"Are you ready?" Adam stuck his head into Polly's room, his jacket swinging from his fingertips. Sam took the opportunity to leave them alone and headed downstairs. He'd stayed again last night and Adam was slowly getting used to him being here more often than not. The kid had earned his respect; he'd done everything they'd asked of him and more. Adam couldn't help but think the reason Polly was doing so well was because Sam was here.
He certainly didn't mollycoddle her and they'd heard him calling her on her shit. Initially it annoyed Adam but Kim held him back and told him to just stay out of it. Polly obviously responded to it and it was nice to watch her deal with him, listen to him and come out a little stronger and more determined because of it. Sam had been good for her and right now they were glad he was around.
Perhaps Adam would never know that Sam was one of the reasons Polly came back to him that night and started talking to him again. Their relationship and bond had gone from strength to strength since then and Sam played a huge role in that. He pushed her, questioned her and told her some home truths. Polly had been pissed, she'd pushed him away but he got through to her and he supported her and this time she had turned to both of them when her world was in tatters.
She was perched on the edge of her bed and was clutching a piece of paper in her hands. "I don't think I can do it."
Adam came and sat next to her and gently placed his hand over her shaking ones. "You wanna know something?" Adam nudged her shoulder with his. "I believe you can. I believe in you."
"What if I cry?"
"So what?" he shrugged. "I will be."
"Yeah?"
"Of course." He nodded. "Polly, it's okay to cry. It's okay to be sad. Abbey meant so much to you; it's okay to let people see that. If you want I will come up with you and help you, you just let me know."
"I want to try to do it myself."
"Okay." He squeezed her hand and pressed a little kiss on her temple. "We need to get going."
After careful thought, a talk with Sam and a long conversation with her Dad she decided not to view Abbey's body before the funeral. Up a few days ago she had been determined to do it. It was the hardest decision she had ever had to make.
"Hey Sweet Pea." Adam heard her come down stairs. He was nursing a glass of scotch and just trying to catch his breath. The last few days had been some of his toughest, Gus worried him and he just hated seeing Polly struggle so much but he was proud of the way she was fighting against it all.
He wasn't home when Polly lost it but Kim had tearfully told him how she struggled to pick up their heartbroken daughter. She had walked past Polly's room and was surprised by the crashing noises she heard. Knocking lightly on her door Polly didn't answer but Kim went in anyway when she heard her anguished cry. Her room was trashed, her entire wardrobe was on the floor and Polly was sitting in the middle of it, tears streaming down her face. Kim's heart broke when she looked up at her mother and sobbed. "I don't have anything to wear to a funeral." This was not supposed to happen to a seventeen year old, she should have been crying about having nothing to wear on a date, not to bury her best friend.
"Oh Baby." She pushed a pile of clothes out of the way and sat down on the floor, enveloping Polly in the fiercest of hugs as she cried. "Let it out Baby." They knew she'd cried with Sam, he'd told them that but so far they hadn't seen a lot of it, not this devastating gut wrenching sobbing she was doing right now.
"I don't have anything blue, I need to wear blue." Blue was Abbey's favourite colour. She loved lying on the grass on a hot summer day and admiring the blueness of the sky, she thought it looked pure and peaceful. When they had giggled about their dream wedding Abbey declared that she would wear blue, and her bridesmaids would wear blue and if she had a baby girl she'd dress her in blue. All those dreams were shattered and lying in tatters around Polly was the memory of that and the realisation that Abbey's dreams were never going to come true.
"We can get you something blue."
"Mom, I don't think I can do this. This is too hard."
"Polly Baby, I know sweetheart. I know you heart is broken and I want to fix it but we can't Baby. This happened, this is happening and you are doing so well."
"I don't feel like I am."
"You are."
"Nobody else seems to be like this." She twisted her hands tightly together and Kim hated seeing how anxious she was.
