Kim was going to kill him, of that he had no doubt. He'd learnt very early on that if her children got hurt on his watch, it was his fault. Polly had taken a tumble when she had just started to pull herself up against the furniture and ended up with a huge egg shaped bruise on her forehead and Kim had flipped and chewed Adam out. It took a good few weeks before he was trusted with looking after her again.
Even when Angus had broken his wrist in a skateboarding accident it had been blamed on Adam. He was at work at the time and copped an earful of abuse from Kim because he had 'bought him the damn skateboard in the first place.' He'd been surprised that Angus's recent run in with food poisoning wasn't blamed on him; thank god it was something he ate before she left town and not something that Adam had fed him.
So having to now call her from the Emergency Department of Chicago Med and tell her that Angus had dislocated his knee in the first game of the season wasn't exactly filling him with any joy.
Even though Gus had been playing baseball and Adam was only watching, it was going to be his fault, it wasn't going to matter if he was anywhere near him at the time or not and it was something he already accepted before he even dialled her number.
He was glad Kim hadn't been there though because it was a pretty horrific. He'd seen worse, he'd seen people who had been dead for weeks, dissolved in acid, shot in the head and all manner of different ways to die but hearing his son scream in agony and seeing his kneecap jutting out the side of his leg just about did him in. He hated seeing his kids hurt especially when there was nothing he could do about it.
The instant he'd slid into home and Adam heard the scream he was out of his seat, leaping over bleachers and the fence as everyone crowded around him at the plate. They'd called an Ambulance when it was quite obvious that Gus couldn't be moved and that the kneecap wasn't going back in on it's own. He'd looked for his Dad when a sea of faces swam before him and Adam held his hand and told them not so politely to back off because Angus was freaking out and Adam knew how it felt to have all these people up in your face when you were hurt. He just needed his dad with him and to tell him it was going to be okay.
He gathered up Gus's gear and followed them to the hospital. He did contemplate calling Kim on the way but she would yell at him, demand answers and expect him to know exactly what was happening so he decided to wait until Gus had been checked out. He was screwed either way so what did an extra half-hour really matter?
"Hey Darlin'." He cooed. If he was sounding weird, Kim was too freaked out herself to notice. He could hear noise around her so figured she wasn't home, although he was surprised she'd gone out. Kim had told him that she was staying home to get on top of some chores, it was the reason she couldn't go to Gus's game apparently but Adam knew it was because she just wanted to stay home after being on the go all week and he couldn't blame her. She had spent most of the week in a training seminar and it was just mentally exhausting.
"How did it go?" She mumbled somewhat absentmindedly and Adam furrowed his brow a little. This wasn't normal but he was just going to plough on.
"Not the greatest morning. I am at Med." Adam held the phone away from his ear waiting for the inevitable tirade he was about to get.
"Wait, what, Why? Is Gus okay?" There was a little bit of concern in her voice but not nearly as much as he expected. Funnily enough she didn't ask if Adam was okay, he doubted she cared but he was pretty comfortable with his position in the pecking order.
"He's dislocated his knee and before you drop your bundle, he's fine. We are just getting an X-ray done now."
"God Adam, What the hell happened?" He felt a little more comfortable now that Kim at least was starting to sound freaked out. "Is he okay?" He explained the play and what happened with the Ambulance and what was going on at Med. He'd had the kneecap popped back in once he got into Emergency. A good dose of morphine and was as happy as Larry right now. Once the X-ray was done and cleared he could go home.
"How long will you be?"
"Whoa, whoa Darlin' you are freaking me out."
"What? Why?" Neither of them was acting anywhere near normal.
"Well I broke one of our children for starters."
"You didn't actually break Gus, did you?" He could hear her exasperation down the phone and that was enough for him to laugh sarcastically and call her on her bullshit.
"No I didn't but usually that doesn't matter to you, so what's going on?"
"Nothing. Not much I can do about it right now."
She could try and fool him all she liked; something was up. He wasn't that stupid. "Except drive down here and demand an inquiry and my balls on a plate. That's what my wife would do? What have you done with her?"
"Try and rein in your hysteria. I am sure you are doing enough freaking out at Med for the both of us."
Now he was seriously starting to worry. This was very un-Kim like and his wife acting strange always meant that he wasn't going to like what he was about to be told. It wasn't that long ago they'd had their little late night romp right before she'd told him that Polly and Sam were sleeping together. "Well this is bullshit. What's going on? Where are you?"
"Ikea."
"Hold on, why?" Adam was more than happy to miss a trip to Ikea because he hated it more than anything, no sane man enjoyed visiting that clusterfuck of a place but it also worried him because they hadn't talked about needing any new furniture and it also usually meant he had to put it together and that never ended well. For him, the furniture and anyone within spitting distance. He did not want to spend the rest of his weekend putting together furniture and Kim refused to pay anyone to do it for them as well as refusing to help him. Ikea furniture and the Ruzek household was a heady dangerous mix.
