Thanks to all my readers, and a special thanks to those of you who take the time to review!
For those of you in the US, this week is National Teacher Appreciation Week. You can read this, so thank a teacher!
Chapter 7: Bonding
It felt like both forever and not nearly long enough when Beth pulled herself out of Daryl's arms to fiddle with something at her side he couldn't see in the darkness of his cell. "I thought this," he could hear the whirring sound of her cranking an emergency lantern, "might help," she flicked it on and filled the small space with bluish-white light. "I can't leave it with you but at least we can see each other while we talk."
Daryl wanted to take in the sight of her, but his eyes couldn't move past the two scars marring her face. They were fairly thin but still sizeable marks, one cutting over her right eyebrow, the other slashing her cheek on the same side, coming dangerously close to her eye and slicing back towards her ear. Growing up the way he had, he knew how hard abusers fought to keep their handiwork from being visible. If they could do this to her face… "What've they done to ya?" he growled, his breathing heavy and every muscle rigidly locked.
She shook her head, "Daryl, it ain't… no one here has ever hurt me. This is from before. From the ones who took me from the funeral home." She stepped closer to him, the lantern at her side casting her face in strange shadows. "I'm not a prisoner here. I chose to walk in, chose to stay."
"Can you walk back out?"
She exhaled heavily, "And go where?"
Sounds a lot like being a prisoner to me. But he didn't say it aloud, letting the silence speak for itself as he brushed a thumb over her cheek scar, feeling its raised ridges and wishing he could swipe it away along with all the pain that must have come with it. "They dead?"
She nodded. In the lantern's glow, he could see that her blue eyes held a darkness that wasn't there before, even when she was at her angriest with him.
He returned her nod. That was something, at least, that he didn't need to trek back to Georgia, find the fuckers who dared to mark her, and rip them apart. Because that had definitely been on his to-do list for the past two years. And now that he could breathe just a bit easier he could also allow his eyes to sweep over the rest of her, taking in the softening of her jaw line, the slightly fuller cheeks. She was still thin, tiny even, but she no longer looked frail and fragile as she had seemed to him when they escaped the prison together. There were times in those first few dark days, before he knew the inner steel she carried that could cut through his angry walls, that he'd thought he'd look back to find she'd blown away with the slightest breeze.
But there was something more to her than healthy eating could change. Something… Any other woman would have smacked his hands away, punched him in the face or kicked him in the balls, but Beth just stood there patiently as he put both his hands on her body, gripping firmly under her arms and pressing in against the wool fluff of her sheepskin vest to get a sense of her curves, sliding down her torso, around her hips with clinical precision. It was there, his palms resting on her jean-clad hip bones and his thumbs pressing on her lower stomach that was no longer perfectly flat that the realization finally dawned on him.
"You're a mama." Daryl's voice was soft but carried confidence with a sense of wonder.
Beth smiled softly, "Yeah." Her eyes were brighter, the darker memories pushed away for the time being. "Don't think I'll ever get my body quite back, but…"
Daryl scoffed that notion away. What did he care if she had a few stretch marks? She'd brought a life into the world. He'd never understood why women freaked out over that sort of thing before. She'd had a baby growin' inside her for cryin' out loud, of course it changed her. And if someone had anything to say to her about it, to make Beth feel like she wasn't enough just 'cause she wasn't shaped like a damn Barbie doll…
And then it hit him. If Beth is a mama, then there had to be a daddy. And all the shit that Negan had taunted him with, how intimately he knew Beth, how close they were… Shit. Everything just got a whole lot more fucking complicated. "Is he…" Daryl hesitated, didn't know how to ask. "Is he good to ya? He treat you right?" Daryl wasn't sure what he wanted the answer to be. If Beth loved Negan and he loved her back… on the flip side, if that smug-faced bastard had dared make one tear fall down her face, whether he'd laid a violent hand on her or not…
"He…" Beth's confusion was clear on her face as she worked through the questions beneath Daryl's actual words before her eyes widened in realization. "You mean Negan? Oh no. No-no-no-no. Nope, no way. Not happenin'," she laughed. "Negan and I? Um, no. Just no."
Okay, he could breathe again. And probably should. Air was a good thing. He pulled a shaky breath in deep through his nose while Beth continued, "He's asked, of course. Several times, which I guess is supposed to be flatterin'. But no, Negan is, um… I mean we get along fine, and I know how to handle him. Reminds me a lot of Shawn, actually, the teasin' and all. And once I got that in my head… At any rate, even if I didn't look at him and think it'd be like kissin' my brother, I'm not one for sharin'. Not that kind of sharin', anyhow."
