Hi Everyone,

I know I've left it a while since my last posting, just because I'm so mega busy! But its all starting to settle again, I think so I think I'm doing okay!

Thank you all for your beautiful reviews, some of you have obviously been touched by the subject matter in more then one way! I am so sorry for all of you who have had to go through this, I don't think it matters when they are miscarried, each time has its own challenges, and I'm sorry.

Guest, hey don't worry about your reviews, yes the happiness was needed in the previous chapter, but as well with a lot of my stories, I just assume those conversations would be had and I don't always write about it. I think their parents may have had concerns about it but they were there the whole weekend so those conversations could be had later, I don't always make it clear they were said at all!

Kim, bless you! Just make sure you log in! The system I believe logged everyone out for security reasons earlier in the month (maybe the end of last month?) probably why you didn't see you were logged out!

So we continue on, and this chapter is no picnic! But its really important, some of you said things very similar to this, I mean luckily its fiction I get to resolve it, I know it doesn't always resolve in real life

love to you all

Carrots x

Anne watched Gilbert one late night with an odd mixed feeling.

Physically, Gilbert had been there for her. Quite literally, from the moment they had rushed her into hospital well into her recovery, he had taken care of her. She'd been laid in bed and even while he went off to medical school he left her in the capable hands of his mother. Literally making sure every moment that Anne was okay.

Emotionally, he'd let her cry, he held her close, he'd stay with her hushing her to sleep. He'd seen her through her darkest emotions and let her feel!

That had been the intensely good.

But she watched him as he typed away at his computer, no doubt focusing on something important, but she wondered, had he focused on losing Joy at all?

The way he behaved she had to say no. She had to believe no, in actuality, she knew Gilbert held so much passion in his heart.

She sighed.

Then why had he not cried?

Why had he not talked of her?

But, it didn't really make sense, for Gilbert to be so disconnected from his feelings but it ran raw with her.

"Gil?" she questioned.

"What is it love?" he asked her his head shooting up he looked at her with such anticipation, as if he expected to say 'how high' to her 'jump'. "Do you need anything?"

Her lips upturned for a moment before she said quietly "I-I need for you to talk." She told him.

"Oh?" he asked. "What about?"

"Joy." She said quietly. The very name drained the colour from his cheeks.

"Oh-O-okay." He replied quietly.

Anne looked at him and waited for him to say something to her, anything which would make it easier for her to start, but when no words came she said "I miss her."

The three words appeared to have little effect on him, which was the strangest of sensations, her conscious was telling her 'looks can be deceiving' and that Gilbert will be hurting, but there wasn't any response from him other then a small nod and a swallowing action from him.

"Is it not strange?" she asked him "I mean, I was barely half way through my pregnancy, she was so tiny but I feel as though there's this massive gap where she should be, I mean I would still be pregnant right now, that's how unbelievable it is."

Gilbert moved across the room sitting with her on the cuddle chair he wrapped his arms around her kissing into her hair gently. "What do you think?" she asked him.

There was a marked silence where she could hear his heart beating fast in his chest, he breathing uneven but still his outward appearance remained calm "I think, you're so brave Anne, I'm sorry you're in so much pain." He took a deep breath then said "If I could take it from you I would."

Anne cuddled into his chest, she couldn't help but know she was in the safest place in the world right now. It only took a couple of minutes for her mind to return to the same place as before, a lack of expression on his part, what was his feelings?

She supposed, she might never know.

Wednesdays were Gilbert's favourite day, he used to joked. It was his favourite because it was the given day and time which the medical students got time to simply study. Where Gilbert enjoyed the hustle of the hospital, he liked the physical work, he did fins himself missing the paperwork the study of it, so Wednesday 5pm he would finish at the hospital be back through the door at 5:20 and settled studying by half past he'd happily stay there all night.

Which was why when Anne saw half seven on a Wednesday come and go without so much as a text from Gilbert she started to worry.

"I thought you said Wednesdays was Gilbert's early finish." Mrs Blythe asked her confused.

"I did." Anne replied "It is."

"Oh." Mrs Blythe replied confused as the lift rang, the doors opened and in came Gilbert. "You're late." Mrs Blythe said.

"Yeah sorry." He admitted going to the table and putting his laptop there.

"Did they make you do the full shift at the hospital?" Anne asked.

"No." He replied in an eerily calm manner.

"Did- did you need to go to a lecture?" she asked him.

"No." He replied "Just needed to take care of something." He said shortly.

Anne looked at him surprised but turned back to her own work at hand this hadn't been the first time he had been short about where he had been, it probably wouldn't be the last.