"Oh Baby." Tucking a curl of hair behind her ear she rested a hand on her daughter's damp cheek and felt her lean into it a little. "We are, we all are. Everyone handles things differently but there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Look at Gus, he went and got drunk because it was all too hard. Your Dad, Polly baby the day Abbey died he was sitting on the floor in the kitchen and he was so devastated that he couldn't breathe. Sam is trying really hard to be strong for you but your Dad spent a lot of time talking to him to calm him down, he was so upset that you got hurt the other day. Everyone is struggling Polly."
"What about you?"
"Every night Baby, your Dad is there for me every night. When it goes dark and quiet he wraps his arms around me and lets me cry."
"I miss Sam." Polly buried her face in her hands.
"I know you do." Kim grabbed her hands and pulled them away from her face. "He's still here Polly, he's here every morning and every night." While Sam had gone back home and back to school he still did come and take her to school in the mornings and would come over in the evenings. He would sit and study while Polly lay on her bed often staring into space and he would stay and cuddle her until she fell asleep. "You know he can't stay."
"I do, I just miss him. I wake up in the middle of the night and I feel like something is sitting on my chest and I wish he was here, like Dad is for you." She smiled sadly through her tears at her Mom. "I called him last night, about 3 I think."
"And?"
"He would have come over if I asked him too. I thought Dad would get mad though but I just needed to hear his voice, he told me he loved me."
"Why wouldn't he? You're loveable."
"I'm a nightmare. He's put up with so much shit from me. I don't know why he's still hanging around." Polly sat up a little straighter and tried to laugh but it was obviously strained.
Kim leant forward and kissed her forehead. "Ah, because he adores you. We all do."
"I'm scared he's going to leave me."
"Has he said something? What makes you say that?" It was seriously the last thing they needed right now. Kim certainly never got the impression that Sam was looking for a way out, and while they loved him that would quickly dissipate if he bailed on Polly right now. Adam would probably kill him.
"No nothing, I think I am just scared that he'll get sick of me crying all the time. He doesn't like people who are too much drama, that's why he didn't like Abbey at the start because she was too much and look at me, I am drama 24/7 right now." As much as she was trying to make a joke Kim could see right through her, Polly was hurting and stress just kept piling up.
"Polly, there is a difference between drama for drama's sake and what's going on here right now. And even with what happened with Abbey, there was a reason and I know Sam understands that. You know your Dad hates overly dramatic people too, people who make every little thing into a big deal and want everything to be about them all the time. People who keep going back for more when they know its bad news, those types of people are drama and hard to be around because nothing you do makes any difference. You are worth it, Sam thinks you are worth it."
"I know, but I still worry he'll get bored of all this." She waved her hand around her room.
"I'll tell you what I think. Firstly Sam is so in love with you, anyone with two eyes can see that. Secondly, a week ago how much fun were you having together? This is a bump in the road; he's not going anywhere anytime soon. You will have some rough patches; it's never smooth sailing when you are in love with someone. It's hard Polly, sometimes it's hard to see through all the crap and some days you just don't like them all that much, but you still love them and that's why you fight. Do you want to fight for Sam? Do you want him to fight for you?"
"Yes."
"Then do it Baby. Tell him all this, tell him how you feel. Tell him you are worried. I think he'll tell you that you have nothing to worry about." Kim had to wipe away more of her tears. "If he called you in the middle of the night because he was upset or worried what would you do?"
"Tell him how much I love him, I'd help him."
"Because you love him right?" Polly nodded as Kim pushed herself up off the floor and held out her hand for Polly. "And Polly, you know your Dad and I, sometimes we look at you and Gus and think, 'wow' look what we did, we made these two beautiful human beings. We are so proud of you. We are in awe of you and how amazing you are." Polly smiled weakly and enjoyed her mother's arms around her. "Now, let's go shopping. You need a new dress."
"Dad will flip."
"Yes he will, and then he will pay the bill because that's what he does."
Adam did flip when he saw the bill for Polly's new outfit, he grumbled something about needing to catch some overtime and then hugged his wife and nodded when Kim whispered in his ear why she did it.
"Can I taste that?" Polly nodded at the glass in his hand.
"Sure." He handed it to her and watched and laughed as she coughed and screwed up her nose as she took a sip.
