Trigger warning: suicide/mental health

Chapter 19: Life as we know it

"That's right, darling, support her head."

Jamie looked up at her mum, mingled fear and excitement on her face.

"Like this?"

"Perfect. You're a natural."

Carla gazed down at her daughter holding her newborn sister with mixed emotions. She was happy for Jamie and, in theory, for Peter and Toyah, but she couldn't help feel a pang of jealousy at this new family setup that she could never be a part of. Except to let go of Jamie that little bit more. Carla blinked back the tears at the thought of losing a part of her daughter and silently admonished herself for her weakness.

Peter strode over to his two daughters, pure pride emanating from him, and sat down on the other side of Jamie to Carla.

"What do you think of her?"

Peter reached out and gently caressed the baby's head.

"She's cute," Jamie beamed up at her dad. "A bit boring. She don't do much."

"You just wait, sweetheart," Peter laughed.

"Was I like this when I was little?"

Peter was stunned at the question; he wished he could answer.

"You were every bit as precious," Carla jumped in, reaching out to gently stroke Jamie's back. "And beautiful. And loved." Carla kissed her daughter's temple. "You still are."

Carla looked up at Peter; she knew that he bitterly regretted his absence from Jamie's life for so long, that he never got to hold her as a newborn, watch her grow, learn to walk and to talk, see her first smile and hear her laughter for the first time. She thought back to when Jamie was a baby, how she would gaze down at her for hours on end, how Jamie would stare back up at her, the bond between them growing with every moment, with every look. Then she thought of how Peter had none of these memories, and how hard he'd worked over the past few months to develop that bond. The look she saw in his eyes now was one of loss; the loss of something that he could never find, something that was gone forever.

Carla lowered her eyes; she didn't want to deal with Peter's guilt right now. Or her own.

"Dad, have you seen my –"

Simon burst in through the door.

"Sssshh!" Peter hissed. "She's sleeping."

"Sorry," Simon was unconcerned. "Hi Carla. Hi Jamie."

"Hey, Si," Carla was fond of her ex-stepson, despite the years that had passed since they had technically been classed as family.

"Si! Come here!" Jamie whispered excitedly to her brother.

Carla stood to make way for Simon. As Simon sat down next to his sisters, Jamie looked at him eagerly.

"Look at her fingers, Si. They're so cute."

Simon reached out and touched one of the baby's hands; acting on reflex, the baby wrapped her tiny fingers around one of Simon's much larger fingers. Jamie giggled while Simon beamed with delight.

Carla watched this family scene with the overwhelming sense that she didn't belong. She looked around in vain, desperately searching for an escape route. At that moment, the door opened and Toyah walked in.

"Oh, Carla, are you still here?"

Carla glanced at Peter and caught a fleeting look of embarrassment in his eyes.

"Actually," Carla for once in her life didn't bite back. "I'm meeting Aidan so I better get going."

"Is she alright to stay here for a while?" Carla chose to address Peter and ignore Toyah. "A bit of sisterly bonding."

"Yeah, of course. She can stay as long as she wants."

"Thanks," Carla smiled. "I'll see you later then. Bye, Jamie."

But Jamie was so engrossed with her baby sister, that she completely ignored her mum. Carla turned towards the door, anxious to escape before the tears that were welling in her eyes spilled down her cheeks.

"I'll walk you out."

Carla was surprised at Simon's gesture, but grateful all the same.

"Congratulations again, Toyah," Carla held out an olive branch to Toyah as she walked towards the door. "She's adorable."

"I know."

Carla quickly decamped from the room that had quickly filled with an unspoken tension as soon as Toyah had entered, followed by Simon, who seemed eager to speak to her.

"Sorry about her," Simon also seemed embarrassed by Toyah's behaviour. "I'd blame it on her hormones or summat, but I don't think it works that way if you use a surrogate, does it?"

They both laughed.

"Not quite, no."

They lingered in the hallway, neither seemed keen to leave the other.

"So," Carla attempted to make conversation. "How is it with a new baby in the house?"

"I dunno," Simon shrugged. "The baby's okay, I guess. But…"

"What?"

"It's a bit weird, ya know, what with Toyah being my kind of aunty, and now she's my sister's mum. Which kinda makes her my step-mum. But still my aunty. It's defo weird, innit?"

"Oh, Si, you should know by now how, umm… complicated families can get. She seems nice, though. Do you get on with her?"

"She's alright," Simon was non-committal. "Guess we're stuck with her now."

"Charming," Carla laughed. "Come on, then, you walking me out or what?"

Carla started to move towards the door that connected the residence with the bar, when Simon reached out and touched Carla's arm.

"Hang on."

Carla stopped and turned to Simon.

"What is it, Si?"

"I'm not gonna get all soppy or owt."

"Okay," Carla hid her amusement.

