A/N for 2019-05-30: I think this chapter went through at least ten different revisions, and I am again grateful for Eeyorefan12's patience and grit in going through this chapter so many times. If there are errors, they are mine.
I owe thanks to Shouldbecleaning as well, for her feedback on the last chapter, where she mentioned Jasper - who I'd forgotten about!
We remain fascinated by your responses to this story - thank you for taking time to leave them.
~ Erin
"Edward, where are you taking me?" Bella asked, not alarmed, but curious about the destination. She hadn't been upstairs in the house yet.
"To bed."
Her entire body stiffened, but he didn't leave her time to consider the purpose of the destination.
"You're cold," he explained. "And I'm not helping. You've also had a huge shock, and I'd like you to put your feet up."
"The couch works for that too," she observed.
"And to hoard you jealously all to myself for a few precious minutes, before Josh comes looking for you." Seeing the look she gave him, he added, "Don't worry, he's fine, and they'll bring him at the earliest sign of trouble." His nose nuzzled hers.
She found his lips again and let her body remember the way it could so easily melt against his. Her muscles went slack in his arms. She barely noticed when he slipped her into bed, but hated the distance the heavy covers made between them.
"I'm fine," she said, as he continued to adjust the blankets.
"You're shivering," he reminded her, pulling back, taking a deep breath himself as he straightened up. "Oh God, Bella," he exhaled, gazing down at her. "I feel like I've been resurrected. It's like I've been walking underwater for years, and now I'm breathing air again."
He stepped to the other side of the bed and laid down beside her, taking her hand in his and holding it as they watched each other.
When he spoke again, there was a shaking earnestness to his voice. "There were so many times when I nearly came back. I wanted to. I felt like I'd cut myself in two when I left—and knowing even the barest details of what my forcing us apart did to you, I cannot repent enough of the horrendous mistake I made."
In the past, she would've told him it was alright. His very existence had excused every flaw. But not now. So she listened, fingers tight over his, nodding.
"I was so arrogant. I really thought I knew what would be best. By the time I realized how wrong I had been, it was too dangerous for you if I returned. I know my words mean nothing right now, but I will show you I've learned—I've changed."
They'd pushed closer together, foreheads almost touching. She closed her eyes. She couldn't say she was sure she believed him—no, that was too much yet, but she wanted to believe him, and that was enough for now. More importantly, she wanted to be with him.
"I want you," she said. "I want us."
There was a sweeter and softer kiss, marked by the tender beginnings of forgiveness and hope.
As her shivering began to subside, Bella became aware of other protests her body was making. She tried to ignore them in favor of focusing on Edward. She understood perfectly what he meant about walking through her own ocean of grief, because she'd done so first when he left, then with Jacob, and finally with Matt.
But now, if grief was an ocean, she was above the water in that larger vessel of trust, basking in the sun—with Edward.
She huffed out a laugh at herself for waxing so saccharinely poetic, and for what now felt like a ridiculous waste of time over the last few weeks. She'd resisted Edward so much that it had sapped all her energy, fighting what felt completely natural to accept.
"What's making you laugh?" he asked softly.
"I was thinking about how hard it's been to resist this." She tightened her fingers together with his. "The pull. The relief."
"I know," he breathed. Brushing a hair away from her face, he frowned, like he was thinking about something. Finally, he asked, "What changed your mind?"
"Oh," she pushed out. "I wasn't joking earlier. I really wasn't sure if you were dead, or if we were going to die—"
Edward shook his head with force, "No." The harsh tone and abrupt transformation of his features made Bella tense a little. "Sorry," he murmured, squeezing her hand. "Go on."
She nodded, letting her shoulders loosen. "You know how people talk about having their lives flash before their eyes?"
Edward's head nodded gravely.
"I'd thought of my memories of you as being delusions for so long, that even after seeing you again, knowing you were real, and what you are, I still didn't see them as real. Until today." She shuddered, remembering. "You've saved my life so many times. You've shown me you love me so many times. When I thought today was it. . . . " Edward nodded once again as she struggled with saying it out loud but his gentle smile was encouraging. "Those memories, all those feelings, they overwhelmed all my stupid anger. And yes, I felt stupid being angry for so long."
"I gave you good reason to be more than angry, Bella."
She shook her head. "It's not good to hold onto anger like that. It changes people. I don't want to be angry with you anymore."
He sat up at a speed her eyes couldn't catch, and then lifted her gently, covers and all, back into his arms. "I don't want to ever let you go," he said into her hair.
"Me too," she breathed. Then her stomach gurgled. "But I should probably go eat something. I have a feeling it's going to take more than a sugar pill."
