The doors of Admiral Paris's ready room loomed large and Kathryn's hand hesitated over the access panel. Her stomach churned, her instincts telling her she shouldn't be questioning her commanding officer's decisions for the sake of her own curiosity.

Her instincts also told her that something had been very off about the Urtea II mission. She wasn't going to feel right until she got to the bottom of it. Kathryn tapped the chime and was let in.

Paris looked up from his desk console but didn't stand. He gestured for her to take a seat. A guarded expression settled on his face as she took her place in front of him.

"So, Ensign. What's got you so tied up in knots that you had to meet with me before we got home, even though we'll be back in a day?"

Her mouth went dry and it took effort to form the words she knew she had to say. "I've been thinking about our mission on Urtea II. And in light of your recommendation that I consider switching to command, I was hoping you could help me understand why you chose me for that mission."

He considered her for a moment before inclining his head and looking at her pointedly. "In other words, you've spent the last four weeks wondering why I picked you for an intelligence-gathering mission and now you've finally mustered the gumption to ask me why?"

As quick-minded as her old mentor was, it shouldn't have surprised her that he'd figured out the real reason for her visit. She dipped her head in reluctant acknowledgement. "Yes, sir."

A long sigh escaped his lips. "Given what happened, I'd be asking, too." His gaze fell on the table and his hand brushed across the glass as if to sweep away some invisible covering of dust before he looked back up and spoke, voice firm and resolute. "Ensign Janeway, as you're considering command, I'm prepared to give you answers. But I will tell you that I don't expect you're going to like my answers. So stay or go, Kathryn. The choice is up to you."

What was this, Alice in Wonderland? They both knew she was no shrinking violet. She forced the lump in her throat back down where it came from and answered him.

"I can handle it, Admiral."

He nodded somberly. "Federation intelligence said Urtea II was ours. You and I had research to complete. Absent this cold war, I would've taken you to help you build your skills in the field. My strategy was that we would avoid arousing the Cardassians' suspicions by sending scientists to our moon instead of a team of armed soldiers. The job of retrieving the array itself didn't require the Rangers. But when Lieutenant Tighe and I planned this mission, we knew we also had to consider what would happen if the intelligence that said the moon was ours, was wrong."

The bottom dropped out from under her. Justin hadn't just been involved in their rescue—he'd been involved in sending her to the moon in the first place.

He'd lied to her?

There wasn't time to even begin to digest his last comment because Admiral Paris leaned forward, steepling his hands on the desk, words now pouring from his mouth as if in confession. "I wasn't so concerned about what information might be given away by either one of us. The Cardassians don't torture in to gain intelligence. They know it produces unreliable information. No, you've learned, as Justin and I knew—they torture for sport. I was concerned about the fates of any hostages."

To Kathryn, that seemed all the more reason for him to have sent the Rangers. Justin had spoken of entire semesters spent learning to evade, resist, and escape enemy capture. Surely Admiral Paris had taken none of these courses. She herself didn't have that knowledge.

"If you were thinking about what would happen to whomever might be captured," she inquired cautiously, "Why did you go? Why didn't you send the Rangers?"

He gave her a palm-up gesture. His eyes, so distant and glassy since they had been rescued, became even more so. It was clear he didn't want to answer, but he obliged out of some sense of … what? Duty? Guilt? "If I had sent the Rangers and they'd been captured, they would have become mere playthings for the Cardassians to indulge their sadism. An anonymous enlisted officer had no value to them and would be killed outright. I knew the only people who would survive would have to be elite prisoners."

Her eyebrows rose and her stomach sank. Was Paris suggesting he'd gone precisely because of his rank? And how did that relate to her?

"Elite, sir?"

"Yes. People who the Cardassians might be willing to keep alive in order to trade in a prisoner exchange. I picked the two members of my crew who possessed a quality that might save their lives this way, yet could never be taken from them by force, coercion, or even torture. That quality happened to be my status as an influential member of Starfleet…and your relationship to one."

With each word her eyes opened wider. "Admiral, with all due respect, am I correct in understanding that the primary reason you chose me for that mission wasn't because I was capable of the work…but because I'm my father's daughter?"

His response was firm and unequivocal. "You are an Admiral's daughter. Yes."