"But, I, umm… I'm glad you decided to move back here."

"Oh, Si."

"It's kinda nice having me sister around."

"I know Jamie loves hanging out with her big brother."

"Good," Simon nervously shuffled his feet, his eyes downcast with embarrassment at this show of emotion. "I like having you round as well."

Carla hugged Simon, heightening his embarrassment.

"Only cause you're normal compared to the rest of the family."

Carla put her hands either side of Simon's face and kissed his cheek.

"I'll take that. Thanks Si, I appreciate it."

Carla sat in one of the Rovers booths, nursing a large glass of red wine, and tapping her fingers impatiently on the table.

"Hey," Aidan strode up to the booth.

"Finally," Carla glared at Aidan as he slipped into the seat opposite her. "What took you so long?"

"I had things to do."

"Things to do? How about keeping your appointment with your sister? You know, your business partner?"

"Okay, okay, calm down."

"Sorry."

"What's up with you, anyway?"

"Nothing."

"Yeah, right."

"Okay, it's not nothing. It's stupid though. And childish. And…"

"Go on, spit it out."

"Seeing Jamie with her new sister. And Peter and Toyah and Simon all together. This big, happy family."

"That doesn't include you."

"I told you it was stupid."

Aidan reached out and placed his hand gently over Carla's.

"It's not stupid. Not at all."

"It's petty though," Carla dropped her head in shame. "And juvenile. I should be happy for them. And I am, but…"

"You're watching the man you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with start a family with someone else. Of course you're going to be upset. I'd be worried if you weren't."

"Thanks," Carla looked up at Aidan as the tears finally slipped down her cheeks. She wiped them away, embarrassed. "I'm sorry, I don't know why I do this to myself. I can't believe I'm still crying over that man."

Aidan squeezed her hand gently.

"It's okay. Love makes us do strange things."

"I never mentioned love," Carla sniffed in protest.

"You didn't have to. Now, while you compose yourself, would you like another drink?"

"Oh, please. Bring us a whole bottle over, will ya."

"It's gonna be one of those nights, is it?"

"I hope so, Aidan. I really do."

"And you reckon your boyfriend can deliver in time?"

Aidan and Carla had demolished that first bottle of wine in near record time and were well on their way to finishing a second.

"Hey! If Sam says he can deliver then he can. He's a professional, ya know."

"Unlike some."

"Cheeky."

"Where is he, anyway? And more importantly, when's he back?"

"He's in India… or Sri Lanka. I dunno, maybe that was last trip? Is he in Thailand?"

"Oh my god, you're hopeless."

"Oi!"

"You don't even know which country your boyfriend is in!"

"I do. It's definitely either India or Sri Lanka or Thailand." Carla hung her head in shame. "I'm the worst girlfriend ever, aren't I?"

"Depends. When. is. he. back?"

"Two weeks."

"You're sure?"

"On my life, Sam is back sometime in the next two or three weeks."

Brother and sister both broke down into peals of laughter.

"Looks life we've got some catching up to do," Johnny slid into the seat next to Carla before looking up at his wife. "Jenny, love, do you mind getting the next round in?"

"Oh, if I must. Same again you two?"

"Yes, please Jenny love."

"So, what was so funny?"

"Well," Aidan was happy to jump in with his version of the story. Carla simply rolled her eyes. "We're trying to figure out if we've got enough time to prepare for a showing at Manchester Fashion Week, but this one –" Aidan wagged his finger across the table at Carla, who playfully made a grab for it. "This one doesn't know if our fabrics are gonna be here on time, cause – get a load of this – not only does she not know where her boyfriend is, as in which country he's in, she don't even know when he's gonna be back."

"You know what, little brother? Oh, thanks Jenny." Jenny placed the round of drinks on the table before sitting next to Aidan.

"What?" Aidan exaggerated the word as the wine took its toll on his speech.

"You need to learn the meaning of the word trust."

"Well you need to learn the meaning of the word com-mu-ni-cay-shun."

"You are so annoying. How's that for a little communication."

"Takes one to know one."

"Children, children. Stop fighting. Please."

"We're not fighting," Carla turned to Aidan. "Are we?"

"Not at all. I don't know what you're talking about."

Carla exchanged a cheeky look with Aidan while Johnny simply shook his head.

"You two."

"Mummy! Mummy!"

"Hey, baby! Come here."

Jamie climbed over Johnny and sat down close to her mum, who wrapped an arm around her daughter's shoulders and pulled her in close.

"I've missed you. Did you have fun with the baby?"

Jamie nodded excitedly.

"They're coming out?"

"They're what?"

"Daddy and Toyah are coming out with the baby. They picked a name."

"Oh."

Luckily Carla wasn't required to comment as the couple in question now appeared behind the bar of the Rovers. Peter guided Toyah, a protective arm around her waist as she carried their baby girl in her arms.