"We are buying a new bed for Polly."
"Why?" Adam couldn't help but sound suspicious. "She's got a good enough bed. I hope you are not getting her a bigger bed?" Polly and Gus both had Queen size beds much to Adam's annoyance at the time. He'd been crammed into a single bed until he was 16 yet his kids could spread out from the time they hit 12. It was just another battle he'd lost along the way; it wasn't a short list either.
"Don't be stupid."
"Then please tell me why exactly are we buying Polly a new bed?" This was a complete surprise to him and usually things like this were discussed to within an inch of it's life until he usually relented just because he was sick of talking about it and then he was hauled from store to store for weekends on end until he lost the will to live and agreed to let Kim get what she wanted.
"Her bed is broken."
"Since when?"
"Since she broke it." Kim sighed matter of factly like he should have somehow known it was broken.
"She broke her bed?" The high-pitched tone of Adam's voice actually made the nurse walking past Angus's cubicle stop briefly. "I hope when you say she broke her bed, you mean Polly broke her bed. What the hell was she doing? Or do I not want to know? Please tell me Sam had nothing to do with it?"
"Okay, Sam had nothing to do with it."
"Are you lying to me?"
"Yes."
Basically Adam's day was going from bad to worse. Not only had he dealt with his son having his kneecap poke out at odd angles, he also was stunned to see four girls weeping hysterically at the fence as Angus was lying in the dirt and that quickly descended into some screaming match between the overly emotional teenagers. Who knew that baseball games were now the new pick up joint? Apparently Angus Ruzek was his father's son and was developing quite the following.
He had beaten off two of them at the hospital when they both appeared demanding to know how he was. Clara and Ebony were a little intense as they rushed towards him and Adam did wonder what they'd be like if he was actually seriously hurt. He struggled with his own daughter's epic tear festivals; he wasn't particularly interested in these random girls crying like their world had ended because his son was injured. The only reason he went out and spoke to them was because they were creating some kind of scene in the waiting room and refused to leave until they'd seen Gus. That wasn't going to happen so Adam went and basically told them they needed to leave and that Gus was doing fine.
Holding onto Gus's phone also revealed 14 messages of varying degrees of concern and an alarming offer to help him recover. Adam had to read that one a few times to make sure of what he'd read. This was insane. When the hell did this become a thing?
Now he had Kim telling him that Polly's bed was broken and her boyfriend was somehow involved. "What the actual fuck?"
"Adam calm down."
"Calm down. I am at the hospital beating off all manner of random screaming teenage girls who think that Gus is clinging to life; I think I've even witnessed an actual scrag fight over our son. He's quite the stud apparently, like father like son obviously." He just had to add that in. "And by the way he is jacked up to the eyeballs on morphine right now and saying stupid shit." Adam was talking at a million miles an hour and although Kim couldn't see him she could imagine that he was waving his arms around like a madman. "And now, now you are telling me our daughter was having some sexcapade with her horny boyfriend and we are now buying them a new bed so that they can continue their extra curricular activities. I am not so sure that calm down is going to work."
"They were not having a sexcapade. It was 9am."
"Because we never have sex in the morning. Was this morning that forgettable?" It hadn't taken Adam much to convince Kim to join him in the shower that morning and they'd certainly got hot and heavy pretty quickly. He'd barely been home all week and basically complained that he couldn't function properly without sex and she'd had the 'week off', not that Kim really minded. Shower sex did have its appeal and Adam certainly knew how to turn a few spare minutes into a very hot and steamy session.
"He went in to wake her up, he was in there for like five minutes."
"Again…." Adam was far from enjoying this. "Did you forget about this morning? Five minutes is long enough, he's young and probably has a hair trigger. I am sure he had it half out of his holster before he got through the door."
"What's your excuse then?" Adam certainly didn't enjoy it when the joke was on him and his lack of response told Kim he was ignoring her latest comment. "Whatever. The bed is broken and she needs a new one."
"Well Sam can help me put the new one together. That'll teach him about sexcapading in my house."
"Can you actually stop yourself over-reacting?" Kim cringed at the thought. She knew precisely how frustrated Adam got with Ikea furniture, so much so that nobody would go within a bull's roar of him when he was doing it. Sam was not going to fare well.
"No."
At least he was honest. How he managed to be so cool, calm and collected in the middle of a raid or shoot out yet be so hysterically insane when it came to his children's antics amused Kim no end.
"And what's this about a scrag fight?"
