Sam took her up to the Summer House because he knew she loved it up there. They didn't talk much about Abbey and that was Polly's decision, she asked him if they could leave it alone for a day. It had consumed her for too long and Polly was trying really hard to get everything back in balance. Sam was more than happy with that and was determined to spend the day making her laugh and little else; he just wanted to spend time together away from everything and everyone and whatever happened from there he was content to wait and see. He was with Polly and that was perfect as far as he was concerned.
Walking along the beach Polly looked content, she was happy to hold Sam's hand and since she had reached out to him a few weeks ago she held his hand at every opportunity, it felt safe for her and that's what she needed. They stopped at the small playground about half a mile from the house and jumped on the swings. Sam watched her closely and as she swung back and forward through the air, swinging her legs back and forth she looked happy and for those few minutes she looked free. He eventually jumped off his swing and stood in front of her and as she swung forward her grabbed her ankles and Polly squealed a little as he halted her motion but the smile lit up her face and Sam walked forward and lowered her down and then covered her hands with his as they held onto the chains. Leaning in he pressed his lips gently against hers. "I love hearing you laugh." It was a beautiful sight when she did.
"I haven't done this in such a long time."
"What swing or laugh?"
"Both."
"Today you get to do both, today you can do whatever you want."
"This is what I want." She tilted her head up and accepted a longer, slower kiss from him before he let her go, stood behind and gently started pushing her again, helping her swing through the air and let her enjoy the feeling of freedom for a little while longer before she jumped off, slipped her arm around his waist and rested her head on his chest for a few minutes before they started heading back. He was grounding her; he had stopped her spinning out of control. The hardest thing she did was reach out to him again. The overwhelming fear she had was that it would be too late and that stopped her a few times. One day he'd been at the house and she had wanted to tell him how she felt but got scared, he'd said something and she couldn't remember what it was but it had made her panic. The day she did finally give in, when she couldn't hold it in anymore it felt like a knot in her stomach had suddenly been released. Her tears felt hot and never ending as they spilled down her cheeks and he spent the day wiping them away.
It wasn't all one-way traffic though, even if lately it seemed that way. Sam could get a little too into his own head with regards to his study. He'd stress about an upcoming exam and get frustrated with people trying to talk him down or interrupt him. If he didn't know something at work he'd obsess over it if he couldn't figure it out and Polly often was the one who got him to take a step back and breath and sometimes it wasn't pretty. They seemed to be able to balance each other, they didn't always agree on things but they kept each other in check.
They hung out at the beach for a while, Sam let Polly make a mermaid's tail out of sand over his half buried body and it gave Sam a chance to just lie back, tuck his hands behind his head and watch his girlfriend enjoy herself while he could just appreciate the view. As soon as she stood up and declared that she was done and snapped a photo Sam broke free scooped her up and threw her effortlessly over his shoulder and carried her squealing to the water's edge and threatened to dump her in it. "Don't you dare?" she giggled.
"Or what?"
"Or…." Polly tried to think of something but was coming up a loss. "…Or I'll…"
"Tick, tock Pol, tick, tock." He drummed his fingers on the back of her thigh.
"I won't kiss you again."
"Yes you will." He unceremoniously dumped her in the water. Polly was quick enough and managed to keep hold of one of Sam's arms and dragged him down with her. It was the closest they'd been to each other in a while and it was hard for Sam to keep it casual as they mucked about in the water, he enjoyed being able to feel her skin beneath his fingers and when she jumped on his back and wrapped her legs around his waist and arms around his neck he could feel her body pressed against the his bare back and he found it hard to concentrate. But that's all it had been for the past few weeks, pretty casual. Sam didn't put a lot of pressure on her and was guided by her pace. If he was brutally honest it wasn't nearly quick enough for him though. Getting Polly back was one thing, moving her along was another.
Eventually they hightailed back to the house once the sun had dipped a little lower and the air started to chill quickly. Polly jumped in the shower to warm up while Sam made them a cup of tea and some toasted sandwiches. After drying off her hair she curled her feet up under herself and wrapped herself up in a rug and waited for him to come back, she let her mind wander and she was surprised that all she thought about was Sam. Recently he'd been the furthest thing from her mind but now she liked that it was him she thought about again.
She really did love this place. It was big and warm and comfortable. It felt lived in even though it was empty most of the time. It had huge couches that you could sink into, spread out on and more importantly cuddle up together on. A cracking fire surrounded by comfy leather chairs so that you could curl up with a book and a huge dining table that seated twelve. Sam had told her stories about weekends and holidays spent up here when he was growing up. The bedrooms were big and warm, with huge beds piled high with cushions and quilts and Sam had shown her his room and they'd spent some time in there before everything went pear shaped.
