A/N: It's been a while, I know. Rather than offer excuses (like it's summer, and work sucks, and the kids are home, and life in general is a busy bitch), let's get right to it! Super long chapter ahead. Like seriously, pack a lunch or something.
Thanks so much for all your continued, wonderful thoughts.
Most characters belong to S. Meyer. The rest are mine. So are all mistakes.
Broken – Chapter 12
The vendor handed me two piraguas, one cherry and one pineapple, and I gave him a twenty.
"Thanks. And sorry, I don't have anything smaller."
An older gentleman, he waved a liver-spotted, soft hand in a dismissive gesture and provided a reply in a heavy, Spanish accent.
"'No problem. Ta bien, y buen provecho. Son los ultimos del año. I say, 'Enjoy the last piraguas of the year.'"
Pulling a wad of money out of his right pocket, he counted out my change before pausing and gazing up at the crisp, late October sky.
"I be here no more this year. Nobody wants piragua when it's cold. Los días buenos desaparecen, y llegan los dias fríos. Pero, con un poco de suerte y paciencia, los dias buenos regresan. Aunque a veces toman tiempo, tu sabes." Returning his gaze to me, the old man shrugged tired shoulders. "I say, 'Summer goes bye-bye, and cold arrives, but with a little luck and patience-"
"With luck and patience," I smiled, "the good days return, even if they take a while."
"Asi es la vida." The old man nodded, and his grin grew two sizes when I shook my head as he held out my change.
"Keep it. And thanks again." I turned around.
"Gracias, chico!" he shouted after me. "Y que tú y esa linda novia que te espera allí se las pasen bien caliente este invierno!" He laughed raucously.
Meanwhile, Bella waited for me on a concrete bench a few feet away, facing the riverfront. We'd run across the Brooklyn Bridge that morning and were now in the area called DUMBO, with a view of the silver, city skyline as the sun settled over the Freedom Tower.
"What did he just shout out?" Bella asked when I took a seat beside her and handed over her cone.
"Something about the different flavors he carries," I lied.
"A strange thing to shout out when you've already bought the icies and you're walking away."
I shrugged.
"Your cheeks are red," she noted.
"From the run," I lied again.
The dubious frown she gave me was quickly forgotten and replaced by a moan when her tongue flattened against the yellow, pineapple-flavored syrup mixed in with ice on top of her cone.
"Jesus, Edward." Another long lick. "This has to be the most delicious post-run treat in the world."
"It's good, huh?" I grinned while sucking up a mouthful of my own bright red, cherry ice.
"Totally, and I'd bet this is better than your runner's high." When she chuckled impishly, I rolled my eyes.
"Just enjoy your piragua, smart ass," I said in mock reproach, which only made Bella snicker. "I was also informed this is his last batch of piraguas for the year, so less teasing and more eating."
She snorted. "Fine. But damn," Bella sighed, "Edward, why are you just introducing this concoction to me now?"
"Sorry," I chuckled, "but there is next summer, you know."
"Is there?" She eyed my cone. "Well, can I taste yours, since I won't get to order my own cherry one any time in the near future?"
"Sure."
I held out the ice cone and waited for Bella to suck up a few grains of cherry-flavored ice. Instead, she stuck out her tongue and flattened it along the cone's plastic rim. Then, with her eyes on mine, Bella trailed her flattened tongue upward from the rim to the circular top of the ice cone, then back down along the other side, all while sucking huge mounds of the red ice into her mouth.
"Now you have to give me your icy." She chuckled mischievously, wiping red rivulets streaming down her chin with the back of her hand. "It's got my germs all over it, and I know how much you hate germs."
At that moment, my thoughts had little to do with Bella sucking on ice, but I maintained a neutral expression as I handed her a napkin.
"So, my ice cone's got your germs all over it now, huh?"
"Yep," she grinned, wiping her mouth with the napkin, "all over it."
I quirked a brow…and sucked on what was left of my cherry-flavored ice.
Bella burst into laughter. "If your fellow epidemiologists could see you now, they'd revoke your Jack Ryan slash James Bond CDC spy license."
"Is that what I carry?" I chuckled. "Some sort of secret CDC spy license?"
"Yeah. That's the real reason for next week's conference, isn't it, the one you're attending in Atlanta? It's a secret CDC spy conference. That's why you're so hush-hush about the whole thing."
I laughed hard through her entire scenario. "Bella, I'll say it again. You've got an amazing imagination. However, the conference is not a secret CDC spy conference. It's just…a conference," I shrugged.
One where I would be receiving an award for my "unmatched and almost uncanny ability to extrapolate information with more than typical accuracy, and oftentimes, with life-saving results," as my superior, who'd recommended me for the award, had phrased it. But I didn't know how to mention it to Bella without sounding like a pompous asshole.
"What was the title you told me you hold at the CDC? Epidemiological Investigator? That sounds like a spy to me."
I chuckled. "It's just a mouthful, and all it means is that I get to pour over a bunch of mismatched puzzle pieces and figure out how they fit. And the thing is, Bella, I make mistakes. Those other guys you mentioned – Jack Ryan, James Bond – they don't."
"I'm sure you don't make too many mistakes." She frowned, and a long, deep line abruptly marred her smooth forehead. "No joking around, mistakes would put you in danger in your line of work."
"Maybe I don't make too many mistakes in my line of work…but I do make mistakes. Bella…"
"Don't we all?" Bella said after a long pause. She searched my eyes, but by that point, I'd buried the secret too well for it to turn up by casual observation. And no, I wasn't proud of it. I was ashamed as fuck.
"You're red again," she grinned instead, "and don't tell me it's because of the run we finished ten minutes ago."
But apparently, I wasn't too ashamed to allow Bella to unwittingly steer the conversation away from the truth.
"And you're super greedy and don't tell me it's because you have to wait until next summer for your own cherry piragua. You're just greedy. I've noticed."
"Have you?"
"Yeah. I notice things, remember? You're red as well. And your tongue's red. It's red and yellow now as a matter of fact, which serves you right for swallowing half of my cone in one go."
"Swallowing half your cone?" she mimicked slowly. "You wish, Edward. I know where your mind went just now."
