Negan was perched on his couch as the evening began to set in, already on his third glass of whiskey, forearms resting against his knees, eyes on the floor.
He was hurting now, in more ways that one, flexing out his hand stiffly, letting out a sharp hiss of pain as he did so. Fuck, not even the whiskey could mask that now.
He had been an asshole. He knew that.
But that was no fucking reason for her to up and leave like that.
For her to just walk out on him, on the kid, as though she had never given a rats-ass about either of them. That wasn't the Blake he knew.
Peaches would have fought for them...for their relationship, kicked his damn ass.
But maybe the leader of the Saviours had taken things too far. Maybe he had crossed the line. Bringing up her damn ex like that.
It was a dick move on his part, but couldn't they have just fucking talked this through?
No, she had to just leave, with no other explanation.
Shit.
All of this was so out of the blue.
He had thought that things since the miscarriage were getting better. They had talked and, hell, Negan was slowly getting over it now, feeling that sense of loss start to dissipate as the days went on.
So why the hell had Blake reacted like she did?
Negan had been so angry at her, seeing her standing there with a bag in her hand about to leave. Shit. Perhaps he should have begged her to stay?
But either way, now it was too late. She was gone, and he didn't have a fucking clue where.
Negan swirled the brown liquor inside his glass, staring down into it before tossing it back into his mouth, where it burned as it slid down his throat.
Whiskey would help. For it HAD to help, right?
He slammed the glass back down onto the coffee table in front of him, just as there came a sudden knock on the door.
The dark-haired man was silent for a long moment, before wrinkling his nose in irritation, a deep frown-line settling itself between her brows.
"Come in," he finally barked, reaching for his bottle, unscrewing the cap and sloshing a little into the glass once more with an unsteady hand.
He wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone now. But what he was in the mood for was to fight, to argue, to cut down anyone who was stood behind that door ready to annoy him.
But he looked up, as the door was pushed slowly open to see Frankie peer around the door with Mia balanced on her hip.
But Negan didn't even get a chance to say a word, his eyes flickering to the little girl, who looked glum and a little confused.
Fuck, she was too fucking young for any of this shit. What the hell was he gonna tell her? That the woman she now called her damn Mom had upped and left? How the fuck was any of this fucking fair?
"I-I tried to stop her, Negan," said Frankie sounding upset, shaking her head. " B-But she just-"
But Negan dropped his eyes, cutting across her with a click of his tongue.
"I know, Frank," he said gruffly, trying as best he could to hide his sorrow behind a hard voice. "She's fuckin' gone."
Frankie was silent for a very long moment, the only thing breaking the awful quietness that filled the room was Mia, babbling as she often did.
"Aish la la laaaaa," she mumbled, playing with Frankie's long red hair, but the woman merely ignored her now, staring down at Negan with sorrow in her face.
"Negan, s-she's not well. Blake….s-she wasn't thinking straight-" she tried.
But Negan gulped harshly cutting over the redhead again.
"Get the fuck outta here, Frank," he snarled, lifting the whiskey to his lips and draining yet another glass.
Now he could feel the effects of the alcohol seeping into his bloodstream, numbing his senses a little.
He didn't want to hear this shit.
He felt betrayed. Hurt.
And his ex-wife's words were not about to change that now.
He bowed his head, letting another gulp slide down his throat, as he squeezed his eyes tightly shut. Knowing how much the next few words that were about to escape his lips were going to break him...
"And take the kid with you too," he said bitterly. "Hell, she ain't mine."
That moment it was like a knife had been plunged into his heart, regret flooding his every pore.
And by the time Negan lifted his head, perhaps to change his mind, to tell Frankie that he hadn't fucking meant that, he found the doorway empty, and the redhead and Mia were long gone….
...just like Blake was now.
They had been driving for at least an hour now in silence, Arat in the driving seat while Blake, with cheeks still stained with tears, stared out of the passenger side window, leaning her head against the cold glass.
She felt broken.
Just like she had done when the apocalypse had begun and everything started falling apart around them. But even then she had had David. She hadn't been alone, but now it was as though she had sunk to the bottom of the ocean, weighed down, staring up and seeing everyone still above the surface, but they were all too far away to notice her, to hear her screams, her cries for help.
Blake felt like a million miles away and barely part of this world anymore.
She didn't know where they were going or when they would stop, but Blake needed something….anything….an escape….
And it was only when, an hour into their drive, despite not knowing or caring which direction Arat had been taking her in, Blake blinked, noticing something up ahead.
"S-stop… stop the car…." she said suddenly, causing Arat to hit the brakes, startled by Blake speaking after so long having nothing but silence from her.
The car pulled up on the side of the deserted main road, as Blake pushed open the passenger-side door, getting out before Arat had even had a chance to put on the handbrake.
