WARNING: This chapter contains triggers for depression, anxiety and PND. Please take caution before reading.

The Sanctuary could be an odd place at times. As dark and as oppressive as it often could seem, it was still the home to at least a few hundred people these days, and since the arrival of Blake in their midst, the looming factory had felt like an entirely different place. More like a home now than a hard regime. She lit a room up when she entered, talked to almost everyone these days. She had made their existence better.

But similar to how a child feels when their parents are rowing, over the past two days, the Saviours were indeed struggling to handle the very obvious tension that hung between both Negan and Blake. And most of them noticed a distance in the blonde woman over the last few days that sent whispers of concern flying around the Sanctuary.

While Negan was angrier than ever taking this out on whoever seemed to get in his way. His frightening and unpredictable demeanour had returned. And most Saviours knew to avoid him at all costs when he was like this, or feel the wrath of Lucille.

But Blake, on the other hand, had been noticeably absent for days, and it was rumoured that she had spent the last few nights sleeping back down in her own bedroom, the reason not being clear to anyone, not even Nergans' ex-wives, who feared of course that at any moment that they would be called upon again to resume their positions up in that parlour.

But all of this was just hearsay and worry among the Sanctuary residents, that things were about to go back to the way they once were.

It was true that neither Negan or Blake them had really spoken since that fateful night and certainly true that Blake had moved back into her old room down on the second floor, taking Mia with her.

For things had been said now that could not been unsaid, and Negan's words alone had scarred Blake's skin almost to the point of no return. And after the events of the past couple of weeks, this left a mark far worse that David had ever left on her skin...

After all they had been through together, after all that had happened, it hurt her to believe that that was the way Negan thought of her.

Still as this weak woman, blinded by those around her.

Blake had always, of course, been the opposite of that, and even in her weakest moments had always found the strength to get through it, to old her head up high.

But now, for the first time in her life, Blake felt herself slipping into something she had never had to deal with before.

It was the culmination of everything most likely. David's death; her miscarriage; and Negan's words, all happening over such a relatively short space of time, and without Negan by her side to help her cope with it, Blake was indeed struggling.

Visibly struggling.

She found herself crying almost all of the time. Sobbing in the shower, or late at night when Mia was sound asleep, or even when the little girl was awake, wondering why Blake was upset.

And with no Negan to talk to, she felt confused, dazed, like she was panicking at everything.

The caramel-blonde was struggling to catch her breath, her chest restricting as the weight of everything barreled down onto her shoulders, pressing her further and further into the ground.

Was this still the signs of grief and loss?

Or was this something more?

Even with Mia being here, Blake was finding it hard to cope. All that stuff with Tara had turned everything here on its head, and her happy existence here had since turned sour.

She was floundering, moments from drowning...or at least that's what it felt like now.

Not quite knowing what to do with herself, pacing that room for hours, wringing her hands while Mia watched her with interest, confused as to what the blonde woman was doing, and wondering why her Eggy wasn't with them.

In fact, as stubborn as they both were, Negan, after a day of him and Blake not speaking, had taken himself off on a run somewhere, probably to try and cool off.

And as much as it hurt Blake to be away from him like this, she couldn't help but remember his words to her, repeating them over and over inside her head….

For her emotions were in overdrive, overthinking every little thing Negan had ever said to her...scrutinizing every word she remembered him saying over the course of their relationship.

Blake knew that this was crazy but for some reason she could shake it….this feeling of everything spiralling out of control around her.

It was all happening so fast.

Just days ago she had thought she was finding her feet again. She had gone back to her garden, talked things through with Negan about the miscarriage. Things had been getting better, hadn't they?

But each time she thought back to the way he looked at her, just after she had left Tara go…. Blake felt tears swim to her eyes, her chest tightening, her knuckles turning white as she clutched onto the nightstand for support.

And it was because of all this...this freight train of emotions that Blake could not escape from, that on the third day, it happened….

She had been down in the dining hall with Mia, both keeping themselves to themselves, Blake barely wanting to acknowledge anyone today, not even those she considered her friends.

And anyone who had known her, even in the days that followed her miscarriage, that this was not like her at all.

She was bright and lit up every room she walked into, especially when she was with Mia.

But this afternoon the blonde's head was bowed low and she looked completely on edge and not like the Blake that most of the Saviours knew and loved, clutching Mia to her as they went to get food, sitting alone at the end of the large hall, Balke barely touching her portion of chicken and vegetables.

Even when John, an older kind-faced gentlemen from down in the gardens, came over to ask how she was, Blake avoided his gaze, and spoke only a few words to him, feeling an anxious bile flooding up her oesophagus.

She suddenly felt like she needed to run...to flee...her heart pounding so hard she could hear the drumming in her ears.