"It seems your son has about 14 fucking screaming teenage girls fighting over him. Did you know that apparently this is a thing, going to games to parade around wearing shorts so everyone can see what you had for breakfast and shaking your tits at the boys? Polly's not wearing that shit anymore. Those games are like a pick-up joint or something. It's a steaming pile of teenage sex hormones, it reeks of it." He was pacing around the tiny observation room liked a caged animal. His children were either going to send him to an early grave or turn him into an alcoholic. He was barely coping with Polly's sudden change from enjoying a hand holding sweet teenage romance to a fully-fledged sex fuelled relationship. So now he not only had a horny boy breaking furniture in a effort to throw his leg over he also had a flock of horny emotional teenage girls ready to descend on his house in pursuit of his son. He was still recovering from Polly's wild foray through her mid teens; the thought of embarking on a whole new cycle of misery was far from appealing.
"Since when?"
"That's a really good question Kim, why don't you come in here and ask him and I will take our sex loving daughter and her horny boyfriend bed shopping. How'd you think that'd go?" Suddenly the hysteria had disappeared as Adam's voice dripped with sarcasm.
"This is exactly why Polly has spent the entire morning hyperventilating."
"I can tell you one person who will be hyperventilating later on." He mumbled into the phone. "Anyway Gus is back from X-ray. I will try and beat my way through the crowd of weeping screaming hormonal teenager girls and see you at home."
"Adam." Kim waited until he grunted a reply. "Love you Baby."
"Yes Darlin'. The feeling is mutual."
"What did Dad say?" Kim went in search for Polly who was trying to decide which bed she wanted. As much as Adam was unimpressed, Kim wasn't exactly having the time of her life either, Ikea on a Saturday was bloody horrific and eventually she told Polly to choose between two and be done with it, she was not spending all day dithering about it.
"He's looking forward to putting your new bed together and is sure Sam is going to love to help."
"Noooo." Her response was probably a little more dramatic than it needed to be.
"Ahh, Polly. Dad didn't make it sound like it was an option."
"Dad will kill him. I know what he's like with Ikea stuff he always wants to use a hammer." The hyperventilating was about to start again. Kim could see exactly whom Polly inherited her flair for the ridiculous from.
"Perhaps that might be worth remembering before your next little rendezvous."
"We weren't doing anything."
"Yet. You weren't doing anything yet." Kim corrected her, she was pretty sure they weren't actually in the midst of it but things were heading that way in an awful hurry and the flushed looks on their faces was a dead give away. Lucky Adam wasn't actually home. There was a big difference between acting cool and actually being cool about it. He was taking more of a 'hear no evil, see no evil' approach to the whole thing and it was working although today might have been a bridge too far.
"Mom. Jeez."
"By the way, your Dad is at the hospital with Gus. He dislocated his knee so this news hasn't exactly made his day. That and the fact that he seems to be beating off a hoard of distraught girls, although that could be an exaggeration knowing your father, hasn't put him in the best of moods."
"Is Gus okay?"
"Yep. They should be home soon." Adam had sent her through some particularly unpleasant photos and an update that the relocation was successful, no real damage done and that he had at least six weeks of rehab ahead of him. Which would make him as grumpy as all hell, particularly if he took after his father. Adam's rehab record wasn't spectacular; he was moody, whiny and very annoying and those Ruzek genes were strong little buggers, both their kids had more than a fair dose of them.
"Gus always has girl's hanging around." Polly snorted with utter disdain. "Apparently some girls think he's cute."
"Really?" Kim was intrigued. Gus barely even mentioned a girl's name; he seemed non-plussed with it all. "Anyone in particular?"
"No, don't think so. He's a bit oblivious to it all I reckon." Polly shrugged. She tried not to spend time listening to the rumours at school about her brother, she had better things to think about. "I think there is one girl he likes. I don't know."
Oh how she longed for the days when they were cute little munchkins that they could pretend they controlled.
"So Bud, all these girls?" Adam got him back in the car without too much trouble; his fan club thankfully seemed to have disappeared. He was on crutches and the news that he was out for at least six weeks did not make him happy although he was too high to care much right now. He did tell Adam that he loved the drugs.
"What? They are embarrassing."
He did like that Angus seemed to be popular. He loved his kids; he thought they were both pretty spectacular so he was a little bit proud to see so many of his friends were excessively worried about him. "They seem pretty upset that you are hurt. I think there may be some actual fights going on between these girls."
"I swear some of them are nuts."
"I hope you aren't leading them on. That's not cool Gus."
"Dad, come on. I barely speak to them." Adam got the distinct impression that the only reason Angus was so forthcoming with information was because he was high as a kite on pain meds so he was going to strike while the iron was hot.
"So there is none that you like?"
"Olive."
"Which one is she?" It was a name that he hadn't recalled seeing. There were no messages from her and he couldn't quite recall the name of the two at the hospital but it definitely wasn't Olive.
"The only one that won't talk to me."