Daryl quirked an eyebrow in question.
"Negan's married. With seven wives. There have been more. But seven now. I know it's in the Bible and all, and I know with times bein' what they are… and Mama and Daddy would say I shouldn't judge, that that's the Lord's business… I'm friends with a few of them and they all say it works for them, that they knew what they were gettin' into and they're fine with it. But I just…" She shook her head. "You mind if we sit?"
They both moved to put their back against the same wall, setting the lantern on Beth's other side near the door. "Really need to get some new shoes," she observed absently as she squeezed each foot between her palms while still in her thin-soled sneakers, "Just hard to save up the points with little ones."
Daryl wasn't sure which to tackle first. Little ones meant more than one kid, which meant she had some kind of long-standing relationship, which was fine. So long as it wasn't Negan (which it wasn't). Or Dwight (which it better not be). Or any of the other fuckers who had held their family at gunpoint on the road (which, he admitted, was a possibility). But as long as he treated Beth the way she deserved and she had chosen to be with him, Daryl wouldn't complain, even if he was one of Negan's Saviors. It'd make things difficult, of course. But Daryl promised himself he wouldn't make things awkward. More than two years had passed since whatever they never got to say to each other at that funeral home; and who knows if whatever they might have felt back then had meant anything more than whatever it felt to be the last two people at the end of the world anyway? If Beth had found a way to not be miserable, had found someone who made her smile and laugh and feel happy to be alive, Daryl was genuinely okay with it. But whoever the lucky son-of-a-bitch was had better know how fucking lucky he was to have her smiling because of him, had better do everything in his power to make sure she never had a reason to stop smiling at him, too. Because if he didn't, Daryl wouldn't stop until he'd broken every bone in the ignorant, useless motherfucker's body. And then put him back together so he could break him all over again. And the fact that he apparently couldn't even take care of getting her shoes that didn't hurt her feet was definitely not earning Beth's mystery man any brownie points where Daryl was concerned.
"Can't your husband help out with that?" his tone was more accusatory than he'd intended. So much for not making it awkward.
Daryl felt her muscles seize up where their bodies met as they sat side-by-side and she had trouble meeting his gaze. "I um… it's not… There isn't any… I mean, there is… Negan wouldn't've stopped askin' me to marry him otherwise, but it's not…"
She kept wringing her hands and her complexion was paler than usual, the blue-white light from the lantern already pulling some of the color from her face and her sudden nervousness stealing the rest. Jesus, did we kill him? Was her husband or boyfriend or whatever at that satellite outpost? It would be his luck, out there trying to do right by his family and ending up hurting the one person he most wanted to protect. Was always failing to protect, it seemed.
"I was pregnant before I left Georgia." She took a breath to steady herself and it seemed she was pulling the air directly from Daryl's lungs. He wasn't stupid. Or naïve. He knew that whoever had driven off in that car with the white cross was no saint out on a late-night ride to rescue random damsels in distress. But Beth had smiled when she thought of her child and she was here and healthy and, for a moment, Daryl had let himself think that she'd somehow escaped with nothing more than couple of scratches and a bad memory or two.
"Didn't mean to be, of course, and didn't know it at first either. It's funny – when I was little, I always dreamed of having children. Lots of 'em, a whole house full. There'd be noise and messes and barely controlled chaos, but in my daydreams I loved every second of it. Saw myself takin' all my little ones to the farm every Sunday after church to play, eat a big Sunday dinner with Mama and Daddy. But I never saw my children's daddy. Knew there was one, fuzzy in the background, but never really put much thought into him. I guess God or the universe has a funny way of makin' our dreams come true. " She turned to look at him now and there was strength and determination in her gaze, "I'm not sorry, Daryl. Whatever else, I'm not sorry for my children. I love 'em and they're my everything, and I'll never be sorry for that."
What are you sorry for? He remembered how she'd whispered that she was sorry, too when she first walked in and wrapped her arms around him. He wanted to reach for her now, wanted to wrap around her again, as if his hug could somehow make whatever she'd been through an easier weight to carry. It had worked on him, at the moonshine still when she'd held him from behind while he grieved. But that was her choosing to hold him up, not the other way around, and anyway, they'd have to move, and he wasn't sure how to navigate that. Beth had always taken the lead with any kind of closeness between the two of them. When it came to physical contact that wasn't absolutely required, aside from Carol's playful shoulder bumps or Rick's hand clapping his back or arm, Daryl had no real experience and certainly no expertise.
