Raphael woke four hours later in the early hours of December 24 and saw that he was still in the lab.

Mikey sat by his bedside and said, when he saw him stirring, "Hey, Raph."
"It was just a nightmare, right, Mikey?" Raphael asked hopefully. "Tell me I didn't hurt Fearless."
"You did, but we'll get through this, Raph.
"Are there really gonna be babies?"
"It's a possibility. Leo doesn't want them and wants me to dump the eggs wherever. It's not that he blames them, but they'd be a constant reminder, you know. You probably feel the same way, which is a normal reaction and Leo doesn't want you to have them. It's his body, so he gets to make the decisions. Can I bring you anything to eat and drink?"
"Yer talkin' 'bout gettin' ridda my kids, like yer takin' out the trash," Raphael said irately. "They're mine too and I got a say in what happens ta them."
"You don't. Leo says…."
"I get I hurt Leo, Mikey, and I ain't gonna forgive myself for that, but the kids are mine as well and I got a say. I want them."
"Raph, they'd be a constant….."
"They're mine."
"You're fifteen-years-old and clueless about caring for a kid. Your room looks like a tornado hit it. You're aggressive, immature, impulsive, stubborn, impatient. How the heck can you look after a kid when you can't even look after yourself? Me and Donnie would be better parents. You….."
"Ya know nothin' 'bout me, Mikey. I'm all that, sure, but I got heart and love and I want my babies if there are any. I won't be perfect, but I'll do my best ta be a good daddy and I… I hope when Leo sees that, that some of his hatred towards me will abate. I'll cope and there ain't no changin' my mind. They're my only shot at bein' a daddy and I'm takin' it. I'll move away if I gotta, but I ain't havin' my kids dumped in the middle of nowhere, like they're garbage."
"Raph, if you're hoping that looking after the kids will make Leo fall in love with you, it won't, okay? Life doesn't happen that way. I want to ask something and I want you to be truthful. You told us you remembered nothing and that you were in a zombie like state, but were you really or do you remember what happened?"
"I don't remember nothin' and I don't want my kids, so I can woo Leo. Damn it, Mikey. He's my brother. I ain't never considered him as nothin' else. It'd be fuckin' twisted and Sensei would roll in his grave."
"It'd be a strange situation, yes, but it's not uncommon in the wild for turtles if no others are around and there are only four of our kind, so it'd make sense if we turned to one another."
"The idea of bein' with anyone of ya sickens me ta the core. I like chicks. What's wrong with ya, Mikey? Are ya high or somethin'? Have ya considered any of us that way?"
"Yes. You. I've always liked you and been drawn to you, Raph, but I was too shy to say anything."
Raphael's eyes green eyes widened in horror and he said, "Is this some kinda prank of yers?"
"No, Raph. I love you. I always have. Everything about you. I don't think you really like girls. You pretend to, but you really want a guy. A guy, who can give you all you deserve and need. I could be that guy if you let me. We get along great, so it makes sense to move to the next level, right?"
"Mikey…"
"You don't want a girl, least of all Irma. That nerd's got nothing on me. Have you considered any of us?"
"I told ya no. I'm straight."
"Then why were you always so jealous when Karai was around Leo? I know why. You secretly love him and the drug reinforced it. You were just always too shy to voice your feelings."
"Because Leo had someone and I had no one. That's all. Yer perverted. I ain't never…."
"Yeah, yeah, keep denying it, Raph, but I think that's why you really want the kids. You want Leo. You always have. Just not by force. Admit it. That little crush on Irma was just that. A harmless little crush you fixated on, because you thought loving us was wrong!"
"FUCK OFF, MIKEY!" Raphael yelled, his green eyes flashing. "Fuck off."
"Did I hit a nerve? Admit it, Raph."

Raphael drew a shaky breath and swallowed. How had Mikey guessed his darkest secret, when he'd worked so hard to hide it? How?