"Blake where are you-" Arat said quickly, but Blake still clutching the half-full pack tightly between her hands, walked dazedly away from the car, staring up at a building just over the trees in the distance.
A gulp travelled down her throat. And for the first time in days, at the sight, she finally felt like she could breathe.
Behind her, Arat scrambled out of the car, falling into step with the blonde and following her line of sight up towards a small white house, just visible through the trees.
It was small, with white shutters on the windows and dead hanging baskets out front.
And was a place that Blake had never thought she would ever see again.
For this was the house she and Negan had stumbled upon just a few weeks ago…a sweet little family home, and a place where Blake had felt warm and safe, for a short short time anyway.
"You been here before?" asked Arat sounding a little worried, but matching Blake's pace as the blonde stumbled straight through the undergrowth now, towards the little building.
Blake knew she now needed to be here.
Coincidence had brought them to this place once before, and fate had brought her here now, she was sure of it.
This was where she was meant to be...
But Blake didn't answer Arat's question now, merely breathing hard as she headed down the path she and Negan had taken before through the treeline, keeping out of sight of anyone that might be watching, with Arat now at her side.
And it was only a short while after, that Blake emerged from the trees, and approached the familiar small white painted garden gate, staring up at the house with glassy green eyes filled with tears which threatened to spill over her sticky cheeks once more.
This was all too overwhelming for her, but out here it was as though she was swimming to the surface, close to finding air….taking her chance to breathe once more.
But she wasnt there yet. And everything she knew still felt too far away for her to even feel anything for…..Negan...Mia…
It was as though they were shadows to her now. Almost gone,fluttering just outside of the horrible thoughts that fought to cripple her and send her spiralling down into an abyss.
"Blake?" said Arat now in a quiet voice. And it was only then did Blake realise that she was clutching the black duffel bag in her arms so tightly that her knuckles had turned white, and those unshed tears were now sliding from her cheeks and dropping onto the dry ground at her feet.
She was broken. A shell of who she once was.
But maybe this place would make everything better?
"You wanna go inside?" tried Arat, her dark eyes travelling over Blake, her lips pursed together, offering her a look that was far from judgemental. Instead it was a look of understanding, of sadness.
But Blake's lip merley quivered and she nodded her head a few times, unable to make any other gestures right now, rooted to the spot, trapped.
Arat hovered for a long moment, before she let out a small sniff and pulled a large hatchet from her belt.
"Well let me go check it out first," she said, glancing this way and that.
And Blake blinked a couple of times as Arat swiftly disappeared up the garden path and headed into the house, cautiously moving in through the front door.
Balke wasn't sure how long she was alone for. Minutes? Hours? Losing all sense of time now, just as she had back in the car.
The passage of time didn't feel straight anymore to her, with gaps invading her consciousness, bleeding holes into what was real and what wasn't.
But, what was, in reality though, only a few seconds later, Blake heard a loud thud and the sound of dragging, only for Arat to reappear, hunched over, dragging the now-limp figure of a walker out onto the small painted porch, before pushing the corpse into the overgrown bushes to the side of the house.
"Coast is clear," she muttered, brushing off her hands on the front of the jeans.
But Blake was stood, rooted to the spot, staring now at the spot the decaying body had been ditched in, remembering how that man had died….
...at her own hand nonetheless.
He had only been protecting what was his...his home...when Negan and Blake had had stumbled upon this place. He had once been like her….with a chance at a family...at a future. But, like Blake, the loss had caused everything he was to deteriorate…
...leaving him broken, desperate, clutching onto nothing and everything all at the same time.
And at that memory, that thought, Blake suddenly clutched a trembling white hand over her mouth, tears sliding between her fingers as she shook her head desperately.
"I s-shouldn't've killed him...I shouldn't've..." she said between sobs, leaning forwards and doubling over.
Blake didn't know what was wrong with her anymore.
Not being able to think straight.
She was distressed...in pain…
But in a second Arat was with her, pulling the heavily trembling form of Blake, into her arms.
"Hey, hey, it's ok…" she said wrapping her arms tightly around her in a bear hug, pulling her close. "Blake what your going through….its ok...I promise you….it may not feel like it right now...but it is and you'll be ok..you'll come out the other side and be ok…"
Blake pulled her face away just enough now to peer up at Arat desperately shaking at her blonde head.
"But what if it's not, Arat," she cried, sobbing hard now. "I feel like I'm lost...like I-I'm losing myself…"
Her green eyes searched Arat's face, almost pleading with her to understand.
And thankfully it truly seemed like Arat did, lifting her hand up and brushing down Blake's hair.
