Thanks Sherry and Paige! You've been wonderful every step of the way . Any mistakes are my own.
"Someway, baby, it's part of me, apart from me
You're laying waste to Halloween
You fucked it friend, it's on its head, it struck the street
You're in Milwaukee, off your feet.
…And at once I knew I was not magnificent
Strayed above the highway aisle
(Jagged vacance, thick with ice)
And I could see for miles, miles, miles."
-Bon Iver-
EPOV:
Our house is now a home. The past month has flown by, despite my effort to slow down time and appreciate every second of the beginning of our new life together. Bella has been working her ass off to get our house just the way she wants it. It's beautiful. She's done an incredible job and it's just right for our little family. Charlie's room is fucking breathtaking. Bella and her sister spent a few days painting it and decorating it for him. It's Disney inspired and absolutely fucking perfect. Every day I come home to my new house and my family, I have to stop for a moment, because I can hardly believe this life is mine.
I feel like I'm living in a dream and I'm fucking afraid to wake-up. Despite how wonderful this past month has been, I have this strange feeling in my gut, warning me another storm is approaching. Maybe I'm being too negative, but no matter what I do, I can't shake this feeling. It follows me everywhere and causes my paranoia to skyrocket. I keep my full attention on Bella and Charlie, worried that something terrible will happen to them. I don't know what I would do if something did happen, I would be fucking ruined. My fear has propelled me to cherish everyone in my life. In a way, it's almost a good thing. Fear has inspired me to get out of the house and see the people who are so meaningful to me.
I've spent so much time with my parents, getting to know my new mother and making up for lost time. My mom is an incredible woman, and I'm sad that I didn't get to grow up with her at my side. However, I understand why she left and I forgive her for leaving. She's my mother, but she's only human. She did the best she could. I only hope I can say that when all is said and done at the end of my life. That's all I fucking want, is to be able to be at peace with my actions and happy with my choices. My mom hadn't been happy for a long time, and hearing about her struggle is fucking devastating. I'm so fucking thankful she's home. She's getting the life she's always wanted; the life she's always deserved. She's no longer scared and she can finally live the way she wants.
Seeing her with my dad was incredibly awkward at first. I had grown-up with him and Elizabeth and I'd always thought he loved her. Dad told me that Elizabeth had been easy for him to love when they were younger, but he also explained that his love had been rather selfish. At first, he thought Elizabeth was like the woman he'd lost, but as time went on and the going got rough, he realized she was nothing like Esme. Then at some point, his love for Elizabeth became more like companionship and he respected her as the mother of his child. Despite what Elizabeth says, I know she loved my father too, even if those feelings are now gone completely. Sometimes, someone is right for you at a certain time in your life and you can love them as much as that version of yourself will allow, however, that doesn't mean that person is right for you forever. I believe you can love multiple people in your life, but you only experience true love once. For my dad, his true love was Esme, and for me it's my Bella. Now, when I see my parents embrace, all the awkwardness is gone, because I can see the love they have for each other. Even after all this time, their feelings are still the same.
As I'm discovering the people my parents truly are, I'm also working on developing the friendships in my life. Friendships have always been something I neglected in the past. I've always been a loner and neglected the friends I did have. I don't know why, but in the past, I only felt like I could truly be myself when I was alone. So, I saw no point in going out and pretending to be someone I'm not. However, so much shit has changed since I've returned. Sure, I'm still a bit of a loner, but I'm trying to not be as remiss as I once was. I've invited Emmett and Rosalie over for dinner several times, as well as Jasper and his family. I've worked on seeing Paul outside of our AA meetings together. He's become even closer to me than he was before. He's finally showing glimpses of his old self, and exhibits the man he was before alcohol consumed his life. Of course, there's still these sparks of depression in his eyes I don't miss. I want him to open up to me, but he refrains, stating that one day he will. I just wish I knew when his 'one day' would be.
While I've been so good about filling my life with people who matter, today I want nothing of it. Work was grueling and I want nothing more than to go home and take a hot shower and relax with my family before spending the night making love to my beautiful fiancée. However, I made a promise to Paul. I told him I wouldn't miss an AA meeting and I intend to keep that promise. So, I'll drag my sorry ass out of the house if I have to. It's just so important that we support each other in this. We've both come so far, and gotten so much better. I owe so fucking much to these meetings and Dr. Howell, I can't begin to wonder where I'd be without them.
