DISCLAIMER: Just a trigger warning here. There is a discussion with sexual abuse themes. Folks, although this a fictional situation, there is nothing fictional nor imaginary about it.
Please please, if you find the discussion rings true to you, regardless of gender or sexual orientation please please (I can't say it enough PLEASE!) sought the help you need! It is heart-breaking and can be a burden for you and its heavy and its too heavy for anyone to carry alone. Find someone you can talk to, someone you trust, and talk then find the help you need, all emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually (and I'm not necessarily talking about religious leaders, I'm talking about your soul)
I've added some numbers at teh bottom of the chapter.
So now I've dealed with the serious stuff, I am so very nervous about this chapter, it was the hardest to write and has been through several edits (Thanks CatieGirl) and written long before the subject hit the news. I can't tell you how it felt to write it, and I know I've given huge spoilers here so...
Gilbert has the buzz, the buzz he often felt right after rock-climbing like he did now. He'd just completed a steep rock climb, He and Christine had came back on the evening plane, he had dropped Christine at her place, he was still high from the adrenaline so was walking home, he was going to sit and veg probably fall asleep in the middle of some old film, sounded like a good evening to him. He had seen Charlie on the way back and was walking with him, at least as far as the library, then it was less then a two minute walk to his student flat.
"…and then Josie actually knew, which really caught the fellow off guard, I'm not sure what he expected." Charlie finished telling Gilbert.
"She was never all prettiness, though she did pretend it for a while in high school, she seemed to really get her act together in senior year, you had a good influence on her."
"Oh thanks." Charlie said his chest puffing with pride before they both looked up rather startled at Anne coming towards them. She noticed them too late for them not to see he eyes were red and puffy from crying, her white porcelain skin red round the cheeks, her head went down as she passed them. Gilbert tried to ignore the urge to run after her to see what was wrong, even after all this time, he still felt so drawn to her. "You should go after her." Charlie told his friend.
"That's where you're wrong." Gilbert said his head shaking.
"Gil its been over two years…" Charlie started.
"I know how long its been Charles!" he said annoyed at him.
Charlie was silent for a moment before he said quietly "did she really mean so little to you?" he asked.
Gilbert looked at him astounded. "So little?!" Gilbert repeated. "Little!" he said again. "She was my world!"
"Your world?" Charlie said with a nod. "It looks like your world is coming crashing down."
"No it did two years ago when she said she could never love me!" Gilbert objected.
"Are you telling me you're still in love with her?" Charlie asked. "What about Christine?" he asked Gilbert. Gilbert looked to Charlie confused before Charlie continued "The women you've not spent any time with for two years?" he asked.
"Don't you think I've regretted it?" Gilbert asked Charlie, "What I would do, what I would give to have her friendship again? I have tried to reach out you know!"
"You know what you will regret?" Charlie said in response. "Not going after her now."
"I'll regret it if I do." Gilbert said worried of his own feelings.
Charlie shrugged "Which will you regret more?" he asked him. Gilbert gulped and looked at his feet. "Go." Charlie said.
Gilbert didn't know what made him listen to Charlie but he did and soon caught up with Anne. "Anne?" he asked her. "Anne?" he tried again and took her gently by the arm. "Are you okay?" he asked her.
"I don't feel like a catch up now Gilbert." She almost whispered her eyes still down on the floor.
"Its not a catch up I'm after, you look upset." He said to her trying to gain eye contact "Charlie… well and me too, we were wondering if you're okay?" he continued.
"I'm fine, please let me go." She said to him.
"Anne." He said again. "Please look at me?" he asked of her finally stilling her.
"Gilbert please don't." She whispered.
"Look at me." He said talking his finger under her little pointed chin her eyes finally meeting his. "Don't lie." He whispered. "We promised we were still going to be friends remember?" he asked her.
"What two years is 'space' enough?" she asked him accusingly. He wasn't sure why, she had never contacted him and he had come home to see she was in a relationship with someone else, he couldn't approach her.
"Neither one of us knew what was coming round the corner." Gilbert said to her without malice.
Anne felt like glaring on the inside. "What was I meant to do sit and pine?" she asked him.
"Anne." He said softly to her. "I'm not here to argue." He told her honestly.
She looked around and said to him "I don't want to talk about it here." She told him.
"Come with me." He said. "We're right by my flat." He whispered. "I can order in a pizza, pepperoni? Come on please? Prove to me you're okay?." He said.
She smiled slightly "my favourite." She whispered.
"See." He said with a playful smile. "Come on, you can tell me what's wrong, we can eat pizza and we can watch Indiana Jones and we can point out all the continuity errors and plot holes." He said with a grin to her to which she gave out a little chuckle.
