Author's Warning- there's a little pocket of smut in here
THE BARTLET FOR AMERICA CAMPAIGN 1998
Throughout the next few days, the campaign kicked into high gear, leaving Josh and I little time to do the 36 Questions but whenever the opportunity arose we'd continue. Our relationship continued in that same vein. When we found ourselves alone with a little bit of time, we'd wrap around one another with the ease and comfort of a long term couple. But other than those moments, we continued our not-so-traditional professional relationship. Our glances across the room to one another went from being accidental and shy to deliberate and heated or playful and warm.
During debate prep, Toby and Leo were going at it again over social security and I slid a piece of paper over to Josh. Josh smiled already figuring what it was going to be. He opened the paper to find the question, If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
Josh took the pen I offered him and began writing. If you'd told me two weeks ago, he'd be more interested in playing a silly question game with me than getting into the ring with Leo and Toby on policy, I would have scoffed. But we were both feeling the bubbly feelings of the honeymoon phase of a relationship. It also made him feel invincible, he told me last night when I questioned him. Like nothing could touch him, like he could do anything. When a man tells you that, your heart skips a beat and you kiss the daylights out of him.
I'd take you to Hawaii. I'd visit my mother more. I'd tell Leo about you and I. I'd play more pranks on CJ. I'd eat an endless stream of Red Vines. Josh wrote back to me. I attempted to tamp down my smile at the Hawaii comment. The thing about Josh telling Leo made me stomach flutter. We haven't really discussed how this is going to work. We've just been making it up as we go along. I'm not sure if I can do the whole secret relationship thing.
Josh hands me then pen once I finish reading. I try to think about what to write but I'm coming up empty, my brain circling the drain of Josh telling Leo. Would he fire us? Would he make Josh fire me? Would he just move me to someone else's assistants?
When he saw I wasn't writing, Josh nudges my leg. So I sigh and give the best answer I can even if I'm not sure it's the whole truth.
I changed most of what I needed to by coming to this campaign. I'm pretty happy now. And don't let that go to your head. I stare at the answer. I think if we were talking he'd see I was holding back but I don't think he'll notice anything just from the words on the page. On second thought I add, And I'd have an endless supply of gelato.
THE SANTOS FOR BRIGHTER AMERICA CAMPAIGN 2006
People are looking at us like we've gone insane. No one is used to the Josh and Donna that get along. Well, getting along might be a stretch but we're summoning that team of two thing we had going on for so long. Earlier in a strategy meeting, Josh and I riffed off one another for a solid fifteen minutes and by the end of it, we had a solid plan for a new ad campaign. The room was equally impressed and confused. I think we were too.
Last time Josh and I played the questions out intermittently. But with our jobs now and our relationship where it's at, I don't think we can afford that. I'm itching to talk to finish the second set of questions. I want to see where it leaves us. Plus, according to the rules, Josh can still call this whole thing off if he decides to in this set of questions. If we just get to the third set, he has to follow through. And I know Josh- he's a man of his word.
So I spend an inordinate amount of energy on shifting my mental energy away from Josh. Which might be counterproductive. But campaign life gives me plenty to put on my plate so I kind of spend the day running around like a chicken without its head.
By the time everyone else breaks for dinner, I'm exhausted so I just head up to my room. I haven't seen Josh in the past hour or so and I'm grateful for the few seconds alone on the elevator.
I close my eyes and lean my head back against the cool of the elevator wall. I wonder what Josh has been up to since I saw him last before I left for a meeting with the guy from WaPo. When I came back to the war room, the candidate was in his suite and and the few people I ventured to ask didn't know where Josh went. The elevator pinged open but I wouldn't bring myself to open my eyes. Whoever it was could deal with seeing some exhausted campaign worker half asleep.
I heard the person step in. And smiled. I'm not sure what clued me into it being Josh. But I knew it was. Something about the energy in the air. It crackles with him around. The scientists at CalTech should be looking into that, instead of string theory.
I think we're both aware that I know it's him but we don't say anything. I wait for the third ping, where I'm supposed to get off but when I open my eyes to the doors opening, Josh is reaching for the close doors button.
"I'm getting off here?" I say confused. He gives me an award-winning smile and shakes his head yes. Maybe he wants to continue the questions in his room? I mean, I would appreciate a moment to myself to freshen up a little. But I probably would end up falling asleep in the armchair- or worse, the toilet. It wouldn't have been the first time on the campaign trail that I've done so.
