Sparked by a comment on SpaceBattles, this wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote it...
"Are you sure this is the right way about it, my boy? I mean, summoning a demon? I know the problem is difficult, but surely there's a better way?"
The younger man shook his head while he pored over a ream of parchment which was flowing from the collection of esoteric machinery, much of which looked to be random scraps of junk from someone's elderly aunt's attic mated with a collection of zoological museum displays, central to which was a vast anthill under glass. In the next room a muted humming sound, as of thousands of small wings beating, could be heard rising and falling in pitch to some unknown beat. Around him a number of other, even younger men and women did odd things with the equipment, apparently understanding their jobs, which was more than the older man who had made the question could do. Not that he'd ever admit to this.
"No, Archchancellor, there is no other way. We're sure of that. The problem is already that someone has summoned a demon, it's eating people on a daily basis right now. Three last night according to the Watch. Commander Vimes is furious about it." Ponder Stibbons, the younger man, shivered without looking up from his paperwork. Even as a respected wizard and acknowledged expert in the workings of High Energy Magic, the commander of the Ankh-Morpork Watch terrified him on a level that he found hard to overcome. The man was not only formidable, with a will of iron, but had little respect or time for wizards and was as likely to punch your teeth in as anything if he felt that he wasn't being listened to. Even at an age more than twice that of the research wizard, he was not someone to take lightly.
Not to mention the collection of misfits, weirdos, and highly dangerous semi-monsters that he now employed in the Watch itself. They had gone from a small collection of barely competent layabouts into a significant fighting force that was the envy of most other cities, and feared by criminals and other ne'er-do-wells across the Disc. Mostly due to Commander Samuel Vimes, who would famously take pretty much anyone who would swear loyalty to the city and do their job right. He didn't seem to realize that most of them were actually loyal to him rather than the city, or care if he did. As long as they upheld the law in a way that kept things running, he was more than happy to pay them.
The end result was that in the last few years Ankh-Morpork had both become a much stranger place than ever, and yet paradoxically a much safer one as well. One would not have thought that with a law enforcement system containing werewolves, golems, trolls, dwarfs, even a vampire or two, that anything other than utter chaos would have reigned on the streets, but in fact the exact opposite had mostly happened.
Even so, the man still terrified Stibbons. It was said that the Assassin's Guild had declared that he was totally off limits, only the second time that this had ever happened, as the fellow was simply too dangerous and difficult to kill. They'd lost a lot of people attempting it and had been in danger of becoming a laughingstock, which didn't go down well with them. No sense of humor, those people. Or style, always wearing black like that.
The arrival of what had eventually been determined to be a rather nasty demon of some sort, called by persons unknown for reasons that were also unknown, probably from one of the Dungeon Dimensions, had caused considerable upset to the inhabitants of the city. Not surprising, considering that a fair few of them had apparently been eaten by the thing, based on the traces found after the fact.
There were no witnesses, or at least, no witnesses that had had witnesses.
While it was so far restricting itself to the area of the city known as the Shades, which was not a place that he himself would ever want to visit for numerous reasons, not least of which was that even absent a demon it was the sort of place that ate people alive, it was generally thought that sooner or later it would either run out of victims or patience and widen its predations to the rest of the city. No one wanted that.
The Patrician had issued suggestions that this should be dealt with forthwith. Not orders, the Patrician never issued orders, only suggestions that left you thinking that he was really quite serious that you should see to it immediately. If not sooner.
It was something in the tone of voice.
Commander Vimes, on the other hand, he issued orders. Forcefully, intensely, and with a certain vigor that left you once more thinking that you should get on with it.
So Stibbons had.
He was one of a number of experts who had been tasked with working out what the hell was eating people, and unfortunately drew the short stick when it was determined by the other experts, from the Assassin's guild, the various temples and religious centers, and one or two other magic users, that this was something best handled by a wizard. And look, there was one right there. Convenient, that.
Essentially, everyone else had taken one large perfectly synchronized step back leaving him blinking in mild shock and looking around in a puzzled manner, until he worked out what was going on.
Shock became worry when he found that both the Patrician and Vimes were now looking toward him to find a solution to their little problem. Now, please, be quick about it, and try not to kill yourself if possible.
