EDWARD THE VERY USEFUL ENGINE

One day, the Fat Controller had sent Percy to drop off trucks of scrap metal at the Smelter's Yard. All the engines hate going there, but Percy hates it the most. Two shadowy diesels lurk around the yard and delight in spooking the steam engines, and Percy was a prime target. As the little green engine rolled past the twisted scrap that lay beside the line, he darted his eyes worriedly left and right.

"'A-Arry? B-Bert? Are you there?" But Percy couldn't see or hear any signs of either of them and sighed with relief.

"They must be inside," he thought aloud. However, he had spoken too soon. Percy felt a sudden bump from behind him and screamed. He then heard dark chuckling and looked back - there was 'Arry, who was smirking in wicked delight.

"P-Please don't scrap me," Percy pleaded meekly.

"No worries, mate. We won't scrap ya… yet," 'Arry grinned. Percy jumped as some trucks went flying beside him. Bert rolled up with a sneer.

"At least you're fun to play with. That puts you above ol' Edward."

"E-Edward? What's wrong with him?" Percy asked nervously. 'Arry rolled his eyes.

"What isn't wrong with 'im, more like. 'E's so old 'e ought to be real easy to break up once it all ends for you useless steam pots."

"Yeah; at the very least 'e should retire, clear up 'is wasted space for something less… embarrassing," Bert agreed.

"Retire? But he doesn't have tyres! He's not a bus!" Percy protested but winced when 'Arry and Bert glared at him.

"'E's a simple one, ain't 'e, 'Arry? Almost feel bad for 'im," Bert remarked. 'Arry sighed dully.

"Look, you little green runt, retiring means taken out of service."

"Maybe we should retire you first. Give you a good sense of what it means," Bert grinned wickedly. Percy gulped. His trucks were uncoupled and he raced away as quickly as he could, screaming, leaving 'Arry and Bert to smirk at each other.

Percy didn't stop until he reached Knapford station, where the Fat Controller was just walking out of his office. He stopped when he saw Percy, looking white as a ghost when he drew to a halt at the platform.

"Goodness gracious, Percy, you look terrible! Is something wrong?" the Fat Controller asked kindly. Percy tried his best to stammer out an answer.

"I-I-It's 'Arry a-and Bert, sir! T-They say Edward isn't useful anymore and should be retired! P-Please, sir, don't retire him, he's very useful and a wonderful friend!" The Fat Controller tapped his chin in thought.

"Do they indeed…? You ought to not listen to them, Percy; no matter what they say, this is my railway and I would never retire anyone, let alone Edward." Some of the colour went back into Percy's face.

"Oh, t-thank you, sir."

"Now, you best run along now, Percy. I have a certain matter to attend to." Percy, although not sure what he meant, whistled and rolled away, eager to be as far away from 'Arry and Bert as possible. The Fat Controller entered his office and sat down at his desk, staring at his timetables.

When Edward isn't on his branch line, you are likely to find him acting as a back engine. Sometimes, the engines' loads are too heavy for them to pull up Gordon's Hill on their own, so Edward comes to help push them to the top.

"Thank you, Edward!" called Henry as he rolled down the other side of the hill with a heavy goods train. Edward smiled and whistled in reply. He reversed back to Wellsworth, where he was surprised to see the Fat Controller standing on the platform.

"Good afternoon, sir," greeted Edward politely, trying to hide his confusion.

"Ah, Edward. I'm changing around the timetables; a little… experiment, you might say. I'm going to put you on your branch line full time," the Fat Controller explained. Edward gasped.

"Full time, sir? But what about the trains on the hill? They still need a back engine." The Fat Controller smirked.

"Indeed they do! But don't worry, Edward, I have a plan." Before Edward could reply, the Fat Controller walked away. Edward raised an eyebrow.

"That was strange," he muttered.

"Me, sir?" Duck stared down at the Fat Controller, utterly bewildered by what he had just heard.

"Yes, Duck. You needn't be nervous; you're a very powerful engine, and can certainly handle pushing the heavy trains."