She felt gutted. In all her achievements, all her work over the years—in spite of it all, she had still been reduced to nothing more than her last name.

Then she'd nearly died because of it.

Kathryn dug her fingernails into her palms. "Did you have me work exclusively with the Rangers because you knew I was going on this mission?"

Paris looked at her blankly.

"Commander T'Por, Ensign Rhoades, and Lieutenant Ditillo," Kathryn clarified. "I remember seeing them in the woods the night we were recovered. They and Lieutenant Tighe were the only individuals in addition to you at my first briefing on board."

Paris's lips pressed into a firm line.

"Having you work with that team was a compromise I made with Lieutenant Tighe," he answered reluctantly. "He wanted you to be fully informed, asked that I change your security clearance so he could brief you. No matter the Cardassians' rationale for torture, I felt it was still safest for you to know as little as possible. So we only briefed you generally. I suggested that we make a point of introducing you to the Rangers who would come to our aid if we needed it. That way you would be more inclined to trust them."

A tightness filled her chest as the terror of their daring escape flooded her mind as it so often had in the last weeks. Her muscles tensed as they had that night, remembering how desperately she'd struggled against the man who'd pulled her out of her cell. To know that man was her colleague—relief had flooded her veins. At least this particular decision of Admiral Paris's had not been entirely unwise.

"For what it's worth," Paris continued, "Lieutenant Tighe vocally opposed the entire mission from the start. When we started planning nine months ago, he didn't hesitate to tell me I was out of my mind. Using those exact words, in fact. I almost had to write him up for insubordination. It was…quite unlike Justin."

Kathryn tried to imagine the argument and quickly found that she couldn't. What had gone so wrong that Paris would ignore the advice of a respected Starfleet Ranger, or that Justin would outright insult an Admiral?

Paris absentmindedly reached up to touch the place on his neck where the Cardassian device had been implanted. Pain changes a person, Kathryn knew now, and the scars of torture could make it hard to recognize one's self sometimes.

She had her answer.

Kathryn bowed her head, gathering her anger like a garment she'd shed, packing it away to take with her. "Thank you for your honesty, sir."

Paris swallowed hard.

"That's not all, Ensign." He straightened in his seat and tugged his tunic into place. He reached into a desk drawer to pull out a PADD. He slid the object across the table to her. "We'd been planning on waiting until you finished debriefing, but in light of this conversation, I think it's more important that you have a chance to ask any questions you have." She felt her stomach tighten.

Hesitantly she reached for the device and began to scroll through it.

"Promotion to Lieutenant…Thank you, sir." This was wonderful, but Kathryn couldn't muster the strength to sound excited. It was hard to focus through the thick cloud of betrayal that hung between her and the man in front of her.

Paris's face remained unreadable. "Don't thank me yet. Keep reading."

Her eyes fell back on the PADD.

"Clearance level, top secret. Duty station, Starfleet Command, in the…" She read the next words and her head snapped up in confusion. "Signals Intelligence Division? I'm sorry, sir, is this the correct set of orders?"

He nodded. "Yes. You'll be doing much the same thing you did this year — developing sensor array modifications and processing data from our arrays. The difference is your research will be used for intelligence-gathering missions, Kathryn. You'll be on the team that provides all of our special operations divisions with much-needed information for planning their missions. That includes the Rangers."

Now she saw the connection, her mouth falling open before she could hide the horror on her face. "Was I being evaluated for this posting when you placed me with the Rangers at the start of this mission?"

Paris sighed. "No. Starfleet Command felt you displayed an exceptional comportment with the Rangers. Culture fit is very important and it's hard to find. The staffing teams thought you would be an excellent partner for them and the special operations divisions on the research and development side. You'll stay an enlisted science officer."

In name only, she thought bitterly. The career as an explorer that she'd spent years building—indeed, that Admiral Paris himself had helped her build—was now being yanked out from under her. Kathryn fought to keep her balance.

"Will I have ship duty?" she asked, clinging to this possibility like a shipwreck victim holds on to a life ring.

The Admiral shook his head. "I'm sorry, Kathryn. For your safety, they'll be keeping you planetside."

The life ring slipped from her fingers.

"For how long?" she asked, fighting to keep the desperation out of her voice.