Aidan snuck a look at Carla.

"You alright?" he whispered.

"Of course. It's… forget I said anything."

"They're calling her Susie," Jamie couldn't hold it in any longer.

"Jamie!" Carla admonished her daughter. "Wait for your dad to make the announcement."

"After daddy's sister, Susan. She died."

The table fell silent, unsure of how to respond to Jamie's matter-of-fact announcement.

Then Peter and Toyah were making the rounds of the pub, showing off baby Susie to their friends and neighbours. When they arrived at the Connors table, Johnny and Jenny each happily held Susie but, when Jenny attempted to hand her over to Carla, the younger woman resisted.

"Oh, no no no. No thanks, I'm – no!"

"I already held her," Jamie proclaimed proudly.

"You sure did darling," Peter looked lovingly at Jamie. "Aidan?"

"Umm… Yeah, why not?"

Baby Susie was placed into Aidan's arms; he stared down at this child, this strange child and was mesmerised. He gently rocked her from side-to-side, soothing the infant's agitation at the unfamiliar and noisy surroundings.

"She's perfect," Aidan murmured, fixated on the little face staring back up at him.

"Someone's getting broody," Johnny quipped.

"Here, give her to me," Toyah held out her arms to Aidan; she wanted her baby back.

"Toyah," Peter admonished her.

"She's due a feed."

Aidan handed the baby over and Toyah immediately carried her through the bar and out to the back room, followed closely by Peter.

Aidan glanced at Carla, who merely shrugged her confusion.

By Carla's side, Jamie suddenly yawned widely and rested her head against her mum's body.

"You tired, sweetheart?"

Jamie nodded sleepily.

"Okay, darling, let's get you home and into bed."

"I might walk with you, if that's okay?" Aidan rose from his seat as Carla and Jamie made their preparations to leave.

"Yeah, of course. If I can ever get this one to stand up."

"I'm too tired, mummy," Jamie held her arms out.

"Oh, baby, you're too big for that now."

"Mummy," Jamie pleaded, her lower lip stuck out in a determined pout.

"Here, let me."

Aidan reached down and picked Jamie up; she wrapped her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck.

"Thank you, Uncle Aidan."

"That's okay, angel. You go to sleep, I've got you."

Aidan held tight to Jamie's waist as she rested her head on his shoulder and almost instantly fell asleep.

The trio walked the short distance to Carla and Jamie's flat in silence; not an awkward silence, a companionable silence. Aidan hesitated as they came to a stop outside the Victoria Court security door.

"Do you want me to bring her up?"

"No, I'm fine from here. You go on and get home."

Aidan kissed Jamie on the cheek and passed her over to her mother.

"I'll see you in the morning, yeah? Outside the factory. Nine a-m."

"Yeah," Aidan's mind was obviously elsewhere.

"Are you alright?"

"Umm… I was just, I dunno. It's nothing, I'll see you tomorrow. Love you."

Aidan kissed Carla quickly, almost absently, on her forehead before turning and walking away.

"Aidan!"

But Aidan didn't hear, or didn't want to hear. He kept walking away into the darkness.

Carla watched him go. She wanted to go after him and had taken a few tentative steps when Jamie stirred in her arms.

"Mummy, bed."

"Okay, darling."

Carla took one last look at Aidan, who had by this time almost completely disappeared into the shadows, before turning towards home. She comforted herself with the thought that she would be seeing him in a few hours and promised herself that she would take the time to talk to him properly then.

Carla looked at her watch: 9.30am.

"Mummy!"

Carla looked down at Jamie; her daughter was sitting on the top step of the Underworld entrance and it was obvious that she was not happy at being kept waiting.

"Why are we waiting?" Jamie demanded to know. "Have you called him?"

Carla hid a smile; she had always encouraged Jamie to be forthright in her opinions and feelings, but the sight of her daughter acting like a mini-Carla in factory boss mode always made her want to laugh.

"Yes, darling, I've called Uncle Aidan. He's not answering."

"Mummy. I'm bored."

"Stay here a minute, okay."

Carla walked out of the factory forecourt and peered up and down Coronation Street. There was no sign of Aidan, but she did spy Peter stood outside the Rovers smoking a cigarette.

"Peter!" Carla's voice echoed down the almost deserted street.

Peter jogged to where Carla stood waiting, not wanting to walk any further away from where Jamie was sat on the steps of Underworld.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I need a favour."

"Shoot."

"Can you keep an eye on Jamie for five minutes or so? Aidan hasn't turned up for a meeting so I just wanna run down to his flat, see what's kept him."

"Sure, no problem."

"Gotta warn you, though, she's in a bit of a mood."

"Oh?"

"Doesn't like being kept waiting, that one."

