Remus woke up on the balcony alone, he was surprised to find that he wasn't shivering. In fact, he'd been covered by multitudes of blankets and there was a note underneath a keep cup that read "Here's a coffee, black, I presume? If you wake up and see this, stay put, no getting up for you, alright? — Sirius"
Remus almost laughed, and he certainly grinned, wondering what the plan could be. He hoped that whatever it was, it didn't take too long because it was a little strange just sitting there, waiting in anticipation for whatever Sirius had planned. Though really, after such a strange night, a strange morning was in order.
He wasn't entirely certain how they had both fit comfortably enough on the chair to sleep there, but clearly they had managed, and managed well because Remus felt strangely well rested. He often didn't feel rested after sleeping in his own bed, he nearly never felt particularly rested after sleeping in someone else's bed. He never would have picked sleeping in a chair on a balcony with a man he barely knew to be one of the places he'd have good sleep. But regardless, he was going to take it. He might as well, it wasn't like he could change what happened now anyway, he just hope that Sirius would hurry up so he could find out what was going on.
He carefully took a sip of the coffee, pleased when he realised it was the perfect temperature. He didn't know what was going to go wrong, but it was bound to be something because this was far, far too perfect for there not to be a catch somewhere. Surely, surely there'd be something that went wrong, just to balance the whole thing out. Maybe not though. Maybe not. And that was his hope. The hope that maybe, just maybe, there'd be good today without any balancing act of bad.
"Remus!" Sirius exclaimed, bounding onto the balcony, two plates of food in hand, eyes lit up.
"Good morning, Sirius. What's the time?"
"Not stressing about getting things done, are you?"
"No, not today. Today the bakery's shut and I don't have to much else. But what is the time?"
"7:30, or just about. I figured you'd be an early riser, with the bakery and all, so here's some breakfast. I figured James wouldn't mind too much, but I can replace it if he wants."
"He won't care, neither will Lily, don't worry. I didn't even think they'd have all this stuff here," Remus replied, slightly shocked that either James or Lily had bought such a variety of mushrooms as well as spinach.
"I went out to buy some of the mushrooms. But to my surprise, they had some, they also had the spinach and the beans. I assume the bread is from the bakery? It really is very nice bread," Sirius explained, handing over a plate to Remus, procuring cutlery from his pocket. He was still dressed in the clothes from last night, again, Remus was entirely sure how they'd managed to get comfortable in suits, but they'd seemed to do pretty well.
"It's Dorcas's bread, yeah. Thank you for this, by the way, you didn't have to. Are the others still sleeping?"
"Well, there were various noises coming from James and Lily's room, so I figured it was best not to call out to them." Sirius smirked, leaning back against the railing before continuing, "But there was nothing from Dorcas and Marlene, I presume they're sleeping."
"Oh god, I'm sorry."
"Don't worry, I've heard, and seen a lot worse."
"Oh Jesus, Sirius."
"What? Haven't you?"
"I mean, yeah, but you haven't even known them a week!"
"I went on an exchange program when I was fifteen. Stayed at some random place with a bunch of people from my school who'd I'd practically never spoken to before and walked in on them."
"That would've been, uh, awful?"
"I mean, it was more amusing than anything, I suppose. For me at least, it might have killed their mood a little, I guess."
"I'm shuddering just thinking about it."
"Really defying the stereotype that bisexuals and pansexuals are obsessed with sex, aren't you?"
"I don't like stereotypes."
"I should think not."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I don't like stereotypes either, don't worry."
"I don't understand you, Sirius," Remus said, shaking his head at the other man.
"That's the point."
"I'm sure it is."
—
"Where did you get enough food to put on the big plates?" came James's voice from the doorway of the balcony. His hair was even more of a mess than usual, and despite the cold air and his lack of a shirt, he stepped onto the balcony.
"Sirius went out to buy mushrooms. And apparently you had spinach and beans? I'm in shock," Remus replied, a single eyebrow raised.
"Why didn't the rest of us get any?"
"From what I heard, you and Lily seemed rather occupied, darling. I thought it'd be best not to come knock on your door," Sirius replied, a glint of something that could only be called mischief in his eye.
"Oh."
"I'm sure Sirius has thoroughly enjoyed his first few days knowing us."
"We haven't been that bad! Have we, Sirius?" James asked, sounded mildly concerned. He always had been a bit of a mother hen, even when he hadn't known Remus properly, and Remus didn't suppose that was going to change anytime soon.