It seemed Beth had her own ideas, though. She twisted around until her back was more to him and wedged herself more fully against his side, pulling his arm under hers to wrap around her middle. It was almost a hug, almost like what she had done for him all that time ago, just this side of familiar that Daryl was comfortable enough to rest his hand along her stomach while she kept her hand over his, rubbing her thumb absently back and forth across his knuckles.
The position also allowed Beth an excuse to not look him in the eyes while she softly revealed, "It was… bad. It was real bad. I know that's what you wanna ask about. The ones who took me. I ain't never talked about it. And I don't ever wanna tell anyone else. Just you. But not tonight. There's so much… But one day I'll tell you, and only you. It don't belong to no one else."
Daryl nodded in acceptance, though from Beth's new spot she couldn't possibly see it. As much as he wanted to pull the details from her, he was never going to be the person who tried to force her to relive whatever she had been through. He knew a little something about keeping your pain to yourself, about that being the only kind of power or control you had when everything else was stripped away. She had survived, somehow, and that would have to be enough.
"You said children… more than one?" it seemed a safe enough way to change the subject, given her earlier smile.
"Yeah… did I ever tell you my mama was a twin? And her uncles were triplets? Kinda runs in the family," she chuckled. "Had a boy and a girl. Plus there were two kids bein' held there, and I couldn't leave 'em behind, so, ah… mama of four! Crazy, right?"
"You're a great mama." Daryl was certain.
"You ain't even seen 'em."
"Don't have to. Saw you with Lil' Asskicker, with all them kids that came in from Woodbury. Any kid would be lucky to have you as their mom."
Four kids. He couldn't even imagine it. Surviving whatever horrors had been done to her and then, by herself with unborn babies in her belly and two more kids who were probably scared out of their minds and just as tired, hurt, and hungry as she was, trekking across Georgia, the Carolinas, and nearly all of Virginia. And if she didn't know she was pregnant until she was leaving Georgia, that put her doing all this in the winter, late fall at best. He'd had a hard enough time feeding their family and had none of her excuses. Woman leaning her braided hair against his shoulder was tougher than all of them.
"Can I ask just one question? And then the rest can be whatever you want, but… Who made it? Our family, who made it here? I know I could ask Negan, but… well, that'd be at least ten minutes of my life I'd never get back. Man really loves the sound of his own voice. And I'd rather hear it from you anyhow."
Could she ask… had he done something to make her think she couldn't? He was no good with conversation most of the time, but he'd thought the two of them were comfortable enough in each other to say whatever came to mind. Whatever, he'd figure it out and fix it later. Each name he gave her resulted in an arm squeeze where she held his pinned around her. Judith had earned a gasp and small squeal, and his revelation that Rick and Michonne had gotten together resulted in an "Aww… that's perfect! I can see them bein' real good for each other. And Judy finally has a mom."
Daryl wanted to interject that she'd had one in Beth from the very start, but that was something they could hash out another day. They had time, something Daryl had thought for a long while now would never be possible. He then told her about the other child who'd survived the prison falling and how he'd convinced a couple in Alexandria to adopt him.
"I know, Aaron already told me about Luke. It was hard not to tell him who I was and how I already knew Luke from when he was little, well, littler. I wasn't sure if my name would mean anything to him or not, but once he mentioned his family I knew right away I was gonna try to find a way for them to stay in touch until Negan lets him go, so…"
"Aaron's allowed to talk to his family? And you can get close to him?"
"He can write to them," Beth clarified. "And Negan gets to read the letters ahead of time if he wants. And yes, Aaron's working in the hospital wing with me. I'm a doctor here, one of 'em anyways. Aaron's alright. He ain't bein' kept in a cell like this. Got regular clothes and food and his own space. And I'm keepin' a pretty close eye on him, got a couple of friends helpin' when I can't be around."
It was a bit of a reassurance. When Negan had revealed that Aaron was a fellow prisoner, Daryl hadn't trusted his word that Aaron was being treated better than himself. But Beth wouldn't lie, not to him anyway. And her as a doctor made perfect sense to him. She'd taken to assisting Hershel in their time at the prison, not only patching up scrapes but also learning about herbal remedies he knew. Plus, helping people came so naturally to her that, even if the world hadn't turned on itself, he could hardly imagine her doing anything else with her life.