Anne tossed in bed a few days later, her head pounding from the lack of consistent sleep since they lost Joy. She reached to try to find Gilbert beside her but instead found an empty bed. She sighed heavily before she got up out of bed and went into the living area, after all it wouldn't have been the first time he had fallen asleep in front of the computer screen. So she was even more surprised when he was no where to be found in the living area either. She sighed confused and went to look for the clock, maybe it was earlier then she thought, maybe she had snoozed and woke believing it was the middle of the night when she saw the clock it read 12:45. Well, the possibility of him having fallen asleep in the library was slim to none, security were especially vigilant of clearing the buildings of students. Anne sighed and headed towards the refrigerator when the elevator binged Anne looked towards it to see Gilbert staggering in.

"Anne." He said surprised. "I thought you'd be asleep."

"I was, of sorts." She said "I just needed a drink." She said pulling out her bottled water.

He swallowed and looked at her tired.

"Where were you?" she asked him.

"I told you I was going out with some of the boys." He told her.

"You didn't." Anne said to him.

His hand hit the counter so hard Anne wondered if it didn't hurt, but as soon as he looked up he was deadpan in the eyes and voice "I don't need to tell you where I am twenty four hours a day."

Anne moved closer to him to try and work out what was wrong but stepped back in shock when she could smell the alcohol on him. "Oh wow!" she said stunned.

"So what, I'm allowed to drink." He said again deadpan to her.

"Allowed?" she asked quietly "I didn't say you couldn't but you must have drank a lot." She said.

"So what?!" he claimed, Anne praying his mother wouldn't wake at the sound of voices. She did not want Mrs Blythe to see her son drunk.

"You're not exactly famous for holding your liquor Gil." She whispered. "What's going on with you? This isn't you."

His face hardened, but no words came before he stepped back and went into the bedroom.

Anne half exhausted half worried held her head in hands for a moment looking towards the bedroom door. She sighed and went over to her laptop, knowing she wouldn't sleep for a good long while now.

An hour later Anne took a bucket some aspirin and a glass of water to his bedside. She slipped around the other side of the bed and lay back.

"Sorry." She heard him say quietly.

She sighed but said "It'll be fine Gil, just go to sleep." She told him.

There was once upon a time her man would have snuggled into her, kissed her senseless in a frenzied make out session. A part of her was glad this Gilbert didn't, but another part of her broke a little.

They hadn't been intimate since loosing Joy. She was glad of this, having sex right now would just be a reminder of what they had lost, but there was a difference wasn't there? They had always been intimate, they hadn't always had sex and it was a longing for intimacy right now she seemed to forever be chasing with him.

Did he not miss the intimacy, for that matter did he not miss the sex?

She considered the idea where he might have been tonight, last week, every time he was late back, then shook her head. "Don't be ridiculous Shirley." She whispered to herself.

A few days more Anne and Gilbert were sitting across from each other, their laptops touching their phones lay next to each other they were both studying in their own worlds but at least side by side.

Gilbert had wandered off to the bathroom before Mrs Blythe said "It's always nice to see you two like this."

Anne looked up confused for a moment before she continued.

"It reminds me of when you used to come over and you'd study for hours together, It just, it reminds me of then." Mrs Blythe said to Anne.

Anne smiled and nodded "we always liked to study together, that first year and a half of university we were always together studying out things together, even though our subjects were quite different, it was like I could study better knowing he was right there." Anne smiled.

"He took a couple of modules so you could study together those first couple of years you know?" Mrs Blythe smiled.

"He-he did?" Anne asked.

Mrs Blythe smiled "how many pre-med students had an interest in creative writing." Mrs Blythe laughed.

"Gilbert!" Anne exclaimed "he..." Anne trailed "I..." she continued. "I can't believe I didn't work that out."

Mrs Blythe laughed "You once said you said you loved him at that point?" she questioned.

Anne smiled softly remembering the first year "I couldn't admit it, out of sheer fear of what it meant, I couldn't do it to him!" she remember, "but I loved every second we spent together, I loved that night he turned up in a dress." Anne smiled.

Mrs Blythe smiled "Oh I can imagine!"

"We danced around my tiny room, I lead of course."

"Well he couldn't with that dress!" Mrs Blythe quipped.

"We laughed the whole time!" Anne smiled remembering it. Her face fell and she looked down into her lap "We were so happy. He was so happy." She added quietly.

"Anne." She whispered walking over to her and sitting beside her "Sweetheart you do make him happy."

"Do I?" Anne asked with a hollow chuckle.

"Sweetheart, do you remember?" she asked her "When you told me everything I needed to know, I told you he wasn't good with expressing the bad emotions."

