A/N for 2019-05-15: Profound thanks Eeyorefan12 for the incredible work that she puts into this story - here, and in many other chapters. Both of us have enjoyed reading and contemplating the insights you offer on this narrative.

Erin

The drive to the new house was only twenty minutes long, but required precise instructions from Alice, riding shotgun, for Bella to find the turns she would have missed on her own.

"Just here," Alice said, gesturing to the near-hidden entrance at the end of the dirt road.

The private driveway wasn't long, but it coiled tightly around so that, when the house appeared, it was a surprise. The deep green paint made the structure appear to be an extension of the forest surrounding them. She couldn't tell if it was just old, or new and made to look old. Its simple lines were a series of inverted V's, each gable accented with a window, all of them warmly-lit against the twilight.

No one was waiting outside.

Opening her own door, Bella helped Meredith and then Josh out of the car. When he pulled his hand away, she snatched it back, murmuring a quiet, "Just stay with mommy for now, okay?"

"No!" he protested, and squirmed away again, dashing off in the direction of a creek she could see just beyond the house

Bella started to give chase, but stopped when another shape suddenly appeared ahead of Josh.

"Man!" her son squeaked, as Edward squatted down in front of him.

"I know you want to see the water," Edward said to him, "but your mother is worried about you. Can you go ask her first?"

Bella pointed her eyes at Josh. He looked back at her imploringly while he leaned against Edward's chest. It made for such a sweet picture, she felt herself smile at the two of them.

"You can go with him, if you want," she said.

With a solemn nod, Edward stood and held out his hand to Josh, who happily placed his smaller one in it.

Her heart ached a little as she watched them walk away together. With Matt gone, Josh seemed to have found comfort in his growing connection with Edward. She realized that, without even thinking about it, she had entrusted Edward with her son's safety. Could she trust him not to break Josh's heart as he had hers?

Meredith's voice was already growing distant, her chatter mingled with Alice's as they walked together towards the house.

"Bella?" A familiar voice called behind her.

Turning around, she found Esme and Carlisle standing a few feet away, hands linked together. They looked as nervous as she supposed vampires could look.

Bella suddenly wished she had a hand to hold, too. "Hi," she said weakly, giving a silly little wave. She hadn't been sure what this moment would feel like but awkward had definitely been in the running. She waited for the swell of anger that she had also expected because, if there was ever a good time to unload all the heartache she'd felt over the years because of the Cullens, this would have been it.

But the anger didn't come. Instead, all she could hear were Edward's words to her a few days before. They want to see you, Bella. . . The choice to leave was mine.

Her indecision must have been clearly written on her face because Esme slowly pulled her hand away from Carlisle's and moved towards her, wrapping her in a tentative hug.

It was so easy to lean into the embrace—and to return it.

"We missed you so much," Esme whispered.

Bella closed her eyes and tried to stay in control of the emotions having their way with her body. "I missed you too."

She realized, all of a sudden, how true it was. The little voice that had been telling her that this visit was a mistake and that she wasn't ready to forgive grew quiet. She could almost feel the resistance draining from her, eclipsed by the tears that welled up as she turned her embrace towards Carlisle.

"Come inside," Esme whispered. "Alice and Meredith have already gone in." She smiled at Bella, taking her arm in her own. "Oh Bella, she looks like you."

"She does?" Bella asked, a little surprised. She had always thought Mer was a small copy of Matt. Coming in through the front door, Bella took in the open, honey-coloured wood interior. It was at such odds with the exterior's dark promises. Set off in the corner by the window, Alice and Meredith were bent over a table, some mysterious project between them.

"She does," Esme said, smiling at her broadly. "The shape of her face. The way her forehead wrinkles when she's concentrating. Look."

Bella did. She'd always seen so much of Matt in the kids. So did everyone else. There was some of her there, though, as she watched. But Mer's smile, which she gave widely to Alice—that was all her father.

Blinking her eyes rapidly. Bella congratulated herself on keeping her feelings in check. Then she caught Jasper's figure moving down the hallway towards them.

Of course, she thought. Be sensible. You can barely watch car commercials without bursting into tears.

"Thanks," she mumbled in his direction

Jasper nodded, and smiled a little, not coming close, but moving in Alice's direction. He settled a little ways away from the two of them on one of the living room's several couches.

Then Meredith picked up a fresh piece of paper, chattering happily to Alice, and Bella watched her little hand move to slide down the edge of it.

She knew she shrieked. She also knew she'd made an unwise dive in the direction of the living room, because she tripped on the throw carpet there.

