A/N: Thanks so much for all your wonderful thoughts.
Most characters belong to S. Meyer. The rest belong to me. All mistakes are mine.
Broken – Chapter 17
Seated behind her desk, CDC Deputy Director Leann Polk checked her watch.
"Edward, that was wonderfully quick, exact, straightforward, and all of it accomplished in about ninety-seconds; impressive." She offered me a grin accompanied by a slow nod.
In fact, everything about the rushed, impatient demeanor the deputy director sported about ninety seconds earlier was now considerably diminished, ever since I'd laid out the main points regarding Emmett's success with the high yield replication of a viable anti-viral.
And with that urgent task out of the way, it was only now that my arms and legs began quaking, agitated by a matter which was perhaps less urgent to the world-at-large, but to me, it was momentous.
Hi, Edward. It's Bella. I know it's been a while…
She contacted me. She wanted to talk – for 'closure', yes, and I was sure the bittersweet agony of that would hit me full force once she had her closure, but for now, she wanted to meet with me. What's more, after my epiphany earlier that morning, bittersweet agony was a small price to pay.
I eased off my chair. "I'm glad my team and I could be of service, Leann. We'll talk again as soon as Emmett and Bonnie-"
"Edward, I wish everyone in this agency got to the point as quickly as you just did. Sometimes, I have people come in here requesting five minutes, but guess what? They don't really mean five minutes," she chuckled, leaning across her desk and forcing me – after a furtive exhalation – to reclaim my seat. "Instead, they just go on and on and on," – she gestured a continuous loop – "ad nauseum, with not only useless but time-consuming information."
"Uhm…I know what you mean." I checked my watch and lifted myself off the chair again. "So, I'll just get out of your way-"
"I want you to know I appreciate your hard work as well as the expeditiousness with which you accomplished it all. Look at you. Seriously, look at you." When she pointed at me, I locked my jaw and, taking my seat yet again, obediently looked down at myself. "You didn't even waste time trying to impress me with a fancy suit this morning. For heaven's sake, you're still in your jogging shorts and hoodie! It's that sort of dedication to our mission which impresses me even more than if you'd waltzed in here wearing an EMC Designs, custom-made suit. Yes, I know she's your mom," she whispered conspiratorially before chuckling again.
In return, I forced a smile.
"Edward, you're truly an asset to this agency and to our efforts at keeping the public safe and healthy."
I've been wondering, however, if perhaps we can have coffee…
"Thank you, Leann. I appreciate the sentiment. But as I said, Emmett and Bonnie have worked nonstop. They're documenting the results as we speak, which is why they couldn't join us for this meeting. In fact, the entire team-"
"I know, I know." She waved off the rest. "I know your entire team has worked hard, and once this is over, you and your team will be officially recognized for it all."
There were things you once wanted to tell me…
"Thanks. Now, if-"
"This'll make what, two years in a row you've received a recognition award?"
"Three. Can we-"
Her brows rose high above her forehead. "Three years in a row? Edward, pretty soon you'll be running-"
"I'm sorry, Leann, but weren't you on a tight schedule today? I don't want to be the cause-"
"Well, there's really not so much of a rush now that I don't need to make it to the airport, is there?" Leann grinned. "Oh, I better speak to Emily and let her know what's going on so that she can cancel the meeting this afternoon. Raoul," she called out, "please get me the Director on the phone!"
"Sure, Leann!" Raoul replied.
…and I think I'm ready to listen…
I checked my watch.
"All right, Leann. I'll leave you to it then." I stood up completely.
"Why don't you stay and join us for the call, Edward?" she suggested. "You can lead. You've earned the lead."
I think if we discussed these issues…
"Thank you, Leann, honestly, but I actually have another urgent call to make. Would it be all right if we reconvened later when Emmett and Bonnie complete their documentation? We both know Emmett is better equipped than I am at providing the microbiology portion of it anyway."
The deputy director chuckled once more. "That is true. All right, let's plan on later this afternoon. I'll probably spend the morning and early afternoon on calls assuring everyone we're finally a go with the antiviral."
"Sounds good."
I began to turn.
"And Edward?"
"Yes, Leann?" I gritted through my teeth as I turned to face her.