He saved Glenn and Maggie for last, knowing he was also bringing with it a question that had been bothering him for hours. "Negan said he told you already about her."
"He did." She hedged. It wasn't the first time tonight he'd felt her muscles ripple in discomfort, emotional rather than physical. Like she was holding something back from him, maybe from herself as well.
"Beth, I don't know how much real freedom you got here, but if you can get to her… that night, he said he was sending her to someplace called Towers. She didn't look good, Beth, we wouldn't have had her out there if it weren't important. Ain't tryin' to scare you, but I ain't gonna sit here and act like she don't need help, either."
"I know, Daryl. I know where she is and I know what's wrong with her, and I didn't have to go through Negan to get it. Towers isn't a place, it's a person. Connie Towers, she's an OB/GYN in another community. It's a doctor for women – "
"Just 'cause I ain't never gonna need one for myself doesn't mean I don't know what a gynecologist is."
"Oh," she chuckled softly. "Shouldn't assume, I guess. You don't know how many times I've had to explain stuff to the men here."
He gave her another gentle squeeze, communicating without words that he didn't mind, they were good.
"Connie's really good, the best there is when it comes to mamas and babies. She's delivered more than a hundred since the turn, mine included. Maggie's in the best place she could be. And Connie did a relay chat with me the day after y'all got taken to tell me about Maggie herself. She's been teachin' me, you see. I knew all the things Daddy had taught me, enough that no one had anything to say when I volunteered to work in the hospital wing. But I knew I had a long ways to go. And Dr. Carson is very good, Emmett knows his stuff and all. Had a good practice before from what I understand. Just, when it comes to pregnancy and babies, well, Connie's the best. Between visits and books and radio calls, she's been givin' me a crash course in medical school. And we've gotten real close, so when they brought Maggie to her, she recognized her name. Maggie's fine. Well, she's gonna be fine. But she can't travel and she can't have any extra stress. And she's gotta be on a special diet. She's a lot further along than she thought, comin' into her fifth month, and she ain't showin' at all 'cause she's malnourished, and it's affectin' the baby's growth. So Dr. Towers talked to King Ezekiel – that's the leader of her community – and got him to say that Maggie has to stay put until the baby's born and they're sure Maggie'll be able to nurse enough to keep him or her healthy and growin' right. Maggie's safe. Negan can't touch her. And wouldn't even if he could. We're friends."
Daryl didn't have anything to say to that, but it was as if Beth could feel the derision and skepticism coming off him in waves, "Well, kinda. It's weird. He's weird. But I know how to handle him. And at any rate, he hates women bein' hurt. Whatever else he is, Negan loves women. Goes out of his way to protect them. And kids. Any time I think about things I don't like about this place, punishments for rule-breakin, or any of it, and I think maybe I should take my kids and move on, find somewhere else… I see him with his kids and, whatever else he is or what he's done, that's real. Negan loves the women he marries and he loves his children. And so I tell myself that, really, it's not so different from Rick, that first winter, or when we took the prison and Lori… how lost he was and the choices he made for all of us back then. What he would have been like if you and Daddy and all the rest hadn't been there to pull him back from all that. That's what Negan is, a good man who lost as much as anyone and kept goin' as best he could. Just that no one's been there to pull him back. And maybe me stayin', bein' his friend, is the thing that keeps him from completely fallin'. Silly thing, really. The fairy stories we tell so we sleep at night."
"If you're such good friends and you know how to handle him so well, why did he say you wouldn't go to visit her? That you didn't feel like you could," Daryl couldn't help himself, even as his conscience (if the damned thing existed) was telling him to reign it in, that Beth was fidgety enough already.
"Negan's not happy if he isn't pushin' someone's buttons. Whatever he said, he was tryin' to get under your skin. He's good at that, doesn't tell lies, just chooses how he tells the truth. I can go see Maggie any time I want; I don't need his permission. Everybody gets three half-day shifts off each week. As long as I'm not skippin' out on work and I've made sure my children are looked after, I can go. And bein' a doctor means I've got an even easier time gettin' out past the fences than most. And if I thought I was bein' held back – which I'm not – all I have to do is radio-call Dr. Towers and have her say she needs me there. Part of our trade agreement with her community is that we help each other with medical emergencies. It's why Negan knew he could send Maggie there in the first place."
