Chapter 17: Confessions
As Sam held the door open, Carla gingerly stepped into her flat, finally home again for the first time in weeks.
"Welcome home, mummy!"
Carla smiled weakly at her daughter who, while clearly overjoyed to see her mum, was tentative in approaching her.
"Come here, baby."
Jamie rushed over to Carla and hugged her. Carla, still too sore from surgery to bend down, stroked her daughter's hair gently.
"Look what I made, mummy," Jamie broke away from Carla to point excitedly at the hand-painted banner emblazoned with "Welcome home mummy" that was strung across the living room wall.
"Oh, sweetheart, you made that for me?"
Jamie nodded, a broad smile on her face.
"Daddy helped."
Carla shot Peter, who was standing by himself off to the side, a brief smile before focusing again on her daughter.
"Thank you, darling, it's beautiful."
"Come on, why don't you sit down."
Sam guided an already exhausted Carla to one of the sofa's where she gratefully sank into its soft depths. Jamie climbed onto the sofa and sat as close as she could next to her mum without actually sitting on her; Carla wrapped an arm around Jamie's shoulders while the girl rested her head on Carla's.
Peter awkwardly cleared his throat, obviously out of place as he continued to stand on his own in the middle of the room.
"I'll, umm, I'll leave you to it then."
"You're not gonna stay for a brew?"
"No, I need to get back. I, ah, I'm glad everything worked out."
"Sure," Carla stared at Peter, trying to understand his awkwardness.
Sam had no such qualms.
"See ya then, mate. Thanks for looking after Jamie."
"Of course. Bye, sweetheart."
"Bye, daddy."
"Peter –"
Carla tried to talk to Peter but he hastily exited the flat without so much as a glance in Carla's direction.
"Now then," Sam placed a soft kiss on Carla's forehead. "You want a brew? Something to eat?"
"Umm… You know what, I'm really tired, I'm gonna go for a lie down."
Carla rose to her feet with some effort.
"You sure?"
But Carla ignored Sam and spoke instead to Jamie.
"Thank you for the banner, baby, I love it so much. Not as much as I love you, though."
Carla kissed Jamie fondly and slowly made her way towards her bedroom.
"Hey," Sam bounded after Carla. "Are you okay?"
Carla wearily turned to face Sam.
"I've just had major surgery, Sam, I'm a little bit tired."
"I know, but you seem, I dunno, out of sorts."
"Yeah, well, having your brother give you a body part to save your life is kind of a lot to get your head around. So, can you please just leave me to it."
"I'm sorry," Sam was taken aback.
But, with tears smarting in her eyes, Carla had already turned away from him and was hobbling into their bedroom.
Alone at last in the stillness of the bedroom, Carla sat down on the edge of the bed and pulled out her phone.
She typed out a text message: How are you?
The reply didn't take long: Fine
Carla knew this was a lie; she tried to call but there was no answer.
She decided she would pay him a visit later; for now, she needed to rest. She lay down on the bed, closed her eyes, and was soon fast asleep.
"He's sleeping, love." Johnny was apologetic. "You should be too. It's way too soon for you to be out visiting."
"I really need to speak to him."
"He said he's not up to visitors," Johnny knew immediately that he'd made a mistake.
"He said? I thought he was asleep? So, which is it?"
Johnny said nothing, he didn't need to, Carla could clearly read the expression on his face.
"Right."
Carla marched, as much as a woman who had recently had major surgery could march, into Aidan's temporary bedroom in their father's flat. She stood at the door and shot an accusatory look at her brother who was, contrary to Johnny's earlier assertion, wide awake and sat up in bed.
"Carla, not now."
"If you wanted me to leave you alone, you should've come up with a better reply."
Aidan simply stared at her, confused.
"Fine. You do know what fine means don't you? Feeling insecure, numb and empty."
"I guess I was telling the truth then."
Carla walked to the bed and sat down on it, her back against the headboard, legs straight out in front of her, close next to her brother. She reached out and took his hand in hers.