"Plan on being in Atlanta next week. We're going to have to work on this from headquarters for a bit, at least while we meet with the FDA and HHS and other agencies on preliminary production, approvals, and distribution schedules. The holidays are just around the corner. We've got to keep the momentum going for as long as we can."
"I agree. Thanks again, Leann, for giving me your time."
This time, I turned and strode decisively toward the door, even as she called out yet again.
"Thanks to you and your team, Edward, once again, the world will never know just how close it came to complete and utter annihilation!"
We both laughed as I walked out of her office.
Despite everything, in our careers, you had to keep up your sense of humor.
OOOOO
"You're done." As I stepped out of Leann's office and shut her door behind me, Raoul checked his watch, "And with thirty seconds to spare. I'm impressed."
"Yeah, I'm quick and to the point. I've heard. Thanks."
In the middle of the waiting area, I pulled out my cell phone and unlocked the screen. Then, for a handful of seconds, my thumbs hovered over the keyboard. I hadn't spoken her name or written it…tried not to even think of it for months.
Bella.
I mouthed the name as I typed it, smiled to myself at how good it felt to say it as I hit send.
"What did you say?" Raoul asked.
"Nothing."
"Oh. Well, Leann wants me to schedule you for another meeting this afternoon. Your team and you will get an entire half-hour this time."
"Good. Good."
How are you?
I sent off the question as I thought about what more I wanted to say. Then, I snorted to myself because the question to myself should've been 'What didn't I want to say?'
It's great to hear from you. It's been a long while. The way things ended was…difficult, to say the least. You looked amazing the other day, truly happy, and I was thrilled to see that. There were things I wanted to tell you, things I've regretted not saying from the very first time I saw you in that coffee shop, and things I'll still tell you if you'll listen.
"Edward!"
I sent the text and looked up sharply. "What?"
Raoul rolled his eyes. "I need to know your team's availability today."
"You need to know now?"
"Yes, Edward; I need to know now. When you needed your five minutes with Leann, you needed them now, right?"
"You're right." I sighed as I switched out of my text to Bella and texted my team instead. "You're right."
Five minutes later, and with everyone having replied with their availability, I returned to my previous text – to which Bella still hadn't replied.
And if it'll give you closure, if that's what you need. Just let me know where and when, okay? Take care, Bella.
I mouthed her name once more before hitting 'send.'
"So, three o'clock sounds good for everyone?" Raoul asked.
I stared at the screen and nodded after a few seconds. "Yeah. Yeah, three o'clock sounds good."
"All right. It's set. Gives you more than enough time to go home, shower, and change before the meeting," Raoul suggested pointedly.
On the cell phone screen, there was still no reply. With another deep breath, I repocketed the phone and looked up at Raoul.
"I should. And Raoul, thanks for everything."
OOOOO
Just as I reached the corner of my block, the phone in my pocket buzzed. For a few seconds, I didn't dare look. Instead, I stood in the middle of the block and took in my surroundings. The neighborhood teemed with its daily routines, individuals scurrying back and forth, cars racing to their destinations, storefronts decorated for the end-of-year holidays. Everyone was unaware and understandably uncaring as to why I just stood there. Why this moment was so huge for me, one way or another. Then, just like a true New Yorker, I caught myself talking to myself.
"What's the worst that could happen? She says she changed her mind and she doesn't need to speak with me for closure or for anything after all. Or it's not her at all and…she never replies." I snorted. "But at least I'll know I crossed her mind."
Drawing in a breath, I pulled out my phone.
The coffee shop? Noon today?
It was New York City, so I doubt the broad grin on my face as I replied to the text went noticed.
See you there and then, Bella.
OOOOO
At eleven-forty-five a.m., I arrived at the coffee shop where I re-met Bella a year ago, and a year after That Day. It was a strange sensation, being back at the coffee shop which held so many good memories, yet all of them intertwined within half-truths if not outright lies by omission. Inside, things had changed. There was some redecorating, which made it appear more like a trendy café than the basic but kick-ass coffee shop I'd patronized for a couple of years. Also, Bree was gone. Good luck to her but thank God.
