A/N for 2019-08-04: There will be two chapters this week, as this one demanded splitting. Keep your eyes peeled for a mid-week posting.
My beta and I are of the same mind on this: there is a lot of information that will come at you in this chapter, and the next. Much of it relates to what is happening now but ALL of it is important to the rest of the story—and there is a lot of story still to come!
~ Erin
When Bella arrived home, it was clear that her kids had been entirely delighted to have Esme pick them up, Josh particularly, as Carlisle had been included in this bargain.
"Mama!" He greeted her at the front door. "Carlisle! Bubbles!"
Bella felt momentarily disconcerted, thinking he meant the cat, but then his stubby fingers pointed to the bathroom. She followed her excited, skipping boy, and found Carlisle waving a bubble wand at her.
"Bubbles," Josh repeated, looking at Carlisle, who obliged by blowing several glassy orbs over the tub.
"Thank you so much," Bella said to Carlisle and Esme, who had joined them.
"We're happy to help," Esme said, smiling softly.
Seeing Josh well in hand, Bella went back to sit beside Meredith in the kitchen, sharing a quiet moment with her while she finished a glass of milk. It was quick, and her eldest was soon off to her room, intent on something that required "privacy," scissors, and paper.
"Okay," Bella said to no one in particular, watching Mer disappear. She let her gaze sweep the kitchen. It bore the marks of some recent and efficient cleaning—certainly not anything she'd done herself. The chug of the washer was making the pans on the pot rack rattle. Someone had started the laundry.
"I wish you'd let us do more," Esme added, stepping quietly into the kitchen. She took at seat at the table, across from Bella.
"This was a huge help," Bella breathed out. She wouldn't miss the daycare drop-offs and pick-ups over the summer. Another part of her worried about how she would manage everything she still needed to handle, with her increasingly-lowered energy and swelling belly. For now, she didn't allow herself to think about the man she knew would willingly make it easier.
Like she was reading her mind, Esme tapped the seat of the chair beside her. "Put your feet up."
Bella rubbed her face wearily in her hands. "Thank you, but I should get dinner going—"
"I'll get dinner going. You put your feet up," Esme said, standing to indicate that the matter was settled.
And she'd thought Edward could be bossy.
The late afternoon bled into evening and Bella found herself smiling, watching Esme and Carlisle have fun with the children over dinner, their respective bath times, and finally, books before bed. She marvelled at how comfortable they made her feel even though they knew something of the situation between her and Edward. They seemed to be very careful about not taking sides and she was grateful.
"No," Josh said to Bella, pouting and shaking his head. "Man." Bedtime was apparently Josh's cue to inject some awkwardness into the evening. The last few nights, although he hadn't asked for Edward specifically, Josh had looked a little lost, but Bella had taken it as an expression of his obvious sorrow for Bubbles. Clearly he wanted to return to his former routine. Which she had made impossible, for now.
With a sudden inspiration, she asked him, "Do you want Carlisle to put you to bed?"
Josh cocked his head in Carlisle's direction, then nodded solemnly.
Bella glanced at the man in question, lifting her eyebrows in inquiry. She felt a twist of guilt for springing this on him.
"And what does bedtime require?" Carlisle asked.
Bella hid her smile. His voice was tinged with uncharacteristic worry. "A lot of sitting and waiting for him to go to sleep."
"Then I'm more than qualified," Carlisle said, holding out a hand for Josh to take.
Bella watched as they walked up the stairs together. Mer was already tucked in her own bed, happy with a book.
"He'll be fine," Esme said, her hand on Bella's back.
"Oh, I don't doubt it," Bella said. So far, so good, at least. She did wonder at the effect of vampires on children. Edward had always been stunning—literally—but perhaps there was more to it, the younger people were. She tucked the thought away for later.
"I was wondering if we could catch up for a bit, if you're free?" Esme asked.
If she was free. They'd freed up her whole evening. She chuckled. "I'd like that, thank you."
Settled in her living room, Bella curled her feet up under herself, watching Edward's gracious mother sit across from her. Esme's startling good looks seemed so at odds with her surroundings—a stray granola bar wrapper stuck out from under the couch, and a line of scribbled marker ran along the opposite wall..
Esme smiled gently before she spoke, rubbing her fingers over her other hand. Such human gestures. "How're you doing with everything?"
"I'm okay." It was true. She was. Sort of.
Esme's face wrinkled with concern. "Edward explained what happened—"
"Did he?" Bella's voice was sharper than she intended. She didn't apologize.
"I understand you are angry with him, Bella. I think we expected you to be angry with us, too. You have every right."
She did, but she wasn't angry with Esme, or Carlisle, or any of the others. Just with Edward.