"Okay." She agreed.
They were back in his room before he talked again put his laptop on. "it shouldn't take long." He said to her at a lost at what else to say.
She nodded and looked around not surprised by his room "Just as I imagined it." She said looking at the pictures hanging from multi picture frame, before she came to a gap in the pictures where she knew their picture had once been. Her eyebrows shot up in surprise "except..." she trailed and looked at him for a moment. "has that been gone since...?" She asked him.
"Yeah." He said.
"you should replace the picture." She said in an almost whisper.
"No one could replace you." He said in a murmured response.
She took a deep sigh and sat on the edge of the bed her head still down quietly.
He couldn't help himself from sitting beside her. "Sorry." He said to her.
Anne shook her head taking deep breaths. "No." she said. "No, that's…" she trailed and in her tears managed to cry out "really sweet!"
Gilbert looked at her wide-eyed unbelieving of the girl sat beside him was really Anne. She might as well have been the girl who wore her hair was back in two bunches and dead straight, glasses and old faded t-shirts of vintage bands t-shirts, the Anne who had become more confident and sure of herself had faded. He wanted to put his arm around her and hold her tight tell her that everything would be fine, but his heart still cautioned him not to let himself get too close, even if she was sobbing beside him. She sobbed for a little while longer before she started wiping her tears away. It was then he noticed she was shaking so he went to his cupboard and pulled out his old Leatherman's jacket from high school and again put it round her shoulders.
"Gil don't-" she started.
"You're shaking." He told her firmly. "Come now," he said gently "You always suited this jacket more than I did anyway." He told her with a smile.
She sighed heavily and managed a "Thanks." She pulled at the ties in her hair letting her hair cascade down naturally. Before she said "D-do…" She stuttered then shook her head. "Never mind." She whispered. "Its nothing."
"Its something." He said to her. "If its making you this upset then its something."
She took another deep breath before she talked again. "If we had got together" she whispered "All that time ago, If we had got together…" she stopped and shook her head.
"What?" he asked very concerned now.
"Would we have had sex by now?" she blurted.
Gilbert looked at her surprised by the question, of all the things he had expected that wasn't it. "Oh," he managed to sound. "Well…" He started "I guess, when we were both ready, there's no guarantee it would have been by now, exactly…" he stuttered out his heart racing in a way he knew he didn't like.
"So there's not a time limit on the amount of time it take for me to be ready." She stated, although he wondered at it not being a question it was definitely posed as a statement.
"No of course not." Gilbert said looking at her now. "Anne…" he trailed as she burst into tears again, this time he couldn't stand it, he wrapped an arm around her as she turned slightly hugging into his chest as she sobbed there where it clicked for Gilbert. "Is Roy…" he trailed for a second knowing it was none of his business, he shouldn't be asking.
Anne pulled back and took off her glasses before she tossed them aside wiping her eyes with her hand before she spoke "We keep on breaking up over it." She said quietly. "He thinks…" she sighed and pulled away from Gilbert by shuffling along the side of the bed "thought I guess…3 months was long enough, then we broke up got back together less than a forty eight later he came back asking for my forgiveness, but it wasn't another two weeks before he started to put the pressure on again, I stayed with him until it got too much and I'd break it off, on off, on off…" She sighed. "Today, was just…" she sighed and started crying again "…just that again."
Gilbert looked at her again and took a breath to try and calm his anger "He shouldn't pressure you Anne." He managed in fragments.
She shook her head. "I know he..." she sighed heavily "releases those frustrations." She told him. "he comes back when..."
"he cheats on you!" Gilbert said wide eyed.
"Its not cheating, I'm not letting him have sex with me..." she tried to justify
"Its cheating. He knows you remain faithful and he gets... That's cheating."
"he could stay away if he wants."
"why bother when your girlfriend lets you play the field?!" Gilbert leapt to his feet "He has the stability in you and the top up confidence of being able to pull any girl he wants whenever he wants."
She took a breath and said quietly "But I don't feel ready for sex yet! What else am I meant to do?"
"Expect loyalty from your boyfriend!" Gilbert argued.
"It's my body, I have a say!" she argued.
"Yes." He whispered. "Its your body, and your right Anne."
"I'm not ready for sex yet!" she argued back.
"Then he should wait!" Gilbert finally yelled the desperation obvious in his voice to anyone who heard it. "He should prove his loyalty, his desire for you his absolute need to be with you! He should be waiting on the side-line for all eternity if that what it took to be with you!"