Rather irritated that he, one of the youngest, smartest, and (in his own opinion) sanest wizards in the entire Unseen University faculty, had ended up with this frankly extremely dangerous and thankless task, rather than someone like, for example, the Archchancellor, a man who positively enjoyed hunting, he'd wandered back to his office and called his people together. They'd spent the last three and a half days going over every book and scroll they could think of that might suggest a method to find, destroy, kill, unsummon, or whatever else was required to get rid of this damn demon. Eventually the beginnings of a plan had gelled and they'd set Hex, their magic powered thinking engine, to work to flesh out the details.
It had done so, although even it couldn't really predict what the end result would be. In its own way it had seemed more than a little smug when it had basically told them that the only way to find out was to try it and see what happened.
Stibbons was somewhat irritated by the fact that the entire collection of half-understood thaumaturgical machinery had needed eight hours of whatever it was it did to tell him the bleeding obvious. He'd worked that out for himself instantly.
It wasn't the bloody machine that was going to risk its soul or whatever to try to call up another demon to get rid of the first one, after all. He was still slightly hazy on how they'd get rid of the second one.
For a moment he had a wild thought about having to summon larger and larger, more and more dangerous demonic creatures, each one destroying the one that came before. The main problem he could see with that was what did they do with the last one when they ran out of demons?
Vaguely wondering if they could arrange things so that it froze to death in winter, while knowing full well it was only just spring, he sighed, finished checking things over, and handed off the paperwork to a passing student who ran off with it to the corner of the large magical laboratory.
Turning to the Archchancellor, who was watching him with raised eyebrows in an expectant manner, he shrugged again. "We've gone over everything we could think of. There's no other way. The High Priest of Blind Io spent nearly two hours trying to scry for the damn thing but only got a nosebleed, and the head of the Assassin's guild came running out of the Shades after half an hour, white as a sheet, and swore he'd never go back under any circumstances."
"Priests. Hmph. Bunch of fat lazy layabouts in dresses," the Archchancellor muttered in rebellious tones, straightening his robes. Stibbons watched, opened his mouth to say something, then shook his head slightly and closed it again with a small sigh.
After a moment, he went on, "What we came up with is something rather different that a normal demon-summoning ritual, though, Sir. Those are, as you know, wildly dangerous and more than a little prone to… well, unpleasant failures are the better option. It's often more unpleasant if they actually work."
Both men shivered a little, remembering tales of Wizards who had Overstepped Their Bounds.
"Anyway, this should be much safer. It's a modified version of the Rite of AshkEnte..."
"What?!" Ridcully yelped in horror. "That thing? It's for summoning… Him. And He doesn't like it. I swear that the last time He was frowning at me." The experienced wizard was slightly pale, glancing nervously into the corners of the room as if he expected the subject of their conversation to unexpectedly jump out at them and shout BOO! Which, bearing in mind the particular Anthropomorphization under discussion, was very unlikely in Stibbons' opinion. Death wasn't noted for a sense of humor.
"I fail to see how He can frown, Sir," Ponder commented. "Considering that all he has to work with is a skull."
"Trust me when I say he can, and leave it at that."
"As you wish, Sir. Anyway, this is a significantly modified Rite of AshkEnte, it won't attract attention from the normal recipient. Or at least, not in a way that he'd consider a summons." In a much lower voice he added, "I hope."
"What was that?" Ridcully asked sharply.
"I said I didn't think He will consider it a summons."
"Then you said something else."
"No, Sir, I just cleared my throat." Stibbons tried to look innocent.
"Hmm." His superior didn't appear entirely convinced but also didn't press the point.
"Anyway, we'll be ready to run the Rite in about six hours. It has to be started precisely at Moonrise. Hex will do the actual ritual, but we need to keep an eye on it in person. It's all to do with Quantum Uncertainty, you see, if there aren't any observers odd things can happen."
"Quantum, eh?" Ridcully nodded wisely. "I see. Quantum is tricky stuff. All right, I suppose you'd better carry on. I'll be back to see what happens."
"Commander Vimes and some of his people will be here as well," Stibbons mentioned, which made the Archchancellor look approving. For some reason, he and Vimes got on like a house on fire, and not in the traditional meaning of the phrase, what with the flames, screaming people, and death. They actually liked and respected each other. In fact, the Archchancellor was probably the only wizard that the Commander actually respected.
"Excellent, very good, carry on." With a final nod of approval the older wizard made his way out of the room, casting the hulking machinery that constituted Hex a suspicious look as he passed it. Ponder watched him go, sighed again, then went back to work.
"Ready on the Thaumic Converter, sir," one of the student wizards called. "Reservoirs at eighty percent full and climbing."
"Runic array online in five, four..." Another student counted down. At 'one' there was a sub-bass thump that shook the entire building to its foundation. "Online and running."
