I just want to say thank you- thank you to everyone still reading this, the story is so long (I really should have broken it down into smaller reads!) and I know I'm sporadic in posting, but I do appreciate, every comment, every like and follow, it puts a smile on a girls face who sometimes feels so terribly out of her depth in life!

love Carrots x

I smile at the crowd we have in front of us.

Gilbert and I certainly know how to make friends. Whoever knows us, knows that.

You see today is one of those days. Its beautiful and wonderful, but also bittersweet.

It's my turn to graduate today you see.

I loved seeing Gilbert succeeding. He sometimes has such low self esteem, I wonder how I ever thought he was arrogant. He had a long way from beginning to end you see, and I suppose I have too, and of course its not the end of our story at all. I doubt we're even beginning it, but He's now Doctor Gilbert Blythe. I'm Anne Shirley (so soon to be Anne Blythe I get such tantalising chills just thinking about it!) M.A.

I had my graduation this morning, along with Owen and Katherine, both of whom are present this evening. Its a celebration you see, of success, for all of us.

Owen has a contract with a publishers. Its a series of books writing memoirs with war heroes. They loved his work so much with Captain Jim, they ordered a whole series!

Leslie got her place on the midwifery course at the university, they'll be staying in Kingsport for the foreseeable future and the Lambs signed the contract with them on this apartment! They move in next week!

Thanks to Katherine's excellent work as a junior editor at our publishers she's been offered a junior editors job at The University of Toronto Press! By title it is a step sideways but imagine working your way up somewhere like that! She finally has her first book published!

Cornelia have finally accepted her fate of 'falling in love with a man', although in concept she is quite outraged, in practice I think she is finding it quite lovely. She plans on continuing to nanny, she loves those children she takes care of very much! I don't know, maybe one day she might want some of her own!

Lastly, me. Yes I have my M.A I am very proud of it, I also got my place at the University of PEI in Charlottetown for my teachers certificate! I will very soon be a teacher too!

Gilbert was right about our little house too. It is beautiful! Although we don't plan to move in until after we're married in August! Ingleside Drive is 6 minutes drive from the hospital, it needs some modernisation, few licks of paint , but you can move right into it, and Gilbert and I have already decided to spend our honeymoon, honeymooning in our new home, so we can get paint on the wall to make it look better and Fred's brother is a plumber, he installs bathrooms and kitchens, so we have a fair deal with him to do the essentials and Gilbert already has plans to do some DIY on our honeymoon! So we have almost a month to work our honeymoon! Oh but I do look forward to it! Making it ours! Making us ours!

Today is a celebration! But a bittersweet one, I love the family we've made here, I love the comfort I find in them. I guess, its something I find easier I suppose, with having moved around so much when I was younger to find comfort where I can. Gilbert always says I'm low maintenance, I'm easy to please I suppose I'm content. Isn't that funny? After all that's happened, being content can be hard, but I'm happy, I work hard, I have an amazing fiancé and a close family group. How could I not be content?

"Won't you reconsider?" Phillippa asked me plopping down next to me "You know Kingsport won't be the same without you." She sighed "Like the last time." She muttered.

"We really can't now Phil." I admit, "and despite your good company and all the memories associated here..." I trail and with a smile say "and anyway we've already put our deposit on the house. I have my place at university, Gil is all set."

"Our Gilbert a doctor!" Phil exclaimed with a smile "I remember the first time I saw him, he was... well he is still..."

"Mrs Blake take it easy you'll start blushing soon." I chuckle.

"I was so confused why you were best friends with him but not in love." She said shaking her head "but look eight years later..." Phil smiled.

"Has it really been that long!?" I exclaimed.

Phil smiled and nodded "So much has changed." She said thoughtfully.

"And yet, some hasn't." I say quietly.

Phil looked to me "Are you alright?" she asked.

"I'm just thinking," I admit "I have old friends now." I say shaking my head.

"Not so old thanks very much." Phil acted hurt.

"No, not old friends, friends who I've had a long time. Diana, Fred, Ruby, Josie, Charlie, you, Jo."

"From Avonlea onwards." Phil said quietly.

"Yeah." I say thoughtfully, "and my four year boyfriend, I mean it could have been longer had I..."

"No." Phil said shaking her head. "Don't do that."

"You're the one who reprimanded me when I didn't back in Sophomore year!"

Phil crossed her arms defensively. "Well..." she said in a teasing huff "I think there was more to it then met the eye, which you needed to work through before you were willing to accept the love Gilbert was offering."

I smile and with a nod agreed.

"I once hear it said that we are only ever willing to accept the love with think we're worthy of." Phil said. "Its not just you who learned it, look at my Jo, I think I needed to know that Alex and Alonzo wasn't for me, before I fell for Jo, otherwise I'd be looking for Alex and Alonzo's of the world forever." She admitted. "And you needed to know what love wasn't before you could see what love was."

I smile again. "Yes I can live with that." I say reflecting. "Gilbert is wonderful." I admit quietly. "I wish I could have learnt that lesson just a little sooner, but I'm glad of the friendship we had, even if it was a morphing relationship from the start."

"And here you are, Master of Arts." Phil smiled "and soon to move away, to start, again?" Phil said with a smile.

"No, not to start again, we have each other and our friends we've made over the years here, in our hearts too, I don't think you ever really start over, its all linked together."

Phil smiled "And you like your new home?" Phil asked.

"Oh yes!" I acknowledge.

"What are you so excited about?" Gilbert asked coming over to us.

I grin, "Our future." I tell him in return.

Gilbert blushed for a moment "Yes, that is very exciting." He acknowledged.

"I was telling Phil I have 'old friends' now." I tell him.