"B," she said, her own brown eyes welling with tears now. "What you're going through….you've been through a trauma...you've lost your baby…"
Blake broke down now at the starkness of the words, almost collapsing into Arat, barely able to hold herself up any longer. Her loud sobs filled the quietness of the space, as Arat continued speaking, clutching at Blake and holding her tightly.
"...I was eighteen," she said, sounding like her own voice was breaking now. "I'd only ever slept with one guy and hated it...a-and I didn't even know I was pregnant until my final trimester…"
Blake continued to cry, clutching onto Arat's sleeve, as the dark-haired woman continued speaking, tears pouring from her own eyes as she gripped Blake tightly.
"M-My Mom told me that I should keep it, told me a baby would help me grow up…" she said, sobs coming from her own mouth now. "But when I had it….I didn't want her...I just didn't want her...I just slipped into this madess that I couldn't get myself out of. I didn't feel like I loved her...I couldn't bare it….so I ran….I just left her…..left my Mom….."
Arat was crying hard now, both women, with heads lowered, clutching onto each other for support, both physically and emotionally.
"...what you're going through Blake...I went through it too….I sunk so far I never thought I'd get up again...but I did...I did...and you will too, I promise you, B…"
Blake nodded,again and again and again, sobbing into Arat's jacket.
And both woman stayed like that for at least the couple of minutes that followed.
Perhaps Arat was right. She wasn't alone.
Perhaps she wasn't going crazy…
She had lost a baby, and maybe this time was not like the others.
Maybe she needed to realise that she couldnt be strong all of the time, that she couldn't keep fighting away these demons.
This was something she needed to go through. Something she needed to survive.
Despite how much it hurt her to do so.
Arat sniffed into Blake's hair, swiping at her cheeks.
"C'mon, let's go inside," she said, glancing over her shoulder before leading Blake up the path towards the house and heading inside.
It smelled like death in here and Arat took no time in opening all of the widows wide to rid the place of the stench, just as Blake stared around, dropping to duffel bag to the white painted floorboards.
It looked just like it had when Blake had been in here last, with grey ash spilling out of the grate and onto the carpet, an abandoned sleeping bag strewn across the couch, and a broken picture frame sat atop the mantelpiece where Blake had placed it, showing the dead man and his family, alive, well, smiling…
Blake gripped onto the mantelpiece now, steadying herself as she let out another sob.
But as she clutched a hand to her mouth, Arat was already leading her over to the flowered sofa, shoving the sleeping bag to the floor so that they could both sit down.
"I'm so sorry…" said Blake shaking her head again, unable to control this overwhelming feeling of panic now that drove her heart rate through the roof and her emotions skyrocketing.
"You don't need to apologise," said Arat firmly, turning to face Blake now and grasping both of her hands tightly within her own. "I know what your going through and how hard it can be to see any sort of hope. But you take all the time you need. You can stay here or I can drive you someplace else if that's what you want…"
"I-I just need time...on my own…" sobbed Blake again, trying to make Arat see that she needed to be able to breathe. She needed air...away from the reminders of loss the Sanctuary held for her now.
But Arat nodded solemnly looking like she did indeed understand.
"I know, I know…" said the dark-haired woman with a worried sounding sigh. "Look stay here….take the time you need….and I can come back in a few days, make sure you're ok…that sound cool?"
Blake looked at her now giving a sniff, feeling her heartbeat settling slightly, knowing that she had time now...time to get herself better, back on her feet….to stop herself sinking further into the quicksand that threatened to cut off her air.
She knew she had had no choice but to leave that place, but here...now...she did regret going...leaving…..the cloud clearing slightly from her mind.
"Do you think Mia will hate me for leaving?" Blake asked now, tears sliding down her cheeks.
But Arat shook her head.
"No, I don't..." Arat said in a gentle voice, reaching up and cupping Blake's cheek. "No-one could hate you, Blake…"
The blonde woman's eyes dropped to the space between them now, glassy with tears.
"Negan could...for leaving like that….b-but I didn't have another choice, I had to, Arat. I had to.."
She sounded desperate now, oh-so desperate.
And Arat could only shake her head.
"I know you did….I know…." said the curly-haired woman with a look of remorse passing over her face as Blake looked up at her finally, tilting her head to the side.
Arat had been through this shit too. Been in a dark place where there was no hope of escape.
This was depression, Blake realised that now, brought on by a trauma and a loss, or even sometimes, in Arat's case, an overwhelming swell of emotions that threatens to darken everything in your life in, what seems like to others, even the brightest of moments.
It was like being trapped within a storm unable to see the light anymore, and knowing that everyone you loved was on the outside, in the sunshine, while you were cold and trapped there, with no way out.
Arat had had what Blake never could. A baby. And yet she had still felt this panic, this sinking feeling...unable to breathe or think or see…
And Blake knew exactly what it had felt like to leave your child...the people you loved because you didn't feel anything. Not then anyway, not at that one desperate moment….