"You're not having sex with any of them are you?" He was only fourteen and that was way too young. Polly was seventeen and was too young in his books, not that he could do anything about that now but Adam had been 16 when he first had sex and it seemed things like this were happening younger and younger these days. He was sure Kim would have been subtler about it but she had told Adam that Gus was his responsibility to talk to and now seemed like as good a time as any.
"Fuck Dad, no."
"A simple no would have been sufficient there Gus, just saying." Gotta love the drugs and if Adam hadn't been on a rapid descent into insanity he would have found his son's enthusiastic reply amusing. "Do you want to?"
"No. I told you they are crazy. Jack did it recently and said the girl is now batshit crazy, won't leave him alone." Adam frowned. What the hell were fourteen-year-old boys doing having sex, and more to the point how old were these girls? How had this day got so far off course? He swore if he looked in the mirror right now he'd have half a head full of new grey hairs and a gazillion new wrinkles.
"Well I don't think batshit crazy is a way to talk about the girl you are sleeping with?" Adam kind of wished he'd never bought it up but all he could do know was plough on, and drink later. "Do you? It's not very nice, nor is it nice to talk to all your buddies about it. You wouldn't like people talking about Polly like that would you and you saw what bullying did to Abbey when she came back to school. I'd be pretty bloody disappointed in you if I found out you had any part in something like that."
"I didn't. He just told me. I don't want to know and I told him that. I didn't like what happened to Abbey and no one talks about Polly like that."
"Glad to hear it."
"Although you apparently are a DILF." Angus sniggered.
"What?"
"A Dad they'd like to fu….."
Adam held up his hand to stop him. "Okay Gus, I've got it. No need to elaborate." What they hell was going on today? Were they being filmed for some kind of reality TV show? This was ridiculous.
"Talk about embarrassing." He muttered. "I mean it's gross enough thinking about you and Mom doing it."
Adam cringed a little, he did recall how freaked out he was at the thought of his parents having sex, although to be fair he was pretty certain his Mom and Dad only had sex once. "I am more concerned about you Gus and what's going on with you."
"Dad I am not having sex, to be honest it sounds kinda weird and a bit gross. Like why would you want to stick it in something?" Adam gasped a little. If only he knew how good that part was but he was relieved to think they had a few more years at least but he also knew that hormones made you do crazy things and his could explode at any minute.
"This girl who sent you the message about a blow job? You know that's not cool either?"
"What, blow jobs? Not what I heard." No doubt the drugs were helping this conversation and Adam was pretty sure he was either not going to remember any of it or at least pretend it never happened, although Adam felt he was no longer going to need just a glass of whiskey, it was more like the whole damn bottle at this rate. "That's not sex anyway."
"Well they are not a bad thing..." he had to admit, he was quite partial to them on occasions, he wouldn't have been upset if they happened more often though. "...but I mean girls going around offering blowjobs to make you like them, that's not good Gus. That's not why you should do it. And it's all part of sex Bud, all of it."
"Do you still like them at your age?"
"My age?" Adam almost choked. "Jesus Angus, we are hardly nursing home bound. Put it this way, your Mom and I have been together a long time, we know how to make each other happy and let's just leave it at that." Now he was praying that he wouldn't remember because if Kim found out that he all but admitted that he enjoyed getting a blowjob she would quite likely bite it off at the next opportunity.
"Do you have to like, return the favour?" Adam couldn't believe his son was asking him this. How the hell do you answer that?
"It's not tit for tat, Angus. One doesn't necessarily lead to the other but I love making your Mom happy." Adam took a moment and looked at Angus from the corner of his eye as he drove. His eyes were closed and he hoped like hell he was asleep so he wouldn't have to answer whatever insane question he asked next. He couldn't deal with Angus asking him if his mother still enjoyed oral sex but he hoped like hell she did because he wasn't ready to give it up just yet despite their apparent advancing age.
When he did open his eyes again he seemed to be on a different tack. "Does Mom drive you crazy sometimes? Like is this what all girls are like? Did she call you all the time? Or did she play hard to get?"
"Yes, she does drive me crazy sometimes and that's one of the many things I love about her. Don't forget we were much older and more importantly we were friends first before we got together and she still calls me all the time, just as much as I call her to be honest." Hard to get? He was going to ignore that question. No Kim wasn't hard to get, but as it turned out, as much as he tried she was hard to forget.
"I really like you and Mom together."
"Me too Bud. You know if and when you do decide to have sex you've got to protect yourself and your girlfriend. I will buy you the condoms if need be."
"Do you buy them for Polly and Sam?"
Today had certainly been an eye-opener, while Angus appeared to be a little behind the eight ball with regards to the opposite sex and sex in general it turns out that wasn't the case. "Absolutely."
Although that was something else Adam preferred not to have to think about. He was comfortable that Polly was protected against pregnancy and by the constant eye rolling she did whenever they bought up safe sex he assumed that the condom message was well and truly drummed into her. "Yes Dad, we have like a bulk order at the pharmacy." Polly finally got sick of his constant asking. "They know Sam by first name now. He's got a frequent shopper card."