When the elevator pings open to the fourth floor, he gestures for me to exit. I narrow my eyes at him but exit the elevator regardless. When we get to his door, he just hands me his key card. I sigh dramatically and he rolls his eyes at me. I swipe the card and open the door.
Holy shit.
I turn back to Josh, I'm sure my eyes are as big as saucers. He looks nervous. Silly man, how could I possibly react that would make him nervous? This is… Something out of a romcom. In this tiny hotel room, Josh has set up a candlelit dinner for us. There are flowers on the table and the dinner smells delicious. Then I see the name on the bag. I turn back to him again, this time with tears in my eyes.
"No. Oh, no. I didn't mean to make you cry- don't do that. Stop that. Your lip. It's doing a thing. Stop-" I cut Josh's rambling off by crushing him into a hug. The air goes out of him and then I feel him relax.
"How did you find Amelio's here!?" I exclaim, referring to the name on the food bag.
"I was taking a walk, thinking. And I saw it. I didn't know they had restaurants outside of D.C. and Virginia and it seemed, ya know, perfect."
The first night that I moved to D.C. Josh took me to Amelio's. Ever since I was hooked. We'd go there at least once a week. And it was always a moment of reprieve when we sat down with our various Italian dishes from the business of our lives- it gave Josh and I a moment to ourselves, to one another. I haven't been back to Amelio's since the week that I quit.
I pull back from the hug and wipe my eyes quickly, feeling a little embarrassed at how affected I am.
"But why all this?" I ask, gesturing at the candles and flowers. Josh tenses at this and I feel bad. I didn't mean to sound so unappreciative. I just feel like I'm two steps behind.
"I've been an ass." Josh shrugs. I give him a small smile.
"I'm not completely innocent though. I appreciate the gesture though. You are a man of occasion. And I'm starving." My stomach growls right on cue and this brings a laugh out of Josh. I want to bathe in that sound. We sit down to eat and I notice the questions sitting in the center but Josh and I end up just talking most of the time. We talk about work- not obsessively or like boss-employee but just as two people who love what it is that they do. We talk about our families- the happy parts at least. His mom has been recommending her romance novels to him as hints that he's getting too old to be laugh at some of the titles. I'm sure Josh is making some of them up. We talk about my brother and his kids. My youngest nephew just started walking and I pull up a picture and show Josh on my phone. I roll my eyes as he realizes you can send pictures over text.
But eventually we get down to business as we go for seconds on pasta.
"What is your most treasured memory?" Josh asks. I inhaled deeply, steeling myself for my answer, to be honest.
"The second inauguration, when you came to get me. You had this look in your eyes and I don't know. I felt so stupid and alone and then you just bulldozed past those feelings and made me feel like me again. And you… you telling me I look amazing. I just changed the subject because I didn't know how to deal with how you were looking at me. That night… dancing, smiling with you. Yeah, that's my most treasured memory."
He's looking at me with those eyes again now.
"Donna…"
"Okay. Your turn. What's your most treasured memory?"
"Are you changing the subject because you don't know how to deal with how I'm looking at you?" He replies with a bit of snark. I resist the urge to stick my tongue out at him.
"Yes." I pay close attention to a bite of lasagna. Josh snorts at me.
"Alrighty… It's when you woke up from the second surgery in Germany. I had just been with your mom and Collin watching you sleep, all of us going through a million scenarios in our heads. I was terrified. And they left and I was just in this world of fear and hate, watching the news coverage. And then you said my name. Your voice was groggy and low and I thought I was imagining it at first. Then I realized you were awake and you were okay and everything aligned again, like the lights came back on in the world."
I don't have much of a memory of that first time. Everything was still so groggy. But I do remember him saying I'm still here. I remember the desperation in his eyes and the curve of his mouth. I remember feeling safe enough to fall asleep because he was at my side. I blinked back tears thinking about it. Josh and I reached for each others hand across the table in the same moment.
"Thank you for being there."
"Thank you for being here."
We sat quietly for a long time. Josh seemed to snap out of it first.
"What is your most terrible memory?" He asks me. He rubs a hand over his eyes and I wonder if these questions are a little much.
"I wasn't honest with you the first time."