"Are you warm enough?" He asked.
"For now," she said, throwing the covers off and moving to get off the bed.
"Humour me?" he asked.
It felt so right, cocooned in his arms, she gave a quiet, "Okay," and put her head to his chest as he carried her downstairs and into the kitchen.
He started to deposit her in a chair, but she protested mildly. "I can get myself something."
"And so can I. Sit." He gave her a wink.
She decided she didn't need to have this battle. Not yet. Staying put, she watched him rifle through the fridge, giving herself permission to stroke, with her eyes, the lean lines of his arms and back. In these last weeks she still hadn't grasped what it was the made him look older. Now she studied his frame, and then his face when it glanced her way.
No, nothing, she concluded . . . and yet, something. His clothes were different, but it was more than that. Where she'd looked before, now she scrutinized—starting at his hair, which had been combed into an order she wanted badly to undo. There was that. Her eyes slid down his neck, noting the set of his shoulders. While he had once had the hint of an adolescent slouch, now his posture was confident, his back straight and tall, his muscles flexing as he moved at the counter. His actions were more purposeful too. He'd always had that, but now there was more to it—a self-assurance that animated his industrious hands. Then it clicked. It wasn't just him, it was in how she looked at him. She wasn't a girl anymore, and he wasn't a boy—he'd never been a boy. He was the man she'd only perceived under the guise of a boy.
"Anything you don't want?" he asked, interrupting her musings.
"Fruit is good. Crackers. No dairy or meat." Her stomach lurched, seconding her opinion of these last two items.
"Nuts?"
"Nuts are good." She paused, before adding. "Except when they're me."
It was beautiful, watching him grasp the self-deprecating joke. First confusion, then horror, then an actual roll of his eyes and a big grin on his face.
She smiled and chuckled a little.
He didn't hide his speed, and when he returned, it was to offer her a small plate of strawberries and almonds. Another brush of his fingers sent a ripple of gooseflesh up her arm.
His hands might be offering food, but his face was full of a hunger that made her blush. "Thank you," she murmured.
Edward's face became suddenly and shrewdly observing. Clinical. "You're not eating enough."
And there was that line of demarcation again.
"Oh-kay, Dr. Cullen," she said with emphasis, pushing herself up in the chair. "Back off and go find yourself your own patient. This one is squarely taken by a midwife."
He arched an eyebrow at this. "Do you have a midwife yet?"
Shit. No.
"Not yet," she evaded. "It's early still."
Edward started to open his mouth, but then closed it, studying her face. Then he sat down beside her, picking up her left hand, running the tips of his fingers over hers. "Will you call one?"
"I will," she said warily. She'd taken a few bites, and put the plate down beside her. He had seen and then stepped back over the boundary he'd crossed, but she needed to be clear. "I'm not seventeen anymore. I'm an adult now."
"I've noticed."
"Good, because adults—even one hundred and—" she searched for the number.
"One-hundred-and-fourteen," he supplied.
"Even one-hundred-and-fourteen-year-old vampires need to respect their human—" she wasn't sure of the word.
He ignored the omission. Instead, he picked up her hand and brought it to his mouth, where he whispered a kiss over the tips of her fingers.
"Even aged vampire doctors?" he purred.
"Especially them."
"Hmm," Edward sighed. "Anything else I need to know?"
"I drive well. On my own."
"Yes, you do," he said, still nuzzling her hand.
"But feel free to help me change my snow-tires," she quipped, and tapped him on his nose, laughing.
He answered by leaning her back into the chair, pressing his lips to her neck. "Is that a metaphor for something else?"
When he detached himself abruptly, it left Bella with mental whiplash, finding Edward sitting primly beside her, his legs crossed casually. The rumble of small, but distant feet running in their direction explained the change.
He raised his eyebrows, mouthing, "Are you alright?"
"Very," she mouthed back, and then turned to brace herself for Josh's impact.
It never came.
Edward had snatched him up in the air. "Airplane!" he said, flying Josh around carefully above his head, soliciting delighted squeals.
Mer's arrival was much more sedate. "Esme said we could have a cookie after our snack!"
Esme cleared her throat from the doorway.
Meredith sighed and very nearly rolled her eyes. "If you said it was okay. It's okay, right?"
"Yes, it is. Thank you for checking." Bella sent Esme a grateful look. Her children did not handle sugar well.
Esme's smile didn't seem to have an end.
While the children were distracted by their snack, Esme came and squeezed Bella's hand, her wordless joy so clear in her eyes. Bella realized that she had inadvertently given a powerful gift to Esme, this woman who had loved Edward for longer than Bella had been alive; she had brought happiness to her adopted son. It was a poignant realization, one that Bella wondered if only another mother could truly understand.