"Do we have to do this now?" Aidan sounded weary.
"No. I've got nowhere to be, so I can wait all day."
Carla didn't push Aidan to talk; she just sat there holding his hand.
"Donating a kidney to you," finally Aidan was ready to talk. "It was the one thing that kept me going. It gave me a reason to go to therapy, to try and get better. Now… I don't have any reasons left."
"You saved my life, Aidan. And I will be forever grateful for that. But that doesn't mean I don't need you anymore. And Jamie, she needs her Uncle Aidan. I'm sure Kate and Johnny would say the same."
"I want my family to remember me for doing something good."
"Aidan, please."
"I've done it now, that good thing."
"You've got more to do. More good things, I know it."
"Oh, Carla, don't you see? I've messed everything else up. That's what I do, I mess things up. That's why I was so determined to do this one good thing for you. And I've done it. I'm done. I can't keep going and I can't keep messing things up."
"Everyone makes mistakes."
"The factory."
"That wasn't your fault."
"Eva was. What I did to her was unforgivable."
"You were wrong, I'm not gonna deny that. I'm not gonna judge you for it either. I'd be a hypocrite if I did. But you can't keep beating yourself up over it."
"Why not? I messed up. I hurt Eva, I hurt Maria, my family, and everyone who counted on me, all my employees at the factory. They're all out of a job because of me."
Carla was silent for a moment.
"Do you know how Liam died?"
"Of course."
"And do you know why? Why Tony… did what he did?"
"Yeah."
"Do you think that was my fault?"
"No, of course not."
"Then why do you insist on thinking that what Eva did was your fault?"
"I was cheating on her."
"That's right. You were cheating on her and that's horrible. Trust me, I know, I've been there. And she had every right to be hurt and angry and to hate you forever. But to be so cruel and spiteful, especially about the baby, she went too far."
"You know, I still think about that baby. It's ridiculous, I mean, that baby never even existed. But I was really looking forward to being a dad. I feel like a fraud, grieving for something I never even had in the first place."
"You're grieving for a dream, for hope. That's perfectly understandable. Anyway, I think you've had a lucky escape, you don't want to have a kid with that cow."
"Hey! Don't talk about her like that."
Carla turned to Aidan, an eager, inquisitive look in her eyes.
"Oh my god! You're still in love with her."
Aidan didn't reply, he simply hung his head.
"It is allowed, you know. Just because you break up with someone doesn't mean you stop loving them, or that you don't miss them every day. It doesn't mean you should get back with them either."
Aidan finally looked at Carla; a challenging look.
"Is that how you feel about Peter?"
"Don't change the subject, mister, we're talking about you and Eva."
"Well, there's no point. Me and Eva, we're history. What we had, it's all gone."
"You've still got me. If that helps?"
"It does."
"Listen, Aidan, I want you to promise me, that if you ever feel… hopeless, you call me straight away, okay? Any time."
Carla squeezed Aidan's hand and looked him in the eyes, eyes that were brimming with tears. He nodded; at that moment, he truly believed he would keep that promise to his sister.
Carla wandered into the living area of her flat late the next morning, still dressed in pyjamas and dressing gown, wiping the sleep from her eyes, to find Sam sat at the dining table with Peter.
"Morning," Carla placed a soft kiss on Sam's lips.
"Morning, sleepy head."
"What are you doing here?"
"I, umm…" Peter floundered for an answer. "I wanted to see how you were."
"I'm fine."
Peter shot Sam a look.
"Right," Sam stood up with purpose. "I'm off to the shops to pick up a few things. I'm gonna see if Jamie wants to come with me. She could do with some fresh air."
Carla and Peter sat in silence while Sam fetched Jamie from her bedroom where she was playing and helped her on with her shoes and coat before they both left the flat.
"What's going on, Peter?"
"Oh, god," Peter sighed.
"Peter, you're scaring me."