"Okay smart ass." He grumbled and got the hint.
Angus snorted. "I know they are having sex Dad. It's pretty obvious."
"It is?"
"Sure." He shrugged. "They are all over each other like a rash sometimes. Sam is always feeling her up and she likes it."
Fan-fucking-tastic.
Kim had finally started actually like he expected, she was freaking out. Angus had showered, somewhat awkwardly and was now set up downstairs on the couch with everything he needed when Kim got home. He had his phone, a drink, pillows, blankets and the controls to the TV and his games all within reaching distance.
He was still high and couldn't stand for long but he felt sweaty and disgusting so Adam made sure he was at least clean before his mother got home. And some point this was going to become his fault, it may take the tiniest little thing to send her over the edge but it was coming. "It's either me or your mother?" Adam told him when he started to complain about Adam being in the bathroom with him and he reminded him that his mother may not have been quite so intent on just standing back and watching. Although he didn't care back when he was as sick as a dog and on all fours vomiting that Adam was in there helping him, right now though he didn't love it "Which is it?" He agreed that perhaps his Dad was a better choice.
"Mom is going to flip out isn't she?"
"Yes."
'Why does she do that?"
"Because she pushed you out of her vagina so that gives her all the right in the world to flip out. Despite the shit you pulled regularly throughout her pregnancy she still loved you the moment you stuck your tiny little head out." Angus was very aware of how much his mother struggled through her pregnancy with him.
"What's your excuse?"
"Well you weren't exactly the immaculate conception Gus. I hope to god you do know how babies are made or what the hell do they teach you at that bloody expensive school? You know I did play quite a significant part in you being here." Adam added somewhat flippantly. He really was beyond it today, he no longer had the energy to decide what was appropriate or not. "And if I don't care your mother will have my balls in a sling."
"Sounds nasty."
"It's not ideal." He helped Angus hop out of the shower and handed him a towel. "And despite the ridiculous amount of money you cost us and the grief you and your sister cause us, quite frequently I might add we do actually like both of you. A hell of a lot."
"God Angus. Are you okay?" Kim rushed through the door, throwing her bag down and was sitting beside him in an instant and started fussing incessantly which Adam had reminded him to be patient about. This was the Kim he was used too, not that other strangely weird version from earlier on.
"I am. Hurt like hell but the drugs help. I'm glad Dad was there and not you."
"Why?"
"You would have cried."
"Yes I would and I am not at all sorry about that."
"I know, I know you pushed me out of your vagina so I have to let you freak out." While Adam had gotten used to his drug fuelled ramblings Kim was a little shocked by it. Adam had told her he was saying stupid shit but she did think he was just being his typical over dramatic self but judging by this current conversation obviously not.
"Adam." Kim bellowed but he had taken off upstairs like a rat up a drainpipe. She turned back to Angus. "What did they say about your knee?"
"Six weeks before I can play again so that's basically the first half of the season and it will take me ages to get back in the team. It's bullshit." Kim, of course knew all this from Adam but she wanted to hear it again.
Adam had been upstairs pulling apart the now broken bed in Polly's room. He did not want to know how this amount of damage occurred considering that Sam apparently was just waking her up. How the fuck did he do that? Swing from the light fitting? Body slam her? Although the thought of anyone body slamming his daughter sent shivers up his spine.
"Where is this god damn bed?" He found Kim in the kitchen making Angus something for lunch. "Where is Polly?"
"You think she wants to be here right now? I dropped her off at the shops, she wanted to buy some new sheets for her bed."
"What? Are her old sheets not good enough for her sexcapades? Did they ruin them too?" She really hoped they were going to laugh about this day later on because it was seriously crazy. He held up his hand. "On second thoughts I don't want to know."
"Adam, seriously. Let it go."
"I will not let it go. Have you seen that bed?" He was waving his arms in the general direction of Polly's room upstairs. He was looking like a madman to be honest, his hair was sticking out a right angles and he basically had a permanent scowl on his face. "They didn't just break it, it's like in tiny little pieces."
"Stop being such a drama queen."
He waved her away as he grabbed a glass of water. "Whatever. Where is the new sexcapade bed?"
"It's being delivered. It should be here sometime after four."
"Great and it takes 12 fucking hours to put together anything from Ikea so I'll be up until fucking 4am making a bed so Polly can continue bumping uglies with the boyfriend." Suddenly Sam had become 'the boyfriend' a sure sign that Adam was annoyed. When anyone annoyed him they became known as a title rather than by name. Even when Kim pissed him off she would sometimes become 'the wife'. It wasn't Sam's lucky day.
"Your hysteria is quite amusing."
"You are not helping." Finally he sat down at the table and pulled Kim into his lap and buried his head into her chest and moaned. "I want my babies back."