Luckily for Polly Sam had grown up with his brother being a chef so it wasn't just a normal toasted sandwich either, he'd made sure he had packed enough things so that he could make them something for lunch and had bought a lot of Polly's favourites. He was glad she was eating again because she had lost some weight recently and seeing her in her bikini had worried him a little.
"I need to feed you." He had commented when Polly had first stripped off down at the beach.
"You sound like my Dad." The reply wasn't exactly gushing with warmth and when she said Dad it almost made her lip curl.
"Just saying." She had grabbed her shirt and pulled it back on.
"Don't." he reached for the shirt but the way Polly glared at him certainly stopped him in his tracks, he'd over stepped the mark. Boundaries were certainly being set and some days they seemed to be right back at the beginning, today Sam took a step back, not that he wanted too but he wanted Polly more than anything so if that was what he had to do he would do it in a heartbeat. It was hard to judge where they were each day in regards to how close Polly wanted to be to him, but he was trying to read her signals. It wasn't long before she relaxed again and took off her shirt and he got to enjoy the view and despite her being a little on the skinny side he thought she was still beautiful and he held his tongue.
He handed Polly her tea and they shared the plate of sandwiches between them. Sam started talking about work and soon had Polly laughing with some of the things that happened with the animals and how he managed to get covered head to toe in shit on his first day working in the elephant enclosure.
"And man, it stinks. Like soak into your bones stink." Polly screwed up her nose and laughed. "Even in my ears. I swear it took days to get the stink off me." The thing that Sam liked the most was that her laugh reached the very corner of her eyes. It was the sweetest sound and he could have listened to it all day.
"Oh my poor baby." She reached out and patted his cheek. "Glad I didn't smell that."
Polly noticed a flash of something on Sam's face and she challenged him. "Honestly I hate that you didn't."
"Really? You wanted me to smell elephant shit?"
"No, I wanted you to be around though."
"Sorry." Polly's head sagged forward.
Sam reached out and wound his fingers through hers and bought them up to his lips, kissing them softly. They hadn't really got very close yet, he'd certainly kissed her again, a lot but that hot desperate feeling they were starting to experience before everything turned to shit hadn't returned and it wasn't because Sam didn't want it too. He did and he was anxiously waiting for Polly to let him know it was okay.
"I just missed you."
"I know." Polly leant forward and placed her empty cup and plate on the table, all the while not letting go of Sam's hand, he was watching their hands rather than look at her.
"You know what I did like?"
"Hmm." Polly rested her head on the back of the couch and continued to play with his fingers.
"Just then, you called me 'my poor baby.' I liked that, I like feeling that I am yours, I like being your boyfriend."
"I like you being my boyfriend too." Polly closed her eyes. "I feel guilty."
"Why? Polly, it's not your fault."
"No, I feel guilty being here with you."
"We aren't doing anything wrong."
"I know." He could feel her grip tighten a little and she refused to open her eyes because she could feel him staring at her and just for a moment she didn't want to see whatever he was thinking, and more than that she didn't want to see pity in his eyes or a look telling her that she was being stupid. "I feel guilty about being happy again. I feel bad, because Sam I don't want to be miserable anymore."
"Oh Baby. Look at me." Polly may not have wanted to look at Sam but he had no such qualms, he hadn't taken his eyes off her. "You know you can still feel sad for Abbey and enjoy your life too? You can still be happy and do things that make you feel good. You can still laugh, and I love to hear you laugh. We can go out and enjoy ourselves, that doesn't mean that you've forgotten anything that's happened. Okay?"
She nodded her head. "Okay." Polly smiled as Sam used the edge of his shirt to wipe the tears from her cheeks. "Will you help me?"
There was no hesitation from Sam. "Yes."
Polly surprised him by leaning forward and kissing him and the longer they kissed the closer he pulled her until she was lying on top of him. She slipped a hand under his shirt and dug her fingers into his back. "Oh Polly." He muttered against her cheek.
"What?" She tried to pull away but Sam had a tight grip on her waist.
"I've missed you."
"You smell good." Polly buried her head in his neck and breathed him in. "I just want to stay here for a bit longer."
"We can do that. What do you want to do?"
"Just kiss you."
"I thought you weren't going to kiss me anymore?"
"I lied." Polly squirmed and squealed as Sam started tickling her until she was begging him to stop.
"Tell me something you haven't told me yet."