"Hm, let's see…" Sirius mock-contemplated, tapping his finger against his chin and Remus decided it was utterly unfair that someone could look that good in a suit they had slept in, outside, in the cold, without having a shower or anything. "No, you haven't been that bad. Though, it's been the most entertainment I've had in ages."
"I told you!" James exclaimed, grinning at Remus, scrunching his nose up at the other boy.
"I would tell you it was because Sirius was too polite to say anything, but I'm not entirely sure that's true."
"Again, I feel I have to state that you really do enjoy insulting people. Is he always like this?" Sirius asked James, a smile playing against his lips.
"Oh definitely. He's particularly good at insulting people without them realising until a few moments later, when by that time it's too late to say anything. It's brilliant. He was great at school."
"Oh, I bet he was."
They continued along that path for awhile, going between Remus's sarcastic comments, Sirius's mocking and laughing, and James's god-awful puns and dad jokes. All three boys feeling easy and Remus might almost say happy. It was a happy moment. He was glad Sirius had fit so seamlessly into the group, though he still doubted whether they should really trust him or not. But what else was there to do when he was there, flinging his arm around you and making you truly laugh? What else could he do except trust him. He couldn't very well force himself not to like the other man, though he almost wished he could. It was just so comfortable that he couldn't stop himself from imagining what awful thing was going to happen to balance it out. They'd slept in the same — admittedly large — chair. Surely that just screamed "TOO COMFORTABLE". But he still found himself grinning and enjoying the banter the three of them were having and not quite soon enough, but soon enough that he was surprised when he thought of it later, he found himself forgetting about his worries just for a little while and just giving into the enjoyment of everything.
It was cold and it wasn't showing any signs of getting warmer. In fact, it was only going to get colder, though when Remus first moved to London, he'd been shocked at how little snow there was. He had come from a small Welsh town, where it snowed heavily and often. But still, it was cold in London, there was no denying that, though many people seemed to. They had been talking for about an hour, and despite the fact that Sirius had once again squished into the chair with him, he was getting far too cold for it to be comfortable.
"Right, I'm getting cold now. So, I'm going to get changed into something warmer, and have a shower. In the opposite order. Are the others awake yet?"
"Lily is, uh, obviously. I think Marlene and Dorcas are too."
"Well, I'd hope that Lily is awake," Sirius commented with a smug sort of grin before continuing, "are you asking me to join you, dear Remus?"
"I absolutely am not, Sirius," Remus replied, flushing bright red. He'd neglected to share a particular piece of information when they'd had their "coming out session" last night. He really should have mentioned it, but he just wasn't quite as comfortable. It was much easier to just tell someone that you were pan. Which was saying something, really, because often it wasn't particularly lovely coming out as pan. It certainly hadn't been for him. But that wasn't what he was going to focus on today. No. He refused. Today was going to be a good day with his friends.
"Good day. Good day. Good day," he whispered to himself as he rummaged around in his bag for the clothes he had packed for today. He was determined to not let himself fall into the anxiety. He was capable of enjoying himself, he knew that. He'd enjoyed himself last night, and this morning, he had proven he could do it, he just needed to be able to do it again. Hopefully a shower would help with that. Or at the very least, it would warm him up which was always a bonus.
—
"What's going on with you and Sirius?" Lily asked as Remus walked into the living room, hanging up the suit he wore the night before. He hadn't exactly expected to be interrogated today, but he wasn't surprised that it had happened. Especially since Marlene had jumped into the shower after him, and everyone else was out on the balcony, Dorcas and James eating toast and clearly discussing something very amusing because they were all laughing.
"What do you mean, what's going on with Sirius and I?"
"I saw the two of you last night. So did James, but he's just about as observant as a brick, though a very caring brick."
You saw what?"
"You were hugging? Sort of, anyway. It looked more like you were holding each other up. It was very late though, and clearly the two of you found the blankets and slept out there, so what's going on?"
"Oh. That. I don't know, Lily. We did sleep out there. I don't really know what's happening with it all, I just want it all to work out in a way that no one's going to get hurt. That's my main goal. Are you going to interrogate Sirius as well?"
"He's not one of my best friends, not yet anyway. Are you okay with it all though? With whatever it is that's happening?"
"I don't know, to be honest. But not because of anything he's done. Okay?"
"Okay," Lily agree, smiling a little, almost sympathetically, but not pityingly which was always a relief.
"Speaking of things I don't know," Remus began, hesitating a little before he spoke, "Have you heard from Peter? He hasn't returned my call. Is he alright, do you know?"
"I haven't heard from him, no. Maybe James has? I'm sure he's okay though, but maybe try again tonight or something? What time do you have to leave?"