"Summoning Circle Impingement Amplifiers at full power. Nothing's getting out of that," a third voice called, as the air rippled with weird colors over the glittering metallic symbols etched into the marble floor between two circles, the inner one of which was some eight feet across. The wavering light show formed a barrier around the inner circle which occasionally made a crackling sound and emitted sparks when stray air currents brushed over it.
"Hex calculating final summoning vectors..." A fourth student spoke up from by the main console, watching the ants running around frantically in their tubes. The hum from the next room rose to a deep thrumming sound in which one could almost hear words if one was incautious enough to actually listen for too long.
"We're ready, Archchancellor," Ponder said, looking around at his people then back to the several other individuals who were watching with varying expressions. Commander Vimes was thoughtfully puffing on a cigar, the smoke from which was making Stibbons' eyes water, but he didn't have the nerve to ask the other man to put it out.
Beside him, the statuesque blonde figure of Captain Angua was watching everything with eyes that missed nothing. Next to her, the even larger figure of Captain Carrot was also watching, looking interested yet wary.
The Archchancellor nodded. "Get on with it, then. Let's see what happens, then we can have dinner."
Stibbons looked at the man for a moment, before turning away with an inner feeling that no one appreciated the sheer amount of magical inventiveness that had gone into this entire enterprise. He and his small team were breaking new ground in High Energy Magic and the man was thinking about food.
And now he was hungry.
Perfect.
Sighing faintly, he nodded to the young woman at the console, who nodded back, closed her eyes, and slammed her right hand down on the large red button they'd installed specifically for this operation. It depressed with a solid 'clunk'.
Everyone tensed.
Nothing happened.
She opened her eyes, looked around, stared at the circle, then looked down at the button.
"Oh. The safety is still on. Whoops." She giggled a little nervously as Ponder rolled his eyes, rotated the button until it snapped back into the firing position, moved a small unremarkable lever to the side, then poked it again. The 'clunk' sound came once more.
This time it was accompanied by a steadily rising hum, not coming from the immense beehive in the next room, but instead from the circle. A chill wind began to blow outwards from the center of the summoning area. The room steadily and slowly darkened, the magical lights around the walls dimming and the torches that had been lit specifically for the atmosphere dancing and flickering.
Ponder looked around, satisfied. It had taken ages to get the special effects working properly.
Returning his attention to the circle, he saw a point of light growing in the middle of it, several feet from the floor, of a color that was indescribable. It grew slowly and steadily, eventually reaching the ground and half-way to the ceiling, at which point it stabilized, filling the center of the circle with misty light.
"Very impressive, my boy." The Archchancellor sounded approving. "I like the wind, it's a nice touch. That's Quantum, is it?"
"No, it's a portal to the demon worlds, Sir," he replied absently, watching intently. "Hex is now sending the summoning spell into the portal. It will locate our required demon and attract it here to where we can bind it and bargain with it. Any time now..."
Everyone waited.
"Pretty soon..."
They waited some more. The hum got slightly louder.
"Right... about… Now..."
Not a lot continued to happen.
Ponder looked at his colleagues. The girl at the console shrugged, and prodded the button a couple of times for luck. Nothing came of it.
"Not much going on, Stibbons," Ridcully commented, leaning forward thoughtfully and poking the barrier with the stem of his pipe, which produced a spark of stray magic and a nasty snapping sound. "What's supposed to happen again?"
"The demon should appear in the circle," Ponder muttered, flipping through his notes. "Odd. I don't understand what the problem is. We ran the calculations seven times."
"You missed a decimal place right here, see?" A hand came over his shoulder, a claw-tipped finger tapping the page in the middle of one complex calculation. He absently noted that it was covered in light blue, fine scales. "It should be ten point three four nine six, but you've got one point zero three four nine six. Your power level is only ten percent what it needs to be."
"Damn. You're right," he grumbled, pulling a pencil from behind his ear and scribbling in the correction. "Thanks."
"No problem."
The voice was cheerful, female, and had an odd hissing accent.
"We're going to have to start all over again, Sir," he sighed, looking up at Ridcully, who for some reason was staring over his shoulder, his pipe almost dropping out of his mouth. "There wasn't enough energy to do more than open… a… doorway..."
Stibbons ground to a halt. Then he looked around at the other people in the room, all of whom were looking at something behind him.
He counted.
Then he counted again.
Then he closed his eyes for a moment. There were nine people in the room, and none of them had scaly blue hands.
