A/N for 2019-08-11: Eeyorefan12 knows these characters like the back of her own hands. And I am grateful for her sharing those insights in this story, and with you. She really is an amazing beta.
This chapter feels pretty big to me. Hope you all enjoy it.
~ Erin
"Will you come sit with me?" Bella asked him. They were still at the kitchen table, foreheads pressed together.
"I do believe I am sitting with you," Edward said gently. Playfully. She didn't have to see his expression to know he was smiling.
She felt herself doing the same, and then asked, fairly certain of what the answer would be, "Will you hold me?"
"Yes," he breathed. He took her hand to help her out of her chair and lead her to the living room before picking her up and settling them on a couch. He pressed his lips into her hair. She could feel him inhale, and she was glad, because she had her arms wrapped around his neck, nose stuck into his shirt, doing the exact same thing. Years before, Edward had explained to her that his scent was only designed to draw in prey, but for Bella it had always felt like home. Now it was true again.
"I've missed you so much," he murmured.
"Me too." She tightened her grip, feeling like she couldn't get close enough to him.
They stayed this way for a while, their mutual embrace relaxing as each of them calmed from the emotional storm of a few minutes before. Bella released her grip first, loosening her fingers to smooth over a wrinkle in Edward's shirt. He stroked her hair back from her face with one hand.
"You're tired," he said.
"A little," she admitted.
"Has it been hard with Josh?" His fingers traced the muscles in her back.
"Yes." She sighed. "He's missed you a lot."
Edward nodded but didn't say more. She realized that he'd probably figured that much out from whatever Josh had shared with him upstairs. Now she wondered what else there had been.
"What did you want to tell me about him?"
"It's alright," Edward said. "I don't think it's that important right now."
This verbal evasion did not hearten her. If anything, a flurry of dire possibilities made her stiffen. "What do you mean?"
Edward's fingers continued to brush gently across her back, moving to soothe her. "I'm sorry," he said. "Of course you need to know. Josh was afraid I wouldn't come back, like his father, or the cat. And," he hesitated only briefly, "he was a little concerned that he might have done something wrong . . ." Edward let his voice trail off, apparently deciding that she could work out the rest of that thought on her own.
She took a deep breath as she realized what he was telling her. Oh, my poor Josh. Yes, she had needed to know that.
Edward's arms tightened. "I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."
She realized Edward didn't fully understand all the worries she carried. "I know," she whispered. "I just wish I had spared him the anxiety over you." She felt stupid for not having made this most basic of connections. She'd been so preoccupied with her own mess of feelings, she'd neglected her children's. She was descending into the endless well of maternal recriminations when Edward spoke again.
"Don't," Edward said. "We're here and we're together. Let's move forward and focus on what's next."
Bella agreed with moving forward, but she thought of the many challenges Josh already faced. Edward helped with some, but not all. Josh would need what felt like an unimaginable amount of support to simply learn how to interact with others, and make friends and—everything. All this on top of the great grief his tiny body carried. The air felt heavy, leaving her chest in a long sigh.
"He will be okay. They both will." Then Edward smiled and rested his hand on the small lump at her abdomen. "This one too, though I wish you'd rest more."
No, he wasn't a parent. Not yet. But he was making a good start.
She let herself laugh a little at his last comment. "I don't think I could rest any more than I have this evening." She looked over at the couch facing them. The errant granola wrapper was gone. The toys had been tidied, and—she reached her hand out—yes, the coffee table had been dusted. The Cullens were helpful in so many ways, and she felt a rush of gratitude.
"You're growing a life. It's a lot of work on top of living your own, and caring for other little lives too," he reminded her.
"It's what moms do," she countered, shrugging.
"Yes, it is," he sighed. "And it is late, and you have work in the morning."
She lifted her eyebrows. "Are you attempting to send me to bed, like an errant child?" He wasn't, was he?
"Oh no, I know better than that." Edward smiled, and kissed her forehead. Then he nuzzled his way down her cheek, claiming first her upper, and then lower lip. "I don't want to send you to bed like a child," he murmured. "If anything, I want you to ask me to your bed as a woman. When you're ready."
She shivered a little at his tone, accepting another kiss. Not so long ago she would have stiffened with apprehension. She hadn't been ready yet for what Edward referred to, but she might be now.
As his kisses continued against her neck, Bella marvelled at the way things had changed between them since their time in Forks. He would've dictated subtley then, dismissiveness or paternalism colouring his tone. That was rarely there now, and what little she noticed was mostly directed to concerns about her health.
Edward moved back a bit on the sofa, helping her slide from his lap and settle beside him. His arm remained around her, though, as if he couldn't release her completely. She liked the feeling. "What do you want to do then?" he asked her.
How different indeed.
"You're staying?" she asked, biting her lip.
"Until you repeatedly chase me away. And even then, you might need to involve Emmett and Jasper." He said it with such a straight face that she couldn't help a small giggle.