"This posting is indefinite. Until the conflict with the Cardassians is resolved, this is where Starfleet Command feels it needs you. But there are plenty of advancement opportunities. And you'll get your own lab after a year. You'll be a full commander in five years. I know it's not what you envisioned, Kathryn. But when this ends, you'll be very well positioned to have any scientific career you want."

For once she didn't care about her career decades down the road. What she wanted now was gone.

"Permission to speak freely, sir?"

"Granted."

"Was this why you suggested command to me? To give me another option?" She searched his face, hoping the answer wouldn't be another disappointment.

"No," he responded, and she breathed a small sigh of relief. "I've been thinking along those lines for years. After hearing what you did for Lieutenant Tighe, I thought it was time to offer my letter of recommendation if you wanted it." He reached a hand towards hers but stopped before touching her fingers. "You've spent years studying nothing but compact halo objects. If I had realized that trying to protect you was going to halt that career right after you got it off the ground, I never would've done this. And that you suffered what our captors did to you...I'm terribly sorry, Kathryn. I'll keep trying to get you back to ship duty, at the very least. I promise."

The lump in her throat threatened speech. She managed a weak, "Thank you, sir."

He stood and extended his hand, indicating that he would see her out. She rose as well and they walked towards the door. The walk felt like a funeral procession; her scientific career as she knew it was dead on arrival. She didn't want to see him again for a long time.

Kathryn paused at the aperture. "He wouldn't have done it, you know."

Paris inclined his head inquisitively. "I'm sorry, Kathryn, I don't follow."

"My father," she explained. "He wouldn't have allowed Starfleet to give into our captors' demands in order to save his daughter. He's Starfleet to the core. My father would've let me die."

The Admiral straightened. "You know that. I know that. But I didn't think the Cardassians would."

With a tap on the keypad, he dismissed her from his office.

#

Kathryn's body hit the holographic floor with a thud. The impact burned mightily in her right hip and she was grateful for the painful distraction. She got back up and positioned her feet again.

"Computer, replay music, time index 2:30." She bent her knees into a gentle plie before rising on pointe. The muscles in her ankles were weak after weeks of not dancing. Her calves burned fiercely, her toes screaming under the unaccustomed pressure. It hurt, but somehow less than Admiral Paris's revelation. Kathryn wasn't sure what pained her more: that he had factored her 'Admiral's daughter' status into a decision, that her career in exploratory research was over—

Or that Justin had not only known about her mission all along, but also helped plan it? Memory upon memory of their work together filled her thoughts: every brush-off, criticism and callous comment. There had been plenty.

Now she wondered: Had those comments been off-handed, or intentional? Justin had claimed he'd pushed her away because he'd been 'too attracted to her.' It had struck her as absolutely ridiculous at the time, but she'd given him a pass because he'd tried to apologize.

Trying to take her mind off burning feelings of betrayal and instead focusing on the burning in her legs, she lifted her foot to step into a turn—

And fell again. She cried out, not noticing the holodeck doors hissing open as she hit the floor.

"Kathryn — what happened?"

Her head snapped up at the sound of Justin's voice. Kathryn didn't want to see him, but kicking him out was only going to delay the inevitable argument. Best to get it over with.

"I'm standing on my toes, Justin. I fell. It happens." She kneeled and made to stand up, but he joined her on the floor.

"Sit," he commanded. "We have to talk."

"Oh, really," she challenged. She wondered idly if the Admiral had betrayed yet another trust between them and told Justin about their conversation.

Sitting in his gold uniform directly across from her, legs crossed, he looked straight at her. "I haven't been candid with you. But it's not because I haven't wanted to be. Admiral Paris gave me permission to talk to you. I can be open and honest about this now."

So her mentor had betrayed another trust. Her anger rose still higher, like floodwaters approaching the edge of a dam. When was this going to be too much? She shifted on the floor and mirrored Justin's stance, crossing her legs and resting her hands on the thin skirt draped across her thighs. "Then I'll start. Before you even met me, you knew he was taking me on that mission. You knew why he was taking me."

"Yes."

The truth hurt, but at least she was finally hearing it. She plowed on. "He told me you fought him about taking me on that mission. Said he nearly had to write you up for insubordination about it."

"Yes."

"And you were under orders to stay quiet about it, I gather," Kathryn postulated.

"That too."