Carlisle wandered into the room and stood quietly just inside the doorway. His expression was unreadable, some sort of mixture there that Bella couldn't fathom. She would have wondered if he was having one of his silent conversations with Edward, but she realized he only had eyes for his wife at that moment
"What do you want to do?" Edward suddenly asked, interrupting her thoughts.
"About?"
"Dinner?" He smiled.
The expression was so blinding she could've been knocked over by a word.
"Is here alright?" Edward asked gently. Bella wondered fleetingly if he had intentionally dialed back the 'dazzle' of which she had always accused him before.
Esme spoke up. "Is spaghetti alright for the children? I have the ingredients here. I'm sorry, the sauce would be from a jar. It's supposed to be organic and no sugar, though, and I have some salad . . ."
She sounded so disappointed in herself, even though she had clearly gone out of her way to educate herself and buy something that would be safe for the kids that Bella immediately reassured her. "Oh Esme, some days it's all I can do to get a balanced meal on the table. That sounds great, thank you."
Esme beamed at her, and if Bella wasn't mistaken, might have tossed a self-satisfied glance at her husband before turning to the stove.
Bella wondered if it was okay to go home after they had dinner. Watching Josh happily munching on his cookie, she chewed on her lip. If they weren't home, she wasn't sure how he'd handle the change in routine and place.
"What is it?" Edward asked softly.
"Is my place safe?" she asked just as quietly.
He paused for a moment, obviously listening, before he answered. "It appears to be. Why?"
She breathed out a sigh of relief. "Just, bedtime routines." She looked at Josh.
Nodding, Edward's eyebrows pinched together, and she wondered what he kept silent.
Jasper and Alice had walked into the kitchen now, Bella only catching a glimpse of them as they smiled from a distance, holding each others' hands. Alice eventually pulled away, grinning widely at Bella, and then joining Meredith at the table. Josh greeted her with, "Sister!"
"Yeah," Alice said, "I'm Edward's sister."
"Man," Josh said, frowning as he corrected her.
To her credit, Alice kept a straight face, though Bella stifled a laugh. She suspected she wasn't the only one. "Yes," Alice said, "I'm 'Man's' sister."
This seemed to please Josh, who grinned through a mouthful of cookie.
Still smirking, Bella glanced at Edward's face and recognized his bemused expression. She couldn't control her chuckle then and squeezed his hand in apology, thinking it was a good thing Emmett wasn't here to tease his brother again.
"These are really yummy," Meredith said to Esme, turning to face her, wiping a stray crumb from the corner of her mouth, and then thriftily licking her hand.
"I'm glad you liked it," Esme said.
"May I please have another one?" Meredith asked sweetly.
Oh, how the manners could come out to play when they wanted something, Bella thought. "I think we're going to have dinner fairly soon, so not now."
Josh, however, seemed to have seized upon the key word in discussion, and having finished his own, piped up, "Cookie?" He looked around hopefully.
"They're all done for now," Bella said.
Clearly, they were not, because Josh pointed to the counter where a near-full plastic clamshell container sat.
"You've had your cookie," Edward said gently. "Those are for everyone else."
Meredith had pushed away from the table, and gone to look at the cookies, attempting to visually quantify them and the number of people in the room. "But there are lots left. Josh and I would only have one more."
Bella sighed, getting up and moving to kneel beside Meredith, quietly explaining that they'd have dinner soon, and could have a cookie afterwards, if Esme offered her one.
Esme set the cookies in one of the pantry cabinets and closed the door, murmuring, "I'll just put them away for now."
"Cookie!" Josh said, pointing to the cabinet, voice approaching a whine.
"The cookies are all done for now," Bella said again softly, knowing that repetition was key with Josh, especially when he was fully-focused on something. Looking around the kitchen, she tried to remember where she'd left her phone. There were a few games he liked to play on it, and she wondered if this might be interesting enough to distract him from his fixation on the cookies. "Let's—"
"COOKIE!" Joshua shrieked, jumping up and down, all his rage at this monstrous injustice appearing in his balled fists and taut limbs.
Edward appeared in front of Josh, kneeling, putting his hands out for Josh to take.
Josh ignored him, face reddening, peering around Edward's body, eyes squarely on the cabinet where the cookies had gone. Bella wondered if she could just take him out of the room so that the inevitable melt-down wouldn't happen with all the Cullens for an audience.
"May I help him?" Jasper asked Bella. She saw that he had quietly moved closer.