Strong hands caught her, breaking her fall and helping her regain her balance.

"She's okay," Edward said, releasing her. "She's fine, see?" He looked at Meredith, who was staring, wide-eyed, at her mother and Edward.

Bella's entire body felt frozen, but she made herself look.

Meredith's fingers pinched the edge of the blank page. "I'm using the whole page," she said nervously. "I'm not wasting the paper, Mama."

"Of course," Bella answered, flinching internally. Whether or not there was a reason for it, she could not react that way in front of her daughter. She moved slowly, steadying her shaking hands as she walked over. "Sorry, Mer I just—I thought you were going to cut yourself."

"Excuse me," Jasper murmured, standing up and walking out of the room. A moment later, she heard the front door open and close again.

Bella cringed internally. But only a little.

Alice's eyes followed her husband, but she stayed where she was and turned her attention back to Meredith.

"I'll be careful," Meredith said seriously.

"Of course you will," Alice said, her voice low and soothing.

Meredith nodded, and Bella whispered, "Okay."

Edward had backed away, and Bella turned, trying to calm herself by finding Josh. He was there, soaked, delightedly jumping up and down once she spotted him. "Shoot," she said, feeling her much more accustomed sense of maternal mortification return, "What happened?"

"Water!" he squealed excitedly, as it splattered over the carpet. Edward looked a little sheepish but apparently thought Josh's explanation had been sufficient and remained quiet.

Carlisle appeared, a large towel in hand. "Did you find our creek?" he asked Joshua.

Josh nodded excitedly. "Man—Water!" He flapped his hands excitedly.

A little smile crept up on Bella's face at these two consecutive words, as she tried to dry him off. At least he hadn't paired 'man' with 'bed' and 'play' this time. "I need to get your clothes from the car."

"Why don't I do that?" Carlisle asked. "You go sit. There's some tea in the kitchen. And maybe something some smaller people might like, if it's mother-approved."

Once Bella handed him her keys, Carlisle disappeared, and Esme gestured towards the other side of the house.

The kitchen too, was spacious, but set up to feature several cozy pockets of chairs and wide windows that took in a view of the forest and the not-so-distant waves of the cove. An old wood-burning fireplace sat at the back wall, and Bella kept a fierce grip on Josh's hand until she could see that it wasn't lit.

"Something wrong?" Esme asked, noticing the direction of her gaze

"No, just—fires. Josh hasn't figured out they're dangerous yet."

"I understand. Can I get him something warm to drink? Milk?" She made sure she had Bella's eyes before she mouthed the words, "Hot chocolate?"

"Oh yes, I think you'd like that, wouldn't you?" Bella said, smiling at Josh. He smiled back, but there was a question on his little brow. "Hot chocolate?"

"Choc-lit!"

Edward had joined them silently, leaning casually against a wall near the entranceway. It was an unusual stance for him. When Carlisle reappeared, Bella saw a glance pass between them. No one else reacted, so she let herself relax, trusting she could let her guard down.

"Thanks, Carlisle," Bella said, taking her bag.

"Car-l—," Josh attempted.

"Yes," Bella said, trying not to overreact with excitement. "That's Carlisle." Looking at Esme, she said, "And that's Esme."

Josh ignored her, pawing through the bag. "Jamas!"

"Yeah, let's go get you changed," she agreed, wondering if she could nudge him towards a set of clothes instead. It was early for night wear.

Josh shook his head. He pressed the pajamas into Carlisle's hands. "Car-i." He shoved for emphasis.

"You want me to help you?"

More pushing.

Carlisle's eyebrows went up. "Well, certainly. Let's go get you dressed." He looked at Bella, seeking her permission.

She bit her lip. Had Carlisle even dressed a child before? Did he know anything about diapers?

Before she could respond, Esme chuckled. "I'll come for logistical support," she said, and then to Carlisle, "I think it's been a while since you helped a little person get dressed."

"And you're so much more recently experienced?" Bella heard him tease back.

"By several hundred years," Esme quipped softly.

Then Bella was alone with Edward.

"That was so well-orchestrated, you'd almost think it was planned." She lifted an eyebrow speculatively.

His posture stiffened and he straightened up.

"I know it wasn't," she added quickly. "Trust me, anyone who can get Josh to cooperate is welcome to do it. It's luck of the draw to get him to change clothes, unless it's his idea." She spread the damp towel out over the back of one of the chairs and sat back down again.