Well, at least that was good news. He hadn't been keeping the information from her by choice.

Justin inclined his head, his dark blue eyes holding her gaze with earnest. "I meant it when I called you 'Starfleet royalty.' I knew you were serving in body and blood. I wanted to tell you. I couldn't."

The lilting piano melody came to a halt. "Then tell me this," she demanded, her voice now echoing through the studio. "The first day we worked together, you were tough on me but I thought I'd gotten through to you. But then you stonewalled me until my rescue. It wasn't just because you had a thing for me, was it? It had something to do with that mission, didn't it?"

He looked at the floor before answering her, then speaking quietly as if embarrassed. "Rangers spend a lot of time learning to control our emotions. But it's easier to just never have emotions that need to be controlled. Too much attachment is dangerous. I reacted to you from the moment I laid eyes on you. I couldn't let you close to me."

During her meeting with Admiral Paris, Kathryn hadn't had the luxury of raising her voice, but now she was perfectly content to bellow as she dug into her argument.

"You mean you couldn't let you be close to me. There's a huge difference between treating me like a human being and getting close to me. You treated me terribly, Justin, and then blamed it on me being too attractive to you," she scoffed, her nostrils flaring. "I gave you a chance to prove you weren't really the obnoxious ass who suffocated my career that I thought you were. And now I find out that you treated me that way intentionally?"

His hands were balled into fists. "If you thought someone might be getting sent to slaughter and you couldn't do anything about it, would you let them get anywhere near your emotions?"

Her response was immediate and emphatic. "Yes! It's better to have loved and lost-"

"Try it." In his stern eyes, his set jaw, she knew he'd lost people he'd loved and it had cost him dearly, and she shrank back. "Listen. You were focused on your career. My mission was to make sure you lived to have a career. At that point in time, with the information I had, I thought pushing you away was the best way to make sure that would happen."

She was torn between her sympathy that he'd tried to protect himself-and her-for the sake of his duty, and still feeling furious at the way he'd gone about it. "It's bad enough that you couldn't be a professional about your emotions. That doesn't get you off the hook for the fact that you made your inability to control those emotions into my fault."

He guffawed. "Seriously, Kathryn? What part of admitting that for the first time in my life I wasn't strong enough to keep my head on straight around a woman is your fault?"

"The part where you wouldn't let me do my job because of it."

He crossed his arms. "Do you want me to tell you about what would've happened if I hadn't pushed you away like I did? Let's go back to that first day, shall we? You blushed like a Rainier cherry when you saw me, but I just about fell over when I laid eyes on you. I'd never felt anything like that before. That terrified me, Kathryn. That kind of mental lapse kills in my line of work. So I did everything I could to make you want nothing to do with me. I preferred you to hate me but come out alive than for you to like me but come back dead.

"And look what happened? My emotions did get in the way and we nearly got killed. If I had been thinking with my head and not my damned heart, I never would've broken my ankle, you never would've had to drag us into that swamp, and you wouldn't have had to charge a Cardassian trooper and a Toskanar dog. We would've just been out of there."

She blinked. "You say being in love with me nearly got us killed? You also said you lit a fire under yourself to get me out in the first place because you were in love with me." He glared back at her. "Or was that a false pretense of our relationship, too?"

He shook his head forcefully. "That was true. I really did get us there that fast because I was terrified of what they were doing to you. Commander T'Por will tell you. I was 'exceptionally motivated.'"

She relaxed slightly, but he wasn't off the hook just yet. "Let's not forget that you also blamed the way you treated me on your upbringing. You claimed you weren't used to working with others. You're a damned Ranger. You've spent the last few weeks explaining to me how 'the team' is everything. You lied to me, Justin."

His eyebrows rose. "Lab work in groups? I'd rather run a marathon every day, Kathryn. Nobody can keep up with me. I am hard to get along with outside of special ops. Darren's known me for a decade—ask him. I haven't been open with you but I did not lie to you about that."

She threw her hands in the air. "How exactly am I supposed to trust that our relationship isn't based on secrets, going forward?"

"Because you won't be in my chain of command. Your life won't be in my hands."

She dropped her chin and lowered her voice. "That's not what I'm being told."

A look of dismay crossed his face. "What are you saying?"