She stopped looking at him in disbelief shook her head. "I don't understand." She whimpered breaking into tears again.
"Understand?" he asked her.
"Why do I make men into monsters?" Anne asked him.
"Monsters?" he asked her his hands on his hips "I'm afraid you've lost me."
She took a few deep breaths in before she spoke again.
"I was thirteen, and I needed, or wanted just to be loved." She whispered. "You know just, a mom and a dad, that's it and I was sooo desperate for it." She bit into her lip and sighed. "I was so ready to please them, you know, I'd do anything for just 'normal'." She sighed a little and looked at him. "So when he started to buy me stuff, latest fashions I didn't question it, I didn't think on it." She continued "until one day I was washing the dishes, and I…" she swallowed and looked down "…I felt his hand on my backside, feeling me…" She didn't see but that was the moment he looked at her, if she had looked she would have seen not just the initial shock and horror on her face but also a huge amount of compassion on his face. "…He told me not to tell anyone and I would be rewarded and I was." She sighed, "Music and clothes…" she trailed "but soon it was more… he'd wait until his wife was out or asleep and get into bed with me and feel my breasts, what little there was but he'd be right behind me, I was trapped." She let out a huge sob before she told him "He said it was my fault, for luring him away and if any man told me he loved me, that this was all he was after." She stood up next to Gilbert and whispered "You don't need to hear this." she said and she turned towards the door before he gently took her by the hand then wrapped himself around her hugging her softly. At first Anne was shocked by his reaction, but soon let out a huge sob and found a familiar spot where she could sob into him. "I was so scared as he got closer and closer to my knickers…and when he went under them, I don't know what damage he did! I don't know what I am Gil…I don't know if he took my virginity or not? I blacked out, or I can't bring it to my memory, He was so close behind me and I felt him, what am I? I don't know what I am Gil and it scares me that I don't know part of myself and what am I ever meant to say to boyfriends..." she trailed again sobbing more into his chest for a few minutes. Before he heard her whisper "I should have told you." And burst into tears again, he pulled her closer then holding her trying to convay his reassurance to her.. His fingers stroking her red hair his lips kissing her there. His own body in shock of what she had gone through "…and I went to the school councillor and they took me away, I didn't go back again and I hated myself for messing it up.." she whispered. "and… and if I hadn't been that way… its all my fault, Gil, I never meant to turn him into someone bad, I never meant for him to love me like that, I can't let anyone love me like that, I turn good men bad, I can't do it to Roy, I like him too much for that, he doesn't deserve it but then I'm depriving him of intimacy that he deserves, but I can't!" she sobbed like she never had before into Gilbert.
Gilbert was fuming! Not at Anne. Never at Anne! Not even at Roy, the fella was probably confused and frustrated, though he should never force . At him!
"I should have told you, I should have said, I didn't know how, I didn't know what was happening I was just a kid!" she cried into him "I didn't mean to!" She exclaimed.
Gilbert let her cry more into him for a while, he didn't know how long before her tears started to subside he pulled her back and looked down at her "Anne." He whispered looking at her he wiped the tears on her face away. "It wasn't you who did it." He whispered to her trying his best to hold back he tears which were gathering in his eyes. "Don't you dare, ever blame yourself." He said pulling her to sit with him on the bed. He put his arm around her holding it to him. "You did not make him a bad man, he was already a bad man." He told her holding her as close as he could as the tears slipped down his face.
"Really?" she asked a tear stained Gilbert.
"A real man does not force, he never belittles or makes another person believe their behaviour is anyone's fault but their own. He does not make a girl or a women do anything against her will."
Anne looked at him wide eyed. "Really?" she asked him again seeing the tears slip down his face she in turn wiped them from him.
"Really." He confirmed.
"But, I'm doing it to Roy." She whispered.
"Has he forced…" he trailed.
"No. Well not exactly, I mean we haven't yet..." Anne protested, she trailed sitting back on the bed her legs out straight. He likewise moved back next to her putting his arm around her back. "but that's exactly what's happening, he says he loves me and if he does…"
Gilbert looked wide eyed to her.
"Please don't change! Please please…"
She had almost begged him that night not to change. She had been trying to stop him from turning into a monster.
More tears slipped from him. "Anne." He whispered. "Love doesn't force." He told her. "That's not what love is." He took a breath before he continued "What happened to you was not an act of love…"
"But its what you do when..." she started.
"Sex is an expression." He told her. "Just like when we're angry there are ways of channelling that, of expressing it." He cleared his throat and looked at her "Let me ask you something, one person is angry and breaks a slate over a boys head, another person is angry because someone refuses to be his friend despite him apologising for it on multilabel occasions, they repress it until it gets too much and they burst at the other person, who is more angry?"
