Author's Note for 2019-08-07: I wish I had a way to quantify just how many hours my beta works on this story (I actually spent time on google docs attempting to figure this out!). I'm quite sure the total would rival my writing time. I cannot express enough thanks to Eeyorefan12 for the work she puts into this fic.
Progress update: I'm currently working on chapter 46 of this story, and hope to finish the remaining five chapters of the story soon.
A quick note about guest reviews: I know some of you don't have accounts, and don't want to get them, but dang, I do wish we could chat about some of your really thoughtful comments. It's a nice feature of the site to be able to reply, via private message, to users who leave such insightful reviews.
Speaking of which: I read all your reviews, praising and critical, and recognize the truths they present. In that vein, I'd like to address a few comments that have been posted to the story.
Many of you have expressed frustration with Bella for her anger towards Edward and the situation at large, calling her childish, immature, whiny, etc. She certainly could be seen that way. However, the title for the last chapter was, "What anger hides," because anger truly does protect people from feeling far more disturbing emotions. It can take some time to gather the strength—and perspective—to pull back that protective layer. I think you'll see that in this next chapter.
Another reviewer mentioned that Josh was obviously Autistic. Yes, he is, as mentioned earlier on in the story. However, the reviewer went on to say that he was in "need" of intervention, almost as if Bella has been remiss in not securing this service for him. I would argue that what all people need, Autistic or not, is understanding, love and acceptance. Not a structured regime forcing them to adapt—regardless of their desires—to the world around them. The very premise of ABA (behavioural intervention) therapy is one that sees Autistic people as broken. I assure you, they are not. The world, however, is not a terribly kind or welcoming place for people who are seen to be different. I have many, many mixed feelings about ABA therapy, and I would encourage you to listen to the voices of Autistic people in understanding why this therapy is not the magic solution it is so often presented as.
But I digress.
And you have a chapter to read. I look forward to hearing your responses.
~ Erin
Bella fussed for a little while in the kitchen, getting a glass of water, absent-mindedly almost offering Edward something to drink, then stopping herself, and chuckling despite everything.
"What?" Edward asked.
"Nothing." Her sense of humour was so misplaced, it felt psychotic. The thought was chilling.
By the time she sat down across from him at the table, her courage had shrunk, and she steeled herself for the rest of the conversation. "Esme was going to talk about what happened with the Volturi, wasn't she?" She watched Edward carefully as she spoke, and the minute flinch of pain that crossed his forehead did not go unnoticed. Yes, she'd been right. "It was bad, wasn't it?"
"I'd prefer not to talk about it." Edward's voice was gentle, but there was an edge to it that told her there'd be no wavering on this.
"And I haven't really wanted to talk about what happened to me, but I have. For you." Her tone matched Edward's. She too would not be moved in her resolution to know but the subject was clearly so agonizing for him, she wanted to avoid causing him more pain.
"You know the outcome. There's nothing to be gained in the grisly details."
She hated herself for agreeing, but it was true—though not in the way he would think. "If we're going to be together, I need to understand what you went through when we were apart."
His eyes snapped up to meet hers. "You still want . . . us?"
"I do." Her voice shook. "I love you, and I'm sorry for hurting you by asking you to leave. I needed the time to understand what's been upsetting me." The guilt squirmed in her stomach, and she pressed on. "I want to know, though, what happened."
"You don't want to know, Bella. Please believe me when I tell you that." His jaw had tightened again. "It serves no useful purpose."
She had to pause to consider her choice of words. "Edward, you know what the last ten years of my life have been like—and you know some of the horrific things I've experienced. I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty—I'm saying it because if we're going to be together, we should share difficult things together."
While Edward's eyebrows drew together and he gave a slight nod, his lips remained tightly closed.
"I need to understand what's been hard for you too," Bella said softly. "I don't want there to be years of secrets between us." She watched him wrestle with her request and his desire, as always, to give her what she was asking for. The minute contortions of his face were testament to his internal battle.
When he finally spoke, it was preceded by a slow exhale. "Alice saw them coming a few days beforehand. She didn't see much, just that they would visit. We knew it would be within the season, but that was all. I thought the anticipation was the worst part, which was so foolish. I was stupidly relieved by the time they actually arrived." He paused, his forehead wrinkling. "How much do you actually know about the Volturi?"
