Look at me! I have a spare five minutes! Miracles do still happen. I'll be honest and tell you, this will probably be the last you see of me until after the new year now, next week my hubby is off work and we have a thousand things to do, school insists on packing everything into the last week of school and so we are blessed with a carol service and the Christmas dinner and this is actually the first year my hubby will be around fro all those things, other family commitments will see us busy even more then just our 2 children on Christmas day, and I'm not complaining but busy means busy this time of year. I will endeavour to sit and write out some more chapters of this at some point though, and its actually a nice chapter to take a break on, its one of those moment which is nice to write about. Also again I love writing in Gilbert's first person POV and again this was written when I was extremely tired! But I write Gilbert so much better when tired!
Thank you for all your reviews. I do enjoy to read them even if I don't get the chance to write back.
love
Carrots x
A day every medical student waits for is Matching Day.
You work so hard, every day, to retain all of the information you need to pass exams, and for a while it seems as though those exams are life and death, and you're so focused on that for so long, then every once in a while you look up and you realise that actually, those exams are not life and death, but as a result of taking those exams you literally have life and death in your hands.
Its awe inspiring and terrifying at the same time.
Because to your patient, at worse you are the difference between life and death, at best you improve their lives.
There's this process we all go through, very single one of us, no matter which doctor you meet.
We've all been through some kind of pre-med education. Whether it be like me who went through an undergraduate degree in Bio Medical science or you take a year out and do the premed foundation year, then even that's no guarantee you get into medical school, The average acceptance rate nearly halved between 2006 and 2016, falling from 8.8 percent for the class entering in 2006 to 4.6 percent for the class entering in 2016 (I know, I looked it up).It was hard to believe when I got accepted, not many get through straight from university on to the medical programmes, in fact I know out of the ten of us that applied only Josh and I got into medical school, 4 of the others went onto do a masters programme two went into the armed forced, the other two, I don't know actually, its hard to keep up with everyone.
There's very little acknowledgement too. Your family know of course, what you're doing and how you're doing, but sometimes people overlook how hard you work with "yeah he's at medical school" and yes its an achievement but its the little achievements while you're there, that make all the difference, and I know I'm not in it for the acknowledgement, I'm not, otherwise I would have quit a long time ago, but its still nice to celebrate achievements.
That's what Match Day is all about.
The third Friday in March, is a day every medical student looks forward to. I know in some universities you get your white coat on entering medical school, and I understand why its to make you feel part of a community. A medical community but one all the same. Not our university, and you know something, I'm glad. I've always wanted to put on that white coat and know I've earned it! I've imagined the sense of achievement every step of the way. Graduation from School, From college, MCAT, being at medical school, coming top of my class in everything, it hasn't been easy. I know some will say she hasn't been with me at every step, but she has been, even when she wasn't there with me, I'd imagine her there beside me, studying. In fact there were some days I was so convince of her presence (when she wasn't there) that I would look up to speak to her to tell her something and she wouldn't be there. I was angry at myself at the time, how dare I think she was there, how dare I want her there, why could I not get her out of my head? I know differently now of course, and I smile at the memory and I like to think in those times, she was there in spirit. My Kindred Spirit.
But I digress of course (Somehow everything links back to her in my view). Yes, Match Day. The people you love are there, (so in my case Anne, my Mom and Dad) the envelopes are all out on the table, they're there, your dreams starting so tantalisingly close, for me, its been a dream twelve years in the making.
It started of course with all the doctors and nurses who took care of my dad. It was the first notion I had of wanting to enter the medical field. You see, despite me trying to rebel against my parents (something which was about three weeks long) I was still young enough and close enough to them that they were still my heroes. My Mom and my Dad, real life superheroes, and all at once, there was a realisation where they weren't immortal. This wasn't a gradual realisation which most kids go through at some point, whether its before or after the superhero era of their parents existence, where mortality just take a hold of your parents, maybe one day they look old or they fall, or they even fail you in some way. In a twinkling of an eye, my Dad went from Superman to a mortal.
Think about the difference? You're watching Superman and suddenly he's right next to kryptonite, he's weak, barely able to hold up his own head and you're screaming at the TV screen telling him to use his superpowers and just throw it away so it doesn't affect him anymore or to fly away or simply walk, why can't he just walk away? And you realise, it's having a physical effect on him, that someone so super can be brought to his knees, he could even die a moral man because of kryptonite. He's no longer a superman, he's just a man.
So, there was my dad, he ran a farm, he worked with his hands, he's a very physical sort of man, he could do anything. Yes, I had my superheroes, but he was my hero and I was told just like that, he was mortal, there was a possibility he couldn't do this, that he couldn't fight this. He could die.
Once I got over the whole four first stages of anger and got to acceptance, we were already in the hospital for his first round of chemo and I remember these two doctors reading his chart and talking about it. At the time, I had no idea what they were talking about, but you know I was a little obnoxious right?
"What are you talking about?" I asked the two doctors standing right in front of them so they couldn't miss me.
"Gilbert don't bother the doctors..." my mother started.
"But I want to know, can you make my dad better by looking at that paper?" I ask them.
