Negan's thumb drifted over Blake's forearm as he lay with her on their king-size, as the hours passed them by.

His dark head was propped up against their large oak headboard, as Blake lay with her head resting against his chest, his arms tangled around her body.

She hurt all over and over the past few difficult days it was as though every fibre of her body was screaming, yelling at her. Her stomach was cramping, she was bleeding a little, and she still felt as tender and weak as she had done three days ago. Though it was not the physical toll that pained her the most, but the emotional one.

Blake had miscarried twice before. She had lived through it, grieving but still getting on with her life as best she could. And yet now this time, it was almost like, for a moment as though she had lost all hope.

Even now she still felt devastated. Her entire being so desperate for that child she would never get to see walking, talking….doing all the things she had planned for them.

It was an indescribable kind of loss and one that Blake had so far been unable to cope with. So she had cut herself off. Not wanting to talk to anyone, to look at anyone...a hollow feeling filling her from the inside out.

She felt empty, disgusted with herself for being so weak…..so useless.

And there was a guilt there where there hadn't been before. A shame that came with the loss of, not only her own child, but Negan's too.

She had been embarrassed that that had happened to her. Raising horrible questions and worries that no person should ever have to ask themselves-

Would this have happened to another woman Negan had tried to get pregnant?

Was there something wrong with her?

Did this make her any less of a woman?

But here and now these horrible and twisted thoughts were subduing little by little as she sat here with Negan.

For he had sated that shame, that guilt…..promised her that she wasn't the one to blame. And it took that earnest convincing, for her, after days, to finally believe him.

For her to begin to heal again.

And Mia had helped with that too.

Blake loved the tiny girl with all her heart and it had made that heart expand, hearing the baby girl call her Mommy for the first time.

And despite it being a bittersweet thing to hear after the events of the last three days, Blake was still happy.

She shifted against Negan slightly, causing him to give a small, contented huff into her ear.

This was a stark contrast to the moment they had shared here just a few weeks ago upon finding out that Blake was pregnant. And the sorrow that came with those memories would threaten to burn through her were it not for the presence of Negan beside her now.

Fuck. If it were not for his words, she would have run...left this place and all the memories it held for her.

Just as she had done with Alexandria.

Blake had just wanted to get out, unable to breathe or speak or even open her eyes without the scarring memory of losing her baby for the third time welling in her mind.

And in that moment, the thought of Mia or Negan hadn't even crossed her mind, her only focus on leaving and nothing else.

But Negan had dragged her out of that swelling bad place as swiftly as she had fallen in, and she realised then that she had been a fool to try and shut him out all this time.

For Negan's grief was just as important as hers. And for the last few days, as stupid as she had been, Blake hadn't even realised that.

But now things were different and it was like a storm had been cleared from her mind, leaving only a pale grey morning, stark and cold. But Blake knew she could pass through those last remaining clouds...with a little help of course.

She was glad to feel Negan's warmth and his body locked around hers now, grounding her, keeping her safe.

And despite how much that horrible pain coursed through her, she felt like maybe, just maybe she cold make it through, with the dark-haired Saviour at her side.

Blake moved her blonde head back against his shoulder, causing his stubbly chin to slide across her hair.

"Was Mia ok?" she asked, finally breaking through their ocean of quiet.

Negan gave a stiff rumbling growl which Blake could feel reverberating through his chest before he opened his mouth to speak.

"Damn kid is always fine," he said in an easy tone. "Although I've gotta fuckin' say, that damn potty mouth of hers is gettin' outta control."

Blake gave a small smirk at this, glancing down at their tangled arms that were current wrapped around her.

"Uh and whose fault is that?" she mused gently.

At her words she heard Negan give an immediate chuckle, pressing a firm kiss to the side of her blonde head.

And for a long moment they were silent, the moment of laughter filling Blake with a longeing for times past, and a hope that Negan cold give her that happiness once more, as he had always yet managed to.