I snorted so hard ice shot up my nostrils. "You're so…bad," I chuckled while pinching the bridge of my nose with two fingers and sniffing up the excess moisture.
"Watch you don't skew those nostrils any further. Right now, their slight skew gives your face rugged character, but another millimeter or so would've changed the story."
Fingers still on my nostrils, I glanced up at her with a raised eyebrow. What would she say if she knew; if she could remember? The last thing I wanted was her pity.
Meanwhile, Bella laughed. "Edward, just go get another icy if innocent little me ate too much of yours. You paid the vendor for about twenty of them even though you only got two."
I shrugged. "I'm good. But it sounds like you might want another one. Would you like me to get you another one?"
She shook her head and chuckled. "I just enjoy teasing you. But tell me why you gave the vendor such a big tip for two icies?"
"He offered me philosophy along with the piraguas." I stressed the proper name for the ice cones.
"Peer-ahh-goo-ahhs."
"If my half-Cuban buddy ever heard you pronounce it that way, he'd throw you into the East River."
Bella shoved my arm and sucked up the rest of her ice cone. "Philosophy like what?"
"Like, 'The good days disappear, and the cold days arrive, but with a little luck and patience, the good days return, even if they take a while in doing so.'"
Bella offered me a languid, thoughtful nod. "Sounds like something Doctor Rose would say."
"You have Doctor Rose," I smiled, "I've got piragua vendors across the bridge in Brooklyn. Now, let's get-"
When Bella rested a hand on my forearm, the air around us both stilled and thickened with her scent – lavender soap and the sweaty scent of a clean woman. Her fingers branded the spot where her hand covered me.
"Hey, you don't just have ice cone vendors, you know that, right? I mean, I know I'm not all there, mental health-wise-"
"Bella, stop. Don't say-"
"But if you ever need someone to talk to, really talk to…I mean, sometimes, it seems like you've got a lot of stuff on your mind, Edward."
I swallowed hard. After a few moments, Bella smiled softly.
"You're one of the good guys, Edward."
My heart twisted painfully in my chest. What had I done? Jesus, what had I done? Sweeping my gaze away from her because I simply couldn't look at her at that moment, I pretended to study the sparkling river.
"I'm not sure what you're basing that determination on."
"I can extrapolate too," she said with a quiet chuckle. "Doesn't sound like you get along very well with most of your family, but you do keep in touch. When your mom texts you, you reply right away. When your dad texts you, you make a face but reply after a few anyway. You've got a cousin who must send you dirty memes or something because his texts always make you laugh. Texts from your coworker make you roll your eyes and laugh, so yes, you've got a good relationship with him as well. You keep the general population both here and abroad healthy at the risk of your own health. You're a generous tipper," she said, and I could hear the teasing in her tone again. "And more than all those…you picked a stranger up off the streets and taught her how to be a great city runner."
My head shot up. "That one's wrong."
"Fine. A good, not a great city runner. A decent-"
"No. I mean the part about us being strangers. We weren't strangers, Bella. Not at all."
"No. We knew one another from the coffee shop. You're right."
It was moments like these, when two paths opened up before me – one full of sunshine and of her and the other…a complete, unknown abyss – when I couldn't think straight; when I was physically unable to open my mouth to say what I wanted to say, what I needed to say.
After a few moments, Bella's hand fell away, which left the spot where it had rested on my forearm as cold as the ice in our cones.
"You wanted to know why I tipped the vendor so generously. It was because he offered me some hopeful philosophy," I said.
Bella gazed up at the sky, much as the piragua vendor had done so.
"He's right. The weather is changing," she mused. Again, her dark, spellbinding eyes met mine. "I prefer warmth and sunshine. I've told you before it's one of the reasons why I was so desperate to leave Forks. Perhaps it was even one of the reasons why I never noticed what a shitty marriage I was in. As usual, I was too unobservant, too distracted by what I saw through the windows."
"Don't," I hissed. "Don't blame yourself for what others kept from you, Bella. Besides, it sounds like your husband was a manipulative asshole."
Now Bella snorted.
"May I ask you something?" I said. "Why New York and not someplace like California, if you wanted sunshine when you left Forks?"
"I really don't know. I just knew I wanted to be in New York. And my ex-husband agreed easily enough." She shrugged. "An unbending will was never his problem – more like an inability to make a decision and stick with it. Anyway," she shook her head as if shaking off dark thoughts, and just like a coward, I let her change the subject yet again. "I think it'll be a good winter. For one, no matter what, it doesn't rain as much here as it rains in Forks. For another, Doctor Rose has been wonderful with arming me with coping mechanisms for those drearier days. And last but not least, there's…well…"
"There's…?" I prompted.
When she'd sucked up half of my ice cone and gotten it all over her mouth, she'd missed a spot in her clean-up. It was a distracting red dot now, right at the juncture of her top lip and bottom lip.
"There's a bit of icy…" With my thumb, I gently wiped off the scarlet stain. But then my finger lingered, ghosting back and forth. Our gazes held.
"Did you get it?" she murmured.
"Yeah," I whispered, swallowing hard. "Yeah, Bella."
"Okay, thanks. And by the way," she breathed, "it's not icy, it's peer-ahh-goo-ahh."
Her mouth twitched, and when she lost the battle and burst out laughing, I pulled my hand away.
"You're a pain in the ass. You know that, right?"
"Edward, the point is," she said softly once she stopped laughing, "I…I think the vendor is right. With a little luck and patience, the good days…maybe even better days, do return."
And it was these moments – not those moments when she'd tease me with her suggestive tone or her delicious tongue or her provocative comments, no – while I enjoyed the hell out of those moments, they were exactly that: teasing.
But these moments, when Bella opened herself up to me, when she allowed me peeks into her amazing mind and warm heart, when she offered me hints that maybe, just maybe this strange dance we were performing around one another meant more to her too, that perhaps she was attracted to me as well, that perhaps…if I ever worked up the nerve to cage her face between my hands and kiss her breathless, the way I dreamed every night, she'd be receptive…
"Maybe even better days," I echoed.