The blonde woman was silent for a long few seconds before finally speaking, staring up into Arat's sad eyes as she did so...
"What was her name?" she asked in a quiet voice, her lips trembling as she spoke.
And it took the dark-haired woman a while to say anything, a gulp trailing its way down her throat, until-
"Maria…" she finally said. "...I called her Maria."
She paused for a second before speaking again.
"It was a year before I plucked up the courage to go home...when I realised that I loved her...I actually did love her," she said her voice breaking once more. "But my mother, well…..she had had her put for adoption by then...told me Maria deserved a proper family who loved her, and not me. She'd be thirteen years old now. And all I can hope is that she survived."
Tears slid down Blake's cheeks, landing on the pair's entwined hands between them, as she shook her head, but couldn't say another word.
Instead, Arat, who knew that she obviously needed to be the strong one here, gave a deep sniff, wiping stray tears from her own eyes and patting Blake's hand gently.
"Listen I've got a few supplies in the trunk of my car, they should see you through for a few days at least," she said, worrying at her lips before staring around at this little house. "Are you sure this is where you want to be though Blake? Here? Because I can take you someplace else, one of the Outposts, or even back to Alexandria if that's what you want?"
It was obvious now that all the curly-haired woman wanted was to make sure Blake was safe. But Blake didn't want to be here with anyone else was right now, and the thought of going back there to stay with Rick and Michonne and the others, sent her anxiety spiraling again, her heart rate rising.
"No, no, please," Blake said slightly hysterically, almost begging Arat now, squeezing both her hands tightly.
But Arat merely lifted her hand, cupping Blake's tear-strewn cheek again.
"Its ok, its ok...shhh," she said soothingly with a shake of her head. "I'm not gonna make you do anything you dont wanna do, B."
Blake nodded in understanding, as Arat stroked her cheek a little more, before lifting herself from the couch to her feet.
"I'm gonna go get that stuff from the car," she said with a sniff. "How about you take a look around, make sure the place is secure and I'll be back in five, ok?"
Blake gave another nod, streading herself as best she could.
As Arat was doing all this for her, this was the least she could do in return.
And so, getting to her feet, feeling slightly nervous as she did so, Blake checked the rooms one by one, knowing that if there was anyone in here, without a weapon, she would have no chance of defending herself.
But was that even something she cared about now? Surviviving?
But luckily for her, poking her head around each door of the small house, she found the place intact and the windows tightly bolted, save for the ones in the living room and kitchen that Arat had opened upon their arrival there.
She could tell now, as she had done all those weeks ago, that this place held so so many memories. It was warm here and light and hopefully for Blake a place for healing, for getting better...
By the time she had made it back into the small living room, Arat was back, placing a large green backpack down onto a long side table.
"Hopefully this will tide you over for a while," she said with a huff. "There's some food in there, bottled water, a med-aid kit.."
She plucked each item out of the pack as she filed them off, as Blake nodded back gratefully, rubbing her palms against her jeans, feeling all of a sudden very self conscious.
She could feel that anxiety rising within her again, that fear and that worry that she wasn't worth any of this...wasn't worth the food, or the resources, or the care that Arat was expending on her right now.
"I can stay with you tonight...make sure the place is safe?" Arat said raising her eyes to Blake now, but the blonde woman shook her head hurriedly.
"N-No...please...I just….I need to be here...you dont...you should go back..please…." she said desperately.
And although Arat certainly didn't look like she wanted to agree, she did, giving her own head a brief nod before walking over to Blake, who had her arms folded around herself, eyes glassy and features pale and stressed-looking.
"Ok...I'll go…" the curly-haired woman said, her dark eyes roving over Blake's face. "But….look, you should take these…"
And with that, Arat pressed a her own large hatchet into Blake's hand, handle first, along with a small black radio.
"Take these….that way, if you need me, I'll be at the other end of that thing….we all will…"
And Blake knew what she meant by that. For that line led directly to the Sanctuary. Negan too.
She gave a fevered nod, as Arat took a step back and took a deep breath.
"Listen," she said finally, rubbing Blake's arm with her hand comfortingly. "Sleep, rest, eat and think about things ok. But don't let it eat you up. You have people out there that love you. I know that's hard to see right now, but I promise you it's true….ok?"
And with tears slipping silently down her cheeks, Blake gave a nod lowering her green eyes to the items in her hands.
"Ok…" she replied, her eyes never leaving them, not even as Arat turned and slowly left the small white house quietly….
….leaving Blake totally and utterly alone.
Where she needed to be.
Thanks to all who reviewed : Torey, CLTex, Guest, angelvoice15, Guest, LJH, BlueBloodsSVUOrder and stacey40.