Anne looked at him for a second. "neither. Its just two different ways of expressing the same emotion."
"Right its not the emotion itself, right?" he confirmed
"Well, no otherwise everyone's reaction to everything would be the same."
"What if…" he started "What if you loved someone and you couldn't tell them, and you were frustrated and maybe you need to, I don't know, you need to go to the gym more or you need to go on random dangerous adventures just to vent some of it…" he said. "Is that an expression of an emotion?" he asked her.
"Yes." She confirmed.
"Which one?" he asked.
"Frustration I guess, but frustration because of love."
He nodded. "Right. It's a negative expression of what should be a positive emotion."
"Okay?" she wondered outloud.
"Sex is an expression, an extreme one, but an expression all the same. Because of the emotions felt and the physical act its an expression which requires absolute trust, the level of intimacy is so intense." He took a breath, "When it's taken by force the person forcing it violates that intimacy and it leaves emotional and obviously sometimes physical scarring. You never ever violate it. It's the ultimate betrayal of love and trust." He told her. "What he did was not an expression of love because love does not behave like that. Love waits. What he expressed was evil, it was the exact opposite of love and he violated that intimacy and that trust, he was the bad person Anne, not you." He told her. "Look at who you are, look at who you've become despite him. You amaze me Anne Shirley." He whispered squeezing her slightly "You have been handed one of the worlds most awful histories..." he told her "but your heart is the purest thing in the known universe. You've not let what you went through sour your soul..." he said and looked her in the eyes "...do you know how rare a gift that is?"
"you're being kind." She whispered.
"No I'm not." he said looking at her
"I had it all planned out in my head." She said putting her head on his shoulder. "How I was going to fall in love, with who, what he would be like. I made this impossible man, or at least I thought he was impossible, and to be fair, it was Roy." She said with an ironic chuckle. "But I'd also be able to control the situation, the feelings he had, I would be a perfect little girlfriend and he'd just stand by the wayside waiting…" she sighed. "I'm stupid." She said shaking her head.
"No you're not," Gilbert told her "of course you thought you could control it." He whispered as he started to realise just how much of this history had affected them. "You are an amazing women Anne, and I stand, or rather sit in awe of you." He told her plain. She looked at him then sighed, she crashed into him with so much force he went sideways lying on the bed. She quickly apologised but found a sweet relief when he again so carefully brought her down in front of him, she was facing him, her head under his head, arms wrapped round her cuddling her in close. Anne relaxed there her mind breathing in a scent she thought she would never smell again. The fresh clean linen of his shirt and the smell of apple trees and bonfires. She sighed letting the cuddle continue. It had been too long since they had hugged, she didn't know a lot right then, but she knew one thing, she needed to stay as close as possible to Gilbert Blythe.
He took a sigh before he returned to the topic at hand. "In light of what you've just told me..." he said looking at her seriously for a moment after a lengthy but comfortable silence between them "I can't believe any man would try and make you go faster then you feel..." he looked at her his eyes wide he almost gasped "...he doesn't know?" Gilbert asked her. To which she shook her head. "oh Anne!" he exclaimed.
"I can't tell him!" she protested. "I can't he'll see me as dirty and used..."
"No one would think that Anne." He said shaking his head "no, no way."
"Roy once saw some high school students making out a little and I mean less than we did, he called the girl a 'brazen hussy'." Anne said to him "I can't tell him this!"
"I think your Mr perfect is a little hypocritical there if you ask me." Gilbert said honestly his true self coming out.
"He's not my Mr Perfect Gilbert."
"Then, what is he?"
Anne shook her head "He's my..." she was wracking her brain for the right word 'Mr Alright for now' seemed a bit harsh.
"He can't ask for perfect history off you if he's just going to ask you to do that!" he exclaimed. He took a sigh as she pulled away and sat up beside him again he brought himself up equal to her, "It must be difficult to not know who you are though, if you aren't even sure if you are or not." He said with a heavy sigh.
"They checked me for STD's and STI's but they said they had no way of checking if I was a virgin as the hymen could have broken anyway."
"That's true actually." Gilbert said nodding his head. "Sorry not helping." He said suddenly aware of what he was doing. "I'm sorry." He said outright "it wouldn't matter to me." He said.
She looked up to him as he shrugged "come on Gil yes it would."
"If you're virginity was taken by force then it's a horrible ordeal for you to go through, I would care that it hurt you, I would care what you had been through, but it wouldn't bother me that you weren't a virgin."