Her words were vitriolic and she spat them at him like weapons. "Oh, didn't Admiral Paris tell you that, too? They've got new orders ready and waiting for me, as soon as I can get through debriefing. As it turns out, I did such a fantastic job of getting along with the Rangers this year that they want me to keep working with the team."

One of her hands found her hip while she momentarily rubbed her forehead with the other.

"If I don't switch to command, I will be a science officer, assigned to the signals intelligence division," she continued. "If you stay with the Rangers, you'll be my peer. Though, not my supervisor again, I would imagine."

Justin stared at her, shocked and unblinking. "They're putting you where?" By his tone she could tell he knew exactly where she was going to be put. It was really more a question of why.

"Yes, Admiral Paris's efforts to keep me safe by surrounding me with Rangers evidently demonstrated…oh, what was it the orders said?" She looked up at the corner of the ceiling and frowned. "'An uncommon aptitude and experience for collaborative work within the special forces culture.' Evidently you all can be a little trying to work with, for most researchers."

She could see one corner of his lips twitch up just the slightest, then go right back to where it started.

"It's not a combat position, is it?" Justin asked, a hint of worry in his voice.

Kathryn shook her head.

"It's not a shipboard position at all," she explained. "I'm at headquarters for the foreseeable future. Whoever makes these orders has clearly learned their lesson that Rangers are the only ones who should be fiddling with anything on the Cardassian front lawn."

Others might have laughed at that comment, but Justin didn't move a muscle.

Kathryn wiped her face with her hand.

"My scientific career as I know it is over, Justin. I poured years into making myself a researcher. Then I find out that the man who helped me build that career is the one who accidentally laid the groundwork for Starfleet to end it. And now if I don't choose command, my only choice is espionage." She looked at him skeptically. "Now that I can get honest answers out of you, maybe I should ask this one once more. Why have you been interested in getting me to pursue command? Why really?"

He held her gaze. "The answer is the same it's always been. Do you really think I've been lying to you all this time about that, too?"

She clenched and unclenched her fists, finally turning her hands palms-up. "I don't know what to think anymore."

A long sigh escaped her lips and her gaze fell to her hands, now folded in her lap. This was a mess. Between the revelations from Admiral Paris and Justin, along with everything she'd endured on Urtea II, she was at a breaking point.

Kathryn looked back at Justin and spoke quietly. "I do know that between you and Admiral Paris today, I've had rather enough disappointment for quite a while."

His body stilled imperceptibly. This was a man who had made crisis response into a career, she remembered, and he spoke to her with a tense tranquility that reflected it. "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying, I'm going home. I'll stay with my family when I'm not in debriefing. I'll reach out to you when I'm ready to talk."

For a few moments the only sound between them was their breathing. His face was emotionless as it so often was and it infuriated her. Kathryn wanted him to feel something—anything.

"I wanted us to talk about my next posting. I don't want to make that choice without you," he offered.

She stood. "Why not? You've made every other decision without thinking of me."
Looking down at him, she could see anger flare in his eyes for the first time.

Justin stood, looking down at her once again. "Kathryn, give me a fair chance here."

"I will," she answered. "In a few weeks, when I've thought this all through. I'll be in touch."

In an about-face, she abruptly turned away from him and walked to the barre. He called out after her.

"Kathryn—"

She looked up in the mirrors that lined the walls and saw and him, still standing in the center of the studio, looking back at her. For a brief moment she thought she could see a sea of emotions in his eyes: confusion, fear, sadness, even grief. Kathryn turned to look at him, only to watch the emotional curtain descended once more on their show of wills. The quiet façade of the soldier she knew settled on his face once more.

"I'll see you when you're ready," he finished quietly. "Safe journey."

She nodded. "You too."

Without a glance back at him, she took hold of the barre, ordered the computer to resume the music, and rose up on to her toes again.

Author's notes:

Janeway's new orders and her role with the Rangers take inspiration from the real-life duties of U.S. Navy cryptographer Senior Chief Petty Officer Shannon Kent, one of the first women to serve alongside the traditionally all-male Navy SEALs. She was killed in action in 2019 and this chapter is dedicated to her. If you have a minute, I encourage you to read about google Shannon Kent and read about her remarkable life.

The title of this chapter is a lyric from the song, How to Save a Life, by The Fray.