In the days, or months, or even years that followed, Negan wouldn't recall how he made it down the stairs that night, with an unconscious Blake held in his leather-clad arms.

He wouldn't recall the stares he received from passing workers who stood back for him to pass as he streaked down the lengthy Sanctuary corridors, finally reaching the hallway on the first floor where the medical room was.

Nor did he recall first seeing Simon stood there, hands on hips, talking to Frankie outside said room, with medicine for Mia.

He would remember none of that.

All the tall, dark-haired man would remembered was the sound of his own blood rushing in his ears. The sound of his shallow breaths and the sight of her lying there, blood soaked through her jeans, leaving him with a wet streak of red across his otherwise clean white t-shirt.

The voices of a stunned looking Simon and Frankie echoed somewhere in the distance, but Negan could barely hear them now...his dark eyes angry and hurting as Carson quickly emerged from the doorway at the commotion outside.

And Negan didn't even have to say a word, before the strawberry blonde doctor swept Blake from Negan's strong arms carrying her quickly inside and beckoning Frankie to follow him.

But when Negan tried to go inside too, he was stopped by a yell from Carson, and Frankie closing the door hastily in his face.

And as the world started to resume its normal pace again, and Negan realised what was happening, he felt Simon's thick arms begin to ease him away.

"Come on, Boss, it's for the best, Carson knows what he's doing…" he heard his loyal right-hand man mutter into his ear.

But Negan, his eyes searching the now closed door, felt a sudden rage swell within him.

He twisted around, and threw Simon's arm from his shoulder.

"Get your damn hands off me Simon!" he roared, but the mustachioed man barely flinched, just letting out a heavy sigh at Negan's outburst.

Shit.

Shit.

The leader of the Saviours gave a hard gulp, bringing his hands up to his face, his heart pounding inside his chest…

...even when he closed his eyes all he could seem to see was her...lying there….in that ever widening pool of blood….

Negan scrunched his eyes tightly shut, willig the memory of that sight to fade.

But it didn't.

He could panic rising within him now.

Shit. If something happened to her, Negan didn't know what he would do…

How could he go on?

Thoughts and fears swirled inside him.

He was tired, exhausted, strained….

What the fuck was he going to do?

Negan began to pace that gloomy hallway, as Simon stood there beside him obediently, unmoving...not saying a word.

Hours slid by…

One after the other.

Negan could feel the passing of time ticking away inside him as he waited and waited and waited.

And unlike the moments he would not be able to recall, this would be a memory that would stick with him...

The waiting. The not-knowing..

A few times he had fought the urge to burst inside the room.

But he had stopped himself before he had reached the door handle, his fingers trembling.

Here he was, more vulnerable that he had ever been, standing there in just a white shirt and jeans…

... no boots, no Lucille….no hope.

It must have been at least two long hours later, as Negan stood there, eyes squeezed shut, leaning against the wall behind him, his head resting against the unsmooth surface of the concrete….

...that the two men finally heard the twisting of the door handle a few feet away from them

Negan snapped open his eyes, his heart hammering inside him.

Maybe it was her….maybe she was fine...

But the door creaked open only to reveal Frankie emerging from the room, staring straight ahead, but her eyes were unfocused, staring...

The leader of the Saviours pushed himself from the wall and gazed at her desperately..

But the red-head did not look back at him….and it was then and only then did Negan take her in….

….the blood on her shirt…

...the flecks of blood on her wrists….

….her tear-stained cheeks….

Negan opened his mouth to question her, but she just walked right by him, purposefully avoiding his eye.

Negan felt his lip tremble in anger.

"Frankie-" he yelled after her angrily, making to follow her, but yet again Simon stopped him in his tracks.

"Boss-" he tried.

But Negan's shoulders were tensed and his jaw clenched tightly together.

He couldn't take anymore of this shit?

Why the fuck had they been in there so long, huh?

What the fuck had happened?

But before he could give his second in command abuse for stopping him, the door behind them creaked open once more.

Negan swung around hurriedly, only to see Carson step out.

The middle-aged doctor looked frazzled and exhausted, and just like Frankie, Negan could instantly see that his front was covered in blood.

But unlike the red-head, Carson's eyes did meet with Negan's chocolate ones.

And in them, Negan knew what the doctor was about to say before he could even say it, his heart immediately shattering…..breaking in two.

"Negan…" the doctor said in a soft tone, his voice wavering a little as he spoke. "...Blake…..well…."

He wavered for a long moment, letting out a difficult sigh.

Relations had ever been greta between him and Negan, but right now it was if all that was forgotten.

"I'm so sorry….." Carson continued in a sorrowful voice, shaking his head and tearing his eyes away. "Blake….s-she lost the baby."

It was then that, with a hard crash, Negan felt like his entire world had fallen apart around him.

It was like he was floating now...miles from earth...in some distant space.

He felt numb.

Unable to feel anything, as the sorry-looking doctor spoke again.

"Blake's ok…..s-she's as comfortable as she can be….she's resting…" he explained. But to Negan, his words seemed far away. "B-But losing a child….i-it's tough on anyone and a trauma like that…..well, y-you need to give her time…."

Negan stared at Carson now, shaking his head, but despite opening his mouth he found he couldn't speak.

He felt Simon's strong hand clamp down onto his shoulder now, in a gesture resembling comfort. But still Negan felt nothing…

...just nothing….an aching emptiness.

But one thing...one thought brought him back down to earth, brought him back to the here and now.

"She's ok though…." he finally managed to huff out in a low voice, his voice shakier that he thought it would be.