Anne looked to Mrs Blythe and nodded. "But, he's not expressing at all." Anne said quietly, "I ask and he's blank, its just a blank slate."

"He's always been..." she started before Gilbert's phone beeped as a message came through where his mother looked to the screen, she looked confused at the screen for a moment before she shook her head "Was that Christine's name that came up?" She asked looking at the screen.

Gilbert came out of the bathroom where Anne said "Your phone buzzed."

"Really?" he questioned.

He picked up the phone, Anne looked to Gilbert for his reaction to the phone but when he didn't remark she said "Christine?" she questioned.

He looked at her his eyes wide he asked her "did you read it?" he asked quickly.

"Well..." Anne started.

"How many other messages have you read?" he snapped.

"She's read none." His mother interrupted "I saw Christine's name come up when the message came through, Anne didn't see it at all." She told him firmly.

Anne looked to him shocked at his reaction, he muttered a sorry taking his laptop and phone into the bedroom.

Anne swallowed her eyes filling with tears her hands started to shake

"Anne?" Mrs Blythe asked her taking her hands in hers.

"What's happening to him?" Anne asked starting to sob.

"Where were you?" Anne asked him as he came in the apartment, it was now six weeks after they had lost Joy, things had became strained in the apartment Mrs Blythe stood by watching the scene unfold.

"A little thing called medical school Anne." He muttered to her.

"Really?" she asked "Because Josh was here two hours ago asking if he could borrow your notes, I had to tell him I had no idea where you were." Anne said.

Gilbert swallowed looking down into his hands.

"What's going on Gil?." she stopped and shook her head. "What are you not telling me, we used to tell each other everything but..." she paused then quietly added "I can't believe I'm asking this... are you cheating on me?" she asked him.

"Is that what you think of me?" he asked her flatly.

"Misdirecting the question much?" Anne asked him sarcastically.

"Come on and sit..." Mrs Blythe tried to intervene before Anne snapped at Gilbert

"Or is it a guilty conscious?" Anne asked.

"If you think I would cheat then leave." The words were flat and unemotional, detached and cold.

Both Anne and Mrs Blythe looked to him shocked. Anne eyes went wide before Mrs Blythe tried "Gilbert you don't mean that."

"Will people stop trying to tell me what I mean and what I don't." Gilbert chilled without emotion.

"Gilbert!" Anne exclaimed in shock that he would talk to his mother like that.

"I didn't mean it when I propose?" he looked up at Anne with a cold echo and gaze then turned to his mother "I don't mean it when I said leave?!" said equally to his mother. "When do I mean what I say?" he asked.

"When you talk sense!" his mother snapped at him. "Anne..." she started thinking she could talk sense to her but she turned to Anne to see the girl mouse like and pale.

"You mean that?" Anne asked him. "You want me to leave?" she asked wide eyed, he only stood, silent and dumb.

Anne swallowed then looking down at her feet said "if it'll make you happy." She said softly as she dodged around him and headed to the bedroom.

His mother looked horrified at her son before she followed Anne into the bedroom. She saw as Anne brought down a small luggage bag, opening it on the bed in front of her.

"Please don't go Anne." Mrs Blythe said to her.

Anne swallowed and shook her head "When he was in that accident, the one after senior year I swore to him, he was unconscious but I swore, I would do whatever made him happy, I would nurse him the rest of my life because that is the love he deserves, but if it made him happy I would also leave." She sobbed "...and I stand by it." She said with a shrug.

"But Anne, you love him!" Mrs Blythe pleaded.

"And I always will." She said with a cry, "I'm leaving because I love him." Anne said to her.

"No, Anne, it won't it won't make him happy."

"But he's not telling me what's going on, where he is, what he's doing, you know this, you've been here since we lost Joy six weeks ago, six weeks! He's kept on going, he doesn't talk, he doesn't say how he feels and he doesn't even tell me where he's going anymore, where is he? Because we both know its not medical school all of the time, so what else can I do?" she asked. She took a deep sigh "I have to stay for my job, but I'll um, I'll go and stay with Phil." Anne said quietly. Zipping up the bag with the few items she had taken.

"Anne, please don't." Mrs Blythe asked her as Anne picked up the bag and left the bedroom.

Mrs Blythe followed her out glaring at her son who was still standing in the same position as they left him in. "Apologise, now!" she demanded of him. "Gilbert Blythe, stop her now!" she demanded.

Gilbert's eyes dimmed as the elevator was called and Anne wouldn't look back, his gut was turning his head was spinning, but still he couldn't speak, the feeling didn't subside as the doors slid open and Anne left the apartment, his silence was all the confirmation she needed.