"Really?" Anne asked him looking up at him, her grey eyes looking wide at him.
"Yes." He whispered. "or actually if you weren't a virgin by choice either." He shrugged "just wouldn't occur to me."
He took her in his arms again and they hugged sitting up on the bed for a few minutes before Gilbert pulled away. "Feel free to ignore my advice, but…" Gilbert trailed before he bit his lip down "you really should consider telling Roy this." Gilbert told her.
"I know I should." She said with a sigh. "Problem is…" She continued "I don't know if I can trust him with this." She said quietly.
He took a deep breath. "I can't solve that for you Anne." He said honestly "but, you really need to figure out what you can share with him." He sighed and kissed into her hair subconsciously. "So…" he whispered. "Just think about what we've talked about Anne." He said gently.
She looked at him "Who explained it to you?" Anne asked him "You know the expressions stuff?" she asked him.
He smiled gently "My ma." He said proudly. "She said she was raising a gentleman." He said to Anne.
She smiled still with the tears in her eyes "That she did." Anne agreed. "She explained it really well." She whispered.
"Yeah she did." Gilbert agreed.
"It sounds like her." She said softly "I miss your mam."
"yeah?" Gilbert asked her.
"yeah, I like her she reminds me of you." She said gently. "So for you it was no sex before…." She trailed.
"Love, Trust, consent." He admitted.
"Wow." She said quietly, wondering when and how Christine had achieved such a status with him.
"Yeah." He acknowledged.
"That's quite a list." She said wiping her tears away.
"It's an essential list." He said firmly. "I always wanted that expression of love expressed for all the right reasons." He admitted. "I can't and won't speak for Roy but, I'm sure he just wants to express his feelings for you." He sighed "however misguided or not." He said carefully. He looked to her again then they brought themselves into a hug again. They sat quietly for a few minutes in the hug remaining close to each other, Anne feeling the safety of his arms around her.
"Do you really want that frivolous night I offered?" he asked her not really expecting a yes.
She looked at him and smiled for a moment before she suddenly proclaimed "You know what? Sure, yes!" he looked at her a wide grin appeared on his face as he sprung off the bed to get to his laptop
"Really? Awesome!" he told her.
When the pizza came Gilbert jumped up and buzzed the door opening his flat door for the pizza guy to find him. His phone had fallen out of his pocket and Anne held it in her hand.
"Oh cool!" Anne said looking at it. "New phone?" she asked him.
"Um, yeah." Gilbert confirmed "my little myphone 4's operating system gave up the ghost, literally I couldn't turn it on one day. So I upgraded, I had my regular income from my jobs, I saw no reason why not." He said with a smile.
She swiped the screen to see a generic screen saver come up with the time, she shook her head and accidently clicked on the emergency contacts. "Oh Gil!" she reprimanded him as in times of old "You have to set up your emergency contacts!" she told him. "What if you lost your phone and someone wanted to return it, or what if you were lying in a ditch…"
"With my phone in my pocket?" he grinned.
"What's your passcode?" She asked him "I'll do it for you." She said.
He went pale for a moment before he said "two six six three.*"
"Don't worry I won't look at any of your messages or internet history if that's what you're worried about." She said with an eye roll. He breathed a sigh of relief.
He made that his lock code a long time ago and had never changed it, it didn't have to mean what it did he had justified at the time. She obviously didn't clock on as she typed it in. "I'm not worried about that." He said rolling his eyes. "I don't do porn and there's no messages on there you can't read." He said.
She highly doubted the second. Surely any messages from his girlfriend he'd want to keep secret. She went into his contacts "I'm putting your parent's house number as number one." She told him. "Is that okay?" she asked.
"Seems appropriate." He nodded.
She nodded. "Number two your mother's mobile and number three your dad's?" she asked him.
"sure." He said then turned to the pizza guy "Hey Henry!" He said with a smile.
She took a sigh, surely, he would ask for her to be added to his emergency contacts, right? "Is there anyone else you want for number four?" she asked him.
"Thanks man." Gilbert said with a smile then shut the door. "Sorry?" he asked her.
"Is there anyone you want as emergency contact number four?" she asked him again.
"Oh… ummm…" he started and he was clearly thinking about it. "There's no one my parents wouldn't contact anyway." He said. "Just leave it at them." He said.
'Oh?' Anne wondered. ''No one his parents wouldn't contact anyway.' Of course!' Anne thought shaking her own head. 'How silly, of course his parents were in contact with her separately, Mrs Blythe probably loved her future daughter in law.
"Your dinner milady." He said with a grin.
She took a slice and said to him "Oh how did your MCAT go? Are you officially pre-med?" she asked him.