"I thought you couldn't wait until they grew up?"
"Yes, but I didn't think it would be like this."
"It could be worse."
"I know." And they did, while today had been a wild ride it was so much more preferable than what they had dealt with lately. This was so minor in the grand scheme of things and they had to be grateful that this was all it was. A dislocated knee, a few hormonal teenagers and a randy pair of young adults careening around their house was hardly world ending. It didn't mean they had to handle it gracefully though and Adam was proving to be anything but graceful.
Kim took Angus through his lunch and came back to make them something to eat. "What's this about all these girls or was that you being overly dramatic again?"
"No, sadly it is not. Apparently your son is quite the ladies man although he swears that they are chasing him not vice versa. The actual girl he does like, Olive is playing hard to get."
"Poor Baby."
"Poor baby nothing. He's fourteen. He asked me if you played hard to get?"
"I hope you told him yes."
"What?" Adam scoffed. "No. I told him you jumped me first. I was playing it cool and you made the first move."
"You did not?" Sadly Kim knew that would be exactly what he told him and it was the truth. When it all boiled down to it Kim was the instigator and he never let her forget it. She slid the BLT in front of him, his favourite Saturday lunch food after a game. Despite the absolute chaos of the day it was always nice to sit down for a few minutes by themselves and talk. Some weeks they didn't often get the chance and they were trying hard lately to make time for each other so right now they were making the most of what seemed like a bit of a lull. They couldn't be so lucky to think that the day was not going to get worse before it got better. After all Adam hadn't laid eyes on his daughter and her sexual deviant boyfriend yet.
"Well, no I didn't. We did have a chat about sex though."
"I am not sure if I should be happy about that or slightly concerned?" Kim had always wanted Adam to be the one to talk to their son, despite his ridiculousness at times he always treated her like a queen, as he did all the women around them and Kim would be more than happy if Angus took after him in that regard. "Now I understand the vagina comment." She poked his hand when he didn't look at her. "Well no, actually I don't. Care to explain?"
Adam just grinned and took another bite of his sandwich. "He's not having sex, thank god and does not seem particularly interested in it, thinks it's weird. He can't imagine why you'd want to stick it in anything." He mumbled through his half chewed mouthful. "He is, however learning the hard way about women because he does have this crush on Olive and she's not falling over herself to talk to him. He got no messages from her at all while I had his phone."
"Well I'll cut her. How could someone not like my boy?"
"I know, weird huh?" Adam licked his fingers slowly. "I mean he is the spitting image of me and I am apparently a DILF."
"Who the hell said that?"
"Who knows?" Adam shrugged. He did like the little tinge of green he saw in Kim. "That was one of Gus's drug fuelled confessions earlier on. I liked it." He puffed his chest out.
"You would. Fig….." Adam held up a finger to cut her off.
"Last time you called me that you remember what happened?" Oh, she did remember and it was not an unpleasant memory. 'Ah Adam….' He started panting in a scene reminiscent of 'When Harry Met Sally' until Kim warned him to stop. "Anyway, there is only one mother I'd like to fuck." He winked at her and Kim rolled her eyes at him but she liked it, she liked it when he was a little rough around the edges.
"Getting back to Gus. Was it really that bad?"
"Well, there was an actual gaggle of them crying at the ground and a bit of pushing and shoving, maybe even some hair pulling. Two rocked up to the hospital, again they were crying and his phone blew up with messages and one kindly offered to nurse him back to health and being a horny teenage girl obviously desperate to get into his pants the offer wasn't exactly G rated."
Kim actually let her head fall forward and banged it lightly on the table. "Oh God."
"And that may have led to a conversation about blow jobs." Adam knew he should have stopped right there but he didn't. "He asked me if I still like them at my age and…." He took a breath "…and if you had to return the favour."
"For Fuck's sake Adam." Kim rocked her head from side to side and she could actually imagine Adam stumbling through that conversation and saying something wildly inappropriate.
"Now who's freaking out?" He laughed and patted her head.
"What did you tell him?"
Adam leant forward and whispered seductively in her ear. "That I love getting a blow job from you and I adore the taste of you on my lips."
"You did not." Adam could see the faintest hint of a smile.
"Of course I didn't. It's true though." He had to laugh as she banged her head again. "I actually think they separated us on purpose. The old divide and conquer ruse."
Kim flicked his hand away as he licked his finger and stuck it in her ear. "I am not sure Gus deliberately dislocated a knee so he could talk to you about your fondness for blowjobs and so that Polly could get away with breaking her bed trying to have a quickie with her boyfriend. Seems a little extreme don't you think?"
"Wouldn't put it past them. Sneaky little shits."
"Your flair for hyperbole is impressive."