"I'm sacred." That made Sam stop instantly, that certainly got his attention and he pushed himself into sitting position. He was expecting something a little more light-hearted.
"Nope, I already know that." He shook his head, turning it slightly to the side and waited for her to continue. "About what? You need to tell me if you want me to help you."
"Okay." Polly sat up and took a deep breath to steady herself. "I'm scared that I don't know how to have a relationship with you."
"We are already in a relationship, we have been for a while." He waved his hand when Polly looked like she was about to say something. "Despite our little hiccup." And as far as he was concerned that was all it was, a pause. "The question is Polly, do you want to be in a relationship with me?"
"Yes, God yes Sam. I do." Polly kissed him quickly trying to reassure him. This was playing into all the insecurities she had about whether she'd left it too late and that perhaps she'd missed her chance. Was he worried she was going to back out again? Maybe the damage had been done.
"Then that's what we'll do."
"But it's not easy for me right now."
"Polly, its not easy for us. I'm here too, I'm in this with you."
"What about the next part? We can't keep just doing this." Vaguely Polly waved a hand between them.
"This, what? What's wrong with this?"
"I know you want more."
"Sex?" Polly dropped her head; she didn't want him to see her anxiety. Sam curled a chunk of her hair around his finger; she used to like that. When they were just hanging out watching TV or a movie he would play with her hair and Polly never stopped him, he would do it without thinking and he was happy to do it again and see what the reaction was. He tucked it behind her ear and ran his fingers along her jaw and lifted her chin so that she had no option but to look at him.
"Polly, real talk time. I am just going to say it so there is no misunderstanding. Yes, I absolutely want to have sex with you." He held her head steady as she tried to look away, he couldn't stop her eyes darting away though so he waited and said nothing until she looked at him again. "One day, not today, or tomorrow or even next week but one day I think it will happen and I want that almost more than anything. The only thing I want more than that, is this..." He waved his hand in between them both. "…being with here with you. Spending time alone with just you right now is perfect. It's enough."
"That's what scares me, what comes next."
"Why does it scare you?"
"Because I know that you don't want to wait and every time I kiss you I will wonder if you will think that we are going to keep going."
Sam smiled just a little. "Okay. Try this. Polly I know we are not having sex today, okay?" Sam waited until Polly nodded her head in response to his.
"Okay?"
"Great, now Babe you need to kiss me."
Polly leant into him and shyly pressed her lips to his. When she pulled away Sam cocked his head and frowned, letting her know that it wasn't good enough. "No Babe, kiss me."
Suddenly she climbed into his lap, grabbed both of his cheeks and kissed him hard, it was an all in kiss and they both threw themselves into it wholeheartedly and it was a good twenty minutes before they came up for air. "See, no hint of sex."
"Well maybe a little." Polly brushed her hand quickly over his groin and giggled as he groaned and buried his head into her shoulder.
"Jeez Polly, that I can't control, sorry."
"At least I know I can still turn you on, even if I am a hot mess."
"Hot yes, a mess? No." Running both his hands up her inner thighs until he felt her jump a little. "You turn me on big time Babe, since the day I first laid eyes on you." He pressed a kiss behind her ear and nipped at her earlobe. "You float my boat everyday."
"I bet you didn't think it would be like this?" Polly shifted a little, sliding off his lap but she was still curled up next to him with her legs now draped over his thighs and while he was leaning towards her as she got comfortable in the corner of the couch and he continued drawing circles on her bare thighs.
"Like what?"
"It's been messy."
"It has." He agreed. "But it is what it is, we can't change anything now. I just want to look ahead."
"To having sex?"
"Well, that's on the list, but a lot of other things are too. I get the feeling you are still not completely comfortable with this whole sex conversation."
"Oh, I don't know. My head and my heart are saying two different things."
"Tell me?"
Polly decided it was now or never. This was the perfect time to lay it all out. "I don't want people to know what's going on between us, like whether we are having sex or not. Everyone knew about Abbey and they talked about her behind her back and bullied her. It was horrible; I am scared that will happen to me. That's in my head."
"You know who is going to know? You and me, that's it. What goes on here…" He kissed her knee; it was the closest body part to him. "..is between us. Do you trust me? I need you to trust me and believe me."
"I do." Polly crept forward and rested her head on his shoulder and they stayed like that for a few minutes.
"What about your heart?" Polly lifted her head and looked a little perplexed. "You said your head and heart are saying two different things. You've told me what your head says, I want to know what your heart says?"
"My heart?" Polly ran her hand over his chest. "My heart wants to know what it would feel like to be with you."