He thought for a moment and nodded "Its reassuring." He admits to me and looks me in the eye. I know his thoughts, I know he knows my past, more then anyone, more then any file could tell you, because I've told him it. There's this compassionate look to his eyes whenever its brought up to start with, but he doesn't make me feel like he feels sorry for me. I guess because he knows what loneliness is, what it looks like. We share it in common he and I.

Phil smiles before she's distracted over to Josh.

Gilbert stands beside me for a moment in silence before he says "Its hard to say goodbye to familiarity."

I nod my head "Yeah it is." I admit before I take his hand in mine. He knows what I mean by it. The silent 'as long as I have you' gesture.

Saturday morning is rushed with final packing, Marilla is brought the old truck so we have the room to put in some extra things without overloading the car, she's also towing my empty jeep, driving heavy vehicles isn't exactly hard once you've grown up on a farm. Its hard work but by lunch time everything is loaded.

"Don't feel like you have to follow me exactly, we'll meet back in Avonlea." Marilla tells us before she leaves.

Its not long before we are the only things left standing.

"I know it was never 'home'," Anne admitted, "but it seems so strange to not be thinking of here when I think of where I live."

Gilbert smiled thoughtfully. "Us and the flowers." He said to her "seems a waste to leave them here." He said.

Anne's eyes perked. "Then lets not." She said. "We have one last place to visit before we go." She said to him.

Anne has taken a walk so I can have a private moment to myself as I stand here. I'll do the same for her when she comes back. There's something profound about standing here now, Its no longer a sad place but more, reminds me of what could have happened, what might have happened, but what didn't happen at the pinnacles of my life. I place the cornflowers in my hand on the bench and look to the plague.

"I want you to know, we aren't leaving you." I say to the plague looking at her name. "We can't." I almost chock but hold it together "not really." I nod and look to her name again. "Joy, you need to know what you achieved in your existence, what an impact you had on everyone. I hope wherever you are, you see it." I whisper a bit more fearing I might draw attention to myself if I speak louder. "You changed me forever sweet girl, and I will never ever forget you. Mamma and I, yes we're moving and we might not be here very often but, we won't really be away because we leave a part of us here." I tell her "and that part is part of us and so you'll come too." I can feel my eyes welling I squeeze my hands into them and try to control the upwelling of emotion. "I won't fail you, not ever again." I tell her. I take a deep breath and whimper "I fell in love twice my whole life baby girl, you know, I fell in love with Mamma, and I fell in love with you." I finally recede to my need to sit and sit on the bench marked for her "I love you Joy." I don't know how long I sit there, it couldn't have been longer then five minutes when Anne came back she found my head bowed. She sits beside me and slips her arm round my back before I bury my head into her shoulder as I cry. "I don't know why." I whisper to her.

Anne's hand in my hair playing with the curls I feel her lips upturn next to my scalp. "I do," She admitted "and its normal." I look up into those grey eyes, today they are a dove grey, so clear in colour so exact. "Processing grief takes time, we've kept ourselves busy and when we stop..."

"We get to process it and think." I nod. "Makes sense."

"Its okay to still be sad about it." She says to me.

"Yeah?" I double check.

"Its okay to feel Gilbert, its okay to grieve." She tells me.

An memory of my five stages of denial when my dad was sick pops up in my mind.

"Up, I don't want to get up, I just want to be miserable." I cried. My mom had held me in her arms for another hour that night before I sat up suddenly wiped my eyes and proclaimed "I wish... I wish I didn't have to feel anything."

"Its okay to feel Gilbert." My mom had assured me "Its okay to grieve."

I hadn't believed her at the time. I was thirteen I didn't get it, what's strange is that here I was twelve years later and I'm only just getting to grips with the fact, 'its okay to grieve.' I take Anne's hand for a moment and plant a kiss there smelling her salty and sweet scent before I look to her. "I'll go to the car." I tell her "Give you a few minutes on your own to say..." I shake my head.

"Au revoir." Anne says softly.

I smile and whisper "until we meet again." We look to each other for a few seconds before I kiss her gently on her lips before I stand. I stroke the wood "Au revoir Joy." I whisper before I walk to the car. As I walk away I whisper to myself to remind myself "its okay to grieve." I might still convince myself its okay.

I wait for him to be out of ear shot. "I don't know what your daddy just said." I tell the bench "but its not for me to know." I smile sadly. "We're not leaving." I tell her. "It seems such a shallow thing to say because we are and I know what its like to be left and disregarded, and we aren't doing that Joy." I say to her. "Your daddy, you'd be so proud of him, he wants to take care of sick babies, he wants to give them chances in life and he'll work harder then anyone to do it." I nod. "And I'm going to be a teacher," I grin. "But we'll come back here, whenever we can, and I swear you're not forgotten." I smile "but then I think I know that you didn't feel that." I smile "You know what I remember?" I tell her "I remember feeling everything you did in those hours you were with us, and there was so much love there, and I know you felt it too." I smile with a tear running down my cheek "And sometimes I feel your presence, like now, when its quiet and its just me and your daddy or its just us, I feel you there and I know you've not really gone away." I bite my lip "My mom and dad, they had no choice, they died in a car crash when I was a baby, but then sometimes I look back and I wonder if I was ever really alone, because I wouldn't leave you and I don't think you have left us either, and I have to believe that goes back as well as forward, it would be the only kind thing." I nod, "you're here, watching us as we grow as people, when we marry in August you'll be there watching us, when you have little brothers and sisters..." I trail for a moment "So we're not physically here, but neither are you, but we're always together, you'll always be ours." I stand and sigh "we better get back to Avonlea. We're already going to be late getting back." I smile and say "We'll come back and visit." I tell her "and we love you so much!"