"Says the woman banging her head against a table." He deadpanned the response and when Kim finally lifted her head they both looked at each other and burst out laughing. You wouldn't read about this shit. He beckoned her closer and Kim leant across the table and accepted his sweet kiss. "I love you Darlin'."
When Polly sent Kim a message asking her if it was safe to come home Adam grabbed her phone and sent her a photo of her bed in tiny pieces on the back lawn. He handed the phone back to Kim and disappeared back upstairs just as it rang. "Dad is mad?"
"He's not mad. He's messing with you although the longer you two hide from him the worse he is going to get."
"Has he got a hammer or a gun?"
"No Polly. He does not have a gun." The hammer, well that was a different story because he did take to the broken bed with a hammer when he was trying to get it apart to take downstairs and had little time or patience to even attempt to do it properly. He was acting like an idiot; a completely harmless idiot and Kim just stood back and let him go. "Also he is in your bedroom right now so you better hope you don't have anything lying about that you don't want him to see. A half empty jumbo box of condoms might just tip him over the edge."
"Can you stop him?"
"Sadly no Polly I can't. You know what he's like."
"You have to tell him we weren't doing anything."
"No, you have to convince him. I suggest you come home Polly, sooner rather than later."
Kim had to laugh when they both appeared and Sam offered to head up to help with the bed. Polly wasn't quite so keen and tried to talk him out of it and Kim did ask him if he had any requests for his last supper. That bought a sharp look from Polly as Sam sucked it up and headed upstairs looking very much like a prisoner on death row. He knocked lightly on the doorframe. "Hey Adam. I am here to help."
"So you should." Adam glared at him before standing up, leaning out the door and screaming down the stairs. "Polly Elizabeth Ruzek. Get your skinny little butt up here." Sam tried to back out of the room but Adam blocked his path. "Stay." He growled.
"Care to explain to me why I am here putting together this stupid bloody bed for you?"
"Dad, it was an accident."
"What? Did you take a run up or a flying leap or something? Was this some kind of weird assed WWF move?" He was now looking directly at Sam who seemed to have shrunk about a foot in the last few minutes.
"Not exactly. No."
"Dad, it wasn't Sam's fault." Polly leapt to his defence because he looked like he was about to vaporise.
"Oh so he wasn't participating in this little sexcapade?"
"What's a sexcapade?" Polly sometimes needed just to nod and keep her mouth shut when her Dad went on a rampage. In moments like this Polly needed to be a little less of a Ruzek.
"That is whatever you two were doing in here that managed somehow not just to damage furniture but to smash it into pieces." Adam waved his arms dramatically in the direction of the million pieces of bed lying on the floor in front of him.
"To be fair Dad, I think the hammer did that." Sam was pretty well mortified that Polly actually tried to make a joke. He was finding nothing amusing about this at all.
"And while we are at it, I had a lovely chat to your brother today who informed me that not only does the boyfriend.." he glared at Sam and waved one hand in his general direction."…like feeling you up constantly, you seem to get your jollies from it too." He was now looking directly at Polly who cringed a little. "So, can I please ask, for my own sanity that you try and control yourself around Gus?"
"Well Gus needs to stop sneaking around and spying on us, it's creepy." They both heard Sam gasp. He really wished he could leave and that Polly would stop arguing back with her Dad. This was not going to end well for him.
"Really Polly? You want to discuss this some more?" Polly shook her head. "You can go." He pointed down the stairs.
"I think I will stay."
"No, you can go. The boyfriend and I will be fine up here. Go and help your mother with dinner." Polly just shrugged at Sam who was looking utterly terrified and the fact that her Dad kept calling him 'the boyfriend' was not lost on Polly.
"His name is Sam."
"I know what his fucking name is."
"Adam, you are being a bit of a dick." Adam glared at Polly. He hated being called Adam by his kids, particularly right now when she was being a smart ass and he knew Polly was doing it to get a rise out of him, and it was working. If he wasn't going to use Sam's name Polly was going to push his buttons by calling him Adam. She was her father's daughter after all.
"Polly, please stop." Sam hissed desperately, all he wanted to do was get this over and done with. He did not need a lecture about sex from her father nor did he want to be unwelcome in their house and he certainly did not need Polly making things worse for him. Polly just ignored him and waved her hand flippantly in his direction.
Adam jammed his hands on his hips and looked like he was about to explode. "Excuse me?"
"Sorry." She smirked. Sam was seriously considering just running. "Dad, you are being a bit of a dick." She repeated smarmily. Adam growled something unintelligible and Polly finally got the hint. It was time to stop riling her Dad up and leave while there was still hope for them both. Sam had been freaking out all day about facing up to her father; this wasn't helping him.
"I am sorry Ad…..Mr Ruzek."
"Adam is fine." He grunted back. "Now read this." He shoved the directions into his hands "And help me get this finished because me and Ikea furniture have kinda a hate/hate relationship a bit like you and I at the moment to be honest."
