Almost an hour Negan stayed in that shower, feeling his tears and his anger ebbing away with every droplet of water that got washed down the drain.
He hoped of course that his men would know by now, to stand down...that they would know that he had no intention of going anywhere. Not today at least. Not now.
He was done with acting rash. Acting like an asshole for his own ends or his own sheer anger and frustrations.
For Negan knew now that his priority needed to be to bring Blake back from wherever horrible place she was at.
Shit. He could feel her slipping further and further away from him with each moment that passed and knew that this couldn't not go on much longer.
She wasn't eating, he doubted she was sleeping either, falling into the clouded abyss it feared him to think she might not be able to climb out of without help.
And so, drying himself hastily with a towel, Negan had walked to his closet and tugged open its doors.
But his long and tanned figures hovered there for a moment in mid-air, drifting over the material of Blake's shirts and pants tucked neatly in between his own clothes. Realising now, just how much of a loss there was here in his life, without her.
She was the thing that kept him from that hell, that black hole he had been falling into for the past few years since Lucille's death.
He needed her.
And he hoped, that somewhere, she needed him too.
Pulling out a fresh t-shirt and clean pair of grey pants, Negan pulled them on over his tired bones.
He needed sleep, he knew that, but that could wait.
All he wanted now was to be back downstairs with Blake.
He had shed his tears for the baby that had never been born...and he hoped that soon, she would too.
Then they could mourn their loss together. Grieve together. Heal together.
Fuck, Negan needed her.
He ran a hand over his tired eyes and down his stubbly chin.
His beard had certainly grown in length over the last few days and he reminded himself that he would need to shave soon. But that, like his bed, could wait.
He heaved on his boots, and shrugged his black jacket back onto his shoulders before heading, once more, for the door.
But he paused once again, one gloved hand on the door handle, the other hovering over Lucille, sitting on the side-table, waiting for him. But Negan peeled his fingers back and dropped his digits to his side once more, before exiting the room, leaving the barbed wire-covered bat behind.
He traipsed down the hallway, a yellow light blinking over his head as he went, and made for the staircase, feeling a sort-of relief wash over him at the loss of his trusted weapon now.
For he knew he didn't need her. Not now. Not today. For this was not the time for anger or cracking skulls. This was a time for something else completely...
But the tall, dark-haired man, had only made it down one flight of stairs before he stopped suddenly, frowning at a familiar noise that seemed to be drifting its way down the lengthy, and otherwise silent, hallway.
Negan parted his lips, hand on the railing as he turned his head to stare down the long corridor that led only to one place.
And before he could stop himself, as if ushered by some invisible force, he took a couple of steps slowly towards the sound, heading away from the stairs..away from Blake...and walking down the gloomy corridor instead.
Negan's face was set, passing an endless stream of empty rooms as he went.
He had kept this hallway empty, always having presumed it to be too much temptation otherwise if any of his men were housed here. But now he realised that this place, the Sanctuary, had barrels of unused space. Good space that a selfish Negan had never wanted to fill.
And why? Vantinty? Pride? Fear of not being revered wholeheartedly?
Probably all of those things.
But having Blake made him now see everything differently.
It was as if a blindfold had been lifted from his eyes and everything was clear.
A future they could have in this place.
Negan's long legs moved instantly towards the sound, and before he knew it, he had reached a familiar door he had once got used to seeing on a regular basis, but these days very rarely frequented.
And so, giving the ajar door ahead of him a gentle shove open, he stepped silently into the the large parlour.
The wives' room.
Well, their old room at least. For now, these days, their roles were defunct. But even so he let Frankie, Tanya and Michelle stay here. It was courteous, and as Blake had pointed out to him, this was the only home they knew.
He gazed around, his eyes searching for the source of the noise, before he finally found it…
For there, sitting on one of the low red sofas was a crying Mia, red in the face, being comforted by Frankie who was trying her best to calm her down, rubbing at her tiny back gently.
She looked like she had been crying for a long time, face red and blotchy, and her fists scrunched tightly at her sides.
"Noh!" Negan caught her wailing, sobbing hard. "I wann mai Bwakey! I m-mishh mai Bwakey!"
Between each word she let out a hard, chest-wracking sob that caused a lump to appear in Negan's throat.
Tanya and Michelle, who were standing near to the duo, stared suddenly up at Negan, noticing his presence for the first time.
He suddenly felt very self-conscious.
Shit. Could they tell he had been bawling like a fucking abby?
He hoped not.
But even so, he gave a gruff sniff, walking suddenly forwards and avoiding their gazes.
It all the commotion and the heartache and the loss that he and Blake had shared over the past three days, he had forgotten totally and utterly about the tiny girl.
He had been so wrapped up in himself and Blake, and what they had lost, he hadn't quite realised what they still had.
And that alone made his heart burst, and for him to feel more grateful now for the tiny girl than ever.
"Now what's all the fuckin' commotion about, pipsqeak?" he said in a loud, carrying voice arching his back with every syllable he spoke.
And almost immediately, as the women swung around to look at him, Mia halted in her tears, giving a sniff, then another and another, calming instantly.