"Can I get you some tea?" he asked, having moved to the counter. Moved closer to her.

She wanted to make a show of rolling her eyes to let him know she was unaffected, but it would've been a lie. He could hear her heartbeat, anyway, so what was the point? She was finally accepting that his physical nearness was going to continue to affect her, as it had so long ago. She was just going to have to ignore it as well as she could. "Thank you, no."

He put down the cup he'd picked up.

"But I wouldn't mind some more answers."

"Of course," he said, letting his eyes settle on her briefly. A few steps brought him closer still and he claimed a chair within arm's reach.

Not that she was going to reach for him, she reminded herself.

"Why did you leave?" she asked.

His jaw tightened. "I explained this already."

"I'd like to hear it without being yelled at."

His shoulders had already slumped a bit, and now they seemed to curl in a little more. His elbows were resting on his knees. "I left so you would be safe. I knew our presence would only attract more of our kind, and it was difficult enough to protect you even without that."

Bella nodded, though not easily. She was still trying to grasp his reasoning. "And that's why you stayed away for so long?"

"Yes." His voice sounded hollow.

There was so much more buried beneath that one word. She had to take a breath to steady herself before she spoke again. "And you told me you didn't—" God, if the words didn't still stick. "You didn't love me, because you wanted me to move on."

"Yes."

She watched him move his hands to his knees and rub them, wondering what the forces involved were when the fabric strained under his touch.

"You still cared about me."

"Cared?" he asked, stilling his hands but not looking at her. "I loved you, Bella."

"Love?" she asked, voice husky. Her body trembled with emotion. "Love." She shook her head, or it shook itself. "You don't know what that is."

His head whipped up, eyes blazing.

"If you knew your absence would protect your children, or anyone you love, more than your presence, would you leave them?" he demanded.

Bastard, she thought.

She huffed out a breath. "Of course."

"Then I know what love is."

"But I wouldn't tell them I didn't love them before leaving for ten years." She struggled to suppress the tears of frustration that were threatening to fall. She didn't want even a tiny bit of his explanation to have merit.

"Wouldn't you? To free your children to love someone else as their mother, to accept that love without guilt? Painful as it would be?"

Before she could stop them, there were two hot rivers flowing down her cheeks.

She would. Absolutely.

And she'd fully expect them to hate her for it when she returned.

Or not want anything to do with her.

Fortunately, anger made for good company with grief, and it shoved back the things that were too difficult to feel. "You let people think I was nuts."

"If we hadn't, the Volturi would have resolved the issue to their satisfaction." Edward murmured. His gaze was fixed on her face but his eyes seemed focused somewhere beyond her.

"What does that even mean?" She remembered who the Volturi were, but beyond that, not much.

"They would've killed you, Bella. You and everyone else they thought knew the truth. We know, because they checked."

Her gaze snapped to his face.

He kept talking, but his voice held the tremor and weight of trauma. "Then they came to investigate us." He shook his head slightly, his shoulders curled in again. When she opened her mouth to ask what he meant, he cut her off. "Please don't ask me to speak about that."

Pressing her lips together, Bella took a deep breath in and let it out.

She had to ask this, even if she didn't want to know the answer.

"So you still—" she couldn't say the word. "Have feelings for me?"

His eyes, when they met hers this time, were still that mottled blend of honey and night. "I love you, Bella. That hasn't, and won't ever change."

She counted twelve breaths before she could speak again and, when she did, her words were halting as she struggled to say what she needed to.. "You told me before that, when a vampire . . . bonds with someone, then that's it. You said that I was that for you, like . . . you were addicted to me. You even compared yourself to an alcoholic . . . and a heroin addict. You said I was . . . special and that you would never want anyone else. But Edward, maybe that's not really love. Maybe that's just . . . something in your nature . . ."

She could read the denial on his face but he didn't interrupt or respond until she stopped speaking. His eyes rested on her for a moment before he spoke again.

"My nature," he murmured. "Yes, our natures are quite powerful, aren't they?" He smiled a bit, and then looked down at his folded hands.. "And if I told you that the love you felt for your children was just that—your nature, a mere biological connection—and nothing more, would you agree?"

She inhaled reflexively, readying a retort.

"No," he said gently, his eyes on hers again. "Of course you wouldn't. And I would never insult the love you have for your children by reducing it to that. I would also ask that you'd similarly not diminish what I feel for you."

She swallowed at the gentle rebuke and looked down at the immaculate floor, studying the tiles' unpredictable patterns. "What is it that you want?" she finally asked.