As soon as I walk in the front door of my home, I almost stumble over my son, who is sitting in the foyer waiting for me. He's been doing this every day since I started working a consistent schedule. I know he's waited a long fucking time here today, because of heavy traffic and road construction I'm forty-five minutes late getting home.
"Da da!" Charlie squeals as soon as I drop my duffel bag to the ground and reach for him.
His laughter fills the quiet house as soon as I pick him up. I smile and kiss both of his cheeks before resting him on my shoulder.
"Let's go find mommy," I suggest as I carry him to the kitchen.
Bella's putting plates of food on our small, dining room table by the time I walk in. Her face lights up when she sees me, and as soon as she put the last plate on the table, she jogs over to me and throws her arms around my neck, careful to avoid hitting our son.
"I missed you so much," I whisper into her hair.
"You were just at work," she teases me.
"I always miss you when I'm away," I admit, before turning my head so my lips meet hers.
She gives me a peck on the cheek before ushering Charlie and me to the dinner table. Charlie sits in my lap as I help him eat our favorite meal, Bella's famous mac & cheese. We talk about my day and Bella talks about the new textbook she's editing. It seems like a grueling job, but she explains someone has to do it. I know she truly wants to be a writer, and I'll be her fucking cheerleader if need be, because I just want her to be happy. I know my beautiful, talented girl can do whatever she sets her mind to. We both have dreams for our future, but right now all we can do is enjoy the gift of the present.
After dinner, I help Bella wash the dishes. Despite my long day at work, I still find the energy to be fucking playful around her. I 'accidently' splash her with water a few times, which eventually turns into me taking the hose and spraying her down. Her face is glowing and radiant, as she throws her head back with laughter and tries to block my attempts to get her absolutely soaked.
"Edward, stop!" She giggles, trying to grab the hose out of my hand.
"Da da!" Charlie squeals from his highchair, laughing at the sight of his two parents acting like children.
Wanting to see my son laugh even more, I allow Bella to snag the hose from my hand and I scream as the cold tap water blasts against my chest. She gets me soaked and before I know it, we're both soaking wet, hysterical fucking mess. She drops the hose in the sink and I wrap my arms around her, pulling her close as I laugh my ass off. Charlie joins us, laughing louder than us both. I drag Bella toward his highchair, with her giggling the entire way, and pick Charlie up so he can join us in this moment. A moment that feels like the whole world has stopped around us and it's just us.
"Ma ma!" He says with a huge smile, as he grabs hold of a strand of her hair and curls it around his little finger. "Da da!"
He looks so happy, as if he could feel the love vibrating through the air. I close my eyes and soak up this moment. Enjoying the sound of my family's laughter and the feeling of their breath on my skin. I know I'll remember this forever. A simple, yet meaningful moment in time, with the family I never imagined being lucky enough to have.
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By the time I leave the house for my AA meeting, I'm already fucking late. The weather is shit, causing people to drive even slower than usual. Add the road construction on popular routes into the mix, and I end up being meeting forty-five minutes late. Which is new for me, because I'm never fucking late to these meetings. Of course, I'm not early either. I like to be right on time to keep small-talk and any awkward silences to a minimum. I'm sure Paul thinks I'm not even coming, although I promised not to ditch him at these meetings.
I park in the lot in front of the Protestant Church where the meeting is being held. It looks as if it's been around since the early 1960's, giving the building a sort of charm which is rare among the locations our AA meetings are usually held. This church is definitely a step up from the local YMCA, that's for damn sure. I hate listening to people talk about their problems while also hearing the sounds of kids loudly playing basketball on the court next door.
I quickly make my way through the halls of the old church, listening for the sounds of a meeting going on as I try to navigate around. I can't ignore the verses that are on the walls, surrounded by drawings that look like they were created by kids in Sunday school classes. I have to be fucking honest, churches make me really uncomfortable. The idea that there's a God watching our every movement and fucking judging us is daunting to say the least. Nonetheless, I can't help but stop every now and then to read one of the verses, just out of curiosity.
"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." -John 16:33
I roll my eyes and keep walking. I feel like I've overcome the world as well. I've dealt with all the horrors in my life and still managed to come out almost unscathed. I managed to get through it all because without even knowing it, I had faith in myself. I had faith in my brother's decision and rose to the challenge.