"It Eggy!" she croaked suddenly bouncing up and down in her seat.
And eager to get at him, pouting hard, she clambered up onto her chubby little legs, wobbling unsteadily on the couch cushions.
But the little girl was at no risk of falling today. For within a second, Negan had closed the gap between him and the small girl, grasped her beneath her armpits and hauled her up into his strong arms with a groan.
Immediately the little girl's' sticky hands clasped around the stiff collar of his leather jacket and Negan couldn't help but bump his chin against her temple gently.
The kid had always just come as part and parcel with Blake and obviously the dark-haired man had always been able to see how much she adored the toddler with all her heart. And so, Negan had put up with her, tolerated her presence, or so he had thought...
But now, at this every moment, as Negan stared into her big round and teary eyes, he realised just what he felt about this tiny little girl.
Shit, she was his kid wasn't she?
And hell, he fuckin' loved her like she was his own flesh and blood.
And so Negan, turning away from the women now staring curiously at him, pressed a firm kiss to Mia's little mousy-haired head, tears pricking at his own eyes, as he held her close.
He need her. An' fuck, she needed them.
He pressed another silent kiss to her hairline, as the teeny girl gave a pout, lifting her sticky paw and pushing his stubbly cheek away.
"Noh, Eggy, that tickuls," she whined with a small giggle, easing his face away from hers.
And for the first time in three long days Negan's bearded lips twitched up into the smallest of grins as he gazed down at the toddler, looking so small in his leather-clad arms.
"That tickles, huh?" he said nuzzling his cheek against hers and causing her to let out a happy squeal, her hands clamping around his chin.
"Noh, Eggy, don'!" she cried, totally forgetting her tears as Negan relented a little, pulling back to marvel at her.
Mia was a big part of his life these days and it was only now that Negan realised just how much she had impacted things here at the Sanctuary. Just like Blake had.
Their routines had changed because of her. They had given her an entire room to herself. They had even found themselves sharing a bed with the little girl, which was something Negan had never thought he would allow.
And yet despite his complaints and his frustrations at times, there was no longer any point in denying that he cared for this damn kid as much as he would his own.
"We've had trouble getting her to settle. She hasn't slept well without you...o-or Blake. I think she's missing you both," said Tanya, her voice breaking through the pair's intimate moment, causing Negan to turn his shoulders to face his ex-wives who all stood behind him.
But the dark-haired woman's voice was a stark contrast to the way she had spoken to him a little over an hour ago back down in that hallway.
Shit, did they feel sorry for him? Was that it? Could they see that he had been crying?
But giving a frown, Negan offered them a dark look in response before looking back down to the girl, balanced against his chest.
"You been missin' Peaches?" he asked, his dark eyes roving across her chubby face, as her lips formed into a tiny pout.
She gave a sad little nod.
"Yeah, you an' me both, kid," Negan huffed, readjusting his grip on her and tugging her just a little closer to his firm torso.
He pursed his lips together and glanced back at the women behind him, but didn't say a word.
He knew what they probably thought of him, but right now his focus was not on the sympathy of others.
"Wher' Bwakey, Eggy?" came Mia's quiet little voice, as she pouted again, giving a small sniff.
But Negan could only give a hard internal sigh, allowing a harsh gulp to trail down his bearded throat.
He knew where Blake was physically...but emotionally he hadn't sensed her with him for days.
It was as though she had departed this world, cutting herself off from everyone.
Even him.
But Negan knew he had to change that and without another word to the women all standing meekly behind him, he pressed another lingering kiss to the top of Mia's brown head, mumbling a small- "C'mon, Beansprout, lets go see if we can fuckin' find her," and heading out of the parlour once more.
Mia seemed content with this of course, placing her paw to the back of his collar, twisting herself around to look at the direction he was walking in.
She gave her eyes a little rub with her tiny fist when they reached the staircase once more.
"Wher' Bwakey?" she asked again in a worried sounding voice.
Negan was used to Mia's endless barrage of repeated questions these days. But still, he had no idea how to answer this one.
"Well," he began, pressing his tongue to his lower back molars and letting out a long sigh. "Peaches, ain't been feelin' too great-"
"Peechiz…" Mia mouthed back staring at Negan's bearded lips with an entranced interest as he spoke.
"That's right," said Negan blinking at her as he carried the toddler down the stairs, sliding his gloved hand down the railing as he went. "So we gotta make sure we take good fuckin' care of her, alright?"
Negan know that if their roles were reversed this would be exactly how Blake would handle things.
This was his chance to fucking step up. Handle things like a damn man. Hell, he was stronger than that, an' deep down he knew that Blake was too.
But she needed to find a way out of that abyss that she was sinking into.
And Negan knew, that if he was going to do that, he needed help…
Mia stared at him for a long moment, before finally curling her fingers around the collar of his t-shirt and resting her tiny head just beneath his chin, as they reached the bottom of the long staircase.
Negan turned the corner, passing a couple of young girls who stood back at once, looking a little startled and bowing their heads reverently. But Negan just ignored them.
Long gone were the days of him needing people to kneel for him.