"Good," she said, still smiling a little. "I'm sorry that I keep asking you—"
"Don't be. You have every right to worry about it, because I did leave. I think it will be a while before that anxiety fades. I can wait. "
She sighed again, letting herself lean against his chest, her flushed face feeling more comfortable against the coolness of his chest. After a few minutes, she yawned. "I think I should head to bed, if I'm going to be more than a warm body in class tomorrow."
Edward picked her up without comment, taking her in the direction of the stairs. For once, she didn't argue about being carried as he whispered soft, chaste kisses over her face. The night ended with the equally gentle kiss of sleep twinned with the cool comfort of Edward's body beside her own.
- 0 -
It was one thing to find the steps to the dance of their relationship, but it was another thing entirely to manage the unchoreographed chaos that was life with children. Another day had passed before they had time to find a moment to talk about more than such immediate issues as who was picking up the children and what to have for dinner
Bella was pulling a brush through her hair that night, trying to get the last tangles out of the back before getting into bed.
"Do you want me to help?" Edward asked.
She was so used to doing this herself that her knee-jerk reaction was to say no, but the offer of such an intimacy overpowered it. "Sure."
Sitting down on the edge of the bed, Edward worked gently through the strands, teasing out the little knots that had formed at the nape of her neck. She sighed. It felt nice. Matt had usually brushed Mer and Josh's hair. They'd always complained that Bella did it too hard. She wondered if Edward would live up to their expectations on that front. If his current ministrations were any indication, there would be no problem.
This made her thoughts circle back to Meredith's question from earlier that evening.
"Are you a dad?" her daughter asked Edward, as he sat with them at dinner.
"Not yet," he said airily.
"You do lots of dad stuff," she persisted.
He smiled at her, sliding a small forkful of food into his mouth. Then he winked at Bella, who rolled her eyes at him. He knew very well that she watched him like a hawk at every meal he pretended to eat with them, trying to finally catch him at the disappearing game that was a Cullen art form. She'd yet to succeed.
"Man!" Josh contributed, looking at Meredith, and then Edward. He smiled, flashing a set of broccoli-covered teeth. "Trees!" he added, taking another bite of his vegetables.
"It's bro-cco-li," Mer said. "Say, 'bro-cco-li.'"
"Tree!" Josh replied.
The questions about who exactly Edward was, had disappeared then, at least for the children. They remained for Bella.
She paused him in his hairbrushing task, turning to face him.
"Yes?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.
"I was thinking about Mer's question."
"Hmm," he said thoughtfully, not supplying more, but waiting for her.
"I know what you are to me, but I'm not sure how to explain that to the kids."
"What, 'Man', isn't cutting it for you?" he quipped, chuckling.
She snorted out a laugh. "Cute. While that seems to be working for Josh, I suspect Meredith might want to have a more concrete label to use with her friends."
"So what words would you use?" Edward asked, his voice soft.
She reached out and fingered the hem of his shirt as she looked up at him. "The man I love."
"That's a bit of a mouthful for a five-year-old." His words were playful but she could still tell that she had affected him. He set down the hairbrush and took her hand in his.
"Okay, 'Man', you give me one then."
"Oh, that's easy. You are my sun," Edward said.
She wanted to give him a witty retort, but didn't. His light tone hadn't fooled her. She knew the weight of such words. This was more than finding labels.
"A man with metaphors," she said instead. "Hmm." She could appreciate those.
"I've had simpler ones for you, but they haven't been right. My love, my mate. my soulmate . . ." He shook his head.
"Those don't work for you anymore?" she asked. She would have liked the last one to have stuck.
"No. They didn't communicate the truth of what you are. For me, there isn't much point to living without the sun."
The gravity of his statement was stunning. She struggled to speak, her heart swelling with emotion. Finally, she cleared her throat. "So you've taken 'sun.' Feeling like I'm short on options here."
He smiled, that crooked display that made her heart skitter a few beats. Leaning over, he kissed her.
When it ended, she breathed out, "I could always tell them you're my preferred intoxicant."
He laughed out loud, hard enough to make the whole bed shake. It was a delightful sound and she wanted to hear it again.
"What?" she asked, chuckling.
He shook his head, squeezing her hand. "I was wondering what you're like, when you're intoxicated."
"Behold," she said, waving a hand at her face.
He shook his head. "No, I mean actually intoxicated."
"Oh," she said, smiling. "Well, you'll have to wait and see." She patted her stomach.
"Tch," Edward said, leaning towards her and kissing her neck. "A glass or two of something is perfectly safe in pregnancy."
Bella pulled back. "Seriously? You, Doctor Edward Cullen, are telling me that drinking is safe during pregnancy?"
"One or two drinks is very different from drinking."
"Not in my books, it isn't."
"Then let me get you some better books to read."
She giggled as he pulled her onto his lap.
"Really, it is. France is testament to that." He waved his hand eastward.
Matt and Bella had both been sticklers on the no drugs, no alcohol, no anything that might cause harm during her pregnancies. She'd felt guilty just thinking of missing an occasional glass of wine.