"I know that, sir," replied Duck doubtfully, "But why can't Edward do it? He's been getting on just fine, and I still have my own work to do."

"Your line will be looked after. Just trust me, Duck; as you are well aware of, a change is as good as a rest." Duck watched worriedly as the Fat Controller got back into his car and drove away.

When the other engines heard of the changes, they were puzzled too.

"I like Duck as much as the next engine, but what was wrong with Edward?" grumbled Henry.

"He always helped us along our way, even if he is old," agreed James.

"You all are being silly," Gordon snorted, "I like Edward, but a back engine is a back engine, no matter who it is."

"It could be a nice change for Edward," chimed in Thomas, "Maybe he even requested it. Either way, the Fat Controller's mind seems made up." Gordon grunted.

"For once, Thomas is the sensible one. All that matters is that we get over that hill, and Duck can certainly handle that." The big engine whistled and rolled away, leaving Henry and James grumbling. While the engines were talking, however, two figures rolled beside the station.

"Did ya hear that?" Bert whispered, "Seems like the clanker just got relegated."

"About time," huffed 'Arry, "Perhaps Hatt is finally coming to 'is senses. That senile rustbucket will be retired soon, and then those other rainbow artifacts will follow suit."

"And then we 'ave our fun?"

"Wouldn't 'ave it any other way," 'Arry smirked. The diesels chuckled darkly and rolled back into the shadows, the other engines having not even noticed them.

Meanwhile, at Lower Suddery station, Edward pulled into the platform with his coaches. BoCo was arranging trucks in the yard.

"It's been nice having you around more," remarked BoCo, "I almost thought I'd have to run this branch line by myself." Edward raised an eyebrow.

"Donald and Douglas are usually here to help. Where are they?" BoCo rolled his eyes.

"Apparently, they're running Duck's line while he's banking the trains up the hill. I must admit, Edward, I'm not too sure of what the Fat Controller is doing."

"He told me he had a plan, but I haven't the slightest idea of what it could be." BoCo chuckled wryly.

"Maybe it's to keep you closer to Bill and Ben. Bill did accidentally fall into a pit the other day." Edward frowned.

"Did he? Oh dear, maybe it is a good thing I'm here more often." Just then, Edward's guard blew the whistle and he had to leave.

"Talk to you later, BoCo!" Edward called and he rolled away. Despite how much he wanted to think otherwise, he was sure something wasn't right.

Inside the Ironworks, 'Arry and Bert were shunting trucks of scrap towards the smelting shed.

"Just think, Bert. Soon enough, it'll be one of those steamers on this flatbed." 'Arry and Bert laughed, not noticing their manager on the balcony above.

"'Arry and Bert?" The diesels looked up.

"I've just received a call from Sir Topham Hatt. He has an urgent goods train that needs to be taken to Maron immediately."

"What? We're smelting diesels," spluttered 'Arry.

"Yeah! If we go out in the sun in public, it'll spoil our image," added Bert.

"I know, but he says there are no other engines available. You'll have to take it, I'm afraid."

"Rotten hunks of metal… Can't even do their own grunt work," grumbled 'Arry, rolling reluctantly away. Bert quickly followed.

'Arry and Bert rolled into the yard, surprised to see a particularly long line of trucks waiting for them.

"What the? What is this?" 'Arry spluttered, "Who does Hatt think we are?"

"Come off it, 'Arry, we can do it no problem," replied Bert dismissively, "Show those steamers 'ow proper engines pull trucks. Give 'em one last show before the end."

"Fine, but I'm not 'appy about it," 'Arry mumbled and rolled towards the trucks. Bert rolled his eyes and followed.

Soon enough, 'Arry and Bert were rolling along the line, 'Arry in front and Bert between him and the trucks. It was hard work pulling the heavy train, but they wouldn't give up. Luckily for them, they didn't see any other engines on their way… that is, until they arrived at Wellsworth. As the diesels rolled into the station, they noticed Duck hastily shunting trucks in the yard. 'Arry scowled.

"Oh, bother. They replaced the clanker with the waddler. Hatt should've just bought another diesel like he did for the docks." He and Bert sped up in hopes that Duck wouldn't see them, but unfortunately for them, they did.

