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XVIII.
Stupefaction
It felt like a gunshot through the ribcage; an explosion straight from his mouth, down through his chest and spilling into his gut like cold shock.
When his vision finally cleared, a huge pair of amber eyes welcomed him.
"Y-you…"
The Railgun murmured, in the flesh, for the first time. The whisper breathing out of her ghosted warmly against his face, and only then was he suddenly hit with how close they were, and how warm her body was. Soft dark strands of hair fell nimbly between his fingers, and he immediately leaned back and released his hands as if burned.
Accelerator doesn't close his eyes, though. His first instinct was to snarl and snap, like an agitated gator in the marsh. His second was to leave without a word.
There's another instinct too, just beneath the surface of his skin, that threatened to gobble the first two right up if he's not careful.
The Railgun's eyes were still on him, pupils blown and wide as she slowly pushed herself up from the hospital bed covers, every muscle weak and watery even as they obeyed her. It took a moment to find the balance so she wouldn't go tumbling over the side of the bed. There's a gasp somewhere behind him, but everyone was quiet as Misaka Mikoto slowly dragged her gaze from Accelerator to everything else in the room, hair falling down to frame her pale face. He would eat a nail before he ever admitted it, but even his breath was stuck at the back of his throat as Accelerator continued to stare back at the girl, clothed in nothing but a soft blue hospital gown and tubes stuck to her hand.
The wall between the space of his mind and the real world was getting blurred, and he couldn't stop his heart from pumping out of his chest at all the realness of it. Inside his mind, the Railgun was nothing more than a cold, flickering ghost. But here, as he watched and breathed her in, the resentment in him gave way to a beast unfurling in the deep pit of his belly. Accelerator felt a rush go through him that was unlike adrenaline born by fear. He was torn between the need to step away or step closer, only the indecision keeping him in place.
"You did it," Misaka Mikoto finally whispered out, voice low and tight and choked. Sensation sizzled down the length of Accelerator's spine. "—you saved my life."
Those words hit Accelerator harder than a fist, stealing his breath as his throat dried and his lungs constricted. For years he's fought with himself and drowned in his nightmares that all translated to guilt and shame. The SISTERS' Original used to hardly matter to his causes, yet now somehow hearing it from her released a tight knot in his chest he hadn't known was there. He suffocated on the epiphany—dimly, he was aware of the bruising grip on his cane—and just stared back at her in response, words stuck at the back of his throat.
"Well, that was unexpected."
A cheery voice cut in, and Mikoto jumped, before darting her eyes to the blonde standing at the end of the room. Misaki Shokuhou is looking back at her with a smirk, but Mikoto still almost had to do a double take - she's never seen the Level Five looking this messy, blond hair sticking up and white lace gloves torn at the hands, which were holding a strange-looking remote.
"No no no don't talk yet. Your voice box hasn't been used in a while," she said matter-of-factly, like the cluttered state she's in isn't the least bit shocking, before turning around and pocketing the remote. "I'll go fetch your doctor. Be back in a bit."
"'MISAKA wants to go too," MISAKA says." Last Order chirped in gleefully, already following the blond girl out. "'See you in a minute, Onee-sama~', MISAKA promises"
"Ah wait…Geez."
Mikoto mumbled out, though barely above a half-hearted whisper. If Accelerator noticed the hitch in her breath, he didn't respond, just looked at her, even as the two girls passed him a glance on their way out. It was all he's been doing since he opened his red eyes and met hers, and she didn't know what to make of it. A surge of self-consciousness suddenly overtook her, and Mikoto immediately darted her eyes away in favor of smoothing back her hair.
"So...thank you, I guess." She murmured, before looking up in surprise at her slip. "But just for that. Not that I m-meant anything else. I mean you know…," Cue more coughing.
Alright. He's had enough.
"Did you not hear her? Stop talking."
The girl stopped and blinked, looking up at him. It's still unnerving, knowing how all of this was actually happening, but he's managed to salvage the little dignity he had left in him and told her off nonchalantly, even if everything bubbling up in him then was doing anything but.
"What?" he raised a pale brow in question, and the girl huffed in annoyance, putting her hands up to point at her then him and making an over sign.
"Oh…damn well I'm free alright." He laughed in her face, albeit dryly. "See you never again. Fucking hell that took forever."
She blinked, before gazing up at him in thought. It's ironic really, how she thought his mind would be emptier without her presence when it was doing the exact opposite.
"What h-happened there…" she continued anyways, shaking her head at his frown. "Don't t-tell...please…"
It took him a moment to get it, too lost in his own jumbled mind before he remembered the fleeting warmth on his left shoulder, where she leaned at in a few seconds of despair and anguish. He gripped tighter to his cane.