"So you can see her, but you won't see her?"
"I told ya, Maggie can't be havin' any kind of stress more than she already does. She thinks I'm dead. What do you think seein' me walk through the door would do? Even good news can be bad if it's too much of a shock."
The words made sense enough. Except her body language was all wrong. "You ain't never lied to me before." There, he'd called her out.
"I didn't lie. And I ain't never gonna lie to you. Just didn't tell you everythin'."
"Why?"
"'cause I'm a terrible person."
"Bullshit," Daryl scoffed.
"You wanna know why I came North?" Beth's voice was nearly inaudible. "I tracked you to Terminus. Well, not you. Maggie."
Daryl was often speechless these days, but that was by choice. How in the hell, when he had been completely unable to pick up her trail, had she been able to find theirs? He knew he'd taught her the basics, but…
"It's not as miraculous as it sounds. After… after I got away, I got my hands on a map and found my way back to the prison. I figured, if we were all lookin' for each other, maybe some had gone back to what we knew, kinda like Sophia's car after we lost the farm."
It wasn't a bad idea. There would have been too many walkers at first, but after a couple of months with nothing for them to feed on, they would have migrated. He should have thought of it himself. Another regret.
"No one was there, but someone had been. I found Daddy where the Governor had… someone took the time to make sure he was at peace. And there weren't so many walkers that we couldn't get through. Most of our stuff was still in pretty good shape. Got cleaned up, patched up. Ate some good meals and rested for a few days to get our strength. Left a note in case anyone else came back and followed the train tracks that we'd started down before. I thought, if anyone had gotten away from what we found, maybe they kept going down the path. And that's when I started seein' the signs. Glenn, go to Terminus. Maggie. Always the same, over and over. Couldn't go more than a couple of miles without seeing the big bold letters in walker blood. Glenn. Go to Terminus. Maggie."
It wasn't the first time Daryl had heard about the signs Maggie had made in her search for family, but it was the first he'd heard the actual words she used. Or rather, the one word, the one name, she didn't. No room for Beth, it seemed, on Maggie's signs. He'd always taken issue with how eager she'd been to go to DC, how she'd not once protested, or even suggested a token day's search for her baby sister. And now this. Daryl's blood was already simmering, and Beth's next words didn't help.
"Then it did change: Glenn, go to Terminus. Maggie, Sasha, Bob. Had to leave the path after that one. Couldn't take it. It's one thing to think you don't have much of a place, don't fit in, don't really matter. It's a whole somethin' else to see it up on a wall. To see that my sister had room for everyone else, just no room for me. To her, I really was just another dead girl."
All he could do was hold her more tightly. He knew Beth was crying. And the bitterness in her voice was foreign, alien coming from her lilting country drawl. Didn't belong there at all. Wouldn't be there if Maggie had gotten her fucking priorities straight. Beth had driven him half-crazy tearing up and down the back woods of Georgia looking for their family, looking for her sister. Maggie, it seemed, couldn't be bothered to look beyond her own selfish needs.
"I know it's stupid. If she hadn't made those signs, I would never have gone to Terminus. It was burnt through when I got there, all deserted, but one of the buildings the fire didn't touch had so many weapons, warm clothes, camping gear, even these uppity high-tech waterproof nylon hammocks. Life-savers, the lot of it. We wouldn't have made it half so far if it weren't for that stash. And then there were marks on the trees in the woods next to the train yard. Don't know who made them – didn't seem like a thing you'd do, or at least, if you had, you would've done it different, made the marks something I'd know was you for sure. But they led to a church and in the church was a map with Rick's name written in a message on it. Didn't know how long ago y'all had been there, but I knew headin' up to DC was my best chance. And next to the church steps were a couple of cigarette butts. So I thought, maybe, just maybe… So I should just forgive her. Just go and hug her and cry and never tell her any of it. Daddy would rest easier, he never liked it when we weren't getting along. Thought I had gotten past it, right up until I knew where she was. And then all I could think was Glenn. Go to Terminus. Maggie. And I can't let it go. Not this time. Not this much hurt. I can't promise that if I walked in her room looked her in the face that I wouldn't let it all come flyin' out. But I at least got enough good sense in me to know that my silly little hurt feelin's ain't worth risking my niece or nephew's life if the stress were too much for Maggie to handle. So I'm stayin' away until the baby's born. And I made Negan promise not to tell anyone in Alexandria that I'm alive, either. Just in case he gets it in his head to let Glenn visit Maggie. Heaven knows he's never been able to keep a secret." She tried to laugh, to ease the tension.