"Dad, that's nasty." She handed him back the glass and he put it on the table as she curled into his side.
"Yes it is."
"You and Mom always look like you enjoy it."
"We do. I am glad you don't though." Polly screwed up her nose again and Adam put one finger on his lips. "Shhh, don't tell your Mom." Particularly after Gus's nonsense on the weekend Kim would have a fit if she knew that Adam gave Polly some alcohol. They were different kids though and Polly was smarter in that regard, he certainly didn't have the same concerns for Polly and underage drinking as he had for Gus.
For a while she was quiet but Adam enjoyed the peace and he loved having Polly here with him, Sam had replaced him to a degree but she was still his baby girl. He could feel that she was here for a reason but until Polly was ready to tell him what it was he was happy to sit and wait.
"Are you okay Dad?" It was nice that she was thinking about someone else, lately Polly had been pretty internally focussed. They couldn't blame her, this was a huge deal for someone so young and they certainly had been more worried about what was going on with Polly than themselves lately.
"Yes Polly, I am. I am worried about you though."
"I'm okay." This conversation was certainly helping Adam feel better.
"You know you can say that you are not okay, there is nothing wrong with that."
"I think I am going to be okay. I don't want Friday to come but I just want to get it over with. That doesn't make sense does it?"
"Yes it does. It makes perfect sense. Saying goodbye to someone you love is hard and it hurts but it also means that you can start to move onto the next part."
"The next part?"
"Living again Polly. You need to start living again. We all do."
Polly didn't answer him; she just rested her head on his shoulder. After a while Adam decided to break the silence even though he was really enjoying the peace and quiet and the fact that Polly seemed so calm. The last few days she had been anything but calm, they had seen every emotion possible sometimes in the space of a few minutes. "Have you decided what you are going to do tomorrow?"
"No." She sat up and crossed her legs facing her Dad. "I mean I thought I had but now I am not sure."
Adam tucked her hair behind her ear. "What aren't you sure about?"
"I think I want to remember Abbey from that weekend in New York." That comment that her Dad made back on the day Abbey died that perhaps it was better to remember Abbey when she was happy had stayed with her and she just couldn't shake it. She still struggled with the decision though.
"That's not a bad thing Pol, that was a great weekend for both of you."
"Do you think she'll look different now?"
"Maybe. You know when your Pops died I didn't think twice about seeing him but then I regretted it. He was in uniform and that made it all too real for me. I wear that uniform and so does your Mom and his hair didn't look quite right and I never forgot it. It still gets to me." Bob Ruzek had died when Polly was eight and it had been such a shock. He was fine one day and gone the next. While Adam hadn't been close to his Dad when he was younger when he had become a cop his Dad was his biggest supporter. He loved being a grandfather and tried to make up for being an indifferent father to Adam when he was small by being a doting Pops to Polly and Angus. They adored him and he spoilt them rotten. He'd take them away for weekends and always jumped at the chance to spend time with them and would turn up at anything they had going on.
Polly couldn't really remember her Pops all that well, but she did remember that he was fun. The only memory she had of him dying was that her Mom and Dad were sad. It was another thing her Dad didn't talk about much; he talked about his Dad but not about him dying or his funeral. She thought that she knew her Dad pretty well but now that she was getting older gradually she was learning more and more about what made him tick. He wasn't just a 'Dad' he was this pretty awesome guy.
"So you don't think I should do it?" Polly just wanted someone to tell her what to do. Sam wouldn't and now neither would her Dad.
She had talked to Sam about it but he had never had to make that decision. His grandparents were still alive and no one especially close to him had died. He'd never even been to a funeral so he had no idea what he would do in that situation. They'd stopped on the way home from school for a coffee; while Polly hated it Sam was the complete opposite so they grabbed a take-away coffee for him and a hot chocolate for Polly, Sam didn't even need to ask what Polly wanted, he knew what she'd have and she really liked that. They just walked for a while in comfortable silence. "What would you do?"
"About what?" Sam had a tight grip on her hand and was just trying to enjoy the next hour or so. He'd found that when they were at home Polly got a little intense about the whole situation they were in but when he took her out she seemed to let it go and just enjoy the fresh air and being outside.
