As we sat in Valen's room — which could have easily belonged to anyone, from the utilitarian interior — our backs leaning against his bed frame with rations in hand, the events of the evening came flooding back to me in wave after embarrassing wave.
We sat in silence, realisation of how I had acted causing the words to catch in my throat.
When I looked up and caught him staring at me with a bemused smile on his lips I felt the heat rise to my cheeks and prayed it wasn't noticeable. For something to do, I pushed my wild hair behind my ear, noticing — with an unavoidable blush — that it was already tucked in place.
Catching sight of my skin, I paused, looking down at one side of my hand and then the other in wonder, noting that the glow had already completely disappeared.
Apart from the glow, Valen had seemed barely affected by the drink by the time we'd stepped away from the tavern. Maybe his cheeks had been flushed and yes; his eyes had been alive with light. But he'd been the one to lead us back to the temple, as I'd yammered on about everything and nothing. Gods; he hadn't said a word the whole way!
I didn't even questioned him when he'd lead me into his room; a place I'd never even seen him enter up until today.
I looked back down at my dinner, pulling another corner of flat bread off as I coughed on the dry food.
Whilst the drink had staved off my fears and inhibitions at the tavern, seeing the increased security outside the temple and then Imloth and two other high ranking soldiers mulling over a map in the front room, had been enough to sober me.
Again, I tried to picture what the battle would look like. Like two shadows colliding, Valen had said. I frowned, immediately questioning whether he had actually said that, or if it was a far off memory from back when I'd last played the game.
I shook my head; must have still been the drink making my mind fuzzy.
He must have seen the shift that had come over me, as he reached out — hand hovering for only a moment in uncertainty — before landing on my bent knee.
I blinked down at it in surprise, the warmth radiating through my destroyed leathers. I realised suddenly that I was holding my breath. He gave it a gentle squeeze and then, after only a moment's pause, retreated.
Regaining my composure, I twisted to face him, my frown very much still in place.
At the curious tilt to his head and the concern in his eyes, words welled up in me; so many different things that needed to come to the surface, surging forth all at once.
I didn't know what I was saying until I said it.
"I've never been in a war before," I blurted.
The most powerful of all my emotions; fear, pushed to the surface, demanding to be heard above all else. With the admission, dread immediately followed, locking my stomach like a vice and chasing all other emotions away.
Valen's hand was back on his own knees as he considered my words. His eyes roamed the room vacantly, mind thrown back to memories of wars that I could only guess at. Composing himself, he faced me once more.
"My lady," he started, voice gentle. I grimaced at the rigid formality. "I'm sure you've…" He trailed off as I shook my head sharply.
My eyes itched and I bit my tongue to distract from the threat of tears. I needn't have bothered; my deep shaky breath gave me away as I tried to compose myself. I didn't dare look at him, lest he see the glaze to my eyes, so they remained firmly rooted on my bread as I tore off another chunk.
"You'll be the safest of us all," he assured me carefully. "As long as you remain on the ramparts with the other archers." The last bit felt like a warning, as if he was concerned I might be found somewhere else. As if he thought I was capable of heroics.
My stomach clenched, because I knew he was wrong; if that was where it was safest, that was where I would remain.
But he was right about the other thing.
Valen would be in the thick of it, Nathyrra too — and this time, I didn't have room to feel anything as petty as anger, at the thought of the drow.
It wasn't just me that was going to die tomorrow.
I swallowed at the thought, hugging my knees closer to my chest before resting my chin on them.
I wouldn't be able to protect them from this.
And they wouldn't be at my side to protect me.
My mind shied away from the knowledge that I was going to be alone at the end.
"And when they get in?" I asked quietly.
I turned my head, cheek pressed against the flats of my knees, taking the tiefling in.
It surprised me to see he was smirking, his eyebrows turned up in challenge. "Do you plan on opening to gates to them?"
His voice held none of the distrust of days past.
Despite my spiralling thoughts I let a small smile curve my lips in reply to his own.
"No," I whispered.
Little did he know that, the moment I fell asleep, the Valsharess was about to ask me a very similar question. I shied away from the thought, shivering with a sudden chill.
And so, with still so many things left unsaid and bubbling just below the surface, I finished my meagre meal in silence, thoughts drifting.
We sat for some time longer, and then — with a sigh that drew attention to the growing shadows under his eyes — Valen declared that he would collect our gear from the forge, and that I should find what sleep I could.
A quick and simple goodnight — not at all befitting of final words before a battle — and I ducked out into the hall. I didn't look back as I clicked the door shut behind me. I didn't hear it lock.
Standing in the empty hall, I wished, only for a moment, that Nathyrra's door would open and I could clear the air with her. But she either wasn't in, or she — like me — was unwilling to make the first move, so I left even more unsaid.
I entered my room and locked the door — too tired to even think of barring it with a chair, like I had every night that I had slept in the temple prior.
Considering my bed, I wondered, not for the first time, if the Valsharess would simply find another way to reach me if I decided not to sleep. Let's see her enter my dreams if she had no dreams to interrupt! But the thought was fleeting. I still had to survive the battle of Lith My'athar, and sleep deprivation wasn't going to help.
