and say, 'I think I'm done with drinking. I just don't feel like it anymore', and cheerfully move on with their lives. Becoming sober is a fucking struggle and something has to fucking push you to do it. Whether it's a DUI and the promise of jail time if you don't go to rehab, ruining relationships because of your drinking, or having a baby dropped into your lap after your brother dies. It seems that life has to give you some sort of push. The fact that he would just do it for no reason was something I once thought was incredible. I mean, how many people are that introspective and self-aware? However, now I just think it's fucking strange. Maybe he has more willpower than me…or maybe there's something he's just not saying.
"Take your time, man," I settle on saying. "You can't rush these things. Just talk about it when you're ready."
He gives me a small, uncomfortable smile and bends down to pick his side of the couch back up, indicating that he's done talking about this. I hear the sound of my dad's car pulling up as soon as we get the couch in the living room. Bella jumps up with Charlie in her arms to greet him, giving him a quick hug as soon as my dad walks through the door. He's in a pair of old jeans and a black t-shirt. I haven't seen him look this relaxed in a long time. He kisses Bella's cheek and says hello to his grandson before making his way to us.
"So, it seems you guys have really made some headway," my dad teases, as he glances at the few pieces of furniture we managed to get into the house.
"We've been talking," Paul explains as he gives my dad a firm pat on the back before we make our way back to the U-Haul.
As we work on getting the rest of the stuff inside, I can't take my eyes off Paul. Something just seems so off about him, like there's something brewing beneath the surface he isn't telling me about. I don't know why he'd feel like he had to keep secrets from me. Of course, it's his life and it's his business, he doesn't have to tell me everything that's going on with him. On the other hand, we'd been so close growing up, practically brothers, so I can't imagine why he feels like he can't talk to me. I've never hidden anything from him. Fuck, my life has always been an open book. He knows all about my whoring around, my drinking, and my drug use. I'm ashamed of the shit I've done, but nothing is ever going to change it. Since I can't rewrite history I don't see the point of not opening up about it. Paul used to be so open and carefree growing up. He would tell me all the shit that he had going on to the point where it was too much information.
I've been so busy with all the shit going on in my life, I haven't noticed the difference in the man I used to call my brother. Until recently, I haven't noticed how rigid he is around me, how quiet he's gotten, and how melancholy he seems. Maybe I've been fucking selfish lately. I've worried so much about my life, I haven't been supporting my friend like I should. I'm ashamed of myself. He probably needs me and I haven't been there.
I spend the day not saying much. Paul chats with my dad and I comment here or there, but mainly keep to myself. I'm too lost in my own thoughts and don't really feel like talking. The only thing to really keep me from getting too moody, is watching Charlie play on the floor with my girl. He's so animated with her, and it's obvious that he loves his new mom more than just about anything. How could he not? Bella's so affectionate and giving…she's the perfect mother. Watching them together eases all my stress.
Now that we've finished a day of moving heavy shit around, I feel like it's time I should be saying, 'Let's grab a beer to reward ourselves for a job well done.'. Too bad our group is made up of two AA members and my dad. I settle for offering them a soda from the fridge. We make small-talk and drink our sodas, but as much as I love these two men, I really want to spend the night with my Bella and Charlie to celebrate our first night in our new home. My dad must've picked up on this, because he's the first to announce he needs to be getting back.
"Congratulations on your new home. I'm so proud of you, son."
I smile and quickly look at my feet, always feeling fucking embarrassed when someone compliments me. He wraps one arm around my shoulder and gives me a quick hug before walking off to say goodbye to Charlie and Bella, who are watching a movie on the TV we hooked up a few hours before.
"I guess I better get going too," Paul says, giving me a very awkward sort of hug before backing away. "I'm glad I could help, man. This house is perfect for you guys."
"I know," I smile, taking a quick look around. "I can't believe Bella and I are homeowners," I chuckle. "Thanks for helping out today, it really means a lot."
"It's cool." He smiles. "It's not like I had anything better to do. So, I'll see you at our AA meeting tomorrow?"
"Of course, man."
I've been getting so good about attending regularly. Those meetings combined with seeing Howell makes me feel like I've truly been making some progress in my life. I feel like a different person already. I see my change of attitude in the smallest situations. I'll stop for a moment and say to myself, 'The old you wouldn't have acted like that.'. It's crazy, but I really think I've come a long way in these few short months. I'm already so much more mature and driven. Half the shit I do, the old me would've never done. It's strange to think about how fucking different I used to be.
After Paul and my dad are gone, I finally feel like I can breathe. It's not that I hated their company, far from it, it's just the hardest part of the day is over and I can finally relax and enjoy my new home. I just want to order some food and sit back and relax with the two most important people in my life. I quickly order a large pizza before joining my little family on the couch, which I placed way too close to the TV. Mental note: move this shit around tomorrow, it looks terrible. Bella's too fucking sweet to say anything, or she sees that I'm worn out and chooses to save the topic for another day. I give her a quick kiss and kiss my son on the forehead, before I finally collapse on the couch.
"I ordered a pizza. Want to put a movie in and relax?"
Bella nods and gives me a sleepy smile. Geez, she looks like a fucking angel when she's relaxed like this. I grab a stack of movies I put aside during the move for Charlie because I knew if I wasn't proactive about not burying them in a random box, I would have quite a few tantrums to deal with. I walk back to the couch, with the stack of DVDs in hand, and show him each cover, letting the reaction on his face be the judge of what movie he wants to watch the most. As soon as he sees the title, Oliver & Company, he squeals, kicks his little feet, and claps his hands. Okay buddy, Oliver & Company it is then. I put the disk in the DVD player and hit play, before sitting back on the couch and watching his face light up as the opening credits come on.
"Are you happy, baby?" I ask Bella, as I sink into the couch.
She turns to look at me, with an affectionate smile on her face. "Of course, I'm happy. You've given me everything I could've ever wanted, Edward. I love you and I love our life together."
Fuck, now she has me getting all teary-eyed. I hide my sappy expression with a cough and quickly recover by giving her a more controlled smile.
"I'm happy too. I can't believe we've got a home of our own."
An hour later, we're filled with pizza and dozing off as we watch the movie near its end. Charlie has fallen asleep in Bella's arms and I can't take my eyes off the pair of them. They both completely captivate me, the two people in the world who mean more to me than anything. Could my heart feel any fuller? I'm sure it could. I'm sure if we had another child all the love in my life would fucking multiple. I watch as the light from the TV bounces off Bella's face, illuminating her beautiful features. Finally, as if feeling my stare, she turns her head to look into my eyes. Whenever she looks at me I feel so loved, so fucking cherished, as if I were the only person in the entire world. I realize this is what I was missing before. If I'd been loved, I probably would've been a different man…I would've believed in myself and strived to be better each day. Bella was just what I fucking needed. Basking in the glow of the television, I see her smile at me. Here we are sitting on the couch as a little family and I've never felt more incredible. I wrap my arm around her and quietly tell her how much I love her before bringing my mouth down to meet hers. I want to remember this first night in our home, the beginning of our future together.
A/N: Just another reminder…I'll be posting unedited chapter teasers in my Facebook group (The Highlander Princess's Clan). Feel free to join because things are about to get good .
Song- "Such Great Heights" by The Postal Service.