"Abbey, would you go see her?"
"No." Sam thought that Polly was asking him to go and see her and he didn't think that was right. They were barely friends and while he hated what had happened to her he didn't feel close enough to her to want to see her body, not even if Polly asked him too. He wasn't afraid to say no to Polly and wasn't the type of person who said yes to everything just to please or impress someone. "I'll come with you if you want to see her but I am not going to."
"Do you think I should?"
"It's not my decision."
"I know it's my decision." Polly tried to pull her hand away but Sam didn't let go. "I was just asking for your opinion. If you're not interested in listening to me then just tell me."
He stopped and tugged on Polly's hand when she tried to keep walking and pulled her back to face him. "Sorry, I thought you were asking me to see Abbey?" It was a little challenging some days to figure out which way Polly was going, her mind could pinball around from one topic to another on a good day, let alone when she was stressed to the max and so emotional.
"Would that be so bad?"
"No, but Polly I wouldn't feel right about seeing her, she wasn't my friend."
"I know you didn't like her?"
"I didn't like some of the things she did to you at the start, the way she treated you, that's true." He shook his head when he could tell Polly was about to give him both barrels. "I now know there is a reason why, but you've got to admit at the time it was pretty awful. She was your friend, your best friend and if you need to see her then I will go with you and wait outside for you. As to if I think you should, no I don't but that's me being selfish."
"Selfish?"
"I don't want things to be like before." Polly cocked her head a little; she didn't understand what he meant. "I am scared you'll push me away again."
"I won't, Sam I promise. I need you." She buried her head in his chest and wrapped his arms around his waist. "I don't want to do this without you."
"Polly, I'm not going anywhere. You do what you need to do."
"Her Dad wants me to go. They'll hate me if I don't."
"Do what you need to do, for you. I don't really care if they hate you, just don't hate yourself." Sam kissed her forehead. Sam was one step back from it all so his only concern was about Polly and how it would affect her. That's all he cared about. Polly worried what other people would think about her decision and it was hard to get her just to focus on herself and what she wanted. This had to be about what was right for her. "And me, don't hate me." He chuckled lightly.
"You, hate you? Not likely."
Polly was better prepared to handle her Dad's answer now because she could better understand why everyone was worried about her, didn't make it easy though. Adam shook his head. "I can't tell you what to do Polly, it's up to you. Whatever you decide your Mom and I will be with you, okay?"
"Do you think her parents will be upset if I don't go?" She had grabbed a cushion and sat in her lap and hugged it tightly. Polly didn't want to let anyone down.
"That shouldn't matter. This is about you Polly; please remember that. I want you to do what is best for you. You have to live with this decision for the rest of your life. If you decide to go you can never unsee it; if you don't you can't change your mind. Right now, this is the biggest decision you have to make and Sweet Pea you have to make it on your own. Nobody can make it for you." He could see her starting to shake.
"I asked Sam."
"And what did he say?"
"Same as you. That is was my decision and I need to not worry about other people and worry about my self." She squeezed her eyes shut and Adam waited. "Dad, I don't want to see Abbey." It broke his heart to see the tears streaming down her cheeks and he placed both hands on her cheeks and tried to catch them all.
"That's okay Polly, that's okay."
Eventually she stopped crying and wiped her face and looked at her Dad. "About Sam." she said simply, changing the subject quickly. The decision was made, she'd put it out there and her Dad told her it was okay and she needed to stop thinking about it.
"What about Sam?"
"You let him stay." They hadn't really talked about why her Dad let him stay.
"Yes we did."
"Thank you." She leant forward and kissed her Dad on the cheek. "He was really sweet. I loved having him here; he just helped me. I felt so out of control, I could feel myself slipping back to how I was before, when all this started with Abbey and I didn't want to be like that again but I didn't know how to stop it, Sam did, he just held me and made me stop and breath a little bit. Dad, I needed him." Adam was impressed that she had such a good grip on her feelings and emotions and what she needed to do to help herself. She'd learnt something, through all this shit, she'd learnt a lot about herself and his heart was full of pride for her; she was his superstar.
