Chapter 3: Accidents Happen

The café was adorable. The walls were covered in little fortune cookie platitudes in a multitude of different languages, several of which Tifa recognized, and several that she was pretty sure weren't even real. The floor was populated with tiny little two-person tables, each with exactly two chairs. When she had asked if she could move the chairs at the next table over, the proprietor had looked at her as if she'd said something offensive that couldn't be dignified with a response. Yuffie didn't bother asking. She just shoved over the cute little table and chairs with a loud scrape, then settled the stroller in their place.

Normally, Tifa would have appreciated the attention to detail and the ambiance the owner had so lovingly created, but right then she only had eyes for the little girl in the stroller. She cooed and googled to the baby, tickling under her chin with her finger, only satisfied once she had triggered Lonnie's gleeful laughter. Her companion sighed loudly. "Gods, Teef, are you ever going to talk to me again, or should I come back when she's two?"

Tifa pulled her hand back and looked across the little table at her best friend. "Sorry, Yuffie," she said immediately. "You know I get a little lost when Lonnie's talking to me."

Yuffie waved away her apology and broke a dainty little cookie over the tablecloth, completely missing the plate with the shower of crumbs. "It's ok. You'll get used to coming second once you have one of your own," she said, shoving half of the cookie in her mouth. If she was aware of the death glare she was getting from the portly lady behind the register, she didn't care. Actually, knowing Yuffie, it was more likely that she was well aware and really enjoying finding the woman's triggers.

"Maybe you shouldn't—" Tifa started, but Yuffie spoke again, spraying the table with more crumbs.

"When are you going to have one of your own?"

Tifa deflated like a balloon that had lost its helium. She slumped onto her elbows on the table. "Maybe never. Cloud…doesn't want one."

"So what?" Yuffie said airily. "It's your body that has to carry it."

Tifa gave her an exasperated look. "But he would still have to parent the kid. Besides, I kind of need his…contribution…" Her face pinked slightly.

"You mean to tell me you guys aren't having sex anymore?" Yuffie asked, far too loudly for Tifa's taste. "Past the bunny-rabbit honeymoon phase finally?"

Tifa ducked her head. "Jeez, Yuf, do you have to announce it to the whole shop?" She cast furtive glances to both sides, relieved that the few other patrons didn't seem to be interested in their conversation. "Anyway, that's not what I'm saying. We are. But he'll never agree to it. You should've seen his face last night. He was pissed that I even brought it up!"

Yuffie rolled her eyes. "Look, all men want babies. It's a natural instinct to want to reproduce. It's just these overdeveloped brains that have to think about stuff logically. But trust me, Teef, once he sees those ten little fingers and ten little toes, he'll be in love."

Tifa sighed. "Except he's never going to see ten little fingers and ten little toes, because we'll never get that far."

Yuffie sighed and rubbed her face. "Ok, listen, Teef. I'm going to let you in on a little secret that has been helping women achieve their goals for hundreds of years." She leaned forward, finally lowering her voice. "Accidents happen." When Tifa showed no sign of understanding, Yuffie rolled her eyes. "Fine, let me spell it out for you. Step one: get one of your sewing needles. Step two: find his condom stash. Step three: poke the needle through the wrapper a bunch of times." She grinned triumphantly. "He won't even notice! Even Cloudy's gotta be a little distracted in the heat of the moment, right? I mean, mako vision or not, does he even really look at it when he's hard and ready?"

Tifa's face felt hot. They were getting a little too close to discussing the actual deed. "Yuffie! Can we not talk about this here?"

"I don't know why you're so embarrassed about this. Everybody does it. Even animals. Even the wrinkly old bag behind the register!"

Tifa glanced at the woman behind the register, who was still watching them with a side-eye. "Ok, fine, but can you at least lower your voice? I don't need everyone to know about my problems."

"What problem?" Yuffie scoffed, but at least she had turned down the volume. "I've just told you how to solve your problem."

"Ok, well, whatever. It really doesn't matter, because we don't use them."

"You don't…" Yuffie sat up straight. "Birth control? You mean you use birth control?"

Tifa winced. "Yes, would you please keep it down?"

"But that's even easier!" Yuffie cried. "I can't believe I even have to tell you this. Just. Stop. Taking. Them."

"That's not…" Tifa sighed. "Yuffie, that's not how mature relationships work."

She shrugged. "What? Manipulation? Trickery? We'll have to agree to disagree."

"You mean to tell me that you had all those kids without Maury agreeing to it?"

"Gawd, no. I had to use it way before that."

Tifa raised her eyebrows, intrigued, but not terribly surprised by anything Yuffie did anymore.

Yuffie swirled the tea around in her cup, creating a whirlpool of dark liquid and tea leaves. "Maury was terrified of my father, and, well, you know Godo. No one was good enough for his little princess except some stuffed-shirt royalty. I swear Maury was all set to marry me. Why else would he insist on meeting my father?" Tifa could think of several alternate reasons, but kept her opinion to herself.