"Looking back, I figured that." Josh shrugged. I had told him the first time that I couldn't really think of anything specific. I play with my hands in my lap, wrestling with wanting to be honest and not wanting to discuss certain things in my past. "Do you want me to go first?" Josh offers. I nod slowly. I just don't have the courage to talk about this yet. "My answer has changed. As horrible as everything with Joanie was, it's been a long time and I know now, at least in my rational brain, that it wasn't my fault… And it's not like it was all in my head. Getting diagnosed with PTSD by Stanley. In those few minutes between him telling me and Leo reassuring me, it felt like the rug had pulled out from under me. Like I'd been betrayed by myself. And I was so mad that I couldn't keep it together. That you and everybody else had seen through everything I'd tried so hard to hide behind. And I thought I was going to have to resign and I thought I was going to be alone. I thought I was going to be alone with this thing stuck in my head and I didn't see how it was going to get better… I felt better after talking to Leo and then you sat beside me all night in the emergency room and at home…" Josh concludes.
"You looked like a ghost those first few days. And you kept looking surprised every time I'd show up." I reply.
"Yeah, I had this running theory you were going to decide I was more trouble than I was worth." Josh smiles wryly. Given his tone, I wonder if he believes that's why I left- that he was too much trouble.
"Josh, that's not why I left."
"What? Yeah, I know." Josh shrugs. I don't believe him but I don't think now is the time to push him on it.
"Okay…" I stall. "I guess it's my turn to open up…"
"Like an oyster." Josh smiles at me, trying his best to be supportive and keep the tone not quite as heavy. I know that it won't work. I'm scared about his reaction.
"Josh, this isn't… I don't tell people about this." My face feels hot. His expression gets serious again.
"Donna, you can tell me. I'll listen, I'm not judging. I'm just here." His promise means more to me than he knows. I take a deep breath.
"So I talk about my family with you but I never mention my dad…" I say then pause staring at the food. I don't want this to change how Josh sees me. I've never wanted to be seen as a victim and I'm an adult woman now. These ghosts can't continue to haunt me forever.
"Donna? You don't have to-" Josh begins but I cut him off.
"No. I can do this. I just… I'm still the same person you know?"
"I know."
"My dad… He got fired one day because of his drinking. He came home early. He found me with a boy in my room." I deliver each sentence in a monotone voice, as if I'm telling facts rather than a story of the worst day of my life. "He was just a friend, we were studying. But the door was closed accidentally and my dad got upset. He made my friend leave then he-" I cut myself off to take a shuddering breath. I could picture these moment vividly. "He- my dad… I was fourteen. He just kept yelling about how I was a slut and that I deserved to be punished and I-I just sat there. And my mom got home. And she tried to calm him down which didn't work. He left and the door slammed so hard it came off one of the hinges. He came back hours later, drunk." I swallowed hard. I couldn't look at Josh but I had to. His eyes were filled with concern but behind that concern was an anger that he was clearly trying to temp down until I finished. I looked away and continued before he could say anything. "You might be able to surmise the rest of the story from there. He came home, yelling more about me and my siblings were home at this point… My sister and I huddled together in her room. My brother went to tell him off. I don't know why he thought-" I choke up at this point, picturing my brother bleeding. Josh stands up and pulls me into his arms. I can't help the tears. I hate them but I can't help them. "He hit him, again and again and I just wanted it to stop and he-he-" I'm not sure how clear my words were but Josh just hugged me tighter and I knew I was safe but I still could feel the fear from that awful day.
After a bit of blubbering on Josh's shoulder, I pull away and wipe my tears on my sleeve.
"Anyways, my sister called the cops when I left the room to help my brother and I-I… It wasn't long after that. He was arrested. He didn't come back after he was released. I haven't seen him since." Josh continued to rub my back.
"I'm so sorry you had to go through that, Donna." Josh replies. His own voice sounds thick with emotion.
"I know." I tell him, leaning my forehead into the nook of his shoulder.
"I'm sorry you had to relive it by telling me. I am glad that I know though. God, Donna, I wish I could protect you from what happened in the past. I wish I could get the President to give your brother some kind of medal."
I squeeze him tight to me once more and step back.
"Okay. Enough of all that. Next question." I start.
"Are you sure? We can take a break." Josh offers.
"No. I want the distraction." I tell him honestly. He nods. "If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?" I read off.
"I'd work my ass off to get Santos elected… But I'd take a little bit of time off to spend time with my mom and I'd… well… I would do this more." He says and before I can ask for clarification on this, he reaches for me and before I know it, his lips are on mine. He pulls away after a few passionate seconds. "Was that okay?" He sounds nervous, like his timing was bad. But this is just the right distraction. I smile and then pull him roughly back to my lips.