For that matter, he didn't know anyone with scaly blue hands.
But he had a pretty shrewd idea that there was someone meeting that description standing right behind him, who had not been there until very recently.
About the time the portal opened, in fact.
"I was curious," the voice said, as the portal guttered out when the magical power ran down. "I don't see a lot of magic at home, you see, so when that portal opened right next to me I thought I'd check it out. Nice place you have here. What's that thing for?"
He swallowed, then turned around, to see the owner of the voice and the hand wandering around the room studying everything curiously. She, and it was definitely female even though it was just as definitely not human, was currently looking at Hex with an expression that seemed both fascinated and somewhat dubious.
Ponder studied their guest. She stood about six and a half feet tall, was covered in fine bluish scales, was clearly reptilian in nature, and was wearing a dark blue set of armor, a breastplate, arm and leg protectors, and a skirt of slender metallic strips making up the majority of it. There was a four or five foot long tail coming out from under the rear of the skirt.
Overall she looked like a man-sized lizard that was on two legs, although he had no doubt that she was far more. There was a sensation of barely leashed magical potential coming from her that he had a horrible feeling was more than the entire staff of the University could hope to even approach, a type of magic that he had never encountered before.
She looked over at him, ignoring the frozen student who was staring at her from feet away with a look of terror. "This is almost a sort of computer, isn't it?" she asked.
"Computer?" he responded slowly.
"A… thinking machine, I guess?"
"Oh. Yes. That's exactly what it is."
"Neat." She leaned forward and tapped one of the ant tubes with a claw. Hex made a strange whirring clicking sound and the printing mechanism sprang into action. She moved to where she could read what the suspended quill was writing.
"Please reinsert Universe and reboot?" she queried, sounding amused. "Also, please don't do that, it tickles? Strange machine." She stroked the ant tube a couple of times in an almost affectionate manner then turned to them. "So, what were you trying to do, anyway? That was a very weird portal spell. You were obviously looking for something specific."
"Um." Ponder looked wildly around. She was talking to him. The Archchancellor looked at him with the air of someone whose problem it wasn't and took a couple of steps back. The three Watchmen were living up to their name and just watching, although both Captains had drawn swords, which were held ready but not aggressively. Commander Vimes was simply watching without any change in expression or posture.
"Um," he said again. She cocked her head to the side like a curious cat. "We… were trying to summon a demon."
"OK." She nodded. "You got one. What for?"
"You're… a demon?" He gaped. He wasn't sure what he'd expected, but odd as she was, 'Demon' wasn't quite the word he'd have used. She seemed… too cheerful.
"Yep. Well, strictly speaking, half demon. Sort of. Anyway, close enough for most purposes. So, why did you want a demon?" She cocked her head the other way. "You can call me Saurial, by the way."
"Oh. Um." He was at a loss for a moment. Behind him, the Archchancellor cleared his throat meaningfully, making him twitch, which seemed to amuse her based on the smile, which exposed a lot of teeth. "We have a problem with a demon that we thought only another demon could solve."
"Ah." Saurial nodded slowly. "I think I see. This is a magical world, isn't it?"
"Yes, it is," he confirmed. The statement seemed to suggest she had a working knowledge of both magic and other worlds. "As far as we can tell someone has performed a ritual to summon something, and either lost control of it, or deliberately set it loose. It's killed at least a hundred and fifteen people in the last six weeks. No one can work out how to even find it, never mind kill it. Or just send it back where it came from. We don't care which, we just want it gone."
"Fair enough. That's understandable. I guess I could look into it for you. I assume you can fire this thing up again and send me back?" She fixed him with a look that suggested that he damn well better be able to, or there was going to be trouble. "I can do it myself but it'll take some time to get used to your magic, and I don't want to be away from home too long. I'm kind of busy."
"I..." He quickly looked at his students, who stared back, then nodded as one. "Yes, we can. It needs to be done on a full moon, though, so that's the next two nights, or a month from now."
"OK. It shouldn't take long." Saurial smiled at him. He shuddered a little. "Where am I, anyway?"
"You're in the High Energy Magic building in the Unseen University of Ankh-Morpork, the oldest city in the world, my dear," the Archchancellor suddenly replied, having apparently decided that bloody death wasn't on the cards and therefore it was safe to get involved. "I am Archchancellor Mustrum Ridcully. It's nearly time for dinner, as it happens. Would you care for something to eat after your trip?" He was slathering on the bonhomie with the enthusiasm of a pastry chef faced by a huge bowl of icing and an enormous cake. Saurial looked at him, then Ponder, before nodding with a smile.