It was these moments which fucking tortured me.
Because I couldn't reach out and cradle her face, pull her close, and kiss her the way I'd been dying to kiss her for months. Not with what lay between us…without her knowledge that it was even there.
Holding me locked in her gaze and unaware of my self-inflicted torment, Bella smiled.
"Come on. Peer-ahh-goo-ahh break is over. We've got a bridge to cross back into the city, and you've got a job to get to while I run the Clearwater's errands."
She stood and headed toward the Brooklyn Bridge, where Manhattan's skyline waited on the other side. I watched her go and released the breath I'd been holding. Bella was beautiful and smart and funny and complicated, and so many damn things combined in one person. Most of all, she was real.
And it was time. Emmett was completely right: what I was doing was fucking lying, plain and simple. Her outer beauty was unmistakable; easily apparent. It was there for all the world to see. Even as she walked away from me and toward the bridge in her yoga tights, hoodie, and ponytail, more than one set of eyes followed her. But her inner beauty was only shared with a select few.
Little by little, I was being granted the rare pleasure of her inner beauty, all while I held back my inner demons. One way or another, the last of the warm days would soon be behind us. I had to tell Bella the truth of our connection and see if somehow, those better days were before us.
When Bella turned and looked over her shoulder, catching me staring at her, she shot me a beautiful smile.
"Well, Stranger? Are you coming or what?"
"Of course." With a deep breath, I stood up.
ooooo
'Bella, would you mind if we skipped our run this morning and headed straight for the coffee shop for a talk? You said yesterday that I seem to have something on my mind, and I do. It revolves around you and something I've been keeping from you.'
'Something you've been keeping from me? What have you been keeping from me, Edward?'
'Can we sit and talk about it? Please?'
'Well, okay.'
Inside the coffee shop and at our table:
'Here's the thing, Bella. You and I met a lot earlier than you recall.'
'Earlier than I recall? How early?'
'That day, when you caught your husband…Jasper cheating, it was with my sister, Alice. I was there, in the lobby. I'm the guy who held you. Do you remember that?'
'You were there? And Alice is your sister?!'
'Let me explain. I was there that day to check up on her because I had a feeling she was up to something rotten. She and I have never gotten along well, and since that day, we're not on speaking terms. What she did to you is similar to what her mother did with my father when I was a kid, and though I know that part isn't my sister's fault, I couldn't forgive the hurt she caused you because even though your situation and mine are somewhat different, I do understand, Bella.'
'I don't even know…Edward, why didn't you tell me all this sooner?'
'At first, I thought you recognized me. And afterward, I was afraid to tell you because I didn't want to lose the friendship, the relationship that appeared to be developing between us.'
'I do…have feelings for you, Edward. But you lied to me. How am I supposed to forgive that?'
'I know. I know I lied, and I'm so sorry. Please, let me make it up to you. I'll do anything.'
That was where the scripted scenario in my head ended the next morning, while I waited for Bella in front of the coffee shop. I'd been prepping all night, practicing the words I'd say and extrapolating her replies based on the Bella I'd gotten to know over the past couple of months. But, though I could make up her words to a point, I had absolutely no clue how Bella would respond to my plea for a second chance, a chance to make it up to her.
When Bella rounded the corner, I drew in a series of cleansing breaths. As she approached, my chest heaved as if we were already mid-run. She reached me and stopped.
"Hey, Bella." I cleared my throat. "I was wondering if we could-"
"Let's start by the river this morning, okay? I know it's cold over there without the sun, but…"
And she was off and running before I could say another word.
I caught up, and running beside her, I noted what I'd missed in my anxiousness in front of the coffee shop. Bella had deep and dark circles ringing her eyes. Her mouth was set in a straight, tight line. Her shoulders were stiff and her gait rigid.
"Bella, you didn't even stretch. That's not good for your muscles."
"I'll stretch them by the river."
"That's not how it works. You stretch pre and post-run, not mid-run," I grinned.
"Whatever, Edward."
She sped past me, and while I could've easily caught up again, I allowed her space, keeping a few feet between us. Yeah, like I'd told her once, I knew the difference between her 'morning' mood and that dark place that sometimes tried to claim her. That morning, Bella was in a dark place. So much for that fucking talk.
When we reached the riverfront, she stopped to stretch, but her eyes remained downcast, avoiding not only me but everything and everyone. That day, it was warmer than usual for the last remnants of October in the northeast, and it looked as if it would turn into a beautiful day. Yet, Bella only appeared to be seeing nebulous clouds before her. I gave her a few more minutes, then I purposely took up a spot stretching my legs right in front of her, where she had to go out of her way to avoid looking at me. For a few minutes, she gave it a valiant attempt, but eventually, her eyes met mine; eyes which were darkened by more than their natural color.
"Are you going to tell me what's wrong?"
"What makes you think something's wrong?" she shot back. Then, she straightened and began running again.
This time, we ran side by side in uncomfortable silence. After a while, I shot in front of her, running at my normal pace, not at the slower one I'd developed to stay in step with Bella. At first, I sprinted a few yards ahead, then a quarter block, then half a block. My heart raced, blood pumping because damn, it felt good to stretch my legs the way I was used to. When the adrenaline began rushing through my body, I turned around and jogged back toward Bella, grinning.
She looked startled, her cheeks flushed and eyes wide. Tendrils of hair had come loose from her ponytail, which seemed shorter today than usual. When I reached her, I matched her pace for a handful of seconds before surging ahead again while still running backward. Back and forth, back and forth, I matched her pace and surged ahead, all the while running backward.
Bella stopped running and burst out laughing.
"God, you're such a clown," she said, resting her palms on her knee joints.
Drawing in a breath of relief, I crouched down and waited for her to lift her beautiful face and meet my eyes.
"Bella, the shit I see sometimes…" I snorted and shook my head, "I've got to keep my spirits up. Body and mind all interconnected, remember?" I said, tapping a finger to my temple.
Her reply erupted in a heartbreakingly strangled whisper. "Then why the hell do you hang out with me, Edward?"
Throwing all caution to the wind, I slid a hand around the nape of her neck and pulled her closer, close enough so that her heavy breaths washed over me.