"Your safety and happiness."

She shook her head. "Not what you want for me. What do you want?"

His answer was immediate. "What I've always wanted: You."

"Mommy, Mommy!" Meredith shrieked, "Look, look, look!" She raced into the kitchen dragging Alice behind her. Or rather, Alice allowed herself to be dragged. Both were beaming. For once, Bella wondered if Alice had been so firmly rooted in the present, she'd forgotten to be prescient.

"Oh," Bella said, trying to focus her eyes on the picture four inches from her face. "It's . . . beautiful, honey."

"No, LOOK!" Mer repeated. "It's a dress. See?" She pointed at it.

"Yes, it is," Bella agreed, once the image started to make sense.

"Alice is going to teach me how to sew. We're going to make it!" She jumped up and down, and then turned to face Alice. "Right now, right? We can get started?"

"Why not?" Alice said, grinning back.

Then they both dashed back out of the kitchen.

Bella felt unsettled, torn between the practicalities of motherhood and the intensity of feeling her conversation with Edward had invoked. Standing, she said, "I should—" Then she sat again, feeling the world spin unhelpfully.

"Put your head down," Edward instructed in what she now recognized as his doctor voice.

She did, listening to him make noises in the kitchen.

When he returned, a wave of nausea gripped her as she smelled the food he'd brought.

"No, thank you," she said, holding her palm out and up. When it met cold flesh, she retracted it.

There was a tinge of concern in his voice. "Your blood pressure's low right now. If you don't eat or drink, your sugar will drop too, and the nausea will be worse."

She stayed curled over herself, reluctant to unfold and open herself up in any way to the man in front of her.

Bella couldn't argue with his reasoning, though, and held out her hand, taking the glass that was put in it.

She sipped the juice slowly, still not trusting her reactions.

After a little bit, she sat up again, and the world stayed obligingly still.

"You should—"

"Don't," she said, cutting off whatever Edward was about to say.

A swell of diverse emotions rose up in her, each competing for the opportunity to be felt. She missed Matt in this moment. He'd been the one to walk her through the more miserable parts of her pregnancies, and there had been plenty of those. And while Edward hadn't done anything to earn more distrust, there was an ocean of it between them, and her mere drop of faith felt like a feeble boat to cross it in.

"Thank you for this," she added, lifting the cup. "And for taking care of my hand, but you're not my doctor, and I don't want you to be."

He frowned slightly at this, but nodded.

God, why did it have to bother her, that he seemed hurt by her choice?

"I usually get a midwife, anyway," she mumbled, "for my pregnancies."

"Of course," he said softly.

Bella took another sip of juice, fingers chilled around the cold tumbler. The notion of what Edward's hand would feel like in hers again flickered in her thoughts.

"You haven't asked me how I feel," she said. "About you."

"I've had no right to, Bella."

"Do you not want to know?" She saw a flicker of something cross his face as she asked, but he quickly controlled it.

"Of course I do," he whispered.

She looked down. " I think my feelings haven't changed as much as I thought."

Studying the floor, she couldn't see the expression on his face, but she heard his uncertainty. "Haven't changed, meaning—?"

Lifting her head, she held her gaze at the safe territory of the countertop. "Maybe love doesn't just disappear that easily."

She didn't hear him come to his knees in front of her. Instead, his face suddenly interrupted her view, both his hands surrounding her free one.

Bella jerked back in the chair with a croaked, "Please don't." She squeezed her eyes shut against the sudden assault of feeling.

He let go as quickly as he'd gripped her, and she wrapped her arms around herself, replacing one form of tension with another.

"I'm sorry," he said.

She nodded dumbly, still shocked and stunned by his touch.

She'd forgotten.

Had it always felt that way? And this . . . this ache? Her midsection felt suddenly hollow.. She made herself take a deep breath in and then release it.

When Bella had first been treated for psychosis, it had been with a potent cocktail of drugs, some more pernicious than others. The ones that were harder to wean off of had left her with a very similar feeling—nothing short of a maddening craving. But that was an inadequate description for what she felt at this moment.

Empty was the closest word her mind could supply. Bereft. Desolate. Wanting.

She pressed her hands into her stomach, leaning forward.

"Do you want me to go?" Edward asked.

"No," she said quickly. She wasn't sure what she wanted at the moment but his leaving was not it. "I just—I have a lot to think about. This is—a lot."

"I imagine it is," another voice said.

Both Edward and Bella whipped their heads toward the sound.

Rosalie stood in the doorway.

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