"Gilbert!" My mother reprimanded.
"No, its okay." One said while the other looked slightly annoyed at the presumptuous child he was being confronted by. "The paper helps us assess what we can do to help."
"How?" He continued.
The second doctor rolled his eyes and left while the first doctor pulled up two chairs and asked John if he could show Gilbert his chart to which John confirmed he could.
"Do you know what cancer is?" he asked Gilbert.
"Um, something to do with our cells right?" he questions.
The doctor nodded "Our cells multiply right? And repairs our body and it gets rid of old or dead cells any number of ways, our skin dries and peels along with our blood cells recycling itself in our gut yes?"
"Yes." Gilbert nodded.
"Well there are times those cells mutate, usually, UV, or smoke, alcohol effect us every day, even other environmental factors such as stress can effect us very physically, so much so it changes our cells, which is why in my opinion your dad is so sick, he's physically taken on a lot of stress on his body."
"Because dad doesn't really drink all that much and he doesn't smoke at all." Gilbert said logically.
"So those things are unlikely to be the cause."
"What about UV?" Gilbert asked "he is a farmer he's outside all the time."
The doctor smiled "You think like a doctor young man."
I looked at him a little shocked. I think like a doctor.
There. In that moment, was my first thought of being a doctor.
I remember watching and learning from these doctors in the following years, I even understood one or two bits of medical jargon.
In case you're wondering, that first doctor, was Doctor Dixon.
So here I am, on the edge of that reality which started when I was 13. Slowly, other pieces fell into place, I've longed dreamed of Anne being the one putting my white coat on me, she'd smile at me and congratulate me, I could see her with her own achievements, me being by her side. There's other details of course, I don't think I would have guessed paediatrics twelve years ago, but then at thirteen I thought all the surgeons have the glory have the power have the skill (I mean they cut things up for a living, that's pretty cool to a kid) but my dreams slowly refined themselves and I came to the conclusions myself. There are those around me who had an impact on me, Anne and Joy in particular. My girls. I can't tell you just what happened when Joy came and went, but its made all the difference. Don't get me wrong, I would have been happy as a surgeon, or as a GP, or Oncologist, or anything in the medical field, but I feel this one is my calling and maybe Joy helped me realise it.
Yesterday, I got an e-mail confirming I had been matched. My heart jumped of course, because that's the most terrifying part, is not getting matched. There's an even longer wait you see, if you don't get matched, for any vacancies and it might not be the hospital or the programme you want. So that e-mail confirming I'd been matched to one of my four schools, was a relief, today and that envelope, that just tells me which one.
I've dressed in a new suit my parents brought with them. Its grey in colour, with a waistcoat and a dark purple tie. There's a knock on the bathroom door, I can tell by the knock its Anne before she speaks.
"Are you ready Gil?" she calls through the door. I open the door pulling her in quickly and lock the door before I quickly hold her in my arms. "Are you alright?" she asks me shocked.
"Its happening!" I chuckle nervously still holding her before I quickly press my lips to hers to make sure it isn't all a dream. Nope, I conclude with the feeling of her lips against mine, even in my dreams her lips could never feel like this. "Oh thank god this is real."
She smiles I can feel her jaw move to her smile against my cheek. "It a day long dreamed of." She chuckles "Its so nice to have dreams come true." She said pulling back and looking into my eyes.
All over again I look into her eyes and I'm in awe of her, her patience, her vivacious, "What of you Anne-Girl, what of your dreams?" I ask her.
"They're right here Gil, can't you see them?" she asks me. "Filled of you and me, our home our life together." She smiled "People think we need big and grad ventures in life, but the reality is, by simple steps along a path, a spectacular view is awaiting, we don't get there by standing still at the beginning of the path, but when we take simple steps one after another and another, its like a hike a never ending hike, its not until we get to certain points of view that we're able to see how far we've come." She smiled "Today is one of those days."
I smile, I love her visualisations, they are so true to life. "And yours?" I ask her.
"My path is beside yours." She smiles. "I love you Gil, but you're a walking companion, not the designation." She tell me her eyebrow flirting.
I smile "I like that." I admit. "We're on it together, our designation the same."
"Together." She says reaching again for a kiss which as ever I wilfully give. "Are you ready to be matched?"
I smile "I can't wait for that white coat moment!" I exclaim.
"Are you sure you want me to..." she starts.
"Yes!" I exclaim.
"But surely one of your parents..." she trails.
"Would do a fine job, but its not them I've dreamed of giving me it." He said.
"I don't deserve..." she starts but I cut her off with another kiss. I ache when she says things like that. I know what she's doing, she's punishing herself for the two years we missed together, she has such a low opinion of herself that she believes that somehow she's not good enough for me.
Not good enough! My mind can't analyse the thought. She's far too good for me, and that's not detrimental to me, she close to an angel, deity, a goddess, and I a mere mortal. I pull back and speak before she's able to "even if it were true and you didn't deserve it, don't I deserve it?" I ask her.
I see her resolve melt away, her eyes change to the comforting grey as she smiled "I love you." She tells me.