"I'll take that under advisement," she said. She'd also ask her midwife when Edward wasn't around. "But we've kinda gone off topic here. I need to talk to Mer and Josh, and give them some words for who you are to me, and to us."
"What are you thinking, then?"
She sighed, sitting on his lap. "I love you. I want to tell them that, and that it doesn't mean I didn't love their Dad. I especially want them to know they should still love him and we can talk about him, whenever they want to."
"That sounds good." He tucked a bit more of her hair away from her face. "It's important for them to remember."
Bella wondered for a moment why he had added that last comment. Perhaps he felt guilty about usurping Matt's role in their lives? Then it came to her: in all the ways that mattered, Edward had been adopted by another man when he had lost his father. Although it had been long ago, vampire memories were powerful. She couldn't think of anyone she knew who would understand her childrens' situation any better.
She struggled for her next words, knowing he was aware of that fact but he was patient. "And while I have no issue calling you my lover," she continued, "somehow, I think that might raise some eyebrows coming off the lips of a five or two-year old."
Edward chuckled now. "Lubber," he quipped.
This sent Bella into a paroxysm of giggles. Josh had trouble with 'V's, and they were often produced as a darling 'B'. "Okay, maybe I'd be cool with that from the two-year old," she admitted between her snickers. "But really, what am I going to introduce you as?"
"Well, boyfriend worked before." He shrugged.
She groaned.
"What?" he asked. "Are you embarrassed to know me?" This was accompanied by a sardonically-lifted eyebrow.
"No. It's just . . . it's difficult to have people think of you as less than what you are to me. It feels wrong to introduce you as just my boyfriend, but—"
"Then don't," he said, voice utterly serious.
Her heart had definitely stuttered. Now she licked her lips. "Pardon?"
"Marry me," he whispered.
She blinked, or she thought she did, and realized after a moment that she was staring at him. His words had been so unexpected that she felt like her brain was trying to catch up to their meaning. His body had gone still beneath her, and it was then that she realized what her hesitation was costing him.
"I'm sorry," he said, shaking his head slightly. "It's too—"
"Yes," she blurted out.
It was his turn to stare, not saying anything. He brushed her cheek with his fingers, his touch so tentative that he could have been trembling.
"Yes," she said again, more softly.
His sudden smile was so wide she couldn't help but match its breadth. She lost herself in the long, deep kiss that came next, only stopping when he pulled away so she could breathe.
"I like the sound of fiancé," he said.
"I like it too." She liked even better the solidity of its promise, and the way he looked at her as he said it. There were other practicalities that sat less easily with her, but they were small in the scope of a whole life together.
"This is not how I planned to ask you." Edward looked embarrassed.
"You've been planning?" She felt stupidly pleased about this revelation.
She could've sworn she saw a flush in his cheeks. "No, more just fantasizing. For about the last ten years."
"Ah." Yes. She could imagine it. He hadn't come back to her because he thought it unsafe for them all. But he had thought of her—she believed that now—and missed her. And he wanted her. "What did you plan, in these fantasies?" She spread her hands over his chest, hoping the gesture was intimate and not silly. Seduction had never been her strong suit.
"Taking you to dinner." Edward's curious eyes were on her hands.
"Very cliché." Her fingers toyed with the buttons on his shirt. She saw the muscles of his throat move as he swallowed.
"Even at The Tea House?" he asked. The words sounded a little forced. Maybe she was better at this than she thought.
She considered the venue, beautiful but expensive, though redeemed by its sea-side setting and nearness to the city's wide swath of park-land. "Definitely cliché." She slid her hands further up his chest, reaching for the buttons at his collar.
"Hmm," he said, then was silent for a bit. He raised his eyes to hers. "But mostly, I've thought of the day I left you in the woods."
Bella's fingers stopped moving.
"And how much I've wanted to redeem that horrific mistake. How much better it would've been to ask you to stay with me forever then, because I wanted to. I wanted to ask you to marry me, Bella, even that day." He pressed his forehead to hers. "I've fantasized about having that moment back, and giving you different words, not breaking your heart. You deserved so much better, and I'm afraid you deserve so much better now. Are you sure you want me? It will mean giving up other things, things that are important to you."
"Don't doubt my answer," she said, her voice low and serious. She returned her hands to her lap. Now was not the time. "I want you now in every way, just like I wanted you to stay then."
"I really don't deserve you, do I?"
"Nope," she said, elbowing him gingerly in the ribs, "but you've got me anyway. So don't screw it up by being all agonized over it."
For the second time that evening, his laugh was loud and genuine—although he quieted immediately, probably thinking of the sleeping children nearby. "I love you so much."
"Me too. And if you really want, you can plan a whole cliché proposal and do this all over again, because the answer won't change."
As he wrapped his arms around her and drew her back against his chest, she surrendered willingly.
"I'm going to hold you to that," Edward murmured into her hair, voice thick with emotion.
She smiled to herself as she allowed the joy of this moment, finally realized after so much sorrow, to flow through her, sharing it with the man she loved.
DISCLAIMER: S. Meyer owns Twilight. No copyright infringement intended.