I took a seat at a small table for two in a relatively quiet part of the packed café, and then I purposely chose the seat with my back to the door. Inspecting every person who passed by would've driven me insane while I waited. I also forced myself not to turn every time the bell over the coffee shop door chimed. So, I sat stiffly and with a racing heart, adjusting my button-down shirt, clearing my throat so many times the people at the table across from me looked over once or twice, raking a hand through my hair, and…waiting.
Yet, despite my resolve not to turn every time the bell chimed, at eleven-forty-eight, it chimed and…I turned and looked over my shoulder.
Even as I stood to greet her, I was half-convinced she was a vision. The prior evening, my team and I were at least forty-eight hours from a viable antiviral, and the one and only time I'd seen Bella in a year had been a couple of weeks earlier, while she was on a date with someone else.
How had I gotten from that to here in less than twenty-four hours?
And it wasn't simply that she looked unbelievably beautiful, even more so than I'd allowed myself to remember. She wore jeans tucked into black boots and a short, black leather jacket, with her hair loose and falling past her shoulders in waves. And I preferred it all to the dress she wore for him, but it was none of that.
It was her eyes; or rather, it was the look in her eyes as she walked toward me, the expression in them obviously one of nervousness, yet locked on mine as if they were as helplessly hypnotized as I was. For two seconds, they lit up in a way I'd never expected to witness again, dark yet full of light, rounded as if despite her anxiety…she wasn't uneasy. While they didn't convey the ease I'd witnessed between her and the man at the restaurant, a uniquely complex myriad of emotions danced in them.
As she reached the table, she broke our gaze, and I sprang into action, swiftly rounding the table and with shaking hands, pulling out her chair. Carlisle taught me one or two useful things.
"Thanks," she murmured softly, voice just as musical as I recalled.
"No problem," I replied as she took her seat, and then I returned to my own. With both of us facing one another, our eyes met and held yet again. After a few moments, I cleared my throat and spoke.
"You look great. You let your hair grow out again."
"Oh." She reached back and touched her hair as if surprised by the compliment. "Thanks. You look great too."
Now it was my turn to be caught by surprise. "Uhm, I was going to order you a coffee, but I wasn't sure if you still took it the same." A ghost of a smile spread across my face as I recalled the barista calling out a year earlier, 'Bella, dark and bitter!'
"Oh." She cleared her throat. "Yes. Yes, I do take it the same."
"Okay. So, give me a sec, and I'll go put in our orders?" I gestured toward the counter.
"Okay. Thank you."
I stood up as fluidly as I could manage, exhaling through narrowed lips when I turned. Coffee – dark and bitter for her; light and foamy for me. Ordering the coffee would give me a couple of minutes to pull myself together here. Fortunately or unfortunately, there happened to be no one else in line, and with a barista who appeared much more efficient than Bree, it was barely enough time. I was back in my seat within a minute. Bella quirked an eyebrow as if surprised by the speed of my return as well.
"They should be ready in a few minutes."
She nodded, and then, simultaneously, we both appeared to decide to bite the bullet.
"Edward, I-"
"Bella, you-"
Now we chuckled in unison. I motioned for her to go first. She began slowly and haltingly, which killed me, but as she continued, she appeared to relax some more.
"I just wanted to thank you for meeting me today on such short notice and…despite how we left things the last time we spoke."
I shook my head swiftly. "No. No problem. I was…glad to hear from you, even gladder you texted today and not last week or next."
"How come?" She titled her head curiously, her long hair falling over one shoulder.
I drew in a breath. Oh, I would tell her the entire truth this time; I'd learned my fucking lesson. But did she want the short answer right now…or the complicated one?
Unsure, I scraped my hands across the table back and forth, keeping my gaze on them as I spoke.
"Well, I've been away for a while, for the past year or so."
"For work?"
No; no, I'd gone too long without looking at her. When I looked up, I met those hypnotizing eyes yet again.
"Yeah."
"Where've you been?"
"Uh, I was in Asia for a while – for a few months before last year's flu season. Then in Central America and the Caribbean for a small yellow fever outbreak. I spent a couple of months in Atlanta at CDC Headquarters."
"You were in New York a couple of weeks ago, though. Right?"
She smiled, and for a few seconds, I stared in silent bewilderment due to both the ever-growing ease of her smile and her knowledge of my whereabouts a couple of weeks earlier."