Sam grabbed the back of her neck and kissed her slowly until he felt her melt into his arms. "It will feel like that but a thousand times better. I know how it will make me feel, I promise I will make you feel good." He kissed her again and Polly barely knew which way was up.
When Sam pulled away Polly was the one to chase him so they could continue the kiss. Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place. He loved kissing her and all that involved but he was finding it increasingly difficult to stop. Eventually he had to push her away.
"Thank you for bringing me here today."
"You're welcome."
Sam watched his hands run up and down her legs for a bit. "Now, my turn."
"Your turn for what?"
"To tell you something." Polly had no idea what was coming and it was completely unexpected. "I don't like how you are treating your Dad right now." The moment the words left his mouth the look on Polly's face changed but he didn't regret them. Maybe he should have waited a few more weeks but he was desperate to get this show on the road again and to do that Polly needed to put everything behind her. He never expected her to forget but she did need to decide how it was going to continue influencing her life now.
"We are fine." Polly angrily pushed one of his hands away from where it was resting on her knee.
"No you are not. I don't understand it."
"What the hell would you know?" She pulled her legs away and Sam let her.
"I talked to your Dad." This was always going to be an ugly conversation and he knew Polly wasn't going to take it well but it didn't stop him though. She hugged her legs to her chest; it was a move he'd seen fairly regularly lately. When Polly went defensive she would create a physical barrier between them and he knew that any contact would be unwelcomed.
"When?"
"I went to his work, I was worried about you and I missed you."
"You just want to fuck me." Polly spat at him. While she was getting angry and agitated Sam just kept talking and tried to keep the frustration out of his voice, it didn't really work that well.
"That's not why I talked to your Dad, Jesus Polly give me some credit. If that's what all this was about do you think I would still be here right now? Could you imagine me going into a cop station and going hey Detective Ruzek I really want to fuck your daughter, but she won't even talk to me. What should I do? How'd you think that would go? I'd have a bullet between my eyes." He didn't do well at staying calm. "It's not like it's been easy for me, it's been no walk in the park. It's been fucking hard, but I chose to stay because I like being around you, you make me happy and I want to be happy with you again." He wanted to say it, it was on the tip of his tongue but he swallowed instead. Now wasn't the time, it would get lost in the moment and right now this moment wasn't a good one.
"So you went behind my back and talked about me?"
"Yes, yes I did because you wouldn't fuckin' talk to me but you know what?" he leant forward and tapped his index finger against his temple, his frustration clearly bubbling over. "I could see it in your eyes, when you finally looked at me. I could see something; I could see you begging for someone to help you get out of this fucking huge hole you were in. You don't want it to be your Dad, so let it be me? Please?"
He could see that his words had touched a nerve; they were turning over in her head. She couldn't process them all though so she tried to get the conversation back to something she thought she had a handle on. "Don't talk to my Dad about me."
"He's worried about you Pol, he hates it."
"It's none of your business." Polly jumped up off the couch.
"Don't walk away Pol." He rolled his head to the side and watched her walk out onto the deck but she didn't look back. Sighing he grabbed the empty plate and cups he took them through to the kitchen and started to wash them up and left her to cool off a little. Putting them back in the cupboard Sam decided she'd had long enough.
Polly didn't even turn her head when she heard the sliding door open. "Come inside, it's cold."
Her arms were wrapped tightly around her waist, it wasn't exactly warm out and the wind was whipping around the deck. The sun had well and truly sunk low over the back of the house and it was definitely cooler outside now.
"It's not deliberate."
Sam realised they were staying put for the time being. "You and your Dad Polly were so close. I know this was tough on you, I know you pushed people away, including me, but Polly your Dad just wants to help you. He wants to know you are okay? You should talk to him."
"I do talk to him." It was a little confronting and certainly annoying having her boyfriend call her out for how she was treating her Dad. This was not how things were meant to go, her boyfriend was supposed to be on her side. Sam had always pushed her though; he challenged her more than anyone else had. He got her to try things even though she was terrified and made her think about things she'd never contemplated before.
"No, you really need to talk to him, like you used to."
"About what?"
"Anything, everything it doesn't matter. What did you used to talk about?" He leant his elbows on the railing next to her and Polly smiled at him just a little and moved a little closer.
She nudged him. "You."
"Hmmmm, maybe not today's conversation." The thought of that made him nervous. "He probably doesn't want to hear that." He crossed his arms across his chest and turned to face her. "I know we are going to be alright. I have faith in us, but I really want you to work things out with your Dad. It's holding you back."
"From what?"
"From being happy, really happy." He rested his hand over her heart. Polly covered it with hers and then stepped into his space and found comfort there again and some shelter from the wind.