"Why not? I could eat."
"Excellent. Come with me. You're welcome to join us, Sam," he added, glancing at Vimes, who was still watching with a professionally blank expression. "You can explain the situation to our guest."
After a few seconds, the other man nodded slowly. "All right, I think I'll do that." He looked at both Captains, then all three followed as Ridcully left with Saurial beside him, her tail twitching back and forth like that of an interested cat. Left behind, Ponder stared after them, stunned at how quickly everything had gone. After a moment, he sighed, turned to his people and ordered them to clean up and shut everything down properly, then hurried after his first successfully summoned demon.
Now he was really hungry.
And confused.
Very confused...
"You're not human." Angua looked sharply around to see the reptilian girl, demon, whatever she was, looking curiously at her from a few feet away. She hadn't heard a thing to give away the presence of the other female until she spoke, or more worryingly, smelled anything either.
"What makes you think that?" she asked cautiously. Saurial tapped her muzzle with one clawed finger.
"The nose knows. As you know, if I guess right. Werewolf or something like that?"
After a moment Angua nodded. "Yes. Have you met werewolves before?"
"No. As far as I know they're mythical on my world. But I have a friend who is familiar with them, and I can smell the canine in you." Saurial smiled a little. "This is a very strange place even by my terms. No one at home will ever believe me about where I've been."
"What's your home like?" she asked curiously, wondering about somewhere a demon would call home.
"More technologically advanced than your world, definitely, although it probably doesn't make much difference in some ways. More dangerous, definitely. We have all sorts of strange abilities like magic there, and a lot of very unpleasant people using them to get their own way." Saurial shrugged a little. "It's the nature of people everywhere, it seems. Give them an edge over others and a lot of them jump at it no matter what it does to other people."
Angua nodded with a sigh. "I understand. We have all to much of that here as well."
"But you have a lot more species all living more or less peacefully together, which is interesting," the scaly woman noted, peering out the window into the dark of the night. "All those smells… So many different people. I find it… fascinating." She grinned. "This is a change from my normal life, certainly. And that was a really good meal. Anyway, I guess I need to go and find this demon of yours. Where did you say this Shades place was?"
"Head towards the Docks and just follow your nose," Angua said dryly. "You can't miss it."
"Docks, hmm? Just like home," Saurial said with a smile of amusement. She stuck her head out the window next to them and looked around, then down, from the six stories up position that Angua had chosen as a suitable place to think in. "OK. See you later." She dove headfirst out the window.
More than a little surprised the Watch Captain stuck her own head out the window in a hurry and looked down. There was no sign of the self-described half-demon. "Up here," her voice came from above. Angua turned around so she was almost lying on the windowsill, looking up the wall. Ten feet above her, Saurial was somehow clinging to the sheer stone face with her claws, head down, looking at her. "I'll be back when I've had a look around."
She rapidly turned around then scuttled up the wall and over the roof. The last Angua saw of her was the end of her tail vanishing from sight. Thoughtfully she retreated back into the building, tapped her fingers on the windowsill for a while as she looked out at the lights of the city.
"I wonder what we've unleashed on the world," she muttered to herself, before she went off to find Carrot and Vimes.
Arthur 'Knifey' Johnson was not a nice person. He knew it, his friends, what there were of them, knew it, the Watch knew it, and more than anyone, his victims knew it. His nickname was well chosen, he was a dab hand with a blade, for everything from slitting purses to slitting throats. These days he was more into the latter than the former, it was quicker and easier and had the distinct advantage of not leaving people to complain that they were missing things that they valued.
They were still missing things, of course, but they were no longer really up to complaining, except possibly to whatever collected them from their cooling bodies.
Arthur was merrily plying his trade, having made quite a profit tonight, when he heard something… not normal. He'd discounted the stories of something unnatural and even more bloodthirsty than the usual inhabitants of the area prowling the Shades, not being one to believe in anything he couldn't see with his own eyes, and preferably stick with his own blade, but there was something about the skittering sound in the dark behind and above him that right put the wind up him.
It had sounded half a dozen times in the last fifteen minutes, apparently following him, but every time he looked around suspiciously, he couldn't see anything at all. At first he'd thought it was a rat, but they seemed oddly absent as well, which was strange for this area of the city. If nothing else it produced rats the size of cats, and twice as vicious.