"You want to know something?" I'm in love with you. "You are my Runner's High lately." Swallowing thickly, I grinned. "And your neck is sweaty."
She chuckled. "You're an asshole."
I laughed in reply. "Come on, let's take a break."
With my hand on the small of her back, I led us to the nearest bench behind the joggers' path. By then, darkness had given way to a morning mist over the river, blanketing Lady Liberty and Ellis Island. I waited for her to begin when she was ready.
"Falls are so short here in New York, aren't they?"
"Summer and fall are definitely the shortest seasons."
"I've told you mine, but what's your favorite season, Edward?"
"I don't really have a favorite, which is why I stay in New York. I like having four seasons."
"As I said, I grew up with a lot of rain. I like sunshine, no matter the season."
"I like the sunshine too."
"My ex-husband stopped by my apartment building last night."
For a second, while scarlet flames danced before my eyes, I thought the river was on fire.
"Did he now?" I finally managed to ask through gritted teeth.
"Yeah. It's not the first time."
Fire licked up my veins. For a moment, I thought I might combust.
"I don't know how much I can ask here, Bella," I said when I could finally regulate my voice.
"He has…a baby," she whispered.
The pain in that one word was almost a physical manifestation. At the same time, I felt as if I was being torn in two. I wanted to empathize with Bella on every level, but the baby of which she spoke with so much pain was my nephew, JJ, who was probably the sweetest being I knew.
Jesus, what had I done?
"With his girlfriend," Bella continued. "He's been asking me to look for a Seahawks jersey he can't seem to find."
"Why is he asking you for it?" I spat the question with more vehemence than I'd meant to, but Bella appeared too upset to notice.
"I used to wear it to sleep. He says he wants the jersey for his son, for when he's older. I guess as a hand-me-down? An heirloom?" She shrugged, gazing out at the river.
"An heirloom," I nodded, recalling the bastard who'd been hanging out at a bar just a few weeks earlier, while his girlfriend and baby waited for him at home. That fucker didn't strike me as the sentimental, heirloom-passing-down type. Not at fucking all. Perhaps if it had some value to it. Otherwise, his reason was looking much more nefarious by the second.
"Tell me something," I said, "was this jersey signed by the entire Seahawks organization on the occasion of their last Super Bowl win?"
Bella snorted. "No. It's just a basic jersey."
For yet another long moment, I couldn't speak at all. It was clear as day, at least to someone who knew how manipulative assholes worked, what was really going on here.
"Then it seems like a strange thing for a man to bequeath his son," I said, unable to keep the sardonic anger out of my voice, "his ex-wife's pajamas."
"I don't know that I'd call it my pajamas," she said. "It was his jersey; though my dad said something similar recently."
At that point, I forced myself to look at her because I needed to know; I needed an accurate gauge of just how much of my involvement Bella wanted in this. She met my gaze through clouded eyes which only infuriated me all the more. But not with her. Never with her.
"Do you want my opinion, Bella?"
In my periphery, I saw her chest heaving as if we'd actually completed our run.
"If I didn't want your opinion, I wouldn't have brought it up."
"All right. To me, it sounds like Jasper simply wants the shirt you slept in for himself, not for his kid." Regardless of how petite Bella was, JJ would drown in that jersey.
Frowning, Bella shook her head. "I don't understand."
"It's pretty self-explanatory," I said, holding her gaze.
A few seconds later, she shook her head again. "Edward, it doesn't make sense. My ex-husband and I didn't have what you'd call a friendly or even a civil divorce. In fact, it was pretty much as bad as it could get. I caught him cheating."
At that moment, I didn't know who I hated more, fucking Jasper for hurting her or myself for accepting all this information under such clandestine methods.
"And when I say I caught him cheating," Bella said, "I mean I literally caught him." She swept her eyes away from me and toward the river. "And despite actually catching him in the act, I gave him a choice, and he chose her."
"Bella…"
"She was pregnant, and she threw it in my face because…because she and I were friends, and she knew things about me; she knew I was having a hard time getting pregnant."
"Fuck. Bella…" I breathed.
"Things got heated, and suffice it to say, she and I are no longer friends."
She stopped, and for a while, Bella and I sat in silence, while I made plans, decisions…and debated how much more I was willing to take from her without her knowledge. But…I had to know, once and for all, for her sake as well as for mine.
Angling myself sideways, I slid my hand under hers, where it rested on the concrete bench, and flipping it over, I weaved my fingers through hers. All the while, her gaze remained on the river, so with my other hand, I guided her dark, troubled eyes to mine.
"Bella, do you still have feelings for him?"
I held my breath. If she said no, we'd proceed from there. But if she said yes…I had to tell her everything I knew about him. I wouldn't allow him to hurt her again.
"It's not that," she said as a silent tear rolled down her cheek. "I made such a fool of myself when it came to both of them. And every time I'm faced with the slightest reminder of them, it's like I take a step backward, lose a bit of progress or whatever you want to call it. Reminders of them fuck with my mood, as you saw for yourself this morning. But I don't want them to have that power over me anymore."
'…every time I'm faced with the slightest reminder of them, it's like I take a step backward…reminders of them fuck with my mood…'
I'd always be a reminder of them, no matter what. But God…God, how to make myself walk away when she owned me? How?
Hanging my head, I shook it from side to side.
"God…God."
"So, my question is, Edward, was I wrong to get angry because there was a baby involved? Should I have set my anger aside? Should I set it aside now? Is that what's keeping me from moving forward? He says it's time I moved past it, that I should accept it was all partly my fault, that I-"
I cradled her face gently yet firmly, making sure she was listening.
"Listen to me, Bella. Jasper is…full of shit," I spat, seething at all the bullshit self-doubt he'd filled her with, in one goddamn night. "Don't listen to a fucking word he says. You had a right to your anger."
"Yes, but Edward, it got pretty…ugly. You weren't there; you don't know."
I squeezed my eyes shut and instinctively brushed my lips to her forehead.