"I just couldn't stop myself thinking about what he's always said. My Dad always joked about serving and protecting but he couldn't protect Abbey and that made me angry, I know it's not fair. I worried that he wouldn't be able to protect me either if I needed him too."
"Oh God, your Dad Polly would kill anyone who hurt you, especially me." Sam honestly believed that. "He would have helped Abbey, you know he would have."
"I know." Polly stepped away from him a little and he caught the little nervous chew on her lip but she hung onto his hand, just by the fingertips. "I know this sounds stupid but I wanted to hurt Simon so bad and I couldn't so I tried to hurt my Dad instead to make me feel better about not knowing what was going on. That's dumb right?"
"Well, it's not exactly rational." Again Sam went where angels feared to tread. He didn't miss the flash of anger on her face as she let his hand drop. "But Polly that was such a huge shock for everyone, no one knew what was going on and I think you just reacted one way without thinking. It's not dumb or stupid, please don't say that, but you do need to fix things with your Dad."
"Things just got a little out of control and now I don't know how to say I'm sorry."
"I think all you have to do is go and talk to him, it's your Dad Pol. I know how much you love him and he loves you so much Polly, I see it every time he looks at you and I hear it every time he talks about you."
He could see her thinking about it but then she changed the subject slightly. He was getting used to this lately, she was still a little all over the place with her thoughts but he'd learnt just to let her run with it. "Abbey, that day she told me that all men are the same, all you want is sex and you'd move on if I didn't give you what you want." He knew exactly what day she was talking about, that had been an eye opener for him too, he had the chance that day to walk away from Polly and he didn't, he certainly wasn't going to do it now. "She also said that Dad was exactly the same and I know he has sex with Mom a lot." She was waving her hands around. "I couldn't get that out of my head."
Sam grabbed her hands to stop them when he could tell she was getting worked up again. "And yet here we are, not having sex."
"But you want too?"
"Absolutely. I know you do too. I can feel it inside you, struggling to get out. I know you felt it before." He pointed back towards the couch where they had been earlier. "That's not a bad thing Polly, you can feel happy, and you can admit you enjoyed it and want more and you can also admit that you are not ready for all that. It doesn't matter to me either way; it's up to you what you do. You know how I feel, I've been completely honest with you."
"Sam…" Polly stamped her foot nervously.
"And don't you think it's great how much your Dad loves your Mom?"
"I do." Sam beckoned her closer, kissed her lightly and squatted a little, hooked his arms under her thighs and lifted her up. Polly wrapped her legs around his waist and buried her head in his shoulder as he carried her inside and dumped her on the couch. Kneeling between her legs he hovered over her. "Your cold Baby. Let me warm you up."
"We can't… Sam." He gently rested his index finger on her lips to stop her talking.
"Right now we are not going to do anything we haven't done before, okay?" Polly nodded nervously. "Do you want me to go away?"
"No."
"Tell me when to stop." And she did, she let him kiss her, let his hands slide under her sweater and roam over her stomach and back pushing her sweater higher and higher and when she dragged her fingers down the firm muscles of his back his shirt was bunched up and the skin on their stomachs pressed together creating a sweet heat. Even Polly slid her hands inside the waist of his shorts and grabbed a handful of his bare ass as he rocked his hips against her gently for a few minutes until Polly put her hands on his hips and pushed him away.
"We should go soon." The moment Polly said that he stopped. He grabbed a cushion and rested it on his lap and he tried not to think about how close she was when she laid her head in his lap, she closed her eyes and just enjoyed the feeling of Sam running his hands through her hair. Sam let his head fall backwards and tried to concentrate on letting his body return to a less excited state. He felt they'd made a lot of progress and he couldn't be upset with that but god he was in pain right now.
They stayed a while longer and stopped for dinner on the way home in some crappy roadside diner. Sam was back to making her laugh again and Kim and Adam was delighted to see how happy she was when they finally got home. Polly had called and told them they'd be home late and they tried not to think about what had gone on up there today. It was probably better if they didn't.
Polly was happy and Sam had stopped looking like he was walking on eggshells every time he saw her, this was the girl they all adored.
Kim convinced Adam to let her take Polly away for a girls' weekend, not that she had to do much convincing, she decided that it would be good for her and he agreed. Adam wasn't the devil incarnate anymore but he wasn't exactly feeling the love either. He didn't like what it cost him but then again what did money matter when it was about the health and well being of his children? There was no price tag on that and the bonus was he got to spend a weekend alone with Gus.
So getting that text message was not what he wanted or needed.