"I am!" he said with a smile getting a slice himself. "I did alright..." he said with a blush.
"That means you aced it!" she said with a smile. "Come on top... what ten percent?" she asked him.
His cheeks pinked "Top five." He said with a smile, to which she squealed for him.
"I knew it! I knew you would." She told him.
"You remembered?" he asked her, he looked up and into her eyes.
"Course, I did," she told him "it was important to you so it was important to me." She told him. They took a bite out of their pizzas and then she said "You know I thought of you, the days I knew you'd be sitting them, I actually saw this med book which I thought about getting for you as a 'congratulations you did it present' but then I remembered we..." she blushed and took another slice of her pizza.
"I don't think I want to specialise in surgery now." He told her.
"Oh?" She asked surprised. "Now that does surprise me, why the change of mind?"
"When I was working in the hospital over the summer I was working in the lab and it was on the same floor as a children's ward. One very boring day we were working on something when a little kid had escaped the ward, she... well..." he blushed and looked away shyly "I took her back to the ward and I talked to her and she said if I had been her doctor she wouldn't of minded coming to hospital so much." He swallowed silently "I don't know, Christine said I was being sentimental that I should stick to my original plan of surgery, I know all the information I know the expectations, but..."
"Your heart tells you not surgery?" Anne asked.
"Yeah, I think maybe family medicine, I've not decided." He shrugged.
"Do you need to?" she asked him.
"No, not until my third year." He admitted.
"Well then just keep an open mind." She suggested "if you don't have to decide..." she said.
"An open mind." Gilbert said with a smile. "Now, I like that." He said with a look to her, "I saw the Averil advert, Anne I'm so sorry." He told her.
She shrugged and shook her head. "It doesn't matter."
"Yes it does." He reassured her "I actually got in my car when I saw it and I drove over and I sat outside for a ridiculous amount of time."
She looked up and smiled "I saw you!" she said. "I mean I saw the car." She looked at her lap and said "I really wanted you there."
"Come on, did Roy not reassure you?" he asked.
"He told me it was silly to cry over a 'fictional character'." She said with a blush.
Gilbert shook his head "No its not, she's your baby." He decided it was probably best to leave it at that "I would have loved someone to study it all with." He told her.
"Did Christine not help?" she asked him.
"She's not really into the medical school stuff." He paused for a moment and thought "or study stuff, altogether."
"Oh?" Anne said surprised. She couldn't imagine Gilbert being with someone who wasn't into studying and working, how on earth was he coping in that relationship?! "Oh, Um, thank you for the necklace." She said with a smile. "It was really sweet of you."
He smiled and nodded "It just reminded me of you." He said with a chuckle. He looked up at her "speaking of necklaces, where's the one with your mom and dad's rings on it?" he asked her.
"Oh, erm..." she blushed and said quietly "Roy thought it was depressing, he said it was like I was carrying their hearse around with me." She looked down at her food before she said "so I stopped wearing it, its in my underwear draw with yo... I mean just with some personal stuff from the past in there." She told him.
Gilbert looked at her seriously for a moment before he said "They are part of you." He said carefully "that's what made it beautiful." She blushed slightly and again he asked her something she'd rather he didn't. "There was another difference when I came home to your appearance which I was surprised by as well," he said to her "You cut bangs into your hair." He stated. "But you grew them out again."
Anne sighed shaking her head "You are going to think Roy was an awful boyfriend. It wasn't his fault really" She said quietly "and he wasn't, or isn't a bad boyfriend really, I'm not sure how permanent this is." She admitted.
"Why do I get the feeling I'm not going to like this?" Gilbert said eyeing her suspiciously.
"You see, the topic of me not liking my hair colour came up and he asked if I'd ever considered dying my hair..." Gilbert's head snapped up looking wide eyed at Anne "and he was suggesting some specialists who could 'make the red hair more subdued..." she continued to turn red "well of course I couldn't afford such a high price..."
"Oh no..." he said quietly.
"So I went home with a home dye kit and tried to dye it..."
"What?!" Gilbert exclaimed his face in horror.
"Well luckily I read the instructions to do a strand test first which I did... but it didn't turn black..." she said
."Black?" he questioned the inflection in his voice almost mourning the loss of red hair.
"It turned green." She told him.
Gilbert's jaw dropped. "Anne!?" He exclaimed. "What happened?!" he asked shocked.
"well the test area was right round the front and when Roy found out he insisted on taking me to a hair salon and getting it fixed... well they said they would have to cut in bangs and then because it was naturally so wavy they suggested the chemical straightening to go with my hair and Roy agreed to it."