"You did nothing wrong," I insisted, "nothing at all. You didn't. I think…I think your anger was…is fucking justified, so next time you see Jasper, tell him to fuck off. Tell him you'll call the cops if he keeps harassing you. You don't have to play nice with him or with anyone, and you shouldn't have had to take responsibility for shit."
Bella gazed at me through wide, startled eyes. "Uhm, all right, then."
"Okay," I repeated with a humorless chuckle.
"Fine."
"All right."
Now, Bella chuckled, and when she pulled away, I was forced to release her sweet face.
"Thank you, Edward," she said fervently. "I don't usually discuss these things with anyone other than my therapist, but with you…"
When Bella's warm hand cupped my face, the juxtaposition of her soft palm and my stubbled jaw made both our breaths hitch. For a few, wondrous seconds, as she stroked my jawline with her thumb, the world around us was just as it should be. There was no Jasper, no Alice, not even a JJ.
"Edward, how is it that you get me so well?" Slowly, so slowly her movement would've been imperceptible to anyone not so perfectly attuned to her, Bella inched closer…
Because I fell in love with you at your lowest point, so how could I not love you at any other point in time? How could I not get you in every other instance?
Instead, I stood abruptly, forcing Bella's hand to remain stuck in mid-air. Emmett's words rang out: 'Was she too happy for the truth? Too sad?'
Our eyes met, and the mortified embarrassment in hers ripped me to shreds.
"Come on, let's finish our run," she said, and as suddenly as I'd stood, she took off without waiting for a reply, running faster than I'd ever seen her run.
"Fuck," I spat, raking a hand through my damp hair. "Fuck, fuck, fuck." I called out louder, "Bella!"
She neither turned nor slowed her pace.
"Fuck." I took off after her. "Bella, please, let me explain," I said from just a few feet behind.
"There's nothing to explain," she said.
"There is, Bella. Please stop and listen to me. You don't understand."
For a couple of blocks, as we crisscrossed bikers and pedestrians and headed toward the busier, city streets, Bella ran silently.
"I read the signs wrong. It's fine," she said in a shaky voice that belied her words. "It's been a while, and I'm out of practice. Though to be fair, with your constant praise and your latte-art and your 'let's be running buddies' and-"
Reaching for her elbow, I tugged her enough to make her stop. When she did, she rounded on me, still jogging in place to make a point.
"You didn't read the signs wrong, Bella. You didn't."
"I don't blame you, Edward, not really. I'm a handful; I know." She began jogging backward and away from me.
"It's not you, Bella, it's me. Bella, I haven't been-" A flash of yellow cut through my vision concurrently with a loud blare of a car horn. Instinctively, I reached for Bella and pulled her against me.
"BELLA!"
Half a second later, the cab whished by the spot where she'd been jogging in place.
"Watch where the fuck you're running lady! Jesus Christ! Fucking city joggers!" the cab driver yelled out through the window as he sped by.
"Watch where the fuck you're driving, asshole!" I yelled back. "Pedestrians have the motherfucking right of way!"
"Ow! Fuck! And yuck!" Bella grimaced as she pushed herself off of my damp chest.
We stood at the curb, with my chest heaving and nostrils flaring. While she muttered complaints about my sweaty chest, all I could picture was Bella, my Bella, lying in a pool of blood in the middle of the intersection – and I'd never told her the truth…or kissed her.
Caging her face, I pulled her in and crushed my mouth to hers.
There are…no words to describe kissing that one person, the one you've been secretly in love with for a long while, the one you know that no matter what, you'll always love. It's warmth and lust and love and fear and joy all rolled into one. It's real. It's as real as it gets.
Picking her up and moving her from the busy intersection, I drew in her bottom lip, then her top one, while she hungrily responded. We alternated sloppily at first, laughing at our mutual eagerness, and then after a few seconds…expertly learning one another's rhythm. When we'd put on enough of a show even for New York City, I kissed her sweet nose, her dark, magnetizing eyes, and then one final brush to her lips. She looked dazed when I pulled away, her naturally pouty lips all the more swollen.
I traced them with my index finger. "I told you that you didn't read the signs wrong."
"I suppose I didn't," she chuckled.
I skimmed the back of my fingers across her jawline.
"I'd like to take you out, Bella, if that's okay. There are things I'd like to discuss with you, but not while we're out for a jog or hanging out in a coffee shop." Not now; the discussion would be even more involved now.
Bella searched my eyes and swallowed. "I know I asked you before, but are you married?"
"No," I said softly, "but there is something I should've probably told you from the very beginning."
"Okay."
"Is tomorrow night okay?"
"Yeah." She offered me a dreamy smile through half-lidded eyes. "Actually, no!" Her eyes widened. "No. I've made plans with a new friend. How about Saturday?"
"I can't make Saturday this week. I've got to…meet with my parents about something. And Sunday I'm leaving for Atlanta. I told you about the weeklong conference at CDC headquarters."
"Yeah," she sighed. "Yeah, you did."
Fuck, I didn't want to wait now; not now. But that damned conference. Talk about coming at a bad time.
"I'll be back next Friday. Can I take you out then?"
"Sure. I'll look forward to it."
"Me too," I said, swallowing as I thought of all I'd be confessing.
"Are you sure you want to? Because you look tortured by the thought."
"Yes," I said, pressing a quick, hard kiss to her lips, "I'm sure. I just hope after we talk…you'll still want to see me."
"Sounds pretty cryptic. Are you contagious?" she teased.
"No, Bella. No, I'm not. Not at all."
Bella's brow furrowed. She was anxious and wary, I could tell. But telling her now…when I'd be away for a week...
Weaving my fingers through hers, I smiled. We'd figure it out. Somehow, we'd figure it out.
"Come on, let's go have our coffee."
OOOOO
It was, unfortunately, a tournament weekend for Doctor Carlisle Cullen at one of his favored New Jersey golf clubs, and anyone who knew Carlisle knew that only an apocalypse or an act of God kept Carlisle from one of his tournaments.
Therefore, Saturday afternoon, I stood with him out on the green, handing over club after club.
"So, Dad," I said as he set up his next shot, "thanks for fitting me into your schedule here because there's something important I wanted to speak with you about."