Daryl didn't know what he could say that wouldn't come out all wrong. His emotions were all over the place after the day's events, and how here she was first defending Negan of all people, then holding herself back from her own family, but also being so sad to do it, so hurt by her sister's self-centered behavior… He didn't filter well on the best of days and anything that came out of his mouth right now would likely be yet another regret to add to his ever-growing list.
But now she was restless and shuffling in the silence as if she were about to pull away from him, to leave. Silence was apparently the wrong thing to say, too.
"I took a deal," he blurted. Anything just to keep her here a while longer. And it worked, she settled against his side once more. "He offered for me to join him, be one of them, and I couldn't… I should've just – maybe could've come live with you, help you with your kids with those point things or whatever, but I – "
"You made the right choice, Daryl. Negan wouldn't've trusted it, and anyway, it wouldn't have been right. It wouldn't have been you."
He breathed deeply, feeling better for her understanding of where he'd been coming from when he'd refused Negan's first offer. "Besides," she added, and he could hear the smile in her voice, "I think I've done alright for myself. Not just another dead girl, ya know." She gave him a gentle elbow in the ribs and he squeezed her around the middle tightly in return.
"Don't you be worryin' about me, Daryl. I like that I've got a job where I get to help people, and I'm good at it. I can say that at least. Other people do. Seem to like comin' to me for help and advice and what-not. I feel like I matter here, like I'm needed. And I've made some real good friends. I'm doin' okay with my strange little life. It might not be perfect, but I'm holdin' my own. Ain't the kind of girl who's got to have a man in her life to take care of her," she sassed.
"No, you ain't," he returned, choosing, for now at least, to let her comments about mattering and being needed to slide. "Beth Greene, takin' the world by storm."
And there it was again. That little ripple of muscle under his hand, like her stomach was clenching in knots she couldn't control. Something she wasn't saying, was afraid to tell him. And another thought was tickling at the edges of his brain. How she'd said earlier that Negan had only stopped asking her to marry him because of someone else, but here she was talking about going it alone. The pieces weren't fitting together right in his mind. What was he missing?
"Daryl?" it sounded like she was repeating herself. "What kind of deal did you agree to, if not joining Negan?"
He brought his thoughts back to the present. "Working. Still be a prisoner or hostage, whatever he wants to call it. But gettin' out and doin' whatever needs doin'. Not bein' in here all damn day."
"Good," Beth's head nodded firmly, shifting the filthy sweatshirt he was forced to wear. "Did Negan say what all you'd be doin'? Of if anyone was gonna be keepin' an eye on you?"
"Just that it was the shit no one else would choose to do if they could have a say. Probably Dwight keepin' watch. He's the one who's been around the most. Seems to enjoy it."
"Bitter jerk," she grumbled.
"Not a fan, I take it?"
"Supposed to respect everybody. It's a rule around here. Don't have to like 'em, just gotta be civil. And with most people, I ain't got a problem bein' friendly. But with Dwight…"
"I met him, before," Daryl revealed. "Was out on a run last summer, and I met him and his wife and her sister."
"That must have been right before Tina died," she whispered.
"Helped put her down after she got bit."
"She was really sweet. She came in to the infirmary a lot."
"Diabetes, I know."
"Yeah. I can do a lot with plants to make medicines, herbal teas, but insulin just isn't somethin' I can replace with anythin' growing in my greenhouse. We've got a trade with one community that makes it from cows and pigs like they used to a long time ago, but Tina had a bad reaction to it. She needed the synthetic kind, or the real thing from people. And there's just no more of it being made any more. Only one place we know of that still has it, same group that makes the animal kind, but they're so far away and with what they charge in exchange… Dr. Carson and I both tried to help manage Tina's illness best we could. But she had trouble workin' full days and was getting' behind on points. Negan offered to marry her and take care of her – his wives only work for points if they want extra things. Sherry got it in her head that Negan was blackmailin' her sister, but I meant what I said about him earlier. I'm close with some of his wives and, without sayin' things they've told me in secret, a lot of what braggin' and hintin' at, you know, that kind of stuff, is just talk. Negan really does love women. And loves takin' care of people. Feeds his ego. Got a real hero complex that one, likes it when people need him. But makin' a woman do somethin' she doesn't want doesn't do anything for him, doesn't satisfy his own idea of himself as the ultimate Savior. But no one was gonna stop 'em from leavin' if that's what they wanted. Except Dwight stole the insulin. Not just the kind Tina actually needed. He stole all of it. I got other patients who need it or they'll die. So Negan sent people to track them down."