"I'm easy, there's nothing I've got to do today."
"Awesome. That's a first, and I'm very glad that it's finally happened," Lily replied, grinning, looking genuinely happy.
She was sweet sometimes, Remus thought. She was bloody terrifying a lot of the time, but she was sweet sometimes. It was always good to see people looking genuinely happy, and that happened a fair amount on these Friday nights and Saturday mornings that they spent together, everything was made into some form of amusement. They all saved each other a little bit, was the conclusion Remus had come to a couple of years ago. They had been just about to graduate school when he had realised just how much they all held each other up. Not in an overly dependent way, but just in the way that meant they all made it so much easier for each other. He supposed that was what friends were for, but still, there were moments when he was happily shocked by the sheer amount of care and love they all had for each other.
"Remus! Good morning!" Dorcas exclaimed, bounding into the room as was usual for her in the mornings. She was very much a morning person, often so much so that Marlene made her promise not to wake her up until at least 7:30, which Dorcas found fairly ridiculous. But that was normal. Each of them requesting things that either the other agreed with or found ridiculous, but still, the two fit together well. They'd been together ever since they left school and Remus hadn't seen either of them so happy before, not that he thought having partner was a necessity to be happy, but maybe having people that cared about you as more than a friend helped get rid of the stress. He wasn't entirely sure, but he really didn't need to be, so that was that.
"Good morning, Meadowes. How was your sleep?"
"It was good, that bed is honestly the most comfortable thing in the world."
"It's pretty comfortable."
"How was your sleep? Did the rest of you sleep at all?"
"We did. Though, Sirius and I didn't sleep until maybe 3:30."
"That barely counts as sleep!"
"Well, just because Marlene sleeps a solid nine hours every night doesn't mean the rest of us do," Remus commented with a roll of his eyes. It would certainly be interesting to have a consistent sleep cycle.
"You should try it some time."
"And come to the bakery so early everyday? I think not."
"Stop coming to the bakery so early everyday then! You need sleep."
"Meadowes, we're not talking about this today, okay mate? I've got the day free, we're gonna have fun. When do you need to go home?"
"I've got no idea, really. I don't think there's anything on."
"Well, let's go have a fun day then."
"Good plan."
They exchanged smiles and while Dorcas headed to the bathroom, Remus went to the balcony, where Lily had walked off to. He was relieved, relieved that he didn't have to discuss work, or his mental health, or anything like that right now. All he wanted was to have a good day. He was nineteen for fuck's sake. He was meant to be having the time of his life. It was meant to be the best part of his life. It was meant to be the time when he learnt about himself and the world. He was meant to be going to parties and going on dates and just having fun. Instead, he was just relieved that he didn't have to discuss certain topics. But still, that was a good thing, and he was going to cling onto that good thing, just in case. Just in case.
—
It was late afternoon now, though if you weren't a local, you may have thought that it was some time late at night. It was maybe about 4:00, but whatever time it was, it was dark and it was cold. But none of them really cared a whole lot. They were having fun. They'd been running around the park, just because why not. Remus was clothed in many, many jumpers. He was always good if someone needed something to keep them warm. There wasn't very often you wouldn't find him with a spare jumper or jacket. Something Sirius thankfully found out that Saturday. He'd come in tight jeans and clad in leather, and while Remus did admit that he was supremely attractive, he certainly wasn't dressed for the weather. So Sirius too was wearing a bulky jumper, one that was even bigger on him than on Remus, with him being shorter and all. Remus couldn't quite contain his grin when he saw Sirius, the man that wore leather jackets and who owned a motorbike, wearing a jumper about five sizes too big.
No one had really done anything that day, but it had been fun. Now that it was getting later, darker and colder, James had pulled out his massive collection of board games and they were currently arguing over which one to play. It truly was an impressive collection. Lily still says that it was the reason she decided to move in with James, just so she could access all the games. James never found it quite as amusing as the rest of them, but truly, no one would ever believe her, because they truly were the most disgusting couple Remus had ever seen.
Sometimes he wondered he'd be the same if he ever dated someone, most of the time he came to the conclusion that he most definitely would not be. Firstly, he was much more aware of his surroundings than the two of them. Secondly, would he really want to do that? He wasn't sure. Then again, he wasn't even sure if he even wanted to be in a relationship with someone at any point in his life. People laughed a little when he suggested that maybe he "just didn't want to". It almost made him want to less, but he knew that was stupid. Maybe, maybe he would one day, maybe he wouldn't. Who knew? Certainly not him.