But he noticed Carson give a small gulp, running a hand over his ruffled hair.

"Like I said…..Blake's gone through a trauma...losing a baby….i-it affects people in different ways-" he began.

But Negan cut across him before he could finish.

A hurt flooding his body.

Someone was responsible for all this. Someone did this to her.

"This because of that bullet?" he growled in a dark voice, a pain stabbing at his heart.

But the doctor just shook his head.

"No," he uttered simply.. "Sometimes these things...well, they just happen. It's no ones fault. She was healthy, she didn't do anything wrong. Some women just have difficulty in carrying a baby to term-"

"She's lost two already...before now…" Negan said before he could stop himself, dropping his eyes to the floor as his gaze flitted this way and that. His hands were shaking now and he felt like crying.

Shit. Was he already crying?

He didn't even know.

Fuck. None of this was her fucking fault. Hell, perhaps they had been fucking stupid for even trying.

Carson semed to ponder Negan's stark words for a long moment.

"I wasn't aware of that…" he said quietly, but did not push any further.

The corridor filled with a thick sort of silence that overwhelmed Negan, shifting his eyes up to the door at Carson's back.

She was in there now...alone and grieving...

And Negan knew that he didn't want her to go through that alone. Not now.

But was he gonna say?

Shit. He didn't know if he could do this.

How the fuck was he supposed to be strong?

He didn't feel like a leader now? Far from it.

In fact he felt just like he had back in that hospital room at Lucille's bedside.

He didn't have the words.

He wasn't fucking man enough for this shit.

"Can I see her?" he asked, knowing that he should.

It wasn't often Negan asked permission for anything, but here, right now Negan felt just like he did with the doctors that took care of Lucille.

He was out of his depth...floundering…

But Carson's sad eyes met with his his again.

"Negan….you've got to understand that Blake….losing a baby...losing three...some people find it hard to cope with that loss…"

Negan felt his hardened jaw begin to tremble.

"...you need to give her time, ok?" finished Carson, running his hand through his unkempt hair again, before heading into the room next door without another words…..and leaving the door behind him slightly ajar.

Negan paused, trying to take everything in.

Everything Carson had just said.

He wanted to shake himself. To run away.

Perhaps this was just a nightmare.

Would he hear Blake's screams now...or see Mia emerging dead from those bushes?

As frightening as those things were, they were just bad dreams and he knew that eventually he would wake up from them.

But this? This couldn't be real.

Their baby was gone? Just like that?

This couldn't be real, it just couldn't be.

Things like this didn't just….happen.

Carson was wrong.

There had to be someone to blame for this.

Negan needed there to be.

But he felt a sudden footstep behind him, at his shoulder and Simon's sudden voice in his ear.

"Boss, whatever you need-"

But Negan just shrugged his hand away, grimacing and taking a step forward, towards the door…

His mouth was dry and his hand began to tremble harder as he reached for the peeling paint of the door, giving the wooden panel a small shove open and walking inside…

The narrow medical room room was dimly lit, with a small orange lamp casting a hazy glow over one side of the room. There was a metal table and three trays with various medical instruments on one side. And a small bed sat on the other side with a rickety looking chair beside it.

It smelled clinical in here with no traces of the masses of blood Negan had seen on Frankie and Carson.

But Negan's eye barely had time to take much of it in as his gaze quickly landed on Blake….

For she was lying there, on the small bed, curled up beneath a white sheet….facing away from him.

In fact she didn't move at all as he approached, despite the sound of the door swinging shut with a gentle thud behind him.

Negan sucked in a breath, blinking his eyes once, then twice and staring up at the ceiling, realising that he already had tear tracks streaked down his stubby cheeks.

How long he had been crying for he wasn't sure.

He reached up, dragging a hand down his wet face, sucking at his teeth before finally pacing over to the bed.

As he approached Blake...the woman he loved, he caught a glimpse of her face, wet with tears, her eyes open, puffy and red, and blinking slowly….staring straight ahead at the blank wall to her left.

But she still did not acknowledge him.

Jesus Christ, Negan wanted to hold her….to comfort her…..

But he gave a frown. More to himself than to her, as he settled himself down into the seat beside Blake's bed.

What the hell was he supposed to say to her?

Was he supposed to tell her what Carson had told him. That things like this, well they just happen?

That it wasn't her fault?

That it wasn't anyone's fucking fault.

Negan sat there staring at the back of Blake's blonde head, letting out a shaky puff of air and staring up at the ceiling as tears flooded freely from his normally steely eyes.

He didn't know how he was going to do this….

All this loss.

All this pain.

He had been through enough. And so had she...

But Negan kept his tears silent. Not wanting Blake to hear him….as the minutes ticked by….

Both of them mourning their loss.

Both of them hurting….

But Negan not knowing how to say anything to her now..

And so, as salty tears littered Blake's pillows and Negan's cheeks, there they stayed, in silence…

...as the night passed through and the sound of birds tolled the oncoming sunny morning.

But for the two of them, there would be no sun...no light today…

….only darkness.

And that never-ending sense of loss that came with losing a child they would never get the chance to know.

Thanks to Guest, BlueBloodsSVUOrder, MissIndependent101, Brookeworm3, CLTex, LJH, Guest, kaylee00, angelvoice15, NJ, Lucy, Green, Cinderelly- 1999, Nicole and Guest for commenting on the last chapter.

I am so very sorry. That was so tough for me to write. I have no words :(

This fic has been planned out for a long long time. So this was not a rushed decision by any means. I just want this to be about real lives. And a real woman.

Thank you for reading.