And so, distracted, and wanting to get away from John just that badly, Blake had taken her and Mia's cleared plates back up to the serving area and abruptly left the hall, heading back on up to her room where she had collapsed onto her bed and burst into tears.

And it had only been when she had had a knock on her door about forty minutes later, did Blake's realise what she had done….

...when her eyes landed on a concerned-looking Frankie, stood on the other side of the door clutching a sobbing and red-faced Mia in her arms.

At once Blake had clutched at her mouth in horror, bursting into tears there on the spot realising just what she had done…

...she had left Mia downstairs alone…

She had just walked off…

Just like that.

What kind of mother was she?

Her eyes widened and she felt that panic rising within her once more, the room shrinking, penning her in….

She couldn't move...or breathe…

Her heart rate speeding up so much, it felt like it was about to burst through her chest.

"Blake…" Frankie had asked with a frown. "What's going on with you? Look I know things with you and Negan haven't been great, but-"

But Blake had just staggered backwards, shaking her head.

This wasn't just about her and Negan now.

For this was something else completely. A loss, and overwhelming stream of emotions that threatened to build and build and build until Blake wasn't able to see or breathe, six feet under the water, being pulled lower and lower into an abyss.

This was mental trauma and something Blake just didn't know how to free herself from right now.

And so she did the only thing she could think to do...

"I-I-I can't do this…." she gasped with a sob, her whole body shaking uncontrollably. "I can't do this…."

Her mind was whitring at a thousand miles as second.

Was this a panic attack? It felt like it.

She couldn't breathe….

Couldn't see….

Couldn't think….

Mia deserved better than her.

Frankie stared at Blake confused, noticing the panic-stricken look upon her face.

"Blake-" she had tried, but the blonde woman had just pushed past Frankie, leaving her and Mia behind….choking….desperate for air…

She had run down the hallway, shoving past people as she went, needing to escape from this place.

She didn't belong here.

She didn't belong anywhere.

Not with Mia…..not with Negan…..not with anyone.

Maybe david had been right all along.

Maybe he had been all she had deserved...

Blake heard people call her name as she passed them by, but she was too distraught to notice, or stop, or even react to her name.

And that was when she found herself there...back in Negan's room, unsurprisingly finding it empty.

And so with tears peeling down her face thick and fast, and her hands shaking, she crossed the room and tore down a large duffel bag from the top of the closet. The one she had half-packed just over a week ago, when, touched with grief she had thought about leaving.

That was when she had thought she had had a choice, when Negan had been here to stop her. But now, there was no decision to be made.

Her thoughts were not her own any more….so much grief and loss were swirling inside her, mixed in with the rush of hormones that were still flooding her body, not understanding that there was no baby anymore…

Blake was just nothing now.

Just choking, slipping under the water….struggling to survive.

She tore clothes from hangers now, stuffing them into her bag, not bothering to find anything else she would need to survive like food or medical supplies.

Because was that what she wanted to do now?

To survive?

Blake wasn't so sure anymore…

Was this depression talking? A weight of grief? Or just the truth?

She wasn't the mom that Mia deserved or any child for that matter.

And maybe that was the reason she had never carried a baby to term. Maybe that was never her destiny to.

Perhaps she had survived this long on borrowed time.

All these inane thought swirling around inside her brain, making it fuzzy and hard to think straight.

And so, swinging around, swiping tears from her eyes that were blurring her vision, she stopped, suddenly noticing that she was not alone now.

For a tall figure was stood in the doorway staring at her…

...having returned home early from his run.

Blake stopped still, weeping, her fingers tightening around the fabric of the bag clutched between her hands.

"You're really fuckin' leaving?" Negan said, his hard voice breaking slightly as he spoke.

But his eyes said a different story, one of anger...of betrayal.

Blake was sorry now. She really was. But this feeling of panic was only worsening for every second hs was here. She was poison to Mia by being here.

For a moment Blake couldn't speak, before finally the words escaped her lips, hurting her even to say.

"I h-have to….I-I can't stay here…I can't..." she said shaking her head, squeezing her eyes closed, doubling over with emotion as she winced against her own words.

"So you're gonna leave me...leave Mia….your own kid…?" he said in a low voice, his dark scrutinizing eyes looking her up and down.

And Blake could do nothing but gasp out in pain at the realisation of what she was about to do.

Mia...well she would be better off without her.

The blonde woman gave a cry of pain, lifting her face to the ceiling as tears slid down her cheeks thick and fast.

"I-I've got to go…." she whimpered, wishing the tall, dark-haired leader of the Saviours would step aside...let her go.

But he stood fast, blocking her way from the room.

Blake half-expected him to yell at her now.

