"Right. Who showed Ianthe that video on YouTube?"
Emily glared at the entire room full of people, including the whole Protectorate ENE complement and all the Wards as well, plus a number of scientists and technicians. They exchanged glances in a way that, to her, spoke volumes about guilt.
Eventually, Dennis put his hand up. "Um… I may have posted a link to a funny video?"
She fixed her glare on him and dialed it up a notch, making him fidget. Another hand going up distracted her. Professor Franklin smiled in a somewhat worried manner. "I was corresponding with the Family on some technical details of their latest product and may have, sort of accidentally, maybe… emailed Saurial a link to an interesting video? Or two?"
"Or three," Professor Whitney said under his voice from next to his colleague. "Or ten."
"Shh, don't tell her that," the other man hissed, not looking away from Emily's face. Which, she could tell, was going somewhat darker in color at this point.
She damn well knew the sort of videos this lunatic thought were 'interesting' after all.
Opening her mouth to shout, she instead closed it again when Ethan put his hand up. He was grinning. Of course. "I met Raptaur and Metis down town and we were talking about what sort of hobbies the Family had back home. Then I showed them some cool stuff on my phone."
"Of course you did," she gritted. "Have we learned nothing from experience? I take it everyone remembers the giant flying turnip incident?"
Quite a few people winced, including Colin and Hannah. Ethan snickered. "Oh, yes, that was absolutely epic."
"I'm glad you think so," she snarled. "Chief Director Costa-Brown was less enthusiastic about it."
The irritating man merely shrugged. "She needs to lighten up."
Emily stared at him for several seconds, then looked around the room some more. "Anyone else feel like sharing with us?"
A number of other hands went up, one by one, and she sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Oh, god. Why me..." Eventually, she decided the only way to keep track was to play the videos on the big screen and take notes.
That way she would know precisely how much blame to assign. And to whom.
There was certainly enough to go around.
"All right. That explains the reports of giant crabs armed with short swords who have been terrifying the E88 for the last two days," Emily groaned, writing a few more things in her notebook. "They've literally, actually, complained about it." Dennis looked annoyingly pleased with himself, until she shot him a filthy look. "Although so far no one has taken credit for the chainsaw-wielding coyote. Or the outsize road-runner with the anti-tank gun who was chasing it all through the boardwalk last night."
"I think they may have come up with that themselves," Dean suggested with a faint smile on his face. "Although I did read something on PHO about Über and Leet thinking about doing a cartoon-themed event. Maybe that was something to do with it?"
"I neither know nor care," she grumbled. "As long as it doesn't happen again."
"The coyote was seen buying bird-seed in fifty pound bags this morning down at the farm supply..." one of the PRT troopers began, only to snap his mouth shut and come to attention when she looked at him.
"Moving on," she said, not looking away until she judged he was sufficiently pale. "I can reasonably assume that the massive blast in the middle of the bay three days ago was down to one of your videos, Franklin. It has your name all over it. Literally."
"I have no idea how they managed to get five tons of sodium to go off like that in such a complex pattern," the scientist smiled happily, "but it was amazingly impressive. I suggested that mixing it with potassium might..." Again, she glared. Again, someone swallowed their next words.
"You will not suggest anything explosive to the Family," she said in a low, steady voice that still made several people shiver. "We do not need another example of how large a bang one can produce with enough thermite and ice. Once was enough. The Coast Guard was complaining for over a week, both about the unexpected iceberg, and the very sudden removal of said iceberg. Apparently they were rather closer than they liked to what Commander Niles vividly described as 'A doorway into hell' in his report."
"It was pretty impressive," Franklin smiled, looking pleased.
"He underlined it. Twice. With four exclamation points. The man is not happy, and oddly enough, while he said he was sure it was down to the Family, your name also came up." She stared at him. "Apparently he remembers the attempted tsunami generator with less fondness than might be desired."
"I told you that we should have used less explosives," Professor Whitney said quietly.
"Less?" Franklin looked surprised. "I thought you said more."
"You're an idiot."
"You smell funny."
"Gentlemen?" Both of them looked at her. "Be quiet."
Satisfied that she'd briefly restored order, she looked down at her notes, then at the video that was currently playing. "OK. Now, which one of you geniuses talked about sentient noodles? Only this particular incident is going to go down in the record boo..."
There was a commotion at the door, causing everyone to look over. Corporal Savage from operations was hurrying in with a clipboard in hand. He dashed over and handed it to her. Reading the report on it, she sighed heavily, rubbing her forehead. 'I need another holiday,' she thought. A little further down, she read a particular word, which caused her to stop, then re-read the report. Smiling a little viciously, she handed it back. "Owls armed with tasers are definitely a little weird, but as long as they're only targeting mimes we can let it slide for now. Monitor the situation and let me know if it changes."
"Ma'am," he said, saluting, then left again.
"OK, where were we?" A check of her notes let her gather her thoughts. "Ah." Looking up, she examined the group. "Forget the noodles. Who mentioned sharks and lasers in the same sentence? We're getting complaints from the fishing industry, apparently they keep finding nets that have had holes melted in them. Underwater, which is a good trick."
Carlos looked around shiftily, then slumped in his seat.
"I see. We're going to have to have a little talk, I think," Emily muttered, shaking her head. "Before that, though, I would like some sensible suggestions concerning what to do about the large octopus that keeps stealing sushi from the various restaurants on the boardwalk while wearing a mask and shouting about the violence inherent in the system. It's beginning to even annoy the tourists..."
"We could oppress it?" Dennis immediately said in helpful tones.
She looked at him, then her notes, before leaning back in her chair and putting her hands over her eyes. Pressing hard, she tried pretending that she'd never heard of either Brockton Bay or the Family.
It didn't seem to help.