Before I know it, I'm pushing him to the bed and I've removed his jacket. When he moves his lips to my neck, his hands in my hair, I let out a moan.
"You're fucking beautiful." Josh grumbles under his breath. I push him backwards so that he falls on the bed. I manage to stay standing. He looks up at me, all dissheveled, on his elbows. He raises a brow, waiting for me. I smirk a bit as his expression changes as my hands start unbuttoning my blouse. He's breathing hard by the time I throw the lilac blouse at him. "Good god." Josh groans. I think he may have sniffed my shirt. That turns me on for some odd reason. "Would you get down here please?" His voice is gravelly and it goes straight to below my stomach. I straddle him but don't lean down to his face. He pouts and I smirk again. But he just narrows his eyes and before I know it, I'm on my back with him over me, between my thighs.
"Oh god." I breathe out as he gives me a heated look and kisses down my chest. He pays attention to all the right places but struggles a bit unhooking my bra. I have to help him a bit but a frustrated Josh usually leads to a more dominant Josh and that leads to more orgasms for me. Or at least it has in the past. It's been a while since we've done this.
As the thought weasels its way into my brain, I feel nervous and self conscious as Josh kisses my stomach. What are we doing? Is this what we do now? It's not like we've really fixed anything, is it? Is this healthy? I don't even notice that Josh has stopped moving at first but I look back down and he's looking at me with questioning eyes. There's lust there but there's also vulnerability.
"Sorry. I'm overthinking." I decide to continue being honest. "Are we… What is this?" I voice some of the questions in my head. Josh rolls off me on to his back next to me. I resist the urge to cover up.
"I didn't mean to rush you."
"I know! You didn't. I rushed it if anyone did." I roll onto my side to look at him. He looks over at me, making a valiant effort that makes me smile to keep his eyes above my neck.
"Then… why did we stop?" Josh grins a little but there's still vulnerability in his eyes shining through his facade.
"Should we be doing this? Is this… what we do now?"
"Are you asking me what it means?" Josh replies. A chill that has little to do with the temperature and more to do with insecurity runs through me. I shrug. "Donnatella?" I look back at him, he's looking at me like he's trying to figure me out.
"Joshua?" I tease but it falls flat.
"I'm not just trying to get you in bed." A blush drowns my cheeks.
"I know that." I tell him.
"Do you?" Josh asks. He mirrors me and moves to his side, head on his hand. "Donna, it's never been about the sex for me." Since when is Josh the one better able to navigate putting words to feelings?
"It hasn't for me either." I tell him. I take the risk and put my hand on his chest. He leans in slow, taking his sweet time, to get to my lips. We start off slow but it heats up quick. Before I know it, his chest is bare and he's kissing down my stomach again.
He unzips my pants with his teeth and it's such a turn on that I have to place my hand over my mouth. Josh reaches up and moves it though, his feelings clear on me holding back verbally.
He mouths me through my lacey underwear, groaning when he sees it at first. Once he's pulled me to the edge with the material between us he pulls away to pull them off. It doesn't take him long to bring me to the brink again with his tongue and two of fingers. But what really pushes me over the cliff is his groan that vibrates through me as he does this. The louder I get, the more enthusiastic he is.
I pull him back up to me after my second orgasm. I taste myself on his mouth and pull at his curls. He grunts when I pull particularly hard. I can feel that he likes when I do that though. He rolls his hips into mine and I get impatient. I hurry to unzip his pants. He groans again and pulls me over on top of him.
I kiss down his chest now, rolling my hips, torturing him a little.
"You're-" Deep breath. "Killing." Grunt. "Me." Long moan. I love that I can do this to him. I travel back up to kiss him some more. He pulls at my hair and the sensation shoots to between my hips. I roll my hips involuntarily when he attacks my neck with his gets us both impatient to pull off his pants and his boxers. Before I sink onto him, we make eye contact and there's a softness behind the heat in his gaze that melts my heart.
Later we lay on our sides, looking at the other, hands lazily exploring.
"That was nice." Josh says. I can't help the laugh that escapes me. There was nothing nice about that. Animalistic, yes. Explosive, yes. Terrific, yes. But nice? Not so much. "What?" He's grinning at me.
"Nice?" I say with a bit of sass on my tongue.
"Okay… I can't adjective right now."
"Or verb apparently."