The sound came again, from directly above him. He stopped dead and snapped his head up, staring into the sky, but could only see a few of the brighter stars through the fog and smoke from innumerably stoves and fires in the area. The alleyway he was in was even twistier than usual in this part of the Shades, leading between two wider streets he was hoping to find more prey on.
Peering around with a knife ready in his hand, he eventually shook his head. "Hearing things," he muttered to himself.
THINGS CAN STILL BE VERY DANGEROUS, ARTHUR a voice said in his ear.
He jumped, whirling around to see who had snuck up beside him, while lashing out with the knife in the same move. Nothing happened and he couldn't see anyone.
"Who said that?" he demanded hotly.
ONLY ME, ARTHUR. DON'T WORRY, I'M JUST HERE TO WATCH. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
He looked wildly around. There was still no one there.
Shaking his head again, he scuttled off down the alley. Above him the sound came again. He scuttled faster.
Behind him, a skeletal head tilted curiously skyward. I WONDER WHAT THAT REALLY IS? the sepulchral voice mused. VERY ODD INDEED.
"What was that?"
"What?"
"That scream."
"A scream, I think."
Fred Colon looked at his old friend Nobby and sighed. "I just said that."
"What?"
"That it was a scream."
"So why ask what it was if you already knew?"
They looked at each other.
"I… don't know." Sergeant Colon shrugged. "Just the sort of thing you say, right? You hear a scream, you say, 'What was that?' It's… thingy… you know, tradition."
"Oh, right. Got you." Nobby nodded wisely.
"Should we do something about it?"
"About what?"
"That scream."
"What scream?"
There was a loud howl of sheer gutwrenching terror from some distance off, although nearer than before. "That scream?" Fred quavered. It sounded horrible.
"What should we do about it, do you think?" His old friend didn't seem keen on leaving the warm building and going to investigate strange bloodcurdling screams in the dark. Oddly enough, he wasn't either.
The scream came again, even closer, and more terror-stricken. It was cut off halfway through in a gurgle. Both men listened intently, still as stone. Eventually Nobby said in a tone that mixed satisfaction with apprehension, "It stopped, so we don't have to do anything, right?"
Fred was trying to work out what to reply when there was a solid knock on the door, which then creaked open. Both Watchmen jumped and turned, then stared. The figure who entered was not one they'd ever seen before.
Nothing at all like anything they'd seen before.
"Hi," the slender scaly thing said in a cheerful voice. "You're Night Watch, right?"
Fred finally managed to nod.
"Great. Look, I'm out looking for this demon of yours and this idiot kept turning up and trying to mug people." She flipped the firmly bound and absolutely terrified form off her shoulder and onto the floor of the custody building. "He's being a nuisance. He had half a dozen knives on him, here they are. They're not very good, but he might be dangerous. I thought you guys would want to talk to him or something."
Fred stared at her, then Nobby, who seemed stunned. "Ah, thank you?" he tried. She smiled, making both of them flinch.
"No problem. Look, I have to get back to work, but if I find any more like him, I'll bring them by. I don't like people who stick knives in other people." She turned to her captive and bent down, putting her face inches from his. "And I have a really good memory for people. I tend to be very unsympathetic if I catch them twice. I never catch them three times. Understand, my friend?"
The man on the floor, who was bound up in some sort of glittering gray metallic netting which looked far too delicate to be as strong as it clearly was nodded jerkily, his face green and his trousers damp.
"Good. See you around. The net will last about an hour." She straightened up, nodded to Fred and Nobby, then disappeared back into the night. There was a very long period of silence.
Eventually Nobby got up and went to look at the man on the floor. "Here, this is Knifey Johnson," he exclaimed in surprise. "We've been after him for weeks."
"Oh," Fred replied blankly. After a few seconds, he blinked. "Oh!" he said in a more intelligent voice. He smiled. "The Captain will be pleased. Let's get the bastard in a cell."
"I'll get the mop," Nobby remarked, looking at the puddle on the floor surrounding the still shaking man. "Who do you think that was? A new one of our lot?"
"No idea. But if she wants to bring us criminals, I'm not going to complain," Fred replied, while he fumbled through his desk for the cell keys. "Saves us going to have to look for them. Much safer."
"True," Nobby commented. He kicked the man in the ribs, then looked innocent when his nominal superior gave him a hard look. "Sorry. Slipped. On the floor. Because it's wet, like."
Sighing, Colon heaved himself out of the comfortable chair and proceeded to book the new client into the cells.