"Just what are you two doing?" he asked, clearly out of breath but trying to seem stern. Bert glared back.

"Mind your own business, waddler, and keep to your little yard." Duck rolled his eyes as he reversed from the yard and onto the main line.

"This is my business, I have to bank you two up the hill." Bert scoffed.

"No you don't, you can rot in a scrapyard. Seems more fitting for you."

"Oh, let's just let 'im 'elp, Bert, make 'im think 'e's being useful," 'Arry sneered. Duck, whose face was already red from exhaustion, turned even redder as he buffered up to the diesels' train. 'Arry and Bert honked their horns and set off, practically dragging Duck along with them.

"We were better off by ourselves, now we 'ave this 'eavy waddler tugging at our couplings," Bert complained. He and 'Arry were toiling up the hill, but they weren't getting very far. Duck, who had been banking heavy trains all day, was now quite worn out and wasn't much help.

"It's not my fault!" Duck cried breathlessly, "These trucks are ruthless!"

"Yeah, you keep telling yourself that," 'Arry snapped back. In between the diesels and Duck, the trucks were giggling wildly.

"Duck should play with other ducks, cause he's no good at pushing trucks!" they sang, "Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! Hold back! Hold back!" The trucks tugged and pulled at 'Arry and Bert, forcing all of their weight onto Duck.

"OUCH!" he suddenly shouted. Duck came to a quick standstill, forcing 'Arry and Bert to brake as well.

"What's going on? Did the waddler finally give out?" Bert snickered. Duck groaned in pain as his driver inspected him.

"Looks like your valves have jammed, Duck," she sighed, "Not a surprise, considering how you've been straining yourself today."

"Right, that does it, this waddler's being melted down right after the clanker," 'Arry growled.

"Now we'll show 'im something, won't we?" Bert smirked and tried to move forward, but didn't even move an inch.

"Huh?"

"The train and Duck are far too heavy for us to move, forward or back," Bert's driver said, "We'll have to call for help."

"Oh great, we're stuck with the Duck," 'Arry fumed, "This'll really spoil our image." Duck was too exhausted to reply.

At Wellsworth, the stationmaster had just gotten the call.

"What's that? 'Arry, Bert and Duck are stuck on the hill? I'll send for-" At that moment, Edward's whistle blew and the blue engine came to a gentle stop at the platform with a goods train.

"Edward!" Edward raised an eyebrow as the stationmaster burst out of his office and ran up to him.

"What is it, sir?"

"Edward, there's an emergency on the hill. Duck broke down trying to bank 'Arry and Bert, and now they're all stuck. We have to clear the main line as quickly as possible."

"'Arry and Bert? But they're supposed to be at the Ironworks," Edward muttered so the stationmaster wouldn't hear.

"I'll do it right away, sir," he called and, once his trucks were uncoupled, set off to the rescue, more confused than ever.

Edward rolled up to the hill, where 'Arry and Bert were still berating Duck.

"Maybe we should make 'im first to be melted, make 'im an example," 'Arry smirked.

"Yeah, 'e's clearly too useless for anything else," agreed Bert. Duck looked down at his buffers, very upset. Just then, the trio heard a familiar whistle.

"What's going on here then?" Edward asked, braking behind Duck. 'Arry and Bert groaned.

"Oh, why'd they send 'im?" Bert complained.

"Maybe if we're lucky, the old clanker will break down and we'll get two prizes," 'Arry snorted. Edward took no notice.

"Are you alright, Duck?" he asked kindly. Duck sighed.

"I've been better. I don't know how you bank these trains, Edward; it gets so tiring."

"Pacing yourself is most important; otherwise… well…" Edward buffered up behind.

"Here, I'll show you." He whistled loudly.

"Are you ready?" he called. The diesels scowled and, out of protest, said nothing. Edward chuckled.

"I'll take that as a yes." With a mighty puff, he began pushing the odd cavalcade up the hill. 'Arry and Bert's eyes widened as they felt their wheels moving.

"Is that you, 'Arry?"