"Yeah." I offered her a faint smile in return. "That night I saw you with…" - your boyfriend - I cleared my throat, "I saw you at that restaurant, I was picking up an order for a group of us back at the office. We were having a late session at work. There are issues with this year's flu vaccine, but-" Fuck, I was rambling on about work. Offering her an apologetic grin, I shook my head and cut myself the hell off. "Never mind."
"No," she said then nodded. "No, I know. I mean…I saw you on TV a couple of weeks ago talking about it."
I quirked a brow. "You did?"
"Yeah. You discussed specific strains."
It took me back to those days when she'd tease me on the daily, when she'd listen so intently to all my bullshit about work, despite everything she had going on in her life.
I threw back my head and chuckled heartily, so fucking happy and heartbroken all at once. When the chuckled diminished, I sighed and met her gaze again.
"I guess I never learn my lesson about that, do I?"
"Apparently not," she grinned.
"My friend and colleague, Emmett McCarty, was standing behind the camera while I gave that interview. When I started talking strains, he waved his hands wildly, mouthed, 'Stop!' But, I was on a roll."
"Yeah, I remember how you are once you get started on those strains." She rolled her eyes and God…God, she remembered. For a few moments, neither one of us said anything, while I wondered what went through her mind.
"Anyway, last week I was at CDC Headquarters again, and I have to return next week."
"You've been busy."
"Yeah," I nodded, "but you know what they say about idle hands and idle minds." I raked a nervous hand through my hair. "Anyway, it's been good. Keeps me focused. I haven't-"
"Bella, dark and bitter! Edward, light and foamy!"
Bella chuckled quietly. "I see you still take it the same too."
Jesus, how much did she remember?
"I do," I grinned. "Excuse me. I'll be right back."
I picked up the coffees and returned promptly. For a while, we both kept our hands around our mugs, yet neither took a sip or spoke.
"So Bella, how-"
"Edward-"
Again, we shared a mutually self-conscious chuckle, dropping our eyes to the space between us.
"I went first before," she said. "It's your turn now."
Drawing in a deep breath, I met her dark eyes.
"How've you been, Bella?" I asked softly. Did you fall in love with him? Is this truly closure so that you can move on with him?
"I've been good, Edward. Pretty good. Busy as well." She paused and smiled. "I got a job."
"Did you?" I grinned. "Where- I mean," – It was an invasive fucking question, especially considering our past – "Sorry. I just meant, what do you do?"
"No, it's fine, it's fine." She magnanimously waved away my apology, but I could tell I'd made her uncomfortable. We both reached for our coffee and hid behind our mugs for a handful of seconds. She was the first to set it down and clear her throat, bravely continuing our conversation.
"Well, though not as exciting as your year around the world-"
I snorted.
"I'm actually part of a writer's group workshop downtown," she continued. "We set up publications, readings, and contests for new writers, stuff like that. It's interesting work. I meet a lot of wonderful people."
"That sounds amazing, Bella, and right up your alley. You've always been an artistic, free spirit, who was never meant to be bound by some stupid, two-cent, neighborhood publication. It sounds great, Bella; it really does."
For a moment, I feared I'd said too much, revealed my love for her too openly and made her uncomfortable once again. But Bella just held my gaze, and so I dared further.
"But what about your writing?" I asked carefully. "How's that going? I remember…I remember you were really involved in a project-"
"It was a novel," she said. "It was a novel, Edward."
"You never told me that before," I murmured.
This time, she didn't reply right away.
"I was going to. I was going to tell you exactly what I was writing. That weekend…I was going to share it with you, ask you if you wanted to read it."
My heart dropped to my feet. Concurrently, anger at my stupidity, at all I'd lost swelled within me.
"And I fucked it all up," I breathed, nostrils flaring as I broke our gaze. "I fucked it up from the very beginning. And worst of all…I hurt you."
"That night after I found out, you called me; you weren't supposed to be back in New York yet. You had a conference the next morning in Atlanta, a speech you were scheduled to give. That's why we were waiting until Friday night to meet."
I kept my gaze on the window, on the golden glow of a fall afternoon.
"You came back to New York early."
I nodded.
"To speak with me?"