"Well, I'm sure you can guess how that turned out. I tried to tell Maury that's just the way Daddy is. Kicking the crap out of someone is his way of showing affection! But Maury wouldn't buy it. He wanted to break it off." She crumbled the remainder of her cookie in her fist. Her plate caught a few, but most of the crumbs fell around the outside.

"So, surprise! Yuffie's pregnant." She laughed wickedly. "Of course an unwed, knocked-up princess is even more of a dishonor than marrying a commoner. That's the key, see? I made him choose between what I wanted and something that made him look even worse!" She sat up taller and imitated Godo's booming voice. "Why must you always bring shame on this family name?" She shrugged and took a sip of her tea, returning to her normal voice. "After I dropped the bomb, Daddy practically forced Maury to marry me. I'm pretty sure he convinced the whole town that Maury was the prince of some tiny, obscure country."

Tifa stared at her best friend. Now that she thought about it, the wedding did seem very rushed. "Are you telling me that you…you tricked Maury into marrying you?"

Yuffie shrugged. "What's the big deal? It all worked out in the end, right? I knew he was the one. Fate just needed a little nudge."

Tifa sat back, re-evaluating everything she thought she knew about her closest friends. "But…but Jacky wasn't born until you'd been married for…" She redid the math in her head, just to make sure. "…over a year!"

"Yeah, well. Sometimes, babies don't make it," Yuffie said blithely.

Tifa sucked in a sharp breath. "Oh, Yuffie. I didn't know. I'm so sorry."

Yuffie rolled her eyes. "It wasn't a real baby, you dork. Maury's little guys must not be very good swimmers, because I poked a lot of holes."

"You…lied about being pregnant, too?"

"Well I mean it's obviously not ideal. Ideally you'd want to be actually pregnant before you tell him, just in case it doesn't work out, but…" Yuffie shrugged. "Fate forced my hand."

"Yuffie that's…" Tifa shook her head. "I can't even…"

Yuffie's eyes flashed. "Judge me all you want, Tifa. No one's ever dictated your life…what you wear…where you go…when you sleep…who you can see. You have no idea what it's like." Her haughty expression dropped, and she crossed her arms over her chest protectively. "Why do you think a sixteen-year-old would run off with a group of strangers who wandered into her forest?"

Tifa softened. Sometimes she forgot there was a vulnerable young woman underneath all the posturing. "Well, personally, I just thought you were a bratty kid trying to get back at her dad," she said, smiling gently.

Yuffie laughed, her sassy shield back in place. "Well, yeah, of course. The point is, I've figured out how to deal with stubborn men. If you can't win face-to-face, sometimes you've gotta do a sneak attack from the side."

"Are you ladies done?" The old woman from the register hovered over their table. "I need this table."

"Oh, um, I guess so," Tifa said, looking around at the nearly empty shop.

Yuffie looked up, the fire back in her eyes. "We'll leave when we're good and ready, lady," she snapped, then looked over at Tifa, who already had her money out.

Tifa smiled apologetically. "I really need to get home anyway," she said.

Yuffie sighed, pulling a large bill from her purse and shoving it toward the woman. "Don't be stupid, Teef," she said. "It's my treat."

It was really the only way she knew how to be nice, and Tifa didn't take offense. Yuffie glared back up at the woman. "We're only leaving because we want to." As she stood up with a huff and worked the stroller out of its tight space, knocking several tables and chairs askew, Tifa dropped a few more gil on the table and smiled at the woman apologetically. Yuffie was a great friend, but she didn't give a damn what people thought of her. She had a tendency to chafe the uninitiated.

Tifa joined her outside the shop, where the warmth of the early afternoon sun soothed her chilled skin. Yuffie stretched her arms over her head and yawned widely. "Well, I suppose I should get home, too. Maury's probably had enough poon-tang to last him a while, but I don't really trust him alone with the nanny."

Tifa chuckled. Yuffie's nanny, Nessa, was a formidable old nurse who had spent her younger years chasing the rambunctious princess herself. She'd never managed to tame the wild girl, but she was the closest thing to a mother Yuffie knew, and despite the ninja's constant jabs at the old woman, she was the only one Yuffie would trust with her children.

"So, you gonna do it? Take charge of your own destiny? Be master of your domain? Show Cloud who wears the pants in that place?"

Tifa rolled her eyes sideways to look at her friend. "You know, I think I'll try talking to him first. I fell asleep between the E-boys last night, and he was gone when I woke up this morning, but he can't avoid me forever."

"All right, well, good luck with that. But when he shuts you down, just remember what I said – sneak attack. You'll thank me later."

Tifa wasn't even listening anymore. She was having an animated conversation with Lonnie in the stroller, sneaking one last kiss before heading off in the direction of Seventh Heaven.

"Uh…bye!" Yuffie called after her. Tifa didn't seem to hear her. Yuffie huffed and turned the stroller in the opposite direction. "Come on, ya little friend stealer. You know your days are numbered now, right? As soon as she pops out a little spiky-headed angel, you won't be the cutest thing in the room anymore. Then you'll know what it feels like to be second best."

Lonnie burbled and gleefully shoved a foot in her mouth.