Finally, I see a light shining from the end of the dark hallway and follow the voices that are vibrating off the room's walls. Although I'm forty-five minutes late, I've finally fucking made it. I take a glimpse at the meeting before stepping inside and the sight before me stops me in my tracks. Paul's walking toward the front of the room with a frown on his face. With his sunken features, slouched shoulders, and weary eyes, he looks like a completely different person entirely. I've never seen him like this. He's finally sharing, and I can't help but wonder if it's a coincidence that he's choosing to do so on a day I'm not here. My curiosity gets the better of me, and I take a step back from the door and lean against the wall outside the small meeting room. I can see Paul, but I know he can't see me. I take one deep breath, as he begins to speak, with his hands in his pockets and his head down.
"Hello, everyone. I'm Paul and I've been attending these meetings for a couple of months now." He stutters through his first sentence, his voice filled with what sounds like pure shame. "I know I haven't said much while I've been here. I haven't reached out to a single one of you, and I can't say that will change after today. I've just wanted to sit back and listen…I honestly never thought I would be doing this. I never wanted to tell my story, because it's been too fucking painful."
He stops, gasping for air and bringing a hand up to cover his mouth. What the fuck is this? Paul's always been so strong, and yet, he's crumbling in front of me.That familiar feeling of dread turns my stomach and I stand paralyzed as I wonder what he's going to say next. Why do I feel so fucking ill? I cover my mouth with my hand. For some reason, I feel as though if Paul could so much as hear my breath, he'd stop talking.
"I've spent the last few years of my life abusing alcohol behind closed doors. No one knew about it, besides my best friend, Seth. He would always try to help me, even when I didn't want it. He refused to give up on me, even when things were terrible, even when he had a life of his own," Paul explains through gritted teeth.
My heart sinks as I hear him mention my brother's name. He's right, Seth would've done anything to help his friend. Hell, he did everything in his power to help me, even when everyone else had believed all hope was lost. That's who Seth was, he was the most genuine and kind person I've ever met. He was loyal to a degree you rarely see in a person, which is why I miss him every fucking day. My heart breaks, knowing such an incredible person was ripped away from this world.
"Before Seth died, I'd been sobering up. My vices no longer had the power over me they once did. This was all because of Seth. He knew the worst of me, the side of myself I hid from everyone else. I had a successful career, a steady income, and my life was on track…but despite all this, my life revolved around drinking. Seth had been my best friend since we were little, and out of all the people in my life, he was the only one to see a change in me. He loved me like a brother, when I didn't have anyone else…" Paul trails off with a sob.
It's then I notice the tears starting to trail down his face. He tries to hide it, by covering his face with one of his hands, but from my angle I can see every one. Part of me wants to go to him and tell him everything is going to be alright, but another part of me—the part of me that causes my heart to race as I feel something horrible coming—keeps me in my place. I watch him, completely paralyzed with a deep-rooted fear, as he gains control of himself and opens his mouth to continue.
"He made me part of his family…he made me the godfather of his son…and what I did to him…" his voice breaks as he gasps for air. "I tried to help them," he says, tears trailing down his cheeks and his entire body shaking. "I didn't know what to do. It was too late…I was too fucking late; the damage was already done. I was a fucking coward. I saw my best friend gasping for breath, and I saw his wife, who accepted all my flaws, lifeless in the seat next to him. I ran away and never told anyone…I never told anyone until now," he gasps.
A red haze descends over my vision and every muscle in my body wants to spring to action, attacking the thing that has caused me so much fucking pain and distress. I can't fucking think; I can't fucking breathe. All I can do is look at the fucker I called my friend through blurry eyes and try desperately to hold myself back. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! This can't be fucking happening to me. This cannot be fucking happening to me! A bitter laugh escapes my lips, I knew things would go to shit. I knew it all along.
"I'm sorry," Paul whispers, before jumping down from the makeshift stage and heading out the door.
My entire body springs to life, every muscle tenses as my heart continues to fucking break. My thoughts are one giant blur, a string of expletives and violent thoughts, and I can't control my body as it reacts the only way it knows how. As soon as Paul walks past me, I grab him by the throat and throw him against the wall. I hear him gasp, but he doesn't stop me as I curl my other hand into a fist and crash it against his face.
A/N: So…thoughts? Please review! I seriously can't wait to hear what you guys have to say!
Also, I'll be posting the teaser for the next chapter in my facebook group tomorrow! So make sure to go check it out!
Song- "Holocene" by Bon Iver.