"Did you?" Gilbert asked her wide eyed.
"I wasn't really in the position to argue." She said quietly then looked up at Gilbert "and you know its always been a sore topic, red hair boarder line curly..." she blushed.
He looked at her sadly for a moment and told her gently "but its part of you."
She shrugged "Its not very attractive." She said quietly.
"please don't do that." He said quietly but firmly. She swallowed and then bit into her pizza again they said "but the bangs were too much maintenance and the chemical straightening only lasted six months so its going back to normal now, as you see..."
His lips upturned and he said quietly "Good," he said with a nod. "I always preferred it natural." He reminded her.
"I know," she nodded with a small smile on her face. "I think what little self esteem I have about it was from..." she looked at him and drew a small smile "Gil, I wish..." she started, but the words didn't seem to come.
"I know." He said with a nod reaching over to her knee and touching her there, she looked at him and moved directly next to him his arm going around her, her hand going to his knee.
Anne got woken up by her phone ringing waking her. She cracked open her eye to find a tousled haired Gilbert head just above hers. She looked around confused for a moment before it registered what had happened.
The two had sat lazily on Gilbert's bed, talked through the first two films before they had talked nothing but sleepy talk to each other through the third each finding a comfortable lull in each others arms, by the time they made it to the last film they had fallen asleep part way through. Gilbert had been half crouched up, Anne had been snugged into the crook of his shoulder near his heart. She reached into her jeans pocket and answered it "Hello?" she said croaking slightly. "Roy!" she acknowledged suddenly pulling herself away from the now sleepy but waking Gilbert who had equally pulled away from her. "No, no I'm not there." She told him as she tapped her wrist and mouthed "time" to Gilbert. He got his phone and showed her the time 9:15. Anne rolled her eyes "I had a class." She lied spontaneously and cringed at what she was doing. "No its not a regular one, it's a special one for my French Literature course." She paused for a moment "No it was really early, I'm just going to get breakfast now at home." She said taking her legs over the side of the bed "oh of course, yeah." She nodded. "Oh I'm about two minutes away from the library. So I should be back at Patty's place in about 15 minutes." She stopped and listened to him "Of course." Again she paused "Um huh, yeah sure. 30 minutes, no breakfast sounds wonderful." She whispered "Okay bye." She hung up the phone and sat as if in shock for a moment. "Um." She started and looked at him.
"He'll never hear it from me." Gilbert said quietly. "Any of it." He told her.
"I know." She acknowledged. "You know everything about me, you've never betrayed anything I told you, not once." She sighed standing from the bed. "I'm pretty sure Matthew knew and Marilla knows it was on my adoption papers and I know Miss Stacy knew but, I've never told anyone it." She said quietly.
"Not even Diana?" Gilbert asked her.
"She wouldn't understand." Anne said quietly.
Gilbert swallowed standing up although Anne couldn't help but notice how adorable his curls were when completely untamed upon waking. "Anne if you ever need to talk about it more, if you ever need me, I'll be here." He told her.
She looked at him and wrapped her arms around him "My best friend." She whispered to him. "You'll never change, will you? You'll always be the sweetest man alive." She said before she pulled away and stroked his cheek for a moment before she pulled her hand away "I better go." She whispered.
She started to take off the letterman's jacket to which he objected "No Anne," he said with a chuckle "that jacket belongs to you." He told her.
"Thank you." She whispered kissing him on the cheek before she left. She quickly ran down the steps of the dorms building and pushed the door open to outside. It was only there she stopped to take breath. She had attempted to stay over at Roy's on a few occasions which either ended in her slapping him away or else he would be fast asleep and she's be perched uncomfortably on the edge of the bed not getting any sleep (and Roy had never stayed in Pattys Place). That had been the strangest sensation, once everything had hit her at the morning light. She had slept so comfortably in Gilbert's strong arms his strong masculine smell had been the first scent she had smelled this morning. She couldn't believe it! Gil knew everything! Everything! He had been perfect to her about it, he believed the things which he said, she had no doubt about them and she had slept so comfortably so close to him.
The next day when Roy presented himself at the door of Pattys Place that Anne stood in shock at his appearance.
"Roy?!" She exclaimed looking at him, "What happened to your eye?" She asked him.
"Oh, yes." He said shading pink a while. "Strangest thing in the world, some bloke with a Star Wars hoodie came up and gave me this on my run this morning."
Anne looked amazed at him. "Did you get a look at the guy?" she asked him as she closed the door behind her swinging her backpack onto her back.
"No, the hoodie was right up over his head, though he was at least five inches taller than me." Roy said.