Again, I nodded.
"What happened with your speech, Edward?"
Speech. I'd never told her it was actually an award. I shrugged, snorting as I recalled Emmett's fury that day at my last-minute request that he accept the award on my behalf because I had more urgent business. If only I'd treated it with the urgency it required earlier…
"I asked a colleague, Emmett, to present it for me."
In my periphery, I saw Bella shake her head. When she spoke again, her voice shook, and the words she said, so close to what I'd just thought myself, took my breath away. For a couple of seconds, I squeezed my eyes shut.
"So much urgency once you realized I'd figured it out. Why couldn't you have shown that urgency beforehand? The moment you handed me that coffee cup, you should've-"
I forced my guilty gaze back to her. "I was wrong, Bella; one-hundred percent wrong. I'll own that completely. But for those first few minutes, I honestly thought you recognized me. And I thought…for those first few minutes, I thought the fact that you actually spoke to me meant something. I thought it meant you remembered me, and you were okay with me despite who I was and who I... It wasn't until we stood out on the sidewalk that I realized you thought you were speaking with a perfect stranger."
"Why didn't you say anything then?"
"I should've," I admitted miserably. "But…I didn't think it likely I'd see you again after that, and I selfishly wanted to hold on to our conversation for a few minutes longer."
"Fine," she snapped. "What about the time after that, Edward? You had so many opportunities in those first few weeks."
I'd be honest with her. This time, I'd lay my heart out, no matter what it cost me. She deserved that and more.
"Do you know I saw you in that coffee shop for two straight weeks after that first encounter, and I didn't say a word to you? I didn't approach you. I'd come in and get my coffee, and there you'd be, typing away, distracted by your imagination, and I would stand there and wonder… One day, I found myself sitting next to you again, speaking with you, and every word between us just drew me in more and more. Every subsequent encounter was the same, and every subsequent encounter, I told myself I'd tell you before I left. And when I didn't, I hated myself. But Jesus, Bella," I said, fisting my hair, "you should've been the hardest person in the world for me to speak with, yet you were the easiest. You should've been the easiest person for me to run the other way from, yet you were the hardest."
"And all while you did these things, all while you knew this, you left me in the dark," she choked. "You took it upon yourself to deal with the paradox of us, and in the process, you made it all a lie. You turned it into a mockery."
"It wasn't all a lie," I said swiftly. Yes, I'd lay my heart out there, no matter the cost. "The most salient fact of all wasn't a lie."
She shut her eyes and shook my head.
"Are you okay?"
Her eyes shot open, fire swirling in their dark depths. "I'm fine, Edward. I wasn't a china doll then, and I'm not one now. And I would've been fine. I would've been better had you been honest and upfront, than with the mortification you made me feel with your lies, with your omissions."
No, she wasn't a china doll, but I'd taken it upon myself to be her protector anyway, her knight in shining armor without letting her know I'd placed her in a castle to which only I had the key.
"God, I'm so sorry."
"Tell me the truth. Tell me everything, once and for all. Tell me what was real back then and what wasn't, so that I can try to figure out what's real now. Because I'm stuck now, Edward," she said, gripping her own hair now. "I've managed the database as far as I can on my own, and I think I've done well with it. But it's getting mixed up because I don't know what files should take precedence…and which ones should be returned to the bottom of the list."
I understood her instantly. Bella's mind had always worked in the most complexly magnificent way; it was one of the many things I adored about her. So, despite the reference to a database, I knew exactly what she meant. She was putting a life together: new job, new friends, new love, but she needed to make sense of our time and how it tied into That Day before she could go on…fall completely in love…marry…
In the small space between us, her hands were in tense fists. Holding her gaze, allowing her every opportunity to stop me, I slowly inched my hand toward hers, toward the hand she'd had enclosed within another man's hand a couple of weeks earlier. I wouldn't push too far, no. So, when I reached her hand, I brushed her soft knuckles lightly, stroked the smooth skin until her hand relaxed…and then fighting against every temptation, I pulled my hand away with the ghostly imprint of her skin still on my fingertips.
"If your database is mixed up, let me help you sort through it. And then…it'll be completely up to you how you want to organize those files."
For one long moment, Bella held me locked in her enigmatically dark gaze.