"Ran into them, too."
"They never mentioned you when they came back. Wish they had. Who knows what might've happened? Anyway, Dwight and Sherry came back. But Tina was gone, Cam lost his arm, and three people went into comas waitin' on insulin – one never woke up. Punishment for stealing's bad enough. Doin' somethin' that costs somone's life? Sherry didn't know he'd taken it all, was just focused on Tina. And then, when they were questioning Dwight, he let slip that the real reason he'd done it all was because he thought Negan was using Tina to get to Sherry. Said some other things, too. Things that made Sherry, and a few others, but mainly Sherry, think that maybe, Dwight knew the other insulin wouldn't be good for Tina, that maybe he was tired of sharing his points to help with her medicine and was lookin' to take matters into his own hands… He denied it and no one can prove one way or another. Didn't matter to Sherry. She was done. Committee hadn't even finished interviewin' them to make any kind of judgement and Sherry up and leaves Dwight right there in the middle of it. Goes to Negan and says she wants to marry him. Some folks say she did it so Negan wouldn't kill Dwight. Others say it was just to spite Dwight for bein' jealous and not trustin' her and for maybe tryin' to get rid of Tina. She's never said one way or the other to me or anyone else that I know of. But you've seen Dwight's face, so you know how that went. And he's been rotten and hateful ever since. 'specially to me and Dr. Carson and anyone else workin' in the hospital wing. Like we're somehow to blame for him stealin' the medicine. All we did was report the insulin bein' gone. Answer the committee's questions about the patients who needed it and how it hurt them not to have it. How did we even get… oh, yeah, so, Dwight guardin' you. He's probably gonna keep on being a jerk to you 'cause of me, and I'm sorry about that. Just try to keep your head down. I'll see what I can do on my end."
"Don't be goin' to any kind of trouble. He ain't got nothin' I can't deal with. And you got those little ones to be thinkin' about."
Beth sighed, "I should be gettin' back to them. Neighbors have been watchin' 'em while I'm down here and I know they said I should take as long as I like, but I can't be takin' advantage. The twins can be holy terrors when they get wound up."
"You ain't told me about them, your kids." Daryl knew it wasn't fair; he couldn't be demanding more of her than she had to give, but he wasn't ready to let go just yet. Wasn't ready to face being locked in this cell with nothing but his thoughts for even the few hours left before a guard came to drag him out for his first official day as Negan's obedient work-horse.
"They're amazin'," she returned easily. And then she was less easy, the wrong kind of still. Not relaxed, but on edge. "And you've got to know," she whispered more to herself than to him. God damned stomach muscles clenching up again under Daryl's touch.
"Beth – " he began.
But she was plowing ahead, and only the fact that he could feel her easing more comfortably back against him as she talked about each child held him from interrupting to ask what in the hell had her so spooked.
"Tim's my oldest, just turned ten at the start of the year. Which, of course, makes me crazy, because turning ten is when the kids switch from primary school to the upper levels. They're not in classes by age anymore, they're all on teams, as they call it. Half the day is spent in regular school, but the other half is learnin' to fight, defend themselves. Goin' outside the fences. And they can start workin' towards earnin' an apprenticeship. And Tim's tryin' to grow up so fast. He wants to help, always has. Real protective of his sisters and brother, and of me. He reminds me a lot of you like that, always lookin' out for others first. And then there's Sunni, she's seven. She's… quiet. Too quiet. She's never spoken a word to me or anyone else. When we got here and I got into medical, I tried to find what was wrong, see if there was somethin' we could do. She hears just fine. Just doesn't speak. But she's sharp, she's always watchin', always figurin' things out. And she and Tim had a kind of signing they did before I came along, and we've been learning American Sign Language as a family. Her teachers have been real good about doing that with her class, too, so she can make friends more easily. And the twins, comin' up on 19 months, growin' so fast. Just 'cause they're twins don't mean they're the same. Different as can be, those two."