"Hi, Ponder," the voice of Saurial said from behind him, making him emit a short scream and jump a foot in the air. He landed facing the other way with the grace of a drunk cat, which was to say not very, stumbled a little, and was caught by a pair of strong hands. "Sorry. Did I startle you?"
Breathing heavily he nodded, glaring at the reptilian demon girl, who looked amused. "Yes. You did. How did you get in here?"
"Through the window," she replied, gesturing to the opening that was at least twenty feet up a sheer wall. He looked at it, then her. She wiggled clawed fingers. "I can climb really well."
"Oh." Shaking his head, he waited until his heartbeat dropped to something approaching normal. "Where have you been all night?"
"Out looking for your demon," she said, looking around with interest, then walking over to study Hex again. "I kept finding annoyingly bad criminals, though, they're all over the place out there. I dropped them off at the Watch house until that nice Sergeant Colon told me all the cells were full, then I left them tied up in the yard outside. He seemed surprised that I found so many." She shrugged. "I seem to attract them. Anyway, I found your demon."
"You found it?!" Ponder stared at her in shock. "How? Where?"
"It's living in a building in the middle of that Shades place, underground in a basement or something like that. I could smell it. I didn't go in after it because there are too many people living around the place, if it sensed me coming it might have gone for them instead. You need to quietly evacuate the area, then I can get it."
"We'll need to talk to Commander Vimes and get him to sort that out," Ponder replied. "He's still talking to the Archchancellor, I think, they've been up all night. Come on."
She followed him as he unwarded and unlocked the door to the lab, hurrying across the courtyard to the main building and Ridcully's office. Shortly they were talking to the two men, who looked tired but pleased.
"Excellent work, Saurial," Vimes said approvingly. "Thank you."
"You're welcome, sir," she replied politely with a nod. "If possible I'd like to get this done today so I can catch tonight's portal home." She gave Stibbons a humorous look, making him sigh slightly. "I have plans for tomorrow that I'd hate to miss."
"Of course. I'll get that area evacuated immediately. Do you think that the demon will notice?"
"Probably not, I'm fairly sure it's nocturnal and is probably asleep or something like that," she said thoughtfully. "If you're quiet and quick it will probably stay like that."
"All right. Mustrum, it's been a pleasure talking."
"Any time, Sam. Give my best to Sybil." The Archchancellor yawned slightly.
"I'll do that." Standing, Commander Vimes put a new cigar in his mouth and lit it with a match, flipping the stick into the fireplace, then strode out of the room. Ponder and Saurial followed him.
Four hours later, approaching noon, Ponder and several Watchmen were standing near the worst part of the Shades watching as Saurial talked to Vimes. After a moment, she nodded, then disappeared into the maze of twisty alleyways, all alike. The Commander stared after her for a moment before coming back to them. "She may be a demon or whatever, but she knows her business," he commented admiringly. "Wherever she comes from she's done this sort of thing before. I'm half-tempted to offer her a job."
"I don't think she wants to stay, Commander," Stibbons noted. "Although she seems friendly enough."
"She's caught more criminals in one night than we normally manage in a week," one of the watchmen remarked a little irritably. "She'd put us all out of work inside a month."
Vimes produced a small smirk, not saying anything. The watchman's colleagues glared at him, with one of them poking him hard in the shoulder with his truncheon. Ponder watched, mildly amused, then whirled around at the horrific screech that echoed around the buildings.
"I AM KKRTHZ, LORD OF DESTRUCTION, YOU INSIGNIFICANT LIZARD," a horrific voice howled from somewhere in the direction that Saurial had gone. "YOU CANNOT WIN. I WILL DESTROY THIS WORLD AND TAKE ITS ENERGY FOR MY OWN."
Enormous crashing noises followed, along with more screams and inchoate yells. A huge cloud of dust rose over the rooftops. Behind them, crowds of people gathered to watch, take bets, eat dubious meat byproducts in a bun, and do all the other things that Ankh-Morporkians tended to do in a crisis.
"FOUL LITTLE CREATURE, HOLD STILL THAT I MIGHT SMITE YOU!"
A huge explosion sounded, throwing fragments of wood and stone clear over the roofs to where they were, little pieces of what was probably once a building raining down around them.
"NO. NO! YOU CANNOT DO THAT! IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!" The huge voice sounded panicked suddenly. "NO! RELEASE ME!"
There was a world-filling scream of horror, made by something that itself was a horror beyond knowing. Then the entire area fell silent, to the point that you could hear drops of sweat falling from one of the watchmen.