"Thank you…" she said suddenly, in a what was merely a whisper. "...for being here."

But Negan just gave her the smallest of gentle squeezes.

"So you changed your mind about leavin'?" he asked breathing a short huff into her ear.

She regretted him seeing that...he standing there with her bags packed. But even if she hadn't seen the crib, Blake doubted she would have even got as far as the Sanctuary front doors…

….right?

"Yeah….look, I'm sorry...my head was..." she said trailing off for a second and biting on her bottom lip. "I just...I wasn't thinking straight-"

"S'fine," Negan murmured into her hair soothingly. "Fuckin' understandable."

But was it? Really?

Blake had been willing to leave all she had strived for in that very moment.

Had that been her mind playing tricks on her, or had it been something else?

A fear perhaps that she didn't belong here with these people. That she wasn't worth Negan or Mia's time and love.

But that was, here, in the stark reality, an idiotic thing to think.

She adored the pair of them and they adored her. And they all needed each other right now, for that was a certainty in this moment of devastation and loss.

"It sucks," she suddenly uttered starkly.

For they were the only words she wanted to use right now to describe their loss.

The only words that seemed right to.

And Negan was silent for a few seconds before he nudged her head with his. "Yhhmmmm, yeah it is..."

The pair of them fell quiet for another long moment before Blake spoke again softly.

"I just thought," she said swiping tears from her eyes. "I'd hoped-"

But she couldn't finish, giving a small sniff.

"Me too," came Negan's sudden low and gravelly voice from behind her, preempting what she was going to say. He knew her that well. "But in this world, Darlin', maybe maybe the damn survivors don't get to fuckin' choose. Maybe we just gotta take the shit when it's thrown at us an' hold our damn heads up. 'Cause we're still here... were still livin', and so is Beansprout. An' that damn kid ain't goin' anywhere, both you an' I gotta make sure of that."

Blake let a gulp slide down her throat knowing what Negan said was true.

They both needed to be here now, for her, for Mia. She needed both of them to protect her...to help her grow, to show her that she was loved.

But a sudden knock broke Blake from her thoughts, as Negan behind her gave a sudden irritable growl at the disturbance.

"Whoever it is, they can fuck the hell off," he grunted into her ear, easing Blake off of him gently, as she sat up, rubbing her arms at the loss of his warmth as he pushed himself from the bed.

"Negan,-" she tried gently, trying to sate his anger but barely having the energy to do so.

But Negan was already across the room, having snatched up Lucille from the side table, hauling open the oak panelled door.

But he almost immediately gave a roll his eyes, slowly stepping back, and gruffly allowing the tall and mustachioed figure of Simon to enter, strolling easily into the room.

Blake clutched her sweater around herself, feeling suddenly very exposed, despite all the layers of clothing she had on.

God what was this?

Embarrassment of losing a baby? Why would Simon even care about that?

But for some reason Blake just could not seem to shake this feeling that she was responsible for all of Negan's pain and the pain of the people around them too.

But she blinked suddenly noticing another, much smaller figure, nestled in Simon's arms.

Mia.

"She's kinda pooped," nodded Negan's right-hand man with a lopsided smile. "Must've walked around the lots outside with me about six times in the end, asking me every question under the sun."

Blake smiled at this, allowing Simon to ease a dozy Mia into her arms.

Simon certainly wouldn't've been Blake's first choice of people to babysit Mia, but the sleeping toddler looked content enough, so he must have done an ok job at least.

"Got a feelin' its kinda past her bedtime," he sighed, digging his hands into his front pockets and stepping back from the bed. "Probably had something to do with that quart of gin I gave her-"

But Simon's joke, elicited a scowl from Negan causing Simon to hold his hand aloft and take another step back towards the door, giving a nervous smile.

"I'm...kidding…" he said but Negan's jaw was clenched, and, stepping forwards, he manhandled Simon from the room, before closing the door abruptly in his face.

"Prick," he snarled.