Accelerator knows what secrets feel like, knows how they eat away at you from both outside and inside, how they devour you until there is little truth left of you. And how sometimes it was easier to bare your teeth and threaten to bite as well.
How tempting it was sometimes to let go and never open your eyes again.
"Yeah." He said, and for once in a long time realized how real he meant it to be, too. "I won't."
x
x
x
The doctor came in time with Accelerator and Last Order leaving. Misaki, to Mikoto's ultimate surprise, stayed back and waited to hear all the diagnosis with her. Mikoto was grateful nonetheless, she wasn't in any state to be hearing anymore examinations.
"I just contacted your family so your mom is probably coming soon," Dr. Kei said, tapping his pen against his clipboard. "We'll still be keeping you for a few more days for check-ups but all your reports are doing well. You've been through quite a rough patch there, Misaka-san."
Misaki managed to hide a scoff behind her hand but Mikoto caught it nonetheless. If only he knew.
The girl at least had the decency to wait for him to leave before rolling her eyes at Mikoto's insistent stares and pokes. The remote was wrapped securely in a handkerchief and pocketed in her duffle bag, which the Railgun kept staring at so much that Misaki had to shift it behind her.
"Don't worry about it. I'll keep it away from everyone. For real this time." She sighed. "Look, I don't know what happened in there or what he did...but I need to know in case things like this happen again."
Mikoto blinked at her for a long moment, and it's surreal, watching the Railgun pull up her usual tense, guarded composure towards her again. She's seen the girl battered and unconscious in this bed for too long, Misaki distinctly realized. Every movement and words spoken sparked a deep sense of curiosity in her like never before.
Especially after seeing the girl with that guy.
"I don't know," Mikoto said slowly, still sorting through Misaki's words as her brain tried to wake up. "I mean…" With a faintly exasperated sigh, she reached up with her free hand to press on her eyes. "Everything was so blurry in there...and it all happened so fast. But in there...even though I did feel my body, it's never really felt like…mine."
"And Accelerator?"
Mikoto stopped, peering up at her silently. "What about him?"
"Have you ever asked him what that feels like?"
The silence was more than enough of an answer for her. Misaki stared at her for another moment, before standing up and gathering up her things.
"Ara ara...Silly ol' me didn't even notice the time." She sighed, dramatically. "I'll let you rest up. Take your time, for now. But I will come asking again, Misaka-san. I doubt this is as important to me as it is to you, what with your...Sisters and all."
"Yeah," Mikoto replied, throat running dry. "Yeah, of course."
"Okay. Take care then."
Misaki nodded, taking another long look at her again, as if just to make sure she was real this time, before turning away and heading for the door.
"And Misaki?"
"Hmm?"
"Thanks. For everything."
"Oh don't be silly. I'll write you a check!"
"Whoa...? Oi!"
x
x
x
His next return to consciousness is easier, like slipping through warm water rather than wading through syrup. No tension sparked through his muscles, no discomfort weighed him down. It's almost like floating, like the moment before he came fully into that strange white in-between world. Peace and silence and safety, and for once in a long time, Accelerator opened his eyes after a soundless sleep.
The clock on the desk read 4:00, and Accelerator tossed himself back into the covers.
It's still dark outside, the air thick with the gloom of a midwinter morning, and even in the heated building Accelerator tugged his hoodie collar a little higher around his throat, grimacing in faint irritation at the twinge in his stomach. He had exactly another hour before another GROUP mission and getting to the location would take him another half an hour.
He should be getting up by now. He should have been goddamn free by now.
Accelerator couldn't find it in himself to go back to sleep, despite the exhaustion pulling at his body, the exhaustion always pulling at him like the broken pieces of his brain are leaching off his energy as they merge with the rest of him. Or it could just be the terror. He's felt it in his veins his whole life – purring constantly like the hum of a distant machine. But for a long while he wasn't alone with his terrors.
He'd never gone swimming in his entire life, but sometimes, when Accelerator waded around in his nightmares, he found her there and he couldn't look away. So many things lurked beneath the surface of those eyes.
It was the eyes, had to be. She could drown a person in them.
Funny how life played out for the both of them. Years of warmth and love next to years of loneliness and abandonment yet both ended up at the same spectrum of despair, like two sides of the same damming coin.
If he closes his eyes, he can see her.
Now his mind is all hard lines and emptiness, the air around him quiet and faint.