"Reminds me of someone else I know."

"Stop it," Carla couldn't help but grin at Peter. For a moment, their eyes locked and time stood still. Until…

"Mummy!"

"She's all yours."

"Aidan?"

Carla slipped Aidan's spare flat keys back into her bag as she entered his home.

An eery silence enveloped the flat; beyond the walls, Carla could faintly hear the sounds of life on the street and below in the kebab shop. But here, inside, the silence was almost deafening in its severity.

Despite the relatively late hour, the blinds were still closed, creating a dim, gloomy effect. Carla switched the main living area lights on, but this did little to disperse the atmosphere. It merely served to highlight the strange emptiness.

"Aidan? You home?"

Carla looked about the room and noticed a folded piece of paper propped up on top of a chair. With a sense of growing dread, she slowly walked towards the paper, her arm outstretched, ready to pick it up.

Then she was holding the paper in her hands, but she couldn't bring herself to read it.

"Come on, Carla," she admonished herself. "Don't be such a baby."

She lowered her eyes to the paper in her hands and read the scant eight words written, Carla could tell immediately, in Aidan's hand.

'Don't go in the bathroom. Call the police.'

The paper dropped from Carla's hand and fluttered to the ground as if in slow motion. It was as if the world had been knocked off course; the room span before Carla's eyes, a thick fog settled over her mind.

Carla turned to face the bathroom door; she knew she was about to walk into a nightmare, but she had no choice but to keep going. She never contemplated following Aidan's instructions; she couldn't let a stranger make the discovery, it had to be someone who loved him.

She slowly turned the bathroom door handle, gently pushed the door open and took a step inside.

Carla stood rooted to the spot in the middle of her brother's bathroom. She had known what she was going to find as soon as she had read that note. But it was still a shock when she saw him; still instant devastation and overwhelming guilt. She had failed him in life; she determined to do right by him now. But how? Whatever happened, he was going to be subject to the most humiliating physical and emotional intrusions, but ones that he no longer had any control over. She would have to take that control; to protect him.

She had to call someone, she knew that. But before she could find her mobile, she heard muffled voices on the stairs.

"Daddy, no! I wanna see Uncle Aidan."

"Oh god," Carla realised the danger and ran out of the bathroom.

"No! Don't come in here!"

She opened the front door of the flat just as Peter was reaching for the handle on the other side, Jamie stood right behind him.

"You can't come in here."

"Carla, what –?"

"Please, Peter, take Jamie away. Right now."

"Carla, what's going on?"

"Please just go, I'll explain –"

"I wanna see Uncle Aidan," Jamie proclaimed.

"No."

"Uncle Aidan!"

Jamie tried to push past Carla and enter the flat, but Carla grabbed onto her and held on tight; there was no way she was letting her daughter into that flat.

"Jamie! No!"

"Ow! Let go!" Jamie struggled to free herself from her mother's grip. "Mummy, you're hurting me."

"Jamie, stop it. Now, listen to me. You get down those stairs right now and wait for your dad at the bottom."

"But –"

"Now."

Jamie knew that when her mother used that tone, she meant business. Begrudgingly, Jamie stomped down the stairs, making as much noise as she dared with each step.

As soon as their daughter was out of earshot, Peter turned to Carla for an explanation.

"Carla, please tell me what's going on. Why can't we come in?"

Carla let out a half gasp, half sob.

"Hey, are you okay? What's wrong?"

"I can't –"

Carla began to lose that control she'd just determined to maintain. She wiped furiously at the tears that began silently streaming down her face. Peter reached out and held her face in his hands, gently wiping away her tears.

"Carla? Tell me."

Carla looked into Peter's eyes and felt immediate comfort.

"It's Aidan." It took Carla a long time before she could say the words out loud. "Peter, he's killed himself."

Peter didn't speak; he simply wrapped Carla tightly in his arms and held her as she sobbed into his shoulder.

"Sshhh…" Peter gently stroked Carla's hair as he rocked her from side to side.

"Peter," Carla desperately tried once again to regain that control. "You need to go, you need to get Jamie away from here."

"I can't leave you, not like this."

"Please, Peter, I need to know that she's safe away from here. Please, look after our daughter."

"Okay, of course," Peter let go of Carla, ready to fulfil his promise. "Carla? I'm so sorry."

Carla nodded; she didn't trust herself to speak, not to break down.

As soon as Peter had left, Carla returned to the bathroom and knelt by Aidan's body.

"My beautiful, brave boy," as she gently stroked his brow. "Why? Why didn't you talk to me? You promised me you would talk to me."

Carla leaned forward and rested her forehead on Aidan's chest. It suddenly hit her that his chest did not move, it did not rise up and down as it used to do, breathing life into his lungs. That life was gone forever from his body.

"Oh my god, what have you done? What have you done?"