"I love you." I reply and I finally look at her dress. "I know this dress."
"Yes you do." She smiled sweetly.
The dress was a knee length and puffed out a little. It was dark purple. The waist was adorned with tiny crystals which looked like flowers and leaves the top was sheer hiding her chest and collarbone from view, its the one she wore the night of the Christmas dance in junior year, the one where I valiantly fought off Charlie for her, our first real hug, the first time I held her in my arms, the first...
I blush like I did back in high school. She still has that effect on me, even all these years later.
"Its not too formal is it? Or sparkly?" she asks.
"No... you're very…pulchritudinous." I tell her honestly with a knowing smile the same smile reflected back on her face.
"You said that then too." She said outloud.
"Well," I admit "At least I get to hold you on my arm this time." I whisper in her ear.
"You did get to hold me in your arms last time." She blushes as she turns and reach for the door handle out of the bathroom before I grab her and pull her in close so she could make no mistake on just how beautiful she was to me. "Oh?" she flirted her eyes dancing with mine before I finally kiss her "I thought it would go nicely with your tie." She says when I pull back a little.
Not for the first time she makes me speechless, I nod in appreciation.
Its time for us to find out.
I'm standing playing with my envelope, despite being top of the class, I still have to wait for alphabetical order. Many open theirs as soon as it hits their hand, Josh being one of them.
"Yes!" he exclaimed grabbing me and hugging. "I'm staying here!" he exclaimed. "Oh thank God!"
"Congratulations!" I said genuinely.
"What are you waiting for?" Josh demanded "Open it!"
"I'm going to do it at the stand." I tell him.
Josh's face fell for a moment before he said "If you get your first choice..." he trailed.
"Yeah." I acknowledge. "End of an era."
Josh swallows and I look surprised, its not like him to be serious but it looks like he's about to be "You know you're my best friend."
"Yeah." I tell him, "You're mine." I say truthfully, outside of Anne, even Charlie and I were never able to be like Josh and I. "Come on, we'll stay in touch and I mean really will," I tell him, then twist a smile "Anne will make sure of it." I chuckle.
He chuckles too and looks over to her "If it were just you I'd question it, but not her." He tells me. "I'll miss her too." He said shaking his head. "You know, you two, your mom and dad, its the closest to family I have." He said quietly.
"They didn't come." I observe out loud. "Josh..."
"They've done some pretty low stuff you know," he says with a shrug, "You know, you know I've worked my way through, I thought it might be enough..." he shrugs.
I embrace him again and whisper "I'm proud of you." I tell him "You know that right?" I remind him. I smile and only half tease "You know you're a brother from another mother, right?" I say, when he doesn't give me eye contact at first I say it again "Right?"
He looks up and smiles "Yeah, yeah you too."
It was when we were lining up for the podium I finally realised what a dumb idea it was to open it there. Nerves are setting in.
Ahmed. I can feel my purse increase.
Aliyev. I can hear the pounding in my ears.
Amar. What if I mess up? What about Anne's plans. What if...
Anderson, Okay now they are just showing off with their surnames being in A's come on!
"Bell" Okay B's, excellent Blythe begins with B.
"Bilton." Now they are kidding right? I bounce on the balls of my feet, impatiently waiting, if this were a dream this would be the part where just as they were about to call my name I'd wake.
"Blythe, Gilbert." That's me! There's no one else in front of me, I get to the podium and rip open the envelope.
Right here. I have to memorise this moment, take it all in, I look out and see my parents with eager faces, my mom recording it on her mobile phone, curse Anne for teaching her how to use a smart phone! I know we'll see them more with a half an hour to forty five minute car journey. I really hope I've not disappointed them. The paper taken out of the envelope I look to Anne, there's that look, the one I saw in high school the first time I imagined it, Oh but its all so sweeter in reality! And here to share this with me. I flip the paper, and read the words.
Relief spreads through my body I feel like collapsing! I hold onto the podium with a wide smile
"I'll be a Resident in Paediatrics with Kingsport University at the Queen Elizabeth on PEI!" I blurt out. I see out of the corner of my eye Anne jump on the spot at the news in excitement my parents both standing cheering. I turn to Anne and land rather ungracefully in her arms. "I did it!" I whisper to her. "I actually did it!"
I can feel her chuckling before I pull back, managing to hold my own this time. She smiles and offers me the white coat, I turn and she puts it on me, I finally turn toward her as she straightens the coat I look down at her, this was it, this was the moment long awaited for, she looks up her grey eyes have specks of green dancing in them, her smile sweet, she pulls me in and kisses me respectable on the lips. "Congratulations," she tells me before I open my eyes to her saying "Doctor Blythe." We walk off the stage and I vaguely hear the next person being called up, we go to the photography area.
"One of the Doctor," he says "and any others for later?" he asked.
"Yes." I reply immediately "one of me and my fiancée and one with my parents too."
"We'll get those later." He replied "Please." I stand and pose with the background behind me, I normally hate these posed pictures, don't get me wrong I love when we're all smiling at the camera but the fake background kind of ones, but today, I feel proud to stand there.