"They enforce your one rule. That's about it."
He nodded curtly. "The leaders—Aro, Caius, and Marcus—rarely travel. They send members of their guard to do most of their dirty work. So it was Jane, Demitri, Alec and Felix who came to see us." He swallowed hard and turned his face away for a moment.
How bad it must have been. "What did they do?" Bella almost whispered.
"They told us that they'd heard chatter of a human girl from Forks talking about our kind."
She felt herself shiver. "And how did they find that out?"
He gave a short, humorless laugh. "Oh, they surveil, just as most security forces do. They've mastered the technology, and with their numbers, they don't lack for the ability to monitor what they collect. Not sleeping has its advantages." His voice was bitter.
Bella nodded, wondering how much the Volturi knew of her now, or her family. She tucked those questions away for later.
"Then they asked us about you, by name," Edward said.
It was her turn to swallow hard.
"I was honest, and told them I'd confirmed your suspicions. You knew what we were."
This was startling to hear. She'd expected the Cullens to lie—to protect themselves. "But they could've—"
"Killed us? It appeared unlikely, so I took a chance. They don't know about my gift, so I was able to hear their true intentions. It was how I learned about what had happened to you—and your supposed psychosis. I also saw that they would pass off their lenience as a benefit of Carlisle's friendship with Aro. By the time they reached us, you had already been so thoroughly discredited, that your claims were the flimsiest pretext upon which to make their trip."
Bella waited, lungs barely moving. Edward's narration sounded formal and expressionless. She had always thought of this manner of speech as his 'medical voice', but was beginning to realize she only heard it in times of stress for her, or for himself.
"Many of their guard are talented, like me, or Jasper and Alice. I couldn't figure out how, but they'd learned of Alice and Jasper's abilities. Jane explained that Aro would appreciate their voluntary service in the guard. Alice and Jasper, of course, politely declined. So Jane used other means to persuade them."
A chill settled in Bella's stomach, as she thought of her conversations with Jake. She had told him what Alice and Jasper could do. But not Edward. Never Edward.
"What did she do?" she made herself ask.
Edward closed his eyes. "She tortured them."
He said it so quietly, she doubted her hearing and repeated the words. "She . . . tortured you?"
"Esme," Edward whispered, his eyes on her again. "She tortured Esme first. And they made us watch."
Bella's knew her expression reflected her horror at his revelation. "Oh my God." What had she done, in saying anything?
Edward's features were smooth, but his breathing was rapid and shallow, and Bella knew it had nothing to do with his needing air.
"What . . . happened?" she finally dared to ask. She needed to know what her words had done. Her stomach twisted, thinking of the gentle woman she had come to love, her kindness, her open and generous heart. Her fierce devotion to her family—which she had always made clear included Bella.
Edward's hand twitched, as if he had planned to lift it and changed his mind. "Jane can . . . hurt people. Not physically. But she can make your mind believe you are experiencing the most profound pain you could ever imagine—like our change, only worse, without actually doing any physiological damage."
Bella shuddered, fingers encircling her own wrist. The crescent scar there marked what had been her brief but memorable taste of the pain which Edward had referenced.
"They kept asking Alice and Jasper for their answer, and Esme kept screaming at them to refuse." His voice remained low, his words clipped and stilted as he tried to hide what this retelling was costing him. His attempt was unsuccessful.
What had she done? Bella forced herself to keep her eyes on him as every word he spoke only added to the agony she felt. Edward was staring vaguely in her direction but his eyes appeared unfocused. She thought momentarily of reaching to touch him across the table but the moment it occurred to her, she heard him continue.
"They made Alice and Jasper watch, of course. Alec made it so the rest of us couldn't move, or hear or see what was going on." Edward's eyes finally met hers. "He can do that, you know. He can deaden all your senses with his ability." No, she didn't know. "In my...father's case, I was actually grateful. But I . . . " His voice trailed off as he blinked once and glanced around as if he had just noticed where he was. This time she did take his hand, holding it between her own.
"But you?" she prompted gently, wanting more than anything to ease his pain, whatever it was. She needed to know.
Edward looked at their entwined hands and he stroked one of hers gently with his thumb. "As it turns out, Alec's gift had no effect on mine. I couldn't see or hear through my own eyes and ears but I could through his, and Jasper's, and Alice's—"
"And Esme's," she breathed, the horrified revelation making her pull her hands from his and wrap her arms around herself.