"You there, Remus?" Sirius asked, mild concern in his voice, a hand on Remus's knee.
"Where else would I be?"
"Well, you certainly weren't helping us choose what to play," James pointed out from the couch.
"Surely you can choose a board game to play?"
"Clearly we can't."
"That's a skill you should learn then," Remus replied, shaking his head, but grinning anyway, attempting to ignore the hand on his knee.
"Oh fine then."
"Honestly though, are you okay?" Sirius asked, leaning closer to Remus's ear.
Remus couldn't hold back a shudder that time. So close, he was so close. It was strange. This stranger, or almost stranger coming along to their Friday and Saturday traditions. This almost stranger leaning in so close. Closer than a stranger probably should, but it was okay, it was okay. He wouldn't freak out or do anything stupid. He was an amazing person, Sirius, and yes, he was very attractive, and yes, he was probably the first person he'd wanted to be friends, or something with, for the past year or two, but that was okay. That was perfectly okay.
"Yeah, yeah I'm okay," Remus replied, turning his head to Sirius so it wasn't just a voice next to his ear.
"Good."
"Thanks."
"Anytime."
"Alright! Let's play Monopoly!" James declared, after a great amount of discussion.
"Do we have hours to spare?" Marlene asked from her spot on her chair, Dorcas perched on the armrest.
"Does anyone have any objections to staying for another few hours?" Lily asked, opening up the box and pushing the others aside.
There was a chorus of, "no!" and within five minutes everything was set up, everyone had the right amount of money and everyone had joined Sirius and Remus on the floor, preparing for a heated game of Monopoly to begin. If their friendships could last through this, then surely they could last through anything, Lily said with a laugh.
Everyone agreed, Monopoly was absolutely the ultimate test of a friendship. Dorcas had pointed out that it was fitting Sirius was here today, if he could still want to be friends with them all after Monopoly then he really was stubborn.
The next couple of hours passed with shouts of;
"Hey! I was buying that set!"
"No, no, no, I can't afford to land on that!"
"You fucking arsehole!"
"I'm going to murder you."
"How do you have all the hundred pound notes?"
"You can't own everything on the board!"
"Oh yes, yes good, just don't land on any property I own. Thanks for that."
"I think I need to roll the dice again. I, uh, I'm sure someone knocked them."
"Oh fuck it."
"Landing on your property again! Do you want me broke?"
Followed quickly by, "Actually, yes, I do want you broke."
It was two and a half hours before Lily and Marlene were the last people playing. No one was surprised, of course. Even Sirius had guessed that they would be the board game playing geniuses. And they most certainly were. They were never allowed to be in the same team for board games, or any games, really. The two of them combined were far too dangerous if anyone else wanted to win ever. But even as Lily won, they all agreed that it was a well spent three hours, even if really, it wasn't the best choice of game out there.
By that time it was 7:00 and Marlene and Dorcas had to be on their way home, so with a quick goodbye and a "Is the new timetable good with you?" from Remus to Dorcas, and a nod in reply, they were gone and much like the night before, or rather, early that morning, it was James, Lily, Sirius and Remus. Though this time they weren't asking anywhere near so many questions. It still felt comfortable though, much to Remus' surprise. He hadn't expected the comfort to last so long.
—
"Am I taking you home, Remus?" Sirius asked, his voice lower and more careful than Remus had heard it before. It was something like 9:30 and they were all tired. After Marlene and Dorcas had left, they'd spent the hours talking and eating (not James or Lily's food, though quite a few pastries). James and Lily combined were very...exciting storytellers. He was exhausted, he could only imagine how tired Sirius must be, after spending more than twenty-four hours with people he hadn't even known a week.
"I can make my own way home," he replied, smiling a little at the other man. They were standing just outside the doorway, both agreeing it was time to leave, they'd insisted that James and Lily were fine staying on the balcony. They were having a very intense debate, one that both Sirius and Remus found immensely amusing, and neither particularly wanted to interrupt it, so with quick goodbyes and hugs, the two of them left.
"Is that Remus-code for, yes, but I don't want to be a bother?" Sirius' head was tilted, and once again, Remus thought he looked particularly like a puppy.
"I'm all good, honestly," Remus promised, shaking his head in amusement.
"I don't belie—" Sirius was cut off by the sharp ringing of his phone, "hold on, don't you dare leave."
Sirius pulled the phone out of his pocket and went paler than Remus would have imagined possible when he read the name. "Oh god," Sirius whispered, his eyes wide and nervous.
"What's wrong?"
"Just, just stay a minute. I'll be done in a second and then I'll take you home. Don't leave," Sirius replied, his voice almost a growl.