Accelerator sucked in another deep breath before getting up, and hoped the sound of the city would carry his thoughts away.
x
x
x
Yoshikawa didn't know how long it's been going under her radar, but she noticed that Accelerator has been acting different. He's less snappy and critical, and even agreeable most of the time. The scientist was even tempted to say that the boy has developed some manners, except that's also not quite true; it felt more like Accelerator has softened, mellowed out, and realized that he was a total asshole and is trying to redeem himself in a less asshole way.
Which is great, and Yoshikawa applauds any knuckle-head brats who is self-aware and undergoing reform, but it felt like Accelerator was in a whole different world to himself – one where he completely disregards everything and everyone around him. Yoshikawa has no idea what's happening (and to think she used to think that the brat was the one whose brain couldn't interpret social cues) but whatever's making the Accelerator less of a prick is a blessing to her life, so she can't complain.
But it's still a little disturbing. One of these days when she's less tired, she would pick him apart and find out what's actually been going on. Maybe she should look into the infamous MISAKA Network after all.
x
x
x
"Onee-sama. Onee-sama!"
"H-huh? Kuroko!"
Kuroko barely had time to move away before a tiny blue zap of electricity shot out at her. Misaka Mikoto stared at the younger girl, ears turning red in embarrassment before looking around.
"Don't just jump on me like that! You know I still haven't got full control of my powers back, Kuroko."
"It seems fine to me." The addressed girl replied, pointedly looking at the scorched spot on the ground where she had been mere seconds ago. "You were distracted, that's all. Something's up?"
Mikoto blinked, before looking away. "Not really. Just school stuff."
She wasn't lying. She does have a whole ton of schoolwork to catch up with. Even if she did skip two grades.
But it's been a month.
She used to read up about it, how people move back into the stream of their life after a coma. It's always a mix of having incredibly vivid dreams and lost memories. She wished there could be one about an out-of-body experience. Maybe she wouldn't be so alone in her troubles. Technically, she wasn't alone then, but she hasn't seen him in a month. Sometimes Mikoto would catch herself looking at the inside of her wrist, and her heart would churn over in its ribcage.
If she thought about them, she had to remind herself that they did happen.
It's a maelstrom of emotions and for a split second Mikoto considered just jumping into the emptiness, away. Because that's all her mind's been occupied with - how empty it is, and how different everything felt like.
She wondered how Accelerator's holding up.
Then she immediately pushed the thought away. And the cycle repeated.
"Your eyebags aren't looking any better too. Have you been pulling all-nighter for our upcoming exams or what?"
"Well, kind of." Mikoto chuckled, curling a strand of hair in distraction. "I did skip half the semester you know."
"And you still accepted continuing while you could have just saved this semester for next year." Kuroko chided as she got to her feet. "Really, Onee-sama. If I didn't know you any better, I'd say you're pushing yourself to death or something. C'mon Uiharu and Saten must be starving already."
Mikoto stared at her friend as she made her way ahead of her, Kuroko's words tossing around in her skull. A few months ago and Kuroko wouldn't be wrong. She turned to give the half-setting sun an appreciative gaze and gathered her still feeble limbs to stand and catch up.
She should concentrate on her tasks and toss aside these meddlesome thoughts about Accelerator. It was so inappropriate and naive, no matter how tempting it was analyzing it in her head.
But it was too hard to ignore.
The city hummed beneath her skin, and she cursed her brain for letting him slip in, again.
x
x
x
But as fate would have it, they met again.
Accelerator wouldn't exactly called it fate, or whatever running-into-the-chick-while-about-to-blow-someone's-head-off is. He was just in the middle of turning on his choker when a loud "Hey jackass! I thought we talked about this?!" resonated through the whole alley – so clear and angry and familiar he nearly had a whiplash turning around to find the source of that voice.
He would choke himself before he ever admitted it out loud, but for a few seconds there Accelerator almost felt like she was in his mind again – boisterous, blazing, and bigger than life itself, even as her lithe, tiny frame came into view. Eyes big and dark as she seized him up, like she always used to before.
"You're not through with me yet, you prick. We have unfinished business to tend to."
Accelerator simply stared, before thin brows rose high on his pale forehead. Not yet? The miserable wench was digging his grave faster than the rest of her SISTERS combined.
(TBC)
NOTE: Well well well if it isn't my super duper late update again. Ugh but trust me when I say I intend to finish this, and hopefully the whole story will end at less than 25 chapters...hopefully.
Thank u all for the support. Make sure to stay safe and take care out there~
SPOILER AHEAD
(Apparently I have unfortunately been spoiled that Mikoto got to meet Last Order in the recent LN, and did not show any reaction. Now that is just...not cool Kazuma Kamachi. Not cool at aaaall :/ )