"A Star Wars hoodie?" She teased "Being beat up by the geeks now."
He stood his ground firmly "I'm not weak!" he defended.
"I know you aren't, Roy I was kidding." She said with a sympathetic smile to him.
"Sorry." He said quietly "I'm all riled up from this." He said.
"Understandably." Anne said as they arrived at his car.
Roy exclaimed "I can't believe this!"
Anne's hand went over her mouth. "Is this new?" she asked him as a scratch as long as the car was grooved into the side of the car.
"Yes, I only just came up here, The boy must still be around," he said looking up and down the street "I can't believe this, this is the third thing to happen this morning!" He exclaimed before he started walking but Anne stopped him with her hand.
"Third thing?" She asked him.
"Yes, very junior high, when I got back to my locker at the swimming pool someone had managed to get a fish in there, yes a fish, stunk out the locker and my clothes and left a note saying 'never use force' whatever the hell that meant."
Roy was too busy looking up and down the street to notice the look of recognition on Anne's face as she quickly looked down the street to the secret hiding places she knew she spotted him, not even far from them, He grinned at her and winked and shrugged as he stood there in his Star Wars hoodie his curls loose over his face as if he hadn't brushed them.
Anne's lips played with a smile before she distracted Roy by putting her arms around him and looking up at him.
"I'll find him!" Roy exclaimed.
"Its only a scratch." She said looking at him "and the perpetrator will be miles away by now, you know how they run and hide, there's no real damage done we'll take it to the dealers this morning if you like and get it rubbed out." She calmed him. "And you know the old saying about these things happening…" she brought her head over his shoulder and looked directly at Gilbert his hazel eyes playing with hers "…in threes." She said to Gilbert rather then Roy.
Gilbert's smile widened at her looking at him and smiling at him too. Her mouth wording 'Thank you'.
Gilbert nodded in acknowledgement of Anne's thank you and her wordless warning to him that three things were quite enough. She watched as her knight in Star Wars armour walked down the street in the opposite direction to which she and Roy were going and she suddenly felt the safest she had since she was actually in his arms the previous night, Anne pulled back and said to Roy "Come on lets go." She said with a soft smile to him. They got in the car and Roy looked to her "You have that necklace back on." He said looking at her again. "Let me buy you something pretty for your neck Anne?" he asked her.
"All you'll buy is something too expensive and a waste of money." She said with a grin playing with the chain "and anyway its part of me." She said with a slight grin to her face.
Now you see why I'm begging those who have been affected by it to please sought the help you need. Its too much and you do NOT need to do it alone.
So, from the moment I knew I was going past the Anne of Green Gables point, I knew this would happen. This was on the cards so I was able to write in her reactions to reflect her situation.
Think back to her over reaction to him pulling her hair, how she was so unforgiving.
Think back to her reaction when Prissy was being groomed (because lets face it that's what it was) by Mr Phillips.
Think back to her trying to fool herself into thinking that Gilbert "didn't think of her like that"
Think of her not seeing Gilbert as a boyfriend and her reaction to that kiss.
Think of her not being able to just leave Roy. Because she was in a relationship, trying to make it work because she wanted to prove she could be in a relationship but unable to share this with him for fear of judgement.
I think had Anne and Gilbert have talked a couple of weeks after they kissed Anne would have told him then. I think Gilbert moving away really hurt her because given those extra little time she could tell him and he would have been ready for her there and then (even though he says later he might not have been, he would, because Gilbert has been a little knight in shining armour) and she has needed him. She loves him and its coming...
Its been a hard plot to write because it is so real and it happens and I wanted it to be real I wanted it to be understood...
Abuse is never okay.
Its never EVER your fault. No matter what the circumstances, no matter your age, the way you dress, your gender or sexual orientation, it is not okay and if you find it in your circumstances, GET OUT. Take yourself and anyone else vulnerable to the person and LEAVE and find help, because you will need it. It does not make you weak.
There are a number of organisations worldwide which can get you set in the right direction. The biggest worldwide is (called here in the UK) childline, or internationally child helpline network.
UK childline 0800 1111
USA child abuse helpline 1.
Canada Kids Help Phone 1-800-668-6868
Australia kids helpline 1800 55 1800
Haiti Jurimedia (509) 34 44 18 39
There are numerous other helpline worldwide if you go to www. childhelplineinternational. org (without the spaces, fanfiction doesn't let you put in outside links on their pages for obvious reasons) there is a list of every child line (or the equivalent) on there.
As for us adults there are a number of national charities and councillors which are there to help.
Love to you all
Carrots x