She was suddenly uncomfortable, knowing Jasper could feel every bit of unease she was feeling—anxiety, embarrassment—and hoping that he realized those feelings had nothing to do with him. He was simply offering to help her child, and she teetered on the edge of accepting, deliberating if this was skirting teaching Josh to manage his feelings—
"Only if you want," Jasper murmured, clearly respecting her boundaries.
She looked at Josh again, watching his little body was shake as he repeated "Cookie!" loudly and shrilly.
Edward's voice was low and soothing. "There can be a cookie later."
Bella didn't need mind-reading skills to know that he wasn't being heard. "Please," she said to Jasper, cringing. The request felt like a failure.
"He's really overwhelmed," Jasper said to her, but was directing his gaze at Josh. "There's been a lot of excitement today."
Then Josh stopped talking and stood still, blinking at Edward. At first, he just looked confused, but promptly started crying. He turned around, wrapping his arms around Bella's legs.
She caught sight of Meredith, who had a worried wrinkle in her little forehead.
Edward gently took Mer's hand and she turned to look at him. "It's not your fault." He spoke softly, but Bella caught it, and pulled in a breath, grateful that Edward would've heard her daughter's thoughts. Mer nodded at him.
"Not at all, Sweetie" Bella seconded. "It's okay. This is hard for your brother. He's learning though." She'd picked him up, setting his bum on the counter, letting him sob into her shirt.
Mer came close to her mother, a little hand gripping at her shirttail, so that Bella had Josh sobbing onto her chest, and Mer's face buried in her side. She rubbed at Josh's back and Meredith's head, and then said, "Maybe we can go watch a bit of TV before dinner?" She looked at Edward hopefully.
"Of course. TV?" he asked Josh.
Wiping his nose on Bella's shirt, Josh looked up at Edward. "Tee-bee?" he repeated, hiccoughing a little. "Cars?"
"I think we can find some cars on the TV, yes." Edward held out his hand as Bella stepped aside.
Josh didn't take the offered hand, but leaned forward with the profound trust only a toddler could possess, promptly falling from the counter. Before Bella could even reach for him, Edward caught him and settled him on his hip. Meredith took hold of Bella's hand, and they all walked downstairs to the family room.
At the bottom of the stairs, Josh squiggled out of Edward's grip, running ahead to jump onto the couch. Meredith followed.
In this private moment, Edward took Bella's hand, coming closer to whisper, "He really was overwhelmed. When he's like that, his mind is completely full of that one thing. It's like he can't sense anything else—even you are a flicker on the periphery.
A flicker, Bella thought. No, that didn't surprise her, but she did stop to wonder when Edward would've heard Josh like this before. She made a note to ask him later.
Meredith's quiet question interrupted her thoughts. "Can I sit with you?"
"Of course," Bella said, helping Meredith climb onto her lap as she sat down beside Edward. She put her arms around her daughter and gave her a squeeze. Josh commanded so much of her time that there was a near-constant layer of guilt when it came to finding places to have moments with her oldest. She had the sudden and welcome thought that it might become a little easier now.
When she saw that Jasper had followed them, Bella was grateful. She mouthed a silent, "How's he doing?" to Jasper.
He answered with his hand held out flat, wavering a little from side to side.
That explained his continued presence. "Thank you," she said quietly.
She saw Jasper dip his head as he pretended to watch Edward flick through channels.
Edward looked at Meredith before he spoke. "Meredith, how about we let the youngest person choose the first show, and then the second youngest person choose the next one?"
"Okay." Meredith said. "That means I pick next." She added this with all the authority an almost-five-year-old could muster. Edward smiled and nodded his head as he turned back to the tv.
Bella watched in wonder. She would have suggested the exact same thing to her children. While she reminded herself that Edward might have had many opportunities to interact with children in the ten years they'd spent apart, not to mention decades of overhearing the thoughts of people of all ages, it was still a surprise to see how well he communicated with Mer and Josh.
Mer snuggled deeper against Bella's chest, her limbs tellingly heavy. Peeking at her daughter's face, Bella saw the signs of weariness there. It didn't surprise her. Her children were perceptive, and while they might not have understood the gravity of what had happened in the last hours, they could read enough in the postures and faces around them to know that something troubling had transpired. When Meredith yawned, Bella's body mimicked the action. She was weary too. The day had been an emotional cyclone.
Josh pointed excitedly when Edward found the right channel, and then bounced himself up and down on Edward's legs as he focused on the screen. He was clearly leaving the cookie incident behind, with Jasper's help.
Bella let her head tip back on the couch, closing her eyes. She didn't plan to fall asleep, but it was easy to tell herself she'd just close her eyes for a moment.
When she woke some time later, it was with a startled jerk, registering the sound of Josh's high-pitched shriek.