If Blake had taught him anything in the months he had been here, it was that ruling was much more than people being fucking afraid of you. It was about kindness and love and warmth and all the fucking things that she was so fucking good at.
It was as though everything Negan had been lacking in his life, he had found in her.
She was the light to his darkness. And had showed him that the world didn't have to be cold and black anymore.
He let out a long breath of air through his nostrils, as Mia spoke again.
"Eggyyyy. Wen ca' I see Bwakey?" she asked in a quiet voice, peering up at him.
But Negan didn't answer. For just ahead of him he could make out that familiar door...a gut-wrenching feeling overwhelming him.
So much loss and hurt was coursing through him. So much pain.
But Negan knew he needed to be fucking strong. He had to be
And so, reaching for the door handle and giving it a small twist he went inside.
It was mid-afternoon now and the sky had become no-brighter outside as the day had slid on, sending nothing but a cold, grey light cascading over the small medical room.
The tall Saviour's chocolate eyes immediately shifted over to the bed in the corner of the room, so desperately wanting to see her...Blake, sitting up, maybe eating, smiling back at him.
But his stomach lurched heavily when he saw that she hadn't moved since this morning, still lying there, staring at that damn wall, her body curled up beneath that stark, white sheet.
Shit. He realised now how small she looked compared with how she usually did. For Blake was tall, with long legs and long blonde hair, and hell, when she walked into a room everyone knew about it.
But today, if you had had no idea she was here and you walked into this room, you'd certainly miss her.
It was almost as though she had sunk into that bed, disappearing completely into the shadows that filled the cold room.
And for a moment, not even Mia seemed to realise that Blake was here, her big round eyes shifting this way and that as though wondering why Negan had brought her here.
"Peaches…" Negan tried again, his voice far hoarser than it had been a minute or two ago.
But there was still no response.
It was then that Mia finally spotted Blake, giving the tiniest of frowns as though confused as to why the woman she adored wasn't paying her any attention.
"Ish Bwakey schleepin?" she asked tilting her head curiously like a puppy.
She placed a finger to her mouth, staring up at Negan.
But Negan could only gulp, strolling slowly over to the bed, where Blake lay still and unmoving.
He could barely see her face now, covered in her mass of blonde hair.
Shit, why the fuck did he constantly feel like crying?
But he cleared his throat gently, coming to stop at the foot of the bed.
"Darlin' I got someone here who wants to see you," he said in a low voice, suddenly moving his hands so that he could drop Mia down onto the mattress.
The baby girl eased her hand around Negan's forearm, clutching on tightly and testing out the surface of the bed with her teeny sock-covered foot for a second, before she let go, toddling off up the bed to Blake.
"Bwakey, waik up!" she said with urgency in her little voice, clambering over Blake's legs.
But still Blake didn't move.
"Bwakeeey" Mia tried, coming to stop at Blake's shoulder, reaching out and giving it a small poke with her pudgy digits.
But still there was nothing.
"Bwakey," came Mia's bossy voice again, bending down and carefully lifting up a strand of Blake's long caramel hair, pressing her lips to her ear. "Wai you still schleepin'? It day naw."
Yet there came no movement from Blake, disappointment overwhelming Negan. Shit, he had thought that this might've worked.
Mia let out the smallest of moody little huffs as she pulled back from the blonde woman, taking a tiny step back….
But the edge of the bed was obviously closer than Mia had been expecting...
And before Negan could do anything...his heart skipped a beat as he saw the tiny toddler wobble, losing her footing and toppling backwards off the bed.
Shit.
The floor below their feet was pure concrete, and Negan lunged forward, reacting far too slowly, and staring wide eyed in horror as the little girl fell backwards from the mattress.
But before she could go anywhere, there was sudden movement as Blake had reached out and grabbed the tiny girl around the middle, sitting up and pulling her quickly to her chest.
Negan breathed out hard, catching his breath as he watched in amazement, as the blonde woman buried her face in Mia's shoulder, holding her tightly to her.
Negan noticed Mia give a wriggle, before hugging Blake back, patting at her hair with sticky fingers.
And it was then that the toddler said something that neither adult had ever been expecting her to say...
"Mommy wake naw, yea?"
Mia gave another wriggle but didn't look even slightly swayed by what she had just uttered.
Blake slowly pulled back after what felt like an eternity, cupping Mia's cheek lovingly, staring in shock into her eyes with her own responsive green ones that were now welling with tears.
And with that, Negan allowed his lips to part in utter awe, as Blake let out a loud carrying sob, clutching her free hand to her mouth, before nodding hard.
"Yeah, baby girl, Mommy's awake now," she said pressing a kiss to Mia's forehead before hugging her tightly to her once more and closing her eyes tightly, tears slipping down her cheeks. "Mommy's awake."
Ah fluff.
Thank you ElysiumPhoenix, Moonwolf27, MisstelllerOrtizDixon, kaylee00, CLTex, stacey40, Guest, Green, Kisses N' Cyanide, masquerade04, Daryl's Lady, Merle's girl26, Guest, Guest, AsToldByNi, Guest ShadowQueen3304 for reviewing.
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