So I stripped down to my undershirt and — pausing — decided to leave my breeches on, despite how they made my skin itch, unsure how the Valsharess' intrusion into my dream would work.
I couldn't very well let her catch me with my pants down…
By candle light, I sharpened my throwing knives and checked the quality of my arrows, and then — with nothing more to preoccupy myself with — I threw myself onto the soft mattress with a defeated sigh.
Lying in bed, I stared at the domed ceiling, the flickering light of the candle casting long shadows. There was a tenseness to my muscles that made me feel more mannequin than flesh and bone, but I forced myself to close my eyes against the roiling fear.
I needn't have been concerned about the lasting effects of the drinks, as all signs of the jovial frivolity from Valen's accidental drugging felt like a lifetime ago.
But, despite myself, exhaustion must not have taken long to overcome me, for — between one contemplative thought about the Reaper's abilities and the next — I was asleep.
Or something like it.
It was like no normal dream, but neither was it like being in the waking world.
The edges of my vision shifted and blurred, forms just out of my sight disappearing in flashes of colour if I tried too hard to focus on them.
And then I blinked — or I experienced it very much like a blink; a short flash of darkness and then sight again — and where there had been nothing, she was there. And there and there and there. Like a house of mirrors, she was everywhere all at once, each version exactly the same as the last.
Another blinking in and out and she was whole.
My skin tingled, growing to an uncomfortable itch at her proximity, and I recognised it for what it was; the geas, rippling just below the surface.
The Valsharess stood before me, hand on her hip as she considered me from top to bottom.
She was as beautiful as she was harsh, but that was nothing new to those that had met a drow before.
It was obvious that this was a woman highly practiced at seduction, all purposefully accentuated curves and full painted lips — designed just so to intimidate and distract from her true power.
Her hair was white, her skin a deep blue, her eyes considering, and she wore a sly tilt to her painted lips.
And then it struck me.
It struck me that she was just a drow. Yes, a powerful one, but nothing at all like the all-powerful faceless entity I had built up in my mind. She could be any one of the many drow that I had passed in Lith My'athar.
And I realised something that my self-pitying of the last few days had not allowed me to see.
Yes; I was going to die tomorrow. And — and this was a hard thought to wrap my head around — so was Valen and Nathyrra, if all went as it should.
But so was this arsehole in front of me.
The point of difference was that she wasn't coming back.
I couldn't help it; I smiled.
There was a delicious moment where the drow's face washed blank with confusion, like her brain cogs couldn't turn fast enough to take in the sight of my unsurprised smile from her wide eyes. Every muscle of her body just froze.
But then the cogs started turning again and she began to pace, an answering smile stretching onto her lips as she forced me to shift to keep her in my sights.
"So," I drawled. All too aware that she couldn't harm me in this dreamscape. "You must be the Valsharess everyone is banging on about." I made a point of seizing her up, eyebrow raised and smile still firmly in place. "I'll be honest, I thought you'd be taller."
She was ready this time, and I was awarded with none of the uncertainty of before.
"Vendure, surfacer," she tilted her head. "I'm glad that we can finally meet. You've proven yourself a powerful female." The next bit was practically a purr. "Together we could accomplish much."
I held up a hand when it looked like she was going to continue, shaking my head. "I'm gonna stop you right there," I insisted, fueled by the confidence my realisation had instilled in me.
The sly upturn to her lips dropped into a snarl and her eyes narrowed. Disgust raged with anger on her features, and I thought that this look suited her much more than the friendly smile of earlier.
She threw her arms in the air. "Die then, with your foolish rebels," she spat, all coiled anger. "I will see you on your knees and you will know what it is to suffer."
"Do you think you scare me?" And I surprised myself by laughing. "All you've accomplished tonight is showing me that it's you that is scared." She crossed her arms, lip curled in disgust, but I could see that this was nothing like she had been expecting. "I might die tomorrow. But I'm taking you with me." This I promised her.
I don't remember the dream ending, but when a knock on my door the next morning woke me, there was still a smile on my lips.
NOTEBOOK EXTRACT
The map is drawn in Jane's usual style. It is almost an exact replica of the one Imloth had created, bar for the greater detail.
Besides each location is a symbol matching a legacy that names the location and items of note.
Outer Gates
Enemies: Duagar, drow, Illithid and undead. Both the words 'illithid' and 'undead' are crossed out.
Defences: Catapults and archers (including me) on walls.
Courtyard & Inner Gates
Enemies: Summoned pit fiends and balors, beholders. The word 'beholders' is crossed out.
Defences: Valen, the deva, and half the foot soldiers. 'Deva' has been crossed out.
City Core - Docks
Enemies: Drow marksmen and golems.
Defences: A quarter of the foot soldiers and the kobolds - will probably need assistance. 'Kobolds' has also been crossed out.
City Core - Temple
The Seer, Imloth and the remaining troops will be here tending to the injured. The final point of defence.