But when he spoke again, his voice was far softer as he took a few steps into the room, coming to stop just a foot or two away from her.

"You're really fuckin' doin' this, Blake...after everything?" he asked and it sounded now as though he was crying, but Blake didn't dare look at him.

She didn't have a reason why…

All she knew was that if she left, Negan and Mia could forget about her...she could fade away into nothing but a memory for both of them.

Negan would find someone else…

Mia would be safe with the wives...

And Blake could breathe.

It was selfish, oh-so selfish, she knew that, but doing this now would be better for everyone in the long run.

But had Blake been able to hear herself properly, without the fog of hormones and and insane emotions, she would have seen a woman clinging on, a woman bruised by grief, depressed, anxious….grieving.

As much as she tried to convince herself otherwise, that was what was happening.

And yet she couldn't see this. She couldn't see any of this.

And because of that, neither could Negan.

The dark-haired Saviour only seeing Blake leaving him.

"Peaches…" he murmured, reaching out now to cup ahold of her cheek.

And Blake let him of course, but she felt numb, barely feeling his fingers brushing her cheek, wiping away her tears.

But she bowed her head, letting her long blonde hair fall over her cheeks, obscuring her vision.

For she couldn't look at him anymore.

She didn't feel a part of this place.

Or feel anything for the relationship they had once had.

It was like she was drifting now...lost at sea without a hope of returning.

And Negan could see that.

He could see it ALL now.

Every little thing about her looked far away from the Blake he knew.

He dropped his hand abruptly, a lump in appearing in his throat as he ran a hand down his bearded chin, as tears slid down his own cheeks and into his stubble below.

What the hell was wrong with her?

Why the hell was she doing this? Was this all because of those assholes back in Alexandria?

Or was it because of what Negan had in fact said to her in words his regretted saying with every fibre of his body?

But even so, did all that really warrant this? Her leaving out of the blue?

Had she even had any intention of saying goodbye? To him? Or Mia?

Now it seemed like she didn't even care about anything that had happened between any of them. Months of their lives lost…

He thought she had loved him..and yet here she was, leaving and giving no explanation why.

An anger flooded him now. A betrayal.

Negan took a step back, grimacing unable to look at her anymore.

"Well if you're gonna fuckin' go…" he said, trying to sound as cold as he could, trying to cover up the hurt that was currently coursing through him. "Then just go."

Fuck. He didn't want her to.

BUt his sheep pig-headed stubbornness betrayed him.

And at his words Blake gave a painful sob, nodding feverently.

And with that, the blonde woman that Negan loved with all his fucking heart, went, leaving the room and leaving Negan standing there listening, as the door at the end of the hallway swung out and then back on itself, the noise telling him that she was gone.

Just gone.

And lifting his head skywards and opening his mouth as silent tears streamed down his face, Negan only remained like that for a second or two, before, with a roar of anger, and with no Lucille in his hand now, the dark-haired Saviour turned, his fist colliding squarely with the wall beside him.

Blake was shaking like leaf by the time she reached the lots outside.

It was early afternoon now, and the place was a busy as ver.

And almost everyone out there, working, gossiping, or finishing up for the day, had seen Blake streak past them, tears fresh on her cheeks, looking like a ghost, both in colour and demeanour.

For her eyes were staring now without even seeing...

And almost everyone turned her way, as, reaching a lone black car the end of the lot, Blake broke down in tears, doubling over, palms flat to the hood of the car, eyes squeezed shut.

She didn't know what was happening to her.

Never in her life had she felt like this before, a surge of emotions overwhelming and crippling her where she stood.

Her desperate cries filled the lot and it was only when she felt a hand on her shoulder and a voice in her ear did she open her eyes again.

"B," came the voice, gentle and warm. "You going somewhere?"

And with that Blake looked up, speaking before she had even seen who the person was.

"I-I-I have to...I-I have to go…" she said desperately, her knuckles white against the bag in her arms, as she looked up through glassy eyes, to see Arat there beside her.

For a moment Blake thought she might have tried to stop her, loyal as she was to Negan.

But instead the curly-haired woman, just gave a nod of utter understanding, her hand moving gently to Blake's upper arm.

"Then, come on, get in…" she said in a kind voice. "I'll drive."

….

Sorry that was another sad one. I really wanted to get across Blake's suffering in this chapter and how common PND can also affect women who miscarry, and not just new mothers. I really hope I've done this kind of depression and Blake's journey justice. I know people who have gone through this so it's not something I have taken on lightly, I promise you. I just hope it was ok.

Thanks to MissIndependent101, LJH, BlueBloodsSVUOrder, CLTex, stacey40, ThesaviorsJDM, Green, Guest, Lucy and Very eager guest for reviewing.

Please review!