Snapping herself upright, she stopped moving when her eyes made sense of the scene in front of her. Edward was kneeling on the floor, holding Josh, who was repeating a high-pitched, "Ouchie!" to him, and holding out his hand. A thin streak of blood painted its way down to his palm, and beside him lay the shattered pieces of a delicate glass figurine.
Jasper was still perched on the chair a few feet way, face tense with concentration.
Still in Bella's lap, Meredith stared at the television, oblivious to both her brother's sounds and her mother's growing fear and panic.
"It's just a little ouchie. We'll put a bandaid on it," Edward was saying to Josh.
Bella's gaze swung wildly between Josh and Jasper, her hands trembling.
"Everything's alright," Edward said to her without looking up.
An eerie wave of calm slid over her.
"I'm fine too." Jasper's voice was gentle. When she looked at him, he smiled a little.
"Carlisle, perhaps you can grab me a bandaid?" Edward said. "There are some in my bag with cars on them."
Through the stairway balusters, Bella caught sight of Carlisle's feet as they moved silently down the treads. The rest of him appeared, his gaze sweeping the room before settling on Jasper, but his expression portrayed his usual calm
She followed Carlisle's gaze and watched Jasper's lips move, but she didn't hear anything. What was he saying? She turned to Edward and his lips were moving silently too, his jaw tense. He wasn't looking at Jasper, though, but was turned away from him and focused on the boy in his arms.
Carlisle slipped around the corner, and then returned with a bandaid and an antiseptic wipe in his hand.
Edward took the proferred items, and had cleaned the cut and deftly applied the bandage to Josh's finger almost before Bella could blink. "Better?" he asked Josh. He glanced anxiously towards Bella. She still hadn't moved but she watched as Carlisle walked over to Jasper and gave his shoulder a quick squeeze
Recovered from his upset, Josh squirmed down to the floor from Edward's lap and then bounced on his toes. "Tee-bee!" he said, pointing. "Cars!" he added as he caught sight of the bandaid on his finger. He trotted over to show off his prize to Carlisle, who knelt down beside him to admire it up close.
Bella sat, grappling with the aftermath of her shock. Josh was fine, she told herself as she watched him. Yes. Fine. Then she looked at Jasper, who remained unnaturally still in his seat. She felt Meredith slide off her lap to sit beside her, eyes still glued to the screen a few feet away.
"I'm so sorry," Edward said to Bella. "That happened very quickly." He picked up the pieces of glass, stuffing them in his pocket, and then stood, moving two other glass figurines to a high shelf on the cabinet. "I should've been more careful—"
Bella shook her head, mouth dry as she tried to believe the words she made herself say. "It's okay. That's the way things tend to happen with Josh—quickly." Her nervous smile flickered at the corners and disappeared.
Jasper chuckled, and Edward looked sharply to him.
Bella looked at him too, wondering how he could laugh, knowing what she was feeling. Shouldn't he, out of everyone, be able to feel the magnitude of her emotions?
"Regular exposure," Jasper said softly, clearly reading the question that must have been on her face. "After . . . before, I didn't want to be the weak link." He smiled apologetically.
Bella smiled the same way, not sure what to say, or what to think of what 'regular exposure' meant, although she didn't miss Carlisle's momentary smile. She couldn't wave away the consequence of Jasper's actions those many years ago, but he seemed so calm now, so sure—
"I apologize for before. I didn't mean to diminish what you've accomplished," Edward said to Jasper. "Thank you for helping Josh again."
Jasper shrugged at his brother, nodding to Bella as he stood up. "I think everyone should be alright on their own," he said, lifting his chin to the children. "And I wouldn't mind some air." He moved silently up the stairs, and Carlisle excused himself to follow.
"Are you alright?" Edward mouthed to Bella.
She nodded, still processing what she'd seen.
He sat down and put an arm around her, drawing her away from Mer so that they could whisper to each other out of the children's hearing. "It was . . . difficult for Jasper for a long time after we left. He really has worked very hard since then. I'm not sure I gave him enough credit until today."
"You were . . . talking him down before?" She didn't want to use the word 'warning'.
Edward nodded. "Unnecessarily, as it turns out. I should have had more faith in him."
When she didn't say anything to this, he added, "You're safe with us. All of us."
Bella nodded gratefully. Now that the surprise and panic of the moment was over, a sense of relief began to take its place. While she'd tried not to let it be at the forefront of her mind, as it wasn't something over which she had much control, it had been a worry that lived in the shallow recesses of her thoughts ever since the Cullens' return. While there were many other obstacles to being with Edward, this was one that was now gone, and perhaps it meant that others could be overcome too.