Footsteps sounded, coming closer. The guards drew their weapons and huddled together.
Saurial appeared from between two buildings, looking pleased with herself. Walking over she looked around, then peered at the huge crowd of onlookers, who were staring at her in silent shock. "What's wrong with them?" she asked curiously.
Ponder looked over his shoulder, shrugged, and turned back to her. "No idea. Did you get it?"
"Yep," she smiled toothily, then burped discreetly. "It was delicious."
He went green, while even Vimes paled somewhat.
"You… ate it?"
"Sure. It needed a little pepper, or something spicy like that, but luckily I got some of this neat sauce from your Archchancellor." She held up a small bottle that Ponder recognized. He discreetly sidled a little further away from it, just to be on the safe side. "It's really good. But that stupid thing isn't a problem any more. I found this as well." She handed him a small book.
"On the Summonyng Of Ye Daemons and Other Fell Beasts," Ponder read out loud. "A Practicale Treatise by Gonglra the Foul."
"No trace of whoever it was that used that book to call the thing, but I'd guess he didn't make it," she noted. "You should probably lock it up. Or burn it."
"Books like this tend to be hard to destroy," Ponder sighed. "I'll make sure the Librarian gets it. He can keep it safe."
"Good enough. Anyway, I think that's it. No more demon, most of your muggers and the like from this area are all locked up, and I've had a really good lunch." Saurial looked pleased. "This has been an interesting trip. Thanks."
"You're welcome, I think," Stibbons replied. He glanced at Vimes, who seemed torn between laughing and looking mildly confused.
"I could do with something to drink after that, though," she went on, "then maybe a nap. When can you do that ritual again?"
"Tonight at Moonrise," he said. "The reservoir is recharging and should be ready well before then. It's enough to run the portal, although as you pointed out not enough to run the entire spell."
"That'll be enough," she told him with a smile. "I can find my own way back from there. Thanks."
"You're welcome. I'm glad you were able to help and not angry about the summoning." He was more than relieved, to be honest. Having found out what she was apparently capable of, he decided that he didn't think experimenting with summoning spells was a good use of his time any more for several reasons.
"It was nice to meet you and your people, Commander," Saurial said, turning to Vimes and holding out her hand. He took it and shook it.
"Likewise," he replied. "Thank you for your help. If you're ever in the area again, feel free to drop in."
"It probably won't happen, but it if does, I'll do that," she smiled. "Come on, Ponder. You can show me where to find something drinkable." Waving to Vimes and the other Watchmen, she wandered off, Stibbons nodding to the Commander then running after her. The crowd watching quickly parted to allow her through.
Behind them, Commander Vimes watched, lit a new cigar, then turned to his men. "Come on, let's see what's left," he said, waving in the direction of whatever it was that had happened, before heading in that direction. Somewhat uncertainly, his people brought up the rear.
"Thank you very much, Archchancellor," Saurial exclaimed with a broad smile on her scaled face as she looked at the small parcel in her hand. It clinked when she gently shook it. Both Ridcully and Stibbons paled a little and stepped back.
"Ah, ideally you shouldn't agitate it too much," Ridcully said. "Or let it get wet. Or hot. Or cold. Or put it near lemons. Or coal."
"It's slightly unstable," Ponder added in a bout of massive understatement.
"OK," she replied with a grin, putting the half dozen bottles of Wowwow sauce carefully into a pouch on her belt. "I'll be careful."
Turning to the summoning circle, in which the same point of light was slowly growing, she tipped her head a little, then nodded. "Yes, it's going to the right place. Great." They waited until it had stabilized at full size. "See you around, guys. It's been fun." Waving to the other wizards who were watching from a safe distance, she walked into the cloud of misty light and vanished.
Just before it dissipated, Ponder heard a distant female voice say, "Where the hell did you disappear to? We still have this damn Endbringer to deal with."
"Sorry, I had to deal with something weird," Saurial's voice said faintly. "It was really cool, though, their world is completely nuts. It's flat, and balanced on..." The portal faded from view, taking the voices with it.
Sighing slightly, feeling that he'd had an interesting adventure, but was very glad he could go back to normal life, Ponder nodded to his team who shut everything down, then turned to the Archchancellor. "That seems to be that, Sir."
"So it does. Interesting girl. Now, explain this Quantum to me again, will you, my boy?"
Ridcully looked curiously at the summoning circle.
Ponder sighed more heavily, then began speaking. Again. For the fourth time in a month.
He expected that it wouldn't be the last.