"I'm glad." Adam touched her cheek, catching a stray tear on his thumb. "You are a lucky girl."
"I know. I am lucky because of Sam but more than that I am lucky because I am a Ruzek."
"Being a Ruzek is a good thing. Especially in this house."
"Can he stay tomorrow night?" How did he know this was coming? To be fair Abbey's funeral was going to be a rough day for her. They had opened a can of worms by allowing Sam to stay when Polly was at her worst. They were grateful for everything Sam had done for them and for Polly but was it fair to stop it now, was it fair to say it was okay then but not anymore? They were kids technically but in a matter of weeks and months they would be adults and at the end of the day they couldn't stop them having a relationship. Wasn't it better that they had that in the safety of their homes? In a place were they knew they were safe, surrounded by people who loved them and could support them.
He told her that he would talk to her mother and Sam's parents and let her know.
Kim called Sam's mum the next day and they decided to allow Sam to stay the night before the funeral, knowing full well that it also meant he'd stay after it as well. None of them were surprised by the request, although Sam hadn't bought it up with his parents. Polly had told him how much she loved having him with her and he really did like waking up next to her in the morning. They weren't quite sure how they were going to manage it in the future but he hoped that they had many more nights together and when it wasn't all about hurt and anger and grief.
After the funeral and the dust settled a little they would get together with Sam's parents and have a discussion about what the ground rules were going forward. Polly also needed to understand that just because they would allow Sam to sleep over or Polly to stay at his house that didn't mean that if this relationship ended it wasn't a given that the next boyfriend would be granted the same leeway. It was not open slather.
Gus had been surprised to see his Dad leaning against his truck outside of school a few days after the whole drinking saga. The last thing he needed was his Dad checking up on him, it had the potential to make things worse for him.
"Hey Bud." Adam nodded at his son and smiled at the girl he was talking to. She smiled back but quickly scuttled off before Adam could introduce himself.
"You don't need to pick me up Dad, I know I have to go straight home." He threw his bag in the back of his Dad's truck and climbed in.
"I know you would." Adam jumped in. "I thought we'd go hit some things. I feel like hitting something."
"Bad day?" Gus knew that his Dad often went to Antonio's boxing gym when he needed to let off steam. They'd been a few times together but not for a while and boxing wasn't really his thing so eventually Adam stopped trying to make him like it. His Dad needed to stay fit and strong for his work and he did remember having fun running around here when he was smaller with Lucas wearing gloves that were far too big for them. Gus much preferred when they went running together.
"Bad few days Gus."
"I guess I didn't help?"
"It wasn't great Bud. I really wished you'd said something. I want to help you."
"I know; I'm sorry Dad."
Adam ruffled his hair and chuckled as he tried to dodge out of the way. "I know Bud. Say, who's the girl?"
"Just a friend."
"She's pretty." The death stare that he got told him in no uncertain terms that this conversation was not going anywhere. It was not like the drug fuelled ramblings that Adam had the privilege of enduring back when he thought all this crap was in their rear vision mirror. That whole episode seemed like a walk in the park compared to this.
Adam let Gus lay a few punches on him and did his best to avoid hitting his son, although he did knock him on his ass when Gus held the bag for him and got a little distracted watching what was going on the ring rather than what his Dad was doing. They stopped and Adam grabbed a coffee and Gus a shake on the way home. "Thanks Dad." He wasn't just thanking him for the drink. He really did enjoy the time they'd spent together and his Dad didn't really try and lecture him about the weekend, which he was fully expecting.
"Anytime Gus. Just say the word."
Kim loved how happy they both seemed when they got home. Adam had caught Kim briefly in the District between his comings and goings and told her that he was going to pick Gus up and spend some time with him. Kim loved how much he was tyring to figure out how to help Gus and show him how much he cared and that they weren't angry with him. If this didn't work she wasn't sure Adam would cope. This was as much for Gus's well being as it was for Adam's but Kim had faith in both her boys and judging by the mood when they got home it seemingly went well.