"Completely up to me, huh? Even though you're…even though you'll be sorting through it with me?"
"Yes, Bella," I breathed. "This time, you'll be completely in charge, and every last piece of data will be yours for the asking."
"Mine for the asking," she echoed, nodding thoughtfully, searching my eyes before she blinked and broke our connection. When her gaze swept to the window, mine followed suit. Outside, the late fall's breeze whipped up a collection of dry, broken leaves, which had gathered at the curb. They formed a funnel right in front of us, twisting and churning in the air before diving back onto the sidewalk and scattering. All the while, Bella watched it all in open fascination. Even before she spoke, I knew her mind was creating the most magnificent scenario.
"They look like pebbles bouncing off the ground, don't they?"
I chuckled in quiet awe at her ability to create the perfect comparison. "They do. Though, it's a shame they make such a mess at this time of year by getting into everything."
Once more, she met my eyes. "But that's their purpose, isn't it, Edward – getting into everything at this time of year?"
When I tilted my head in confusion, she sighed…and smiled.
"During the height of summer, when we're too involved in ourselves to pay them any mind, the leaves blend into the background of our lives. But when the summer ends, when we're ready to look beyond ourselves…that's when they shine through, with their rich and vibrant colors, always ready to brighten our days," she finished in a whisper.
It was a full minute before I could reply.
"You always had such a way with words, with describing the simplest scenery."
"It's not simple scenery," she grinned, her eyes holding a hint of that teasing sparkle I once…still adored. "That's my whole point."
I chuckled ruefully. "You're right. But what I meant was…Bella…" – I leaned in slightly across the table. She'd allowed me to touch her, to offer her comfort as much as it was in my power to do so. The last thing I wanted was to push her beyond that comfort zone. "…have you ever heard of Chaos Theory?"
This time, the smirk she gave me held more than a hint of that sardonic humor I'd missed so much. Backing away, she crossed her arms against her chest.
"Had you ever read my novel…my transcript I should say, you'd know that I have. I'm not an expert at it, but basically, Chaos Theory says that there's order in the most random events, that small events yield huge outcomes. A butterfly flaps its wings, a pebble is cast in a pond, and it all reverberates far and wide. So the leaves outside, they were always meant to be there, always meant to blend in the summer, and shine in the fall."
"Yeah," I whispered. "According to Chaos Theory, those leaves broke off days ago, but they were always going to end up in front of that window to make you smile."
She offered me a gentle smile before drawing in a deep breath.
"Can we meet again in a couple of days to begin sorting through that database."
I swallowed thickly. With the antiviral a go, my days were going to be packed.
"Of course we can, Bella. Of course, we can."
OOOOO
Late that evening, after another successful though much longer meeting with Leann as well as with the rest of our team…and after my coffee meeting with Bella, I finally laid my head on my pillow. I'd have to examine my day in detail. However, before I could begin, my cell phone vibrated. Sighing, I reached for it across the bed, sure it was a work-related text. When I picked it up, a slow, wistful smile spread across my face.
Hi, Edward. I just wanted to thank you again for meeting with me today. I do realize you had no obligation to do so, and I also realize you must be extremely busy with all this flu stuff going around. So, I just wanted to say thanks again.
"God, Bella. God," I murmured as I replied to her text.
Thank YOU, Bella, for reaching out. I'll do all I can to help you sort through your database. All data is yours now, I promise.
She replied a minute later.
Do you realize how we both use
My brow furrowed at that strange message, but another text came through on the heels of that one.
Nvm that. I meant to delete that. Edward, I think this will be good for both of us, give us both some closure.
Closure.
I forced myself to reply despite the finality of that word if it meant finally doing right by her.
If this is what you need to move forward, you can count on me, Bella.
When one minute became five minutes and she didn't text again, I assumed she was done. Setting the phone back on the nightstand, I stared up at the ceiling.
The phone vibrated.
Goodnight, Edward.
Goodnight, Bella.
A/N: Thoughts?
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The fam and I will be on a cruise vacation, sipping mojitos, laying in white sand beaches and swimming the aqua blue waters of the Caribbean for the next two weeks, so I can't promise any updates between now and then. Either way, "see" you relatively soon!