"Negan-" said Blake again with a small smirk. "He was obviously joking."

But Negan looked annoyed, tossing Lucille back down onto the couch and stalking back across the room, running a hand through his dark hair.

" Well ex-fuckin'-scuse me, if I don' think its funny," he snapped, causing Blake to just roll her eyes, smirking bemusedly.

"Negan, you make jokes like that all the time," she said simply, stroking back the hair on Mia's head as the toddler stirred a little in her arms.

But the dark-haired man gave a loud scoff, sitting down onto the bed beside the pair of them, causing it to sink under his weight a little, before flopping back down onto it.

"Yeah but she's my damn kid, so its fuckin' allowed," he murmured back grumpily, dragging his hands up and over his face.

Blake could tell how tired he was.

How tired they both were, neither of them barely getting any sleep over the last few days.

The blonde woman gave a sigh.

"I think we all need to get some rest," she said, lifting Mia up and carefully depositing her onto one of the pillows, tucking her sleepy form beneath the white sheets.

The small girl rolled over a litle and smacked her lips before snuggling down under the covers.

Blake stroked her cheek gently pushing herself from the bed and heading into the bathroom to get ready for bed.

But flipping on the light she sucked in a breath as she approached the washbasin where her toothbrush still lay beside the chrome taps.

One moment she had been standing here pregnant, brushing her teeth and the next she had been lying on that bed in that medical room downstairs, empty….hurt and broken.

But Blake exhaled slowly, scrunching her hands into fists at her sides as she walked over to the sink and picked up her toothbrush, staring into the mirror as she did so.

She noted almost at once how terrible she looked, dark rings beneath her eyes, grey and sallow skin and the whites of her eyes bloodshot from all the tears she had shed.

And for a moment a guilt passed over her, that she had not felt since she had been with David. A deep hurtful shame that perhaps she wasn't good enough for Negan anymore.

That he deserved better than her, someone more attractive who could bare him a child.

But Blake jumped a little as Negan appeared in the doorway, his chin dipped low and his dark eyes staring up at her meaningfully.

Blake stared back at his reflection as he paced across the bathroom, coming up behind her and leaning his long form up against her back, his arms threading around her waist.

"Everythin' alright?" he murmured sounding concerned, and coming to rest his stubbly chin on her shoulder. She noticed that his beard had grown in just a few days and was streaked with a little more silver in it that he had previously had.

Blake hovered for a second or two before she gave his reflection a gentle smile.

"Mmhmm, yeah," she purred in reply, nodding, and blinking up at him.

Negan, at this, pressed a loving kiss to the crook of her shoulder, lingering there as Blake squeezed out a little toothpaste onto the brush and stuck the bristly end into her mouth.

The pair were silent until Bake was done, wiping her mouth on a towel and giving Negan's arm a small pat, gesturing for him to follow her back into the bedroom.

Inside, the leader of the Saviours headed ecaround to his side of the bed, letting out a yawn and peeling off his clothes one item at a time, groaning with stiffness at he went.

But as Blake stood on her own side of the bed, next to her nightstand, her fingers hovered over the hem of her tshirt, feeling a scarlet flush creep across her cheeks and a heavy pounding start up in her ribcage.

She didn't want to get naked in front of Negan now as she normally did.

She didn't want his dark-and wolf-like gaze to linger on her.

In just a pair of black boxers Negan lifted the sheet making to slide beneath the covers, but he paused, quirking an eye up towards Blake seeing that she hadn't moved an inch.

The caramel blonde woman gave a gulp, tuning away for a moment to hide her face.

What was wrong with her?

Why was she embarrassed to undress in front of the man she loved like this?

But tears slipped down her cheeks as she gave her shaking hand a wave over her shoulder.

"Y-You can...uh...you can switch the light off, I'll just be a second," she uttered out trying to keep her voice steady. Trying to pretend to him that everything was ok.

And from behind her she heard Negan pause or a long moment but thankfully grant her request, flipping of the lightswitch and sliding into bed.