"I figured that, Edward." Carlisle eyed the hole he was aiming for and measured his swing. "Golf was never your game as much as I tried to get you interested in it." He turned and took me in over his shoulder. "Though, I'm glad you're here today." He practice-swung. "What is it, son?"
"There's no way around this, so I'm just going to lay it out there, relevant basics, and that's it. I'm pursuing a relationship with Bella Swan, Jasper's ex-wife. A couple of days ago, I found out Jasper has been visiting her with the excuse that he wants her to find a jersey that used to be his, so that he could pass it down to JJ," I sneered, "and the only reason I haven't shown up at Alice and Jasper's doorstep and beat the shit out of Jasper is because of JJ. Which brings me to why I'm here. Dad, I've never asked you for much, but I'm asking you to speak to Alice, without getting Bella's name involved in the conversation, and warn her to keep a tighter leash on that fucking dog she decided she wanted or I swear to God, if I hear he's visited Bella one more time, JJ or not, I'm gonna kill him."
All the while, Carlisle remained with his back to me, club poised in mid-air. His shoulders rose and fell, rose and fell. After a few seconds, he set down the club and turned to face me.
"That's a lot of information to take in at once, while in the middle of a golf tournament."
"I told you I'd give you the relevant basics."
"Relevant basics indeed." He stepped toward me. "How much may I ask here?"
"Ask what you want, but for now, I'll only answer what's relevant to the issue at hand. This is a matter of urgency, Dad. As you know, I'm going to be in Atlanta next week, and I don't want to leave without knowing this has been taken care of. I don't want that motherfucker sniffing anywhere near Bella," I seethed, "and if you won't speak to Alice-"
Carlisle lifted a hand between us, palm out. "Now hold on. I never said that but…well, firstly, does your mother know?"
"Not yet. I do plan to tell her, but first, there are issues between Bella and me which need to be resolved. The only reason I'm sharing this with you now is because I'd like your assistance before I end up killing your grandson's father. What's more, as I said, I don't want Alice knowing either – not yet; not until I'm around to make sure she doesn't get out of hand as well. That's another one I don't trust."
"That's a lot of protection you seem to be providing this young woman, who perhaps, somewhat understandably, has an ax to grind with our family. May I ask how you connected with her? Did you approach her or did she-"
"Dad," I sighed, "none of that is relevant."
Carlisle sighed and raked a hand through his hair. "May I ask how long-"
"No," I said impatiently. "Dad, all I want from you is a promise that you'll speak with your daughter today – this afternoon if possible," I bounced my index finger hard against my palm, "and without mentioning Bella, or my relationship with her; make it understood to Alice that she needs to keep a closer eye on her bastard of a boyfriend."
"Edward-"
"Dad." I swallowed hard and, as he'd just done, I raked a hand through my hair. "I don't like asking you for favors. You know that. But I can't leave for Atlanta knowing that asshole is lurking around Bella."
Carlisle held my gaze. "As I said, it's certainly a lot of protection you're providing that young woman."
"Damn it, Dad. If you won't, then I'll handle-"
"Yes, Edward. Yes. You have my word. I'll speak to Alice while keeping you and…Bella out of it."
"Thank you," I said, and furtively exhaled in relief.
OOOOO
Bella and I spent the first half of the week texting and face timing back and forth as much as both our schedules allowed. In my case, it was in between sessions at the conference and last-minute prep and editing for my speech, and in Bella's case, it was in between her errands, her appointments with Doctor Rose, and the friendships she appeared to be making almost on the daily now. Every time I spoke with her and she mentioned a new acquaintance, I was over the moon for her. The sad, lonely woman I'd met months earlier at the coffee shop wasn't the real Bella. It was almost like…she'd been sleeping, and every day, she awoke more and more. When fully awake, Bella was a magnet.
But it was also torture texting and face-timing with her. I wanted to be with her, especially now that we'd finally, finally left the 'friend zone' behind. She looked so beautiful on those damn screens, and she sounded so happy and excited during our calls. She'd cut her hair into a bob, and I wanted to reach out and touch it through the phone and laptop screens.
But concurrently, there was the knowledge of what our very first conversation, when I returned to New York, would entail. It was terrifying, yet at the same time, it was strangely freeing to know that soon, I'd finally get this off my chest.
The good news was that my dad had kept his promise and spoken with Alice. I didn't ask the particulars, but whatever he said appeared to have done the trick. Wednesday night, while Bella and I face timed, I made vague inquiries about whether her ex-husband had bothered her again. Her answer was a resounding, "No."
I slept soundly that night, dreaming of all that the future held.
That is, until I awoke at some point in the middle of the night, sitting up straight in my hotel bed as Bella's and my last conversation, on our last run, replayed in my head.
"Did I really mention the asshole by name?" I wondered aloud. "Did Bella ever refer to him by name when we spoke about him?"
Warily, I lay my head back down. My dreams for the rest of the night revolved more around the past than a possible future.
"They lied to me!"
"I know, but I've got you."
"I'm going to kill them both."
"You have to try to stop saying that, okay? Security called the cops."
"I don't give a fuck."
"Shh. Come here. They're not worth it, Bella. If they did this to you, they're not worth it."
"They're assholes."
"Yes, they are. Come here. That's right. Shh. It'll be okay. I promise you."
"I promise, Bella," I breathed as I drifted off. "I promise."
OOOOO
Thursday was hectic. It was the final day of sessions, but with the ceremony and presentation of awards the following day, I still had twenty-four hours to go before I could return to New York…and to Bella. Anxious and impatient, Emmett must've noted my jitteriness as he and I rode the elevators back up to our respective hotel rooms.
"Well, that was a long week," he grinned while loosening the knot in his tie.
"Yeah, tell me about it," I smirked.
He eyed me curiously. "Ed, you usually live and breathe for these conferences. I'm surprised you didn't seem to enjoy it more, especially considering your award tomorrow-"
"I'm telling you, I wish I could skip tomorrow, or not tomorrow altogether, just that awards ceremony," I said, recalling the date Bella and I had scheduled for the following evening.