He still had his chores to do and his computer was taken away but his parent's weren't angry with him. They were disappointed and he hated that he did that, he hated letting them down.
Polly stood in between her parents. She held her mother's hand tightly and her Dad's hand was on her back as they led her into the church. Walking in just behind them was Sam and her brother.
Kim had shed a few tears when she saw Polly wearing her grandfather's ring on a chain around her neck. It wasn't just that it was Adam's father ring that bought a tear to her eye it was the fact that it belonged to Gus now and he had given it to his sister to wear. They'd know that Gus had gone in to talk to Polly last night but Adam and Kim had no idea what had gone on, obviously he had given her this to wear but they would probably never know why he did it or what they talked about and that was okay.
When Adam saw it he had to take a deep breath and turn away. With every single passing day these two continued to blow them away.
While Adam and Kim sat either side of Polly in the church with Angus next to his Mom, Sam sat behind her and watched her every move. His eyes never left her face as she got up to speak about Abbey. She was amazingly calm and spoke beautifully about her friend and while Adam was prepared to go and stand up there with her she didn't need it. A few times her voice shook and she just took a deep breath, closed her eyes for a moment and continued on. When Polly sat back down both her parents embraced her and Sam rested his hand on her shoulder, he leant forward briefly and kissed the back of her neck and he knew that Polly felt it. It was a bittersweet moment, Polly's head was bowed and her parent's each rested their foreheads on hers and with their arms around her back they not only comforted Polly but also each other. Angus leant across his Mom and Kim covered his hand with hers as it rested on his sister's leg. This family were tight, when the shit really hit that fan they rallied around each other and then they surrounded themselves with a tight web of friends.
Adam honoured Murray's request, much to Janice's annoyance initially to be one of the pallbearers so Sam stepped up and took his place beside Polly and reached for her hand. She curled her fingers tightly around his at the top of the aisle and he didn't leave her side all afternoon. He was there when she cried, he was there when she laughed and he was there when she just needed someone to steady her. He also stayed beside her when she talked to Janice.
Adam watched the exchange and he was ready to step in if things went pear shaped but Janice accepted Polly's hug and they shed a few tears together. Polly told her how much she loved Abbey and missed her and she wished she could have helped her more.
"Polly, I know. I know you love Abbey and always will. Thank you for not turning your back on her, you are the only one who never let her down."
"I feel like I did."
"Sweetheart, you never did." And that was the god honest truth, of all the people who let her down along the way. Her mother, who bought that man into her life, her father who was in another city while she was being brutally abused, her 'boyfriend' who turned and ran at the first sight of trouble, the only person who fronted up for Abbey every single day was Polly.
Sam stayed the night, it wasn't even really talked about and he threw caution to the wind and tried to show Polly how much he loved her. He tried to fix her broken heart, even for just a little while. She may have cried the whole time but she never let him stop, it was confronting for him but it solidified their relationship, they were teenagers suddenly thrust into a very adult world and they flourished. It wasn't easy and at times they struggled but they didn't give up on each other. Both their parents hoped that some time soon they'd get to really enjoy what it felt like to be young and in love.
Adam was proud of Gus when he saw how he stepped up and took his father's spot beside his Mom without him even having to ask. He slipped his arm through hers and stayed close until Adam could get back to them. He leant in to his son and grabbed him around the neck and whispered his thanks into his ear and told him how proud he was and how much he loved him.
It had been a long week. Gus had taken a few days to get over his hangover and he apologised to his parents for his behaviour. Adam made sure he took the time to talk to him everyday, he picked him up from school and spent that time with him and he made sure he was home for dinner every night. They tried desperately to show their kids how much they loved them and they circled the wagons around them. They were so focussed on making sure Polly and Angus were okay they forgot about each other.
Polly kept forging ahead and she refused to let his beat her. Gus was took his punishment on the chin, accepted his Dad's help and worked hard to earn back his parents trust. The whole incident had put the wind up him, it honestly scared the crap out of him and he hated that he let his parents down.
The fog was clearing again and Kim and Adam now needed to make sure that this wasn't going to beat them either.