"I don't want to do this. I really don't. I wish things were different, you have to believe me."
"Peter, you're making no sense. Whatever you've got to say, just say it."
"I'm in love with you."
Carla was dumbfounded; this was not what she was expecting. Yes, she may have suspected it, but she never believed he would say it.
"It's important for me that you know that."
"Why?" Carla's voice was barely a whisper.
"Because… Oh god. Because I can't see you anymore."
"What?"
"I need to put my family first."
"Jamie's your family."
"I know. That's not what I'm saying."
"I get it. Jamie's your family, but I'm not. Is that what you're trying to say?"
"Yes," Peter felt so ashamed; he hated himself for what he was saying.
Carla was suddenly angry. Angry that Peter was, what was he doing? Breaking up with her? When they weren't even together? How dare he!
"I don't understand why you thought you had to tell me. Did you think I thought… You and me…? You arrogant bastard. I'm with Sam. I'm happy with Sam. Why you think I'd be pining over a man who betrayed me, cheated on me, who lied to me countless times, I have no idea."
"Carla, you and me both know what's been going on."
"Get out."
"Carla –"
"I said get out. Get out. Get out!"
Peter slowly rose to his feet, not taking his eyes off Carla.
"I'm sorry."
"Get. Out."
Peter turned and walked towards the door, when suddenly the door opened and Sam hurried inside.
"Sorry, I forgot my wallet. Oh, you going already?"
"Yeah, she's all yours mate."
Peter left without another word. Sam looked at Carla; it was obvious by the look on her face that something had happened between her and Peter.
"You okay? Has he upset you?"
"No."
"What did he want? He seemed keen to get you alone."
"What?"
"Before you were up. He asked me to take Jamie out so he could have a private word with you."
"Right."
"So…? What did he want?"
"Oh… Nothing really. He, umm, he was worried about when the baby arrived, he wanted to make sure that Jamie didn't feel pushed out of the… his family."
"And he needed to get you alone for that?"
"I guess so. Don't ask me why, I have no idea how that man's mind works. Where's Jamie?"
"I left her with Rita in the Kabin."
"Well, you better go get her then."
"What are you gonna do?"
"Umm… I think, umm, I'm gonna have a shower. I feel disgusting."
With that, Carla stood and walked towards the bathroom.
Numb with the shock of what had just passed between her and Peter, Carla peeled off her dressing gown and pyjamas and let them drop to the floor. She turned the shower on and, after waiting for the water to warm up, stepped into the flow of water that was streaming from the shower head.
As the warmth of the water hit her body, the numbness disappeared and was replaced by an unexplained grief. Tears sprang from her eyes and mingled with the rivulets of water coursing down her face. She couldn't stop herself; soon the tears turned into uncontrollable sobs. She sank to the tiled shower floor and huddled there, broken, as the reality of what she'd once again lost dawned on her.
Peter walked into the Rovers in a daze. Without a word to anyone, he passed behind the bar and through the door that led to the private residence.
Toyah immediately followed him, leaving Leanne to tend the bar alone.
"Well?" Toyah closed the door behind her as she entered the Rovers back room where Peter was now stood aimlessly in the middle of the room like a lost little boy.
"It's done."
"And?"
"There's no and, Toyah. Just drop it."
Toyah moved towards Peter and wrapped her arms around him, drawing him in for a hug.
"Thank you. It means a lot, you putting our family first."
"You should've trusted me."
"I know. I will. I love you."
Peter didn't reply; he couldn't, the words seemed to stick in his throat.
Toyah wondered why Peter didn't say he loved her too. She wondered just what had happened just now between Peter and Carla; wondered if she'd pushed him too hard to cut her loose.
Despite her efforts to secure her family's future, to secure Peter, Toyah couldn't help but feel as if she'd already lost him. She might have his physical body, but his mind and his heart were permanently somewhere else. She decided she could live with that; for now. She comforted herself with the thought that everything would change as soon as the baby arrived; the baby would fix everything.