Emmett's brow furrowed. "Listen, do you want to meet at the bar in a bit for a couple of drinks? We could go over your speech again if you're feeling nervous about it."
The speech was already memorized, but…I figured it would be a good time to let Emmett in on what was going on in my personal life. I'd been acting strange; I was aware.
"Yeah, sure," I grinned. "Say in about an hour?" I said as the elevator dinged on his floor.
He chuckled as he stepped off. "Sounds good, my man."
Once in my room, I set down my laptop and threw myself on the bed, exhausted by the day and wishing I had a certain brunette next to me. Closing my eyes, I recalled our last day together, the feel of her soft lips, her breaths in my mouth, her dazed look as we pulled back.
With a sigh, I pulled out my cellphone and tried texting her. I'd tried calling her a couple of times earlier in the afternoon, just to hear her voice, but the calls went straight to voice mail.
Hey, Bella. I've called you a couple of times. No answer. Everything okay? Just wanted to make sure all's good with you. I'd also like to finalize our plans for tomorrow night. Can't wait to see you again.
Setting the phone down, I shut my eyes. The phone beeped half a minute later, and I grinned as I brought it up…a grin which evaporated with the very first word in Bella's responding text.
Asshole, the next time you call, text, or make any sort of contact with me, you'll regret it.
"What the…?" Stupidly enough, in my exhaustion, it took me a handful of seconds to understand what had likely happened.
I sat straight up. "God, no. Jesus, no. Not like this. Please, not like this. Not like this."
I repeated the words as I hit her phone number and brought the cell phone to my ear.
"Pick up, baby. Please pick up."
The phone rang, rang…and rang, then went straight to voice mail. All the while my hands shook. Bile made its way up my esophagus as I typed out a text.
Bella, please pick up the phone. Please allow me to explain.
When the replying bubbles appeared on the screen almost instantly, a sliver of hope raced up my spine only to freeze into icy dread at her two-worded reply.
Fuck. Off.
"Jesus."
This time, when I tried calling again, it didn't even ring but went directly to voice mail.
Bella, please answer my call. Allow me to explain.
Nothing.
I yanked my duffel bag off the room's chair and blindly shoved everything in – clothes, shoes, papers, phone chargers, whatever wasn't nailed down. In between, I called and texted to no avail. With her two-word parting, Bella was apparently done.
Ten minutes later, I stepped onto the hotel elevator and typed out another text as I slammed my palm against the 'L' for Lobby.
Bella, I should've told you the truth from the very beginning. Please allow me to explain why I held back.
The elevator door opened. When I stepped out, my vision tunneled toward the hotel exit.
"Edward!"
"Fuck," I spat yet again as I spun around.
"Edward, where the hell are you going?" Emmett asked, shooting me a bemused grin. "I thought we were meeting at the-"
"Emmett, I'm sorry. I'm actually heading back. I'll explain-"
"Heading back? Heading back, where?"
"To New York. Listen, I've got to-"
"What? What do you mean you're heading back to New York? We've got the awards ceremony tomorrow, remember?" He chuckled humorlessly.
I squeezed my eyes shut and raked a hand through my hair, fisting it hard. "Look," I said when I reopened my eyes, "do me a favor and give that speech for me. You've got a copy of it."
"What? What the fuck, Edward? I'm not giving your award acceptance speech. It's your award acceptance speech! What the hell is going on?"
"Something urgent came up."
"Isn't your mom flying in tomorrow morning to attend the ceremony?"
"Shit. I forgot. I'll text her from the airport and let her know-"
"Let her know what? Edward, what the fuck is going on with you? Seriously? You've been a fucking mess since…" Any vestige of humor or patience was completely erased from Emmett's tone and expression. "This isn't you, Edward. That's the problem here. From the very beginning of all this, this self-centered, irresponsible shit hasn't been how you operate."
Holding his gaze, I walked away from him backward. "I don't have time to explain, but I will, just not now. Tell them I got sick, came down with something, a stomach virus, strep, the fucking flu, I don't care!" I called out.
OOOOO
I made a mistake. I was wrong. I know I was. Please answer me. Curse me out. I don't care. Just answer me.
I wanted to tell you so many times. I swear I did. I was going to tell you tomorrow when we went out. I meant to tell you the morning of our last run, but you were upset.
Was she too upset? Too happy for the truth?
I snorted; fucking Emmett. Like a five-year-old on his first airplane ride, I pushed my feet against the footrest in front of me as if that would make it reach JFK any faster.
I'm so sorry. I never meant for it to get this out of hand. I never meant to hurt you. Please, Bella. Answer your phone.
I deserve all your anger. I know I do. Please, just pick up the call.
Bella, please. I don't deserve for you to hear me out, but please pick up.
OOOOO
I arrived at my apartment early that evening…and that was when Bella finally…finally picked up. By that point, I'd been calling more out of desperation than with any hope that she'd actually pick up. Therefore, when she did answer, for those first few seconds, I had no idea what to say.
After those first few seconds, Bella filled the tense silence.
"So much insistence, yet when I pick up, you have nothing to say."
Her voice was a cold monotone. It was the voice of the woman I'd met- re-met a couple of months earlier in a coffee shop – the one who classified everyone into either assholes or idiots and nothing in between. It wasn't the woman I'd spent my time with since.
In turn, my voice came out hoarse and uneven, "I…I think I'd given up on you actually answering."
"Then why keep calling, Edward?" she asked with no emotion.
"Bella…" I murmured, swallowing, "can we please meet somewhere and-"
There was no hesitancy in her reply. "No. I only picked up to tell you to please leave me alone. You had your fun, now stop it."
"It's not what you think."
This time, she didn't answer immediately. "I don't care how you frame it, Edward," she finally said. "I don't care that she's your sister and you wanted to protect her. And I totally meant it when I told her that I'd call the cops if you kept harassing me, so-"
I squeezed my fists and eyes together and cursed under my breath. Alice. Of course, it was Alice.
"Bella, I have no idea what you told her or what she told you. I don't speak to her."
"Bullshit," she spat.