She took a breath, a little shaky at the memories, "When they were born, I was feelin' real alone. Scared. Didn't know if I'd ever find any of y'all again. But those two in my arms the first time, I just knew we were gonna be okay. It felt like Mama and Daddy were standin' right there with me. The worry came back quick enough, but I wanted to have that peace, that family feelin' in their names. So Lillian, after my Mama's middle name, and Margaret for Maggie. And William for Shawn's middle name, and Hershel for Daddy. Lily and Liam. And Liam's every bit as peaceful and calm as you'd ever want a baby to be. But Lily… that girl, I love her, I'd bleed for her in a heartbeat. But Lordy does she try my patience in every way possible. She is SO stubborn. Everything has to be her way, has to be right now. Her favorite thing to say is 'No, Mama, I do it'."
Beth laughed, and Daryl with her, picturing a stubborn little blonde giving his stubborn little blonde all kinds of cute toddler-like hell. "Best way I can put it is thinkin' about them learnin' to walk. Lily wanted to run the second she figured out how to get on her feet. Face-planted so many times I honestly worried she was gonna give herself a concussion. Bloodied her nose more than once. Would be cryin' from hurtin' and still be tryin' to pull out of my arms so she could do it again. And the whole time, Liam would be sitting just as calm as you please on his blanket, watchin' Lily tangle herself on her own two feet and tumblin' down again and again. Then, one day, he just grabs for the chair and pulls himself up. Wobbles a bit, gets steady, and takes a determined little step at a time until he gets to where he can't hold on to anything, and just keeps goin'. Made it almost halfway across the room before sitting back down on his rear-end. It's like that for everything new - he just needs to watch her work out all the kinks and then he can do it for himself with one or two tries."
Daryl laughed outright, "You can't be all that surprised. You Greene's are as strong-willed as they come."
"Not Greene."
"Huh?"
"Not Greene," she repeated, and every muscle Daryl could feel in her was stiff with nerves. "That's what I… it's what I gotta tell ya. 'Cause you've got to know. And I'm so sorry, Daryl. I had no idea it would be like this… it's not what I meant at all…"
She was breathing so hard and heavy he feared she'd start to hyperventilate. "Girl, whatever it is, just tell me. Ya ain't got nothin' to be sorry for."
"Yeah, I do."
"No," Daryl was adamant. "If I ain't got nothin' to be sorry for, then neither do you." He called back her earlier absolution. He wished she weren't facing away from him so he could stare her down until she realized he was the one in the right.
"This ain't the same, Daryl, not even close."
"You gonna have to explain it to me, then, 'cause I ain't seein' it."
"When I came here… no…" She took a breath and tried again, "Beth Greene was everything you said she was. Silly little girl singin' songs around the campfire, cuttin' her wrist lookin' for attention – "
"Don't. I didn't mean that shit and you know it. I was pissed and hurtin' and drunk."
"Don't mean it wasn't true."
"Dammit, Beth, you ain't none of that."
"I am. I'm a lot more than that. But it's in there, too, a part of me. But after everything… I couldn't let that part out, couldn't let it be part of who I was anymore. I had to put it away, that innocent little girl who thought her Daddy would grow old with grandkids on his knees, had to put her away so I could get through. So I could be strong enough to make it and keep makin' it for Sunni, and Tim, for the babies I didn't even know I had inside me. And for me."
"And we did it. We made it. All the way here. Didn't come in right away. We watched from the trees for more than a week. I knew by then I was expectin' and I knew we needed to find a place. Winter was settin' in hard, and I couldn't be sure I could keep all of us fed on our own and out in the open. But it had to be a good place. After what we'd come from, no way I was puttin' us through anythin' like that again. But I liked what I saw. The walker fence was a little much, but all in all… I thought, this can be good. It'll be a fresh start. I'll have the baby here and then, if it's not workin', we'll move on. Got the upper hand right from the start. Scared the mess out of 'em. First light creepin' across the yard and we're inside the fence without anyone seein' us. To this day, Negan still doesn't know how we did it. It impressed him, all of them. And it let 'em know, I wasn't someone they wanted to mess with. I wasn't the kind of girl who needed savin'."
She whispered now, "And it just slipped out. I didn't plan it. Almost took it back right then, but I thought, why? What harm could it do? It didn't mean anything to them, but it meant the world to me. Wouldn't have lasted not one single day without…"
"Beth, what are you – "
"Dixon. My name, the name I gave them when I first got here, is Beth Dixon. That's why Negan picked you, singled you out. Why he's so focused on you. He thinks we're married."
All reviews are greatly appreciated!