Esme was still tracing patterns over her own hand with her fingers. "I'd wondered what you knew about our time away?"
Bella was a bit surprised she'd introduced the topic. "Not much, why?"
"Well, we know a lot about what happened to you when we were apart. I wondered if Edward had shared any of what we experienced."
Edward had definitely glossed over any details, only giving her a cursory list of events. Alice had been tight-lipped too. Bella had suspected there were things Edward feared her knowing, but she hadn't pressed about what, or why. Now Esme seemed to be offering some of the missing information, albeit in a roundabout manner. Bella's curiosity blossomed, and she leaned forward a little. She was sure her expression registered her interest.
Esme nodded a little, almost to herself. "It was a very sudden decision, Bella. I think you know that part. After your birthday, he came home the next morning and told us to pack up and leave. It was so unlike him to take the lead in that way that we allowed his sense of urgency to sway us—even Carlisle. Edward insisted we not say goodbye. He felt it would be cruel to prolong the farewell. And we listened to him." Her small smile was apologetic. "I'm sorry for that."
Bella only nodded, wanting her to go on.
"We initially went east to New York state, but didn't stay for long."
"Alaska," Bella murmured.
"Yes, for a time. Edward wasn't with us for the first part." Esme looked down at her hands for a moment.
"Where was he?"
"The southern states, Brazil, Mexico. A few other places. He tried to find Victoria. When he couldn't, he returned to us. And then," she stopped, looking at Bella directly and lowering her voice, "he was a very different boy."
"How so?" Bella hadn't missed it. Boy.
Esme didn't answer right away. Instead, her fingers interlaced, like a child's at prayer. "Bella, I know you understand grief in a way few women your age can. But, you haven't lost any children, or lost any pregnancies, have you?" Esme asked.
Bella's forehead creased as she tried to puzzle out what Esme was getting at. "No."
"Mmm," Esme said, another sad ghost of a smile on her lips. "It changes you, when you lose a child. I lost my son when he was only a few days old. It's why I tried to kill myself."
Bella could hear the shock in her own voice as she whispered, "I'm so sorry." Edward had told her Esme had been injured in a bad accident. She hadn't understood how protectively misleading his wording had been until this moment.
Esme nodded at her apology, smiling a little wistfully. Bella wondered if Esme felt she had lost Edward in the time she was describing. "When you lose a child," Esme continued, "part of you disappears, and it doesn't ever come back. At least, not as far as I can tell." Her lips flickered in a brief smile again but it looked apologetic and sad. "It's the closest event I can think of to describe how it can be for us when a mate bond is broken. I haven't experienced it myself but I have heard from Carlisle how it can be. He knows of some of our kind who have lost their mates."
It was on the tip of Bella's tongue to say something about her own devastation when Edward had left her but she wanted Esme to continue so she stayed quiet.
Esme spoke again, but she had redirected her gaze to somewhere over Bella's shoulder. "When I first saw Edward again, he looked like I'm sure I did after my son died. It wasn't that obvious, and most of the family couldn't see it, but I could. He tried very hard to hide it and to pretend he was alright. Of course, being able to hear our thoughts, he knew what we wanted him to be like. If I so much as thought of him playing the piano—playing the music I remembered him playing when he was happy, he would go and play it. It wasn't the same, but he got very good at pretending that it was."
Here Esme's face flexed with anguish, and she met Bella's gaze again. "Forgive me, Bella, but I wanted to push him, and I did something very cruel. I thought of you, and I didn't stop thinking of you for hours at a time. Then, I thought of wanting him to play your lullaby. And like I thought he would, he went to play it for the first time since he left you. He sat down on the bench, put his hands on the keys, and then stopped. He kept doing that, putting his hands over the keys, and then dropping them into his lap.. He did that for almost an hour while I, God help me, kept pushing at him. When he finally stood up, I thought he was going to walk away, but instead he smashed his hands through the keyboard. I was watching him. He turned around and looked at me—"
Bella waited with bated breath.
"We're indestructible, Bella, but in that moment, I thought he would break—actually shatter into pieces in front of me just like the piano he had destroyed. I've never seen him so fragile, so ready to come apart—"
"Okay," Bella husked out, feelings flaring. She didn't want to hear any more of this. She didn't want to hear about Edward's pain, Edward's agony, the punishment Edward had suffered.
"You have the right to know what—"
"I've got it, Esme," Bella said, face reddening. She stood abruptly, too on edge to sit anymore.
Esme stretched out her hand as if to calm her. "I'm sorry, Bella. I just thought—"
But Bella couldn't even hear Esme's words.
"I JUMPED OFF A CLIFF SO I COULD SEE A HALLUCINATION OF HIM! I UNDERSTAND WHAT IT MEANS TO BE BROKEN!"