"Bella, I've lied to you," I admitted in a rush, having no idea how much time I had to plead my case, "I know I have, but I-"
"I don't want to hear any explanations or justifications," she hissed. "You lied to me, you used me, and that's all there is to it. Now-"
"I didn't use you. I would never-"
"Look, I only picked up to tell you to leave me alone. You got the information you wanted, you passed it on to Alice-"
Now I spat my words. "What? Bella, I told you; I don't even speak to Alice."
Unfortunately, if at all possible, the conversation – if one could call it that – only deteriorated from there.
"However it worked isn't the issue. You spoke to your father, who apparently went back and-"
"Yes. Yes, I spoke to my father. I admit that. I spoke to him to inform him I was pursuing a relationship with you, and that if Jasper didn't stay the fuck away from you, I was going to-"
"Edward, I don't care. I don't care! I can't do this! You're her brother-"
"Bella, I can't help who I'm related to."
"No, but you could've told me, Edward! You could've been upfront with me instead of spying on me! Instead of pretending you knew nothing, when you were there! What kind of sick, twisted game-"
"I wasn't spying on you, and it wasn't a game!"
What was it she'd called me on more than one occasion? Jack Ryan slash James Bond. I could only imagine what she was making of my 'spy persona' now.
"She didn't screw me over enough? You had to finish the job?"
"Jesus." I hung my head and fisted the hair at my nape.
For a long while, we were both quiet.
"I'm hanging up-"
"I was going to tell you," I whispered raggedly, praying for some sort of guidance, but it was as if everything I knew about Bella, everything I'd learned…extrapolated in the past few weeks suddenly abandoned me. In the end, all I could offer were convoluted, half-assed excuses which made even me wince as I offered them.
"From the very beginning, I meant to tell you. But you didn't recognize me, and I should've…but the second I hesitated and allowed you to believe I was a complete stranger… Bella, I knew I fucked myself over, and every time I saw you it just got harder and harder to come clean."
"So you chose to lie to me," she seethed, "to play this game instead."
"Every day, I fell for you more and more. I think I began falling-"
"Am I supposed to believe that? Do you really think I'm still that gullible," she snorted incredulously, "that even after finding out you were lying to me, that you were there, that you're her brother, I'd still believe that you care about me?"
"I do care about you. So damn much. And you know, deep inside, you know I do. If you don't believe anything else, and if you remember that I was there-"
"All I remember is that you tried to keep me away from her."
"Jesus, Bella, that's not what I was doing. It had nothing to do with her or with your bastard husband."
"Edward, I don't believe a word that's coming out of your mouth. And if you really have an ounce of respect for me, you won't contact me again."
With those words, Bella dashed any hope I might've had remaining. It all boiled down to respect, didn't it? I loved her, but I hadn't respected her; at least, not enough to tell her the truth. The only way to prove I completely respected her…
"Please don't ask me for that," I pleaded.
"I don't want to see you again. Even if half of what you're saying is true, I can never trust you. There can never be anything between us."
"If I'd told you who I was," my voice broke, but by that point, I didn't care, "you would've never given me the time of day."
"You're right. You're absolutely right, and that right there should've kept you away from me."
"I couldn't stay away. I wasn't following you," I said, pausing to lick my parched lips – lips which had kissed her lips less than a week earlier, "our chance encounter in that coffee shop was exactly that: a chance encounter, but I saw it as more."
She snorted derisively. "More?"
"I saw it as a sign that maybe now…Bella, don't you remember-"
"Stop it!" she growled indignantly. "Stop this! Stop playing your fucking mind games! I remember everything I need to remember! Don't call me again, Edward! Don't look for me! If you respect me at all, you'll leave me alone! And you'll respect the decision that I don't want anything to do with you or your family ever again!"
Standing in the middle of my apartment, I felt all blood drain from me and pool to my feet. An eternity seemed to transpire, but of course, I knew it hadn't. Finally…I forced myself to speak the words she was waiting for.
"I do respect you. I respect you more than I've ever respected anyone. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry I did this so wrong, and I'm so damn sorry I hurt you," I choked, "because you're the last person in the world I ever want to see hurt again."
"Then…goodbye, Edward."
Could I say the next words?
I had to say them. Because I respected her.
"Goodbye, Bella."
OOOOO
'You lied to me. You used me.'
'You could've been upfront with me instead of spying on me.'
'She didn't screw me over enough? You had to finish the job?'
'…if you have any respect for me, you won't contact me again.'
'I can never trust you. There can never be anything between us.'
'I remember everything I need to remember!'
"Except, you don't remember everything, Bella. You don't. You don't."
I mumbled it over and over as I sat there a while later – minutes? An hour? – still clutching the phone in one hand and staring into space- or rather, not staring into space but with my gaze alternating between the city's darkness beyond the windows and the Peruvian wall hanging of two rams in combat.
I'd made my choices, so the two roads which had been before me for months had converged and led to the abyss after all. That abyss stretched out before me now, but it wasn't an abyss represented by a circular black hole in outer space nor by a long, nondescript tunnel in some drug-induced haze, with no beginning and no end.
No.
My abyss would begin in the morning when I awoke and ran the Tribeca streets without her. It would continue when I arrived at the coffee shop afterward and she wasn't there – because of course, she wouldn't be there. It would stretch out as I went about my day, doing my job, interacting with coworkers, with acquaintances, with friends…but not with her.
'Don't call me again, Edward. Don't look for me. If you respect me at all, you'll leave me alone...'
My abyss was the knowledge that I hadn't respected her enough, yet I respected her…loved her so much, I'd spend the rest of my days without her.
I'm not sure how long I'd been sitting there when the uninvited, unexpected visitor gave up on ringing the doorbell and resorted to knocking hard instead. With the person's anxious fists reverberating in my head, I walked to the door more out of instinct, an innate custom than out of a desire to greet an interloper.
'…and you'll respect the decision that I don't want anything to do with you or your family ever again.'
After all, it would never be the one person I wanted.
A/N: Thoughts?
Glinda reminded me of yummy piraguas a few days ago. So the Italian icies became piraguas instead. ;)
And…yeah. We're up to that part, and I know piraguas don't make up for it. :(
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"See" you soon.