"Yes?" he said, holding his phone up to his ear, while walking down the stairs that led to the street. Remus followed after him slowly, stepping out onto the street with him. He nodded at Sirius' finger held to his lips. "Not now...Great, I don't care...I'm busy at the moment...No...I'm not coming back, Regulus!...I don't care what she's saying...If I had it my way, you wouldn't be there either, but you didn't fucking leave with me...I'm not going to anything...I'd be better if you'd stop trying to convince me to make a fucking mess with my life...I am busy. I don't want to know. I'm fine. I'm not telling you just so you can go tell Mother Dearest…I don't fucking care, Reg. You're my brother, so get out or leave me the fuck alone!...If that's what suits you."
Sirius was shaking now, and Remus wasn't quite sure if he would want comfort, or if he just wanted to be left alone for awhile. But he reached out a hand to touch Sirius' shoulder, not altogether surprised when Sirius flinched away.
"Do you want to talk?"
"No, I want to fucking murder someone."
"I don't think you should get on the bike right now."
"Fuck you. I don't care. That's the only fucking thing that's mine at the moment. So I'm going to ride it and take you back to your apartment as well."
"Sirius, is that really a good idea?" Remus asked, biting his lip, he didn't particularly want to stop Sirius from doing anything, but he wasn't exactly sure if it was safe or not. He didn't know if it was safe for him to be alone at all.
"It's fine, Remus. Okay? It's fine. It's all fine, fine, fine! Okay?"
"Okay, Sirius. Is your cousin home?"
"She'll be there. She's always there. She's got a little girl, about 3. She'll be there."
"Good, I'm glad."
"I know. You're worried about me. For some stupid fucking reason, you're worried about me. You shouldn't give a shit, Remus. You shouldn't care. I wouldn't. I wouldn't care if I had known someone for less than a week and they had problems. You shouldn't give a fuck."
"Come on, Sirius, let's go."
"Don't tell me what to do," Sirius argued, but he was nodding all the same and handed a helmet over to Remus, swinging his leg over the bike. It took Remus a few moments to convince himself that he'd be okay on the bike with Sirius is such a distressed state. Something was very wrong and Remus didn't know what it was, or how to help. Sirius was right, he didn't really know him, and by anyone else's standards, he shouldn't have cared. But he did, and it hurt a little, no matter that it was only because Sirius was angry, that Sirius said he wouldn't care.
The ride didn't seem quite as exhilarating and freeing as it had the past times, this time it seemed rather strained. Everytime they stopped at a set of lights, Remus could feel Sirius tense up, and he wasn't so sure that they weren't going to crash. Sirius seemed far too agitated to be driving, but that wasn't exactly Remus' place to say something. And even if it was, Sirius wouldn't be able to hear him. So he just sat there, arms around Sirius' waist, hoping that everything would be safe.
"We're here," Sirius said, his voice was sharp and harsh and everything that Remus didn't like.
"I know, this is my apartment," Remus replied, doing is best to keep his tone even and calm, he didn't want to anger Sirius any more than he already was.
"Good."
"Do you want to come up?" Remus asked tentatively, taking the helmet off, and holding it tightly, just in case Sirius really did get that angry.
"No. I do not." He was getting off the bike now, too, and Remus couldn't pretend that when Sirius held his hand out for the helmet, that he didn't flinch. "I just want the helmet, sorry."
"Be safe, Sirius."
"Fuck it all." Was the only reply he got, as Sirius hopped back on the bike, after hesitating, as if he was going to do something, but decided against it at the last minute. Before Remus could say anything, Sirius was speeding away, and Remus just hoped that when he messaged the other man later that night, he'd get a response. He didn't want to have to wonder if Sirius was lying dead on a road somewhere.
With quick steps, Remus climbed the stairs to his apartment, fingers not exactly coordinated as he attempted to unlock his door for the third time. Finally, he got inside and set his bag down. The feeling in his chest was expanding, and not in a good way, not in the way that everyone describes love. No, no, this was something very, very different. Some people called it anxiety, some called it panic, some called it being weak, there were a hundred other names for it, but at the moment all Remus could do was feel it. It was racking through his body, or were those his sobs? He wasn't sure, he wasn't sure of much at all. Everything was blurred, he felt like he was going to be sick, but he also felt like he was going to pass out. So, so weak, wasn't he? Panicking just because someone was angry. Things shouldn't impact him for this long. Should they? He didn't know the answer. He didn't know anything. It was too dark, too bright, too hard to breathe, too much of everything.