Esme did the vampire equivalent of startling, and became perfectly still, her hand returning to her lap as she quietly watched Bella.
Pulling in several deep breaths, Bella calmed herself. "I'm sorry for yelling," she finally choked out, running a shaking hand through her hair. "I got my best friend killed, because I wanted to see Edward—and not even see him, just what my imagination told me was him." She turned and paced in the small space, forcing away an onslaught of uncertain feelings. Her anger was dissolving, watered down by the tears she kept trying to wipe away from her face.
Esme stood and approached her cautiously. "I don't mean to lessen anything you've experienced."
"You didn't," Bella said, shaking her head. "I'm sorry, I know you mean well and that Edward is . . . your son. I'm just . . ." She wasn't sure what she was, and a loud wail from upstairs prevented her from even beginning to figure it out. She flinched. She'd so hoped tonight would be better with Carlisle and Esme present.
Moving up the stairs, with Esme right behind her, Bella could hear Josh's distressed emanations growing in volume. "Mommy's coming, Josh!" she called. The wailing only increased. It was a full-blown shriek by the time she reached his room.
"MAN! MAN! MAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"
"I know," Bella said, hurrying by Carlisle and trying to pick up Josh. Unlike some previous nights, Bella met an angry protest of small but powerful kicks and punches from her son.
Carlisle lifted Josh away silently, settling him back in his bed, then stepping back. Josh roared and launched himself at Carlisle.
Panicked by the damage she imagined their collision producing, Bella tried to lunge between them, but was held back by an unexpected set of hands at her hips.
Carlisle easily caught Josh, and then put him gently on the floor, a hand on his chest to keep him from trying to lunge again. It wasn't needed though. He'd stopped screaming, and was staring at Bella—or the person behind her.
Expecting Esme, Bella gasped when she turned to find Edward there instead.
"I'll go, if you want me to, but please let me help him first." He looked towards her son, offering him a small but sad smile.
"Man," Josh croaked, hiccoughing and sniffling. He reached out a hand tentatively as if to assure himself Edward was there.
Bella knew that feeling well and felt a twinge of pain at the memory.
"Hi, Josh," Edward said softly.
Frustrated, Bella wanted to tell Edward that he hadn't exactly given her much choice now that Josh could see him, but her heart was painfully torn between her son's need and her own guilt at not being able to soothe him. She reluctantly nodded her permission.
Esme and Carlisle slipped out of the room, and Bella followed, but stayed just outside the door, listening to Josh and Edward. After a moment, she heard the front door close as well. Apparently, the Cullens wanted to give them some privacy. She promised herself that she would check on Meredith in just a moment, but wanted the vicarious comfort of Edward's voice, even as it worked to soothe Josh.
"I missed you too," he said.
"Man," Josh said with an intonation that clearly meant more than the one word.
"I know. I'm sorry that happened to Bubbles. She was your special friend."
The wrenching guilt was too much after this, and Bella pulled herself away, walking briskly towards Meredith's room. Her eldest's newest nighttime book had slipped away from her hands, and her auburn curls were spread out in a messy nest over her pillow. "At least I'm not failing with you," she murmured. Wiping at her own cheeks again, Bella put away the book, trying not to hear anymore of the conversation coming from Josh's room. She turned off the light, and closed Meredith's door, sitting down in the hall chair, waiting.
Edward's soft, "Bella," startled her from her light doze. It was dark, and Edward was haloed by the soft glow of the hall's night-light.
"Whuh?" She said, blinking. It took her a few seconds to remember where she was, and why Edward was there. Her brain's first explanation was that she was hallucinating again. The second recalled the contradiction of the last month.
"He's asleep," Edward whispered. "But before I go, I should explain why he was upset . . . if it's alright for us to talk?"
She responded by bursting into tears.
He crouched in front of her, his worried face visible through her blurry vision. He tentatively brushed her fingertips with his. She wanted to grab his hand with both of hers and not let go, but she made herself wrap her arms around herself instead.
"I've been so angry with you, Edward, and with everyone else, and it hasn't been fair." She wiped her face with her sleeve.
Now he looked confused. "How so?"
"I yelled at Esme, because I was afraid she would keep talking about what happened to you."
Now he frowned, a hint of anger in the angles of his face. "I heard that part. It wasn't her place to tell you those things—"
"No, it was," Bella said, shaking her head, wiping at her nose again, "But I think it would be better if you told me."
"Then let's go downstairs," Edward said, nodding towards Josh's room. "They're both still asleep, but I think it might be a difficult night for him."
She didn't take the hand he offered, pushing herself up to standing with some awkwardness, then leading the way downstairs to the kitchen.
DISCLAIMER: S. Meyer owns Twilight. No copyright infringement intended.