Edward's eyes were still focused on the table as he kept speaking. "When Jane's efforts weren't effective, she stopped, and Felix stepped in. He started removing—amputating—pieces of . . . Esme."
Bella's stomach churned.
He still didn't look at her. "Do you understand now, why I didn't want to tell you this?"
Bella could only nod woodenly, whispering, "I'm so sorry." Her cheeks were wet. She'd started crying, and hadn't even realized it. "There's more, isn't there?"
"Yes," Edward said. He finally looked up and studied her face for a moment. "But Bella, your heart rate is—"
She shook her head. "No," she said firmly, even as the tears were streaming down her cheeks. "Keep going."
He did. "They finally stopped . . . tearing at Esme. It wasn't their intention to kill any of us. Then Jane turned her attention to Rose. " He looked down, swallowing. "Rose is very strong, though, and she fought back. That was when Demetri decided things were taking too long and he was going to take over. It was when he made it clear he was going to. . . hurt her, that Jasper said they'd go with them." His disgusted emphasis on that one word made Bella's skin crawl and she shivered involuntarily.
"I'm so sorry," Bella said for what felt like the hundredth time. The words seemed meaningless when measured against everything he'd told her.
His hand brushed a tear from her cheek. "It's nothing you need to apologize for, Bella."
She closed her eyes; the burden of her own shame was too crushing to carry any longer." It was my fault, Edward." she said softly, lifting her eyes to his. "The Volturi came because of what I said. If I hadn't told anyone, they would've had no excuse—"
Edward shook his head. "The Volturi would have invented a reason. It was only a matter of time. Clearly, they'd been watching us for an infraction that would give them cause."
"But I said something, Edward!" Her voice was growing in volume and pitch. "I told everyone who would listen to me about you, and the wolves. I could have kept my mouth shut, but after Jacob died—I chose to tell. I wasn't insane. I didn't have a psychotic break, I broke my promise—"
Edward had taken one of her hands now. "I broke your heart, and left you in horrific circumstances—with a vampire ready to kill you. My God! I left you with a pack of adolescent werewolves at your door—"
She cut him off, pleading for him to listen. "But I said I would never tell, Edward, and I meant it, and I didn't keep that promise. I told Jake about Alice and Jasper, too. " The tears had returned in full force as the implication of that fact became clear to her. "That's how the Volturi found out. I'm completely to blame for what you and your family went through, and I'm responsible for Jacob's death. If I'd done as you asked—"
"No," he said, cupping her face with both his hands now. "No. There is no point in this. This is all done and gone. We've both suffered enough. Wallowing in guilt won't make anything better."
She could feel herself trembling with emotion as she leaned back to remove herself from his gentle hold. The sudden loss of his touch was painful but she needed the separation. She couldn't say what she needed to with his hands and eyes on her so intimately. "I haven't been wallowing in it, Edward. The other day, when I realized what and when Sue would've known, I thought I was still angry with you, because you'd known too for so long. But it wasn't that. It's taken me a few days to put this all together—and Esme, really talking about what you went through that made me understand. I've been denying all my own failures and faults. It was so easy to blame you for leaving, and just be angry, but if I'm truthful, I gave up on you. I told people what you are and endangered your entire family. I endangered the pack—No!," she said fiercely, seeing him try to speak again. "You need to hear this and I need to say it. I forced the pack to discredit me. How else would they protect their secret?"
"The pack can take care of themselves. Do you really think that anyone would have given your claims around wolves and vampires any credence?"
"No," she said, "but I still forced their hand. They couldn't just let it be."
"They had far better choices," he said darkly. Then his features softened as he looked at her, clearly understanding that she needed her admission to be acknowledged. "But I hear you, Bella. I hear what you are trying to say. And…" He took a long breath as if preparing for something that took great effort, "I accept your apology, as unnecessary as I think it is, on behalf of our family."
Bella nodded with relief, hoping her eyes expressed her gratitude for his concession; her throat felt too tight with emotion to say more at the moment.
He laid his hand on the table, palm up, and waited. When she placed her hand in his, he gave it a little squeeze. "If you're feeling up to it, will you tell me what happened with Jacob?"