"Shut up. You fried my brain. It's your fault." He pouts. I giggle. "I love your laugh." Josh looks surprised when the words leave his mouth, like he wasn't meaning to say that. "God, you really did fry my brain."
"What? So you don't love me laugh?" I tease.
"I do. I just can usually avoid saying so." Josh admits.
"I can think of at least two specific times you've made fun of my laugh." I accuse him.
"Yeah. To avoid saying so." He taps his temple, alluding to his intelligence. I laugh again. A dork. I'm in love with a dork. "See. It's a great laugh." He brings his fingers to my face, outlining my lips gently before kissing me. We share a moment after, looking into each other's eyes. I wonder what he sees when he looks into my eyes.
A while later we both sat up in bed eating the cannolis Josh splurged on, him wearing the terrycloth robe provided by the hotel and me wearing his button up. We also had broken into the room service champagne that we called up in a post-orgasmic haze.
"What does friendship mean to you?" Josh asks me.
"I think when you become close friends with someone your senses of humor adjust to like a specific channel with that person. So I think friendship to me is finding the person who's just as amused as you with whatever weird specific thing makes you laugh. Does that make sense?"
"Not really." He shrugs, smiling.
"Shut up." I hit his shoulder lightly.
"You have to ask me." Josh says. I roll my eyes.
"What does friendship mean to you, Joshua?" I ask. He grabs my face and kisses the sense out of me. "What was that for?" I ask as he pulls away. He's smiling like he got away with stealing cookies out of the cookie jar.
"My answer."
"Kissing is friendship?" I sass back.
"Nooo." He says. "It's being comfortable, it's having a trust in that person that you can just be."
"So you kiss Sam and Toby like that?"
"Toby, god no." Josh wrinkles his nose.
"But Sam?" I ask, now actually curious. I'd always wondered a bit I guess. Josh hides his face behind his hands.
"We have. When a little drunk and young…" Josh trails off.
"Josh, it's okay. You don't have to be embarrassed about it." I tell him, taking his hands away from his face.
"I'm not. And I'm not gay. We were just… I don't know."
"People are bi, Joshua."
"I don't know if that's it. I know people are. I don't think I am. It was Sam. It was that time. Just getting out law school and being nowhere on the totem pole of politics. And we spent a lot of time together and it wasn't so much about us both being men rather than us just being us… But it's been more than a decade that I've felt that for Sam."
I picture an alternate reality where the two of them come to terms with their feelings for one another. The idea of a happy Josh with another person usually pinches at the sensitive spot on my heart but if he were with Sam, I think I'd be happy for him.
Josh coughs and changes the subject. "Ask the next question."
"What roles do love and affection play in your life?"
"Uh… not much until like tonight…" Josh says looking equally sheepish and proud of himself.
"That's not true. What about your mother? Your friends?" I ask.
"Well, yeah. My mother is so affectionate and loving it could blow your socks off. But friends? Not so much lately." Josh looks sad. It makes me sad.
"I'm sorry."
"It wasn't just losing you. It's Sam being in California. It's CJ and the Chief of Staff job and the wedge we swore it wouldn't drive between us. Then there's Toby." Josh rubs at his head like the mere thought gives him a headache. Josh stands. He starts ranting a bit about Toby's pigheadedness. About his attitude. About their fight during the primary when they came to the White House. About his frustration with Toby leaking information. But through all this, I think I can see the real issue.
"Josh?"
"Yeah?" He lets out an exhale as he slows his roll and stops his ranting.
"You should call him. You should see him when we go to D.C. next week."
"No. I can't! The last thing this campaign needs-"
"This isn't about the campaign." I tell him. I stand and go over to him, placing my hands around his shoulders. "It's about you and your brother. You guys need to find a way to talk through all this."
"I don't know if we can, Donna."
"You can. It's friendship, Josh."
"So that's what friendship means? Pissing each other off?"
"No but it is half of being family. Pissing each other off and forgiving each other."
"You're pretty smart." Josh says after going quiet for a minute or two.
"Thanks, boss." I smile. Josh rolls his eyes.
"I've always hated when you called me that. I especially hate it when you're wearing my shirt, this close to me." Despite his words, he's pulled me closer. I lean in close but then twirl away just before our lips meet.
"It's your turn to ask me the question!" I say. Josh rolls his eyes and sighs deeply.
"What roles do love and affection play in your life, Donnatella?"