Blake hurriedly pulled the clothes from her body, leaving just her pale blue t-shirt on, before getting beneath the covers too.

But she could see that through the darkness Negan was still awake, with his head propped up on his elbow facing her.

"Darlin'" he suddenly said in a hushed voice, reaching over Mia's tiny sleeping form for Blake's hand, which he took, entwining her fingers with his own. "Don' think you can't fuckin' talk to me. 'Cause I'm fuckin' devoted you, and I ain't stupid. I can see that you're goin' through shit. A lot of shit. But hell, whatever you fuckin' need, I'll be here waitin'. If you wanna talk, or cry, or fuckin' yell at me if that's what you want. But you ain't on your own here, we clear? Hell, I pinch myself everyday knowin' that I'm a damn lucky son of a bitch for havin' a gal like in world like this, you so don't you ever think that I am gonna do anythin' to fuck that up."

Blake gave a small smile as she felt more tears slide down her cheeks.

Was she really that transparent?

Of course he knew there was something wrong.

Negan lifted her hand to his bearded mouth, pressing a lingering kiss to her knuckles.

"I love you…." Blake said gently, giving a him a sad sort-of smile through the darkness.

And at that Negn dropped her hand down , instead lifting his own tanned digits to her face, cupping her cheek.

"Hell, well you know I fuckin' love you, Peaches…" he replied, sounding so honest that Blake couldn't help but let out a small sob. "An' fuck me. No matter what fuckin' happens, nothin' is ever gonna fuckin' change that. So you don' have to talk to me now, alright. But know that I'm here for when you fuckin' need to. Tomorrow, the day after, next week, or in three years fuckin' time. Jus' know that you don't have to go through shit on your own, not anymore."

Blake felt her heart swell for a moment. Negan really was the most important person who had ever come into her life. And the person who had helped her prove to herself that maybe, just maybe, she was more than what David had always said she was, more than just plain and average...maybe she was beautiful and strong.

And just because her baby was gone, she was still everything to this man lying before her. Because she had to remind herself, that Negan was different, and Negan had proved that every single day she had known him for.

There had never been any hurtful words or bruises, there had only bee love and affection and lips to kiss away that hurt and those scars that had sat upon her skin for months.

And she knew that he would be different from David….he would help her to survive this….just like he had before.

For Blake was his queen. Negan had given up his wives for her, risked his empire for her, and as angry as he was with the world, he had only been kind and caring, even despite what Blake had done….despite the heir she had lost for him.

But that was the point.

Unlike David, Negan loved her. He actually cared and recognised that was not just his loss, buy hers too, and it would take them time to move on together.

And that was wehen Blake realise how selfish she had been, how blind.

She had laid there for three days, at a time when Negan had needed her most, and perhaps if she had gone to him straight away, this process of beginning to heal could have started long ago.

But nothing could change that now.

Nothing could rewrite the past.

But all Blake now knew, was that despite her doubts and her fears, that they needed each other to get through this.

And so, with that, pulling Mia closer to her between them, Blake allowed Negan's hand to slip from her face, instead linking with her own once more, as she nestled herself down between the sheets, as Negan opposite her did the same…

...feeling herself drifting off into a dreamworld with Mia...knowing that Negan was closely behind, protecting them as they slept….

..their hands never leaving each other's, the whole night through...

Sorry for some reason I found this a really hard chapter to write. I just wanted to convey the confusion and exhaustion and the mix of emotions and fears that Blake is going through right now. I hope that came across.

I hope it was ok and that I did them justice.

Thanks so much to kaylee00, Nicole, MJ, CLTex, MagiKat409, Green, LJH, kagomesdance, JasminJW, Guest and Torey for reviewing.

So today is the one year anniversary of my first chapter. I hope you've liked it so far and can't believe what a year it's been for Blake and Negan. Thanks to you all for your support and following along.

Please leave a comment and have a nice weekend, guys.