Her stomach sank at the question, but she swallowed her own troubled feelings. He'd shared his own hard truth. It was only fair that she did too.
It was a particularly vivid memory, unlike so many of the others she had from that time. "I jumped off a cliff, wanting to see you." A ghost of a smile flickered over her lips, hiding her embarrassment.
Edward's expression was mildly alarmed, but he only nodded, encouraging her to go on.
"I hadn't realized how turbulent the water was. I was able to swim for a bit, but the waves shoved me back against the cliff. I'm guessing I hit my head, because I didn't remember how I got out of the water. When I came to, I was on the beach, coughing up water. Jake was there and he said he was going to get me to the hospital." A shiver ran up her spine. "Then he jumped away and transformed, and Victoria was on him."
It had been terrifying. Victoria had been vicious, swiping and slashing and then dancing away. Bella had heard, rather than seen the snap of Jacob's neck, her mind accepting, in horrifying slow motion, the sight of her friend's human body falling onto the rocky shore. She'd waited for her own end then, knowing there was no point in running, when three other wolves had converged on Victoria, ripping and tearing at her before she'd managed to slip out from under them, disappearing into the wild waters of the sound. Pieces of her had littered the beach.
"Sam tried to calm me down," Bella said. "I was pretty hysterical. After he tried talking to me, it was pretty clear that it wasn't going to work, so he slapped me."
Edward's jaw twitched, but the rest of him remained like stone. Bella swallowed nervously, and continued on.
"That didn't work either. I guess I was still crying and delirious. So they took me to Billy's, while they told him what had happened." Her throat tightened, and the tears spilled out onto her cheeks again. "He didn't say anything to me then, but he knew it was my fault, and he blamed me."
"His werewolf son was killed by a vampire, and he blamed you?"
"I put Jacob in her path, Edward. Billy was right to blame me. Anyway, Sam—you know Sam is their leader, right?"
"Yes," Edward said, the word short on his tongue.
"He drove me home but he kept telling me I couldn't say anything about how Jake died, and that I needed to say he'd broken his neck jumping from the cliff—but I couldn't seem to shut up about Victoria."
"You were very likely in shock, Bella."
She doubted it. Everything around her had felt unnaturally clear and bright. "When my Dad got home, he was freaked out enough by what I was saying to take me to the hospital. They moved me to Port Angeles General a few days later." She wasn't sure if he knew the rest of it, but it wasn't a story she wanted to share any more of right now.
Both of them were quiet for several moments. Bella wondered if Edward was as lost in his own memories as she was in hers. Their conversation had been difficult but she felt proud that they had navigated it this well. She knew that what she had asked Edward to share with her had caused him pain, but he had done as he had promised and told her what she wanted to know. She would have preferred not to ask her last question—to avoid having her worst fears confirmed—but she wanted to collect all the wrongs she needed to own. There was no point in hiding from them anymore.
"What happened after, with the Volturi and Alice and Jasper? After they . . ."
His forehead wrinkled. "After they 'accepted' their invitation?"
Bella swallowed, and nodded, the guilt still curdling in her gut. "They're still here. So, they didn't have to go with them?"
Now Edward smiled almost apologetically. His, "No," was soft. "No, not yet. They asked for time to put their affairs in order."
He made it sound like they were preparing to die. "Their affairs—"
"It's a permanent position. They won't come back."
She couldn't even mask her horror. "But—they can't. Your family—oh my God, if I hadn't—"
Edward's fingers were tighter over hers. "They did it for our family, Bella. It wasn't because of you. The Volturi would have found another way to snare Alice and Jasper." He reached out to brush a few loose strands of hair away from her eyes. "We're not without hope in keeping our family together. We'll figure something out."
Bella wanted to believe his hopeful statement, but struggled. She gave him a wan smile.
"I'm sorry, again, for everything my leaving put you through." he said. "We will end Victoria and her helpers. And I will see you be happy again too."
Her throat was taut with feeling. "I have been happy with you, Edward. I just wasn't sure I deserved it—"
She couldn't say anything else, because he'd erased the space between them, a kiss stopping her words. By the time it ended, she didn't want to talk about how she didn't deserve him, she wanted to crawl into his lap and not ever leave again.
DISCLAIMER: S. Meyer owns Twilight. No copyright infringement intended.