They worked in silence for a while which for Sam was probably worse than being yelled at. While he didn't actually think that Adam would yell at him but it was obvious he wasn't happy. Sam had tried to start a few conversations but a quick glance from Adam shut them down pretty quickly. It wasn't until they had finished that Adam finally said anything other than hand me this piece or that piece and Sam did get alarmed at one stage when the hammer did make an appearance.
"Try not to break this bed." He muttered as he shoved few bits of rubbish in his hands. "Next time it's a blow up mattress on the floor." And as Adam trudged down the stairs Sam could hear him still muttering away. "Although knowing my luck you'd pop the fucking thing."
Polly's eyes darted towards both of them as they came down the stairs. Adam headed into the kitchen for a beer while Polly followed Sam outside as he went to get rid of the rubbish. "What did he say?"
"Nothing."
Polly could not imagine her father being able to keep his mouth shut. It was like a disease with him. "Come on Sam. What did he say?"
"Not much, just to try not to break this bed. You didn't help though did you? Stirring him up. Jesus Polly, way to have my back."
"He's just screwing with us." He couldn't believe Polly actually laughed. That past hour was pure torture, there was nothing remotely amusing about any of it.
"And doing a bloody good job of it too."
Over dinner Adam made one comment about the bed. There was kind of a delicate peace going on but that one comment sent the whole fragile façade crashing down and Adam had no one to blame but himself. "I think you'll find that few crooked screws we put it will actually make the bed squeak like all buggery. Just so you know."
"Ha, that's so we can all hear them having sex." Angus blurted out. "I bet Sam likes blow jobs." Now this was the very definition of awkward and just when they thought the day couldn't get any worse Angus managed to bring it crashing to a new low.
"Angus." Kim just about died on the spot. "Enough." She was mortified, however not as mortified as Polly and Sam currently were. All the air had suddenly been sucked from the room and nobody said a word. Except for Angus, he was on a roll.
Polly spluttered and half a mouth of food shot out across the table. "You should really try harder and learn how to swallow." Angus added unhelpfully, grinning like a Cheshire cat and having the time of his life in his drug fuelled haze. He was seriously as high as a kite again having taken some more pain medication just before dinner.
"Shut the fuck up Angus." Polly snarled.
"Both of you shut up." Kim warned them while Sam just sat there praying that the ground would open up and swallow him.
Adam laughed; he couldn't help himself until the realisation hit him. It was bad enough thinking of his son getting a blowjob, the visual of his daughter participating in one was way too much for him to handle. Especially since the boy who was no doubt the beneficiary of them was sitting right there at the table. Sam was just looking horrified, it had been nerve wracking enough facing her parents when they found out they were having sex, this was way, way worse.
Polly was barely breathing and she was so flushed in the face they did momentarily think she was going to pass out from lack of oxygen. Adam groaned, yep he wasn't the only one at that table who had the pleasure of good head and that was not a particularly comforting thought.
They also guessed there was no way Angus was ever going to be able to conceal drug use from them because it gave him a case of verbal diarrhoea and if it wasn't such a mortifying conversation it would have been funny.
Polly and Sam couldn't get out of there fast enough and he did mention to Polly as they were leaving that he might just struggle to 'get it up' anymore around her place. Polly groaned and buried her head in his shoulder as he drove to the party they had on. "Your family Polly, Jesus. I don't know whether to laugh or cry."
"My Dad is insane."
"Today, yes he seems a little insane." He agreed.
Polly still couldn't believe what had been said that at the dinner table and she wasn't looking forward to even looking at her Dad tomorrow. "And Angus, if he wasn't already injured I'd break his legs."
"Can we not talk about it again tonight?" Sam wasn't even sure he could show his face in her house again. "And just so you know, we are not having sex tonight."
"Fantastic." Polly groaned. "What about a blow job?" she looked at him cheekily and they both burst out laughing. It had been a weird day and one they hoped wasn't repeated for a very long time.
"Kim Darlin'." Adam crawled into bed well after Kim had. "Today was not awesome." She had to agree and they were pretty sure neither of them came out looking rational at the end of it.
Adam snaked his arms around his wife, slipping one hand underneath her tank top and started kissing her neck. Kim tilted her head back a little to give him better access. "And you think you've earned a sexcapade."
"Nobody can sexcapade like us."
She rolled over and wasn't surprised to find she didn't have to worry about Adam stripping off; he'd come to bed prepared. "I don't think we've actually ever broken furniture though."
"No but there was that vase and photo frame and that time we knocked the picture off the wall." Kim ran her fingernails down his back making him groan a little in anticipation. "I am not sure my mother has ever figured how that got broken."
A/N: Sorry I know that was a little long. I did write this while I was drinking wine watching a giraffe give birth, I may have got carried away. Hope you enjoy it anyway.