"Well, until recently, not much." I echo his response. But then I get serious and sit down. "Honestly, even though you could argue we've always had a lot left unsaid… too much tangled up in the whole boss/assistant thing… you've always been the person most openly affectionate with me. I love my mom and my brother and my sister but we've never been affectionate. Or outwardly loving. I think it's more of an acts of service thing when it comes to loving each other. But it's different with you."
Josh has joined me on the bed and he's holding my hand by the time I finish speaking. I look up at him. His eyes are sparkling. I'm not sure if it's from the champagne or me telling him it's different with him, revealing how important he is to me.
"Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items." I read off after we share another kiss.
"Okay. Your laugh."
"That's cheating because you just said that before but I'll accept it. Your selflessness." I can see Josh wanting to argue the point but not able to get the words out. "Just accept the compliment." Josh sighs.
"Your perspective, you look at the world, at other people with empathy."
"Your voraciousness when you believe in something."
"Your resilience." He runs his thumb over my hand.
"You're going to make fun of me for a boring answer but your belief in systemic change. Like you running a dark horse candidate because you believe in politics and the system working in good faith."
"I'm not going to make fun of you." He says quietly. I think he's flattered by the answer, that he's not that that much about his motivations on a conscious level. He's been about the work, not seeing how amazing what it is that he does. "I'm going to give a work one too though now." He says in a light tone. "You're really good on camera. I'm sad Will saw what I couldn't."
"Joshua…" I don't know what to say to that. So I move on. "You love harder than anyone I've ever met. I know you think it's vulnerability but it's so much of why I…" I trail off, not meaning to say what was at the end of that sentence. He looks at me with curious eyes though. He's not going to let that go. "It's so much of why I trust you." I try to put emphasis on the word trust, convey that there's another word that should go there that I can't quite say yet. I think I see understanding in his eyes.
"You always know what to say. It's what makes you the person I want by my side when things get dark. You do that for people. You support them and make it easier."
"You're stubborn." He raises his eyebrow. It makes me smile. "You're stubborn. You have this explosive energy and you can be impulsive and messy but you're also stubborn. You're steady and resolute and you're the person I want next to me when things get dark."
And with that, we've finished that question and we share a kiss that quickly gets out of hand.
Later we've taken a shower and are laying naked in bed when I pick up the questions then put them down again.
"What?" Josh asks.
"The next questions. They'll bring us down." I tell him dramatically. He reaches around me for the questions.
"Donna, I understand why you wouldn't want to do them. We don't have to. We can wait. But I like getting to know you better. I like you being honest with me, sharing pieces of yourself that you felt like you wouldn't before."
"Okay… But only because you really can be sweet sometimes." I say and Josh rolls his eyes. "It's your turn to ask anyways."
"Ah-kay. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?" Josh asks quietly, as if he could protect by keeping volume low from my own answers.
"I'm close with my brother but I don't think I could say we're warm. And, uh, no. I'd say it wasn't happier than most other people." I answer quickly. "What about you?"
"Well, it's just my mom and I now. But my family has always been warm and close. When my dad was alive, when Joanie was. But I think after Joanie, no, my childhood wasn't happier than most people's. Before, for sure. But after… no. It was a lot of guilt and grief for being that young and I didn't know how to handle it."
I can't help but wrap him up in my arms. Our childhoods were different and happened in different decades but both filled with pain. I'm grateful that we've both made it here.
"Next question." I say eventually. "How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?"
"I mean, depends on how many voicemails I have on any given day… No, I'm kidding. I feel incredibly lucky. She's an amazing woman." He doesn't ask for my answer but gives me time to say what I need to.
"My mom and I… it's complicated. Like we don't know how to talk. We can do things for one another. Take care of each other. I know she loves me. But I think we spent a lot of time feeling things we've never healed from. I spent a lot of my adolescence resenting her for being too weak to stand up to him. But I also worried that she blamed me for him leaving. I know that she doesn't. But I was a kid who felt abandoned and I could see her loneliness and I don't know… And I think my mom feels guilty for not protecting us. So she keeps us at this distance." I don't cry this time but the sadness does well up inside me.
Josh listens intently. He doesn't offer trite words of comfort or try to distract me. He just holds me. And I think that's enough to keep both our demons away. At least for right now. We both fall asleep to the soundtrack of the other's breathing.
Please review! The end is near yall.. just one more chapter! unless.. something.. happens... (hope you enjoyed the little nugget of smut my mother interrupted my writing of it several times i tried not to blush and act casual)