"No, I thought it was you. It can't be… the clanker, could it?" Duck grinned broadly.

"Go it, Edward! You show them!" Edward's cheeks were turning red from the heavy train, but he struggled on, making slow but consistent puffs as he forced the trio up the hill. At last, the top was in view.

"I don't believe it…" 'Arry muttered as the train started cascading down the other side.

Edward pushed the train all the way to Knapford Station where, to 'Arry and Bert's horror, a collection of engines were waiting, all gaping at the strange sight.

"Is that… 'Arry and Bert?" inquired Henry.

"And… Duck?" Gordon gasped.

"And Edward!" cheered Percy, whistling excitedly. 'Arry and Bert looked away as the train came to a stop at the platform. Duck couldn't help but laugh.

"You sure shut them up, Edward! You were brilliant back there!" Edward beamed.

"Thank you, Duck, but it was nothing, really. Just doing my job."

"Oh, I'd say it was something, alright!" Edward, Duck and the diesels looked over to see the Fat Controller stepping out of his office, grinning from ear to ear.

"A fine piece of work! I knew you could do it, Edward."

"I'm sorry I broke down, sir," Duck said apologetically. To his and Edward's surprise, the Fat Controller laughed.

"That's quite alright, Duck! I hoped that would happen." Duck and Edward stared at each other, then at the Fat Controller.

"You… hoped I would break down, sir?" The Fat Controller cleared his throat.

"Well, not exactly, but for my plan to work, it had to. You see, the reason the timetables have been switched around today is so Edward here could prove himself to his… detractors." Edward raised an eyebrow.

"Detractors, sir?"

"You have no idea, Edward?" Percy cut in, now so confident he didn't even care that 'Arry and Bert were a platform over, "'Arry and Bert have been saying you should be retired and scrapped!"

"They called you a 'clanker' too," agreed Duck, "Quite horrid things to say, really." All the engines' eyes landed on 'Arry and Bert, who felt increasingly awkward. The Fat Controller stepped down the platform towards the diesels.

"Indeed, you two." He turned to 'Arry and Bert.

"I understand you have your… ways, but I do not approve of such distasteful behavior. I can only hope that Edward's actions today have shown you that he is an engine worthy of staying in service." 'Arry and Bert glanced at each other.

"Three cheers for Edward!" called Percy, "Hip, hip, hooray!"

"Hip, hip, hooray!" Duck cried, joining in with Percy.

"Hip, hip, hooray!" cheered all the engines at the station, barring 'Arry and Bert of course, who remained respectfully silent. Edward could only smile.

Later that day, 'Arry and Bert were only too happy to retreat back to the Ironworks, out of sight of the other engines.

"We'll never recover from this," 'Arry grumbled, biffing into some trucks to let out some of his anger. Bert was about to say something when the doors to the Ironworks slowly opened, revealing Edward and some trucks of scrap.

"Good evening, you two. Just bringing you some more scrap," he said. The diesels immediately fell silent, looking away as he passed. When they thought Edward was out of earshot, Bert spoke up.

"Maybe we won't, but I think we can agree that when we finally do smelt all these steam pots, we can at least keep Edward around as a stationary engine… For set dressing, you know?" 'Arry considered the thought.

"Fine. Maybe 'e at least deserves that much." From further into the Ironworks, Edward chuckled; coming from 'Arry and Bert, that was the best possible praise he could ever get.

Author's Note: I didn't expect to do another rewrite so soon, but this idea has been burning in my mind and I really wanted to do it. Before anyone gets mad at me, I do like the original episode, but I don't rewrite just episodes I dislike. School of Duck, Confusion Without Delay, and Samson and the Fireworks were all episodes I loved, but just wanted to adapt them to fit into my universe. The main thing changed, aside from the story being fleshed out due to my style, is replacing Gordon with 'Arry and Bert, for two main reasons. One, Gordon felt kind've jarring in the actual episode and two, I've been really keen to explore my version of 'Arry and Bert for a while now and it's been really fun writing them. I think the next thing I'll do will be an original story, but who knows, anything could happen. Either way, hope you enjoyed reading!