"Sensei always said it was sinful lovin' one another," Raphael said. "He told us we'd go ta hell if we did. Do ya remember, Mikey?"
"Yes."
"I always loved Leo more than ya guys, but I knew I was in love with him, when I turned thirteen. All I could think 'bout was him, his gorgeous eyes and his beatific smile, which could light up the darkest room. I felt butterflies and all gooey whenever he was 'round. I wrote 'bout him nonstop in my journals and 'bout how much I loved him. I masturbated ta photos of him. Ya get the drift. Late one night, I was wankin' off ta a photo of Leo, when the door opened and Sensei entered the room ta say goodnight. I was so entranced in what I was doin' that I didn't hear him. He heard my churrs and me callin' out Leo's name and he was the most incensed I've ever seen him. He yanked me ta my feet and gave me a sound thrashin' with his cane, tellin' me I was sick and perverted for havin' those thoughts 'bout my brother. He told me he'd cast me out if I continued havin' those thoughts and urged me ta change my ways. I was so afraid of him, Mikey, and I started believin' he was right, because no guy should have those thoughts 'bout his brother. I did everythin' I could ta stop thinkin' 'bout Leo. Then Irma came into our lives and I thought, wow. I can focus on her and it's normal, ya know, and no one will think me twisted."
"But Sensei's been gone a year, Raph. You could have asked Leo out."
"Yeah, but I was ashamed 'bout my feelings after what Dad did. I told myself I liked Irma and had hopes of datin' her. Crazy, I know, but better than lovin' Leo. Now I've violated him in the worst possible way, so even if I still liked him, he wouldn't like me back."
"Wow. That's so messed up. Do you still like him? You can talk to me."
"I told myself for the longest time that I didn't and focused on Irma, but …Yeah, Mikey. I'll always love Leo, but he's more unattainable than Irma."
"You should have liked me. It'd be less complicated."
"No offence, Mike, but I'm not into ya and never have been. Ya belong with someone like Donnie. I'd only bring ya heartache."
"So, what would you do if Leo did fall in love with you?"
"I'd be a lucky and happy guy, but that ain't gonna happen and neither will Irma. I'd settle for Leo just forgivin' me. The thought of him hatin' me forever cuts like a knife. Then I could be at peace. Knowin' I've inflicted so much trauma, grief and agony on the person I love most hurts so much. More than any injuries I've suffered. I'd lay down my life for all of ya, but Leo….He's…different…I love him more than I love myself. He's noble, passionate, carin', honest, sensitive, sweet and I….I hate what I've done ta him, Mike, and indirectly ta the family. Shredder knew what he was doin'. He wanted our family destroyed and he succeeded."
"Raph, he hasn't won. Our family will heal and you and Leo will make peace. I believe it. Leo loves you and he could never hate you…"
"Yeah? This ain't a mere spat, Mike. I raped him, okay? Ya don't just get over it and sometimes ya never do, so I gotta…I pray he'll forgive me, but he probably won't. I don't blame him and I don't know if I could. My babies….My babies will be my life and my sole focus. Sure they're a reminder of what happened, but I don't see it that way. I see it as the life I could have had with Leo had we been together in a lovin' relationship. I view them with love and affection. I love them so much, even though they ain't born and I don't even know if they will be, because they're Leo's and nothin' of Leo's can be bad, right, even if they got my DNA as well?"
"You're not a bad guy, Raph. It was the drugs. You're a great guy and if you're serious about the kids, I'll help you and so will Donnie."
"Thanks. I'm serious, Mike. I ain't never been so serious before. I like the names Rosa and Madeleine if they're girls and if there are boys, I like Leo and Max. Don't tell no one 'bout our convo."
"Scout's honor. Do you want anything to eat or drink?"
"No, thanks. Hey, Mike? Ya should talk ta Donnie and see if he wants ta go out with ya. No harm tryin' and who knows, ya could be meant for one another."
"I might. I'll bring something for you to eat."
"I don't want nothin'."
"You should eat. I'll be back shortly. Raph, we'll get through this and I hope you have your happy ending with Leo. I know you wouldn't intentionally hurt him. He knows that and he'll come around. You'll see. Have faith. Bye for now."

Nah, Raphael thought miserably, as tears rained down his face. Leo ain't gonna forgive me and we ain't gonna get together, but I swear I'll love any babies with every fiber of my bein' and will be the daddy they need and deserve.

A/N So Raph's always loved Leo. Will he ever forgive himself?